<![CDATA[Jalopnik: houston]]> http://tags.jalopnik.com/assets/base/img/thumbs140x140/jalopnik.com.png <![CDATA[Jalopnik: houston]]> http://jalopnik.com/tag/houston http://jalopnik.com/tag/houston <![CDATA[The Top 123 Lemons Of The 24 Hours Of LeMons Texas Fall 2009]]> LeMons race #20 took place last weekend, and we saw a BMW win for the third time. That brings BMW closer to Mazda's and Toyota's five LeMons wins apiece. Let's go check out the other 122 cars now!

We had our first-ever British Leyland Index Of Effluency winner (the Mr. Bean 1962 Austin Mini was built prior to the British Leyland era) and the newest entry in LeMons history (2005). It was one of the cleanest races yet, at least in terms of cars bashing into each other, though we did have one of the highest black-flag totals in LeMons history; not quite up to Thunderhill or Buttonwillow levels, but close. We saw three different air-cooled Volkswagens (two of which were kaput fairly early), a Fiat Brava, and the usual Texas-style hordes of Mustangs, BMW E30s, and Nissan Zs.

Thanks to Nick Pon aka TheEastBayKid and RoadRunner for photographic help. Additional thanks to Team Tetanus Neon for letting me bolt the BumperCam to their car's C pillar.

Not enough LeMons action for you? Check out the top lemons of past races: Altamont '07Arse Freeze '07Altamont '08Ohio '08New England '08South '08Texas '08Arse Freeze '08Texas Spring '09South Spring '09Reno '09New Orleans '09New England '09Buttonwillow '09South Fall '09Ohio '09

1. Race Hard Race Ugly Soot, BMW 325iS
Overall Winner
Best Lap: 2:01.289

2. GT $500 Racing, Toyota Celica
Winner, Class Good
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:05.539

3. Speed Racer, Y'all, Saturn SC2
Winner, Class Bad
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank Award
Best Lap: 2:05.731

4. Johansson Brothers- Flying Monkey Racing, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:09.378

5. Race Hard Race Uglier HDGB.com, BMW 325iS
Best Lap: 2:03.139

6. Team JB Weld, Pontiac Grand Prix
Best Lap: 2:01.699

7. WARTHOG RACING, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:04.248

8. Guano By Desmodus Rufus Dump #2, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:06.963

9. Sheila and the Sheiks, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:05.590

10. Swine Flew Raycing, Infiniti J30
Best Lap: 2:09.733

11. Prancing Donkey, Acura Integra
Quickest lap of race
Best Lap: 1:57.750

12. Schrödinger's Crapbox, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:07.175

13. Team Blue Goose 2, Volkswagen Rabbit
Best Lap: 2:04.062

14. FUBAR Racing, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:05.099

15. Unintended Acceleration- Audi, Audi 90 Quattro
Best Lap: 2:06.188

16. Live Oak Nudist Resort II, BMW 320i
Winner, Highest Placing 70s Contender award
Best Lap: 2:12.873

17. Rolling Chicane Racing, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:09.465

18. Team Flying Wrench, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:11.148

19. Rum Runners, Chevrolet Malibu
Winner, Grassroots Motorsports Most From The Least Award
Best Lap: 2:17.768

20. Polizei und Banditen, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 30
Best Lap: 2:04.301

21. Team Festivus, Ford Festiva
Best Lap: 2:17.368

22. Los Cucaroches, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 1:59.981

23. Piranha Racing, BMW 325e
Winner, Best Pit Party Animals award
Best Lap: 2:12.916

24. Inglorious Bastards Racing, Datsun 240Z
Best Lap: 2:05.333

25. Red Rocket Ratnest Revival, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:00.788

26. Property Devaluation Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.995

27. Normal Y Ass Parade D, Toyota Paseo
Best Lap: 2:09.792

28. Apex Vinyl Driving then Drinking, Isuzu Impulse
Best Lap: 2:10.976

29. Junk Punch Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:18.873

30. I GOTTA P, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:13.692

31. Tetanus Neon, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:08.354

32. Team Screwdriver, Nissan Sentra
Best Lap: 2:16.439

33. Dirty Some Beaches, Honda Civic Wag-O-Van
Best Lap: 2:13.974

34. Rust Pirate Racing, Chevrolet Camaro
Winner, Class Ugly
Best Lap: 2:09.471

35. Team Israel, Opel GT
Best Lap: 2:03.594

36. BikiniRacer.com's Men Of LeMons, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:08.879

37. Ritual Killing Motorsports, Nissan 200SX
Best Lap: 2:14.425

38. Speed Racer & The Racing Rednex, Ford Mustang
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology award
Best Lap: 2:12.208

