Jalopnik: Feature

What Will Mini Name Their New Crossover?

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:40:00 EDT

Since we first heard of the possibility of a Mini SUV, dubbed by many the Mini Crossman that we saw debut in Paris, there has been speculation over the name. We thought this was all settled when they didn't officially name it the Crossman, but apparently enthusiast wishes now appear to hold no sway with automakers. You'd have thought we'd have learned after the whole G8 El Camino debacle, right? Anyway, According to GoAuto, BMW's global sales and marketing chief said "I can assure you it won't be known by that name." This brings us back to square one. So what will they call it? We'll walk you through the possibilities below.

Mini Maxi
One possibility that GoAuto floated by BMW, with no affirmative or negative response, was the name Maxi, as in the Austin Maxi five-door developed by Sir Alec Issigonis. While this may have some impact on British buyers, for a world car it just sounds wrong to us. Would your garage then be the Mini Maxi pad?

Mini Monte
The Jalopnik-preferred name is the Mini Monte, which is what we originally thought it would be called. This would reach back into Mini's Monte Carlo rallye heritage and appeal to people named Monte at the same time.

Mini Colorado
We'd heard before that the Mini could be named the Colorado, at least in early project form, though that may not have the appeal in the US market where there is already something called the Colorado.

Mini Globetrotter
No one at all is suggesting this name, but the use of the Mini Globe coupled with the awesomeness that is the Harlem Globetrotters makes for a pretty sweet name.

[GoAuto via eGMCarTech]

GM Will Go Bankrupt: Why That May Actually Be Good For The General

Ray Wert — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 08:30:00 EDT

I'm not the first person to say it. After yesterday's 31% drop in the price per share, news outlets talking to the right people this morning are already saying it, albeit fecklessly, like thus: "Will GM declare bankruptcy?" All I'm doing is removing the question mark. The pundits saying "bankruptcy is not an option" are completely ignorant of the facts, living in an alternate reality or parroting the GM PR public line (a line I don't begrudge GM for pushing given the need to be positive or else face a rush for the hills), because let's be clear here — if the marketplace for credit does not change in the next year, bankruptcy is not only an option, it's the only option. Yes, GM will be forced to declare bankruptcy. Although yesterday's drop in share price had more to do with the release of the short-selling ban on GM stock than anything else, it's indicative of the bigger picture. It's the same one facing every major company in the United States today, and every consumer looking to buy a house or a car — an inability to get a loan. For GM, those loans are what they'll need to go about doing business on a day-to-day basis and it's a problem that looks to not be fixing itself anytime soon. But the "b-word" may not be a curse word for the General. In fact, it could potentially be one of the best things to happen to the automaker in years. Here's why and how.

For the first time in the history of the company, the crisis isn't product. It's clear GM's figured out the need to design and build high quality, fuel efficient and attractively-designed vehicles. Not only have they realized the need to do it, they're actually doing it. Even the most jaded auto enthusiasts, journalists and industry analysts with even the slightest clue have to admit they've stepped up their game in the past few years. But, that won't stop bankruptcy at GM — just like it isn't stopping bankruptcy at their dealerships, as the recent failure of Bill Heard Chevrolet showed us last month.

Although the automaker has the cash to go about doing business right now, we've been told in the past the company needs $11 billion in working capital on hand at all times to remain in business. Right now, they've apparently got somewhere around $20 billion. With a "burn rate" (god, we SO didn't miss that term from the dot-com bubble) averaging over $1 billion a month (and a greater spend in recent months thanks to increasingly lower auto sales) and an inability to raise more cash (other than whatever minor deals they can come up with like refinancing buildings like their Renaissance Center HQ in downtown Detroit), the automaker will hit that $11 billion mark pretty darn quick. When that happens, there's no more crazy deals they'll be able to come up with to avoid declaring bankruptcy.

What's that you ask — what about the $25 billion in Federal loan guarantees? GM's cut of that pie will give them a few billion, yes, but nobody's expecting that money to hit the General's accounts until sometime next year and anyway, they may not even make it that far.

What about the open markets? Well, S&P just made it much more difficult yesterday, claiming it was reviewing GM for further long-term credit downgrades — ratings that already indicate their bonds are below investment grade. So don't expect help to come from the capitalist-loving marketplace.

So what happens when they hit that wall and actually have to throw down the B-word? Nobody knows for sure, and anyone who claims they do is full of more bull than Bank of America after swallowing up Merrill. But, one thing's clear — any form of court-mandated reorganization allows GM to reevaluate all sorts of deals — like the one recently signed with the UAW, with suppliers and most importantly, with creditors seeking repayment on the $43 billion in debt and $80 billion in other liabilities on the books at the General — potentially allowing the automaker to wipe some of that out. More importantly, just like the airlines, it'll give them the time to continue selling their ever-better vehicle lineup. True, many folks may be scared of buying vehicles from a company that's declared bankruptcy but of course, that didn't stop people from piling into Northwest planes after the airline did the same. And that's where they and we, have got some hope.

The Cars Automakers Need To Atone For

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Today is Jalopnik's Day Of Automaker Atonement, a day in which we help automakers (with some help from our commenters) identify the automobile for which each company needs to apologize to God on this holy day. Click on the automaker logos below for the vehicles we've identified and why we think they need to seek forgiveness. Seriously, sunset is only a few hours away.

Click On The Logos For Atonement

Ford

GM

Chrysler

Honda

Toyota

Nissan-Renault

BMW

Mercedes

Volkswagen

Mitsubishi

Hyundai

Constructicon Vehicle Modes From New Transformers Movie Possibly Revealed

Ben Wojdyla — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:15:00 EDT

There was a report not too long ago about the possibility of Devastator showing up in the new movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Now it seems an Insider over at TFW200 claims they've got the laundry list of construction vehicles that'll make up the Constructicons, who together will form the mega-bot. If the list is accurate, and the insider hasn't yet been wrong, let it not be said that director Michael Bay thinks small, as the combined weight of these behemoths of industry tip the scales at well over 2.5 million pounds. That's a whole lot of pissed off robot. The entire list — there's apparently seven of them — along with images of the monster vehicular modes, below the jump.

O&K/Terex RH400 - Hydraulic Mining Excavator - (In red)

Tipping the scales at a sveltd 1,553,220 lbs, the RH400 is easily the heavyweight of the group, and in fact it's the largest hydraulic shovel in the world. This mining excavator is so big it actually has a rest area next to the operator's cab complete with microwave, coffee machine, a refrigerator and sleeping bunk. Given the size, this baby is probably a torso and an arm, a big monster arm at that, with that chomping shovel end too.

Caterpillar 992G - Wheel Loader - (In yellow)

Introduced in 1990, the 992G was for a time the largest articulated earth mover in the world. Completely outfitted, the 992G weighs in at over 204,000 lbs and can take 16-cubic-yard bites out of the earth. Perhaps useful as a leg, but really, a giant loader is useful anywhere.

Caterpillar 773B - Dump Truck - (In green)

The Cat 773B is a fairly standard heavy-duty off-road dump truck and can tote loads of about 50 tons all while tipping the scales at a scant 85,687 lbs. Positively gaunt compared to that hydraulic shovel. We're betting on a leg, perhaps some kind of transforming weapon, but with Bay, you can never really tell.

