Jalopnik: mike austin

Municipal Hoonage: 2007 Elgin Pelican P

Mike Spinelli — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 10:45:14 EST

The mighty Mike Austin, former of MPH as well as ours truly, now spends his time at the head of the class, long-lead testing such automotive n00bs as the Jaguar XF and Mitsubishi Evo X. Of course the key benefit to such a gig is getting on the horn to a supplier of municipal maintenance vehicles and barking something like, "bring it over," and having them jump to do so. That's power. Of course, when they bring over the Pelican P — the classic street sweeper — instead of the Road Wizard or the named-after-a-70s-prog-rock-trio Crosswind Fury, you have to be gracious. [Car and Driver]

Mike Austin Is Fast, Inc.

Ray Wert — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 11:06:49 EDT

What do you get when you put a monkey, an old Mustang, our very own Mike Austin (of I Am Indy and Jalopnik Reviews fame), and Dan Pund, editor of the magazine-formerly-known-as-MPH on MTV's "Fast, Inc?" Simply put — destruction on a relatively epic level. We're actually not quite sure why a monkey is involved [dude, it's a chimp — ed.] — but by all means if you know, let us know, cause Mike won't (can't?) explain it. And for the curious — Mike's the one in sunglasses wearing his signature Reagan-as-Che t-shirt, who's hoping "the hillclimb will break some s**t." Sorry for the length of the clip — it's just how Mike rolls.

Related:
I Am Indy [internal]

I am Indy: Ride, Sammy, Ride!

Ray Wert — Sun, 28 May 2006 19:44:36 EDT

Sam Hornish Jr. won the Indy 500, and here's how he ended up making Marco Andretti look like, well, a 19-year old rookie. He qualified first, but a seemingly un-passable Dan Wheldon dominated most of the race with Hornish sitting back around third. Then — distaster struck. During a late-race pit stop a fuel hose got jammed in the car, broke apart, and spilled fuel all over the pit lane. But oh wait, it got worse...

...Hornish was given a drive-through penalty for his troubles, and he barely escaped that, having knocked wheels with Townsend Bell at the pit exit. Finally back on the racetrack, Hornish wasn't close enough to the front to challenge for the win.

But the caution flag came out on lap 190 when Giaffone got friendly with the wall in turn two. That allowed Hornish, Michael Andretti, and Marco Andretti to take the lead when Wheldon and the other frontrunners needed to make a final pit stop.

So when the race went back to green with four laps to go, the top three were Michael Andretti, his son Marco Andretti, and Hornish. Michael Andretti has been cursed to never, ever win the Indy 500, so he was quickly passed up by Marco and Hornish. Then Hornish made a charge at Marco, but got shut down and dropped a few cars back.

With one lap to go, Hornish gave it all he got to fight to the top, and made Marco his bitch on the final corner. Mirrors, kid, that's what your mirrors are for.

Related:
More of Wert and Austin take Indy [internal]

I Am Indy: Trying To Make Lance With Us, Leather

Ray Wert — Sun, 28 May 2006 17:17:46 EDT

So we're told this is a really exciting race. Something about Michael Andretti leading his son and then his son passing the old man's ass and Hornish on both their asses. One of us is pretty excited about this, but the other one of us was too busy making sure the excited one was working hard — real hard — to try to get some love of the Berman catch-phrase onto the TV. This may have been the closest we came.

Related:
More Indy 500 coverage [internal]

I Am Indy: Yes, We're Stuck In The Corporate Hospitality Suite With You

Ray Wert — Sun, 28 May 2006 14:52:12 EDT

So here's our concept. I'm eating in the corporate hospitality suite — Austin's watchin' the race and I'm watchin' via Austin — all through the wonders of instant messenger. Here' s our convo:

Wert (1:29:43 PM): Austin, my boy — what's up?
Austin (1:30:09 PM): I lost your seat man
Wert (1:30:43 PM): It's ok dude. We're both here in the suite. I'll just blog n' eat — cause this is totally cool too...especially since I dunno anything about racing.
Wert (1:31:04 PM): And speaking of that — I've got some questions for you oh-great-one-who-knows-all-about-racing.
Austin (1:31:14 PM): this is the basic idea: go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
Wert (1:31:30 PM): Ok, but maybe something more technical.
Wert (1:31:45 PM): Like — do they always turn left?

