Yes indeed, that's a big FIAT sign down Hyde Street. Who knows, maybe that's the very dealership at which the legendary Martin family 128s (which lasted about three years apiece) were purchased! The photograph is dated October 1973 and was shot on Hyde Street, facing south past the intersection at Beach Street (the intersection looks much the same today, as we can see on Google Street View). The Fiat dealership is now a Blazing Saddles bicycle-rental shop, but the Buena Vista Cafe, visible in the foreground, is still in operation 35 years later.


This detail of the photograph shows a pair of men who look like bad guys out of a Dirty Harry movie. The downward spiral of society, the collapse of law and order! First they take vagrancy laws off the books, then that damn Miranda versus Arizona decision gives all the power to skag-mainlining, parole-violating, second-story-man scumbags… like these salty-looking dudes. Or maybe it's just a pair of gentle hippies, come to San Francisco to wear flowers in their hair- hard to tell from this grainy Instamatic shot.


But here's the part we're all going to enjoy. Once you've established the year for that blue BMW, you can try to identify the other six cars visible in this part of the photo. Most of them are pretty easy, but I can see at least one real head-scratcher. Show us what you got, car experts!

I love found photos, and this yard-sale score is right up there on my all-time favorites list with the police evidence Polaroids that came with my ex-cop Crown Victoria. The sun-scorched sandy desert yard suggests that the location is somewhere in California's High Desert region, which means that it doesn't take a law-enforcement mastermind to guess the origins of the house fire in the background. The question is: what kind of car is that full-sized Detroit machine? I think it has the look of an early-70s Chrysler product, maybe a Fury… but the GM paint shop was a big fan of that shade of Bilirubin Brown back then, so maybe it's an Olds or Buick? What do you think, dear readers?

I saw this a week or two back at a Worcester MA car dealership and thought it might be right up your alley.

It is an near-perfect all-original (less CD player) 1981 Cadillac Cimarron with 10,500(!) original miles. It may be most perfectly preserved example of the worst Cadillac ever. They were asking $8,995 for it.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

First we have this '83 Lancia 037 rally, priced at 450 grand. It's got a 280-horse blown 2.0-liter engine, weighs just over a ton, and was built for one purpose only: to get a World Rally Championship trophy to display in Lancia HQ. It worked, too, with the '83 WRC Constructor's title going to the Lancia.


Does 0-60 in 2.1 seconds sound good to you? For a bargain $350,000, this genuine Ford RS200 Evolution, featuring "600+" horsepower, could belong to you! After the horrific RS200 crash at the Rally of Portugal, the FIA axed Group B, removing the reason for the RS200's existence but allowing this example to stay in like-new condition.


But wait! How about a car that utterly dominated its class in the Trans Am series, with wins in 8 out of 13 races? You could own that very car... provided you've got $450,000, that is. There must be some way to make this thing street-legal, right?

OK, which one will it be? You tell us!

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Borg-Warner Dual-clutch Complexitron (with Hydromaniacal Dynashift and one-touch Premature Paradigm Shift-o-matic) - Ash78

Ooze-O-Matic 404. It would come with a little lcd display for the "Gear Not Found" errors. - Mike the Dog Misses POLAЯ, Too!

Ultra-Syncro-Electro-Lightning-Efficient-Slick-Shift, also known as USELESS - mwood10

Gnashville Knucklebuster - Beercheck (who also thought up quite a few additional good names, but only one per finalist... according to the rules I'm making up as I go along)

The BCK, "Bruce Clutch Kicker", on the column, 4 speed, kicks your ass at every gear change - Franzouse

The iShift.. which coincidently you have no means of controlling other than a single button which engages it, and a shuttle which selects either forward or reverse - WheatKing

Pimpmatic Smoothglide Turbo 600. A 6-speed automatic for luxury cars with an attitude. Yes, it's from Detroit. - Deckard97

Manu-muscu-mascu-mover - for installation in half-restored muscle cars of those who only wish to chirp tires for the babes. - MagicalTrevor (who also provided "Muscu-mascu-matic-mover - for the same as above, but for those without the desire to move the left foot")

The Sweet Clutch-Dropping-Christ McShifterton - BreakMyWindow

Narcoti-flite - Feel like you're soaring above the clouds, even after the heroin wears off! - ranger88

Grind-n-Groan Synchro-b-Gone - POLAR Discontinuuity

Problematic - Scotte

Cryoslide Liquimotion Hydraslushmatic with Arcticgrip Overdrive! - SakinaCabiri

Yes, more Little Tree air fresheners! I've got 25 of these pleasantly-scented little fellas ready to ship out to whoever thinks up the best name for our soon-to-dominate-the-world transmission. And why do I have such a wealth of Little Trees? Well, the Car-Freshner folks were so impressed by my Little Trees In Junked Cars gallery that they decided to help us out with our 24 Hours of LeMons effort.