39. 800-2B-Petty
Best Lap: 2:09.459

40. Team Mazdarati, Mazda Protege
Best Lap: 2:15.833

41. TSOL- Totally SHIT OUTTA LUCK, Saab 9000
Winner, Über-Recidivist award
Best Lap: 2:09.775

42. Team Sour Puss, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:08.299

43. Team Iron Butt Racing, Toyota Supra
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:06.224

44. Kung Fu and the Fu King Racers, Toyota Paseo
Best Lap: 2:10.359

45. Secret Society of Skanks and Bitches, BMW 5 Series
Best Lap: 2:14.647

46. Black Knight Racing: It's Just a Flesh Wound, Triumph TR7
Winner, Index Of Effluency
Best Lap: 2:08.014

47. Longhorn Raceworks, Toyota Celica
Best Lap: 2:04.664

48. Dogged Racing, Ford Probe
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:06.479

49. TnT Racing, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 2:03.506

50. Revolutionary Racing, BMW E36
BS Penalty laps: 48
Best Lap: 2:05.414

51. Lost In The Dark, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:07.855

52. MJ-HAGBROS
Best Lap: 2:06.908

53. State Pooper, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.402

54. Never Give Up, BMW 1602
Best Lap: 2:05.721

55. Starsky and Hooch, Nissan Sentra SE-R
Best Lap: 2:05.936

56. Brass Burro Racing, Ford Mustang II
Best Lap: 2:05.161

57. Cupcake Racing, Ford Thunderbird
Best Lap: 2:16.851

58. Prison Break Racing, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:23.060

59. The UNDERGROUND, Nissan 300ZX Turbo
Best Lap: 2:05.335

60. Guild Of Calamitous Intent, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:08.561

61. Team Miagra, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:06.547

62. LBB Racing Presents: Magnum P.O.S., Nissan 240SX
Best Lap: 2:12.451

63. Airwolf Neon, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:04.791

64. Broner Motorsports, Ford Probe
Best Lap: 2:17.897

65. Academics Drives Dreams, Geo Prizm
Best Lap: 2:10.136

66. Ghetto Motorsports, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:02.681

67. El Toro Loco, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:04.013

68. RustBucketRacers, Chevrolet Cavalier
Best Lap: 2:17.530

69. Hondookie, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:10.924

70. Team NAFTA, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:11.698

71. Stick Pony Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:07.586

72. Mostly Harmless Racing, Volkswagen Karmann Ghia
Winner, Organizer's Choice
Best Lap: 2:19.192

73. NSF Racing, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:27.955

74. TDH Old School, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:10.388

75. Jewish Defense League BMW, BMW 2002
Best Lap: 2:17.391

76. Team Heffer-Weizen, Volkswagen Scirocco
Best Lap: 2:16.513

77. Team Sensory Assault, Mazda RX-7
Winner, Judges' Choice award
Best Lap: 2:06.731

78. Fat Bastard Racing, Datsun 260Z
Best Lap: 2:15.862

79. HAR-HAR Racing, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.361

80. Kentucky Fried Racing, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:19.524

81. Poage Ma Thoin Racing, Fiat Brava
Winner, "What's This? Do I Need One?" award (rear-view mirror)
Best Lap: 2:23.435

82. TiredBird Racing, Pontiac Firebird
Best Lap: 2:05.019

83. The SCHWING Team, Toyota Corolla FX16
Best Lap: 2:06.678

84. They Ain't Right Racing, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.920

85. Nickels Or Nothing, Toyota 240Z
Best Lap: 2:05.255

86. Gideons Gone Wild (GGW) Racing, BMW 318i
BS Penalty laps: 47
Best Lap: 2:04.900

87. Hoosier Daddy, Mitsubishi Galant
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:13.636

88. Advance Team, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:11.316

89. Pucker Factor Racing, Nissan Sentra SE-R
BS Penalty laps: 25
Best Lap: 2:06.220

90. Out Of Town Racing, BMW 325eS
Best Lap: 2:03.458

91. Live Oak Nudist Resort Inc, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:00.816

92. Shake and Bake (Dennit Racing), Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.982

93. Organic Z, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:05.620

94. Property Devaluation Racing II
Winner, I Got Screwed award
Best Lap: 2:05.611

95. Team ROADKILL, Volkswagen Fastback
Best Lap: 2:19.408

96. Little Buckaroo, Volkswagen Beetle
Best Lap: 2:31.247

97. Team Zip Tie, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:02.922

98. FROGMASTERS, MGB-GT
Best Lap: 2:09.586

99. WT Motorsports, BMW 535i
Best Lap: 2:30.431

100. Team Kachow, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:04.807

101. Weezer Racing, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:13.214

102. The Bastardos de LeMons, Lincoln Mark VIII
Best Lap: 2:07.603

103. Team Blue Goose I
Best Lap: 2:03.904

104. Turd Burglars, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.219

105. Team Supraleggara, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:16.111

106. Team RSC, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:31.034

107. Ludicrous Speed!, Volkswagen Jetta
BS Penalty laps: 80
Best Lap: 2:10.349

108. Der Hoff, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:18.767

109. SnafuRacing's Fancy Lawnmower, Plymouth Neon
Best Lap: 2:13.991

110. Alamo City Rollers, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 17
Best Lap: 2:16.556

111. Shrimp Boots, BMW 325i
Winner, Best Pit Party Animals award
Best Lap: 2:21.434

112. Substandard Racing, AMC Gremlin
Best Lap: 3:13.321

113. Tobacco Advocacy Racing Program, Toyota MR2
Winner, Heroic Fix
Best Lap: 2:36.643

114. MustangIInicorn, Ford Mustang Cobra II
Best Lap: 2:28.977

115. Red or Green, Mitsubishi Eclipse
Best Lap: 2:23.094

116. The Whip-Its, Nissan 280ZX
Best Lap: 3:01.645

117. Team Clunker (Stimulus wuz denied), Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:56.444

118. Apex Vinyl TX Racing, Toyota Hilux
Best Lap: NA (didn't finish first lap)

119. Bayou Degradable, Ford Pinto
Best Lap: NA (didn't finish first lap)

120. Hooters Dirty South Racing Team, BMW 535i
BS Penalty laps: 169
Best Lap: 2:05.310

121. Unintended Acceleration- Miata, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 500
Best Lap: 2:08.998

122. Union Jack Racing, Mini Cooper S
BS Penalty laps: 1066
Best Lap: 2:09.793

123. Flying Hyoondai, Merkur XR4Ti
BS Penalty laps: 2000
Best Lap: 2:07.082

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<![CDATA[John O'Quinn, Lawyer And Car Collector, Killed In Accident]]> John O'Quinn was famous both for his skill as a lawyer — securing $17.3 billion in a tobacco settlement — and his incredible car collection. He was killed this morning when he lost control of his Suburban and crashed.