Austin (1:32:13 PM): Sometimes they swerve right, but all the turns are to the left. You are an idiot.
Wert (1:32:47 PM): I mean — it seems like they could really shake things up and like try turning right and go the other way. I mean that could totally like bring in a new demographic to the race, right?
Austin (1:34:18 PM): no
Wert (1:34:25 PM): Oh.
Wert (1:35:46 PM): So Travis Parman, Chevrolet's PR dude-extra-ordinaire is totally trying to tell us that he *loves* it when we call the Corvette "6th Generation" — and doesn't understand why we call it C6. I don't either. Care to explain?
Austin (1:36:46 PM): I'm a little confused. What?
Wert (1:36:52 PM): Nevermind.
Wert (1:37:04 PM): So what's going on in the race — gimmee an update.
Austin (1:37:39 PM): 19-year old Marco Andretti is in 5th
Austin (1:37:52 PM): Helio has fropped back to 9th
Wert (1:37:57 PM): K
Austin (1:37:59 PM): Danica just moved up to 11th
Wert (1:38:04 PM): Is Danica still hot?
Austin (1:38:25 PM): It depends.
Wert (1:38:46 PM): depends?
Austin (1:39:23 PM): On whether or not you think she's hot in the first place
Wert (1:39:42 PM): I think she's hot.
Wert (1:39:50 PM): I'd totally do her.
Austin (1:41:10 PM): It actually takes a fair amount of attention to figure out what's going on, because we can't hear the PA play-by-play here in the suite
Wert (1:41:27 PM): What about on those fancy yellow headsets ya got on?
Austin (1:41:33 PM): And the TV here isn't the ABC feed so it doesn't have all the information graphics
Wert (1:42:28 PM): ABC's not with us today, Leather.
Austin (1:42:42 PM): Wheldon: "Get fucking lyundke off the track, he's fucking terrible." At leadst I htink it was Wheldon
Austin (1:43:02 PM): Yeah we're with scanners so we can listen in on all the pit-to-car communications
Austin (1:45:24 PM): So the first series of pit stops has occured, or is occurring. That when they stop for more gas, Ray
Austin (1:45:28 PM): That's
Austin (1:45:40 PM): Now stop talking to me, I'm trying to watch.
Wert (1:46:20): Fair enough — they just brought fried biscuits in and I totally wanna get me some of that!

I Am Indy: Let's Get It Started, Hot!

Ray Wert — Sun, 28 May 2006 11:30:00 EDT

So, we decided with two and a half hours to go its high time we quit the shenanigans and cover the race — so to start we're providin' a fun and nouveau way of dropping the "starting grid" — a term we just learned today — with pics from yesterday's parade. See, Chevy's like this big sponsor of Indy stuff — and they provided a crap-load-a SSRs to truck the racers through the parade. So, in honor of Chevy using low-selling trucks to cart racers around — here's our montage of the Indy racers, by row. Also, remember to check back all day starting at 1 PM EST as our bad boys Mike and Austin report the race from the coziness of corporate hospitality suites on the infield. Plus, Ray's gonna get his first taste of the hotness — and dirtiness — of the Indy infield. It'll be hot, apparently just like our pit passes.

Related:
More of our fun n' fresh Indy coverage [internal]

I am Indy: Running 'Round the Brickyard

Ray Wert — Sun, 28 May 2006 07:49:35 EDT

Here's a bit of Indy to keep y'all settled until we get an opportunity to get over to the track this morning. It answers the question held by motor and motor sports enthusiasts alike: What's the coolest job ever? Well, how about being the guy that makes regular cars into pace cars, like Gary Mulder does for Chevrolet. He took us for a hot lap around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in this year's pace car, the Corvette Z06, and we videotaped all four corners. Check it out! Also remember to keep refreshing this page so you can get all the fresh n' not-so-clean coverage as we take to the Speedway later today. We'll specifically be live-blogging the race in a different and cool way — we hope you'll love it.

Related:
All of our Wert and Austin Indy coverage [internal]

This Shit is Genius, They Are Indy, Etc.

Davey G. Johnson — Sat, 27 May 2006 22:26:20 EDT

So you know, Austin's all about the ladies forming a line to his left for makeouts and dudes forming a line to his right for hi-fives. Wert is all about tossing his dorkdom to the wind and wincing when it blows back in his face, then posting video of it anyway. Here we have video of Wert attempting to coerce Austin into conning Danica into the line to his left and Austin chickening out. According to Austin's sister, the Austin children are video-averse. Wert, however is a cammin' machine, which makes for some classic, short-short verit . Thankfully, though, neither of our correspondents are wearing short-shorts. Our sporty, spicy brother over at Deadspin had this up earlier today, but since our boys in Indy didn't seem to feel it was Jalop-worthy, we're making an executive decision and posting it here. Now go get that Chaim Witz interview, dammit!

