5.) They're Damaged
So... you're telling us damage is bad? Wow. Guess we'll have to stop carving "Jalopnik was here" with a knife into people's tires and calling it a PR stunt. Actually, a careful inspection for missing chunks of rubber, bulges (unsightly or otherwise) and evidence of curb or debris damage can keep you from having to call a tow truck when you're miles from home.

4.) They're Deteriorated
Not to be confused with damage, deterioration happens over time due to atmospheric conditions — mainly ozone in the air acting on the rubber to produce dry rot. Deterioration can be sneaky, resulting in weak spots that can lead to a blowout. Look for spiderweb cracks in the sidewall and a dull, dusty appearance to the rubber.

3.) They're Overinflated
Contrary to what your friend Jeff told you, inflating your tires well beyond the suggested pressure will not increase your fuel economy to 95 MPG.

2.) They're Underinflated
The corollary to overinflated, this condition is not to be confused with a "flat" tire (which is also bad). An underinflated tire doesn't just decrease your MPG, it can also lead to irregular wear. Want to know what the right inflation pressure for your tires is? Don't use the number on the tires — that's just the tire manufacturer's suggested maximum inflation pressure. Instead, check the sticker on the driver's door frame or inside the glovebox for the right pressure. Also, check the owner's manual.

1.) And the number one reason your tires fail is... (it's almost too obvious, but place your bets and check it out here.)

In all seriousness, the points themselves may seem obvious, but PopMech does a good job of explaining the hows and whys behind their top five failure modes, and they might just clue you in on something you've forgotten.

Assess...

...Your Risk
Hurricanes rarely appear out of nowhere and modern forecasting technology typically gives citizens days to prepare. If you live in an area on or near the Atlantic Coast or the Gulf of Mexico, it's possible that you are at risk. If you live hundreds of miles inland, like in Oklahoma, you don't need to worry. Michigan? Yeah, probably not an issue for you either. Check with your local Office of Emergency Management or state government for information about whether your house is within an evacuation zone. Below are examples of hurricane evacuation maps:

• South Carolina Evacuation Zones
• Southeast Texas
• Louisiana (PDF)
• Florida

...Your Threat
If it appears that a hurricane could head your way in a few days resist the urge to immediately panic. A storm deep in the Atlantic could take as long as a week to reach the United States coast after being named. Check with the National Hurricane Center, your local weather forecasters, newspapers and television to see how likely the threat really is and the timing of the storm.

Prepare...

...Your Vehicle
The stress of an evacuation isn't just felt by your family. It is also felt by your car. Make sure that your vehicle is in good operating condition, fueled up and able to drive at least a few hundred miles. Things you'll need:

• A full tank of gas
• Insurance information and maps
• Properly inflated tires with a spare tire
• Phone charger
• Functioning A/C (very important, especially when traveling with elderly or children. Also, if you have to turn off your car to save gas you'll want to cool down when you get moving again)
• Flashlight
• Money, specifically cash, to fill up your car multiple times

...Your Family & Pets
During the Rita and Katrina evacuations there were families that spent nearly a day in their cars, with an average time on the road of over 10 hours for Rita. Think about what your family and pets need to survive for at least one day in a car and possibly for multiple days on the road. This list below is just a start and may vary based on the age and special needs of the people traveling.

• Water
• Ice in a cooler if possible (it gets hot)
• Non-perishable food, snacks
• Toiletries
• Clothing
• Blankets and pillows
• Music, games, cards and anything else to distract yourself and others
• Toilet Paper — you may have to go on the road
• Sanitary gel like Purell, see above
• Medications
• Pet items such as a leash

...Your Documents
As opposed to merely driving off for a regular road trip, leaving your home during an evacuation means, God forbid, you may not have anything to return to and you may have to register with the government for help or seek medical care. These are the basic documents you will need, though you should also consider other important information.

• Drivers license and Social Security card for all those traveling
• Health insurance information
• A copy of your homeowner's/renter's policy, just in case
• Certificate of vaccination for pets, in case you have to board your pet or enter a shelter
• Photos of your house if you have time

...Your House
Assuming that you aren't suddenly caught off guard by the storm, it is important to protect your house from damage and secure items like patio furniture that could turn into missiles during a storm. The National Hurricane Center has a great guide outlining how to secure doors and windows.

Plan...

...Your Routes
Every coastal state has their own evacuation route that shows, for the area, the best way to evacuate. These are large highways built to handle large traffic loads and, typically, designed to be adjusted for hurricanes. Unfortunately, during a mass evacuation these roads can become crowded and it may be better to take a different route. Assuming you have the option you should plan multiple ways of escape.

Try to avoid smaller roads you don't know well, since construction, flooding and other hazards can slow you down. Always prioritize official hurricane routes first because these are the areas where emergency personal will set up relief stations with fuel and water. In some situations, local officials will set up contraflow lanes in order to alleviate traffic, something that won't happen on other roads. During storms, most local authorities will waive tolls on toll roads and open up all of those lanes.

Examples of state evacuation routes:

• Florida
• South Carolina
• Virginia
• North Carolina (PDF)
• Texas
• Louisiana

...Your Final Destination
With a hurricane on your doorstep your first instinct is to get away, often with little concern as to where you are actually going. If you have family nearby — but further inland in a place that is safe from storms — then that is often the best place to stay. There's no need to spend a day on the road if there is a safe location just hours away.

If you have no friends or family to stay with, consider, as early as possible, booking an affordable hotel safely inland from where you are. You may have to try for a while as hotels along the route are quickly booked. If you can't find a place to stay or can't afford a hotel, the Red Cross and other organizations will set up shelters during a major storm. Check the radio for shelter locations.

...Your Departure Criteria
One of the biggest challenges for emergency planners is the presence of "shadow evacuation" situations, when a large mass of people who do not need to evacuate suddenly do, clogging up the roads for those who really need to get out. If you live far inland in a well-built structure in an area that rarely floods, then you may not need to evacuate from the path of a weak storm.

Consider the threshold for when you stay and when you go so that you avoid panic when a storm gets closer. Meteorologists use the Saffir-Simpson scale to determine the strength of the storm. Is it safe for you to stay during a Category 1 storm? What about a Category 3 storm? Check with local authorities to see what, if any, threshold your area may already have in place.

If local authorities order a voluntary or mandatory evacuation then you need to go as quickly and as safely as possible.

React...

...Quickly To The Threat
If an evacuation is ordered or it seems likely that your threshold for evacuation is going to be reached soon, quickly gather your friends, family and safety material. Something important to look for is a hurricane watch or a hurricane warning.

A hurricane watch means hurricane-type conditions are likely within the next 24 to 36 hours. A hurricane warning means conditions are likely within 24 hours. If you are within a hurricane watch and the storm is stronger than you think you can safely handle, then that's a good indicator that you should leave.

...Carefully To Sudden Changes
Forecasters have gotten much better at predicting landfall for hurricanes and traffic planners have gotten much better at preparing roads for mass evacuations, but that doesn't mean either are perfect. Listen closely to the weather radio and news because the path of the storm might change and you could find yourself driving somewhere that's in the path of the storm.

Before Hurricane Alicia, our family fled from the south Texas coast to Houston to avoid the storm. When we arrived we found out that the storm had changed directions and was now heading towards Houston. Thankfully, the place we were staying was far enough inland to be safe.

During the Hurricane Rita evacuation we were following our planned route north when the radio announced that all toll lanes had been opened for the remainder of the evacuation. We were able to change our route and likely saved at least an hour in travel.

