The EYSH is a haunted-looking Victorian that hasn't seen fresh paint since Lyndon Johnson was president, and the endless yard sale represents the efforts of the owners to get rid of the stuff left behind by the long-deceased compulsive hoarder who once lived there. Mostly crap, but a couple bucks is a decent deal for a pair of photo albums (one entitled "A Child Becomes A Woman," documenting the life of a girl from her birth in the mid-1930s through graduation from Alameda High School, and the other a 1942 "Service Album" chronicling a soldier's experiences in various Army camps in New England).

I'll probably drop off these photos at the Alameda Historical Society, but first: Ennui Countermeasure! We've got five photographs, each with a car in the background. You must identify all five.

A couple are slam-dunks, but the blurry 1930s sedan might prove a challenge. A copy of the Standard Catalog Of American Cars 1805-1942 will help here. OK, you want to prove your Detroit Iron expertise? Here's your chance!

Here's proof that we're looking at some very early Alameda DOTS photos: using an address on a school ID card taped inside the photo album as a starting point, I was able to do a little Google Maps sleuthing to find the location of the scene in the previous photograph. Fast-forward 70 years and go about a block away and you'll find a '66 Mercedes-Benz 200D!

The cars in the driveway should be familiar to my stalkers regular readers, since I've posted on them a few times before, but the ones in the background will be more challenging. This slide knocked around in the bottom of a drawer for about 35 years, so it features some dust and scratches in addition to the original lack of focus; to make things slightly easier, I've grabbed images of the six non-Martin machines and put them (in their original scanned sizes) in the gallery below. Eight vehicles total- who can identify them all?

Anyone who has taken a look at the Goin' For Broken team list knows that the E30s will be out in force, with nine of them signed up for the race. The lure of the E30 is strong; you can have your pick of countless more-or-less-solid runners for under 500 bucks, they've got plenty of power and great brakes, and the junkyards are overflowing with parts. Perhaps inspired by the "Noch Einer Scheiß-E30" symbol we sprayed on it and all the other E30s at LeMons South Spring, an E30 team won the most recent 24 Hours Of LeMons event. Thing is, the LeMons E30 has two big strikes against it: First, E30s tend to develop maddening electrical problems and clog up the track with breakdowns. Second, there's something about an E30 that tends to turn a normally mild-mannered racer into- how shall I put this?- a raging, super-aggro jerkola on the track, a regular visitor to the penalty box (where we hear more aggrieved "it was the other guy's fault!" complaints from E30 pilots than from anyone else). We don't want the E30s (or the Miatas) to go away, but we do want new teams that are still in the "what the hell kind of car should we race?" phase to consider all the non-E30 options while car shopping. For example, let's say you're looking for a rear-wheel-drive European sports sedan with taut handling, all the power you'll need to crash repeatedly contend, and style galore. Before you become the 743rd LeMons team to show up with a 325e, why not follow the fine example set by the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys and buy yourself a Peugeot 505 Turbo?

The tale of the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys has had all the drama and heartbreak of an Emile Zola novel (and- we hope- the sexual perversion of a Georges Bataille's Story Of The Eye as well), what with the apocaplytpic black-ice wreck they suffered on the way to the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza race in December. You can read LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman's interview of the team here, and then it'll be time to start calculating just how well you think their Peugeot is going to do at Reno-Fernley in three weeks.

The rules of this game are pretty easy: You guess the number of E30s (from 0 to 9) that you think will have lower lap totals than the Surrender Monkeys' Peugeot, and you put it in a comment on this post. So that we'll have a tiebreaker, you must also include guesses for the number of Miatas (from 0 to 3) that the Killer Bees Racing '77 MGB will beat and the number of MR2s (from 0 to 7) that the Unsafe At Any Speed Chevy Corvair will beat. Further tiebreakers will be solved via some unfair method we'll think of when the time comes. Got it? Three numbers, with the Peugeot-versus-E30 one being the most important. Prizes will be provided by the folks at LeMons World Headquarters in lovely Emeryville.
This seems like a good place for some polls, doesn't it?

Thing is, he wants to paint it a color appropriate to its majesty before unveiling it to the world. You see, the Concours d'LeMons is no ordinary car show; organized by the same perpetrators responsible for lowering the collective property values of the automotive world with Billetproof and the 24 Hours Of LeMons, its metastasization of Malaise Era Detroit economy clankers, best-forgotten British Leyland clinkers, and Brezhnev-Approved™ Iron Curtain clunkers should make attendees of those other Monterey events abandon those boring ol' millionaires' toys in droves. The truly enlightened car freaks will hit both the Concours d'Lemons and the Buttonwillow Histrionics 24 Hours Of LeMons that weekend, because what could be better than driving 200 miles in order to watch $500 race cars throw rods in the 110-degree bovine-emissions-scented air of Merle Haggard country?