The son of a garage owner and car enthusiast, O'Quinn never lost his interest in automobiles and automobila. His collection rivals almost anyone's and includes hundreds of famous and well-known cars including half-a-dozen Duesenbergs, one of JFK's Continental limos, a Batmobile, FDR's Packard Limo, and a Ford Escort once owned by Pope John Paul II.

On a personal note, I've met O'Quinn and know his friends and they remember him as a big, powerful, gregarious man. He seemed every bit the big Texan his giant frame projected. [Chron] (h/t to Zerin)

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<![CDATA[The Race Is On!]]> The green flag just dropped at the 2009 Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons, and a half-dozen cars have already conked out on the track.

In fact, several vehicles broke down during transponder testing, including a Pinto wagon, a "numbers matching" Mustang Cobra II, and the six-wheeled Toyota truck. We're sure they'll all be back in business... eventually. Check in later for a standings update!

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<![CDATA[Laughing Car Thief Steals Bait Car, Stops Laughing]]> The Houston Police Department has assembled a fleet of bait cars in the hope of capturing car thieves. At the very least, they've captured some hilarious video of robbers becoming victims of their own hubris.

The addition of audio recording makes these videos all the more enjoyable. There's the first individual, unable to stop laughing about how easy it was to steal the car... until he realizes why. Another individual calls a friend to brag about his good luck. Our favorite has to be the pair at the end with their promises of a police chase and "not going back to jail." Oh, and she claims to be pregnant. Classy!

Everyone seems to be smoking in this videos, which makes believe no one here is capable of making long-term decisions about their well-being. According to the police, they're a perfect 52-52 in arrests and convictions because it's hard to mount a defense when they have you on video calling someone to brag about stealing a car from inside a stolen car. Enjoy the video below.


[Houston Chronicle]

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<![CDATA[Turn Around Don't Drown: Houston Street Flooding Mega-Gallery]]> Torrential overnight rains soaked an already waterlogged Houston last night, leaving motorists stranded across the region. Firefighters have made numerous rescues as morning commuters unwittingly drove into the rain. Soak up our mega-gallery below.

Some parts of Houston experienced 8-to-10 inches of rain overnight, on top of rain from two weeks of severe storms. Zerin Dube, at Speed:Sport:Life, was trapped in his house this morning as his driveway filled with water.

Cars, trucks, vans, and even a few police cars are floating around underneath the highways. Most major interstates are above water, but drivers exiting managed to plow right into the flooded feeder roads. It's a good day to own a monster truck with a snorkel. You still look like a jerk, but you're a dry jerk.

Photo Credit: Dave77459 @ Flickr, BaldHeritic @ Flickr, KHOU.com, Countryboytravels @ Chron.com, JCWard22 @ Chron.com, SakarBhusal @ Chron.com

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<![CDATA[The 20 Most Traffic-Congested Cities In America]]> From New York to San Bernardino, drivers in America's cities live in their cars. Below we use Google Earth to take an in-depth look at the intersections of the nation's 20 most traffic-congested cities.

The good news is 2008 saw a major decrease in traffic, with drivers in the 100 largest metropolitan areas dealing with a 29% decrease in congestion on average. The bad news is we're seeing it because of an increase in gas prices, which led to less driving and more carpooling, and a decrease in jobs, which led to more people sitting on the couch hoping their unemployment doesn't run out so they can afford to keep their benefits. It's a vicious circle. Much like the pain we're seeing in these community-by-community breakdowns of the most congested intersections in these 20 most congested metro areas.


Click the images below to view traffic information on each city up close




1. Los Angeles
2. New York
3. Chicago
4. Dallas Fort Worth
5. Washington, D.C.
6. Houston
7. San Francisco
8. Boston
9. Seattle
10. Minneapolis-St. Paul
11. Philadelphia
12. Atlanta
13. Phoenix
14. Miami
15. San Diego
16. Denver
17. Baltimore
18. San Jose
19. Detroit
20. Riverside-San Bernardino

Though traffic does correlate to population rank, with the top four metropolitan areas also in the four worst cities for traffic, there are some anomalies. The Washington, D.C.-Arlington-Alexandria area is only the eighth most populous region in the country but is the fifth worst when it comes to traffic due to its high capacity of employment in the area and the lack of good housing stock for middle class families within "The Beltway" area.

Detroit is 11th largest in terms of population but only has the 19th worst traffic situation, primarily because of a 47% decrease in traffic year-over-year due to the economy and dramatic job loss. The collapse of the housing market hit Riverside-San Bernardino, a.k.a. the Inland Empire, hardest of all. The area saw a drop of 57% in traffic congestion, which is almost the same as the 55% drop in median home prices. While there's probably not a 1:1 ratio between the change in home values and congestion, they're likely connected.

Areas less affected by the housing market still experienced decreases in traffic, but at a lower level. For instance, home prices in Dallas remained stable and traffic congestion only decreased by 13% year-over-year, causing Dallas to move up to the fourth most congested city.

Los Angeles, New York City and Chicago are, as expected, still the worst cities for traffic in America. Los Angeles is so bad that peak hour congestion in Los Angeles is twice what it is in Chicago. The combination of a large population and low density makes L.A. even worse than the more populous New York. Compared to the Big Apple, Los Angeles also has fewer mass transit options.

Click on any of the cities above to see their current rank, population, congestion change and worst time of day for traffic. You can also view a gallery of the 100 worst intersections that fall within each city. A look at the hotspots reveal a few similar trends: intersecting highways, two-lane sections with onramps and merging lanes.

If you're reading this post it means you've actually made it home or made it to work. Congrats. There's probably someone still stuck in traffic.

