Jalopnik: from the mailbag

Chinese Company Wants To Sell Us Armored Cars

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:45:00 EDT

In the latest installment of "We're-only-a-website-no-commerce-here" — also known as our own brand of cotomer sevis — instead of getting email from an eager buyer, we were propositioned by the other side of the capitalist equation. Or, to be specific, the e-mail is from what appears to be a shady Chinese exporter of bulletproof vests and cars. We say "appears," because, well, he claims his name is Mr. Andy — which we can only assume, nay, hope, to be a pseudonym. We've probably made Mr. Andy's radar screen — and more than likely the screens of other armaments manufacturers, after our little trip out to BAE Systems, but needless to say, his offer is still a bit odd. Mr. Andy asks us to consider his range of armor protection, starting with vests and then moving into our universe with the inclusion of an armored Toyota Hiace ripoff called the Jinbei Haise. He's also got a "Nissan Armored Cash-transport Car." Isn't there a joke out there about buying bulletproof vests made in China? If not there should be. Full text of the email below the fold.

From: "dameng-car" Date: March 31, 2008 8:28:05 AM EDT To: "080331-2" Subject: bulletproof car export !
Subject: Bulletproof vest/ armored vehicle !

To whom may be concerned

Dear Sir,

We are the leading manufacturer of bulletproof products in China; we have been exported bulletproof products for many years. At present, we are interested in extending our range, and with our pleasure to giving the catalogues and quotations to you for reference, as follows:

1. Bulletproof Vest (Dyneema/Kevlar material): NIJ0101.04 Level IIIA standard, USD335.00/piece, FOB Chongqing Port.

2. ¡°Jinbei¡± Armored Cash-transport Car (petrol engine): USD34500.00/piece, FOB Chongqing Port.

3. ¡°Nissan¡± Armored Cash-transport Car: 5026XYC1 Armored Cash- Transport Car, USD33800.00/unit, FOB Chongqing port.

In fact, We also have other models for your choice, If you have intersts in our products , please send me a email, Then I will offer picture and specification etc detail .

I look forward to hear from your reply soon.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Andy
Sale manager

Dr. Haynes Presents His 100% Green UFO

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 13:00:00 EST

Having invested heavily in Jeep slogans and thereby multiplied our sales by four times, we're happy to learn that space travel is going green. Dr. Doug Haynes, of Blue Ridge Airlines, is pleased to announce that he's created the first 100% green form of space travel. The non-polluting Haynes Saucer UFO (a.k.a. the Jetson Mobile), is the answer to all of our spaceflight dreams for 2008. We haven't taken a ride in the Jetson Mobile, so we can't comment on their Cotomer Sevis. The way things are going, we may see this before we see the Zap Alias. Crazy rant below the jump.

Dr. Haynes goes 100% Green by sending his UFO into 2008
Dr. Doug Haynes joins many other "earth first" human inhabitants in leading the word into the righteous path of existence by creating the first 100% non-polluting atmospheric and outer space flying machine. Dr. Doug E Haynes recognizes that his aviation and aerospace industry has been a major production contributor in the destructive over creation of CO2 greenhouse gasses and as its leader he successfully moves to reverse this damaging behavioral pattern by creating a 100% Green flying space car.

Back in 2003, on the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers first powered flight, Dr. Haynes demonstrated to the FAA, AST and millions of spectators around the world the superior capabilities of his non-polluting Haynes Saucer UFO looking prototype flying machine. Doug's Saucer easily displayed the ability to out fly all current civilian / military VTOL, STOL, and conventional flying devices such as aircraft and helicopters and spacecraft on television and video tape. The Haynes Saucer also displayed the amazing ability to fly forward and backward at the same speed without expelling any green house enhancing gasses making it the vehicle of preference for the 21st century.

As others who have migrated to America from Europe and South America try to take false credit for being the first to establish a FAA/ AST registered spaceline company Dr. Haynes and his Blue Ridge Nebula Spaceline rganization moves on to connect their state of the art, UFO, non-polluting technology to his newly developed flying car /space shuttle vehicle (Jetson Mobile).

So as the leader of the civilian passenger/cargo space transpiration industry Dr. Doug Haynes once again points the way to the right path for us all, and prays that we all strive to work together as one people on earth to clean up our mistakes ASAP.

Come celebrate 2008 with Dr. Haynes, the first to create a 100% Green flying car /spaceship, and his Blue Ridge Spaceline management team, the true initiators of the civilian passenger / cargo space flight transportation industry, while we show off our stuff and teach the youth of Colorado the true path to success.

As always God bless you all

Amen.

Top Secret Slogan Will Help Jalopnik Sell More Cars

Ben Wojdyla — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:30:00 EST

This is getting ridiculous. Folks, please, we don't sell cars. We don't sell parts, we don't repair cars, we are not a dealership, we are not an importer/exporter. No doubt this clear and to the point statement will be overlooked by people like Paul WRIGHT, who writes to us with a proposal. He tells us he has a Grand Cherokee and he wants to buy a new one. But he also wants to help us increase sales. How you might ask? Why, with his "very powerful slogan," of course. Evidently, this top-secret verbiage helped multiply sales at the local Jeep dealer he sold it to by four times (so he claims). Let's hope he handles sales sloganeering better than he handles basic English.

