Jalopnik: Holiday Re-Gift Guide

Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: The Worst Car Gift Revealed

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 15:15:00 EST

We were shocked, absolutely shocked the fake sunroof lost out to both Fast & The Furious-merch and the Fake Spinners, the eventual winner with 28.1% of the vote at 287 votes out of more than 1,000 votes. There were also a few of you that shared our disdain for Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, though people generally could stand the car seats.

To quote AL_Beaton on why he chose the spinners: "like giving a rural relative a fur coat and a set of deer antlers, nothing says, "I sincerely wish to see you die in a hail of gunfire" like the gift of Fake Spinner Wheel Covers." It is a fair point. Keep your eyes here for gifts that car enthusiasts actually want.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: What's The Worst Auto-Related Gift?

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:00:00 EST

We've counted down the worst of the worst in car gifts, from well-meaning packages such as the crappy tool kit, to the outright abortion-of-a-gift that is the Chicken Soup book for people that like NASCAR. But which gift from the ten shown in our Black Friday-celebrating Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide would send you running back to the store? What gift would send you running for a gun? Basically...

Graphic by: Sherry Kraft

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Shatter Sports Decals

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:40:00 EST

Unless you're the first person ever to have one, the fake shatter sports decals with the baseball/puck/bass coming out of the window is perhaps the most white trash gift on the market. In fact, if you're the first person to put one on your car you can go straight to hell. We'd like to throw an actual baseball through the window of anyone with one of these on their cars.

It's even worse than the fake bullets or Calvin-peeing-on-logos decals because the driver with this on their car assumes they're clever and you'll recognize their wit when you drive by. This is the one gift on the list that, if you receive it, you have every right to throw it in the trash right in front of them (because where are you going to exchange it?). Thanks to SLRSpeedShop for reminding us of this shitty trend.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Fake Spinner Wheel Covers

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:20:00 EST

It's not a shock that we want the whole spinner rims phase to die a quick death and we therefore hope that the fake spinner wheel covers fad will hasten the overdue end of those vehicular eyesores. That being said, we never want to be part of hastening their demise by actually putting them on any of our cars.

I mean, they're maybe fun as a gag for 18 seconds, which is approximately the length of the video above. If you think they're actually cool, hip or classy then we think we've got a sunroof applicator you're absolutely going to love. Courtesy of POLAR, who is out looking for a set right now.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Chicken Soup For The NASCAR Soul

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:10:00 EST

Joke if you must, but NASCAR is a legitimate form of racing with a legitimate fan base. That being said, even the most enthusiastic NASCAR fan would be horrified by the folsky-wisdom and sickly saccharine sentiments contained within the pages of Chicken Soup For The NASCAR Soul. We feel bad even putting the picture on the site.

And if you're not a NASCAR fan this is maybe the most insulting gift you can get. We can't say it better than Yurikaze:

"I felt bad that I almost threw up when I opened it. I thought it was a gag gift, but it turns out it was my well-intentioned aunt, who believed that since I enjoy driving on roadcourses and competing in drift competitions, would gain advice from a book targeted at Nascar fans. It's one of those things where you want to thank someone for the gift so they don't feel bad, but at the same time feel like doing so would be raping your own morality the lie would be so big."

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Cheap Tool Kits

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:40:00 EST

Nothing says "Thanks Ma" like stripping the hell out of your wheel's lug nuts because you wanted to use a gift. These kits come in "all purpose" "auto specific" and "auto emergency" varieties and all come in a cheap plastic case. The thought is "Hey, this person loves tools, let's get 'em something big and heavy." That's a nice thought &mdash but what the hell is someone going to do with those cheap ass gloves?

If you're reading this and you want to give the grease monkey (maybe Dr.Danger) in your life something special, just get them one really nice tool from a well-regarded name in tools. One good tool is something that can be hung in the garage (or tossed on the floor) and will be regarded as a prized possession.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Car Seat Covers

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:20:00 EST

When you're gift shopping and your choices are between NOS-brand, sheepskin or floral just walk away. While you may be able to pull it off in an old beater or a car with stained seats, no one with a nice car is going to want to cover up their premium leather seats with Hawaiian Punch-colored faux-sheep's wool. It's just never going to happen.