Mack Cement Mixer - (In silver and white)

Nothing to see here. It's a Mack cement truck, and considering the size of this thing relative to some of the other equipment, we're assuming Bay is using the Mack as a robot foot.

Komatsu HD465-7 - Articulated Dump Truck - (red)

The Komatsu HD465-7 is a step up in the dump truck department. With a 715 HP diesel engine and a 61-ton capacity, this 94,360 lb hauler is nothing to sneeze at; probably a leg or an arm, judging from the scale of the other vehicles.

Kobelco CK2500 - Truss Crane - (In yellow)

Able to dead-lift 250 tons, the CK2500 is certainly capable of some wanton destruction. We've got one thing in mind for this 458,600 lb crane: giant robotic mace arm. Oh, yeah, talk about Bay-style explosions and destruction; this thing is practically made for it.

Caterpillar D9L - Bulldozer - (In beige)

We can think of nothing better to act as a head for this brute than a Caterpillar D9L. This 107,000 lb earth mover is the choice of the world's militaries for mine clearing and heavy road-building operations. The D9L also possesses that which all truly bad-ass characters require — a strong jaw-line, or in this case, blade-line.

[via TFW2005]

2010 Buick LaCrosse: Rendered For Your Pleasure

The Auto Insider — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 11:00:00 EDT

Customers interested in buying something new from the Buick brand have been left high and dry since the release of the Enclave CUV in early 2007. They won’t have to wait much longer. While we've seen it fairly un-covered and we've already seen a little tease, our sources tell us these renderings we've commissioned from the folks at KORSDesign are almost exactly what you should expect to see when GM reveals the 2010 Buick LaCrosse officially in November at the LA Auto Show. Check out the gallery of renderings below and then hit the jump to see our official spy report.

Although retaining the front engine/front wheel drive layout, the LaCrosse will now be perched upon GM's new Global Epsilon II platform. On the outside, the Buick LaCrosse is a radical departure from the frumpy vehicle of yesteryear and is now targeting a much younger audience in the same fashion as Cadillac a few years ago. Inspired by the Invicta concept car, the 2010 Buick LaCrosse carries much of the showcars design through to production. The most noticeable changes made from the Invicta are a higher DLO with less rake to the front windshield, smaller wheels and less tech in the headlights and taillights. The wheelbase has also been shortened from the concept car, but it’s not a very drastic change.

The biggest design departure from previous Buicks are the portholes. Yup, the "go-faster" holes have been relocated from the front quarter-panels onto the hood, nestled in a sharp inset crease. The traditional Buick waterfall grille has been reshaped and appears very modern in contrast to past Buicks, thanks to a machined finish with chrome strips on each of the slats, giving it a very jewel-like appearance. The headlights have a very strong design and pull rearward into the shoulder line.

The signature body line evokes classic Buick style, but the younger audience will most likely relate it to the Bentley Continental GT. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The DLO features a chrome strip that wraps very delicately toward the C-pillar and finishes in a very BMW-esque “kink”. The trunk wraps neatly into the C-pillar and is perched fairly high. The taillights somewhat mimic the headlights in that they are stretched forward, wrapping around the rear fender and run into the shoulder feature line. Chrome strips on the taillight lens carry that line across the rear and around the trunk. A large chrome strip sits above the license plate surround and encompasses the bold Buick badge. Dual chromed exhaust ports sit within the lower bumper surface and are a nice detail reminiscent of current luxury cars from Europe and Japan — especially the new Acura TL. Expect 17- and 18-inch wheels to be offered as standard with 19-inch chrome rollers in the style of the Invicta concept cars to be optional.

The 2010 Buick LaCrosse interior will not lose anything in the translation from concept to production with the exception of material finishes. It will feature a hands free key with push button start/stop and ambient interior lighting.

Expect to see the 2010 Buick LaCrosse in person in November at the LA Auto Show and in Detroit in January for the Detroit Auto Show. The wait won’t be much longer from there as the LaCrosse is due to go on sale in early 2009.

Some say he has a tattoo of a Saleen S7 on his rear end. Others tell us he was born with a penchant for oil rather than his mum's milk. All we know is he's called the Auto Insider and he's always ready to provide the scoop from the other side of Eight Mile.

Ten Car Platforms That Just Won't Die

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:00:00 EDT

News that GM would continue to extend its GMT-900 truck platform for a few additional years to save money seemed to send shock waves through the auto industry — despite the fact that the design just went into production in 2007. When did platforms get such a short shelf-life? We were able to come up with ten basic car platforms still in production that were originally developed more than a decade ago, including three more than half-a-century old, just to prove that new doesn't necessarily mean better — but it usually does. Behold: Ten car platforms that just won't die.

10. DeTomaso Bigua (1996 - Present)

In the mid 1990s, DeTomaso developed the Biguà platform as a replacement for its aging Pantera model. The name was eventually changed to Mangusta and the design sold to Qvale, which hoped to produce enough of the models to remain profitable. Eventually, the design and plant were sold to MG Rover Sport, which resurrected the platform to underpin the MG X-Power and its variants. It's basically an Italian car powered by an American Ford V8 and then transplanted to Britain. Wasn't that the plot of Keen Eddie?

9. MG F/TF (1995 - Present)

Not to be confused with the MG company reproducing Qvale Mangustas, the non-sports-car side of MG/Rover was sold to a Chinese company, which has the rights to produce the original last MG two-seater model: the MG F/TF. The MG F/TF platform was developed as part of a reincarnation of the classic MG sports car and was relatively popular in Britain. When the company was sold to the Chinese they took over ownership of the MG F/TF design and are now reproducing them under the same name, including a MG TF police car.

8. Peugeot 405 (1987 - Present)

The Peugeot 405 was a popular sedan in its day, offering a sharp-for-the-era Pininfarina design, good performance and sporty-yet-refined handling. It was also the last Pug officially sold in the United States. The 405 was replaced in 1997 for most of the world, but still carries on in Egypt as the Wagih Abaza/Peugeot 405. Our favorite current variant, however, is the Iran Khodro Samand. It's the sexiest way to drive through an axis of evil.

7. Ford Ranger (1982 - Present)

The Ford Ranger, introduced in the early 1980s to take on rival Japanese compact trucks, has always been a capable compact truck. While the rest of the market moved into larger, mid-sized trucks with "modern designs" and "interiors that don't look 20 years old" the Ranger remained what it always was. Though there have been significant changes in the body style, engines and other key parts through the 25-year life of the Ranger, it is fair to say it is essentially the same platform. We continue to be told of the death of the Ranger but it continues to be produced and, though volume is low, is actually seeing sales declines significantly lower than the F-Series, which is due for replacement.

6. B2 Volkswagen Passat (1981- Present)

The second generation Volkswagen Passat platform, which was launched in 1981, was replaced in 1987 by the third-generation Passat familiar to many of us for its classic boxy design. Shanghai Volkswagen Auto started building B2-based VW Santanas in 1985 and liked the car so much that they've never stopped. Currently, the Santana is one of the most popular cars in China and has been updated numerous times to include MP3/CD radios, ABS brakes and electronic fuel-injection. In addition to being a passenger car, the Santana is like the Crown Vic of China in that it sees significant use in taxi and civil service fleets.
[Photo Credit: Flickr]

5. Ford Panther (1979 - Present)

The Ford Panther has the current record for the oldest platform sold in North America now that Volkswagen has finally stopped making Type-1 Beetles. Originally sold as the Ford LTD way back in 1979, the Panther still underpins the current generation Ford Crown Victoria, Mercury Grand Marquis and Lincoln Town Car. Sure, it may be old, but we also kind of love it. If it ain't broke, right?

