Our favorite thing about TVR: Jeremy Clarkson saying, "TVR Spetsnaz!" when musing on new names for the cars now that the company was under Russian ownership. And that's just because we always thought "Spetsnaz" was an especially badass word. We call part our special forces SEALs, fergodssake. They may be goat-humping badasses, but their name? Kinda fey. Not particularly manly. We were also once at a party with a SEAL who we were literally afraid was going to rape a friend of ours and break our neck. Even his own sister didn't like him. We could've used some Spetsnaz back then. Regardless, TVRs, although we've never driven one, strike us as not-especially-good cars. Some Spetsnaz could only help. Laverty seems to half-heartedly concur. And that, we suspect, is only because he's English.

Rubbish Cars We Love: TVR Tasmin - Sleeping Satellite [Hecklerspray]

Related:
Le Fucking Car! Yes! Hecklerspray on the Renault 5 Mk 1 [Internal]

Laverty, apparently, missed our usual Friday commentary on his beloved-of-tha-Jalop "Rubbish Cars We Love" story. So he e-mailed us. In our defense, Chris, we were on assignment, then we were taking a well-deserved four-day break from the computer, the likes of which hasn't been seen at this particular Jalop bureau since, um, uh, errr...1999? So now we're refreshed and back in action, have a couple of bits in the hopper, and Mr. Laverty's all up ons with a bit on our to-date favorite iteration of the OG hot hatch. Don't unpimp your auto. Ditch it and go find yourself a 2nd Gen GTI, after all, as the Lav points out, "By waiting around, you are already losing money."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Volkswagen Golf Mk 2 - Run Rabbit, Run [Hecklerspray]

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Huge Bigness: Hecklerspray on the Ford Granada Mk. 2 [Internal]

Back in 1987, our rich uncle bought a car to keep in Northern Ireland. He drove an Audi 100 Estate himself, but the long drive up to Scotland to catch the ferry over to Larne was wearing on him. So he picked up a used Granada and let our dad drive it while we were over visiting. On a trip down to Dublin, we ended up having to traverse the entire city. And Dad managed to scrape a double-decker, which led our cousins to yelp with glee, "Uncle Gordie hit a bus!"

Bear in mind that our dad's quite the cautious driver and isn't prone to accidents, nor does he have anything in particular against transit agencies in the Republic of Ireland. It's just that well, the Granada, by Irish standards, was huge. Add in crosstown Dublin traffic, and the task of driving the thing became akin to maneuvering the Bismarck in a washtub. Nevertheless, Laverty luvers him some Granada. Well, it was comfy...

Rubbish Cars We Love: Ford Granada Mk 2 Bigger, Fatter, Better

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Vauxhall Builds One for Brit Bro-Hams: Hecklerspray on the Vauxhall Calibra [Internal]

Vauxhall's not-so-worthy semi-successor to the chav-tastic Opel Manta, the Calibra, is the subject of Laverty's editorial love/hate this fine Saint Paddy's morn'. We're not wearing green today, which is funny, considering we're Irish and it's our favorite color, but there's nobody around to pinch us, anyway. But we've got a bottle of Perrier. Does that count? Laverty, on the other hand, pinches himself and says, "We are not categorical on how much we actually love the Vauxhall Calibra. We just know we re missing out on something special by hating it."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Vauxhall Calibra - Twist One For Skibadee [Hecklerspray]

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The Hunter in the Sky: Hecklerspray on the Ford Orion [Internal]

Laverty goes off on Ford's Orion, the line-filler between their Escort and the Sierra in Europe. And he doesn't have much love for the beastie, saying,"If we are not coming across as chuffed to bits with the Ford Orion, we apologise. If you drive one of these things and we have offended you by suggesting you can t afford to pay your own council tax, we also apologise." Of course, he also refers to the Focus as hip-crushingly dull, and we quite like that car.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Ford Orion Pull the Other One

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And Justys For All: Hecklerspray on Subaru s 4WD Econobox [Internal]

Whoa. Laverty really takes this rubbish car thing seriously, having put his money where his mouth is in the case of the Subaru Justy, noting: "the Justy s safety and reliability report is generally good. For us good meant shock absorbers popping up through the rear wheel arches, clutch cable snapping at the world s busiest junction and more rust than a late-sixties Mini."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Subaru Justy Mk 1: Justify Our Love [Hecklerspray]

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Jag, Jag, Jiggity-Jag: Hecklerspray on the Jaguar XJ40 [Internal]

We have to say that lately, the idea of snapping up an old Jaguar for cheap has been really appealing. And here in LA, there're tons of 'em. Then we start thinking, "Well, um, we could easily afford the car, but we can't afford the repair bills." Still, it might be fun to buy one just to do something ridiculously stupid with. Laverty's got the same ideer here, chatting up the company's '80s entry-level ride, the XJ40. Quoth the Lavat'ry, "Co-designed by Pininfarina, the normally reliable Italian had a field day with the XJ40; 'A corner here, a right angle there, and how about a pasta bake tin for the headlights, no?' Lord alone knows if he approved the dreadful cloth seats as well." We'll still take the XJS, thanks.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Jaguar XJ6 Squaring Up For a Fight [Hecklerspray]