Given the historical significance of the very first Concours d'Lemons, Junkman is really under the gun to make the Eagle perfect. He'll be instructing the orange-peel maestros at Ohio's most exclusive Maaco to shoot that crypto-Toronado with a color that will guarantee him the Most Eleganté trophy. The question is: what color? Junkman feels that Jalopnik readers have the sensibility needed to make such a crucial decision, so he's decided to make a contest for our readers out of it:

As you know, I acquired the infamous Olsen Eagle several months ago. Since the car I entered in the Pebble Beach Concours last year didn't win, I have decided to make an all-out effort for best of show in this year's inaugural Concours d'Ignorance (if it happens). I believe the Eagle is the perfect vehicle to achieve this goal but, as you can see, it needs a bit of cosmetic freshening. As a result, I have sent it to the local Maaco to make it concours ready.
It's just about ready for paint and, being artistically challenged, I could use the help of the wildly talented Jalopnik commenteriat in suggesting a new color and/or paint scheme. Photoshop or written suggestions would work. In addition to my eternal gratitude, I would reward the winner with a 1/18 scale model of a PT Cruiser and a package of Sham-Wows with only one towel missing. I'll even pick up the postage!

There you have it, folks! I'm thinking a two-tone job would be nice, with Pearlescent Caterpillar Orange on top and Unnecessarily Purple on the bottom. How about you?

The Goin' For Broken 24 Hours Of LeMons event at Reno-Fernley Raceway next month promises to be a parts-shedding, rod-throwing, heroic-fixing extravaganza of effluence. In addition to the Chevy Corvair and Peugeot 505 Turbo, we'll be seeing the pride of British Leyland (MGB, TR7), a '64 Buick Skylark, a Dodge Caravan Turbo, two Datsun B210s, a '74 Capri, a CRX-based Fauxrrari (yes!), a '91 Cadillac Eldorado, and a '77 Chevy Monza... and that's just for starters. The absurdity awesomeness of the still-classified Evil Genius Black Ops Machine will make your heads explode (probably in concert with its own on-track explosion), a wolf pack of 8 Volkswagens will be burning up the track, and the Taurus SHO and Fiero crews will get the opportunity to demonstrate their mechanical prowess in the inevitable all-night wrench-fest.

What's the one thing that could make such a race even better? You got it: legal gambling! That killjoy Chief Perp Lamm put the kibosh on our plans to have the LeMons Supreme Court accept wagers on teams- some nonsense about the so-called ethically questionable concept of officials in a position to influence the outcome of the race having a financial interest in certain outcomes - but we'll be doing all we can to encourage trash-talking and serious betting between teams. You E30 guys think you can beat the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys' Peugeot? And how about the Cape Coventry Triumph versus the Killer Bees MGB- who will win the British Disease Sweepstakes? Money, meet mouth! You'll be sure to find your action covered at the track! As for the usual Guess The Effluency Laps contest, we're going to skip it this time around, due to the vast field of IOE contenders at the Goin' For Broken race; you'll just need to come to the race in person and find some sucker willing to take 10:1 odds on the Monza taking the checkered flag. By the way, Japanfor, you won the LeMons South lap-guessing contest, so email me and I'll get those fabulous prizes headed your way.