[via Forbes, Google Earth]

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<![CDATA[The Top 95 Lemons Of The Gator-O-Rama 24 Hours Of LeMons]]> For the first time ever, Detroit iron dominated a 24 Hours Of LeMons event, with American-built machinery taking four of the top five positions (if you consider a California-built Corolla to be American-built, that is).

We saw plenty of the usual LeMons suspects at MSR in Houston last weekend, with 10 Mustangs, 6 RX-7s, 6 E30s, 4 CRXs, 4 Neons, and 4 Miatas showing up, but we also had our first-ever Infiniti Q45, a pair of Toyota pickups, an Opel GT, and an MGB-GT (which managed to get around the track startlingly quickly, in between lengthy jail sentences in the Penalty Box). In addition to Mustangs coming in first and second, we saw some other world-turned-topsy-turvy events. How about a LeMons race in which four Saabs enter… and all four are still running at the end? Sure, all the Saabs earned the new-for-Houston punishment for hitting tire walls and/or cones (old tires bolted to the car's roof), but they didn't throw rods or send major suspension components skittering off into the weeds in the first 30 minutes of the race! A four-banger Mustang finished second, a Saturn came in third, an 80s Dodge Daytona managed to contend, and the majority of BMW E30s raced for two solid days without exhibiting the usual maddeningly undiagnosable electrical woes (blown head gaskets and axle failures, certainly, but we didn't see the all-too-common cruel drama of E30 crew members weeping over multimeters and wiring diagrams).

This time I'm going to include each team's best lap time, so y'all can see for yourselves how "fast" does not equal "win" in the 24 Hours Of LeMons. Those of you contemplating horsepower-enhancing cheats would do well to note that the four-cylinder Mustangs performed just as well as their V8 siblings, and you Miata and E30 guys can go ahead and keep thumping your chests about those absurdly quick lap times… but remember, your favorite cars got stomped by a Saturn! Those of you wanting obsessively complete lap info can go here; keep in mind that a few cars may be showing too-low best lap times due to having taken what the corner workers dubbed the "Neon Bypass" (in honor of the oft-penalized Blueballs Neons) off-road shortcut around the chicanes.

Before you go check out our 95 Texas racin' machines, I've got a video that true 24 Hours Of LeMons fans ought to find quite entertaining. First, we've got one of the hairiest Integra-jumps-BMW-wheel bits ever caught on film, courtesy of the Unintended Acceleration Audi's in-car camera:


Zerin Dube, editor of Speed:Sport:Life volunteered for judging duties at the race, and he also did a good job covering the goings-on at his site. You'll enjoy the Penalty Box Punishments and the rest of the SSL race coverage.

Thanks to Zerin Dube, TheEastBayKid, Myke Toman, and a whole bunch of race team members for many of the photographs below.
When you're done here, be sure to check out the participants of previous LeMons events, including Arse Freeze '08, Texas '08, Toledo '08, New England '08, South '08, San Francisco '08, Arse Freeze '07, and San Francisco '07. I'll put up some more LeMons stuff when I get back to my normal weekend schedule, too. And now, the racers of the 2009 Gator-O-Rama:

1. Formula M For Mullet, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:18.320



2. Shake & Bake 4 Cyl Mustang, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:19.426



3. The Cajun Coonasses, Saturn SL2

Best lap: 1:19.061



4. The SCHWING Team, Toyota Corolla FX16

Best lap: 1.19.274



5. 1.21 Jigawatts, Mazda RX-7

Best lap: 1:20.402



6. Polizei Und Banditen, BMW 325e

Best lap: 1:16.843



7. MusTank Racing Inc, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:17.081



8. Detroit Bailout, Toyota Supra

Best lap: 1:24.508



9. Z-Wrecks, Datsun 280ZX

Best lap: 1:17.597



10. Low Budget Racing, Datsun 280ZX

Best lap: 1:21.403



11. A-Team, Dodge Daytona

Best lap: 1:27.085



12. Rear Impact, Mazda Miata

Best lap: 1:19.115



13. Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator, Nissan 200SX

Best lap: 1:23.493



14. Bio-Hazard Racing, Ford Ranger

Best lap: 1:21.335



15. Lemoncello Racing, Honda Civic

Best lap: 1:22.127



16. Race Hard Race Uglier, BMW 325i

Best lap: 1:19.467



17. Longhorn Raceworks, Toyota Celica

Best lap: 1:16.870



18. The Smoking Eunuchs, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:22.838



19. Never Give Up, BMW 1600

Best lap: 1:17.600



20. Stop, Drop, And Rickroll, BMW 325e

Best lap: 1:19.962



21. State Pooper, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:20.778



22. Half-Assed Safety Fast, Infiniti Q45

Best lap: 1:20.353



23. Medically Challenged, Mitsubishi 3000GT

Best lap: 1:22.250



24. Rum Runners, Chevrolet Malibu

Best lap: 1:26.272



25. TnT Racing, Volkswagen Golf

Best lap: 1:19.193



26. "Z" Team, Toyota Celica

Best lap: 1:18.956



27. Tetanus Neon, Dodge Neon

Best lap: 1:21.070



28. TSOL, Saab 9000 Turbo

Best lap: 1:21.428



29. Blueballs Racing (Righty), Dodge Neon

Best lap: 1:19.670



30. Warthog Racing, BMW 325e

Best lap: 1:20.383



31. White Lightning Racing, Toyota Celica

Best lap: 1:19.971



32. Apex Vinyl TX Racing, Toyota Truck

Best lap: 1:27.377



33. Smilin' Bob Racing, Honda Accord



34. Unintended Acceleration, Audi 90 Quattro

Best lap: 1:16.274



35. Pwnage Racing, Mazda RX-7

Best lap: 1:20.690



36. Sheila And The Sheikhs, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:17.657



37. Saabs Gone Wild, Saab 900

Best lap: 1:17.737



38. Doggie Style Racing, Toyota MR2

Best lap: 1:19.290



39. Scuderia Suino Rosso, Mazda Miata

Best lap: 1:14.182



40. Delinquent Road Hazards, Acura Integra

Best lap: 1:14.490



41. Boehm Racing, Saab 900

Best lap: 1:24.799



42. El Toro Loco, Ford Taurus SHO

Best lap: 1:19.013



43. Cupcake Racing, Ford Thunderbird

Best lap: 1:26.580



44. Team Zip Tie, Ford Taurus SHO

Best lap: 1:17.388



45. Evel Kweasels, Toyota Corolla

Best lap: 1:19.033



46. Norwegian Slaabs Part Två, Saab 900

Best lap: 1:25.900



47. Rebel Z, Datsun 280ZX

Best lap: 1:20.019



48. Team Supraleggara, Toyota Supra

Best lap: 1:21.582



49. Gold Member, Toyota MR2

Best lap: 1:17.750



50. Griswold Racing, Ford Pinto Wagon

Best lap: 1:30.032



51. Witchdoctor/Bikini Racer, Chevrolet Camaro

Best lap: 1:19.661



52. Junk Punch Racing, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:27.506



53. Out Of Town Racing, BMW 325eS

Best lap: 1:19.314



54. Charlie's Ugly Angels, Ford Mustang II

Best lap: 1:20.219



55. Punisher Racing, Chevrolet Caprice

Best lap: 1:17.766



56. Team Screwdriver, Pontiac Bonnelinabird

Best lap: 1:22.215



57. Flying Asses, Mazda Miata

Best lap: 1:19.828



58. Blueballs Racing (Lefty), Plymouth Neon

Best lap: 1:21.100



59. Four Jerks And A Squirt, Chevrolet/Pontiac Camfireobird

Best lap: 1:22.090



60. Guild Of Calamitous Intent, Mazda RX-7

Best lap: 1:20.715



61. Rotorheads, Mazda RX-7

Best lap: 1:16.657



62. Los Diablos Racing Team, Chevrolet Camaro

Best lap: 1:23.438



63. 2nd Gear Racing, Pontiac Grand Prix

Best lap: 1:21:323



64. Guano By Desmodus Rufus, Mazda RX-7 GSL-SE

Best lap: 1:22.457



65. Stiff Competition, Mazda RX-7

Best lap: 1:18.325



66. Frogmasters, MGB-GT

Best lap: 1:21.343



67. Los Cucaroches, Ford Mustang

Best lap: 1:20.409



68. Red Pig Racing, Mazda Miata

Best lap: 1:15.036



69. Team Fat Cat Racing, Jaguar XJ6

Best lap: 1:24.378



70. Enzo Dysfunction, BMW 318i

Best lap: 1:18.095



71. Dukes Of Hiroshima, Nissan Sentra SE-R

Best lap: 1:20.245



72. Fairlady Action Rspn Team, Datsun 240Z

Best lap: 1:18.313



73. Flying Hoondee, Merkur XR4Ti

Best lap: 1:21.392



74. FUBAR Racing, Ford Escort

Best lap: 1:29.523



75. Toxic Asset Racing Program, Toyota MR2

Best lap: 1:21.035



76. Dyin Tryin, Honda CRX

Best lap: 1:23.467



77. Opular Dependence Team Israel, Opel GT

Best lap: 1:21.448



78. Team Mazdarati Corse GTA, Mazda Protegé

Best lap: 1:22.456



79. Lost In The Dark, Mazda MX-6

Best lap: 1:26.399



80. eLemonators, Toyota Celica

Best lap: 1:24.492



81. Team Lemonade, Toyota Celica

Best lap: 1:23.608



82. Geargrinders, Chevrolet Monte Carlo

Best lap: 1:28.954



83. Margarita, Dodge Neon

Best lap: 1:20.456



84. Prison Break Racing, BMW 325

Best lap: 1:32.825



85. Team Blue Goose, Honda CRX

Best lap: 1:23.052



86. Bangers And Mash, Honda Prelude

Best lap: 1:34.356



87. Race Hard Race Ugly Soot, BMW 325i

Best lap: 1:20.153



88. Team Sour Puss, Acura Integra

Best lap: 1:23.363



89. Project Yellow Racing, Honda CRX

Best lap: 1:27.579



90. Zebra Razing, Toyota Truck

Best lap: 1:28.549



91. Alfa Dogs, Alfa Romeo Milano

Best lap: 1:24.638



92. Team Kachow, Eagle Talon

Best lap: 1:28.617



93. Beermer, BMW 2002

Best lap: 1:39.809



94. Def Leppard Still Sucks, Ford Mustang



95. Viva Las Vegas, Honda CRX

Best lap: 1:22.139







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<![CDATA[A Long, Long Day Of 24 Hours Of LeMons Inspections Is Over, More To Come Tomorrow]]> The last time the 24 Hours Of LeMons came to Texas, around 70 cars made it onto the track. This time the total comes to more like 100 cars, which means endless BS Inspections.

The judicial bribes reached an all-time high, as did the number of Mustangs and Saabs. In fact, this race draws so many Mustangs that a brand new award will be issued: the Mustang That Made Us Go "DANG!" Trophy. As for Index of Effluency, the Opel GT and MGB-GT are the clear leaders (along with a sucker-fan-equipped Toyota pickup; more on that fine machine later), but they still have to finish a respectable number of laps to stay in the running. I'm way too beat to go into any detail about the rest of what we saw, so here's a big gallery to give you an idea of the vehicles that will be racing in the morning. First, though, we have to finish inspecting the couple of dozen cars that, for whatever reason, didn't go through the inspection process on Friday.