Jalopnik is All Over Indy [Deadspin]

Related:
More Wert/Austin Indy Antics [Internal]

I Am Indy: The Parade's The Thing, Part II — Ray's A Maniac, Maniac, In The Car

Ray Wert — Sat, 27 May 2006 21:05:02 EDT

This is the part where Ray went crazy. And we don't mean the crazy like the crap we pulled earlier in the day. You see, being in a parade is much different than watching a parade. You have unimaginable powers. The whole crowd is watching you, and they're just waiting to be excited. I learned this when Ray hopped aboard the parade car while it was still moving and proceeded to whip the crushing sea of humanity into a near-bloodthirsty frenzy. Just watch it and be amazed. Also, keep in mind that we had no justifiable reason to be in the parade and nobody had any idea who were — oh and we were right in front of the 'Row 1' cars at the end of the parade. Oy. But we digress...

...before Ray climbed on, I was rushed into a 1928 Packard, and we snuck into the parade line — as I said before —right in front of the Row 1 drivers. Despite this seemingly primo spot, back seat passengers Karen Catchpole and Eric Mohl of Trans-Americas Journey were totally ignored by all the PA announcers, as was Team Jalopnik. But, being hangers on, we didn't really mind.

But wait, there's even more awesome to this tale. There was a "TV Zone" in the parade where all of the cameras are focused. And, since we were right in front of the important part of the parade, there was no way we wouldn't be on TV. So upon entering the TV Zone I whipped out the "You're with me, leather" logo and prominently displayed it on the side of the car. Before Ray jumped in to the moving car, he reports that the boom camera at the TV Zone entrance was pointed in our direction and had the red light on. Can someone confirm if we actually made it to broadcast, please?

Related:
More Indy 500 coverage [internal]

I am Indy: The Parade's the Thing, Part 1 — Helio's The Man

Ray Wert — Sat, 27 May 2006 20:50:03 EDT

One of the big events on Indy Weekend is the IPL 500 Festival Parade, and yeah, we were there. Actually we weren't just there we were in the parade. We might have even flashed a "You're with me, leather" Deadspin logo on ESPN. Someone needs to check the TiVo and get back to us, asap. Also, Ray is maniac. But we're getting ahead of the story, check out part 2 if you want to get to the good stuff. In the meantime, here's a post of my random thoughts while watching the greatest show in Indy...on Memorial Day weekend...that is not the Indy 500.

It all started in the grandstands at noon...

...things took a turn for the sweet in the end, but the first three quarters of the parade were just not that thrililng. The guy sitting behind probably disagrees, though, judging by the number of times he said "now that's a good-looking car" in reference any one of countless classic rides ferrying a seemingly endless stream of c-list celbrities. And the marching bands, oh, there was an endless amount of marching bands.

Ray, being the blogtastic blogger that he is, was actually writing down notes on his laptop from the grandstands. I was happy with my notepad, in which I noted that Ray is a huge nerd for using his laptop and reading his future blog posts to me out loud in public. I was also puzzled as to why he was taking pictures of every single row of drivers. Ray, you don't have to pay attention until the fourth row or so, none of the people in the back are going to win.

I also noted that the Bob the Builder balloon is awesome, and Scooby Doo riding on top of the Mystery Mobile is more awesome. The Shriners, driving tiny replica race cars, are absoludicrously incredible. And in between floats promoting old people still being alive and science being cool, was the row-by-row driver line up for Sunday. Each row was preceeded by a giant star baloon that looked like Super Mario Bros. come to life. The crowd went crazy for Danica Patrick, seemingly unaware that her car isn't that fast and she hasn't finished better than 8th all year. She does look beautiful in person — cause I've never been so much struck by her beauty so much as her slowness — so I guess that's something to cheer for.

But Danica is nothing compared to Buddy Rice's wife, who is hott, hawt, and quite possibly even haut. Scott Sharp, flanked by two women so beautiful that they caused traffic to stop in a three-county radius, is cleary a pimp. Not to be outdone, Helio Castroneves brought three women in his car, one of whom is Miss Brazil. Note to self, get better at racecar driving.