And now, the not-totally-complete team list for the 2009 Goin' For Broken 24 Hours Of LeMons:
1320 Tuners, 1989 Ford Taurus
Absolute LeMon Motorsports, 1987 BMW 325
Automatica, 1990 BMW 325iC
B210 Racing, 1977 Datsun B210
B210B Racing, 1977 Datsun B210
Bailout Racing, 1986 Mazda RX-7
Bernal Dads Racing, 1984 Volvo 245
Biting Monkey Racing, 1984 Honda Accord
Black Ops, 1987 ♣♦♥♠♣♦♥♠ ♣♦♥♠♣♦♥♠
Blanco Basura Racing, 1991 Honda Quaalude
Boxwrench Garage, 1989 Saab 900 Turbo
B-Team, 1986 BMW 325e
Bunny With a Pancake On Its Head, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit
Caffeine Unlimited, 1987 BMW 325is
Cape Coventry Racing, 1979 Triumph TR7
Carpet Pissers, 1985 Honda CRX
Chim Chim Racing, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit GTI
Craptastic, 1992 Nissan Sentra
Crash Test Dummies, 1986 BMW 325e
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F., 1990 Honda CRX
Deepest Valley Racing, 1988 Chevrolet Caprice
Deja Moo (formerly GI SHO), 1989 Ford Taurus SHO
Delta Force, 1989 Toyota Celica
Down Under Team, 1995 Dodge Stealth
Dungeons and Dragsters, 1974 Ford Capri
Dust n Debris, 1994 Dodge Shadow
Econo Classed, 1987 Volkswagen Golf
Ecurie Ecrappe Autodenta, 1971 Alfa Romeo 4C2000LM Toppo Tronca
Eyesore Racing, 1994 Mazda Miata(s)
Fancy Junc, 1990 Acura Integra
Fast Times Racing, 1979 Chevrolet Camaro
Festivas for the Rest of Us, 1989 Ford Festiva
Flat Tire Racing, 1986 Nissan 300ZX
Formula BMW, 1986 BMW 325e
Frak This Racing, 1976 Datsun 280Z
Frankenstang Racing, 1987 Ford Mustang
Free Range Racing, 1988 Toyota MR2
Geo Metro-Gnome, 1990 Geo Metro
GFY Racing, 1980 BMW 528i
Gold Leaves/Arcane Racing, 1978 BMW 530i
HALLINASSASSINATORS, 1987 Pontiac Firebird
Hanky Too, 1977 Datsun 280Z
HRC Racing, 1986 Honda Prelude
Huey Newis and the Lose, 1985 Ford Mustang
I Wanna Roc, 1989 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
Junk Yard Kats, 1983 Nissan 280ZX Turbo
Junkyard Dogs, 1983 Toyota Supra
Killer Bees, 1977 MGB
Knights of the Round Track, 1987 Toyota MR2
LeMon Demolition, 1989 Honda CRX
LeMons Fire Department, 1991 Mazda Miata
LeMons Vice, 1988 Hondararri CRXtarossa
Let It Ride, 1990 Honda CRX
L'il Smokey and the Bandit Racing, 1987 Toyota MR2
Lipstick on a Pig, 1991 Nissan Sentra SE-R
Mustard Yellow Volvo Going 45 in the Fast Lane, 1984 Volvo 244
Mysteries Inc. Racing, 1989 Plymouth Voyager Turbo
Old Fart Racing, 1964 Buick Skylark
OLD Fast Auto Racing Team and Son, 1987 Porsche 924S
Pandamonium Racing, 1990 BMW 325i
Phony Express, 1980 Honda Accord
Pit Crew Revenge, 1990 Honda Civic
Pontihack, 1986 Pontihack Fiero
Rasta Racers, 1989 Volvo 740 Turbo
Redneck Racing Team (RRT), 1991 Cadillac Eldorado
Reversed Darwinism, 1997 Ford Crown Victoria
Rockerz in Dockerz, 1987 Ford Mustang
Saabs Gone Wild, 1987 Saab 900 Turbo
San Jose Scalawags, 1990 Mazda Miata
Scandanavian Pricks, 1991 Volvo 940
Shelby "Arr" Model, 1965 Ford Mustang
Sin City LeMons, 1985 Volkswagen GTI
Size Matters By Plymouth, 1967 Plymouth Fury III
Skid Road Racing, 1977 Chevrolet Camaro
Snobs Race Too, Toyota MR2
Snowspeeder Pilots Association, 1985 Toyota MR2
Squirrels of Fury I, 1982 Volkswagen Scirocco
Squirrels of Fury II, 1982 Audi 4000
Stars & Stripes Racing Team, 1984 Mazda RX7
Team California Mille, 1979 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Team California Mille #2, 1976 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Team Can't Am, 1983 Volvo 242 Turbo
Team Chevy High Performance, 1983 Chevrolet Camaro
Team Hurling Moss, 1976 BMW 2002
Team Nerd Herd A, 1978 Toyota Celica
Team Nerd Herd B, 1986 Toyota MR2
Team Red Fluffy Bear, 1986 BMW 325
Team Stimulus Package, 1984 Honda Civic
Team Tread Lightly, 1987 Volkswagen Golf GTI
Team VIP, 1983 BMW 528e
The Cajun Coonasses, 1977 Chevrolet Monza
The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, 1988 Peugeot 505 Turbo S
The UNDERGROUND, 1985 Nissan 300ZX Turbo
U 56, 1985 BMW 325e
Unsafe at Any Speed, 1965 Chevrolet Corvair
USS Tercelator, 1987 Mazda 626
Volatile RAM, 1987 Toyota MR2
WAAAGH!, 1984 Ford Mustang
World Talent Force (WTF), 1991 Honda Civic Si
ZZ Uber Das Driver Presents: Spy vs. Spy, 1983 Volkswagen GTI
ZZ Uber II, 1983 Volkswagen GTI

Here are links to the Top Lemons Of LeMons posts for all the races we've covered so far:

SF '07	Arse Freeze '07	SF '08
Detroit '08	New England '08	South '08
Texas '08	Arse Freeze '08	Texas '09
South Spring '09

And here's a nice LeMons South Spring '09 video, put together by the Poor Man's Derrike Cope team. These guys showed up with a pretty straight-looking mid-90s Honda Accord, which maybe could have been obtained for a legit 500 bucks... if not for the badass H22 Prelude engine under the hood. Whoops! Without that 75-lap BS Inspection penalty, this team would have won the race by a dozen or so laps (watch how that H22 lets them out-drag everything on the straights), but they had a sense of humor about the judicial process and went out and had a good time on the racetrack.

There's no shortage of vehicles that have experienced the Model Bloat Effect. The Civic. The F-150. The Sentra. The Mustang. So, so many bloat victims! Just pick one and compose a limerick, and I'll give the composer of the best one my review copy of The Original Wild Ones: Tales of the Boozefighters Motorcycle Club, courtesy of Motorbooks. Here's a pseudo-lame Model Bloat Limerick of my own, to set the bar good and low:

The Volkswagen fans felt the crimp
When the Golf grew fat as a blimp
But the market has spoken
The scales are now broken
Might as well fully unpimp

OK, what have you got?

There's no way I'll be giving up my copy of Cars Of The Soviet Union: The Definitive Guide as a prize this time, so you'll be competing for the respect of your fellow commenters this time. Before we proceed, let's admire the winning GM Downward Spiral haiku by smalleyxb122:

Morning dew glistens
A salesman weeps silently
Hummers left unsold

Seeing the company that brought us the small-block Chevrolet engine and the Buick GNX brought to its knees brings tears to our eyes, but Toyota's relentless, decades-long purging of anything resembling character from its products hurts just as much. We can only imagine what might have been, had Toyota continued with the sort of gorgeous styling they pulled off with the 2000GT (or even the goofy angles of the Tercel 4WD wagon) while still getting the engineering and build quality to their current stratospheric levels. Instead, the tedium of endless board meetings and focus groups has leached the life force right out of most of Toyota's machines, leaving us with transportation appliances. You can see where this is going, right? We joke about boring Toyotas every day, so now it's Toyota Ennui Haiku time! Here's one to get us started:

Sky Blue Pearl Camry
It lasts for eternity
Death will release me

For inspiration, we'll have a song by a Japanese band that would no doubt be deported immediately if Toyota's current leadership had any say in the matter.