So, next thing I knew, they'd shipped us a big box of trees, in a variety of scents. We figured, hey, we'll pass 'em out to all the teams at the race, thus bribing them into thinking Black Metal V8olvo = your friend on the track.


Sure enough, the trees were a hit and just about everyone was sporting a brand-new Little Tree in their race car by the time the action started; here we see Team Make:Way with a Sour Apple tree hanging from the mirror.


The Black Ice trees were quite popular, as were the checkered-flag Victory Lane trees... and you'll have a couple of each if your transmission name is the best! With a couple hundred trees and only 90 cars in the race, I've got some leftovers.

So, here's the deal. You think up a cool transmission name- and we know you can do better than Crypto-Slumgullion Octo-Shift 999- and you write it up in a comment. We'll take the best few tomorrrow and put 'em up for a vote. Automatics, manuals, crashboxes, whatever- it's the name that matters!

...you see, I'd put together a special Black Metal V8olvo Team Playlist, containing songs to inspire us as we wrenched our way to V8 Volvo Glory and leaning heavily towards Scandinavian black metal... but then a song from The Stooges' Raw Power came on and it was just perfect. Naturally, we had to listen to the whole album, over and over, for the rest of the day. Look at our intensity in the video above, our singularity of purpose. God help those other teams at Altamont, now that we've found the ideal Wrenching Album!

But that got me to thinking: sure, you've got your album that's ideal for a specific project (and when you're on a team full of guys who came of wrenchin' age over a 35-year-span, from the 60s through the 90s, the Stooges are one of the few bands that can really bridge all the generational boundaries), but what about overall favorites? For that matter, is the album even a relevant form these days? Let us blow off our work on this fine Friday morning, as we look busy for The Man while discussing this extremely important matter! I'll prime the pump with my personal Top Ten, and (though I readily admit that my musical taste isn't quite as cool as, say, Herr Johnson or Señor Lovermman) hope it provides sufficient inspiration to get all of you Project Car Hell vets to share your lists with us:

#10
Quincy Jones & Ray Charles: In The Heat Of The Night Soundtrack

This album, the soundtrack to the 1967 Sidney Poitier film, has just about everything you need for the full garage experience. Scary chase-through-haunted-woods themes, rough-edged blues, weird gospel, 60s bubblegum pop, even a supremely twisted country song (see above). You'll maintain your focus on all those little tiny carburetor bits as long this album blasts your garage.

#9
Rolling Stones: Let It Bleed

Words cannot describe how incredibly sick I am of the Stones (well, words can describe it, but it would take too many of them to do the job right) and just about all "classic rock," for that matter. Have you noticed how classic rock stations always play "Under My Thumb" every 10 minutes, to remind the Baby Boomers of a time when it was considered the height of cool to crush a proud woman's spirit- yeah, the good ol' days! Yet... Let It Bleed is a work of fucking genius when you put it on your duct-taped garage boombox, open your toolbox, contemplate the project in front of you, and follow the "THIS RECORD SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD" advice printed on the album cover. Maybe the key to this album is that the band members were all hopeless junkies when it was recorded... which means it's not too late for their ancient, unspeakably rich asses to redeem themselves- come on lads, you owe it to the fans to pick up the needle again!

#8
The Residents: Stars & Hank Forever

Here's a good example of an album I only listen to when I'm working on a car project. I'm a big Residents fan, of course, but this album's profoundly twisted versions of John Philip Sousa marches mixed together with Hank Williams covers don't really sound right until I have a wrench in my hand.

#7
Dr. Dre: The Chronic

Yeah, every annoying 14-year-old wannabe rebel kid in every suburban cul-de-sac in America was playing this album over and fucking over for the entirety of the early 1990s, and we all got extremely tired of Snoop Doggy Dogg as the decade wore on... but that doesn't mean it isn't a great album for engine rebuilds. I once put together a Chevy 400 small-block with nothing but a cassette of The Chronic to keep me company, and I came to appreciate Dre's storytelling expertise more than ever after hearing it so many times (it's also good for inspiring some musing on the Nature Of The Album and what will happen once that form is completely outdated). Just don't get too heavy into the real chronic while this album plays, or you'll forget whether you torqued those head bolts or not.