Dear Sirs Please allow me to approach on you in the following matter. I am the giant fan of Jeeps. I have currently 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee, Ltd. but I am decided to buy the fully loaded Jeeps Grand Cherokee 6.1 soon. I would like ask you, if you would be interested to use my idea to get sales of your cars increased several times. I can offer you my very powerful slogan. This slogan will do that job for you. I have sold my slogan to the dealer of Jeeps here and they got sales of Jeeps increased four times. You could to use that slogan to get sales of your cars increased in your area several times and to get great marketing advantage over your competitors. Please let me know, if you will be interested in my offer. I will be very pleased to hear from you. Have a great day, Yours sincerely Paul WRIGHT, Engr.

Nigerian Request for Tata Nanos

Ben Wojdyla — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 12:30:00 EST

For some strange reason, Belema West, apparent President of the GrassRoots Peace Ambassadors Forum, sent us a request for 300 of the budget-friendly Tata Nano mini-cars revealed mere weeks ago. You read that right, 300. That's $750,000 worth of Tatas. The substantial fleet of small cars would be used to shuttle Nigerian civil servants around the Niger Delta region doing whatever it is that peace ambassadors in that dangerous area do these days. Unfortunately, because of production restrictions, we will require some funding to start the process. A total of $75,000, or only 10 percent, will be needed to help transfer material to the production line. If this is done, we will provide a substantial discount and expedite the order. A copy of the email has been provided below as record.

From: Belema West Date: Jan 23, 2008 10:17 PM Subject: Biz package (300 of ur cars for senior civil servent in the NigerDelta area in Nigeria. To: tips@jalopnik.com
good day sir,
my names are belema west sorry to distourb you. sir, for
a start, 300 of ur cars (tatanano)for senior civil servent in the
NigerDelta area in Nigeria.i want to be the mediator betwin ur company
and government.in de NigerDelta area, if ur company is interested u
have to come down to nigeria lets meet face2face and talk
biz.................. e26nbsp;

thanks

Belema West.
President:GrassRoot Peace Ambassadors Forum

Simca P60 Aronde Cotomer Sevis

Ben Wojdyla — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 13:30:00 EST

We're beginning to wonder if this blogging may be the wrong business to be in. Like, maybe there's better money in fielding weird requests from the worlds automotive eccentrics. Alan Berj writes to us with a request. It seems he's the owner of a 1959 Simca P60 Aronde and he's getting nervous about a long interval between shop visits. We would be worried too, shop time with a French car should be as regular as a well fed goose. In that spirit, Alan is asking us to put him into contact with the Simca factory, just in case he should be needing parts soon. As opposed to our usual response of sarcasm and vitriole, this time we were actually intrigued enough to try and help, mostly because Simca has been out of the auto business since 1979. So Alan, below you will find a copy of your email, along with some useful Simca contact information.

Sir/Madam, First i would like to introduce myself i am Alan Berj xxxxx , i own a Simca Aronde Mo: 1959 and its been a long while that it was in the garage , so i wanted to know Simca's factory in case i need spare parts. thanks for the co-operation Please mention in the mail subject ( Simca Aronde ) Best Regards, Alan

Parts sourcing

-The Simca Shop - Netherlands
-H.D. Rogers & Sons

People with contacts

-Club Simca France [French]
- President of Club Simca France's contact info
-Simca Car Club of America

So there you go Alan, Jalopnik cotomer sevis at it's best. It's not the Simca Factory, but don't say we never did anything for you.

Rustam Mamedov is Angry With Us

bwojdyla — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 13:00:00 EST

Back in 2007, we posted what we thought to be a request to order an armored Maybach 62 for the President of Azerbaijan. Turns out our cotomer sevis really is that bad. Mr Mamedov sent us what we assume to be an angry letter letting us know that we are silly for transferring such information to the internet, and that something is repeatedly strange. He made sure to let us know that the car was for him and we shouldn't rely on the notoriously incorrect Google for our sleuthing. On behalf of our cotomer sevis department, we apologize and hope that in the future, we can help to not arrange for the purchase of armored Maybah 62's more accurately in the future. Strongly, and repeatedly worded email after the jump.

Dear Sirs! Before that something to write, it is necessary to think well. Who told you, or wrote, that the President of Azerbaijan seeking for the armored Maybach???? Why for such silly information transferring on the Internet. I am, Rustam Mammadov businessman seeking that car, not are you found and seeking on Google quick search. It is not your deal, what you think, we can take permission from you after ordering car????? The silly information should not be transferred or you have nothing to be engaged. Are you stupied, Order strange or not strange!!!! If ordering Maybach, then in your mind it is strange and from strange peoples, all world buying that car, what is strange ????? I think you are very strange person and thinking very strange!!!! Not to be engaged nonsense, it is not necessary Regards

Jalopnik Reader Requests Armored Maybach for Azerbaijani President?

Ray Wert — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:00:00 EST

We get some strange requests here at Jalopnik. Sometimes those requests are admittedly from some very strange people. But the e-mail we got last night was by far the most strange request we've seen in quite some time. It's from a man named Rustam Mamedov. If it's the same Rustam Mamedov we found in a quick Google search, then we're under the impression the President of Azerbaijan is looking for an armored Maybach 62 S — but only in black. Full e-mail after the jump.

Dear Sirs! We need buy Armored Maybach 62s black color. If any offers please send to us Regards,
Rustam Mamedov

Well of course the President of Azerbaijan would want a black armored Maybach 62 S, what leader of a minor former Soviet republic wouldn't want one. But — just a reminder folks — whether you're an Afghani prince, a President of Azerbaijan or Prime Minister of Canada — we're a car enthusiast site, not a car sales site. Just sayin'...