...Calmly When Confronted With Traffic And Communication Failures
Traffic is going to happen. There's just no getting around it unless you leave exceptionally early or the storm is minor. If you have a properly prepared car, you've considered all the routes and everyone in the vehicle can stand the trip then the best option might be to just continue forward as opposed to turning back or wildly deviating from your safe routes. Listen to the radio for guidance on how to avoid traffic or to get time estimates.

With everyone on the roads and jumping on their cell phones at once it is possible that it may be difficult to get through when the service is overwhelmed. We learned during Rita that, typically, text messages will get through when phone calls will not. If it isn't an emergency message try talking with people via messaging.

Return...

...Only When Cleared By Authorities
Once the storm has passed your instinct is going to be to race back home to see how your property fared. If your area took a direct hit it may not be safe to do so. There may be no power, no water, destroyed bridges and standing flood water waiting for you. Your authorities will tell you when it is safe to return.

...With An Eye For Debris & Water
Once you've been cleared to return home there may still be debris on the road. Be a vigilant driver and watch out for downed trees, debris and especially be wary of fallen power lines. One of the more frequent indirect storm deaths involves individuals driving over power lines and electrocuting themselves. If you see high water also be careful and turn around, don't drown.

Other Resources

This is a brief guide meant to get you thinking about what to do when hurricanes threaten your area. Your local news media and authorities will know better about your local situation and you know best as to what you can and cannot do before a storm. Rash decisions are often bad decisions. The more preparation you make the less likely you are to be in a situation where you'll make a rash decision.

Links

• FEMA Evacuation Guide
• Red Cross Evacuation Plans
• Nola.com tips from evacuees
• Disaster Planning For Elderly And Special Needs

[Photo Credit: STAN HONDA/AFP/Getty Images, Evacuation From Hurricane Rita]

If you're interested in something a bit more modern, the system is designed to work with an upgrade to lithium iron phosphate batteries too. And if you want to pump juice into those batteries using nothing but the sun, you might want to bolt on some solar panels. Us? We'd still rather have a VW Golf Twin Drive. [GreenCarCongress]

First of all, the IRS lets you determine the amount of your deductible car expense using one of two methods: the standard mileage rate method or the actual expense method. To use the standard mileage rate there's a variety of tests you need to meet, but they're all pretty straightforward — you must own or lease the car; the car must not be used for hire, for example as a taxi; you must not operate five or more cars at the same time, as in a fleet operation; etc. To use the actual expense method, you must determine what it actually costs to operate the car for business purposes. Include gas, oil, repairs, tires, insurance, registration fees, licenses, and depreciation (or lease payments) attributable to business miles driven.

Because of the recent rate change, it's probably more relevant for us to talk about method, but the IRS suggests you should run the numbers both ways to see which offers the greater deduction. Since we'll be using the standard mileage rate method, here's the straightforward calculation to use:

# Of Miles x $0.585 = Deduction Amount

Two more things to note are that the IRS allows other car expenses for parking fees, and tolls attributable to business use as separately deductible, whether you use the standard mileage rate or actual expenses. The other notable is more like a tip — document everything. You're dealing with the government here, so make sure you supply enough paperwork to convince them that even if you're gaming the system, you're at least doing it meticulously. Photographs are essential, along with trip dates, times, distances, destinations, persons spoken with and on what business.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get on to the fun part. For purposes of this hypothetical scenario we're going to be using a 2003 Saab 9-5, mainly because we happen to have one lying around. Purchased used, this vehicle has a monthly payment of approximately $300. Add on the insurance and annual registration fees, and we're talking about $350 a month. All we'll need to do is add on the cost of gas for the month at the end to determine whether we'll be able to deduct all of our costs.

So — can we get the man to pay? Let's find out.

Example I: Visit co-workers you wouldn't ordinarily see: DEDUCTIBLE

Keeping in touch is essential, so when phone, IM, email and videoconferencing aren't enough, get in the car and go see your peers. A monthly trip to Chicago from Detroit and back to see Mr. Hardigree is worth 570 miles. That would be:

570 miles x $0.585 per mile = $333.45

Two days in and we're already two-thirds of the way to our goal — this may be easier than we thought.

Example II: Find ways to make work-related trips secondarily personal: DEDUCTIBLE

An empty car is your worst enemy, since it's much harder to claim a business-related expense when you're traveling alone. In our case, a 30-mile one-way trip to help a friend wrench on his old Buick could have been a loss. But the addition of a couple essential tools and a camera resulted in both a story for Jalopnik and the line item "photo shoot location and back." Total miles: 60. That means:

60 miles x $0.585 per mile = $35.10

Example III: A quick stop on a personal trip: NOT DEDUCTIBLE

Here's an instance where you can't score big. We like to visit a gorgeous little cold water destination known as Traverse City, MI a couple times each summer. At nearly 500 miles round trip from Detroit, the journey can get pricey these days...but even if we stop along the way to take photographs of car dealerships for a future Jalopnik feature, we can't deduct those 490 miles. Such a shame.

0 miles x $0.585 per mile = $0.00

Example IV: Buy your personal goods when you head out to buy work-related supplies: PARTIALLY DEDUCTIBLE

The key here for a full deduction is to make them all at one place. Heading to Dick's for more shotgun shells with a stopover at Staples for those pens for work? Only a partial deduction of the 10 miles from Staples to Dick's or from home to Staples — but not the 10 miles between Dick's and home. However, let's say we're working on a story on brakes. We head to the convenience store 40 miles away that carries pints of brake fluid for 30% less than the place near home to save Nick Denton a few bucks, and we also buy personal groceries? That's fully deductible. Total miles deductible: 90.

90 miles x $0.585 per mile = $52.65

The Bottom Line

If you've got your graphing calculator humming, you'll see we could have racked up 1,210 miles with 650 of those miles reimbursable, for a total of $421.20. But how much gas did we use? Well, we get an average of 25 MPG in the Saab. Divide 1,210 miles by 25 MPG and we purchased 48.4 gallons of mid-grade gas. At $4.10 a gallon average for mid-grade at the station down the block, that's a fuel cost of $198.44. Add that to the $350 and you'll see that we needed $548.44. Aww, just a little too little business driving this month to pick up the entire cost.

Still, that would have paid for the Saab's car note, insurance, and a little something leftover for a few gallons. Sort of. Remember, your deductions aren't like real cash, so you're really just able to say the money you spent was spent without federal taxes, not like it's that full amount back in your pocket. So what did we learn today? Drive more for business than you do for pleasure, and you'll still probably end up getting screwed in the end — but at least you'll get screwed less!

For more information, please check either IRS Publication 463 or check with a tax accountant. (Photo Credit: StreetsBlog.org/Flickr via Jenny Lokshin)

6. Fit A Locking Gas Cap

Instructions: Drive an older vehicle with a gas cap and fuel door that don't lock? Aftermarket replacements that do lock are available from most car part stores. Make sure you select one that's designed for your vehicle; this is crucial for safety, security and emissions. Can't find one? Rivet a hasp and padlock onto the fuel door.
Pros: Cheap, simple and effective at making lazy gas thieves think twice about choosing your vehicle for fuel pilfering.
Cons: Doesn't protect you from a thief who isn't lazy and happens to be handy with a lock pick.

5. Swap Diesel And Gas Badges

Instructions: Drive a gasoline-powered car? Swap out all the exterior clues for diesel badges, and don't forget the sticker inside the fuel door. Some vehicles may require a different colored fuel filler. Own a diesel? Do the opposite.
Pros: Cost efficient. Could permanently disable thief's vehicle, encouraging them to go straight.
Cons: Bad for forgetful people. Lending your car to friends could prove expensive. You lose all the cache the original stickers brought. Getting the goo off can be a bitch when it comes time to sell.