Here's our advice if you're given one of these by someone you care about, because relationships shouldn't end over bad gifts. Burn your car. Burn it to the ground. Take the insurance and buy a new one. Or, you know, spill something on them. Whatever is easier for you. Just ask TR3-A.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Luxury Automaker Brand Clothing

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:00:00 EST

Nothing says "I'm a poser douchebag" faster than a Ferrari or BMW tie/t-shirt/hat. This is doubly true if you don't own a BMW or Ferrari. Real Ferrari owners don't drive around wearing $12.00 polyester shirts with big ass stallions on the front, they wear $5,000 pants. C'mon! You don't need to advertise when you're driving around in a Ferrari, the car kind of speaks for itself. You only need to advertise when you're driving around in a Tercel.

The one minor exception to this rule, and we hope Tocsin would agree, is a tee proudly proclaiming allegiance to a novelty car that you currently own. If you drive a Trabant, and someone tracks down a Trabant mechanic jumpsuit you're more than welcome to wear it.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: The Decano Fake Sunroof

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:40:00 EST

The Holiday Re-Gift Guide continues our anti-Black Friday assault with an aftermarket item you've seen on these pages once before. While faux-scoops and exhausts are the automotive equivalent of calf-implants, there's something especially insidious about a fake product that imitates no performance increase of any kind. Thus, we have no problem blacklisting the Decano fake moonroof applicator, despite the fact the site insists "A CAR WITH A SUNROOF LOOKS EXTREMELY GOOD!!!"

While it's true that certain cars look okay with a sunroof/moonroof, no car looks better with a piece of dark reflective plastic on the roof. Assuming you actually meet a girl that would be impressed by seeing that your rusty Aurora has a sunroof, what's she going to think when she gets inside? How long can you keep up the ruse? This monstrosity courtesy of JackIrish and the prince of darkness.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: The Tornado Air

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:20:00 EST

Probably our favorite piece of crap-technology is the Tornado air-filter thing. The results it promises are a little-less than fantastic, as you can achieve a 1 to 2 MPG increase by just assuring the proper tire pressure level. The basically-useless piece of metal works by creating "unique airflow dynamics" to "atomize" the fuel allowing "better flame propagation" and "making the fuel-economy faeries fly out of your exhaust."

It's also a good way for someone you care about to waste like $50-$70 on something that you'd never, ever put anywhere near your engine. But hey, they quote John 3:16 on their website so they must be legit! Thank DamnElantra! for helping to prevent this POS from ending up under your tree.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Embarrassing License Plate Frames

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:00:00 EST

There are few, if any, license plate frames that we'd ever consider putting on our whip, which is why MAD_SCIENCE rekindled our hate with his suggestion that license plate frames of any kind are basically objecta non grata in the car nut's stocking. There are so many land mines involved when making this kind of suggestion.

Maybe the selection is tacky ("Keep Honking, I'm Reloading") or inappropriate ("Princess on Board"), or representative of your college football rival ("Hook'Em"). Whatever the reason, prospective buyers should try and find something else this season.

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide: Fast and the Furious Merchandise

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 09:40:00 EST

We agree with SWATLAX, anything Fast and the Furious related is a major faux pas when purchased for anyone but the most hardcore ricer wannabe. And if there's a gift that's worse than FATF-themed merch, it's FATF-themed merch that comes in the form of a freaking book!.

We can just see the wee-drifter now, in his "Powered-by-VTEC" tshirt and footie pajama bottoms on Christmas Day, shredding the packaging: "Wow mom, it's a Fast And The Furious Official Car DVD.... uh... CD-ROM.... VHS... A book? Are you out of your freaking mind? A book about cars in a movie I'm going to pretend not to like in five years?"

The Jalopnik Holiday Re-Gift Guide

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 09:20:00 EST

This Black Friday we're getting by with a little help from our friends as we count down the top ten absolutely worst car-related gifts, as determined by our readers. At 1:00 PM (EST) we're going to run a poll and let you all decide what is the worst automotive gift of the year. Follow along with the chrome-plated, neon-colored fun by following this tag all day or hit the jump on this post as we show you all the non-hotness after it happens.