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<![CDATA[The Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons Uber Gallery, Part I]]> Here's the first part of the Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons Über Gallery, featuring cars numbered 0 through 19. Go here for Part II and here for Part III.


#0: Formula M (As In Mullet), Ford Mustang
These guys (check out their site here, then their Flickr set of the race here) are definitely going down in history as the givers of the greatest bribe in LeMons history. First they put a high-quality shrimp cocktail on the judging table, and then they rolled up a huge grille to the judging area and served us Texas-grade bacon-wrapped filet mignon steaks. In addition, their car had by far the best Dangerous Banned Racing Technology device (a recent prize category that rewards sucker fans, active aerodynamic devices, spoilers connected directly to suspensions, etc) we've yet seen in a LeMons race: this electrically-activated air brake, which actually worked quite well at race speed and no doubt cut valuable microseconds off their lap times:

And, let's face it, these guys needed heavy-duty bribes and entertaining hardware on their car, because this car looked incredibly suspicious, so crooked that Boss Tweed would have felt right at home behind the wheel. But still, they'd obviously read The LeMons Cheaters' Guide, and they had a fairly plausible story about buying the car- complete with 347 stroker engine, by a stroke of good fortune- from some 12-toed yokel who just wanted it out of his yard. Some of their documentation smelled a little funny, but at least they tried, and so we took it easy on the lap penalties; as it turned out, they racked up the 2nd-fastest lap time of the race (1:15.982) and finished 10th overall. Read the team's insider account of their adventures here.



#1: Chuck Norris, Nissan 200SX
The Chuck Norris 200SX just glowed with Texas-style ass-kicking spirit, so naturally we had to hit it with our region-specific Mess With Texas penalty… twice. That penalty mandates that the miscreant swear on a Bible such truths as "Alaska is bigger than Texas," and "Kansas City has better steaks than Texas," and the Loverman even risked the wrath of Chuck Himself by spray-painting "ALASKA #1" across the hood.



#01: Big Easys Big Sleazys, Pontiac Firebird
Wait a second- is that a 4th-gen GM F-body in a 24 Hours of LeMons race? Cheaters! Cheaters! But hold on a second; not only did they bribe us really well, but they had exhaustive documentation to prove that their car was not only flooded by Katrina, it had spent more than a month under water. One look at the horrible barnacle-crap goo they had to drain out of the cooling system every few hours convinced us that $500 was a pretty believable price. The Big Sleazys were reasonably fast around the track, but frequent pit visits for flood-glop-removal plus multiple penalties (including the Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty horn, which we had to remove because the drivers liked it) held them to a 33rd-place finish.


#2: Blind Squirrel Racing Team, Honda CRX
The Blind Squirrels had a good 1:20.007 best lap time, but their 41st-place finish indicates that penalties and mechanical woes (the usual Honda head gasket problems, perhaps?) slowed them down.


#02: Darth Bimmer, BMW 2002
We really wanted to see this nightmare beater 2002- complete with custom-van-style Darth Vadar airbrush mural on the hood- do well on the track, but a cascade of mechanical failures (starting with a blown head gasket and going downhill from there) limited them to just two laps. Check out their website here.


#03: Puff-Puff-Pass, Honda Civic
It goes without saying that a Honda Civic covered in sparkly wrapping paper and equipped with a six-foot-long reefer on the roof is going to blow its head gasket, and such was the case with the Puff-Puff-Pass guys. But did they let that stop them? Uh, what was the question again? These guys- who were beloved by all for their good attitude and tie-dyed uniform shirts- managed to get by for most of Saturday by pitting for more water every time the steam stopped coming out of the tailpipe, but eventually they were reduced to blasting their engine with a fire extinguisher to cool it off… which won them the coveted Most Redneck Fix trophy.


#3: Monkey Put The Cork Back, Ford Tempo
This bunch had by far the shiniest paint job in the race; normally we'd have to beat some dents into such a car with a sledgehammer, but it's a Tempo! This car was slow but relentless and managed a totally respectable 32nd-place finish.


#4: Unintended Acceleration, Audi 90 Quattro
We became very familiar with the members of Team Unintended Acceleration in the penalty area, as they were such regular consumers of our special brand of justice. They got the Lexus Starter Removal Challenge, the Obama Change We Can Believe In, the Ozzy Horn, and most of the rest of our judicial arsenal, but they never whined, kept returning to the track, and managed a solid 25th-place finish. Check out their site here, then enjoy their video:



#04: The Spartans, Mazda RX-7
There were so many fast RX-7s on the track that we had a hard time telling them apart, once our senses had been shredded by a few hours of that maddening Wankel buzz on the track. The Spartans finished 12th, best ranking for an RX-7 in LeMons Texas, and their best lap time was a very good 1:19.475.


#05: Taco Inspection Team, Chevrolet Monte Carlo
We zapped these guys with the biggest BS Inspection lap penalty of the whole race: 77 laps. Sure, their Monte's V6 engine ensured that the car would be a dog on the track (best lap time: 1:25.291), but the Chevy was set up as an obvious enduro bruiser and the team had absolutely zilch paperwork proving anything about car costs. Sure, one of the Taco Inspection guys fed us a righteous fajita meal in the team motorhome later on, and they ended up blowing their transmission and finishing 61st, but sometimes LeMons justice must be stern.


#5: Lemonade, Toyota Celica
What do you get when your Toyota's electrical-system gremlins keep you up all night? 38th place. These guys never gave up, and their car was quick when running; let's hope we see the yellow Celica at a later race.


#6: Skidmark Racing, Toyota MR2
Its best lap of 1:20.151 shows that the Skidmark Racing MR2 was fast, and the team grabbed a nice 19th-place finish.