4. MK1 Volkswagen Golf (1974 - Present)

Thanks to Volkswagen's flexibility with design exportation, the very popular Mk1 Golf lives on in a perpetual state of hatchback bliss as the South African Volkswagen Citi. Variants of this Citi Golf abound, including versions not too-far-off from the original GTi, but the car is remarkably similar in style and design to that original and classic VW hatchback look.

3. Fiat 124 (1966 - Present)

The Fiat 124 may be the most prostituted car platform in the history of the automobile and, thanks to semi-solid Italian design and Russian thrift, it may never die. First produced in 1966, the 124 was the Turkish Murat 124, the Spanish Seat 124 and continues life, in reduced production, as the Russian Lada/AutoVaz Riva.

2. Morgan Plus 4 (1950 - Present)

While the Morgan Aero 8 may look like a car designed around the mid-century mark, the Morgan Plus 4 was actually designed and produced in the 1950s. This post-war two-seater was produced until 1969 as the company moved onto other models. In the mid 1980s the company needed the Plus 4 to fill a gap between two other Morgans so it continued its reproduction until 2000. Then, in 2005, the company thought "what the hell?" and started re-reproduction of the Plus 4, which now caries a Ford 2.0-liter Duratec fourbanger, as part of their "classic" line. [Photo Credit: AvonHill]

1. Morris Oxford (1948 - Present)

Celebrating 60 years in production, we're sort of curious if the original designers of the original Morris Oxford knew it would live on in-perpituity. The Oxford design was carried, with some major changes, through multiple generations in Europe. The folks at Hindustan Motors in India, however, never thought there was much need to improve over the third generation Oxford and continue to make the Ambassador in a form not too removed from the original. Though not the official car of India, it is one of the most popular cars in he history of the country and one of the oldest continually produced cars in history.
[Photo Credit: Picasa

GEM Peapod Photoshop Contest: Vote For The Winner Of The iPod Touch!

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:00:00 EDT

After a week of heavy polling through four rounds of entries, the final 20 contestants in the GEM Peapod Photoshop Contest have been determined. Beginning today and ending Wednesday at 11:59 PM EST, you get to vote for your favorite chop of the smiley, enviro-friendly GEM Peapod concept. The winner will take home a sweet new iPod Touch, offered up by the fine folks at Chrysler's GEM division. When the clock passes 11:59 PM EST, all voting will be complete and we'll announce the winner the following day. Remember, standard contest rules still apply. Congratulations to those who made it to the finals, and good luck in the final round of voting.

The Best Paris Motor Show Live Reveals: What You Might Have Missed

Andrew Stoy — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:00:00 EDT

The Paris Motor Show press days have wrapped up, but if you missed some of last week's live coverage, here are some of the most trafficked posts from the show along with a couple more we added earlier today. Be sure to visit the full posts where you'll find more pictures, press releases and analysis.

Citroën GTbyCITROËN ConceptPininfarina B0 ConceptHonda Insight ConceptLamborghini Estoque ConceptAston Martin One-77Mini Crossover ConceptPeugeot RC HYmotion4Mercedes ConceptFASCINATIONSeat ExeoChina Automobile France KIFF

Seven Ways The Financial Crisis Will Affect Car Buyers

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:00:00 EDT

The most cliched phrase so far during this financial crisis has been "what happens on Wall Street affects Main Street," and nowhere is this truer than for that large car dealership located on Main Street, which will have to adapt to the new market in ways that will seriously impact car buyers. While not all of the changes are positive for consumers, the tough position dealerships find themselves in will make an already buyer-friendly market more so in the coming months. Below is our look at seven ways car buyers will be impacted.

7. More Incentives

Insecurity in the market will lead to fewer people buying new cars than before. It is no surprise that when car sales drop, incentives increase. GM just ran a long "employee pricing" deal, leading to a sales drop that wasn't as bad as expected, meaning that other automakers may follow suit. We've even seen dealerships running their own employee pricing deals on top of automaker offers. This is especially significant for truck buyers, who may see "owner loyalty" and "special overstock" pricing deals. Make sure to inquire about all available incentives if you're shopping for a car.

6. Fewer Dealerships

Most dealerships don't purchase cars directly from the automaker but rather finance their "floor plan" through a lender. The dealership then pays interest on that car loan until the car is sold. If a dealership can no longer secure a loan for their floor plan, they're no longer able to operate. This is one of the reasons why dealerships are going out of business. Typically, less competition is bad for buyers. In this case, the market is in such bad shape that the biggest impact will likely be for individuals who have long-standing relationships with dealerships.

5. Lower Financing Costs

For the first time in years Toyota is offering 0% financing on 11 of their models, a sign that the company wants to move inventory. With the exception of super-premium automakers like Ferrari and Maserati, who aren't typically impacted by these market fluctuations, most carmakers rely on selling a large volume of cars and will offer discount financing as a way to get through tough times. If you have good-to-exceptional credit then you may be able to get a great interest rate on a new car loan.

4. Less Easy Credit

While buyers with a solid credit history may get a great deal on a new car loan, those with limited credit histories or average-to-bad credit may not be able to get a loan at all or may have to offer up more proof of their creditworthiness, as banks are taking a greater interest in those who are asking for loans. A finance manager at a dealership in New Hampshire told the local paper that "They're looking at things they never used to look at. We work very hard to get approvals . . . what used to take me nearly two hours maybe will take me two days." Buyers should also expect to spend more time securing a loan than before.

3. More Fuel Efficient Models

When Heard Enterprises closed up shop they blamed their high inventory of trucks and SUVs. Look for more fuel efficient versions of vehicles and smaller cars to take up more space in showrooms. Those looking for fuel-sippers will no longer have to walk to the back of the lot to find something that gets good economy.

2. Less Model Variety

With truck and SUV sales falling it is no longer profitable for most dealers to keep a large variety of those vehicles on the lot when they could have more fuel-efficient models. Those looking for a specific color of truck or a special model sports car may have to look harder and drive further for them. This will become an even larger issue this fall when the 2009 models start arriving at dealerships. [Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images]

1. Better & Worse Dealership Service

Dealerships will have to decide whether they want to attempt to make cuts in the service departments in order to lower their bottom line or increase customer service in order to retain a larger share of the dwindling new car buyer pool. It isn't clear yet which approach is winning out, though some dealerships have been hiring top employees from recently closed dealerships, a hopeful sign that they may be choosing better service. [Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images]

Conclusion

There's no doubt that consumers with strong credit histories or the cash to buy a new car are going to make a killing. With the floor plan system, new car dealers are paying interest on every car that sits on their lot, giving them a major incentive to find a way to make a sale. On the other hand, fewer dealerships and harder-to-come-by credit will mean new difficulties for car buyers.

