That's not to take away from the accomplishment of Pandamonium Racing's BMW E30; I'll post about their overall win once I'm back to civilization. Now I"m going to pack up the Crown Vic and head south 130 miles. Check in later for more LeMons Arse Freeze roundups!

That's right, a British Leyland product has won the coveted IOE! This 1978 Triumph TR7 just kept going around and around and around, received only one black flag all weekend, and suffered from just two major mechanical problems. 46th place, a really cool trophy, and a cool thousand bucks in nickels. Congratulations, Black Knight Racing!

Jalopnik readers should be proud, because our own Comrade Teargaskov's team will be taking home the much-coveted Index Of Effluency trophy from The Lamest Day. The '87 Lada Niva wasn't very fast around the track- well, in fact it was quite slow- but the team didn't get a single black flag, and the inexorable people's transportation machinee was totally reliable after a few teething problems during the first hour of the race.

Total Loss Racing finished 58th out of 122, which was pretty impressive given the all-star nature of the faster cars and drivers at the event. Congratulations on your glorious proletarian victory, Total Loss Racing!

Let me tell you, this epic battle is gonna make the Cuban Missile Crisis look like a kiddie squabble at the day-care center! Will Soviet-made Fiat technology triumph over 4,500 pounds of very rusty Detroit iron? Let's take a look at the combatants:

Otherwise known as the VAZ-2107, the Fiat 124-based Lada Signet was available in Canada right up through the end of the Cold War, so our own Comrade Teargaskov went up to Canada and brought back a running $200 example. This team isn't messing around; they've got a PA system in the car to crank the Hymn Of The Soviet People on the track, no doubt intimidating the other racers with the indomitable spirit of the revolutionary cadres, in addition to all the requisite red flags, hammer-and-sickle emblems, and the coolest 1921-in-Leningrad-style car numbers we've ever seen. Here's a little video that shows how seriously Total Loss Racing is taking this thing. The Lada is a simple, sturdy rear-wheel-drive machine and might rack up a lot of laps over the course of the weekend. Oh, did I mention that this race is a true 24-straight-hours event, with no overnight break to fix busted cars?

Now, when we heard that a Lada would be racing, we figured that nothing on earth could possibly challenge a Soviet car for the Index Of Effluency. Then Team Police Brutality (whose Lincoln Continental Mark VIII was one of the fastest cars at LeMons South) picked up a terrifyingly wretched '61 Cadillac sedan about two weeks ago… and figured that they had plenty of time to get it ready to race. No, really! Crazy as it sounds, they've got it most of the way there; the roll cage is installed, the engine runs, and the brakes are, uh, awaiting completion. The reason for all the urgency is that Team Police Brutality is racing to raise money to beat up breast cancer, LAPD style, and they're getting backers to pledge a buck per lap completed during the race to Susan G. Komen For The Cure. Want to join those backers? Go here and sign up! The question is, how many laps can a drum-brake-equipped rustmobile that hasn't budged for decades complete? More than the Lada? We'll find out next weekend!

Naturally, we need to make a contest out of this battle, with fabulous prizes from LeMons HQ for the winner. To enter, just put the number of laps you think each car will finish in a comment below. The course is about two miles long and the race will go a full 24 hours, so the faster cars that run the whole time might get 600+ laps. These two cars aren't going to be so fast, and they will almost certainly might fall apart experience some technical difficulties on the track… but you never know! Win the contest and LeMons HQ will send you some shirts that they can't get anyone to buy at the races cool 24 Hours Of LeMons swag!



Total Loss Racing's 1987 Lada Signet


Team Police Brutality - Beating Up Breast Cancer's 1961 Cadillac Series 62

Yes, it's a 1975 BMW 530i done up in Jägermeister Gruppe 5 flares, orange paint, and antlers. Rusty Bolt Racing managed to beat out a pretty tough IOE field, including a Fiat 124 Spider, a Plymouth Acclaim, and a Chrysler Sebring; the car was quite slow, but it kept going around and around and only lost a single wheel flare over the course of the weekend.

I'm proud to say that I had a small role in this triumph; back when the team was still wondering what to do with their newly-obtained bright orange future LeMons car, they emailed me to ask if I thought a Dukes Of Hazzard theme would be a good idea. We've had a few variations on the General Lee in LeMons already (including a Chevy Nova and a Nissan Sentra), so I suggested they keep brainstorming. This fine race car is what they came up with. Good work, Rusty Bolt Racing!

The Organizer's Choice Award went to the Barfing Duck Saturn SL Batmobile. There's quite a story behind this car…

At the LeMons South Spring '09 race, Team Barfing Duck had such a lame theme- some sort of "Driver Ed" thing- that we forced them to Sawzall a spoiler out of their trunk lid. They didn't whine about it, but they also gave no hints about the awesomeness that was to come.

