What do you do? Some of us might submit to the inevitable stuffin'-n-cuffin' process, establishing a behavior/judgment-themed cause-and-effect connection, taking stock of the not-so-good direction our lives have taken during the booking process, et cetera, but not the resourceful James C. Storie of Muncie, Indiana! Mr. Storie, a somewhat dim light bulb flashing over his head, figured he'd put his girlfriend's 12-year-old daughter behind the wheel- why she and "two other pre-teenagers" were in the van with this upstanding and un-driver's-license-equipped citizen wasn't explained- and let her take the rap. Ha! Let's see The Man match wits with this criminal mastermind! Sadly for the criminal mastermind community, John Law saw through this scheme, and Mr. Storie found himself in the clink being asked a lot of very pointed questions about those outstanding warrants.
We can thank my friend Jessica in Indianapolis for this one; Jessica and her friends play a wonderful game called "Muncie As Fuck," in which they vie to find the stories that most exemplify their view of the city famed for the Muncie M22 'Rock Crusher' 4-speed transmission. The Muncie Sword Slashers mugshots used to represent undeserved Camaro-owner stereotypes were the product of the MAF game. Got your own MAF story with a car-related theme? Send it in!
[Star Press]

It sounds like the end of every story that starts out with tequila, but Mr. Schultz was pulled over for speeding yesterday and the officer on the scene couldn't help but notice the booze on his breath and his total lack of pants and skivvies. He was hiding his shame with a towel, though it wasn't completely doing the job. When asked where his pants were, he simply said he'd lost them. The officer did not find the missing pants in the car. Schulz is facing drunk driving charges, and will be forced to tell this story for all of eternity. [MSNBC]

Sgt. Joseph Spiekerman, 43, was arrested on the Upper East Side June 29th after mowing down Barry Gintel, 68, who had just purchased his morning coffee and a few rolls. The officer ran a red light in his Volvo and struck Gintel, who flew up to 20 feet according to an eye witness. When officers arrived at the scene, they noted Spiekerman's blood shot eyes and detected booze on his breath, which led to his arrest. Gintel was rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital where he underwent emergency surgery for two broken legs, broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and head and neck injuries. Gintel is currently recovering without comment, though we suspect his lawyer will have something to say eventually. [NY Post]

DeWitt, who played the character Janet Wood on the 70's sitcom "Three's Company," was pulled over when she ran a barricade in the Southern California town of El Segundo (which is only about a 20 minute drive from where the show was set in Santa Monica). The officer on the scene observed clues she'd been imbibing and administered a field sobriety test. She was of course over the limit and arrested, booked, and released later. [Freep]

Former Jalopnik contributor Mike Austin wired a Racelogic VBOX III data logger C&D's long-term Honda Pilot, recording vehicle speed via the VBOX's GPS antenna and brake-pedal position and steering angle via the Pilot's OBD II port. He then wired a red light to the windshield to play the role of brake lights from an imaginary car ahead of the Pilot. When the red light lit up, the driver's supposed to hit the brakes.

Each trial, one with C&D young buck Jordan Brown and his trusty iPhone, the other with old man Eddie Alterman and a Samsung Alias (we're assuming he hasn't yet received his Hachette-assigned Blackberry yet), would have the driver respond five times to the light, and the slowest reaction time — the time between activation of the light and driver hitting the brakes — was dropped.hey'd

How'd they fare? Let's let Mike tell us how Jordan Brown fared:

Intern Brown's baseline reaction time at 35 mph of 0.45 second worsened to 0.57 while reading a text, improved to 0.52 while writing a text, and returned almost to the baseline while impaired by alcohol, at 0.46. At 70 mph, his baseline reaction was 0.39 second, while the reading (0.50), texting (0.48), and drinking (0.50) numbers were similar. But the averages don't tell the whole story. Looking at Jordan's slowest reaction time at 35 mph, he traveled an extra 21 feet (more than a car length) before hitting the brakes while reading and went 16 feet longer while texting. At 70 mph, a vehicle travels 103 feet every second, and Brown's worst reaction time while reading at that speed put him about 30 feet (31 while typing) farther down the road versus 15 feet while drunk."