[Top Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images]

Top Ten Reasons The Paris Auto Show Press Room Sucks

Ben Wojdyla — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 11:10:00 EDT

Unless you're deep in the bowels of the automotive journalism industry, it may come as a surprise the Paris Auto Show is — despite the big reveals and beautiful flora and fauna — one of the worst of the global shows to cover. First off, the show is big. Really big. It's over a half mile across, and spread out over six main buildings with huge elevation changes — that's a lot of hiking. To compound this issue, the press room is on the far side of the convention center campus, half a mile away from anything useful. And, as we said two years ago, albeit more colorfully, it's the world's worst press room. So terrible is it in fact, we managed to use it for all of about 10 minutes before running to happier pastures at Volvo (thanks Volvo!). But, as a service to the Paris Motor Show planning committee, we've put together a list of the top ten reasons the Paris Motor Show press room sucks, along with ways to improve it.

10) Incredibly Uncomfortable Chairs

What's Wrong: Chairs are one of those things you should sacrifice for the sake of comfort over making a design statement. The chairs in the press room may look nice, but after an hour of seat time they try to consume your soul through your back side.
How To Fix It: Function over form, people. Suck up your silly Euro pride and get over to Michigan and buy yourself some Haworth or Steelcase chairs.

9) Wiring Monster

What's Wrong: Nothing is worse than needing power, hooking up your voltage adapter, and blocking the adjacent ports so people in the same situation are out of luck.
How To Fix It: Take a tip from the Tokyo Motor Show and put multi-voltage, multi-port hubs on the top of the desks. With multi-port hubs, you make everybody happy and plugging in power strips in your native voltage becomes a snap.

8) Messy Press Release System

What's Wrong: In the press rooms at most major shows there's a dedicated set of labeled cubbies with all of the available press releases and a staff there to deliver what you ask for and keep everything in stock and neat and tidy. At Paris there are some wood boxes and nobody to do anything about the wretched state they devolve into.
How To Fix It: Let's work on that. Assign someone to the press release cubby area and have them, you know, figure this shit out.

7) Desktop Computers EVERYWHERE

What's Wrong: Hey Paris, the age of the desktop is over. Anybody press person traveling to the Paris Motor Show really should have a laptop and one would think they'd prefer it over a big clumsy desktop. Instead of having 15-20% more desktop space, 80% of the press room is loaded up with staffers camping out on desktops because there are no more hard lines anywhere else.
How To Fix It: Dump 90% of the desktops and keep a couple in the corner for the gray hair auto journos and print mag head honchos who've yet to figure out why a laptop might be important for them to bring with them.

6) Stairs

What's Wrong: It may sound like a little thing, but when you're walking five to ten miles a day with a heavy bag of camera gear, doing acrobatics to get a good shot under the hot spotlights, running from press conference to press conference and battling the army of similarly motivated and equally sweaty competitors, another set of stairs are the last thing you need. Adding insult to injury, these stairs are only big enough for one full grown man to use at a time.
How To Fix It: Not everyone can have escalators like the Chicago Auto Show and the New York Auto Show, but walk-in press rooms Paris, you heard it here first.

5) Terrible Traffic Flow

What's Wrong: For a two-story, instant-style container building, the upper floor is loaded with big-ass columns that take up valuable floor space, make foot traffic congested, and just generally get in the way. Interestingly, not a single one of those columns has a power outlet on it. All failures of design in our opinion, aren't you folks supposed to be good at that kind of thing?
How To Fix It: Perhaps a pre-fab trailer isn't the best place to put a press center at an international auto show.

4) Way, Way Too Small

What's Wrong: Fer Chrissake, you're the people who built the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, The Cathedral of Notre Dame, you know how to make things big. There's no reason for a press room as crowded as a cafe on the Avenue des Champs- Élysées and that looks like a double-wide with some folding tables tossed in for fun.
How To Fix It: Think bigger folks, you have entire floors of some of the halls empty, use 'em.

3) Location, Location, Location (You Picked A Bad One)

What's Wrong: As we mentioned, the press room is all the way off in BFE (Butt-Frenching Egypt) on the North side of the show. On top of that it's outside (getting thousands of dollars worth of gear wet from rain is not at all fun). There are two main halls where most of the action takes place, Hall 3 and Hall 1.
How To Fix It: Connecting the two major halls is the Hall 2 second floor, which acts as a bridge over traffic. Hall 2 is home of vendors and tier 3 suppliers of all varieties. Would it be impossible to drop some of those folks into the lower level of the sparsely populated Hall 2 first floor? No, and it would save a lot of travel time.

2) Unreliable Wifi, Too Few Hard Lines

What's Wrong: Hard lines seem like an antiquated way to hook up to the internet these days, what with industrial strength 802.11n routers and all, but when the teaming horde of journalists whip out their laptops, all their electronic equipment, TV cameras, mixing boards, etc. clog the airwaves with their static. And don't even get us started on the 32-key password.
How To Fix It: Nothing is more of a godsend than walking into the Detroit Auto Show and finding a good old shielded hard line. We can't tell you how many times Wi-fi is more like No-fi at an auto show. Throw us a bone here folks and drop more hard line hubs.

1) Laughable Food Service.

What's Wrong: If you have time to graze upon the offerings of the automakers, the Paris Auto Show is a magical place. Paris is known as a foodie kind of place, so to keep up appearances, everybody dishes up some of the best auto show food in the world (Honda, we're looking at you and your awesome Asian/French fusion lunch on Thursday. Not that we stopped to eat or anything Wert, we swear!). But for those on the run or stuck phoning it in to the home office, the best you can hope for in the press room is overly sweet dessert bites, juice, water and soda.
How To Fix It: An army marches on its stomach and this one is no different. At least put out a plate of sandwiches once in a while. I mean, you guys invented baguettes, use them.

Let's be clear, we wouldn't trade our time at the Paris Motor Show for anything. We're just saying that when we're trying to decide which international show's tops, it's hard to argue for a show that seems unable to buy comfortable chairs. Just sayin'...

It's Graverobber Tirade Saturday!

Murilee Martin — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:00:00 EDT

Graverobber has continued to create his totally plausible Project Car Hell Tirades™ for us, and we're going to follow up the original Graverobber Tirade Friday compilation with another collection of his greatest hits today. Jump away, if you dare, and you'll read about the ~~terrible~~ glorious fates awaiting those who drag Hell Projects into once-cheerful garages.