#6
Various Artists: Repo Man Soundtrack

From the Iggy Pop intro to the Plugz' "Reel Ten," the 11 songs on this 1984 soundtrack album will have you in the mood to make a quick junkyard run to see if, truly, you find one in every car.

#5
Butthole Surfers: Hairway To Steven

Now, the Buttholes are my favorite band, period (something I have in common with Amy Carter), and I'm perfectly happy to listen to nothing but their stuff for any occasion. However, for the groove you need to get into for a transmission swap, this acoustic-guitar-dominated 1988 masterpiece keeps you focused much better than, say, Psychic... Powerless... Another Man's Sac.

#4
Butthole Surfers: Psychic... Powerless... Another Man's Sac

Focus? Who the hell cares? Yeah, you'll be forgetting where you set that goddamn 9/16" deep socket by the time "Concubine" is finished, and you'll be on your way to the liquor store for another 12-pack after "Cowboy Bob" finishes its work inside your dome, but that's fine. Great wrenching album.

#3
Hank Williams: The Original Singles Collection

OK, this isn't really an album, in the sense that the artist put the songs together in the order in which you'll hear them, but Hank Senior died before the album-as-we-know-it existed. There's nothing like some real country music (not that other kind- you know what I'm talking about) for working on your car; you'll feel like you're hauling the engine out of Junior Johnson's moonshine-running '54 Ford using a rope over a tree limb as a hoist, even when performing just a simple oil change. Now I'm regretting not having made this a Top 20 list- where's the Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and all the others? Damn!

#2
The Atomic Bitchwax: Spit Blood

Here's the one band that carries over to the Ten Best Driving Albums list, though I prefer Spit Blood to their first album. You know the lead mechanic from the oil-refinery compound in The Road Warrior? You will become that man, complete with the ability to fix a bullet-riddled diesel truck with the Lord Humungus' army circling outside the walls, if you listen to this album while working on your car. This one's another big favorite for the Black Metal V8olvo crew.

#1
Psychic TV: Temporary Temple

No, really. I got past my Young Urban Nihilist phase while Reagan was still in office, so Psychic TV gets scant play in my everyday life these days... but I make an exception when I'm heading out for some serious Hell Project action. Temporary Temple is an EP-only release of a 1984 live performance, and its clangs, shrieks, groans, and general Nihilismo Garage air are ideally suited for whatever project I happen to have before me. This one is pretty tough to find (no way was it going to be on YouTube), but worth the search.

Well, there's my list. Where's yours? It's Friday- you gonna let The Man tell you how to spend your morning?

1. Year of Manufacture
You got your Early Malaise and your Late Malaise, and not all the years inspire as much of a Crisis of Confidence.
1973: 0 points. Some Muscle Era horsepower remained in '73, and the big 5MPH bumpers hadn't taken full effect yet.
1974: 5 points. Malaise creeping in.
1975-1979: 10 points. Fall of Saigon to the Iranian Hostage Crisis.
1980-1982: 5 points.
1983: 0 points.

2. Engine Power Versus Displacement
When big-block V8s get 140 horsepower, you know something ain't right. To get your engine's Malaise-O-Meter reading, simply divide the number of cubic inches by the number of horsepower (if your engine was built by metric-system-hoodwinked commies, just multiply the number of liters by 61 to get cubic inches; you can also go and plug in the values at OnlineConversion.com). For example, you have a 1979 Ford LTD with a 351W groaning out 135 horsepower; that means your Malaise-O-Meter Ratio is a ghastly 2.6. Or say you have a 2000cc engine in your '79 Fiat Brava that boasts 86 glue-factory-bound ponies; that means you multiply 2 by 62 to get 124, then divide 124 by 86 to get a lethargic 1.44 MOM Ratio. Yes, yes, Detroit car fans, your big Malaise engines got lots of torque... but we don't care.
Oh yeah, and if you have a rotary engine, multiply the displacement by 1.5 before dividing by horsepower.
Less than 1.0 MOM Ratio: -50 points. Take your Ferrari and get it out of here!
1.0 to 1.2 MOM Ratio: -10 points. Are Porsches really Malaise enough?
1.2 to 1.5 MOM Ratio: 5 points.
1.5 to 2.0 MOM Ratio: 10 points
2.0 to 2.2 MOM Ratio: 20 points
2.2 to 2.6 MOM Ratio: 30 points
Above 2.6 MOM Ratio: 50 points.