Related:
More Indy 500 coverage [internal]

You're With Me, Feather

Ray Wert — Fri, 26 May 2006 22:46:47 EDT

Wert and Austin are coming to ya live and correct from the capital of all things Hoosier — Indianapolis. We've made it to the hotel and have already been living high on the corporate hog. While walking back to the hotel from dinner, we ran into this fine feathered race fan, the Firestone Tires mascot, Firehawk — though like all mascots he wasn't able to speak and therefore unable to drop the now-famous Berman cum Deadspin pick-up line, but we know he felt it in spirit. We're heading out to the Extra! event downtown now, where we'll do our best to crash the little celebrity cliques we'll be sure to find. Check back here later tonight for some further antics and exploits as well as our itinerary for tomorrow. Keep checking the mini-site or the RSS feed for further exploits.

I Am Indy: Paddle Me, Austin!

Ray Wert — Fri, 26 May 2006 14:13:27 EDT

Apparently the trip down to Indy isn't just for booze, babes and blow — and Austin's hard at work testing out the capabilities of this curvaceous red Corvette. Although youll be able to read the review here next week, here's a video teaser we recorded just for your pleasure. In this installment, the sunglassed Mike Austin explains to the not-as-fly Ray Wert how the shift paddles work.

Related:
More Indy 500 coverage [internal]

I Am Indy: Drive-Time For Us; Contest For You

Ray Wert — Fri, 26 May 2006 12:59:00 EDT

Austin and I have our bags packed full of pork rinds, coors light and our good friend Jack — well, that's a lie — we actually finished our good friend Jack well before we packed up. But we'll bring Jack with us though, kind of like our own little mascot / friend / trainer to keep us company for the trip. It'll be adorable. But since you'll be without us for the next couple of hours while we're on the road to our first post-able pit stop — here's something to keep y'all company. It's a little contest Austin and I came up with for our Jalopnik and Deadspin readers to keep y'all company over the weekend when you're not reading our updates on the 'I Am Indy' mini-site or via the RSS feed. The winner will...

...receive a selection of swag from our trip — and let me tell ya — it'll be, at the very least "decent" but at the most...it...could...be..."epic."

So here's the deal folks — both Deadspin and Jalopnik feel a certain need, and it's a need for speed. Specifically, it would have to be the need for speed in our own personalized IndyCar. Since Chevy wouldn't give us one of theirs to paint, we were lucky to have found a great little tool over on Indy's website for y'all to use. So we need you, our loyal readers, to put together their bestest IndyCar for each of our respective sites — e-mail your results to tips@jalopnik.com — and remember folks, we'll need those cars before race time, so y'all have until the green flag drops at 1:00 PM Sunday afternoon.

Paddock: Design It [IndyCar]

Related:
More I Am Indy [internal]

I Am Indy: Wert and Austin Cover Indy; Indy Runs In Terror

Ray Wert — Fri, 26 May 2006 08:00:00 EDT

Have we got a treat for you. We're sending Mike Austin, of Davey-coverin' fame — and our very own Ray Wert on a mini Cannonball Run to Indy and back to cover the grandaddy of automotive whiplash, the Indy 500. Here's the better news — Mike's conned the General into dropping off a sweet ride for the trip — the grandaddy of motor muscle, the Chevrolet Corvette — that's right, a candy-ass candy-apple red Corvette — with chrome wheels! They're gonna be live-blogging all the way from the Motor City itself, straight down to Indy at speeds that'll make their knuckles white — and your heart beat faster than a steroid injected junkie's. But we're part of a team here at Gawker Media, so we've added our sports-loving brother blog, Deadspin into the mix. So we need you to keep re-freshing on either the 'I Am Indy' mini-site we've set up — or if you're one of those techno-nerds, pick up the RSS feed directly.

Mike Austin Fears Traffic, Not Zombies

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 05:31:52 EST

Mike Austin once told us that he envies us because we can work pantsless if we want. (Note, we are currently wearing pants. Y'all can stop salivating. Or cowering. Whichever.) We envy Austin's access to junkets, expense accounts and the freshest iron. But the boy's got something cooking besides conning Alterman to letting him work sans trou — he's decided that it would be in his own best interests if GM would just kick the bucket already. Benefits? Shorter lunch lines, less traffic, less pollution, less speedtraps. The one downside? Zombies. Possibly lots of zombies.

Hurry Up and Die [mph]