PCH, Because You Can Edition
The Vee-dub. Ach-Eee-double hockey sticks.
The Camper Van Fordiac is freaky enough, and if you bought that you might turn into a pedophiliac version of that Hal Holbrook character from Into the Wild:"Don't hitch to Alaska, I'll drive you in my creepy clown camper!".
The Rabbit Limo however smacks of the kind of freaky '70s mashup of economy car and luxury car that Motor Trendused to promote. That's right, gravitate to the Rabbit and you will be inadvertently branding yourself as a Motor Trend reader.
Now, MT has been around for a long time. And it, like other car magazines has developed a persona of sorts over the years.  Road & Track has always been the Chardonnay-sipping, European car-loving, Formula One-following, Concours-attending civility magazine.  CAR AND DRIVER has developed the image of Budweiser-swilling, big-engine, parking lot burnout-ing, "Why don't them Ur-a-peun cars have no torque? NASCAR-loving bruisers.
AutoWeek is the "WE LOVE ALL KINDS OF RACING ONLY WE PUT IN THE BACK AND IT USED TO EVEN BE UPSIDEDOWN, BUT NOW IT'S NOT AND WE GET A LOT OF OUR NEWS FROM AUTOMOTIVE NEWS SO IT'S SOMETIMES WRITTEN LIKE IT'S BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T REALLY LIKE CARS, BUT WE REALLY, REALLY DO, PLUS WE HAVE DENISE MCCLUGGAGE AND SHE CAN DRIVE BETTER THAN ME YOU AND THAT BLOW-HARD FROM CAR AND DRIVER THAT CRASHED ON THE FIRST LAP AT INDY THAT YEAR, REMEMBER THAT? YEAH WE EVEN REPORTED ON THAT." magazine. But they're trying.
But Motor Trend? . . .Well, MT has always had a motto, which is "All Cars Are Good!, or ACAG. MT loves them some Japanese sedans and will frequently test three or four of them at a time. They'll go on for page upon page about the nuanced differences between an Accord and and Altima, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE THE SAME CAR! Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself.
Now, you may ask yourself "But I drive a mid-size sedan, wouldn't I be interested in a road test of said cars?" No you wouldn't. You drive that shit-box everyday. You could sneak out of work right now and take it around the block. You don't care about them. When you're sitting on the crapper, laying some cable, you don't want to be thinking about being stuck in traffic in a metallic-gray Camry LE, you want to read about rocketing a Veyron over a treacherous single-lane Alpine road. You want to read what it feels like to get pushed all out of shape by the ferocious acceleration of a nitrous-equipped, seven liter Viper at the clandestine drag races secretly put on by the ghosts of dead bootleggers. You want to vicariously experience all the things that you can neither afford nor are allowed by your wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend, mother/probation officer. My god, that's why you read Penthouse forum isn't it?!
Motor Trend, likes to take anything and make it more middle of the road. Limos should be big, ostentatious, look at me vehicles. But no, Motor Trend wants you to go to your prom in a Rabbit. Motor Trend wants you to ride to your father's funeral in a four-cylinder, 16-foot long hatchback. Why? Because Motor Trend is the car mag for people who aren't sure they like cars. Hell, maybe they're kind of "Dr Phil" sensitive individual and would actually rather read Cat Fancy (Ooh! Calicos now number one breed in Ohio!) than smoke-em around a corner, rev-the-piss-outta' it car stories.
So you don't want to go there. Just walk away. No, don't turn around, don't look back. Just walk away. You're a car guy. Even if you're a gal, you've got 91-octane in your veins, you get excited whenever you hear open pipes coming up the street, and you have a stack of car magazines, non of which are Motor Trend sitting on the floor, next to the toilet. So steer clear of the rabbit limo. Go find a Porsche, or a 427 Camaro, or Deuce Coupe and give it a loving caress. Smell some exhaust, listen to how a real motor sounds when on song. It'll be alright, we're gonna' make it through this, just put down the Cat Fancy.

PCH, Alphabet Soup Edition
I think the NSU is PCH, because the TVR will eventually go PDQ and the NSU looks kind of DOA, although they both will cost so much you'll only be left with your BVDs, so you'll need to CYA by taking out a second mortgage to pay the bills, but then the bottom may drop out and you'd be SOL and living in the car, so maybe the NSU is a better choice than the TVR after all. You'd still be able to take out an ad in Craigslist as a SWM looking for a roommate. Preferably someone with a PS3 so you could still play your favorite RPG and FPS. Eventually you'll need to pay the rent so you'd sell the NSU and put an ad up on the WWW, but no one is interested so you take it to the junk yard because you can't pay the registration and insurance anymore. As you leave you tell it RIP and then head back to your new job at UPS. While there you listen to some MP3s but the boss catches you and saysWTF? and that he's going to fire you. You beg with him and say you have ADD. He acquiesces, but warns you to keep your nose clean or you'll be FUD. You tell him OMG I will, and secretly plan to get enough money back to buy that TVR. LOL!

PCH, Budget Engine Swap Edition
A Nissan-powered Corona is a problem. Japanese industry is controlled by several Zai-batsu family groups, and Toyota and Nissan fall under competing families. Having the swarthy Nissan mill in the demur Toyota four door sets the stage for an entire Capulet vs. Montague tragedy rolling into one little car.
Building a car with allusions of Shakespearean predestination exposes you to straddling the cultures of your friends who are JDM traditionalists and those who espouse the rice-rocket hipster lifestyle. You fall somewhere in the middle, not caring more for one side than the other. For It is the east, and both are under the flag of the sun.
Eventually . . . well, you know the story. It's not going to end happily, but if you've got to go, you can't ask for a better way to go than a tragic demise. And a V6-powered Corona will be a quick and quirky means to that end.
A greater power than we can contradict 
Hath thwarted our intents with this engine transplant.
For never was a story of more woe and pain 
Than this of Corona and her Nissan.

PCH, You Bought What Edition
That über-benz is $42K. It's longer than a school bus. The entire thing operates on 6 gallons of 90PSI hydraulic fluid that costs $67.98 a quart, and it's being sold by a car dealer in New York, so there's not going to be a lot of state regulatory intervention should they screw you. WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE? Like day-old sushi, Nicolas Cage movies and a herpes-infected girl friend overdue for a breakout, this crap shoot puts the odds against you . . . just the way you like it. A gambling man never takes the path, that's for losers, not winners. A gambling man talks the talk and walks the walk, and with an 11 passenger, 6-door behemoth like this, you'd be a fool not to buy it.
If you can actually get it out of the dealership lot without paying extra for the seven boxes full of parts: I don't know if they're actually from that car, but they're from a Mercedes so they'd likely fit, but of course I'm going to have to charge you for them. How about $5,000 for the lot, no questions asked? the seller would tell you.
Okay, off to a bad start and in the hole more than you had expected, but shit, just wait until it's done and the offers start rolling in. Limo services, Consulates of up and coming Third World Nations, Rap Artists and the Palin family will all be clamoring to buy this amazing and commodious automobile.
Much like clothing Shaquille O'Neal, everything for this car costs extra- just storing it costs double because it takes up two parking spaces. A paint job is double because the spray booth won't hold it all at once. And the guy you have to hire to renew the hydraulics has to be flown all the way from Germany, is 78 years old, and requires a nurse and thrice-daily diaper change.
But you persevere. You know that only the strong and the dedicated survive. You know that the only way you will come out on top is by putting your nose to the grindstone and putting all of your efforts behind getting the project done. You know this is right because Tony Robbins told you so on his inspirational tape.
So, in order to economize, you sell your TV, you stop the newspaper, and cut your phone and DSL lines. All of your energy is focused on the task at hand- completing the restoration, getting it on the market, and fending off the bidders to make your big gamble pay out.
Chrome for the massive grill is $5 grand. replacement leather upholstery takes 32 hides and costs $19 thousand. It all takes money and time, but you're dedicated and see the project through to the finish despite depleting both yours, and your pre-senile suffering grandma's bank accounts, but it's okay, because it looks fabulous. You can't park it on the street, and it won't go around most city corners, but you're gonna' make it al back and more when you sell it to the highest bidder.
Opening the garage door for the first time in months, you are struck by how quiet it is. Looking around, you see many pedestrians on the side walks, but no cars. Heading around front to the main street, you see several Metro busses go by, all completely packed with sad-faced passengers, but again no cars. Heading down the street, first at a trot, then at a flat-out run, you reach the only gas station in your part of the city. There on the marque you see the reason for the dearth of cars- REG $11.999/Gal PREM $13.999/Gal, and even worse there's a banner across the pumps saying NO GAS, NONE COMING.  Your heart sinks. Even on the best day, the 600 would only have gotten about 9 miles to the gallon around town, and here there isn't even any of the stuff to buy! You had been so focused on the project that you completely missed the total collapse of the capitalist machine. Heading back home, you pick up a paper. The headline reads "Federal Government Mandates Public Transportation - CNG Busses only way to get around" and lower on the page "Consulates closing, nations unable to afford foreign outposts. In the Arts and Entertainment section you read about how Rap has become passe and Emo- Green music is the new big thing.
Climbing into the Pulman, and pushing the button on the garage door remote, slowly sending the door down, you fire up the car, and decide to end it all. Unfortunately, there's not enough gas in the tank and it runs dry after only giving you a headache.
You head up stairs and put another Tony Robbins tape in the machine. You think about the old gambler's maxim: If you make many throws your luck must change. Sadly, you only threw once.