Here's the deal: you compose a haiku about some aspect of The General's long, long fall from his place as King Of The Automotive World, and then you put it in a comment for all to admire. Feel free to choose any examples of bad planning, bad design, bad business decisions, or just plain bad luck from any point in GM's decline (and it's up you to choose the time that marks the beginning of that decline; I'm torn between the late 1950s and the late 1960s, though a good case could be made for a much later date). I'll pick out a winner, and that brilliant poet will get my review copy of Mickey Thompson: The Fast Life And Tragic Death Of A Racing Legend. I'll prime the pump with one of my own:

Endless Iron Dukes
The warehouse overflowing
Put them in Fieros!

Yeah, I know, "Fiero" has three syllables if you're an obsessive enunciator… which I'm not. Thanks to The Old Car Manual Project for the photo!

Syrax guessed 195 laps for the Team Opular Dependence Israel Opel GT, and 260 laps for the Frogmasters MGB-GT. When the race was over, the Opel had finished 180 laps and the MG did 260, giving Syrax a total error of just 15 laps. For that achievement, LeMons HQ in lovely Emeryville, California, has shipped out a fine collection of LeMons apparel (shown in the photo above) to Syrax. We're sure he'll be knockin' 'em dead with that LeMons LifestyleWear™ in his hometown of São Paulo, Brazil. And, hey, it's that time once again – guess the laps, win fabulous prizes! To give you some guidelines for probable lap totals at the LeMons South Spring race, the winner of the race last August notched 512 laps, and most of the top finishers racked up something around 500 laps.


Speaking of "racking up", our first contestant in the You Guess The Laps contest is the Subaru SVX of Team Living Waters Church of Subaru; Beauty of All Wheel Drive Tent Revival. Last time around, this car managed a total of six laps, thanks to a broken steering rack and other impossible-to-fix problems, with the team taking the I Got Screwed trophy after wrenching furiously for the entire weekend to even do as well as they did. Now, everyone knows an SVX should totally dominate on the racetrack, so maybe your best bet is to opt for 550 laps this time. No, 600! My own guess will be a little more conservative; I think it will manage 257 laps before breaking some part you can't find in South Carolina.


Then there's HEAVY METAL, a team whose members keep the pedal to the metal and the CAPS LOCK key pressed down just as hard. All we know about this team is that their car is a '72 Ford LTD… but, really, what else needs to be said? I'm using the shots of a DOTS 1970 LTD to represent what I'm sure will be a Legend In Its Own Time LeMons machine. The question for you is: how many laps do you think it will do? Like most big ol' Detroit LeMons racers, an LTD ought to be reasonably reliable on the track, but anything can happen out there! My guess: 360 laps.


We love Alfa Romeos at the 24 Hours Of LeMons; in fact, three of the top ten finishers in the New England LeMons were Alfas. Those were bulletproof Milanos (bet you've never seen those two words together!), however, and Dog Ciao Racing is running a '74 Spider. Sure, a Spider should annihilate the field on a race track… though for some reason the Ecurie Ecrappe car has never managed to place higher than 18th, despite being piloted by an all-ringer team of ace drivers. Yes, reliability issues and Alfa Romeos go together like the lira and inflation, but maybe this Spider will be different. My prediction: 146 very quick laps, achieved in several sessions punctuated by not-so-quick engine rebuilds.


Last year, Team Ponticrap (We Are Driving Excrement) had a rough time at the hands of race officials, first getting sweated extra-hard by those mean ol' judges, then finally getting put on the trailer by the Chief Perp after spinning out one too many times on the track. The car actually held together pretty well and was quite fast, so if the team can keep their Fiero's plastic nose pointed the right direction… hey, maybe they can actually win this thing! I think they'll do pretty well this time: 498 laps.

OK, you know the deal: put your guesses in a comment, and the fabulous prizes will be heading the winner's way many weeks soon after the race. While you're here, you might as well check out the complete entry list, which LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman scooped me on, from his new venue at Supreme Court Justice Zerin Dube's Speed:Sport:Life. Yes, that sure is a lot of BMWs… and I'm already feeling skeptical about the legitimacy of any E30 coming my way during a BS Inspection! And those of you wondering why that '78 Kadett wasn't on the Guess The Laps list should look at this serious race car, which avoided massive lap penalties only because it's a Buick-badged Opel with an Isuzu engine.