3. Country of Origin
Some places were just more Malaise than others. If your car's country ain't on this list, you get nothing!
Germany (except VW): -20 points
Sweden: -10 points
Japan: 0 points
United States: 10 points
Italy: 15 points
France: 20 points
Germany (VW only): 25 points
England: 100 points. Two words: British Leyland.

4. Designer Editions
Automakers turned to glitzy big-name (and not-so-big-name) designer labels to add some snazz to listless automotive offerings. AMC owners should do well here. Sorry, the Versace Lincolns didn't appear until 1984.
Levis: 5 points
Pucci: 10 points
Givenchy: 15 points
Oleg Cassini: 20 points
Bill Blass: 25 points
Mark Cross: 30 points
Pierre Cardin: 35 points
Cartier: 40 points
Gucci: 50 points (AMC Hornets and Cadillac Sevilles!)

5. Landed Gentry References
Add points for the presence of any of the following words or symbols on your car. Sure, plenty of these had been around on Detroit cars since the 50s, but they took on added significance during the Malaise Era. And sure, we know Malaise imports didn't get much of this stuff.
Heraldic crests or coats of arms (e.g. this Buick emblem): 10 points
Country: 10 points
Custom: 15 points
Touring: 20 points
Brougham: 25 points
Royale: 30 points

6. Disco Inferno
Certain options are as Malaise as Quaaludes or 20% inflation- add points for each one on your car.
Tape Stripes: 10 points per color
Nonfunctional Hood Scoops: 15 points per scoop
Opera Lights: 20 points
Vinyl Top: 25 points
8-Track Player: 30 points
Landau Roof/Fake Convertible: 40 points
Opera windows: 50 points
T-Tops: 75 points
Factory CB Radio: 80 points
Red-White-and-Blue Bicentennial Theme: 100 points

7. Performance Enhancing Words
If any of these words or acronyms can be found in your car's name, you get points!
Sport: 5 points
GT: 10 points
X: 15 points
Rally: 20 points
Rallye: 25 points

8. Rebadge-o-Rama
Captive imports and overseas models reeking of desperation! What could be more Malaise?
Small Japanese pickup rebranded by Detroit automaker: 15 points
Mitsubishi rebranded by Chrysler: 20 points
Buick Opel: 30 points
Capri (non-Fox): 40 points
OK, let's find out which car is the King of Malaise! We're not going to offer a scoring guide, just the chance for our readers who own Malaisemobiles to see who's rolling with Jimmy C!

Fine, you may say, but what's the payoff? Why, nothing less than a selection of Little Tree Schwag, of which I still have plenty (thanks to our helpful ideas for new products that we provided to the Car-Freshner R&D folks a while back). You get a T-shirt, a keychain, some air fresheners, a baseball cap, and some perfect-for-any-occasion Little Tree greeting cards!

We'll give you a hint: the photograph depicts a "make one good one from two bad ones" junkyard-based adventure, and the units in question were used in a fairly narrow make/model/year range. Another hint: that car tantalizing you in the background is not the car with which these parts are associated, so don't go crazy trying to identify it. And, yes, there are some distinguishing features that make this a non-impossible task! You guess the manufacturer, the vehicle, and any year within the correct range, and the Schwag is yours!

Actually, these things were way more work than I bargained for- I ended up using 7 stencils in the design.


You get the Murilee Martin Lifestyle Brand logo (thanks to Ecurie Ecrappe for the idea) on the back; the photos below show how the MMLB logo was applied:


First, the Murilee Martin text goes on.


That green high-temp paint stays on pretty well in the wash.


Next, the skull's outline.


Maybe I should have used a darker color, but it's what I had.


Then the eyes, nose, and teeth get applied.


This is genuine gray primer, for the discerning PCH-er.


And, finally, the wrench-through-the-eyeholes treatment. I was scouring the internet for a nice wrench image when I realized all I needed to do was to grab a real wrench out of the toolbox and trace it. Funny how teh internets makes us forget reality.


And, there we have it!

So, you want to show off your Project Car Hell Tipster credentials, do you? Well, here's how you get a shirt:

1. You must email valid URLs for two potential PCH cars to me (murilee at jalopnik dot com). The cars don't need to have a common theme, but it's always fun if you can find a good theme to tie them together. Bonus points for finding car ads in obscure (i.e., non-Craigslist, non-eBay) sources. You do not need to write any copy for the PCH post, as that's my job (but feel free to do so if you're highly motivated to do some keyboard pounding).
2. I must use your tips in a Project Car Hell post. If I use just one of the cars I might send you a shirt anyway, but to be one the safe side you should try to find two really good ones.
3. If I use your tips, you must send me a shipping address. Outside of the US is fine. Shipping will be via the cheapest method possible, and I'll get to it when I get to it, so be patient.