4. Don't Use Gas At All; Buy An Alternative Energy Vehicle
Instructions: Segway, Tesla, bicycle: pick your poison. By choosing a means of transportation that doesn't use gas, not only do you become immune to fuel theft, but rising prices too.
Pros: Not having gas that can be stolen eliminates risk of fuel theft. Hippie chicks will dig you.
Cons: Thieves may just steal your vehicle instead. May lower street cred. Hippies don't shave.

3. Remove Your Gas At Night, Store Inside
Instructions: Simply siphon or drain your fuel into jerry cans every time you park. An empty tank means thieves will have no fuel to steal. Store in a safe — and preferably — well ventilated area.
Pros: Sleep safe in the knowledge that your gas is where it's safest: underneath your mattress.
Cons: Sleep may last a very long time due to fumes. Siphoning or draining each and every night can be time intensive. Thieves attempting to drill an empty tank may encounter an explosive surprise.

2. Booby Trap Your Car
Instructions: Mad Max got a lot of things right: First and foremost is a man's right to protect what's his by any means necessary. Wire dynamite to explode should your vehicle be tampered with, but don't forget to include a secret switch to disarm the explosives. Keeping a machete strapped near the switch can provide a way out should you be forced to disarm the booby trap at gunpoint. A "This vehicle is booby-trapped" sticker may be a good idea.
Pros: Really sticks it to the thieves. Street cred.
Cons: Total vehicle loss is an expensive theft deterrent. Risk of accidental detonation is high. Possible legal and liability concerns.

1. Up-Armor Your Vehicle
Instructions: Gather large amounts of thick metal plate (3/4" should do) and liberally weld it all over your vehicle. Don't forget to cover the underside, and leave slits for vision and/or chainsaws.
Pros: In addition to protecting your gas tank, you'll be protecting yourself from IEDs. Deters tailgaters.
Cons: The extra fuel needed to haul around all the armor plate may negate any savings. Negative impact on resale value.

There you have it. We've showed you how to take someone else's gas and how to protect it once you pour it into your tank. You'll probably be okay as long as you practice the basics: Park in a well-lit area at night. Don't drive around with the fuel door open and gas cap missing. And remember that no system, however ill-conceived, can stop a determined thief.

First of all, let's talk a bit about the 2008 Saab 9-3 Turbo X. When we first saw the Darth Vader-like sedan from Trollhättan, we were impressed by it's Swedish looks, the engine under the hood and the bits n' pieces connecting the power to the road. Why wouldn't we be? We're talking about a Saab with an intercooled turbo'ed 2.8-liter V6 under the hood with an output of 280 horses mated to a six-speed manual transmission and a fourth-generation Haldex XWD system to put the 295 lb-ft of torque to good use.

But it doesn't just have all the right pieces. As we've already said — it also looks good — from the 18" black-rim wheels to the interior evoking the look and feel of the classic black Saab 900 Turbo. Even the steering wheel's purpose-built for performance.

But enough, let's move on to the test procedure which is what we were all here for anyway. GM asked the Corvette Racing support team from Pratt & Miller to break away from their Jakegasm for the day to time the laps, and behind the steering wheel of each of the vehicles they dropped the Scandinavian sensation Jan Magnussen and sent him out on the track to do some laps on both a dry and wet track. Yes, that's the same Jan Magnussen with 25 Formula 1 starts, and triple Le Mans 24 hours wins for Corvette Racing. Good guy to have behind the wheel, right?

Each of the vehicles were sent out as stock, and all of them were sent out with traction control nanny systems fully engaged. So how'd the Turbo X do? Well, it's a GM event, so how'd you think they did? Actually, surprisingly better than expected. On the dry track, the Turbo X garnered commendable middle-of-the-road status, beaten by the Subaru WRX STi and the M3 by a couple of seconds and the 3-series by only a few tenths of a second. The Turbo X surprisingly put away the A4 by almost 2.5 seconds.

But it was on the wet track that that new 4th-generation Haldex XWD system really appeared to prove its mettle — blowing away the A4 Quattro, besting the Subie and dropping behind the best M3 lap time by only one tenth of a second.

While that's great for Saab to have a product that can take on the best of the mid-size performance sedans, it's still only a limited-run vehicle. Approximately 600 of the 2,000 special edition 9-3's produced will make it across the ocean to be snatched up by Saab-ophiles, which is not enough to really make a dent in the marketplace. Still, with that understated look and those respectably tough performance numbers, it's an interesting choice for performance-minded buyers of mid-size sedans. That is if you happen to be one of the lucky few able to snatch up this spicy Swedish meatball. But we guess that's the point. Saab marketing folks hope the 9-3x will build a buzz about their cross-wheel drive system that'll be hitting the rest of the 9-3 lineup in the near-term future, and expanding to, you know, other Saab models shortly. In that, we think, they've accomplished what they'd set out to do.

We'd have liked to provide a bit more detail on our experience driving the new 2008 Saab Turbo X after the day's testing was complete. However, because the boss's left foot got a little bit heavy — and a lot bit forgetful — we didn't get more than a lap and a half. And by "we," we mean him. We'll just let his sidebar explanation over yonder explain that one to you. Suffice it to say, the Saab folks were mighty good sports, and our intrepid boss was mighty red-in-the-face at the end of the day as he remembered exactly why his road test editor was given the responsibility for track-days.

Enforcement Areas

Unlike certain laws, such as cell phone usage or seat belt infractions, speeding laws are almost universally primary. That means that you don't have to be breaking another law to get a ticket, though if you do break the law you could be looking at additional fines if you're breaking other laws.

The map above shows the volume of tickets issued by state patrols (in most cases) for speeding infractions. This is the total volume, so total population of drivers is not factored into the map. There are a few states that also did not participate in the Governor's Highway Safety Association report. California, Texas and the District of Columbia were the major ticket issuers by total number in 2003, but the District of Columbia, Wyoming and Vermont were the highest per capita issuers of tickets. Here were the top ten per capita ticket issuers:

Washington D.C.: 553,523 residents with 434,301 tickets = 78.5% of the population
Wyoming: 506,529 residents with 46,366 tickets = 9.2% of the population
Vermont: 621,394 residents with 52,269 tickets = 8.4% of the population
North Dakota: 634,366 residents with 45,510 tickets = 7.2% of the population
Mississippi: 2,902,966 residents with 197,434 tickets = 6.8% of the population
Maryland: 5,558,058 residents with 349,921 tickets = 6.3% of the population
New Mexico: 1,903,289 residents with 117,303 = 6.2% of the population
South Carolina 4,198,068 residents with 228,363 tickets = 5.4% of the population
Delaware: 830,364 residents with 44,551 tickets = 5.4% of the population
Massachusetts 6,416,505 residents with 337,103 tickets = 5.3% of the population

Highest Speeding Fines

As speeding is a state crime, it's up to the states to determine how much of a penalty can be levied for a first time offense (additional offenses can cause higher penalties, as well speeding in areas such as construction or school zones). The most expensive maximum fine is Virginia, with a first time offense of $1,500.

Here were the top ten most expensive fines in 2007:

Virginia: $1,500
Georgia: $1,000
Illinois: $1,000
Nevada: $1,000
New Hampshire: $1,000
North Carolina: $1,000
Utah: $759
Oregon: $600
Kansas: $500
Maryland: $500

While you may think these penalties are a bit steep, we'd point out that in Finland speeding tickets are proportional to income and a director at Nokia was slapped with a more than $100,000 fine for going 16 miles over the speed limit.

[Sources: The Newspaper, Governor's Highway Safety Association and Forbes]

For over a year and a half, I was in charge of the claims department at a valet company. I was in charge of handling claims in over 13 different states. If your car was damaged, stolen, or if items were taken from your car, you either spoke or yelled at me. I believe the best way to avoid any of these tenuous situations is prevention. But if the worst does happen, there are some tips included for how to deal with an incident.