PCH, V8 Imports You Should Totally Run At LeMons Edition
Hölle awaits you with a non-running 928. You don't have enough money to float both the purchase price and the repairs, but after you tell your parents about your plan to run it in the 24HOLMS they offer to pitch in, but the money comes with a stern lecture about responsibility and ownership of your actions.  The fat-bottomed girl looks just right, sitting, somewhat lopsidedly, in your garage. A new fuel pump eats away $156.99 from your repair fund, and the addition of new plugs, wires, 6 skinned knuckles and an oil change sets you back a good $319.12 additional.
Fresh gas in the tank and a new battery (total $162.57) gets you to the point where you're ready to try and start the beast. It fires up and settles into a lumpy, twitchy idle.
That night, your parents inform you that they will be leaving the next day for a weeklong vacation. You get another sermon on maintaining your decorum while they are gone and not doing anything for which you'll regret in the future. Once they have left, you call your best friend, Miles, telling him that you're going to take the Porsche out let it stretch its legs.
Miles drops by later that evening and you slowly back the car out of the garage. The single taillight, and copious quantities of acrid smoke drifting from the down-turned exhaust pipe do nothing to dampen the excitement you both feel.  The car creaks over expansion joints, and the dried out and threadbare tires make smoke-churning doughnuts in the parking lot of Long John Silver's an easy diversion.
While waiting on the apron for traffic to clear, you see her; short dress, pixie nose and blonde hair done in a retro feather cut. You think back to that morning, after your parents had left the house and how you had danced around in your underwear while playing air guitar and singing along with the old Bob Segar CD of your dad's.  She walks over to the car and leans on the window. "You boys look like you're having a good time." She says all slow and languid. Her eyes, masked by heavy lashes and smoky mascara look golden in the streetlamp light reflecting off them.
"You want to have an even better time?" she says and reaches through the open window to massage your shoulder. "So tense" she purrs, "I'm thinking you could use a night of Nirvana to calm those tense muscles." Miles leans forward and starts to tell her that you are heading back to your house to watch Conan, and that . . . "Shut up Miles." you hear yourself say. The Porsche shudders and one headlamp dims appreciably. "Mmmm, a Porsh" she whispers, "that really turns me on." "Porsh-ah" you whisper back involuntarily and open the door.
Several hours and condoms later, your are in a park and the two of you are lying on the hood of the 928. Miles is sitting under a picnic table, gripping his knees, rocking back and forth and muttering "unclean, unclean, must wash eye sockets!"
"Okay lover, time to pay the piper." she leans over facing you and her mention of piper reminds you of what she just did to your. . . well, what did she mean pay? "Oh, of course" you sputter, "you're a pro." "Um-hum" she nods and holds up her hand as she rubs her thumb back and forth across the tips of her first two fingers. "That's three hours at twelve hundred an hour . . . you owe me thirty six hundred, and I don't take plastic."
"Thirty six hundred!" you shout, sitting straight up. "I don't have that." "You drive a Porsche cowboy, how can thirty six hundred be a big deal? I happen to know a fuel pump alone for one of these is a hundred-fifty." "One fifty six, ninety nine." you say, staring off across the lake in front of you.
She lets out a long slow sigh and then jumps down off the hood. Straightening her dress she puts her fingers in her mouth and lets go with a long trilling whistle. "Hey, Guido! Over here!" she shouts, and a small, hairy man comes out from behind the boathouse. He's wearing Sansabelt slacks and a paisley poly-blend shirt, which is open far enough to display a chest full of hair and gold chains.
"This is Guido, he's sort of my boss." she tells you. "Guido, your boss, of course." You mimic her while eyeing Guido as he twists at a large gold ring on the third finger of his left hand.
"That's right," says Guido, "only I'm not sort of her boss, I am exactly her boss, and I need to make sure she gets paid for services rendered, if you get me drift." He's moved closer to the two of you now, and is standing just behind the ass-end of the 928. "You drive this?" he asks. "Yes, this is the first night I've taken it out." Frowning, he asks "Do you know what a fuel pump costs on one of these babies?" "One hundred fifty six ninety nine." You say again. Guido: "One fifty six?" You: "Yeah" Guido: "And ninety nine," "Right" "He lets out a slow whistle. "So you don't mind spending money on a beautiful machine such as this, but you can't be bothered with the proper exchange of remuneration for a job well done by this beautiful woman? It was a job well done wasn't it? I mean, there was some sort of job involved, please tell me that at least." You're starting to panic. "Yes, there was a job, and it was undertaken with the utmost of professionalism and completed on time." "Just not under budget right?" Guido replies. "Yes . . .I mean, I had no idea, she should have told me up front." "She should have told you." Guido's shaking his head, "Do you really think that it was her responsibility in this exchange to quote you a price? Don't you think the onus lies on the consumer - you in this case - to ask for the cost before making the purchase?" "I guess so" you sheepishly relpy. "You guess so? You guess so? Look, buddy, we're going to have to work something out here, because there ain't no way you're gonna' get out of this without paying. You understand?" "I understand" you repeat.
Guido puts his arm around you shoulder and walks you back to the sloping hatch of the Porsche. Under your feet are torn wrappers from your earlier endeavors for which you are now in such dire straights.
"Look," Guido says, and you can smell the alcohol and Pepto on his breath. "Truth be told, we may be able to strike a bargain here." Your mind reels, he needs a place to let his employees ply their trade, your parents are gone for the week, you've got a lot of friends that have college bonds they could cash in, if you're shrewd enough, you might even come out ahead in this deal.
You shake on it and give Guido your address. He collects the girl who asks if she's getting paid or not. He grabs her by the arm and says "come one, we got calls to make" and then they are both gone.
You are relieved and take your first deep breath since first encountering Guido. Shouting to Miles to come on and get in the car you lean back against the driver's door. The car shifts underneath you. Turning to look at what has happened you are shocked to see the car inching down the hill and towards the short, wooden pier.
"No, no, no, no, no . . .!" you shout as it gathers speed. "MILES! HELP ME!" you shout, but there's no response. Jumping in front of it and grabbing with both hands under the bumper you plant your feet in the slick, wet grass. The 928 is too heavy and the slope too steep and you slide down the hill with the car. Impossibly the car picks up speed despite your best efforts and in an attempt not to get crashed by the German GT you leap on the hood.
The car hits the dock and stutters across the rough boards. Overhead you see the bright glare of the lights and dark sky pass by. Bracing yourself for the immersion in the cold, duck-shit imbued water, you feel the car slow to a stop. The front tires bump against the 4 x 4 footing at the end of the pier, and you think your luck couldn't get any better tonight. Shouting to Miles you jump off the hood, and then the end of the pier collapses under you, sending car and you flying into the murky depths. Flotsam fills your mouth as you try and yell in surprise, but before you know it, the car is completely submerged leaving only twin clouds where misty air was forced out of the cabin through the cracked door glass.
You realize now that you, Guido and the girls will have your work cut out for you, and that your dreams of winning the 24HOLMS would hinge on how many of your horny friends you'll be able to convince to mortgage their futures for one night of nirvana.

