M5board poster, Resinears, is not a happy camper and for a perfectly good reason. Awoken in the middle of the night, he found his garage-parked E39 M5 clobbered by a stupid kid who thought drifting an SUV through a residential neighborhood was a good idea. Here's his account of the pricey situation:

1:20 a.m. Tuesday morning, some dumbass takes his mom's SUV for some late night drifting in my quiet residential crescent. I've found out that what the cool kids are doing is skidding a vehicle by locking up the ebrake. When you're 15 or 16 and don't have a license, you don't have the skills. He made my two car garage into a three car garage. He's lucky he wasn't killed by the accident. Funny thing is that his mom and dad's insurance company is trying to avoid paying because of his lack of license or express permission to drive. That means I could be on the hook. I really don't need this right now...

Both of my cars were in my garage. The impact drove my M5 into my tools and workbench (about 6' forward). Estimated damages to the car are $15k, but I'm guessing it will go higher after looking at the quote and catching a few missed items (didn't get the right kind of headlight kind of stuff). The other car is can drive, but sustained some body damage. The house is gonna be about the same as the car when it's all repaired.

[via m5board]

The 2001 BMW 540i was quite the factory hot rod, with a 32-valve V8 making 282 horsepower. The price tag was about 52 grand back then ($62,000 in '09 bucks), so $35,000 for an example that's had the full Dinan supercharger/suspension/brake treatment could be totally reasonable… or not. This one looks to be in nice shape, although we prefer an exact odometer reading to the vague "low miles" statement made by the seller. It's even covered by a factory warranty until 2010. 500 horsepower in a 3,800-pound car sure would be fun, eh? Nice price or Booth Number Two?

[Craigslist Phoenix, go here if the ad disappears]

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E28 M5

The first modern Q-Ship, the E28 M5 had no competition when it was nonchalantly introduced at the 1985 Amsterdam Auto Show. BMW claimed to have produced the car in response to customer demand for a fast, sporty four-door; a niche that had been vacant since Mercedes ceased producing the 6.9 in 1981. True, AMG would fire back at BMW's high-performance salvo with the lust-worthy Hammer a bit later, but that rodded Mercedes was much more a muscle car than the E28 M5, which really was a proper sports car with two extra doors.

Consider the vitals: The E28 M5 weighed just 3,153 pounds. Its engine, derived from the awesome M1 supercar, was a 3.5-liter inline-six, produced 286 horsepower in Europe — and a choked 256 hp for us Yanks (for context, the M1 sports car produced just 277 hp) — and featured six separate throttle butterflies for quick response. The E28 was hand built and is the rarest M-badged BMW, save for the M1. Factory zero-to-60 times were quoted as 6.2 seconds (6.5 in the US) but this was only because BMW didn't want the M5 to outshine its more expensive (and way heavier) M 635csi. The actual time was 5.9 seconds. Top speed was 153 mph, making the E28 M5 the fastest sedan in the world at the time.

The E28 is also the best looking M5 — by far. The E28 is both sinister (North American version only came in black) and sleek, but also quite stealthy. The only hints to the ferocious heart beating under the hood are a pair of M5 badges, found on both the grill and the trunk. Otherwise, it's just a shiny 535i. Not that it matters, but the European models could be had with water buffalo leather. That kinda rules.

E34 M5

Last week we told you the 6.9 was the camera car for C'était un rendez-vous. The only reason Lelouch didn't use an M5 was because BMW hadn't invented the car yet. We also discussed the 6.9's appearance in Frankenheimer's Ronin. More than one of you argued that these two cinematic appearances were all the arguing needed to convince them that the 6.9 was indeed Fantasy Garage material. Well, then, like, watch this:

Hooned around Paris with vicious aplomb by "Dee-dree," we know the only reason De Niro, Reno and the wimpy Peugeot caught the E34 was because she ran out of road.

True, the E34 seriously plumped up compared to the E28 (3,788 vs. 3,153 pounds), but power was also up. The engine was initially a tweaked version of the 3.5-liter mill from the E28, with a new crankshaft and revised cams raising the output from 286 hp to 315 hp. When the E34 was refreshed in mid-1991, the engine was bored out to 3.8 liters and power rose to 340 meaty horses. Zero-to-60 occurred in just 5.6 seconds, a slight improvement compared to the E28, but top speed (once the pesky 155 mph was killed) was a very fast 170 mph. Can I get a damn?

More important, these suckers were still handmade. In fact, BMW test drivers claimed they could tell from the handling responses which BMW tech had built a particular car. By the time the E34 finished production, BMW had fitted it with a six-speed manual, 18" wheels and mondo brakes. Autocar even clocked the E34 M5 to 60 mph in 5.4 seconds. Finally, as under the radar as the E28 looked, the business suit tailored E34 was even more so. Damn, indeed.