One of the team members let his son use the car for his college commute (betcha he was the only student on campus with a caged Saturn), and a little tree-cutting mishap ended up crushing it while parked. What to do now?

Simple! Just chop the top, add fins and some black paint, and you've got a fairly credible Batmobile. The weight savings helped on the track, too, with the Barfing Ducks nailing down an excellent 9th-place finish. Congratulations!

The much-sought-after Heroic Fix Award went to the anti-Obama-themed, Soviet-flag-bedecked Hong Norr CRX. I've done a few Civic engine swaps, so I know what a knuckle-shredding ordeal it can be; that's why it was so impressive that the Hong Norr guys went through four engines over the course of the weekend (they're CRX drag racers and brought a big stash of nitrous-thrashed engines with death rattles). In the photo above, we see the final engine going up in flames.

A 1967 Austin-Healey Sprite versus a 1962 Austin Mini? Whichever one managed to stay out on the track for most of the race would almost certainly wind up taking home the award that LeMons aficionados consider to be the pinnacle. The Sprite gave its all, but it suffered from a cascade of mechanical woes that kept it off the track for much of the weekend. Meanwhile, the little green Mini used every one of its engine's 948 998 cubic centimeters and just kept going around and around and around. The oldest car in 24 Hours Of LeMons history and the smallest third-smallest engine in 24 Hours Of LeMons history. Congratulations, Team Mr Bean!

By all accounts, it was the most exciting Index Of Effluency battle in LeMons history. The Corvair proved so reliable that Toyota teams were feeling envious- yeah, we sure as hell didn't expect that from the oldest car ever to run in LeMons- but its lap times were on the slow side and its funky handling characteristics resulted in frequent visits to the Penalty Box. In the end, however, the much faster Saab just couldn't stay in one piece for long, and the trophy that LeMons insiders consider to be the most prestigious goes to the team captained by our own UDMan. Well done, Team Trailing Throttle Oversteer, and may this serve as an inspiration for future LeMons teams trying to decide on the right car!
Image source: Ron Vickers, SmokeyBurnout

Yes, the X-11 is right up there with the Renault Fuego Turbo, the Lancia Scorpion, and the Humber Sceptre when it comes to 200-proof 24 Hours Of LeMons awesomeness: the "high-performance" version of what may well be the worst platform General Motors ever manufactured (cue the hate mail from enraged Pontiac Phoenix owners).



For '84, the Citation X-11 had functional cowl induction and 135 horses from its 2.8 liter V6, and it featured a better axle ratio and stiffer suspension than the base Citation. An X-11 should actually be pretty quick on the race track, if the performance of the closely related Cavalier wagon is any guide. You see, consumer-alienating stuff like 3/4" body panel gaps, overnight corrosion, window cranks that come off in your hand, etc., don't matter on a race car, so the X-11 will finally be in its element!

The last time we saw this team, things didn't go so well for their Corolla FX16. That car has been fixed by now, but the Schumacher Taxi Service will become Team Craptation for the 24 Hours Of LeMons New England race next month.

Equipped with active aerodynamic devices (toilet seats on the trunk lid) and the number 2, the Craptation will be out there waving the Chevrolet flag, right next to UDMan's '63 Corvair sedan. Do any other teams even have a shot at the Index Of Effluency? We'll see!

Here's what Craptation captain Jerry has to say about his team's race car:

The car: a daily driver last state inspected in 2006, this beast sat in a neighbor's front yard for sale for a few weeks. Each time I drove by, I wondered about it. it was so damned ugly no one would WANT it, especially not for street use. So I inquired, and it was all there—-V6, four speed, it started—-intermittently. I lowballed the guy with a $300 offer and he took it instantly. Guess I overpaid. Here's what it looked like then:
So we auotcrossed the car in November. On it's maidenm voyage, it was clear something was amiss with the suspension, but worse still, Rob, a Schumacher teammate, rode with and was upended when the passenger seat decided to break loose from the floor. Amid his laughter, all I could say to him after the run was "You broke my seat!"
The shock change and cutting of the springs helped a little , but it still has this incredible rear suspension setup.
The heater core came out with a BFH, but left this gigantic 18 inch hole in the firewall. Not to worry, we had a 1964 Rover door ready to give its life. So it was cut up and screwed in.
And the smog pump left the bay as well. It left a tube feeding into the exhaust which we quickly filled with a tree branch. Seemed to fit and it was free!
Now to solve why it's running so poorly. We pulled a plug wire and found wet plugs. hmmm. After some serious head scratching, we siphoned this out of the gas tank! In total we had over a gallon of water in there! ugh.
We raced the car again, and what a crowd gathered! This is a sexy beast! It still handles like crap, only now each time you unspring a side and then reload it, the spring makes a gawd awful BANG! Perfect for LeMons racing!
Theme. Why not run with the Craptation theme! We got number 2, and we are in process of adding the rolling portapottie features. The spare tire well makes an excellent reservoir for waste. Rob and I are demonstrating.
We still have work to do, on the beast. We've campaigned a number of cars in LeMons racing, but this was a new direction for us. We KNOW this car embodies the spirit of LeMons racing. A poor, orphaned American crapbox with no other possibilities of leading a useful life. We can't wait to bring it to Stafford.