1. Please be sure that you are handing the keys to the valet.

Please don't give us the chauffer/FOB keys, or else it will be hard to start the car later. Most valets uniforms are as follows: khaki shorts or pants, a polo t-shirt with the company logo, and finally white sneakers. Valets are required to wear uniforms of this sort and if you are doubtful, look for other valets dressed in the same or similar uniforms to confirm the person you are speaking to is a genuine valet.

2. Visually inpsect your vehicle before handing the keys to the valet.

Those 30 seconds you spend inspecting your vehicle may save you the headache of noticing a scratch that had previously been there.

3. Remove any portable electronics of value from the car.

Ipods, GPS recievers, and radar detectors are popular targets, take the item with you. Expensive sunglasses are also a prime target of theft. No one cares about your change. You can lock the items in your glovebox but if the valet has the keys or left the vehicle unlocked, it's pointless to leave the items in there. Thieves primarily go after small expensive items that can be stored in their pockets.

4. If you must leave expensive items in your trunk(i.e. laptop or Christmas presents), COVER THEM UP!

Theft from cars is a crime of opportunity, if they don't see or notice it, they won't steal it.

5. Never mention any expensive items in your car (i.e. I just got a new GPS for my car) because you're practically begging to having your items stolen.

6. If your car has weird quirks, (i.e. door has to be opened a certain way or the window can't be rolled down) please tell the valet ahead of time, it'll save you a headache.

At the end of the night, please be sure to visually inspect the car and check your vehicle for valuable items before leaving the property. If you fail to notice damage to your vehicle until you get home or the next day, the valet company will simply say all claims must be made before leaving property, you will be S.O.L.

The reason is because it's difficult to pin the damage on the valet company when the damage could have been caused by another party after leaving the property. Always keep all the tickets given to you by the valet company just in case there is an issue.

So you notice there is damage to your vehicle or there are missing items from your vehicle.

1. Ask to speak to the valet manager.

The manager will fill out an incident report and forward it to the claims department, you should get a copy for your records, and you should be contacted within 1-2 business days. In case of a stolen vehicle, contact the authorities and more than likely, your insurance company will be dealing directly with the valet company.

2. If your keys are lost, usually the valet company offers the claimant a ride or pays for a taxi.

If you live far away, it may be cheaper to rent a vehicle than take a taxi. I know it sounds FUBAR but trust me, valet companies are cheapskates.

3. If the vehicle cannot be driven, under most circumstances, you will have to rent a vehicle with your own money until the valet company can send you a check.

Most valet companies adhere to the same standards as insurance companies, so the highest amount for a rental is usually $40.00. If you rent something uber expensive, you're going to have to eat the difference yourself.

4. Never let a valet company try to strongarm you into going to an autobody repair facility they suggest.

The law dictates that you have the choice to go to any facility of your choice. More than likely, you will be asked to get 2-3 estimates (go to facilities you trust) and fax it to the valet company. If the estimate exceeds a certain amount, an independent appraiser will be sent(at the expense of the valet company) out to verify the damage to the vehicle. If the damage exceeds the value of the car (80%), the car will be written off as a total loss and you'll be paid the market value of your vehicle.

5. Do not drop off your vehicle for repairs until you have the check in hand.

The reason I say so is if the valet company only pays for the five days it takes to repair your vehicle, that's all they'll pay. So if you jump the gun on dropping off your car and you don't get the check until five days later, you have to pay the five extra days yourself.

6. In the case you have items stolen from your vehicle, it's almost next to impossible to get reimbursed for them.

My best advice is most valet companies are subcontractors at the facility you're at. So for example, if you stay at a hotel, bring the claim to the attention of the hotel and not the valet company, the hotel is the real customer here and they will put pressure on the valet company to reimburse you. If the valet company tries to tell you their policy is written on the ticket, just ignore it. The policy written on the ticket will not hold up in court so you can tell them to back off. If you have home owners insurance, your vehicle is covered for theft as long as you have the reciepts for the items in your car.

On a final note, most valets are just college kids trying to make ends meet. The wages for valets are tip-based so if you're dealing with a kind and courteous valet, please give them a tip as a token of your appreciation (my suggestion is $5.00). If you drive an exotic, $20.00 makes sure the car is parked up front and there will be no hooning in it since usually the manager will park it him/herself.

Hygroscopic Action!

As do brake pads and rotors, brake fluid wears out. A more accurate description is that the fluid becomes contaminated with moisture by nature of being hygroscopic, which by definition means it has a tendency to absorb moisture from the atmosphere. Water in brake fluid bad news on two levels. Brake fluid is made to resist turning from a liquid into a gas - or boiling. Water turns from liquid to gas at 212 degrees. If the brake fluid absorbs too much water, its boiling will drop. When the brakes get hot the brake fluid will boil, and turn from liquid to gas. Not a good deal at all. Boiling of the trapped moisture also creates the vapors within the brake system, and may be where the air in the lines came from in the first place. Classic symptoms of air in the lines is a spongy brake pedal feel. Another problem with contaminated brake fluid is corrosion. Water in the brake fluid makes it corrosive to every part of the brake system. Regular flushing of brake fluid by way of bleeding can keep corrosion and brake failure away.

Dotted Lines

When it comes to bleeding brakes and replacing brake fluid try to use new brake fluid with the same DOT rating as the stuff that's already in there. DOT is an acronym for the Department of Transportation. Brake fluid is classified as DOT3, 4, 5 and so on. What the DOT ratings specify is the minimum boiling point of the brake fluid. Be wary of using some DOT 5 silicon-based brake fluids. These fluids get around the problem of water absorption by being not at all hygroscopic. While this solves one problem it creates another. Any water in the brake system settles at the lowest point, such as the bottom of a brake caliper piston. An extremely important thing to remember about brake fluid is that is will destroy painted finishes. When working with brake fluid always keep plenty of cool, clean water nearby. Immediately flush any spills. Always dispose of used brake fluid properly. Over the years we've tried plenty of different ways to bleed brakes, but always come back to this simple hose and catch container riff. We're counting on you to share your favorite brake bleeding methods or stories in the comments.

Stuff You'll Need:

· Service Manual
· About Two Hours
· Penetrating Oil or Similar Potion
· Brake Fluid
· Vinyl Tubing
· Bleed-o-Matic or Similar Catch Container
· Line or Box-End Wrench, Hand Tools
· Plenty of Cool, Clean, Water for Spills
· Siphon or Turkey Baster
· Jack and Jack Stands
· Catch Tray
· Helper [Optional]

Locate the bleed screws and spray some penetrating oil or similar miracle rust busting potion onto the threads. These small screws are notoriously easy to shear off. Miracle fluid will help them on their way. A light tap with a small hammer can also help break the threads loose. Go easy there, Thor.

Siphon off as much of the old crappy fluid as possible. Brake fluid should be clear, not dark brown as shown here. Top off reservoir with new clean fluid to the full level. Don't let the master cylinder run dry while bleeding. Try to use fluid from a fresh bottle. Brake fluid is hygroscopic even sitting on a shelf in a container. If using the turkey baster, don't use it to baste turkeys or roasts again. Remember: brake fluid will destroy paint.

Start with the caliper or wheel cylinder furthest away from the master cylinder. First mount a wrench on the screw in question, and then slip a bit of tubing over the end. Use a line wrench or the box end to prevent stripping. The other end of the tubing goes into a catch container. We like to use cheap clear vinyl tubing from the hardware store, and one of these bleed-o-matic deals with the magnet on it.