E39 M5

I play poker. A lot of poker. One of the fundamental principles to profitability is controlling your emotions. If you're holding big slick and the flop comes AAA, it's better to quietly check than wildly push all in. But this is a learned skill, not exactly a natural inclination. I mention this because a few years back a red E39 M5 pulled into my neighbor's driveway during an open house. I've never moved so fast, nor spazzed so hard, in my life. There I was, a working auto journalist who had just returned from Maserati camp, drooling like teenager in the beer aisle. Embarrassing? Sure, but if you spend five minutes a week on Jalopnik you know damn well you'd do the same. That's the kind of car the E39 M5 is.

Released in 1998, the E39 was a crack to the jaw of all other manufacturers. Its performance rivaled Ferraris of the time, trumped most Porsches and embarrassed everybody else. Tipping the scales at over two tons (4,024 pounds), the E39 achieved its remarkable agility based on the strength of its engine. Still hand built (thought the car itself was now built on the same Dingolfing line as every other 5-Series), the motor was now a bored and stroked version of the BMW's 4.0-liter V8. For M5 duty, displacement was increased to 4.9 liters and featured Double VANOS. The latter is variable timing for both the input and exhaust valves. This gave the E39 M5 a 7,000 rpm redline, 394 horsepower and 369 lb-ft of torque.

Performance? How does zero-to-60 in 4.7 seconds, zero-to-100 in 11.4, the quarter-mile in 13.2 @ 107.4 mph and a limiter-deleted top speed of 186 mph strike you? And remember, this was in 1998. A while back we talked about how the cliché, "Darth Vader's Ride" was popularized by the Buick GNX. Auto journos turned to a new meme for the E39 M5, "What would God drive?" We've driven this particular M5 and to paraphrase Homer Simpson, it was like how God must feel when he's driving an M5. For the record, Darth Vader would totally rock a black E39 M5.

E60 M5

Chris Bangle, iDrive, more electronic au pairs than a robotic pre-school, the first M car without a manual gearbox, horrendous ride, horrendous gearbox. The litany of doom and gloom leveled at the latest M5 is almost never ending. We know, we know. However, we've also driven the E60 hyper-sedan around a track a few times. All we can say is 5.0-liter, F1-derived, 507 horsepower V10 with an 8,250 rpm redline. Seriously. You have to experience it to believe it. Still don't believe me? Watch this, and don't say a word or think a thought until 1:07 in:

We know the E60 M5 has as much chance of getting into the Garage as Killdozer does winning a popularity contest against Linkin Park. But it doesn't mean Killdozer's not the better band. Anyhow, the curb weight barely ticked up compared to the E39 (an M5 first), with the E60 coming in at 4,087 lbs. This means zero-to-60 happens in 4.5 seconds (though Road & Track did the deed in 4.1), zero-to-100 in 9.4 seconds, and the quarter-mile in 12.5 seconds @ 118 mph. Oh yeah, without the limiter the E60 M5 will do an honest 205 mph. Am I saying that I'd personally rather have am E60 M5 than all the others, even the E39? I'm not going to answer that here, but I will say that I agree with Mr. Clarkson completely:

In the end, as long as one of these wonderful cars gets in, I'm content. Because really, strong cases can be made for all of 'em. Happy Voting.

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The Jalopnik Fantasy Garage, So Far:
RUF RT12 | 1978 Aston Martin V8 Vantage | Honda 1300 Coupe 9 | 1931 Daimler Double Six 50 Corsica Drophead Coupe | Ferrari 288 GTO | Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1 | 1970 Buick GSX 455 | First Generation BMW M Coupe | Bugatti Veyron 16.4 | Ford GT | Citroen SM | Porsche 928 | Jensen FF | DeTomaso Vallelunga | Audi Quattro S1 | Buick GNX | Nissan Skyline R34 GT-R | Honorary Fantasy Garager: The LS1 Powered Rotus | Lamborghini LM002 | Shelby Cobra Daytona Coupe | Ferrari 250 GTO | Bentley Speed Six | Talbot-Lago T150C SS Figoni et Falaschi Raindrop/Teardrop Coupe | Porsche 917 | Audi RS4 Avant | Maybach Exelero | Lamborghini Miura | Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9

Today's question comes to us courtesy of master commenter JayP71. And that's all he had to say. We know there are better answers out there, but we'll play it safe and go with an old favorite. A few years back, the neighbors across the street had their house on the market. I was upstairs when I heard a burble. I peaked out my window and parked in their driveway was a bright red E39 M5. My jaw dropped. Just a thing of monstrous beauty. Especially because painted Clinique red the über-sleeper really looked like just another luxury-first BMW. But if you knew what to look for – those tailpipes and fatty meats – the big red car was simply mesmerizing. I quickly ran down and talked the guy's ear off until he let me take it for a spin. And no, he didn't like the house. You? – Jonny Lieberman

