What do you do? Some of us might submit to the inevitable stuffin'-n-cuffin' process, establishing a behavior/judgment-themed cause-and-effect connection, taking stock of the not-so-good direction our lives have taken during the booking process, et cetera, but not the resourceful James C. Storie of Muncie, Indiana! Mr. Storie, a somewhat dim light bulb flashing over his head, figured he'd put his girlfriend's 12-year-old daughter behind the wheel- why she and "two other pre-teenagers" were in the van with this upstanding and un-driver's-license-equipped citizen wasn't explained- and let her take the rap. Ha! Let's see The Man match wits with this criminal mastermind! Sadly for the criminal mastermind community, John Law saw through this scheme, and Mr. Storie found himself in the clink being asked a lot of very pointed questions about those outstanding warrants.
We can thank my friend Jessica in Indianapolis for this one; Jessica and her friends play a wonderful game called "Muncie As Fuck," in which they vie to find the stories that most exemplify their view of the city famed for the Muncie M22 'Rock Crusher' 4-speed transmission. The Muncie Sword Slashers mugshots used to represent undeserved Camaro-owner stereotypes were the product of the MAF game. Got your own MAF story with a car-related theme? Send it in!
[Star Press]

This is like looking back on old-timey Looney Tunes cartoons where every other character is wielding a firearm and incredible violence is hilarious, stuff that just isn't done in modern cartoons, and yet, here it is in a fairly modern cartoon. Cartoon kids drinking, stealing, driving under the influence is an interesting choice. Of course, it's wrapped up with a bow as a cautionary tale against the dangers of alcohol, but we all know the truth. The writers and animators got bored and wanted to go edgy. They went edgy enough to get the episode banned from television, according to the YouTube poster. We're not sure if this is hilarious or just weird. [Youtube via Iodized]

Easton, Pennsylvania resident Witmer believes his body is a sovereign nation, and therefore isn't subject to US or Pennsylvania law. He also argues there was no victim in his crime and is requesting a full trial so his case can be heard. He plans to represent himself. A defense attorney who's standing by in case Witmer does need representation reminded him an actual challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed in order proceed to trial. [via Penn Live]

Thanks for the tip, Nick!

The officers became suspicious when they spotted, you know, the spray of sparks emanating from the rear of the car and pulled the man over. His intoxication became readily apparent when he displayed bloodshot eyes and uneven balance, officers managed to get the guy to blow a .20 BAC, and off to the slammer he went. In the pantheon of dumb things drunk drivers do, losing a tire is pretty low, but really funny. [SF Gate]

That's what happened to Bill, California Melee and 24 Hours Of LeMons veteran (and housemate of TheEastBayKid), a couple weeks back. You see, Bill lives in the Laurel District of Oakland, a pleasant neighborhood in a city that gets a mostly undeserved bad rap from the rest of the country; however, much as I (a former Oakland resident) love the place- it is true that it's a tough town for cars. The OPD deals with matters more pressing than traffic-law enforcement, and happy hour tends to be a 24/7 affair for many Oaktown drivers. You're rolling the dice every time you park your car on the street, and this time the dice came up snake-eyes for Bill's '69 MGB-GT. Your classic hit-and-run wreck, with the MG mashed into a tree and the only clue left behind by the perp (probably behind the wheel of a late-70s Pontiac Bonneville) a broken Olde English 800 40-dog, no doubt dropped out the driver's window at the moment of impact. Bill hasn't decided whether he wants to let sentimental value trump rational thought and try to fix the car in a massive sheetmetal weld-a-thon, or just pull all the snazzy aftermarket performance bits off it and start over with another MGB. Check out Bill's blog to get the whole story.
[Bill's Buckets]

We almost mistook Mr. Torn for the crazy guy here in downtown Detroit who tries to sell bottles of his own urine as a vampire repellent, but sure enough, it's the gravel-voiced actor. He was nabbed on December 14th when Connecticut police pulled him over after spotting him driving in the breakdown lane with a Christmas tree strapped to the top of his 1994 Subaru. With a mug like that, it goes without saying that he failed his field sobriety test after giving up on it, complaining that the ground wasn't level enough. It never is when you're three sheets to the wind.

This isn't his first time around the block either, having faced similar charges in 2004 and 2007, with the last case resulting in a suspended license and a fine. Rip has pleaded not guilty to all charges in this go-round. When reached for comment, his liver stated "Are you booze? No? Then shut up and don't bother me." [PopEater]

Shepard was reportedly going 46 MPH in a residential zone in Normal, IL when he was pulled over by police. Oh, and by the way, he pulled over by parking his Chevy Tahoe on the curb.

Of course, that's not the most unheard of action while parking, given Shepard just officially became a senior citizen in November (turning 65). Ha! Old people jokes make us laugh! [via TMZ]

Image source: Los Angeles Times, UCLA Library

The report goes on:

"The citizen became concerned when Ms. Locklear exited her vehicle and stumbled into the traffic lane...the citizen called 911 and reported the entire incident to CHP Ventura Dispatch."

The report goes on to state when officers arrived Locklear appeared disoriented, and after giving her a DUI test they determined it was not alcohol.

"Although obvious impairment was exhibited during the tests, alcohol was ruled out as a factor."

Locklear was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence and taken to the Santa Barbara CHP office.

"She was evaluated by a drug recognition expert, who concluded Ms. Locklear was under the influence of a controlled substance, and could not safely operate a motor vehicle."

[E! Online]

As you can see from the photos below taken by the Transformers fan-boys of TFW2005, Bumblebee was busy this weekend in San Diego at the Comic-Con. Oh, Prime's gonna be SO pissed!

[TMZ, TFW2005]

So that's Valentine's Day in the Valley. Of course, we shouldn't stereotype California's Central Valley too heavily here; after all, Merle Haggard, George Lucas, and Joan Didion (to name a few) hail from Central Valley cities. Not only that, the Central Valley feeds the a good chunk of the world with its staggering output of produce. So keep that in mind when you read this Valentine's Day tale of true love and possible redemption in Sacramento. And, yes, we know it might be a hoax, but let's all just suspend our disbelief, as we so often must with matters of the heart. Thanks to tipster king LTDScott for the tip! [Craigslist Sacramento (go here if ad disappears)]