Suitability Parameters:
Speed Merchants: No
Fashion Victims: Yes
Treehuggers: No
Mack Daddies: No
Tuner Crowd: No
Hairdressers: Yes
Penny Pinchers: No
Euro Snobs: Yes
Working Stiffs: No
Technogeeks: No
Poseurs: Yes
Soccer Moms: No
Nascar Dads: No
Golfing Grandparents: Yes
Very Serious Businessmen: No
Sheiklets: No

Also Consider:
• 2009 Subaru Impreza WRX
• 2009 Mazda MAZDASPEED3
• 2009 Chevrolet HHR SS
• 2009 MINI Cooper S

Vitals:
• Manufacturer: MINI
• Model year: 2009
• Base price: $24,350
• Price as tested: $32,350
• Engine type: 1.6-liter I4
• Horsepower: 172 @ 5,500 RPM
• Torque: 177 @ 1,600-5,000 RPM
• Transmission: 6-speed Automatic
• Curb weight: 2,900 lbs
• LxWxH: 155.8" x 66.3" x 56.4"
• Wheelbase: 100.3"
• Tires: P205/45R17
• 0 - 60 mph: 6.7 seconds
• EPA fuel economy city/highway: 26/34 MPG
• Jalopnik fuel economy: 28 MPG
• NHTSA crash test rating (Front/Driver Side/Passenger Side): ****/*****/*****

Also See:
• Mini Cooper Clubman S, Part One
• Mini Cooper Clubman S, Part Two

Acceleration: **
The turbocharged Peugeot mill pulls the Clubman forward at a reasonable rate, but it's nothing remarkable. Pushing its power through narrow front tires usually results in tire spin through first gear, followed by an embarrassing lurch backwards as one of the many on-board nanny computers pulls the plug. We really miss the supercharged MINI engine of old.

Braking: *****
A hallmark trait of the MINI brand is retro-thruster-like braking prowess in both models. At any speed and on any road surface condition, the combination of superior braking hardware, a stiff pedal and intelligent programming brings you to a halt pronto.

Ride: **
Although the Clubman rides much more smoothly over rough surfaces than the standard model due to the longer wheelbase, it is still a tiny car which is easily upset by potholes and cracks. The stiffer springs and dampers offered by the S package degrade the ride further but the car remains livable for the daily drag.

Handling: ***
The Clubman fell far short of it's brethren when it came to sticking it around the curves. On sections of road where the smaller model would play along, the Clubman packed up its toys and went home. The clumsiness is due as much to increased weight and altered suspension geometry as to a significant change in the stability programming towards slower driving.

Gearbox: ****
An intelligent autobox is where the MINI Clubman really earned its stars. In standard mode, the Clubman offered quick and properly timed shifts while returning excellent fuel mileage. In sport mode, it downshifted at precisely the right moments to stay in the narrow meat of the power band.

Audio: ****
The audio system produced accurate, crisp sound through well-placed tweeters and midranges. The head unit proved easy to navigate using either the console or steering wheel controls. We're also immensely grateful that iDrive didn't make it to the MINI line up. Yet.

Toys: ***
The Clubman had a reasonable amount of gadgets, from the Bluetooth synchronization to the color-selectable interior mood lighting. Dual glove boxes and plenty of cup holders offered enough storage for anything you might need to carry.

Value: **
At an as-tested MSRP of $32,350, the Mini Cooper Clubman S doesn't add up to a good buy. With a price nearly 50% higher than that of other cars competing in this category, you've really got to want the social cred provided by its one-of-a-kind styling and reputation. And the interior materials? Gag. If you're looking for power and handling in a similarly sized package at a bargain price, it'd be best to look elsewhere.

Overall: ***
The Mini Cooper Clubman S offers acceptable power and adept handling at a steep price. The added mass pushes the car into a larger class and significantly hindering the driving charm established by the Mini brand. The added rear legroom and cargo space may attract a different type of buyer to the fold, but it tosses aside the successful formula used in the smaller version. Frankly, if you're that "different type" of buyer, you'll probably be better off with the non-S version. On the other hand, if you're like us, you'll take the standard-issue Cooper S. Preferably anywhere you go.

Also See:
• Mini Cooper Clubman S, Part One

Thanks to the folks at Motor City Mini!

Hell, Michigan is a microscopic town just 15 miles outside of Ann Arbor. It was founded in 1838 by George Reeves and back then, Hell was actually bigger than it is now: It had both a general store and a mill. Only the general store — selling mostly Hell-centric kitsch — and a small ice cream shop remain today. Since Reeves became infamous for putting excess grain from the mill through his private whiskey still then offering it up for profit, Hell quickly became a popular spot to procure some de-luxe 'shine back in the day. Legend has it that eventually horses began returning to neighboring towns without riders, leading their wives to question the whereabouts of their husbands...a typical response to which was, "He's gone to Hell!" When the State of Michigan eventually asked Reeves what the official name of his settlement was to be, he replied, "Call it Hell for all I care, everyone else does."