[The Jalopnik Question of the Day loves getting email. Do you have a question you want answered? Email it to tips@jalopnik.com with the subject line "QOTD"]

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How Many Of The Pope's Driving Commandments Have You Broken?; What's The Most Fun You've Ever Had In A Car?; The Jalopnik Question of the Day [Internal]

Once again, Herr Johnson and I managed to spend five hours arguing with each other over instant messenger. Only this time we were not half-joking about DAF vs. FAF, but rather quite seriously calling each other soulless turds over which legendary German Q-ship is better. In the Ingolstadt corner, weighing in at 3,800 or so pounds, Audi's hyperactive precision machine, the RS 4. And from south of the Black Forest, weighing 150 pounds more and making 26 hp less, the car that God would drive if he drove a car, the BMW E39 M5! Davey said that the RS 4 was numb, had rotten seats and a compromised chassis. I pointed out that the RS 4 is lighter, more powerful, grippier, has a better gearbox and is even more stealth. Plus, the RS 4 handles like a very, very wet dream. He explained how the old M5 has a perfect chassis. I said the RS 4's is more perfect. He called me a jerk. I called him a tool. And then we started talking about the RS 4 vs. an Evo. And then Nash Bridges. So, we have bigger problems. But what do you think? – Jonny Lieberman

[The Jalopnik Question of the Day is exactly what it says. Do you have a question you want answered? Email it to tips@jalopnik.com with the subject line "QOTD"]

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What's Your Favorite Color... For A Car?; The Jalopnik Question of the Day [Internal]

My dad's love of classics always bemused me as a child. This was a time of radical leaps in horsepower, performance, styling, every facet of car design, and he was buried in some edition of Pipe Smokers and Classic Jaguar Lovers monthly, with a free anorak with every subscription. He clearly knew nothing...

Of course I was also convinced Baywatch and Beverly Hills 90210 were unmissable entertainment, wrestling was real, Cyndi Lauper was a sex goddess, Soda Stream was a good idea and that dressing like a bad rip-off of Don Johnson would have the girls flocking to my door. I was a child of the 80s and we made mistakes.

And now it looks like my dad can serve me a huge slice of humble pie on the car front, something that won't give him any pleasure at all. Oh no...

See I never quite figured out how we suddenly got turned on to old cars, how the process happened. The only kids that grow up liking old cars lose their hair at the age of 12 and go on to become Science teachers, so there's a breaking point involved — a rejection of modern values that lands eccentric characters on the humorous section on local news.

Mine came, behind the wheel of the BMW M5, at the age of 30. Not wishing to believe it, not wishing to accept this sign of passage into old age I refused to write this column, or anything like it, for nigh on a year. See, I grew up with Bimmers and genuinely believe they were the very best drivers' cars in the sector. They still are, which is even more depressing.

So, with this bias in mind the M5 got another chance, and another, and then the M6 got a crack, but it's not getting any better.

This is the advance of technology in all its glory, a comfortable four-seater with supercar performance. Not only does it come with the adjustable 507 hp powerplant, you can also adjust more or less anything, from the suspension and super clever seven-speed sequential's level of aggression right through to the time it takes the lights to dim when you switch it off at night.

It took three Playstations' worth of computing power to get all that done, and it feels like one too. On a games console you can blow the limbs off Armenian children all day without feeling a whiff of emotion. And you can hurl the M5 at the horizon at such velocity the sound of maniacal laughter should drown out the bang of your exploding heart, yet the World Staring Championship would be more exciting.

I hate it with every fiber of my being. It would be easier to bond with a Korean serial killer.

You can forgive crap cars for being crap, they're cheap, they're comfortable, they have something going for them. The M5 is a mass of muscle and speed, it should be great, yet it has the worst crappy-paddle gearchange, traction control that feels like it's driving for you and Necrophiliacs probably get more feeling, more warmth, from their "lovers."

And this pains me so, because the E39 M5 was arguably the greatest sports saloon of all time. This was a huge four-door saloon with subtle looks, monumental pace and the capacity to take every bend at progressively ludicrous angles, so it had the same strengths.

Yet the old-school M5's beauty lay in its simplicity: a well-balanced chassis, a proper gearbox and traction control that was either on or off. The car changed gear when the driver told it to, it slid wide when the driver told it to, it did everything the driver wanted to. We didn't need all the Starship Enterprise rubbish then and we don't want it now.

But that is the march of progress, wrapped up in one model evolution. And the start of a love affair that I don't really like. In 10 years, probably less, the E39 M5 will be a classic car, and in my eyes will almost certainly be better than anything that has replaced it.