Crack the bleeder screw just enough to let fluid and ideally trapped air to escape. The trick is not to turn it so far that the screw lets air back in. Gravity may take effect here. Be prepared for brake fluid.

Go back into the car and slowly push down on the brake pedal once or twice. If you have an assistant, then have them push down on the pedal. Now is also a good time to replace any worn pedal covers. Close the bleed screw. The bleed screws are just as east to shear off while tightening as loosening. Check the catch container, and add more brake fluid to the reservoir if required.

Pump the brake pedal a few times. Open the bleed screw again. Repeat the opening of the screw and pushing down of the brake pedal until the brake fluid runs clear and bubble free into the catch container. Cinch up the bleed screw, and move on to the next nearest bleeder screw. Keep going until the fluid runs clear and free of bubbles from all four.

ABS equipped systems may require an additional step. This is where the service manual for your own fine automobile comes in handy. This giant firewall mounted slug of aluminum und schteel is the rear ABS brake actuator on a 1987 Starion. YMMV.

Another plan is to pick up one of these power bleeder deals, or make one from a plant sprayer and associated hardware. The idea is to pressurize the entire system at once, then bleed without the whole climbing in and out of the car and pushing the pedal deal. – Mike Bumbeck

Related:
And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Parts [Internal]

Squeeze Play

An engine makes power by taking in a mixture of air and fuel, pushing the mixture into a confined space, and lighting it aflame. The energy from this explosion pushes the cylinder back down into the hole. Internal combustion! The valves and seals, pistons and rings, and cylinder wall surface all work together to create a tight seal. If any or all of these parts that confine the explosion inside the cylinder get beat up or wear out, engine performance suffers. The reason the old Plymouth was going nowhere despite a carburetor rebuild, tune-up, and so on, was that number two, number seven, and half of number five cylinders had almost no compression. The rest of the cylinders were not in much better shape. Confinement had been lost.

Divining Rod

In a perfect world, the parts inside an engine slowly wear out in unison. In every other world, this rarely happens. If an engine burns voluminous amounts of oil, is down on power, or is just plain running like crap, a compression test is a good way to check what's going on inside the engine without taking it apart. The thing to hope for from a compression test is even numbers. Good news if the cylinders check out within 10 or so PSI of each other, and those numbers sync up with the factory pressure specs. Bad news if one or more of the cylinders show a difference of 15 or more PSI. The service manual will supply guidance on drawing conclusions from test results, and will also list compression service limits. A leakdown tester, which fills the cylinder with compressed air, with can peer deeper into engine problems if the compression test reveals problems.

Little Squirt

If one cylinder shows a low reading, remove the compression tester and squirt some engine oil inside the spark plug hole. Test again. If the second test reveals a higher reading, then worn piston rings or cylinder walls may be the culprits. If the reading stays the same then suspect worn valves or other top end issues. If the gauge shows a very low or zero on any one or more of the cylinders then you too may be the proud owner of a V-5 and-a-half. The 4K-C in this Starlet is a four-stroke gasoline peanut grinder engine. Rotary, two-stroke, diesel, and perpetual motion engines call for a different riff. In any case an engine with low sealing compression in one or more cylinders will never run right - no matter how many new parts are connected to it. The compression test is a good baseline diagnostic and long-term financing tool. Where to spend money will soon be obvious!

Stuff You'll Need:

· About an Hour
· Service Manual
· A Healthy Battery
· Spark Plug Socket and Extension
· Hand Tools
· Compression Gauge Set
· Helper [Optional]

Prep for the compression test by making sure the battery is up to snuff, and warming up the engine. Warm parts make for a better seal and more accurate reading. Look in the service manual and see how to disable the ignition, and fuel system if required. In this case we just yanked the coil wire and the ingnitor connector from the distributor.

Remove all the spark plugs. Removing the spark plugs will let the engine turn over with ease. Don't mix up the wires. Like a slant six the Toyota 4K-C has spark plug tubes that like to come out with the plugs. Determine which tester adapter will work for your engine.

Some kits come with threaded adapters. If you're going solo then use the threaded bits. If you have a helper, then use the rubber-tipped extension deals. Either way the idea is to create the same seal as a spark plug while the engine is turning over. Don't over torque the adapters.

Mount the gauge to the adapter. Crank engine over a few times until the needle on the gauge stops climbing. Holding or propping the throttle plate open can speed up air intake. Record final reading on a scrap of paper or with a Sharpie on hand.

Hit the button on the gauge to release the pressure. Repeat compression test for each cylinder. Try not to knock your head on the hood when Beavis lays on the horn when you tell him to turn over the engine on number three. Record and compare final readings to factory specs. – Mike Bumbeck

Related:
Oil and Filter Change; And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Parts [Internal]

There's no need for me to describe why it was necessary to build a boombox out of plywood and car parts. It's obvious that we all need such a thing. Now, if you're not interested in the nitty-gritty and merely want to see the finished result — here is the post for you. However, if you've got the moxie to see how the Turbo II Junkyard Boogaloo Boombox came to be, all your questions can be answered below the jump ...

In the beginning, there was the Tercel. When your friend's beater '86 Tercel wagon throws a rod and it's not worth fixing, what do you do? Why, you run over and pluck some parts off it before she lets the junkyard truck take it away!

In this case, I grabbed the alternator, jack, speakers, and a few other bits. Most importantly, I got the battery- it was new-ish and in good shape, and you can always use an extra car battery around the house. But then I thought of the boxes full of weird car parts I had sitting around, including a decent cassette deck, when it hit me...

Back in the early 80s, you used to see break dancers with crude boomboxes made from a car battery, car stereo, and a bunch of speakers, all bungeed and duct-taped up to a dolly. The concept was sound, but the execution a little crude. What if you were to build that sort of boombox the right way, using not only a car battery but all car parts? Well, you'd really have something then!

I'd already scratch-built several dash panels for hot-rod beater cars, generally using street-sign aluminum and junkyard gauges and switches, so this concept wasn't totally without precedent for me. Above is a dash I put together for a '65 Impala, complete with '66 Buick speedometer, Opel clock, and Fiat warning lights.

What I learned building dash panels was that you don't have to have world-class fabrication skills (or tools) to have fun building something out of junkyard parts. In fact, it's not about the skills, it's about the idea- have a good idea and you'll find some way to make your meager skills and cheap tools do the job.

That means a trip to the junkyard! Hooray! I had a pair of fuzztastic 4" round dash speakers from the Tercel, but I needed some bigger units to provide the bass for those Erik B & Rakim beats I'd be playing. This '93 Mercury Grand Marquis looked promising.

Sure enough, the Mercury was packing some nice factory JBL-made 6x9s on the back deck. Good thing it's Half Price Day!

I was also going to need a fusebox- it wouldn't do to have my new boombox catch on fire due to a short in the wiring- so this Mitsubishi Galant was my next junkyard stop.

In most cars, the underdash fusebox is a big hassle to remove, so I went for the one under the hood; later on I would just slice off the part with the relays, leaving me with a nice, small fusebox that would fit easily in the boombox-to-be.

I'd also need some lighter assemblies, since I'd want to be able to power the many accessories made to plug into car lighters (and the plan was to use the lighter sockets for battery charging as well). Some quick prybar work on the dash of this Volvo, and I've got one. I'll grab a few more from whatever cars I spot that look like they have easily-torn-out lighter assemblies.

A boombox must have an antenna, but since I'd already planned to name this one the Turbo II (Turbo I being the prototype bungees-and-dolly box I'd seen on Telegraph Avenue circa 1981) I realized I'd need to have two antennas. Power antennas. So I went hunting for 80s BMWs, which packed power antennas and- supposedly- reliable German engineering. Like this one, for example...