Along with overwhelming amounts of kitsch, Hell is home to some of the best sweeping roads in Michigan's Lower Peninsula. Approaching from the south, the road narrows from a four-lane highway to a two-lane pathway. Carving, cambered curves appear out of nowhere and you are quickly drawn further and further into the scenic side of the mitten (for you non-Michiganders, hold up your hand in the shape of a mitten and then, after, noting "Hey look, it's shaped like Michigan!" you'll see where we're talking about). Just fifteen minutes prior, we were trapped in typical rush hour drudgery. Now, my allies and I were soaking in the earth-tone blur provided by the untouchable combination of stiff acceleration, a panoramic moon roof and a winding forest road.

The strong hoonage quotient promised by the turbocharged 172 HP four-cylinder and a chassis overflowing with Bruce pushed us to nail the progress pedal to the floor despite ever-tightening road geometry. The MINI responded with its best Mr. Plow impersonation and we promptly ended up on the gravel shoulder. Something was amiss. The standard-issue MINI Cooper S would consume such a surface like a German inhales a liter of Hofbräu during Oktoberfest. It seems the missing passenger-side B-pillar caused this slower, chubbier and more flexible Cooper Clubman S to lose a bit of its composure at the limit. After some thorough, varied and objective flogging, we concluded that, as enthusiasts, the flawless structure present in the smaller, fitter Cooper S has seemingly been ruined by the addition of a paltry suicide door, a double rear door and 3.1 inches of wheelbase.

Mildly disappointed with the lack of go-kart capability, we proceeded south on the cruising roads leading back to Ann Arbor. Not out of the woods yet, the MINI was wound out in sixth gear and the tub pointed out what proficiency it had to offer over the pint-sized Cooper S. The added wheelbase and extra heft provided a very smooth and controlled glide for such a tiny car over some of the rougher patches of Michigan asphalt. Perhaps the ride was too smooth, interfering with our sense of speed, because we proceeded, cruise-missile-like at a very undisclosable speed past a local lawman doing something untold in the dark outside of his idling cruiser. Witnessing our microshuttle shoot over the crest, our road-following HIDs illuminated the officer while he scurried sideways to assume the position and give chase. This was his one chance to bust one of those big-city yuppies and he wasn't letting a little thing like pulling up his pants get in the way. The officer channeled a bit of Tanner Foust as he slid the old Crown Victoria around in the dust and roared up to a spot about a foot off of our rear fascia while we proceeded at a brisk 35 MPH. Perhaps he was simply admiring the quirky rear barn doors, but after about three miles of trawling along, the officer decided it was quitting time and pulled away. Disaster averted.

We rolled into downtown Ann Arbor with a now-dusty MINI and grabbed ourselves some super premium chow at Ashley's. Even with the added length, we found we could park the MINI just about anywhere in a town that is notorious for a total lack of parking. We decided it belonged best stuffed inside a pathway running through the center of the U of M campus. They didn't design those anti-car posts with this little guy in mind. The automatic door of the University's library's slid open as the MINI rolled past and we debated giving it a try. A steely gaze from the librarian inside smothered those plans and we decided the luck of our collective Irishness had been sufficiently pushed and it was time to hang it up for the night.

Even though it is not quite as lithe as it's smaller brethren, the MINI Cooper Clubman S is suited for a different purpose. If a nimble mountain terror is your prescription, the added bulk might just be too much to bear. This chassis is much better equipped to handle long stretches of straight road at alarming speeds with your friends and gear in tow than testing G-meters on a track. As if acknowledging its mission in life, the car did finally make it out to the airport, on time, with all of its running gear intact, ready for a week of hauling team and gear — nary a track in sight. Frankly, for the first time ever, we're left wondering why this MINI even needs an "S."

Photo Credit goes to Alex Conley.

If we were going to split a Mini in half and bolt a bicycle to it, we'd rather use the front part of the Mini. Not only is the rear half ugly, but it doesn't have any of the drivetrain. Even if we're just being taxied around, we'd rather be hanging on for dear life to a bicycle seat welded on behind the turbocharged four. [China Car Times]

Please have a wonderful Christmas. Drink too much. Eat too much. Don't feel guilty about the presents you give or those that you receive. Care not for your carbon footprint or the impact of your naked consumerism. Be happy. And remember, you are having a much better time than Gordon Brown because he has no friends and you've got lots.