Those postwar Jag saloons sure are pretty, aren't they? For most of us, ownership of such a rare and valuable cat has seemed so far out of reach that we've never even contemplated it. It turns out we've all been too pessimistic! You can get a 55-year-old Jaguar saloon for the price of a 15-year-old beater Civic! Can't believe it? Take a gander at this 1953 Jaguar Mark VII, my friends, and witness the easy attainability of your classic-Jag dreams! The seller is asking for $1,500, which means there's plenty of negotiating room when it comes to the wheeling and dealing. The car will need some TLC, no denying it. There's rust. Oh yes, plenty of rust. The upholstery is "petrified cracked and can be used possibly as a pattern." Not very shockingly, we find that the XK engine doesn't run. You could attempt a full restoration, and we have nothing but admiration for anyone insane devoted enough to take on such a task. Or you could swap in a V12 out of a junked XJ-S, head down to Tijuana for a diamond-tucked purple satin interior job, and leave the paint looking just as it is now. Add some Cherry Bombs and some rusty wire-spoke wheels and you'll be lookin' good on a budget!

When you're talking serious Hell Projects, two not-so-little words come to mind: Hydropneumatic Suspension! That Jag is pretty sweet, we'll give you that, but it rides on plain ol' harsh springs! Your backseat passengers will be liable to spill their champagne every time you hit a pothole, and that just won't do in a fine European luxury sedan. Those geniuses at Citröen put a very effective hydropneumatic suspension setup in their DS, and you could benefit from their brilliance by handing over 22 Benjamins to the seller of this 1969 Citröen ID19. I think the description of this car works best if laid out like a poem:

Project car.
Lost interest.
The best thing about this car is that it runs great.
Needs TLC with the hydraulic leaks,
upholstery
and paint.

The problem with an El Camino as a Project Car Hell entrant is that it's just too easy. Even the most decrepit example shares most of its components with made-by-the-millions cars that benefit from a vast reproduction parts industry and pool of junkyard parts, making the parts-obtainment process nowhere near hellish enough. But when you get into an El Camino that's been converted into a drag race car in someone's back yard... well, now we're talking! See, what you really want to take to the dragstrip is a vehicle with apocalyptic amounts of power combined with zero weight over the drive wheels, preferably with drum brakes on at least two wheels. Watch the video below and tell us you don't envy the El Camino drag racer!



The Camino above probably cost quite a bit to build, but you say you want to run 10s on a shoestring budget? Picking up this '73 El Camino (go here if the ad disappears) for $4,000 (or less) would start you well on your way to the dream of getting all sideways out of the lights and munching the guardrail at high speed! This one has a small-block with tunnel ram and dual 4-barrel carbs... but the seller neglected to specify much else about the engine, including its displacement. Is there a dead-stock '73 350 (as the "numbers-matching" part seems to indicate) beneath that intake? What about the rear end- does it have a 2.73 one-legger 10-bolt to go with those ladder bars? We can't say!

Where's the fun in a cartruck just like countless others, you ask? Right! You're not like the others, are you? That's why your cartruck needs to be a luxury model that no automaker would have Caminoized in their wildest DMT-inspired hallucinations... say, something like this 1990 Lincoln Mark VIIchero (go here if the ad disappears). The seller says it was "done pretty nice," and we'd agree; it appears to have a functioning tailgate, and that's what sets the hurried backyard hack jobs apart from the patient backyard hack jobs! Watch out, though, because this machine needs TLC... and you know what that means in a Craigslist ad. Anyone who knows these Lincolns is going to groan a bit when they read "air suspension fills and raises car alittle," but all the hours de-sagifying the suspension will be worth it when you start heaving sacks of cement into your Mark VIIchero, not even deigning to glance at those lowly proles loading up their boring old F-150s. Overall, this thing seems fairly solid, needing only a supercharger on the 5.0 and perhaps a more distinguished paint color to cover any conceivable cartruck need.

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Let's say your lifestyle suggests- nay, demands- a seriously pimpin' ride; failure will make you a laughingstock at the Hustler's Convention. However, it's not just a case of buying yourself a Stutz Diplomatica, because you are trapped in Project Car Hell! You must select one of two somewhat, er, challenging vehicles as the starting point for your pimptastic machine. Bonus points for describing exactly how you'd go about applying some pimp magic to your chosen ride. Remember, you must out-pimp the mighty Diplomatica!


It's a shame that GM cars seem to have the upper hand in the Detroit pimpmobile world, because Ford has made some excellent pimp-ready rides as well. Say, this 1990 Bill Blass Edition Lincoln Mark VII, for example. This one has a "deacent" (sic) body, all the glass is "great," and it comes with the same HO 5.0 used in the hot Mustangs of the era, so you'd be able to lead The Man on some righteous high-speed chases with it. What's the catch, you ask? Well, like most Mark VIIs, the air suspension isn't quite working right, so it suffers from the "Lincoln Sag" in the rear. It needs a battery (and those with a suspicious turn of mind might say that the electrical woes probably go far beyond the battery), and Mr. Blass' interior isn't quite as nice as it once was. But it's only $1500, which is clearly just the starting point for downward price negotiation, leaving you plenty of cash left over for metalflake paint, gold plating, and a mink headliner.

But you know, if it ain't got Fine Corinthian Leather, it ain't pimpin', we alway say (really, we're always saying that around the Jalopnik office). That's why we've got this amazing 1981 Chrysler Cordoba for you. It's got two-tone paint, it's got Ricardo Montalban's Seal of Approval, and it's only $600! Best of all, it comes equipped with the pimpgasmic fake cabriolet option! Yes, Chrysler made this car with a roof that looks just like a real convertible top, yet is made of solid, immobile steel. On the minus side, the seller doesn't know if it runs (we're betting it doesn't), he doesn't have a title, and the tags expired five years back. It's not gonna be easy to get this thing into full pimpmobile shape, but then pimpin' ain't easy.

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