#06: Los Cucaroches, Ford Mustang
When you win the No Prayer Of Winning trophy and place sixth overall, you're running a very, very good race. Los Cucaroches had the highest-ranked Mustang (out of eight total) and a blazing 1:17.401 best lap time.


#07: Cajun Rice Burners, Datsun 280ZX
Why don't Datsun Zs do better in the 24 Hours of LeMons? Japanese build quality, strong engines, independent rear suspension, the works… yet they seldom show up in the Top Ten. The Cajun Rice Burners can't complain about their 16th-place finish, though, and their 1:19.456 best lap shows that the 280ZX has what it takes. Here's their website.


#7: Witchdoctor Motorsports/Bikini Racer, Chevrolet Camaro
This team was pretty much following the How To Win LeMons guidelines right down the line; 17 cars out of 72 turned in quicker lap times than their best 1:19.170, yet they finished second overall. You never saw the blue Camaro in the penalty box, and in fact you never much noticed it at all on the track. They would have finished first, but they pitted for a driver change so that Anna- who showed up to the BS Inspection in an outfit that was quite effective at getting us to overlook possible cheats- could be behind the wheel when the checkered flag dropped.


#8: Uber Balls Racing, Nissan 300ZX
We're not quite sure what happened to the Uber Balls 300ZX, but it spent quite a bit of time with the hood open and team members wielding the wrenches.


#08: Project Yellow Racing, Honda CRX
Another pretty quick CRX. 23rd place, 1:20.015 best lap. Team website.


#9: Molly Whopping Wankel, Mazda RX-7
These guys picked up some BS penalty laps- mostly because we're extra suspicious of RX-7s and their story wasn't so convincing- and then spent most of the race fighting fuel-system ills. Hey, they weren't lying about the car sitting for 15 years before they got it! This was especially frustrating for them, because their 1:17.772 best lap showed how much potential was in the car. They got a barnyard animal welded on the roof and a crumpled fender attached to the hood, but they were good sports and kept a-sloggin' to a 44th-place finish.


#09: Johansson Brothers Racing, Toyota Supra
We saw these guys at the Arse Freeze-Apalooza '07 race, where their engine blew up on the second day of racing. This time they came in 18th, and would have placed much higher if not for an onslaught of black flags from the extremely vigilant MSR track guys.


#10: Warthog Racing, BMW 325e
We've seen LeMons cars made to look like F-22s and Fokker triplanes, among other military aircraft, and now we've got one set up to look like an A-10 Warthog (with an actual A-10 pilot as one of the drivers). The Warthog's 1:18.039 best lap was very fast, and it stayed on the track consistently enough to get 8th place.


#11: The SCHWING Team, Toyota Corolla FX16
The winner! Read the Team SCHWING How To Win LeMons account, then scrutinize the team's site to learn a few pointers.


#12: 8NSK8, Honda Accord
Yes, you can get in the LeMons Top Ten in a car that's slower around the track than 25 other cars; this Accord finished an impressive 7th with a best lap time of 1:19.704 seconds.


#14: Never Give Up, BMW 1600
This BMW team's members lived up to their name by keeping their age- and rust-ravaged car out on the track for 306 laps, notching an awesomely fast 1:17.811 best lap time and placing 30th. Best of all, they took home the true top prize of the race (and a thousand bucks in nickels): Index Of Effluency!


#17: Svedish Slaabs, Saab 900
One thing I've learned about the 24 Hours Of LeMons is that Saabs always blow up. Oh, sure, a 900 Turbo placed 10th at Altamont, but otherwise: KABOOM! The Svedish Slaabs finished 48th in laps, but they took home the Fastest Swedish Car trophy and the Judges' Choice Award (for their amazing performance in the Obama Change We Can Believe In penalty. Read their story here.


#19: Pinto Slapped, Ford Mustang II
We loved this car. Everyone loved this car. A rusty-as-hell V8-powered Mustang II, complete with owner's manual ziptied to the rollbar? They had the ultimate ringer driver: MSR track manager Mike Mills, who later gave me and the Loverman rides in the Eddie Griffin Enzo, but the car wasn't quite ready in time and didn't spend much time on the track. While it was out there, however, it was one tire-squealing, drifting monster.


The Gawker server hamsters refuse to allow a single post with this much stuff, so I'm forced to break the Über Gallery into multiple parts.]]>
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<![CDATA[What Kind Of Cars Are Racing At The Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons?]]> Since I just haven't had time to get into detail about the overall field of cars we've got here at LeMons Texas, I'm going to be lazy efficient and put up a gallery of a sequence of photos I shot early on Saturday, showing 50 or so of the entrants heading into one of the favorite spinout turns at MSR. I'll do my best to keep y'all updated as the day progresses, so check in later on today.

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<![CDATA[EXCLUSIVE: Inside The Fall Of Bill Heard Chevrolet, The World's Largest Chevy Dealership]]> The recent collapse of Bill Heard Chevrolet, the largest chain of Chevy dealerships in the world, has left former customers with a slew of problems. I spent an afternoon outside the now barricaded entrance of Bill Heard Chevrolet in Ike-ravaged suburban Houston speaking with former customers left hanging in limbo for this exclusive story of the fall of Bill Heard's dealership empire.

Nothing Leaves
On any other Saturday at Bill Heard in Sugar Land, Texas, the dealership's main sales lot, one of the largest in the state, would be filled with salespeople and prospective buyers. This Saturday it's empty but for two armed security guards who claim they were hired by GM to make sure that "nothing leaves" the lot full of product. The two guards were out-of-state, called in to guard locations affected by the recent Hurricane Ike, and were reassigned to this shift last Thursday after the last dealership employees left.