I will be a classic car enthusiast, and my children, should some woman be so unlucky, will look at me as if I know nothing. I can always tell them those school-age kids are 35 years old and those brave wrestlers are far better actors, but such hollow victories will not compensate for the glaring defeat that now stares me in the face.

Kids be careful what you say about your dad's dream cars, for just like his waistline and his hairline, you are staring at your own future. – Nick Hall

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The next-gen BMW M3's T time (in the NASA sense, natch) is rounding "almost" and headed for "any time now." A proper unveiling will likely take place at the Paris show this September, but more spy shots of the coupe version are afoot at World Car Fans. The photog currently known as Hans G. Lehmann picked up on the new, V8-powered 3-Series somewhere in Munich, where black, 415-hp two-doors sporting roundels and leather bustiers, like the hard-looking ladies who hang out near the Hofbr uhaus, are just part of the local color.

New BMW M3 Coupe Latest Spy Photos [World Car Fans]

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BMW's don't burble. Except for one: the last-generation M5. The instant you fire-up the previous gen Bavarian four-door (codenamed E39), its powerplant burbles with all the subdued menace of a late 60's muscle car. Unlike the M5's American homonyms, the uber-sedan's mellifluous melody doesn't foretell a great deal of sound and fury signifying nothing but straight line acceleration — although there's nothing wrong with the M5 in that department (0 to 60 in 4.7 seconds). This Armani-clad beast can take all its speed and shove itself around a corner like a purpose-built German sports car (did I mention any names?). And it can cruise — yes cruise — at a delimited 186 mph.

Unlike its predecessor, the E39 was not a hand-built special; the car rolled out of the same Dingolfing factory that manufactured your basic 5-Series sedan. It's easy to mistake the M5 for its less-capable siblings — if you're not paying attention. If you are, it isn't. Hunkered stance, more aggressive air dam, wider tires, multi-spoke wheels, quad pipes, clear turn signal lenses, blacked out window trim, tiny rear spoiler, sleeker side mirrors, demure boot badge — the M5 signals its sporting intent with the subtlest of visual cues. For many discerning pistonheads, the M5's Q-ship character makes it both absurdly practical and infinitely desirable. As Gomer Pyle liked to say, surprise, surprise, surprise!

Well no wonder. The E39 M5 holsters the M division's first eight-cylinder engine. Mein Gott, did the Mgineers go to stadt on it. They enlarged the standard aluminum block from 4.4 to 4.9-liters, increased compression, added electronically controlled throttle bodies, fitted it with double VANOS continuouslyvariable valve timing, added dual air induction, attached a duplex chain drive for the intake cams, rigged a G-force-responsive lubrication system, slapped on a free-flow exhaust and controlled the whole shebang with a Siemens MSS 52 Motronic digital engine control system. The result: a butter-smooth, torque-rich, high-revving, normally-aspirated V8 kicking out 400hp (slightly less in US spec.).

On the sensible side, the E39 was also the first M Product with electronic traction control. On the not-so-sensible side, pressing a button labeled "Sport" tightens-up the M5's steering and throttle response — transforming a stupidly swift sedan into a totally bonkers BMW. Thanks to the fundamental goodness of the basic 5-Series' 50/50 weight distribution and aluminum intensive MacPherson strut (front) multilink (rear) suspension— tweaked to perfection by the roundel's rabid ruffians — the last-gen M5 can hold a corner like a pit bull with lockjaw clamping onto a poodle's hindquarters (or something like that). Switch off the Dynamic Stability Control and... die. Or hang the M5's tail out like a pro.

The E39 M5 has an Achilles heel: the helm. Although the donor car's steering ratio was reduced and speed-sensitive Servotronicity added, I reckon a recirculating ball system is best reserved for that stupid game in Chuck E. Cheese where you try to shoot as many baskets as possible in 60 seconds. The M5 is easy enough to control, but it's far less rewarding to do so than it should be, given the rest of the car's dynamic perfection. It's also entirely possible to look down for the Sport button, look up and find yourself heading towards something distinctly solid. Fast. Although the M5's brakes are epic, it's always best not to have to use the stoppers, if you know what I mean.

When BMW replaced the E39 M5 with the E60 M5, they blew it. By trying to top themselves, by transforming the ultimate muscle car into a hi-tech cruise missile, the Bavarians jumped the shark. Not only is the new M5's Bangled metal about as subtle as Carmen Elektra in an evening dress at an Indiana bake sale (if nowhere near as alluring), not only does it boast the world's worst gearbox, not only does its V10 engine sound like a diesel at idle, but — Jesus, isn't that enough? Luckily, there are some 20,000 E39's out there, somewhere, waiting for a discerning pistonhead's patronage. Go get 'em boys. [by Robert Farago]

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