OK? Tipsters, attempt to start your Hell Projects' seized engines!

Yes, it's the Mega Schwag Pack of Little Tree Car-Freshner® gear! Because the folks at the Car-Freshner® Corporation thought so highly of your suggestions for new Little Tree scents, they've sent me a big box-o-schwag to give away to our beloved readers (by the way, JayP71, I have it on good authority that your "Eu de Minivan" idea was a big hit back at Little Tree HQ). The first commenter to correctly identify the year, make, and model of the car in the photo above will receive a T-shirt, a baseball cap, a couple of pens, some keychains, playing cards, and an assortment of the air fresheners that you'll find in every car, kid! And there'll be plenty of additional Little Tree schwag left to give away even after we ship off this batch, so stay tuned for more nerve-wrenching contests rat cheer!

Remember, no irony is permitted with second-gen Camaros, which means no punk stuff makes the cut (though we realize Joan Jett edges into punk territory, the song we present here comes straight from her inner Camaro driver and thus qualifies). Since the pinnacle of second-gen-F-body-ness was reached when they were new enough to be common, yet old enough to be cheap, we're focusing on the mid-70s to mid-80s here. We're drawing from a pool of songs you might hear in a 12-year-old '75 Z/28, with a 406, B&M Megashifter, Holley double-pumper, and plywood over the rust holes in the trunk floor. Feel free to make your own suggestions, though links to some means of hearing your preferred Second Generation Camaro Anthem are appreciated.

This car is from Europe! We're not saying what nation, or even Eastern versus Western side of the Iron Curtain, but we've narrowed it down quite a bit. We fully expect to have a winner for the amazing prize today, given the incredible depth and breadth of car knowledge among our readers. For those of you who missed it yesterday, the prize is...



Yes, it's a genuine Visible Mazda Rotary model kit, in 1/5 scale! The spark plugs light up! The fan spins! The Wankel magic happens right before your eyes! The transmission... doesn't shift (but the shift lever apparently serves as the on/off switch)! We all built the Visible V8 kit when we were kids (I combined mine with the Visible Man kit, so my V8 had internal organs on the cylinder heads), but how many of us had the rotary version? Now you can! All you need to do is be first to nail down the year, make, and model of the car in the photo up top. Is there any connection between the Mystery Car and the prize? Maybe, maybe not. All we'll say is that it's a car from a manufacturer you're all familiar with and leave the rest up to you.

Yes, it's a genuine Visible Mazda Rotary model kit, in 1/5 scale! The spark plugs light up! The fan spins! The Wankel magic happens right before your eyes! The transmission... doesn't shift (but the shift lever apparently serves as the on/off switch)! We all built the Visible V8 kit when we were kids (I combined mine with the Visible Man kit, so my V8 had internal organs on the cylinder heads), but how many of us had the rotary version? Now you can! All you need to do is be first to nail down the year, make, and model of the car in the photo up top. Is there any connection between the Mystery Car and the prize? Maybe, maybe not. All we'll say is that it's a car from a manufacturer you're all familiar with and leave the rest up to you.

Since there's a prize involved, we've made this one a bit more difficult than the last couple. This car was photographed for an upcoming post in the Down On The Street series, so it's a car that was found parked on the streets of Alameda. Thus, you can be assured that you're not going to bust your brain trying to ID a ZAZ, Maepsy, SEAT, Proton, Fiero-based kit car, or some other never-guess-in-a-million-years machine. First commenter to correctly identify the complete Year, Make, and Model of the car in this photograph wins...



A genuine Little Tree Air Freshener costume, made from all-unnatural polyfoam! Imagine the possibilities! Next time you go to a Repo Man costume party, you'll stand out from all the unimaginative Ottos and Buds and J. Frank Parnells as you solemnly utter "You'll find one of me in every car, kid. You'll see." See, folks, when we give away a prize here on the Jalop, we give away a freakin' prize! Remember, it's not enough to get close, you need to nail down year, make, and model; e.g., if the car is a 1981 Pontiac Phoenix, you don't win if you say "OMG IT'S A PHOENIX ALL UR PRIZE R BELONG TO ME!" All that will do is clue in the other commenters, the quickest of whom will give the complete answer, then swoop in to snatch the Little Tree costume from your eager paws, condemning you to months of what-might-have-been self-torture.