A line of unsold trucks sitting unattended on the Bill Heard Chevrolet lot in Sugar Land, Texas.

Instead of protecting damaged banks and buildings along the Gulf Coast, the two guards are the only sources of information for customers driving up to the dealership looking for answers. There's not much the guards can tell people, other than the dealership is closed. For most people, it's just a matter of having to look elsewhere for a new car. But for others there are serious unresolved issues.

One man drove three hours from Corpus Christi with a check, expecting to pick up a truck for his son, sitting in the passenger seat. The resolution to that issue is fairly simple: they're going to have to try and get the same price somewhere else. Another man, a recent immigrant who only wanted to go by the name Eric, needs the license plates for the Chevy Express work van he recently purchased. There are numerous others in this exact predicament.

When Eric arrives at the dealership he pleads with the guard to let him inside to get his plates. The guard attempts to explain that he's sympathetic to the man's circumstances but there wouldn't be anyone there to help him even if he did go inside. Eric shows that he's paid for the van and then shows him the expired paper plates. To make maters worse, the maintenance light on the van has already illuminated, indicating that there could be a problem with it.

He's actually better off than some. Eric has ownership papers and should be able to get plates elsewhere. Those lacking those papers will have to go through other channels to get proof of ownership before they can go to the state to apply for permanent plates. Exacerbating the situation is the fact many people in the Houston area still don't have power and haven't seen the news that the dealership is closed. It isn't until they're stopped at the gate that they realize something is amiss.

Working Late To Help Customers?
Empty chairs, family photos and deflated balloons from the sudden closure and departure.

Inside the dealership's main offices it looks as though the entire showroom floor was frozen in time. Deflated balloons hang off of cubicle corners and showroom models. A loan application sits on a desk, unfinished. A framed picture of a family going down a roller coaster at Sea World hangs above an uncleared desk, one of many family photos that indicate the suddenness of the announcement.

If you're to believe one of the managers of this particular dealership, the employees stayed late into the night helping customers get their plates processed and out the door. Contradicting this is an article from Wednesday in the Houston Chronicle in which the operations manager of Bill Heard Sugar Land, Linda Patterson, claimed they were selling vehicles into the night and would continue to stay in business. But by the next morning it was announced they would be closing, possibly for good.

This leaves customers in the process of buying a car from the dealership, perhaps even ones sold cars on Wednesday night, without answers. This isn't unique to this one dealership. In Georgia, people are reporting unreturned deposits and cars locked in the company's shop.

A History Of Problems
An engine light shines in a truck recently purchased from Heard. The owner's paper plates are expired and he said no one let him know the dealership was closing.

The company claimed in a statement that "rising fuel prices, a product portfolio of mostly heavy trucks and sport utility vehicles, economic recession, unfavorable local market conditions for vehicle sales, the crisis in the banking and financing sectors, and other factors all combined to create a business environment in which the company simply did not have the resources needed to continue to operate." It would be hard to ignore, though, the many consumer issues the company has been famous for.

For the last few years, Bill Heard's dealerships generated numerous complaints for questionable business practices such as advertising cars they didn't have, selling lemons and sending out fake recall notices to attract customers. The online report from the Houston office of the Better Business Bureau includes numerous warnings, including this relevant passage:

The BBB worked in conjunction with Dateline NBC on an investigation of Bill Heard Chevrolet's advertising practices. It was alleged on film that this company did not have the cars in stock that they were advertising and that they immediately tried to sell a higher priced vehicle than the one advertised. Any time you make a purchase, it is best to comparison shop prior to making a purchase.

The Office of Consumer Affairs in Georgia issued 16 actions against Heard Enterprises in the past 15 years with total fines of approximately $280,000. There is at least one deceptive advertising case pending against Bill Heard, but the bankruptcy has thrown that into question.

What's Next?
A bankruptcy judge will have to determine what happens to the dealerships in the near future as filings show the company has between $500 million and $1 billion in assets and debts. Much of the money is owed to banks and various states in taxes. While other sources have pointed out the implications for the industry of this dealership failure, it isn't until you visit with customers on the ground that you realize how close to the consumer this failure is. In the meantime, customers who still have unresolved issues with Bill Heard will have to wait and see.

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<![CDATA[Nuts to You, Motorists! Tow Yards in Texas Not Refunding Money]]>

This crap makes our blood boil. We've been wrongfully towed, but due to lack of funds and time, we never pursued the issue. We were once rightfully towed as well, due to confusion about street signage. And we've been towed twice due to our vehicle being stolen. And let us tell you this: regardless of circumstances, it's a goddamn scam rife with collusion between municipalities and tow yards. A local Houston TV station dug into the corruption and found that despite court orders, tow yards aren't paying victims of wrongfully-towed vehicles. A new ordinance is in the works in the city saying that if tow yards don't pay illegally-towed citizens, their license could be revoked. What it should say is that the city is liable for the money owed.

Law Allows Wreckers To Take Cars, Money [Click2Houston]

Related:
Tigers to Tow Wilshire Parking Scofflaws [Internal]

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<![CDATA[Ford Launches 2007 Expedition at Houston Auto Show]]>
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Considering two in ten sales of Ford's Expedition come from Texas — and so not to distract from the company's environmentally friendly message at the Detroit show — Ford chose the Houston auto show to launch its newest large SUV late last week. Gaining much-needed cues from the latest F-Series pickups, the new Expedition gets similar upgrades as its Explorer did last year, including electronic rollover protection and six-speed transmission, plus an EL version that's long enough to compete with the Chevrolet Suburban. Ford's betting the market for truck-like SUVs will be decline slowly, with Texas likely being the last place it'll trail off.

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Check out the press release at American Car Fans

Related:
Spy Photos: 2007 Ford Expedition, Only Bigger [internal]

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