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Le Fucking Car! Yes! Hecklerspray on the Renault 5 Mk 1 [Internal]

Oh man, we can't believe how long it took Laverty to get around to this one, because it's possibly the OG lovable rubbish car, but bwahs and grills (as Miss Frueh, our fully-awesome pre-Alegebra teacher, was wont to say), the Renault 5 is thee business. As a child in a stroller, we always marveled at the Le Cars parked in a driveway at the dark end of our street a red and green pair. They just seemed so incongruous in a world of large Pontiacs. And you know, as a two-year-old, it seemed like a car we could actually drive instead of sitting on our dad's lap, piloting a Rambler across a vacant lot on the way home from the hardware store. We love Le Car. We cherish it. We want one so very badly. Thank you, Laverty. Thank you.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Renault 5, Mk1 Everybody's Buddy [Hecklerspray]

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Oh, the Joys of the Roundel: Hecklerspray on the BMW 3-Series Mk2 [Internal]

Laverty makes a good point in his latest diatribe: "You might not feel very special in a brand new BMW nowadays (6 Series apart), but once upon a time kids used to put pictures of the things on their bedroom walls." And whaddaya know? The Brit bastard's right. While modern Bimmers feature all the bells, whistles and Bangles one can hope for in a vehicle, sometime in the mid-'90s, they stopped being iconic and became just another good car. Laverty's on with this one this is the first "Rubbish Cars We Love" bit that's absolutely sold us on the vehicle in question in quite a while. But we're thinkin' mid-'80s 6-series. There's one for sale just down the street...

Rubbish Cars We Love: BMW 3 Series Mk 2 Yes, Mobile Phones Really Were That Big [Hecklerspray]

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In Defens of a Lack of Cool: Hecklerspray on the Rover 200 [Internal]

Laverty seems to be reaching a bit this week; both in his car of choice and his defense of it. This week's example of automotive crapitude? The Rover 200. The Hecklerspray scribe suggests buying a 1.4L saloon, which to us doesn't sound like a whole helluva lot of fun at all, but you know, the Brits have their quirks, and the quirkiest (or most aged) among them will come to the defense of the long-struggling, now-comatose brand. "Make no mistake," says Laverty, "While a Rover 200 is the future of car boot sales on a Sunday morning, nobody anywhere will ever believe they are cool." No, and we won't believe they're lovable, either.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Rover 200 Mark 1 So Solid [Hecklerspray]

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The Ambassador of Bad Will: Hecklerspray on the Big Austin [Internal]

Ferfookssake. The Austin Ambassador is certainly a rubbish car. But we don't know if it's really in any way, shape or form actually lovable. We don't think Laverty even thinks so. His defense of the car really comes down to this: "It is a man s car, a throw back, a true-blue with the ride of a floating duvet and the sturdy electrics of a Texas prison. It will make you stand out more than anything else with a plastic steering wheel cover ever could." Thanks, Chris. We'll take an AMC Matador instead.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Austin Ambassador Where Has Everybody Gone? [Hecklerspray]

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Rollin , in My One-Nine-Oh! D oh. Hecklerspray on the 190 [Internal]

The first Mercedes we ever drove was a 190 of late '80s/early '90s vintage, and we must say, we were far from impressed. It didn't seem like a Merc to us. It seemed like a cheap-ass car with Mercedes styling. Laverty, on the other hand, loves him some 190 action. To us, it doesn't seem like a diamond in the rough, it seems like automotive dishonesty. We'll take the X1/9, thank you.

Rubbish Cars We Love: Mercedes 190 Taxi!

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Break Like the Wind: Hecklerspray on the Mk 2 Scirocco

Laverty admits that this one ain't exactly rubbish. Harkening back to earlier days before traction control nannied us all into a sometimes-justified sense of security (how many times did we spin our '70 Skylark?), the second-gen Scirocco is one of our favorite '80s cars as well. While some prefer the Mk. 1 design that bowed in '74, we've always liked the looks of the 2nd Gen. It's kind of a poor man's Audi Coup .