PCH, Sochaux Versus L.A. Edition
First off, the Muntz Jet must be saved. I judged the Post-war Touring class at the Los Angeles Concours d Elegance and a Muntz Jet won best in class. It had the original barware in the back and a Muntz wire recorder in the center console, and it worked-playing an old Muntz radio spot. The car was purple with a white top, and the restoration was impeccable.
So your hell awaiting you is the 4-squared pugeoti. Why would anyone want 15 504s and a lone 505? Because you own a taxi company, and you're looking for the cheapest way to differentiate your brand from the Crown-Vic sporting competition. Smooth-riding, roomy French Peugeots are just what le docteur ordered.
Because French is the language of love, you rename your taxi service Taxi de l'amour and paint all the 504s a candy-apple red, and trim them out with crushed velour and shag carpeting. A door to door traveling condom vending machine salesman talks you into installing a two bits-a-johnnie in the back of each. The final touch is a pheromone-scented tree hanging from the rearview mirror of each.  You, of course, want to take out the first car as a "test-run" and head down to the section of town where all the clubs are located. Your first fare is a Menonite, who has wandered into this part of town and wants to be taken back to the Howard Johnson's by the airport. You oblige and keep an eye on him in the mirror for the trip, but he doesn't seem to be affected by the salacious nature of his surroundings. You slip in a Barry White CD and see if that makes a difference, but he only re-buttons the top button on his stiff-white shirt and glares disapprovingly at the ticking meter.
After him, you head back to the hot spot and see a couple of young women in micro-mini skirts and those kind of tops that just seem to hang around their necks and in front of their boobs, bad sadly never seem to fall off. The blond spies you and raises her arm in a hail. You pull over to the curb, the peugeot ticking over rhythmically and seeming to drip sex from its vibrating tailpipe.
The girls get in, and ask if you know any good bars. "Sure," you tell them, "there's the Cat Box and the Fire Hose. . ." They both frown and, after some discussion between them, decide to have you take them back to their hotel, as they have an early morning at their volunteer gig with the developmentally handicapped children. Taking one last chance, you switch out Barry for Prince on the way to the hotel and use your hand to waft the scent form the tree hanging from the rearview but the redhead just makes a bad-smell face and opens the window. At the hotel, you help them out of the cab and wish them well.
Having struck out twice with your new sex-mobile concept cab, you decide to try fishing in a different part of the lake, and head over to the strip mall-lined boulevard known to be habituated by ladies of the night. Sure enough, once you turn on the street, there they are, all short skirts, go-go boots, mesh tops and meth-mouths. A series of small motels line the south end of the strip, and here, at the north, it's mostly 7-11s, dive bars and Libertarian Party headquarters.  You cruise slowly down the street, timing it so you hit most of the lights on red. After three blocks and seven homeless guys trying to wash your windshield, you spot your prey; a man, dressed in a suit coat, jeans and boots and button-down shirt. He's standing with a Rubinesque hooker, in up-your neighborhood short-shorts and a yellow tanktop that isn't working overtime in keeping her ample bosom in check.
They get in and he asks you to take them to a motel. He grabs in his pants pocket and pulls out a wad of cash- mostly singles-and says "no, no, no, take us to a . . . a" The hooker, who is looking around the cab like she's never seen anything as classy before and tells him "Look sugar, you better save some of that for me, otherwise you can just let ol' cabby here get your rocks off." He looks suddenly panicked and asks you "How much if you just drive us around for an hour?" "Half-hour" the hooker corrects. 
Seeing as this is your test of the love-cab, you shut off the meter and turn back to the sweating, wide-eyed fare. Give me $20, and I'll take you on a nice romantic drive down to the waterfront and back." You look at the hooker, who is frowning and add, "that's about a half-hour drive." She smiles and says "Thank you love." As she says this you notice that she's a big girl, shifting you gaze back to her trick you note that he's no anorexic either, and you begin to worry about the shocks, which you never replaced. 
You head off down the black and turn left at the next light, which is blinking yellow at this late hour. The road heads down a good 6 miles toward the waterfront and gets pretty windy. The couple in the back have started going at it and you sneak glances back to see if the cab is having any effect on the heat of passion. Mostly all you catch glimpses of is the dude's hairy ass bobbing up and down, and this makes you a little peeved. 
The Peugeot coasts down the hill, picking up speed and starting to bounce from the frenetic activity in the back seat. At the third corner, you're doing 50 and the tires squeal as you bounce into the oncoming lane. You hit the brakes and realize that the shocks weren't the only ting you should have overhauled. The pedal goes to the floor and your eyes go wide. The e-brake is your next resort, but yanking on it only makes a zipper noise and you glimpse a frayed cable below the lever, damn! 
The motion of the ocean is getting worse and you think that suit & boots is getting his money's worth. You're feeling bad to bring his fun to an end, but have to shout back to them, "HEY, YOU BACK THERE, KNOCK OFF THE HUMPING, WE'RE GONNA' CRASH!" It's no use, you're gaining speed, and your attempts to downshift have only resulted in the car no longer being able to find a gear. The bouncing is driving you all over the road, and the moaning coming from the back seat overcomes Barry on the CD. At 70, you lose a hubcap and the hooker tells your fare that he'd better get a move on. At 80, the rear bumper falls off and she tells him, "time's up fool." At 90, he says, "but I wasn't finished."
You hit the bottom of the hill at 100 and you're going too fast to make the corner onto the street. Instead you break through the wooden fence rail and hit the end of the pier. The broad boards make a thud-a-da-da, thud-a-da-da noise under you. "You can just let me out here hon. . . ." the hooker says leaning forward and unable to finish the word as she sees the looming ocean through the windscreen. Her trick, pants in hand, sticks his head up next to hers and says "I said I wasn't fin..." He too is caught in mid-word as he realizes that he may very well be finished. The 504, still doing about 90, crashes through the barricade and does what feels like a graceful swan-dive, but is more of an ass-over-hood flip into the drink. You hit the water and it immediately fills the cabin. Barry is literally drowned out and the three of you make your escape through the open windows, swimming back to the shore, you stagger out amid the lightly crashing waves. Checking to make sure everyone is okay, you make your way back up to the pier, and to a phone booth, standing under a lone street lamp. You call the base and tell them what happened. Your partner says, "Well, that's it then, this plan's not gonna' work." "Pfft," you say, "I know where we went wrong, and besides, we have 15 more tries to get it right!"

Jalopnik's Top Ten Reveals From The 2008 Paris Motor Show

Andrew Stoy — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Ben's gone to bed now, and the Paris Motor Show press days have wrapped up. Whether you agree or disagree, here's the top ten most trafficked posts from the last two days, compiled in order of popularity from most trafficked to least. Be sure to visit the full posts where you'll find more pictures, press releases and analysis.

