Suitability Parameters:
Speed Merchants: No
Fashion Victims: Yes
Treehuggers: Yes
Mack Daddies: No
Tuner Crowd: No
Hairdressers: Yes
Penny Pinchers: No
Euro Snobs: No
Working Stiffs: No
Technogeeks: No
Poseurs: Yes
Soccer Moms: Yes
Nascar Dads: No
Golfing Grandparents: Yes

Also Consider:
• Toyota Highlander Hybrid
• Toyota Prius
• Lexus RX400h
• Chevy Tahoe Hybrid
• Saturn VUE Green Line
• Visiting New Orleans to help rebuild houses for lower-middle-class white people

Vitals:
• Manufacturer: Mercury
• Model tested: Mariner Hybrid
• Model year: 2008
• Base Price: $25,765
• Price as Tested: $31,000
• Engine type: 2.3-Liter I4 Electric Hybrid
• Horsepower: 133 (gas) + 94 (electric)
• Torque: 152lb/ft @ 4,250 RPM
• Transmission: Electronic CVT
• Curb Weight: 3,638 lbs
• LxWxH: 174.7" x 71.1" x 68.0"
• Wheelbase: 103.1"
• Tires: P235/70R16
• Drive type: FWD
• 0 - 60 mph: 10.7 Seconds
• 1/4-mile: 17.8 seconds
• EPA Fuel economy city/highway: 34/30
* Jalopnik Average: 26.1
• NHTSA crash test rating: N/A

Also see:

• 2008 Mercury Mariner Hybrid, Part One
• 2008 Mercury Mariner Hybrid, Part Two

Acceleration:**
You would think that with two propulsion sources this thing would get going a little faster. You'd be wrong. Though acceleration is on par with the V6 model, it's a complete crapshoot on anything but a clean start, thanks to the E-CVT transmission that never manages to predict what you want.

Braking:*
The line about regenerative braking is always "stopping helps you go." More like "stopping helps you go insane." Ignoring the serious effort it takes to slow the thing down, once you do start to stop there's an annoying dull click as you let off the brakes. This isn't to say they're so bad that you'll run over anyone, but the feel is all wrong.

Ride:***
The ride is remarkably smooth for what's supposed to be an SUV. Aware that no one with sense will be taking it off road, the Mariner's suspension is tuned to absorb every pothole and hobo with nary a bump.

Handling:**
Like a girl who offers you sex out of pity, it'll do what you want it to do but in the least enjoyable and most perfunctory way possible. But unlike pity sex, you're not going to brag about driving the Mariner to your friends afterwards.

Gearbox:*
As mentioned above, the continuously variable transmission is less a gearbox and more a complicated way to suck just that much more fun out of driving.

Audio:***
Like the 2008 Ford F-350 SuperDuty, the Mariner features the six-speakers-and-a-subwoofer Audiophile system. Unlike the F-350, the Mariner is so quiet that it is possible to hear your music. Using the standard audio input jack I was able to listen to my iPod through the system as I cruised for Etruscan pottery. The only thing this system is missing is thumb controls for the audio, something a car in this price range needs badly.

Toys:****
In addition to backup sensors, touch screen navigation system and one-touch moonroof, this is a hybrid. Though it doesn't get earth-shattering gas mileage, the hyrbid system is basically one big toy and with the navigation screen you get to watch as power is routed between the engine, motor and wheels. There's also a full 110v electrical output for keeping your iPod charged.

Value:*
When all is said and done, I can't imagine putting down nearly $10,000 over the base price of $21,300 for what is still a Ford Escape. By the time you get around to making up the difference in cost you'll have already sold it or set it on fire for the insurance money.

Overall: **
The Mariner Hybrid is nothing to write home about. You could drive hundreds of miles without realizing that you've been driving at all because little about the car is so offensive or so outstanding as to deserve any notice. There's probably a market for that, but we're not in it.

Also see:

• 2008 Mercury Mariner Hybrid, Part One

I've got to think about something while driving because the Mariner practically drives itself, leaving me free to remark aloud to my passengers about the possibility of converting a large closet to a "coffee and tea nook." Those words actually came out of my mouth: "coffee and tea nook." I'd like to contend that I'm a victim of geography, living in the über gentrified Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago, putting me within a five-minute walk of a specialty cheese shop, an all-independent theatre and a place that sells only cupcakes.

But no one put a gun to my head and said "you're gonna live in a post-war mid-rise apartment building across the street from a kitschy Korean fried chicken place or else." People in my neighborhood don't carry guns. They carry lattes and keys to their Mercury Mariner Hybrids. Seriously. There are at least half-a-dozen of these around, in addition to the hybridized Escapes, Highlanders and Prii.

And I can see why. If you don't like driving but need a vehicle and you're a graduate of the Rhode Island School of Design, the Mariner isn't a bad choice. Especially if you care about the environment enough to spend a lot of money to get gas mileage that isn't much better than the stock four-cylinder version. People go a bit far in mocking the smugness of hybrid drivers, but it is hard to argue that this car is doing more for the environment than the people taking a bus or a train to work.

The Mariner is also quite adept at filling all basic yuppie needs. Assuming you live in an urban area (thus the 'u'), the Mariner's backup sensor and small wheelbase combine to make an SUV that is exceedingly easy to parallel park. This was helpful when I had to pull up to the Paint Your Own Pottery place off Lincoln Ave to pick up the mug I had painted a couple of weeks before.

Smooth enough to keep my painted pottery and white truffle oil tofu pizza intact.

There's also the advantage of having an SUV that neither looks nor performs like an SUV. The chrome-toothed grille and mascara'd headlamps femme out any traces of masculinity found on the Escape, but the easy-open hatch and reasonably sized cargo area swallowed a load of organic groceries with ease. The suspension is tuned to absorb the abundant bumps and potholes of the urban environment perfectly, as well as tuning out all of the driving experience.

Unlike the beefier SUV offerings from other automakers, the Mariner Hybrid is a full hybrid with a system similar to the Toyota Prius. This means that it can run under the power of its 94 horsepower electric motor, 133 horsepower 2.3-liter four banger, or a combination of both. In slow city driving this isn't so bad as it is quiet enough to listen to The Buena Vista Social Club on your iPod without the threat of engine noise. Anywhere else the engine and motor switching on-and-off is unnecessarily noisy.

Power is also created through regenerative braking, whereby all the energy needed to get the brake pedal to work is transferred magically to the battery. If you like the feel of brakes that clamp down confidently, look elsewhere. In fact, if you like driving at all, look elsewhere. The stone-colored leather interior with the dual climate control is a reasonably comfortable place to hang out while passing the time between your studio apartment and a screening of a newly cut version of Fritz Lang's Metropolis at the Museum of Contemporary Art. But it's not a good place for someone who enjoys the time between point A and B as much as point A or B.

And that's me. I may have traded some of the punk rock edge I'd once felt was important for a pair of comfortable loafers and a swish looking jacket from Banana Republic, but I haven't lost my passion for driving. That feeling you get when you sit behind the wheel of a new vehicle and set out on the open road. A feeling that is wholly absent in the urban accessory that is the Mariner Hybrid.