Rubbish Cars We Love: Volkswagen Scirocco MK 2 - Little Cracker! [Hecklerpray]

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Uno! Dos! One, Two, Tres Quattro! Hecklerspray on the Fiat Uno [Internal]

As Joe Strummer sang on a live version of "Capital Radio", "I wanna hear Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. Not Sham 69, Sam the Sham. Hecklerspray's Chris Laverty's sayin' the same thing, basically. He doesn't wanna play Uno. He doesn't wanna eat at Pizzeria Uno. He wants a goddamn Fiat Uno Mk1, and wants you to want one, too. He's even personally crash-tested an example of the car! The kicker? "So long as you do not mind looking like an in-the-know student, the Uno is as sensible a buy as Robert Redford memorabilia."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Fiat Uno Mark 1 Just Try Opening the Door [Hecklerspray]

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Jesus, We Totally Forgot About This One: Hecklerspray on the Volvo 480 [Internal]

While Laverty's no doubt tucking himself into bed waiting for Father Christmas to pop by and leave him '70s-vintage mint Corgis still in their original packaging, we're enjoying his rant on the Volvo 480, a sporty hatch that the Swedes launched back in '86 before Ford tried to make 'em all sensible and whatnot. Saying, "Only people who want the best but will never be able to afford it buy the 480. We mean never, no hope of ambition beyond middle management and an office with an openable window," he goes on to sing the Volvo's praises with a quick twist of the knife and a generous portion of clotted cream with strawberry preserves.

Rubbish Cars We Love: The Volvo 480 [Hecklerspray]

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Hecklerspray Hangs Medallion on the Renault 21 Turbo [Internal]

Ah, yes. Now this is what we're talking about Laverty travels back to the '80s and bursts forth with caveat-riddled hosannas for the Renault 21 Turbo. And no, we don't call it corn, we call it the Renault/Eagle Medallion. But wouldn't it be cool if the near-forgotten French ride's nickname was "Maize?" Quoth Baron Von Lav-man: The 21 is shaped like a Vauxhall Cavalier that has been set upon by mallet wielding school kids. "Though yesterday s eyesore can often become tomorrow s Sienna Miller, so don t hang around pondering for too long. So get out there and buy."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Renault 21 Turbo The French Cosworth (snigger)

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Heheheheheh Probe. Hecklerspray on Ford s Sportycar [Internal]

Man, we remember sometime in like 1983 when we saw a concept rendering of the Ford Probe in the Sacramento Union and thought, "Wow! That looks like a spaceship." When it debuted a few years later we thought, That's supposed to replace the Mustang? It never did, but it did take over from Ford's UK ponycar equivalent, the beloved-by-would-be-hoons Capri. And it still got no respect. While we gave Laverty the business for going too new with the Ford Ka thing a couple of weeks back, he's right on with this Probe bit. Well, sort of. After all, he does exhort, "We are so confident in the Probe s soon to be discovered coolness we recommend you go out and buy one right now."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Ford Probe The Salesman s Coupe [Hecklerspray]

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Hecklerspray on the Talbot Samba: Return to Form [Internal]

Last week we wondered if Laverty was losing it his piece on the Ford Ka made us wonder if the ol' boy's mojo had gone off for a coffee break and never returned. Thankfully, he comes back today with a classic "Rubbish Cars We Love" piece on the Talbot Samba, which is about as far removed from a Talbot-Lago as one can get while still staying in the realm of items with four wheels and an internal combustion engine. Seriously, we've seen swankier riding mowers. But Laverty defends the wee rustbucket, and admits a special fondness for the 80hp Rallye Edition, exhorting, "Who gives a damn about a bit of rust when you can drive an eighty horsepower mayfly?"

Rubbish Cars We Love: Talbot Samba Weak As I Am [Hecklerspray]

More Bounce to the Ounce: Hecklerspray on the Ford Ka Mk 1 [Internal]

Has Laverty gone a tad soft in the noggin? We get the feeling that Hecklerspray's auto columnist was born a wee bit daft, but this time he goes positively 'round the bend over the first iteration of Ford's diminutive Ka. Especially troubling is the Ka's relative newness, but we also know that cars don't seem to hold on as long in Blighty as they do in the Sunbelt. So it could be that ol' Chris is simply running out of suitable old beaters to write about. That said, he insists that serviceable Kas can be found for under a thousand quid, and we quote, "It smiles constantly, radiates low-price chic (body-colour bumpers notwithstanding) and makes 60 BHP feel like 160."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Ford Ka Mark 1 Bubblicious! [Hecklerspray]

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Hecklerspray Merely Likes the Audi 200 Estate [Internal]

We've gotta admit we're addicted to Hecklerspray's weekly "Rubbish Cars We Love" feature, as writer Chris Laverty generally gets in some good punches in his defense of random Eurotrash rides. But he didn't seem to be too fired up about the Audi 200 Estate this week, which is really too bad, as we were awfully fond of our uncle Gerry's Audi 100 CC Estate from whose rounded boot we saw Dorset and Somerset from back in 1987. Ultimately, Laverty compares the be-ringed brand's wagon to James Bond short-timer Timothy Dalton, "Tim D was not the worst Bond, nor did he drive the worst car, but as with the 200 estate he just wasn t needed enough."

Rubbish Cars We Love: Audi 200 Estate Never Did No Harm [Hecklerspray]

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Over Hill and Dale With Hecklerspray and the Lada Niva [Internal]