Amaxophobe Racing: 1986 Pontiac Fiero
ambulance chasers: Kia Spectra
Anger Management:
BAILOUT BANDITS: 1994 Mazda 626
Barfing Duck: 1995 Saturn SL
BEAVER HUNT RACING TEAM:
BeerTech Racing: 1986 BMW 325e
Black Sheep Racing: 1987 Nissan 300ZX
Blind Rodent Racing: 1986 Ford ThunderTurd
Blitzenbenz: 1977 Mercedes-Benz 300D
Bread Winner Racing: 1987 Toyota Celica ST
BS Racing: 1993 Ford Probe
Cherry Bomb Racing: 1989 BMW 325i
CMP Mafia: 1990 Mitsubishi Eclipse
CMP Mafia II: 1983 Porsche 944
Coyote Motorsports: 1985 Dodge Daytona
Dai Mondai I: 1989 Toyota Celica
Dai Mondai II: 1987 Toyota Corolla FX16 GT-S
Dawghouse Racing 2009: 1986 Honda F1 F2009-lude
Depends Undergarments Patrol:
Dog Ciao Racing: 1974 Alfa Romeo Spider
Dorifto Dogs: 1986 BMW 325e
Dorki's Craptastic Racing Team: 1985 Porsche 944
DOS Boot Racing: 1985 Volkswagen GTI
Eager Beavers Racing Team: 1986 Honda Prelude
El Pinky Chaparral: 1985 Toyota Celica
EnduranceKarting.com having fun: 1990 Mazda Miata
Euro Trash: 1985 BMW 325
Flyan Hawians: 1983 Porsche 944
Flying Purple People Eater : 1984 Mazda RX-7
Furman/Limestone: 1985 Nissan 300ZX
Greyman Motor Club: 1989 Mazda 626
Grim Reaper Racing: 1994 Ford Mustang
Hammer's Heroes: 1983 BMW 320i
HEAVY METAL: 1972 Ford LTD
Hong Norr: 1986 Honda CRX
Howard J. Turkstra Motorsports: 1983 Toyota Celica
Huggy Bear Better Run: 1991 Ford Escort
Integrenaders: 1988 Acura Integra
JP Smith Builders: 1993 Ford Crown Victoria
Junk Works Racing: 1990 Mazda Miata
Kudzu Kommandos: 1984 BMW 325e
Lab Rats Motorsports: 1988 Dodge Colt E
LeMons Vuittion: 1998 Plymouth Neon
Lightning McQueen: 1990 Volkswagen Jetta
Living Waters Church of Subaru; Beauty of All Wheel Drive Tent Revival: 1992 Subaru SVX
Loose Tool Racing: 1994 Volkswagen Jetta
Mad Bombers: 1993 Honduh Peelude
Malt Liquor Tech Racing: 1986 BMW 325e
more cowbell: 1984 Porsche 944
Not a chance: 1991 Ford Escort
Our Lady of Perpetual Downforce: 1988 Honda Civic
Peg Leg Rum Runners from Outer Space: 1998 Ford Union Jack Victoria
pleasant valley racers: 1998 Ford Crown Victoria
Police Brutality: 1994 Lincoln Mark VIII
Poor Man's Derrike Cope: 1992 Honda Accord
POS Global: 1987 Honda Civic
RacingNemo: 1985 BMW 325e
rbankracing.com: 1985 Saab 900 Turbo
Repo Men: 1993 Mazda 626
rescue 911: 1991 Plymouth Laser
Rubber Biscuit Racing: 1994 Chevrolet Caprice
Rush Hour Racing: 1996 Ford Crown Victoria
SATURN "5": 1995 Saturn SC5 Rocket
Schumacher Taxi Service 1 - American Samurai from Japan: 1986 Toyota MR2
Schumacher Taxi Service FX-16 more masochism!: 1987 Toyota Corolla FX16 GT-S
Scuderia GonzoAlonzo: 1987 Alfa Romeo Milano
sinical racing: 1984 BMW 325
SubarJew: 1996 Subaru Legacy Wagon
Superkak Racing v2.0: 1995 Ford Mustang
TAJ Escort Service: 1993 Ford Escort GT 420.R MK III
Team Chapter 11 Honda F1 Earth Nightmare: 1988 Honda CRX
Team Cockroach: 1986 BMW 325i
Team Fat Bottom Girls: 1986 Mazda RX-7
Team FDonk: 1984 Nissan 720
Team Miller Lite: 1994 Subaru Impreza
Team Non Sequitur: 1992 Acura Integra
Team Ponticrap (we are driving excrement): 1986 Pontiac Fiero
Team Red rocket: 1991 Ford Escort GT
Team Saab Story: 1986 Saab 9000 Turbo
Team Thunderturd II: 1987 Ford Thunderbird Turbo Coupe
Team Turbo Schnitzel: 1987 Merkur XR4Ti
Team We-Todd: 1993 Honda Civic VX
Team WFO "dos": 1991 Honda Civic
Team Z Racing: 1990 Mazda Miata
The Chassis Gynos: 1984 Chevrolet Camaro
The Revenge of Molde Carlo: 1985 Chevrolet Camaro
The Schumacher Taxi Service/2 Half a taxi: 1990 Audi 80 Quattro
Theoretical Racing: 1983 Nissan 280ZX
Thinking with our diptsicks: 1990 Audi 100 Quattro
TORQUELESS ROTARDS: 1982 Mazda RX-7
Total Loss: 1985 BMW 325
Tunachuckers: 1966 Volvo 122
White Lightning: 1986 Mazda RX-7
XXX-Games: 1978 Opel Kadett

First, let's talk about those prizes, which are indeed quite cheap fabulous. First, there's one each Black Metal V8olvo and Faster Farms Chickens team T-shirts. These shirts were designed and printed by South Carolina road racer and über-artist Walker Player Canada, creator of the famous Driveshaft Through The Skull safety warning symbol; you didn't see them at the race because it wasn't exactly T-shirt weather at Thunderhill that weekend (though you can buy your own Faster Farms shirt on eBay, courtesy of Team Captain Belvedere Adrian). I'm also throwing in a copy of LeMons Chief Perp Lamm's book, You Are What You Drive.