The only problem with these two fine European racin' machines (aside from the primitive suspensions, questionable build quality, and flaky wiring) is really the lack of engine power; the Opel GT's US-spec 1900 managed 83 horsepower, giving it bragging rights over the 78.5-horse MGB. But now we hear (courtesy of LeMons insider TheEastBayKid) that the Opular Dependence Opel has a GM 4.3 engine and 5-speed installed. According to the team, the car was someone else's unfinished project and came that way… and that the costs come out well under 500 bucks. We'll see about that when it comes time for LeMons Supreme Court Justices Lieberman and Martin to inspect their documentation, but what we're really wondering about is whether there's time for the Team Frogmasters guys to grab a junkyard Toyota A engine and stuff it in their MGB-GT. Here's what the Opular Dependence spokesman has to say:

As far as a bio on the car, i keep hearing in my head START WITH A RUNNING CAR. This was a guys project he never finished all the parts were there but NOTHING was finished. It is a 1972 Opel GT with a 80s gm 4.3 v6 and a 5 speed tranny. The motor and tranny were installed when we bought it, but that was it. I have spent the last 5 weeks putting it all together. Now here we are 2 days from test day and its done. We paid $350.00 for the project and were actually able to sell about $325.00 of the factory parts that we removed (door panels interior parts the original motor and lenses and lights thanks to Ebay). So the electric fan and other things we needed we could buy and still be under budget. It should be a blast to drive if she holds together long enough.

Wait, there's more! The guys from Team Unintended Acceleration saw the Opular Dependence Opel at the track recently and sent in some photos and videos for us:

LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman couldn't wait for the team website URLs, so he got the scoop over his erstwhile employer, but I wanted to get more info about the Index Of Effluency Kings before dropping this bombshell: an Opel GT and an MGB-GT have been signed up for the race! Sadly, both teams are operating under the radar- no doubt because they're cheating like crazy- and I can't get any details on how they plan to totally dominate this race. LeMons Texas, as you may recall, tends to be heavy on the Mustangs and Camaros, though the usual hurricane-flooded BMW suspects are out in full force as well. Here's the complete-as-LeMons-HQ-can-make-it team list, as well as an Opel-vs-MG poll for you Effluence Handicappers; I've got a fair amount of time behind the wheel of both MGBs and Opel GTs, so I can say they're both hopelessly underpowered, ill-handling, unreliable heaps excellent race cars!