And C&D head honcho Eddie Alterman? He fared much worse.

While reading a text and driving at 35 mph, his average baseline reaction time of 0.57 second nearly tripled, to 1.44 seconds. While texting, his response time was 1.36 seconds. These figures correspond to an extra 45 and 41 feet, respectively, before hitting the brakes. His reaction time after drinking averaged 0.64 second and, by comparison, added only seven feet.

The results at 70 mph were similar: Alterman's response time while reading a text was 0.35 second longer than his base performance of 0.56 second, and writing a text added 0.68 second to his reaction time. But his intoxicated number increased only 0.04 second over the base score, to a total of 0.60 second.

So what does this mean — which is worse? It seems to us that if you are young and virile, it's safer to be drunk driving than it is to be texting while driving, simply because you're spending more time looking at the road even if you're inebriated. If, however, you're old n' busted, it's safer to be driven by one of those short community home vans. Also, they shouldn't be texting while driving because it's hard for them to see the little buttons to press. Silly old people — stick to drinking, not texting.

We've got video from this morning's Today Show where Mike and Eddie show Phil LeBeau how to hold a whiskey bottle properly behind the wheel coming shortly. Want to read more — head over to CarandDriver.

UPDATE: Now we've got video from today's Today Show appearance. Watch in amazement as Mike Austin gets, literally, like eight words in edge-wise! But yes, that's right, he did say Phil LeBeau did terrible!

This is like looking back on old-timey Looney Tunes cartoons where every other character is wielding a firearm and incredible violence is hilarious, stuff that just isn't done in modern cartoons, and yet, here it is in a fairly modern cartoon. Cartoon kids drinking, stealing, driving under the influence is an interesting choice. Of course, it's wrapped up with a bow as a cautionary tale against the dangers of alcohol, but we all know the truth. The writers and animators got bored and wanted to go edgy. They went edgy enough to get the episode banned from television, according to the YouTube poster. We're not sure if this is hilarious or just weird. [Youtube via Iodized]

Mr. Sabold needs to go to jail for a mixture of driving while intoxicated and destroying a perfectly good exotic car (we think a Ferrari 575). The 911 operator, who sounds like my 5th grade bus driver, needs to get an award for putting the pieces together and talking the drunk loser out of his car before the train turns into an expensive Italian paperweight.

In addition to wrecking his car, the owner is happy to give his location and full name to the police, despite knowing he's probably drunk and now subject to arrest. The lack of self preservation instinct is overwhelming.

UPDATE: Turns out the Ferrari driver is the owner of Automotive Concepts, the "number one source for Luxury Automobile Service in the Dallas - Fort Worth area." Hilariously, his company bio states "[Jeff] has a passion of not only taking care of your luxury vehicle, but doing it right the first time."

Thanks Garrett & Lee for the tip!

[KXII]

Easton, Pennsylvania resident Witmer believes his body is a sovereign nation, and therefore isn't subject to US or Pennsylvania law. He also argues there was no victim in his crime and is requesting a full trial so his case can be heard. He plans to represent himself. A defense attorney who's standing by in case Witmer does need representation reminded him an actual challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed in order proceed to trial. [via Penn Live]

Thanks for the tip, Nick!

The officers became suspicious when they spotted, you know, the spray of sparks emanating from the rear of the car and pulled the man over. His intoxication became readily apparent when he displayed bloodshot eyes and uneven balance, officers managed to get the guy to blow a .20 BAC, and off to the slammer he went. In the pantheon of dumb things drunk drivers do, losing a tire is pretty low, but really funny. [SF Gate]

According to UPI, the man pulled over into a parking lot and waited for the officers to arrive. He of course, was arrested.

We appreciate the fact that this guy realized his mistake and wanted to pull of the road, but he just epic failed himself. Wouldn't a cab or even a hotel been cheaper than getting arrested? We hope his second call is to an AA meeting or rehab.