And who gets this truly cheap fabulous stuff? SnowBot, that's who! As it turned out, the unexpectedly good performance- in fact, shockingly good- of the Eyesore Racing Frankenmiata, Italian Stallions Fiat X1/9, and- most of all- the winning Metro Gnome CBR900RR-powered Geo Metro totally hosed everyone's predictions, but SnowBot's cumulative error was just 1,106 laps… two laps fewer than runner-up UDMan. If UDMan had been a little less optimistic about the chances of Team Unsafe At Any Speed (he guessed 300 laps, they did 239), he'd have won… but we understand that he's biased about Corvairs, so I'll send him a Black Metal V8olvo shirt as well.

Of the readers who made semi-coherent predictions for all the teams on the list (note: All lap totals are unadjusted for BS Inspection bonuses and penalties. Lap-total guesses for no-show entrants were thrown out. Since Pendejo Racing showed up with a Jaguar XJ-S instead of the expected Alfetta, I just used the XJ-S lap total in my calculations… because, really, what's the difference?), here are the Top 10 rankings:
#1: SnowBot: 1106 laps
#2: UDMan: 1108 laps
#3: Lemons Lover: 1315 laps
#4: SmalleyXB122: 1346 laps
#5: LWW: 1353 laps
#6: Skaspy: 1368 laps
#7: Solracer: 1455 laps
#8: SuperAsiaOne: 1551 laps
#9: Murilee Martin: 1565 laps
#10: Kelly: 1587 laps

So, SnowBot and UDMan: Email me and I'll get your cheap fabulous prizes sent out!

As everyone who has been following the run-up to the 24 Hours Of LeMons Arse Freeze-A-Palooza- which takes place on the weekend after Christmas- the crop of Index Of Effluency contenders absolutely smokes anything we've seen at prior races (and, in the case of the British Leyland machinery, we mean the "smokes" part quite literally). The team that claims the Index Of Effluency trophy- which goes to the car that exceeds all expectations in the most glorious fashion- is the real winner of the 24 Hours Of LeMons, so we're gearing up for an all-time battle at Thunderhill (where, to nobody's surprise, the weather is expected to feature near-freezing temperatures and stinging horizontal sleet).

And because LeMons aficionados love nothing better than a debate on how fast- yet effluent- cars should perform when the real deal goes down, we're going to have a little contest here. Below are the 13 big-league Index Of Effluency powerhouses that will be running the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza- the "Lucky 13," as they shall henceforth be known. You need to estimate how many laps you think each of the Lucky 13 will complete during the weekend of racing, sharing your predictions in a comment in this post, for all the world to see. After the race (probably long after the race), I'll get around to doing the math and seeing who came closest overall (by calculating the difference between prediction and actual performance for each of the 13), and I'll send that winner a few team T-shirts and other LeMons goodies.

"But Murilee," you may be whining at this point, "I like the idea of blowing off work while I figure out the 13 lap totals, as my boss is a cruel, Simon Legree-esque figure, but I don't know where to start! How many laps would a not-so-effluent car manage in this race?" Not to worry! There's a new track configuration this year, with a total length of 1.9 miles (last year, it was more like 1.3 miles). Last time, the more reliable entrants managed to finish 400 laps or more, with the lap winner knocking out 461 total. With the longer track configuration, we can expect to see the cars that don't blow up, fall apart, or otherwise crap out to grind out totals somewhere in the 250 to 300-lap range. Some of the Lucky 13 are really fast cars, when working properly, and many of the teams are totally stacked with ace drivers, so we might just see some of these teams go on to totally dominate the race, leaving those boring Acuras and Mazdas to choke on their dust! Anything can happen out there! Here they are, in no particular order. Note: Because I was short on sleep when I calculated the lap totals in my estimates, I multiplied when I should have divided. Feel free to update your estimates if you made the mistake of trusting my numbers.

Yes indeed, that's a big FIAT sign down Hyde Street. Who knows, maybe that's the very dealership at which the legendary Martin family 128s (which lasted about three years apiece) were purchased! The photograph is dated October 1973 and was shot on Hyde Street, facing south past the intersection at Beach Street (the intersection looks much the same today, as we can see on Google Street View). The Fiat dealership is now a Blazing Saddles bicycle-rental shop, but the Buena Vista Cafe, visible in the foreground, is still in operation 35 years later.


This detail of the photograph shows a pair of men who look like bad guys out of a Dirty Harry movie. The downward spiral of society, the collapse of law and order! First they take vagrancy laws off the books, then that damn Miranda versus Arizona decision gives all the power to skag-mainlining, parole-violating, second-story-man scumbags… like these salty-looking dudes. Or maybe it's just a pair of gentle hippies, come to San Francisco to wear flowers in their hair- hard to tell from this grainy Instamatic shot.