1.) Citroën GTbyCITROËN Concept2.) Pininfarina B0 Concept3.) Honda Insight Concept4.) Lamborghini Estoque Concept5.) Aston Martin One-776.) Mini Crossover Concept7.) Peugeot RC HYmotion48.) Mercedes ConceptFASCINATION9.) Mazda Kiyora Concept Live10.) Renault ZE Concept

Les Hôtesses Of The 2008 Paris Motor Show

Ben Wojdyla — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:21:00 EDT

Here we are at the end of the 2008 Paris Motor Show with all of these extra images again in our camera. Unfortunately, we can't use them because those hard working booth professionals (we decided to use the local vernacular spoken by gents in hushed and reverent tones, "les hôtesses") keep walking in front of the production cars and concepts. We don't feel too bad because we know they're doing their job of informing inquisitive journalists of the merits of the vehicles and demonstrating features too complicated for the journos to figure out. While we normally would just toss these into the recycle bin and be done with them, we figure some of you out there may want to see how many shots we have to grudgingly go through before bringing you the best possible coverage from the show.

Ten Best Cars For A Fall Weekend Trip

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 16:00:00 EDT

Fall's crisp winds, wet roads and bright foliage are here. But just because it's no longer summer doesn't mean you can't enjoy a weekend driving trip. Just as the leaves change so do the driving conditions, meaning it's time to trade in that soft-top convertible for something a little better suited to the autumn climate. Below is our list of ten vehicles and ten trips for a perfect fall weekend.

10.) Mazda MX-5 Miata Retractable Hardtop

There's no better way to view the fall foliage than through an open top, but the threat of a cold day means most people keep their convertibles in the garage. The Mazda MX-5 now comes with a hard-top convertible version offering all the fun of a cheap, quick car — only now with a hardtop to protect you and your occupants from the elements.
MSRP: $24,465
Best Fun Feature: Zippy acceleration
Best Fall Feature: Retractable hard top
Best Fall Trip: Drive to a B&B at the end of a road filled with winding curves and have just as much fun driving back.

9.) Jeep Wrangler Unlimited

As much fun as a Jeep is for a weekend on the beach, traveling in the fall means packing more gear. In that case, the much larger Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is a great autumn choice. Plus, the add-on hardtop option will make life all the warmer.
MSRP: $21,985
Best Fun Feature: Folding windshield and removable doors
Best Fall Feature: Trail-rated 4x4 capability and an optional hardtop.
Best Fall Trip: Take a rugged path for a weekend of camping and hiking.

8.) Maserati GranTurismo S

The Maserati GranTurismo S is a fast, gorgeous and luxurious grand tourer in the classic style. Despite its sports car look, the GranTurismo has ample room for a weekend's worth of gear.
MSRP: $138,600
Best Fun Feature: 433-horsepower Italian V8
Best Fall Feature: Smooth, predictable ride with lots of room
Best Fall Trip: Try a long drive through the wine country and have room to take home a few bottles.

7.) Volkswagen Tiguan

The new Volkswagen Tiguan CUV offers the practicality of a larger vehicle with the fun driving characteristics of a smaller car.
MSRP: $23,200
Best Fun Feature: Turbocharged 2.0-liter four cylinder engine
Best Fall Feature: Fold-flat rear seats
Best Fall Trip: If your living space is looking a bit empty the Tiguan is an ideal companion for a weekend bouncing from antique shop to garage sale in search of that perfect armoire.

6.) Mini Cooper Clubman

The Mini Cooper has always been a fun, efficient way to get away for the weekend. Throw in an extra set of doors and a bit more room and you have the fall-ready Mini Clubman wagon.
MSRP: $20,850
Best Fun Feature: Fun to drive but also efficient (37 mpg highway)
Best Fall Feature: The rear doors are hinged, allowing for easy loading of large objects and luggage
Best Fall Trip: Autumn is a time of harvest and what better way to enjoy that then hitting the road and visiting local farms to load the back of the Clubman up with a bounty of pumpkins and squash!

5.) Ford Ranger FX4

Before winter's frost brings snow and ice, cold fronts move through bringing chilly rains that leave muddy trails, perfect for a weekend of mudding in the off-road version of Ford's compact Ford Ranger. The FX4 is light, simple and extremely competant over challening road conditions.
MSRP: $22,850
Best Fun Feature: Heavy duty schocks
Best Fall Feature: Off-road ability
Best Fall Trip: Tread lightly and carry a big truck through the backwoods with a friend, just make sure to bring some good boots.

4.) Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution

When it comes to bang-for-buck it is hard to top the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution MR, which offers the space of a sedan and the road-hugging ability of an AWD sports cars.
MSRP: $32,990
Best Fun Feature: Twin Clutch SST Automated Manual Transmission
Best Fall Feature: Super All-Wheel Control
Best Fall Trip: Nothing says a fun weekend like hitting the track or, if it is rainy, the rally stage.

3.) BMW X6

Instead of dusting off the boring old SUV for fall, consider the BMW X6 "Sports Activity Coupe" for a long weekend in the country. It's as fast as many sports cars and capable on or, as our road test editor claims, off road.
MSRP: $53,275
Best Fun Feature: An athletic design that hides the hatch
Best Fall Feature: Dynamic Performance Control, which keeps the Bimmer planted to any road
Best Fall Trip: With Thanksgiving around the corner you've got enough room for kids and enough zoom to make you forget your Uncle Jake's prison stories.

2.) Subaru Outback 2.5XT Limited

The Subaru Legacy Outback Wagon offers poise, comfort, drivability and most importantly: space.
MSRP: $31,595
Best Fun Feature: 440-watt, 9-speaker Harman/Kardon stereo
Best Fall Feature: Continuous All-Wheel Drive
Best Fall Trip: Football season is here and the roomy Outback will not only get you to the game, it has the room for tailgating gear. Bratwurst anyone?

1.) Porsche 911 Targa 4

A Porsche 911 is fun year-round, but the Porsche 911 Targa 4 is the perfect sports car for Fall. When the weather is nice the glass roof and hatch allow all inside a chance to see the sights. When the weather turns rough the Targa 4 comes equipped with all-wheel drive.
MSRP: $89,500
Best Fun Feature: Glass roof
Best Fall Feature: All-wheel-drive
Best Fall Trip: Pick a sunny weekend and drive to the coast where you can marvel at the beauty through the glass.

Jalopnik's Top Reveals From The 2008 Paris Motor Show: Morning, Day Two

Andrew Stoy — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:01:00 EDT

With Ben all by himself at the Paris Motor Show, we've been back here across the pond bringing you his on-the-ground coverage. Here's everything revealed so far on the second day of the show, compiled in order of popularity from most trafficked to least. Be sure to visit the full posts where you'll find more pictures, press releases and analysis for all the best Paris has to offer from the day's coverage. And check back later when we'll bring you even more.

Subaru Boxer DieselSubaru Impreza Diesel, Forester Diesel and Legacy DieselChevy Volt, Plugged InVenturi Volage ConceptLotus Evora InteriorChevy Orlando ConceptLada Revolution 3 Supercar ConceptSaab 9-X Air BioHybrid ConceptBMW Concept X1