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Meet Bob Castle - Master Of The DUI
Bob Castle gets plastered on Aftershock cinnamon schnapps and then gets arrested for DUI. This is his lot in life, his calling. We hate to make light of someone putting others at risk with their irresponsible behavior, but come on, 16 DUI's and he's only 38? And who drinks the schnapster and admits to it? Castle is quoted as saying he doesn't have a drinking problem, he has a driving problem, we say you've got both buddy. Actually, at the moment he has neither. A Seattle judge threw the book at him on this 16th conviction (it took until now?) and he's going away for a year in the slammer. We'll put a dollar bet down that says he learns how to make prison wine inside a week. [Seattle Weekly]
offbeat news
Drunk Cop Naps In Squad Car... In An Intersection
Soberness is so over-rated, especially if you were dealing with 100,000 drunken morons last Saturday at the Texas Motor Speedway. This had to be the conclusion drawn by Fort Worth Police Officer Clinton Wyatt after spending his day on duty there. So why not knock back a few when your shift ends at six? And a couple more? And a couple more? No problem. Just don't get into your marked cruiser and drive anywhere, that's not smart . And were you do that, it certainly wouldn't be smart to fall asleep at a major signaled intersection — in the middle of the road — where at 3:49 AM another officer arrests you for drunk driving. At least Officer McDrinky didn't pull a Michael McDowell. [Star-Telegram]
new cars
Because Trucks Don't Float!
It's impossible not to love an ad for a vehicle that includes the statement: "You're stuck on one hole and you're using a vehicle that sinks to get there. There is a better way." Yes indeed, folks, there is a better way to go ice fishing! See, all the time that you spend moving your ice-fishing shack around the frozen lake, rescuing your sunken pickup truck, etc... that's time you could be spending pounding peach schnapps! For you, the folks at Wilcraft have produced the Ultimate Ice Fishing Rig. It floats, it has tracks, and it has a built-in canvas enclosure to keep your schnapps from freezing. Thanks to Thunder for the tip! [Wilcraft]
novelties
The Meaning of True Love, Central Valley Style
Yesterday, while I was
news
World's Best Mom: Buckles Up Case Of Beer Instead Of Toddler
Floridian Tina Williams had had "a few" drinks, lacked a driver's license, and was seen running a red light and swerving across traffic lanes; she played the "I was running out of gas" attempt-to-get-out-of-DUI card with the arresting officer, with predictable lack of success. So far we're not even talking local news story here, but there's more. What catapulted Ms. Williams into the spotlight for her 15 minutes of unwanted fame was the fact that her 1-year-old was roaming around loose in the back seat, yet a case of Busch was safely buckled up in the shotgun position. You know, priorities! [Smoking Gun]
offbeat news
Drunk Drives Lawn Mower in Ill-Fated Booze Run
Sometimes it's so easy to be proud of your fellow statesmen. Let's say you live in Adrian, Michigan, your wife has taken the car, you have run out of wine, and there's a snowstorm raging outside. What would you do? If you were Frank Kozumplik, you would hop on your John Deere lawn mower and drive down the middle of the street to the liquor store to get some more. Police arrested Mr. Kozumplik after catching up to him as he made his way home with four more bottles and a 0.20 BAC. The coppers seized the mower and released Mr. Kozumplik to his home, where he likely finished his bottles and made another attempt on a child's big wheel. [via MLive.com]
holiday gift guide
Booze Cruise Radio-Controlled Car Game
We're not suggesting that folks playing a few spirited rounds of Radio Controlled Highball Navigation are necessarily going to feel inspired to hop in a real car and cause a gory 25-car pileup, but there's something a bit, you know, unsettling about the Booze Cruise Radio Controlled Car. It looks as if you set your drink in the roof-mounted cup holder and then attempt to drive it through an obstacle course straight to your powerful thirst. [Car Crazy Gifts]
offbeat news
Man Who Drove Car Off Parking Deck Was Drunk
Yesterday we told you about the guy that drove his Ford Taurus off a parking garage only to be saved by a few cables that prevented the oval auto from crashing into the ground 200 feet below. We were fairly sure that it was a botched suicide attempt, but we were wrong. It turns out the guy was just totally hammered. More »
news
Plan on Dying From DUI This Holiday? Win a Free Coffin!
A newspaper in St. Mary's, Maryland is offering a free coffin to the first person to kill themselves in a drunk driving accident over the holiday season. The editor's brother was killed by a drunk driver in 1975 and has been crusading against drunk driving ever since. It's a compelling message, though we wonder how effective it's going to be. Though we do hear Tony La Russa is an early favorite. More »
news
Both Jalopnik and sister site Deadspin covered news of Cardinals manager Tony La Russa being a sleepy drunk driver back in March, but now we can see the video evidence. On November 28th, prosecutors in the case finally released the video from the cruiser and booking proceedings. Frankly, we're surprised that Mr. La Russa was able to walk a straight-ish line, hold up his foot for five-ish seconds, and recite the alphabet (ABCDEFGHIJKLMIZMNOPPQRSTUVZTVXYXZ) after two whole glasses of wine and a 6 a.m. wake up call. What kind of asshole restaurant serves wine that shoots you past 0.092 BAC after only two glasses anyway? We love that Ford product placement at the beginning too. Those viral marketers are clever ones.