2nd Gear Racing: 1992 Pontiac Grand Prix
Apex Vinyl TX Racing: 1978 Toyota Pickup
Bangers and Mash: 1986 Honda Prelude
Beermer: 1976 BMW 2002
Bio-Hazard Racing: 1995 Ford Ranger XLT
Boehm Racing: 1987 Saab 900S
Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator: 1986 Nissan 200SX
Bubba Drift: 1992 Nissan 240SX
Charlie's Ugly Angels: 1976 Ford Mustang II
Cupcake Racing: 1988 Ford Thunderchicken
Def Leppard Still Sucks: 1986 Ford Mustang
Delinquent Road Hazards: 1993 Acura Integra
Detroit Bailout: 1987 Toyota Supra
Doggie Style Racing: 1985 Toyota MR2
Dukes of Hiroshima: 1993 Nissan Sentra SE-R
Dyin' Tryin'
El Toro Loco
eLemonators: 1992 Toyota Celica
Evel Kweasels: 1982 Toyota Corolla
Flying Asses: 1994 Mazda Miata
Flying Hoondee: 1987 Merkur XR4Ti
Formula M: 1984 Ford Mustang
Four Jerks and a Squirt: 1990 Pontiac Camfirerobird
Frogmasters: 1972 MGB-GT
FUBAR Racing: 1998 Ford Escort
Geargrinders: 1988 Chevrolet Monte Carlo
Gold Member: 1987 Toyota MR2
Green Hornet Bimmer Racing: 1995 BMW 318i
Griswold Racing: 1979 Ford Pinto wagon
Guano by Desmodus Rufus: 1984 Mazda RX-7 GSL-SE
Guild of Calamitous Intent: 1987 Mazda RX-7
Half-Assed Safety Fast: 1991 Infiniti Q45
Junk Punch Racing: 1990 Ford Mustang
Lemoncello Racing: 1986 Honda Quaalude
LeMons Racing Experiment (LRE): 1973 Datsun 240Z
Longhorn Raceworks: 1992 Toyota Celica
Los Cucaroches: 1986 Ford Mustang
Los Diablos Racing Team: 1974 Chevrolet Camaro
Lost in the Dark: 1989 Mazda MX6
Low Budget Racing: 1979 Datsun 280ZX
Margarita: 1996 Dodge Neon
Medically Challenged: 1991 Mitsubishi 3000GT
Mustank Racing LLC, POS: 1985 Ford Mustang
Never Give Up: 1971 BMW 1600-2
Norwegian Slaabs - Part Två: 1982 Saab 900
One Point Twenty One Jiggawatts!: 1980 Mazda RX7
Opular Dependence: 1972 Opel GT
Out of Town Racing: 1986 BMW 325es
Polizei und Banditen: 1986 BMW 325e
Prison Break Racing: 1986 BMW 325
Project Yellow Racing: 1986 Honda CRX
Punisher Racing: 1995 Chevy Caprice wagon
Purple Pin Pall Lefty: 1996 Dodge Neon
Purple Pin Ball Righty: 1997 Plymouth Neon
Pwnage Racing: 1988 Mazda RX-7
Race Hard Race Uglier: 1987 BMW 325i
Race Hard Race Ugly: BMW 325i
Rear Impact: 1991 Mazda Miata
Rebel Z: 1982 Datsun 280ZX
Red Pig Racing: 1994 Mazda Miata
Rotorheads: 1983 Mazda RX-7
Rum Runners: 1980 Chevy Malibu Classic
Saabs Gone Wild: 1987 Saab 900 Turbo
Scuderia Scooter Trash: 1987 Alfa Romeo Milano
Scuderia Suino Rosso: 1991 Mazda Miata
Shake and Bake 4-Cylinder Mustang Mafia: 1991 Ford Mustang:
Sheila and the Sheiks: 1985 Ford Mustang
Smilin' Bob Racing Team: 1995 Honda Accord
State Pooper: 1989 Ford Mustang
Stiff Competition : 1984 Mazda RX-7
Stop, Drop, and RickRoll: 1985 BMW 325e
Team Blue Goose: 1985 Honda CRX
Team Fat Cat Racing: 1991 Jaguar XJ6
Team Kachow: 1990 Eagle Talon
Team Lemonade: 1991 Toyota Celica
Team Mazdarati Corse GTA: 1992 Mazda Protégé:
Team Screwdriver: 1979 Pontiac Bonnelinabird:
Team Sour Puss: 1991 Acura Integra
Team Supraleggera: 1983 Toyota Supra
Team Zip Tie: 1992 Ford Taurus SHO
Tetanus Neon: 1995 Dodge Neon
The Cajun Coonasses: 1995 Saturn SL2
The Ghostbusters: 1987 Toyota Corolla FX16 GT-S
The Smoking Eunuchs: 1990 Ford Mustang
TnT Racing: 1989 Volkswagen Golf
Toxic Asset Racing Program: 1986 Toyota MR2
TSOL: 1992 Saab 9000
Unintended Acceleration: 1990 Audi 90 Quattro
Viva Las Vegas: 1990 Honda CRX
Warthog Racing: 1985 BMW 325e
White Lightning Racing: 1982 Toyota Celica GT
Witchdoctor Motorsports/bikiniracer.com: 1987 Chevrolet Camaro
Z-Wrecks: 1982 Datsun 280ZX
Zebra Razing: 1985 Toyota Truck

Yes, yes, we know that this team wasn't even in the Index Of Effluency You Guess The Laps Pool, but their performance at the 2008 24 Hours Of LeMons Arse Freeze-A-Palooza was nothing short of miraculous. This is the team that rolled their B210 into a ball at the 2007 Arse Freeze-A-Palooza, going end-over-end what seemed like about 50 times and convincing Chief Perp Jay Lamm that perhaps night racing with $500 cars at an unlighted track wasn't such a great idea after all. As you can see in LeMons Supreme Court Justice Loverman's photo above, the results weren't pretty.


After they dragged the Datsun's carcass back to the B210 Racing pit, the team found a butter knife sitting on top of the alternator. How? Why? Weirdest damn thing.


So, of course they had to use that knife as their hood ornament on the replacement car- which is a '77 Honey Bee with the engine out of the wrecked B210- and apparently its juju was all good; the team came in a stunning 13th place overall in the lap-total standings, knocking out 212 laps (plus an additional 10 bonus laps awarded to them during the BS Inspection). Be sure to check out the team website when you're done here, and then go check out Señor Lavrinc's LeMons coverage over at Autoblog. Congratulations, B210 racing!

Thanks to the Mad Science Boyz and Mad Science Sr for many of these photos!