But here's the part we're all going to enjoy. Once you've established the year for that blue BMW, you can try to identify the other six cars visible in this part of the photo. Most of them are pretty easy, but I can see at least one real head-scratcher. Show us what you got, car experts!

I love found photos, and this yard-sale score is right up there on my all-time favorites list with the police evidence Polaroids that came with my ex-cop Crown Victoria. The sun-scorched sandy desert yard suggests that the location is somewhere in California's High Desert region, which means that it doesn't take a law-enforcement mastermind to guess the origins of the house fire in the background. The question is: what kind of car is that full-sized Detroit machine? I think it has the look of an early-70s Chrysler product, maybe a Fury… but the GM paint shop was a big fan of that shade of Bilirubin Brown back then, so maybe it's an Olds or Buick? What do you think, dear readers?

I saw this a week or two back at a Worcester MA car dealership and thought it might be right up your alley.

It is an near-perfect all-original (less CD player) 1981 Cadillac Cimarron with 10,500(!) original miles. It may be most perfectly preserved example of the worst Cadillac ever. They were asking $8,995 for it.

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First we have this '83 Lancia 037 rally, priced at 450 grand. It's got a 280-horse blown 2.0-liter engine, weighs just over a ton, and was built for one purpose only: to get a World Rally Championship trophy to display in Lancia HQ. It worked, too, with the '83 WRC Constructor's title going to the Lancia.


Does 0-60 in 2.1 seconds sound good to you? For a bargain $350,000, this genuine Ford RS200 Evolution, featuring "600+" horsepower, could belong to you! After the horrific RS200 crash at the Rally of Portugal, the FIA axed Group B, removing the reason for the RS200's existence but allowing this example to stay in like-new condition.


But wait! How about a car that utterly dominated its class in the Trans Am series, with wins in 8 out of 13 races? You could own that very car... provided you've got $450,000, that is. There must be some way to make this thing street-legal, right?

OK, which one will it be? You tell us!

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Borg-Warner Dual-clutch Complexitron (with Hydromaniacal Dynashift and one-touch Premature Paradigm Shift-o-matic) - Ash78

Ooze-O-Matic 404. It would come with a little lcd display for the "Gear Not Found" errors. - Mike the Dog Misses POLAЯ, Too!

Ultra-Syncro-Electro-Lightning-Efficient-Slick-Shift, also known as USELESS - mwood10

Gnashville Knucklebuster - Beercheck (who also thought up quite a few additional good names, but only one per finalist... according to the rules I'm making up as I go along)

The BCK, "Bruce Clutch Kicker", on the column, 4 speed, kicks your ass at every gear change - Franzouse

The iShift.. which coincidently you have no means of controlling other than a single button which engages it, and a shuttle which selects either forward or reverse - WheatKing

Pimpmatic Smoothglide Turbo 600. A 6-speed automatic for luxury cars with an attitude. Yes, it's from Detroit. - Deckard97

Manu-muscu-mascu-mover - for installation in half-restored muscle cars of those who only wish to chirp tires for the babes. - MagicalTrevor (who also provided "Muscu-mascu-matic-mover - for the same as above, but for those without the desire to move the left foot")

The Sweet Clutch-Dropping-Christ McShifterton - BreakMyWindow

Narcoti-flite - Feel like you're soaring above the clouds, even after the heroin wears off! - ranger88

Grind-n-Groan Synchro-b-Gone - POLAR Discontinuuity

Problematic - Scotte

Cryoslide Liquimotion Hydraslushmatic with Arcticgrip Overdrive! - SakinaCabiri

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Yes, more Little Tree air fresheners! I've got 25 of these pleasantly-scented little fellas ready to ship out to whoever thinks up the best name for our soon-to-dominate-the-world transmission. And why do I have such a wealth of Little Trees? Well, the Car-Freshner folks were so impressed by my Little Trees In Junked Cars gallery that they decided to help us out with our 24 Hours of LeMons effort.


So, next thing I knew, they'd shipped us a big box of trees, in a variety of scents. We figured, hey, we'll pass 'em out to all the teams at the race, thus bribing them into thinking Black Metal V8olvo = your friend on the track.


Sure enough, the trees were a hit and just about everyone was sporting a brand-new Little Tree in their race car by the time the action started; here we see Team Make:Way with a Sour Apple tree hanging from the mirror.


The Black Ice trees were quite popular, as were the checkered-flag Victory Lane trees... and you'll have a couple of each if your transmission name is the best! With a couple hundred trees and only 90 cars in the race, I've got some leftovers.

So, here's the deal. You think up a cool transmission name- and we know you can do better than Crypto-Slumgullion Octo-Shift 999- and you write it up in a comment. We'll take the best few tomorrrow and put 'em up for a vote. Automatics, manuals, crashboxes, whatever- it's the name that matters!

...you see, I'd put together a special Black Metal V8olvo Team Playlist, containing songs to inspire us as we wrenched our way to V8 Volvo Glory and leaning heavily towards Scandinavian black metal... but then a song from The Stooges' Raw Power came on and it was just perfect. Naturally, we had to listen to the whole album, over and over, for the rest of the day. Look at our intensity in the video above, our singularity of purpose. God help those other teams at Altamont, now that we've found the ideal Wrenching Album!