Well, that's easy enough! Just a few bolts and the antenna is mine. Halfway done! Oh, wait...

Fortunately, I had brought along a toolbox-sized 12-volt battery pack (originally intended for use in powering camcorder spotlights) so I could test any potential Turbo II power antennas. And it's a good thing I did, because the vast majority of power antennas in the junkyard are bad. Some of them do nothing when you hit them with the juice, some groan miserably and then stall, and others just go click-click-click. Above is a shot of one such test being performed.

The good news is that the yard was packed with Volvos, BMWs, Saabs, and Mercedeses with power antennas (most of the Japanese power antennas are grabbed minutes after hitting the yard, and I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain why I didn't consider American power antennas). After testing over thirty lemons I had found precisely one winner. Finally, I came upon one of the last Beemers in the yard...

Success! This antenna works great; it shall be mine!

I was also going to need some classy ashtrays- you know, a real boombox needs ashtrays- so I hit this '77 Jag. Foolishly, I also pulled a couple of the marker lights and some switches off the old cat; yeah, I should know better, but I thought it would be funny to have some Lucas Electric stuff on the boombox. This decision would definitely come back to haunt me during the construction phase.

Then a quick stop at this Datsun Z for some marker lights; just remove a couple of screws per light and they come right off.

Lead-acid batteries emit hydrogen under some circumstances, and it would be kind of a drawback to have Turbo II go up in an apocaylptic blast of blazing plywood and shards of hot metal. Must be safe- must provide vents to let that flammable gas escape. Well, what's safer than a Volvo? 200-series Volvo wagons have these nice rectangular flow-through vents, so I grabbed several. The Swedish Safety Aura clinging to these components will doubtless increase safety beyond mere ventilation!

All right, time to get started on the precision Turbo II case. Since anything with a car battery is going to be on the heavy side to begin with, there's no need to fool with weight-saving measures; forget skimpy thin plastics or easily dented metal. 5/8" plywood is the obvious choice! If you look real closely at the back deck area of the Crown Vic in the background, you can see Wanky The Safety Cat observing the proceedings.

Meanwhile, some of the components and tools get laid out on the dining-room table- I mean, workbench. Damn you, insane Bay Area housing prices and my inability to afford a place with a shop space of some sort!

Meanwhile, in the shop- I mean, back yard- the panel cutting begins. Six pieces of plywood for the six sides of the boombox.

The bottom, back, and side panels get screwed together early on, since this section will form the base structure upon which the top and front panels (which will contain most of the active components) will be supported. I thought of using glue as well as screws, but decided against it, just in case total disassembly is ever needed.

Measure once, cut twice! Or something like that. Good thing plywood's cheap!

First car bits to be installed are the power antennas, since their bulk and finicky nature mean everything else will need to be built/installed around them. Here's the right-side antenna held in place with L-brackets and some steel wire.

The left-side antenna needs to be held out about 3/4" from the back of the case, so that the two antennas can cross over each other when extending for that "rabbit-ears" look so crucial to a good boombox. Here's a spacer to accomplish that task.

And here's the left-hand antenna in place. Plumber's tape is the boombox-maker's friend!

Because the antennas have different extended lengths, it was necessary to space them in such a way that they'd form a nice even "V" when fully extended. The left-side antenna sits down quite a bit lower than the right-side one; already this arrangement is causing design headaches- will the battery still fit?

Label the antenna electrical connections now to avoid confusion later (this applies to all connectors in Turbo II). Power antennas have pretty simple wiring (unless they're Toyota antennas, in which case they have ungodly complicated microprocessor-controlled setups); you have a ground wire, one wire that is powered up when the ignition goes on, and one wire that goes hot when the radio is turned on. If the ignition and radio wire are both hot, the antenna extends; if only the ignition wire is hot, the antenna retracts.

Next, it's time to cut the hole for the fusebox; it needs to be on the back panel, where the fuses can be accessed. I thought of rigging some sort of access door, but then figured a simple opening would be fine.

And here it is, ready for later fusebox installation.

The front panel is going to need a lot of holes cut. I laid out some of the items I planned to use in the boombox, so I could figure out what pieces I'd be using and where to put them.

After much measuring and trial-and-error, the front panel is marked up and ready for cutting. Lots of strange shapes and sizes here!

But before cutting, it's a good idea to make sure the stuff most likely to be defective (i.e., any component with moving parts) isn't malfunctioning. Here's the cassette deck hooked up to power and speakers. Ready for action! This deck was a brand-new Audiovox GM factory-replacement unit I picked up cheap on eBay, thinking it would fit a Geo Metro I had at the time; unfortunately, the deck was intended for use in the Chevy Beretta and the Metro was actually a Suzuki, so the deck languished in one of my many Boxes Of Orphaned Car Parts for years.

Some of the items are circular (e.g., round speakers, voltmeter, etc) but of course they're oddball metric sizes and/or never meant to be installed in 5/8" plywood, so nice precision circular hole saws won't do the trick here. Go, plywood-shredding Universal Hole Saw! Gggrrrnnnchh!

Time to show a mugshot of my precision boombox-case-making tools! Yeah, I cheated and used a table saw earlier, but most of the work on this thing was done using the four tools you see above.

Here the clock and voltmeter holes (both standard 2-1/16" gauge size) are cut, plus the oddball center-and-screws hole for the 60s Toyota Corona marker light I had once used as a big obvious oil pressure light in some souped-up bomb or other. Nice to use up those random car parts taking up space!

The cassette deck fits in its hole, which required all sorts of reshaping and notching for the various bolts and flanges needed to mount it in the dash of a '95 Beretta. At this point I am starting to kinda regret having selected 5/8" plywood, as no car components are designed to mount in any surface that thick.

Time to take a break from the front panel for a bit. The Volvo 245 flow-through vent fits nicely over an easy-to-cut rectangular hole on the left side panel. I'll be using one vent each on the sides of the boombox, plus another on the top.

Since car batteries tend to leak sulfuric acid when sloshed enough, it seemed wise to put some sort of anti-acid tray beneath the Turbo II power supply. Here's the bottom section of an old marine battery box, cut down to fit beneath the power antennas. If the boombox gets upside down it might still leak, but otherwise it should exude minimal H2S04 onto the shoulder of its operator.

Some means of holding the battery in place would be needed, so I drilled a couple holes in the back panel and slid a pair of 9" carriage bolts through and around the battery.

Then feed the bolts through a steel strap with a couple holes and the battery is held firmly against the back panel. I'll take the battery out for now, so I won't have to wrestle it around for the rest of the build.

Since the hold-down strap won't do a good job at preventing vertical battery movement (and you just know the incredible groovosity of this thing is going to cause a lot of vertical movement), a section of 2x2 is screwed in place at the level of the top of the battery. This will hold the battery down.

This thing is going to be heavy, so it's necessary to have some sort of bracing from the handle on the top to the bottom panel that supports the battery. So, cut some 2x4s and apply wood glue...

...then some lag bolts on the bottom to get those 2x4s well-secured...

...and there they are! The handle will attach to the tops of these 2x4s, through the top panel.

Since there are now four nasty table-gouging bolt heads sticking out the bottom, the boombox will need some adjustable furniture feet on the bottom panel. Drill a hole, tap in the plastic insert with a hammer, and thread in the foot.

Time to finish cutting the front panel holes. Here's a set of cardboard templates I made for some of the rectangular items; these will get a lot more use when it comes time to build the top panel. I'm already learning what a hassle it is to mount dashboard components in plywood when they were meant to go in thin metal or plastic panels.

The front panel holes have been cut! Now it's time to start installing car parts into it...