Tony La Russa Not Convincing in Field Sobriety Tests
Both Jalopnik and sister site Deadspin covered news of Cardinals manager Tony La Russa being a sleepy drunk driver back in March, but now we can see the video evidence. On November 28th, prosecutors in the case finally released the video from the cruiser and booking proceedings. Frankly, we're surprised that Mr. La Russa was able to walk a straight-ish line, hold up his foot for five-ish seconds, and recite the alphabet (ABCDEFGHIJKLMIZMNOPPQRSTUVZTVXYXZ) after two whole glasses of wine and a 6 a.m. wake up call. What kind of asshole restaurant serves wine that shoots you past 0.092 BAC after only two glasses anyway? We love that Ford product placement at the beginning too. Those viral marketers are clever ones.
celebrities
Limo Drivers Beg Celeb Handlers to Keep Clients from Driving Themselves
In one of the odder press releases to come across our desk lately, the National Limo Association (NLA) is pleading with celebrity handlers to spare their clients the embarrassment of a DUI mug shot this holiday season by hiring a limo driver. And while we agree with the sentiment (no one wants to be remembered as the person killed by an old pop star's illegitimate offspring in a drunk driving accident), we question the sincerity of a Limo org that claims they just want to remind the uber rich that may "have forgotten" that chauffeured transportation exists. I guess LiLo and Paris Hilton are too busy to remember about limos and not just irresponsible. The press release is below the jump: More »
news
World's Best Dad: Drunk 13-Year-Old Forced To Drive Drunk Dad Home
So you're sampling the nightlife of bustling Clio, Michigan, and you've taken your 13-year-old son along for a family-bonding-style evening of Long Island Ice Teas chased with Bacardi 151 shots. Well, sure enough, here comes closing time... and you just don't feel up to navigating the ol' truck back home to Flint. What to do? Why, make the kid drive! He had way less to drink than you, right? It's all about safety! But that darn shortcut through the park- which looked like such a promising way to avoid the Clio PD- resulted in a stuck truck, followed by flashing colored lights, stainless-steel bracelets, and a likely future visit from Children's Protective Services. [Associated Press]
stupid criminals
Kids Jump From Drunken Dad's Car
What do you get when you're so drunk that children start jumping out of you car? Arrested! And you get entered in our informal "world's best dad" competition. John S. Felix of Des Moines, Iowa clearly edges out BMW's Thomas Moser for his thrilling act of child endangerment. The local police noticed something awry when they saw two kids jump out of the driver's side window of Felix's car. The kids flagged down police to let them know that daddy was drunk again. To make matters worse, Dad's girlfriends' kids had apparently already jumped out of the car blocks earlier! Felix denied the charges, but would probably accept this novelty mug if we filled it with Coors Light. [Des Moines Register]
celebrities
Kiefer Sutherland Arrested for DUI, No Word On Who Will Now Stop Terrorist Plot
Kiefer Sutherland was arrested last night for a DUI when he was pulled over about 1:30 a.m. in West Los Angeles near La Cienega and Beverly boulevards after police spotted him making an illegal U-turn. No word yet on whether he was chasing terrorists at the time or how much time was left today when it happened. Full report from LA Times below the jump. More »
torino
Whiskey Bottle, Brand New Car: Gary Rossington's Torino
First of all, apologies for the crappy quality of the image above; we scoured the internet for literally dozens of minutes and this was the best we could do. Since we've decided to follow up International Corinthian Leather Day with Intergalactic Malaise Era Torino Day, it's only right that we mention one of the most famous Torinos of them all: the 1976 Torino (equipped with vinyl top, of course) that Lynyrd Skynyrd guitarist Gary Rossington rammed into a tree, a telephone pole, and a house after passing out drunk behind the wheel. This incident served as the inspiration for the 70s "do as I say, not as I do" anthem "That Smell." [Official Lynyrd Skynyrd History Site]
news
Legless Drunk Steers Truck While Legged Drunk Works Pedals
So who's actually driving the vehicle, legally speaking, when one guy's at the wheel and another is operating the pedals? And what if the guy at the wheel has no legs? Sadly, the case of Harvey Miller and Edwin H. Marzinske won't be the one that goes all the way to the Supreme Court for a ruling on this burning legal issue, because both of them were schnockered when they tried to drive a Chevy truck home from their Blatz-chugging Wisconsin revelry. [International Herald Tribune]
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