But that got me to thinking: sure, you've got your album that's ideal for a specific project (and when you're on a team full of guys who came of wrenchin' age over a 35-year-span, from the 60s through the 90s, the Stooges are one of the few bands that can really bridge all the generational boundaries), but what about overall favorites? For that matter, is the album even a relevant form these days? Let us blow off our work on this fine Friday morning, as we look busy for The Man while discussing this extremely important matter! I'll prime the pump with my personal Top Ten, and (though I readily admit that my musical taste isn't quite as cool as, say, Herr Johnson or Señor Lovermman) hope it provides sufficient inspiration to get all of you Project Car Hell vets to share your lists with us:

#10
Quincy Jones & Ray Charles: In The Heat Of The Night Soundtrack

This album, the soundtrack to the 1967 Sidney Poitier film, has just about everything you need for the full garage experience. Scary chase-through-haunted-woods themes, rough-edged blues, weird gospel, 60s bubblegum pop, even a supremely twisted country song (see above). You'll maintain your focus on all those little tiny carburetor bits as long this album blasts your garage.

#9
Rolling Stones: Let It Bleed

Words cannot describe how incredibly sick I am of the Stones (well, words can describe it, but it would take too many of them to do the job right) and just about all "classic rock," for that matter. Have you noticed how classic rock stations always play "Under My Thumb" every 10 minutes, to remind the Baby Boomers of a time when it was considered the height of cool to crush a proud woman's spirit- yeah, the good ol' days! Yet... Let It Bleed is a work of fucking genius when you put it on your duct-taped garage boombox, open your toolbox, contemplate the project in front of you, and follow the "THIS RECORD SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD" advice printed on the album cover. Maybe the key to this album is that the band members were all hopeless junkies when it was recorded... which means it's not too late for their ancient, unspeakably rich asses to redeem themselves- come on lads, you owe it to the fans to pick up the needle again!

#8
The Residents: Stars & Hank Forever

Here's a good example of an album I only listen to when I'm working on a car project. I'm a big Residents fan, of course, but this album's profoundly twisted versions of John Philip Sousa marches mixed together with Hank Williams covers don't really sound right until I have a wrench in my hand.

#7
Dr. Dre: The Chronic

Yeah, every annoying 14-year-old wannabe rebel kid in every suburban cul-de-sac in America was playing this album over and fucking over for the entirety of the early 1990s, and we all got extremely tired of Snoop Doggy Dogg as the decade wore on... but that doesn't mean it isn't a great album for engine rebuilds. I once put together a Chevy 400 small-block with nothing but a cassette of The Chronic to keep me company, and I came to appreciate Dre's storytelling expertise more than ever after hearing it so many times (it's also good for inspiring some musing on the Nature Of The Album and what will happen once that form is completely outdated). Just don't get too heavy into the real chronic while this album plays, or you'll forget whether you torqued those head bolts or not.

#6
Various Artists: Repo Man Soundtrack

From the Iggy Pop intro to the Plugz' "Reel Ten," the 11 songs on this 1984 soundtrack album will have you in the mood to make a quick junkyard run to see if, truly, you find one in every car.

#5
Butthole Surfers: Hairway To Steven

Now, the Buttholes are my favorite band, period (something I have in common with Amy Carter), and I'm perfectly happy to listen to nothing but their stuff for any occasion. However, for the groove you need to get into for a transmission swap, this acoustic-guitar-dominated 1988 masterpiece keeps you focused much better than, say, Psychic... Powerless... Another Man's Sac.

#4
Butthole Surfers: Psychic... Powerless... Another Man's Sac

Focus? Who the hell cares? Yeah, you'll be forgetting where you set that goddamn 9/16" deep socket by the time "Concubine" is finished, and you'll be on your way to the liquor store for another 12-pack after "Cowboy Bob" finishes its work inside your dome, but that's fine. Great wrenching album.

#3
Hank Williams: The Original Singles Collection

OK, this isn't really an album, in the sense that the artist put the songs together in the order in which you'll hear them, but Hank Senior died before the album-as-we-know-it existed. There's nothing like some real country music (not that other kind- you know what I'm talking about) for working on your car; you'll feel like you're hauling the engine out of Junior Johnson's moonshine-running '54 Ford using a rope over a tree limb as a hoist, even when performing just a simple oil change. Now I'm regretting not having made this a Top 20 list- where's the Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and all the others? Damn!

#2
The Atomic Bitchwax: Spit Blood

Here's the one band that carries over to the Ten Best Driving Albums list, though I prefer Spit Blood to their first album. You know the lead mechanic from the oil-refinery compound in The Road Warrior? You will become that man, complete with the ability to fix a bullet-riddled diesel truck with the Lord Humungus' army circling outside the walls, if you listen to this album while working on your car. This one's another big favorite for the Black Metal V8olvo crew.

#1
Psychic TV: Temporary Temple

No, really. I got past my Young Urban Nihilist phase while Reagan was still in office, so Psychic TV gets scant play in my everyday life these days... but I make an exception when I'm heading out for some serious Hell Project action. Temporary Temple is an EP-only release of a 1984 live performance, and its clangs, shrieks, groans, and general Nihilismo Garage air are ideally suited for whatever project I happen to have before me. This one is pretty tough to find (no way was it going to be on YouTube), but worth the search.

Well, there's my list. Where's yours? It's Friday- you gonna let The Man tell you how to spend your morning?