Thing is, these newfangled Elises and whatnot seem to be contaminated by engines built by Ssangyong or Sony or some such place where all the focus is on reliability. As true Lotus pilots know, a real British sports car should be built in a shed, preferably with a dirt floor, and powered by an engine with as much character as the most gratuitous use of italicization can convey! That means you need to get an old Lotus, and- whoo-EEE!- those suckers aren't cheap! Fortunately for you, the same economic meltdown that's turning huge swaths of the country into a 21st-century Dust Bowl is also knocking the hell out of project Lotus prices, and so we've found a couple of projects you can buy for about the same price as a 15-year-old Tercel with a couple of burned valves. Welcome to Project Lotus Hell!

In 1974, a new Elite would cost you close to 20 grand, depending on options. That lofty price tag was more than 5,000 bucks higher than a shiny new '74 Porsche 911 Carrera's, so you figure there's no way on earth you could get an affordable project Elite, right? As we say here in the Hell Garage, there's always a way to get that nightmare dream project into your life, regardless of financial limitations, and this '74 Lotus Elite (go here if the listing disappears) is the proof! Would you believe $500 or best offer? Hot damn! The seller knows the kind of jewel he's got for sale, so he doesn't waste his time or yours with lengthy descriptions. It's a real Lotus, it's yellow, it has a "repaired motor and trans" that "just need installing" and it "needs some restoration." So, you take that repaired motor and trans and twist a couple of wrenches, spend a few hours doing some restoration, and there's your daily-driver Lotus. Easy!

We like the Elite, but it's a little on the bulky side for that true Lotus experience. 2,000 pounds? What a battleship! You need to add some lightness and get a Lotus that scales in at more like 1,300 pounds, and that means a vintage Europa. As we know, demand for the Europa is higher than what you see for the Elite, which means prices are going to be a bit higher. Would you pay a grand for one? Do we even need to ask that question? Here's a '70 Europa with just 56,000 miles on the clock (go here if the listing disappears), and it looks to be a hopeless solid basket case restoration candidate, just waiting for the right sucker buyer to invest his or her entire bank balance and/or sanity a few quality hours in the garage! The Europa came with a high-strung Renault engine, which you may or may not get with this car (the seller drops the intentionally ambiguous statement "Does not run, however, have all body parts"), and a fiberglass body (which means that you only have to worry about rust on the chassis and suspension). Hey, if you can drop a Cadillac 4.9 V8 in a Fiero, why not a Europa? We say it's a great idea!

We'd really like to go with a couple of the German Cheesecake Hell Machines for this, but the shipping costs to your hobo jungle just puts the price tag too far out of reach. Despair not, though; we've got a pair of budget classics for you, and you get to choose between Malaise Era British build quality and Warsaw Pact parts availability. If you're willing to substitute optimism sweat for sanity a fat bankroll, you could never, ever get one of these hair shirts fine European machines back on the road!

Have you ever gone Lotus shopping? Man, they sure ain't cheap! That's because serious car freaks know that nothing handles like a Lotus, particularly one that's equipped with a nervous high-revvin' Torqueless Wonder engine. However, a true bargain hunter knows where to go for a genuine Lotus at a Festiva price: hurricane country! Head on down to Houston with 1,250 Washingtons and this slightly flood-damaged 1980 Lotus Elite (go here if the ad disappears) could be yours. That mean ol' Hurricane Ike was rough on vehicles (we saw some real flood horror stories on the track at the Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons last year), but how bad could a little water damage be when you're looking at a no-frills sports car such as the Elite? Fix some electrical bits here, maybe wring out some mildew-enhanced carpeting there, and you'll be several years and vast quantities of cash just a few turns of the wrench away from driving your Elite. Not only that, you get an alleged two grand in "undamaged by Ike" new parts in the deal!

1948: An Iron Curtain descends over much of Europe, yet those plucky Czechs somehow manage to shove a few Skodas under the curtain and across the Atlantic. 1951: This '48 Škoda 1101 (go here if the ad disappears) breaks down, its owner is hauled before Richard Nixon and the House Un-American Activities Committe for attempting to purchase replacement parts from Czechoslavakia, and the car is parked in the woods near Gig Harbor, Washington. We can't swear for sure that the story went just like that, but the car's appearance certainly suggests a lengthy campout in the damp forests of Washington state. According to the seller, it has "semaphor blinkers," which is pretty neat, and it looks like the majority of parts are still there; as an added bonus, you can impress your computer-geek stoner friends by informing them that 1101 is the binary for 13. Dude! Imagine this Škoda jacked up over a solid front axle and equipped with the "KGB Special" V8 out of the GAZ-23 Volga sedan- you'd have yourself a Warsaw Pact GAZser!

What the hell is a Glas? Glas was the company that built the beloved Goggomobil, but it got gobbled up by mean ol' BMW and the marque disappeared after 1968. Before BMW axed Glas, however, you could buy the sporty 1700 GT from BMW dealers as a sort of Glas/BMW branding mashup, and that appears to be what this 1967 Glas is. The top bid of $260.55 failed to meet the reserve price, so we're pretty sure the seller will be willing to listen to reason, were you to come calling with an offer a couple hundred bucks above that figure. The car is in Minnesota, so the seller's mention of "the usual rust issues" can't be good news, the interior is completely shot, and the engine and transmission are long gone. Don't think of those things as hurdles, though- they're opportunities! See, now you have the whole world to choose from when engine shopping, from tried-and-true choices like the small-block Chevy all the way out to Soviet tractor engines or turbines that run on paint thinner. As for the interior, that's what Tijuana is for! We suggest some nice diamond-tuck Naugahyde in the colors of the German flag. The rust… well, how hard can it be to fix? Thanks to about a dozen of you for the tip!

How much does a running Lotus Elite sell for these days? Plenty! To get down to a price range competitive with that Glas, you need to make some compromises. Say, a car that might not be exactly complete, like this 'early 70s' Lotus Elite (go here if the ad disappears), which could drive- well, be towed- into your life for one thin grand in American dollars. The seller used it as a parts car for his Eclat, but don't let that scare you off; the seller says "most parts i have available." Does that mean they come with the car as part of the deal? And, while we're talking about stuff that comes with the car, is some sort of engine included in the package? How about the suspension- what was left over after the Eclat snacked on this car? Those are small-minded questions, my friends, the nagging of a hand-wringer! Here's a chance to get a smog-exempt Lotus basket case project for a thousand bucks! You constantly almost never see opportunities like this! Thanks to W1ngnut for the tip.