[CL via UPI]

Wrecked cars are a common site at high schools across the country, set up by local police to remind kids about the risks of chugging a few brewskis then hopping behind the wheel of their Jeep Wranglers, but Thai police are really taking it to the next level. Not only are the bloody motorcyclist and dismembered driver frightening, but morbidly comical too.

We asked our resident at-risk-youth, Andrew Didorosi, if such a deterrent would influence him. His response was, "If anything, id be staring at that and probably crash."

Photography credit: Gary Inman

The girl was pulled over last Tuesday outside of Whangarei after police noticed erratic driving, when asked for identification she provided none, and then gave a false name which she then could not spell. At that point the delicate young flower was taken into custody and when a breathalyzer test was administered at the station, she managed 828 micrograms when 150 mcg is the legal limit for drivers above 15 and under 20. Needless to say she's been remitted to Youth Aid services where calls from the Maury Povich show have been coming in hard and fast. [Stuff.co.nz]

What we do know is the campaign puts cleverly designed blood-shot googly eye hubcaps on the fleet of VW Beetles piloted around large events, reminding imbibers to stay away from the steering wheel. But since the language on the side is English, it must be the Englsh speakers at German events causing all the trouble. Darn those Anglophiles! [Copyranter]

File this one under "What Where You Thinking?" After an argument with his wife, Imran Hussain got belligerently drunk and after attempts to secure a prostitute failed, pleasured himself while driving in his Audi Q7. Everything was fine and dandy until he crashed into the back of a Fiat Punto at speed, killing Gary Proctor, 47, and son James, 16, and seriously injuring wife Catherine, age 44.

First responders reported Hussain fleeing the scene with his erect member exposed and hurling insults towards onlookers. It's doubtful there are words in the English language to properly berate this kind of irresponsible asshatery, but Hussain has been sentenced to eight years in jail, which is breathtakingly brief for such record-breaking levels of douchebaggery. [BBC.co.uk]

Image source: Los Angeles Times, UCLA Library

According to Dr. Ashley Christmas of the Carolinas Medical Center in Charlotte, NC:

Upon questioning, we learned that many of these individuals had previously had their drivers' licenses revoked. These patients were very in tune to the fact that a moped was defined as a motorized vehicle with an engine less than 50 cubic centimeters, so they knew they could still drive this vehicle without a license. We suspect that many moped operators are repeat offenders, whose licenses were previously revoked.

Have we stumbled upon a solution for one of society's great ills? Get a DUI, get sentenced to driving only scooters. We'd much rather be T-boned by a drunk driving 100 pounds of plastic at 30 MPH than an Expedition. They'd have to be Sprees, of course. [PRNewswire, Sub. Req.; Photo Credit: Geekologie.com

All five individuals where released from the hospital with minor injuries, and Lewis and Evans both went to jail for charges ranging from child endangerment and neglect to DUI, a charge which can be levied in Tennessee even if you aren't behind the wheel. After a performance like that, we sincerely hope nobody ever buys that dad a beer ever again. [WSBTV]

Boppre elected to celebrate Wednesday by getting drunk, and in an obviously solid cognitive state, decided to hop into his truck and go find a prostitute. Lady of the night found, Boppre decided smoking some crack with his new friend was a smashing idea, as was taking off their clothes and masturbating. And driving around. Speeding. Somewhere during the execution of this plan, Boppre misjudged a corner and crashed into a parked car at high speed. Car disabled, Boppre then grabbed his clothes and ran off like a streak in the night. His cunning plan was ruined when eye-witnesses followed him to a hiding spot and pointed the cops in his direction.

So what's next for Mr. James Boppre? Well, the judge in the case wanted to reward what he considered Boppre's good behavio, at least up to that point. He had managed to stay out of trouble up until his... you know... his booze, crack, hooker and car crashing binge — so the judge levied the minimum four-month jail sentence, prohibited him from driving for five years, added three years of probation and recommended counseling. We recommend sending this guy into the Yukon Territory with a shotgun, a fifth of Wild Turkey and a rubber chicken, just to see what happens. [TheRecord]