First to be installed, the rear marker lights from the '77 Jaguar. However, because we're dealing with Lucas Electric components (see the dreaded mark of the Prince of Darkness himself on the reflector plate), both lights reveal themselves to be total failures on testing. The diagnosis: incredible amounts of corrosion on anything resembling an electrical contact.

Several hours of filing, sanding, soldering, and general total rebuilding later, the Jag lights are working fine and ready for installation. Yeah, my ironic gesture of including British parts in this thing is turning out to be a full-scale pain in the ass. But hey, they look great- just like a Jaguar! I also need to fix the Jaguar switch I'll be using to power the clock circuit, as I cut the odd-sized hole before the switch fell apart in my hands. God save the Queen!

The Mercury Marquis speakers fit just fine in their oval holes. Four screws apiece and they're fixed in place.

These Low Fuel warning lights came from early-70s Peugeots; you used to see these cars frequently in the junkyards 15 years ago, and I always pried these cool little lights out of the dash when I spotted them during a junkyard expedition back then. I figured I'd use them for a project some day; now that day has come! Some of these lights needed new bulbs and, being French, their bulb-replacement operation was a real hassle, requiring bending back of some finicky little finger-puncturing metal tabs. The lesson learned here: British stuff doesn't work at all, French stuff punishes you for trying to use it. Anyway, the cardboard template for this light's mounting hole came in handy when it came time to cut six identical holes in the plywood.

Here's one component that may not be a car part; I picked up this indicator light at the legendary (and, sadly, now defunct) Quinn's Electronics in Oakland. Quinn's is where Wozniak bought many of the parts for the Apple I prototype; a decade earlier, the sound equipment used by the Grateful Dead was built using many Quinn's-obtained components. I figured I needed at least one Quinn's piece in the Turbo II. Since this light required a 1/4" or thinner mounting surface, I had to counter-sink the hole so I could get the mounting nut to bite.

When you're running a boombox from a car battery, you want to know how much juice you have left. No sweat- you can find nice universal-mount VDO voltmeters in lots of different easy-to-find-in-junkyard VWs, Porsches, and Audis from the 70s and 80s. Here's one I snagged from a junked Audi 100.

Once again, 5/8" plywood makes mounting components a challenge. Here, I must use tinsnips to shorten the legs of the mounting bracket for the voltmeter in order to make it fit. The Volvo clock will get an aircraft-grade hoseclamp-and-epoxy treatment. We'll skip the details of all the gizmos on the front panel and just hit the high points from this point on.

As the components go in, they get wired. Part of the plan for this project was to use wire that I already had on hand, so there will be no standardizing of colors. What, you think I'm made of money and am going to spring for all new wire? That's crazy talk! As long as I label everything and use sufficient wire gauge size for the power needs of each component, all will be well. Here I'm labeling the main ground wire for the front panel.

I'll be using turn-signal flashers (four of them) to make the various flashing lights do their thing. Better test everything first! Good thing I had some extra flashers (grabbed from 70s Chrysler vehicles in the junkyard, as the flashers are easy to find and remove), because a couple of them were bad. A turn-signal flasher wants a specific load in order to flash at the right rate (or flash at all), so a lot of trial-and-error was necessary here to work out which lights would be on which flasher circuit.

Here's a view of the back side of the front panel. Most of the components are installed and now it's a matter of hooking up wires, testing stuff, etc.

The table's looking pretty messy already, with little bits of wire insulation everywhere. I don't want the car battery in the house, so I'm testing components using the same camcorder-light battery pack I used for testing power antennas in the junkyard.

Switches... wires... tools... they just build up. Damn, a proper shop would be nice!

Here are the three flashers I'll be using on the front panel's lights (the fourth flasher will work the lights on the top panel and will be installed there). They'll be zip-tied in place.

The three main sections of the boombox (top panel, front panel, and base section) will connect to each other using connectors hacked out of junked cars; that way I can disconnect them and remove a panel if I need to work on it separately. The connector set above is from the power window control wires in a late-80s Crown Victoria; I also grabbed connectors from under the dashes of several Japanese cars. If the wire gauge on a connector set was too skinny, I'd solder up two or three leads in parallel to get the equivalent of 10- 12- or 14-gauge wire.

Every real boombox needs to be able to play 8-tracks! This fine Radio Shack player was $11.95 (with shipping) on eBay and worked perfectly. Here it is mounted and wired.

So now the wiring on the front panel is more or less done. Let's take a look at some of the details...

For you lovers of factory speakers, here's what the JBL-built Ford 6x9s look like from the rear.

The bundles of wires are ziptied to keep them orderly. The wiring harness is already more complicated than the dash harnesses in many cars. For this reason it's important to test everything over and over- it's hard to fix a wiring problem once it's buried in tape and zipties. You can also see one of the 4" Dai-Ichi speakers out of the '86 Tercel that supplied the battery.

Now it's time to get rolling on the top panel. Once I've selected which car switches to use, I need to mark the outlines for the holes that will mount them. Here's where the cardboard templates come in very handy.

It's a little hard to make out the pencil marks, but here's the top panel ready to be cut. This panel will hold all the switches, the handle, some lights, and the ashtrays and lighters.

Once again, the jigsaw bites into plywood.

Since everything associated with the Jaguar parts must be a hassle, so it is with the pair of Jaguar ashtrays. Because of the way the ashtray lids hinge back, a vertical cut on the top edge of each mounting hole will cause interference when the lid is opened. Therefore I must use a Dremel to angle the openings enough to provide lid clearance. This requires many trial-and-error test fits, but eventually the ashtrays work fine in their holes.

Here is the top panel with some of the holes cut. The two ashtray holes and three lighter holes are on the right.

I'll be using a slick '84 Toyota Cressida Electronic Controlled Transmission switch to operate the power antennas and FM modulator. Unfortunately, the switch has weird bladelike bits that mean I need to cut a hole with notches.

What a hassle! But, after lots of test-fit-and-cut-some-more action, the switch fits fine.

All right, the top panel holes are all cut! Now it's time to start installing stuff in it.

But wait! I realized- with great groaning and slapping of own forehead, that any boombox worth its salt needs a cup holder! So back to the junkyard to grab a slide-out cup holder from a '90 Toyota Tercel. This style of cup holder just needs a long, narrow opening for mounting. The only place such an opening would fit would be on the front panel, right above the 8-track player. So, I remove the 8-track and the right-side Jaguar light and mark the outline of the new hole.

I put some masking tape over the existing components (don't want them clogged with sawdust) and started cutting.

And there it is! I had to grind off some mounting lugs to make it fit in the slot, but that was a quick job with the Dremel.

The cup holder was supposed to mount in the Tercel's dash using some screws, but that wouldn't work in the plywood face of Turbo II. JB Weld was called for here- just mix some up and run a bead around the edge of the cup holder case.

While I'm working on the front panel, it's a good time to install the very crucial Turbo logo. Some of you might recognize it as the emblem from an 80s Chrysler product. Mix up yet more JB Weld and slather it on...

And there ya go: Turbo II, baby!

The front panel is done! Its connectors will hook up to the top panel and base section once they're ready. Now, let's return to the top panel.

This '79 Toyota Corona air-conditioning switch will be used as the "ignition" switch, activating the stereos and some other components. It mounts using a little threaded flange...

...like this. One big hole, one small one, and a screw. The rest of the switches pretty much just snapped into their holes, with more or less persuasion and cursing.

The Jaguar ashtrays were originally held in place with these brackets. Of course, they were meant to mount in some flimsy sheet metal, so I had to shorten them. The lower bracket in the photo is the modified one.

And the new ashtray brackets work fine. Guess I'll have to start smoking now!

Since I'll want to be able to play external sources of music (e.g., CD player, MP3 player, etc.), I'll need an FM modulator. This unit wires directly inline to the antenna cable feed into the radio, so outside RF interference isn't a problem. A little plumber's tape and it's mounted proper-like.

Here's the modulator installed, with power wiring and audio cables.

The modulator's audio cables go to a pair of male/male RCA connectors that pass through to the upper side of the top panel. The external music source will connect from the other side.

Fiats and Alfas of the early 70s had these neat metal warning lights; back when those cars were common in the junkyards I grabbed all I could find (you may recall seeing them in my Impala dash earlier). Those Italians sure have a sense of style!

Here we see five Italian warning lights installed and wired in the top panel.

The control switches get wired. The smell of solder never leaves me at this point.

The flasher for the top lights is ziptied to the Datsun marker light.

The loose wires are stapled down.

Since Turbo II is going to be portable (in theory), it will need a good sturdy handle on top. So let's go back, back, back in time... back to 1995, when I drove the ol' beater '65 on a move from San Francisco to Atlanta with all my possessions on board. Since I was going Joad-style- that is, with stuff tied on the outside of the car- I rigged up a bracket out of plumbing parts and mounted it on the trunk lid, providing a secure place to lock my bike. Over a decade later, I still have this bracket (nicely weathered), and now it will serve a new purpose.

The outer holes on the handle brackets will be used for lag bolts that will go to the 2x4s installed earlier; the inner holes get bolted to the top panel, using fender washers on the back side.

The top panel is finished! Here's the outer side. Note the odd-shaped hole for the power antennas.

And here's the inner side. Lots of connectors, and I'm running the negative battery cable into this panel, since all the switches plus the high-load lighters (through which the battery will be charged later) are on this panel. The positive battery cable will run to the fusebox, so that will stay on the base section. I'll set the panels aside and get back to work on the base section now.

Since Turbo II will need to be able to power 120VAC household appliances via a DC-AC inverter, it will need an outlet. So, we slice off a computer power cable and hook up the wires to the connectors on an outlet.

Add the correct hardware and it's ready to go.

Using zipties, the inverter (a type originally designed to plug into a car lighter socket but now hardwired) is attached to the rear panel with some eyes and zipties.

The outlet box gets screwed into the right panel portion of the base section. I'll be using a nice brass outlet plate, for added class.

The inverter will be activated using the Peugeot rear-window defrost switch on the top panel. To make sure it works, I've hooked up the test battery and plugged in a clamp-on light with 75-watt bulb. Success!

I found this Piranha car alarm in a beater Ranchero I picked up sometime in the 80s, and it's knocked around in a Box Of Orphan Car Parts ever since. Today, it goes back into action- not in a car, to annoy bystanders by going off every time a bus rumbles by, but in the Turbo II Boombox under full manual control.

Slice off another piece of plumber's tape, hook up some wires, and the Turbo II is now fully alarmed. I'll hook it up to the Oil Reset switch on the top panel. It's freakin' loud!

I need to make sure none of the components or wiring interferes with anything else once the top and front panels get connected to the base section. Here's the top panel test-fitted.

The Volvo vents on the side panels now get screwed into place. Ja, safety!

The 2x4 supports need to be drilled for the lag bolts that will go down through the handle bases and top panel.

Now all the matching halves of the connectors already on the top and front panels need to be wired into the appropriate locations in the base section. More wire stripping! More soldering! More taping! All the connector wires were labeled as I wired the panels, so it's just a matter of paying attention to the labels as I work.

I've tried to keep the mess under control as I've gone along, but there's not much hope of that until this monster is finished.

Here's the Mitsubishi fusebox in place and some of the wiring hooked up.

I've designated each circuit and labeled the appropriate fuses. Unused fuses have been removed. For added safety against dead shorts, I've installed inline fuses on both battery cables near the terminals- a real hassle to replace if I blow one, but a boombox that explodes into flames tends to frighten the breakdancers.

All right, the base section is ready to receive the battery for real!

The battery wedges in beneath the 2x2 block on the back panel, and then the clamp nuts are tightened. That battery is staying put!

Here's the top view of the base section with battery in place. Everything fits fine so far.

I'll install the front panel with a few screws, in case I need to remove it for some last-second adjustments before attaching the top panel. The connectors from the front panel to base section are hooked up now, but the battery cables are left detached at this point.

The antenna cable out of that old BMW 5-series was very long and very difficult to remove (antenna was mounted at the rear of the car and the cable was routed and held in place by some very, very thorough German engineers. I thought of shortening it, but RF cables can be very finicky and this one seemed especially oddball, so I just rolled it up and ziptied the loop. Here it's being lowered into the boombox's innards.

Hook up the antenna cable to the left-hand antenna and it's all ready to funnel signals from the ether into the radio.

Now the top panel is ready for installation. First, all the connectors must be snapped together. Counting modulator antenna wires and the negative battery cable, there are ten connectors in all. Yes, that's a Don "The Snake" Prudhomme Funny Car connecting rod on the fireplace in the background, thanks for asking!

Deck screws. Many, many deck screws hold the front panel to the base section. I believe in overkill.

The lag bolts go down through the handle bases and the top panel, into the 2x4s below.

More deck screws around the perimeter of the top panel. Yes, in order to service the Turbo II's innards, I'll need to remove all the screws. Building an access panel would have meant less strength and/or fewer gizmos.

Finished. Hallelujah!

Turbo II may be finished, but it's not going to be very useful until there's some way to charge it (remember, the battery is sealed inside the thing now). So, some PVC plumbing fittings, a lighter plug, some brass bolts, JB Weld, and colored electrical tape. Voila!

Just activate the lighter switch (the Mercedes Hazard button), plug the charging adapter into one of the lighter sockets, and hook up the clamps from the battery charger onto the appropriate bolts.

Works great! Tomorrow the Turbo II will make its public debut.

Just pick it up by the handle and toss it in the back seat of the Crown Victoria! Ooh, that sloshing battery acid is a little disconcerting. How much does it weigh, you ask? Well, uh, let's just say one motivated person can manage it.

All right, fine- the Turbo II, Junkyard Boogaloo Boombox weighs 92 pounds. But so what? It's tailgate party time! For its debut, I've brought it to a tailgate party at an Oakland A's game, where some folks from Athletics Nation will be showing up to eat burned meat and bask in general boomboxy goodness.

As expected, everyone wants to listen to 8-track; music just sounds groovier on 8-track. I've brought a grand total of four 8-track tapes: The Shocking Blue, Montrose, Mandrill, and The Brothers Johnson.

Not only does the Turbo II play great music, provide a cup holder for your beer, and zap out household 120VAC power for your margarita blender, it serves as a lovely centerpiece for any food presentation. I'm sure Martha Stewart will be calling me up with advice about building her own boombox, any day now.

The only real drawback to the Toyota cup holder is that you can't use the 8-track player while it's in use...

...but no matter! We'll just turn on the modulator (by pushing the Econ button on the Cressida transmission switch; this also causes the antennas to retract), hook up the ol' MP3 player to a dual-RCA-connector cable, plug it into the connectors on the top panel,tune the radio to 87.9 MHz, and we got tunage! Not as much fun as the 8-track player, but we get a larger music selection.

The tailgate party is a success, and we can thank the Turbo II, Junkyard Boogaloo (well, plus the spicy meat-on-a-stick entrees) for that! You say you want one for yourself? Of course you do! Well, head on down to your local junkyard and start gathering parts... – Murilee Martin

Related:
Turbo II, Junkyard Boogaloo - Part 1: Features; If You Can't Buy It, Build It: Wanky The Safety Cat [internal]