Former Jalopnik contributor Mike Austin wired a Racelogic VBOX III data logger C&D's long-term Honda Pilot, recording vehicle speed via the VBOX's GPS antenna and brake-pedal position and steering angle via the Pilot's OBD II port. He then wired a red light to the windshield to play the role of brake lights from an imaginary car ahead of the Pilot. When the red light lit up, the driver's supposed to hit the brakes.

Each trial, one with C&D young buck Jordan Brown and his trusty iPhone, the other with old man Eddie Alterman and a Samsung Alias (we're assuming he hasn't yet received his Hachette-assigned Blackberry yet), would have the driver respond five times to the light, and the slowest reaction time — the time between activation of the light and driver hitting the brakes — was dropped.hey'd

How'd they fare? Let's let Mike tell us how Jordan Brown fared:

Intern Brown's baseline reaction time at 35 mph of 0.45 second worsened to 0.57 while reading a text, improved to 0.52 while writing a text, and returned almost to the baseline while impaired by alcohol, at 0.46. At 70 mph, his baseline reaction was 0.39 second, while the reading (0.50), texting (0.48), and drinking (0.50) numbers were similar. But the averages don't tell the whole story. Looking at Jordan's slowest reaction time at 35 mph, he traveled an extra 21 feet (more than a car length) before hitting the brakes while reading and went 16 feet longer while texting. At 70 mph, a vehicle travels 103 feet every second, and Brown's worst reaction time while reading at that speed put him about 30 feet (31 while typing) farther down the road versus 15 feet while drunk."

And C&D head honcho Eddie Alterman? He fared much worse.

While reading a text and driving at 35 mph, his average baseline reaction time of 0.57 second nearly tripled, to 1.44 seconds. While texting, his response time was 1.36 seconds. These figures correspond to an extra 45 and 41 feet, respectively, before hitting the brakes. His reaction time after drinking averaged 0.64 second and, by comparison, added only seven feet.

The results at 70 mph were similar: Alterman's response time while reading a text was 0.35 second longer than his base performance of 0.56 second, and writing a text added 0.68 second to his reaction time. But his intoxicated number increased only 0.04 second over the base score, to a total of 0.60 second.

So what does this mean — which is worse? It seems to us that if you are young and virile, it's safer to be drunk driving than it is to be texting while driving, simply because you're spending more time looking at the road even if you're inebriated. If, however, you're old n' busted, it's safer to be driven by one of those short community home vans. Also, they shouldn't be texting while driving because it's hard for them to see the little buttons to press. Silly old people — stick to drinking, not texting.

We've got video from this morning's Today Show where Mike and Eddie show Phil LeBeau how to hold a whiskey bottle properly behind the wheel coming shortly. Want to read more — head over to CarandDriver.

UPDATE: Now we've got video from today's Today Show appearance. Watch in amazement as Mike Austin gets, literally, like eight words in edge-wise! But yes, that's right, he did say Phil LeBeau did terrible!

The officers became suspicious when they spotted, you know, the spray of sparks emanating from the rear of the car and pulled the man over. His intoxication became readily apparent when he displayed bloodshot eyes and uneven balance, officers managed to get the guy to blow a .20 BAC, and off to the slammer he went. In the pantheon of dumb things drunk drivers do, losing a tire is pretty low, but really funny. [SF Gate]

What we do know is the campaign puts cleverly designed blood-shot googly eye hubcaps on the fleet of VW Beetles piloted around large events, reminding imbibers to stay away from the steering wheel. But since the language on the side is English, it must be the Englsh speakers at German events causing all the trouble. Darn those Anglophiles! [Copyranter]

File this one under "What Where You Thinking?" After an argument with his wife, Imran Hussain got belligerently drunk and after attempts to secure a prostitute failed, pleasured himself while driving in his Audi Q7. Everything was fine and dandy until he crashed into the back of a Fiat Punto at speed, killing Gary Proctor, 47, and son James, 16, and seriously injuring wife Catherine, age 44.

First responders reported Hussain fleeing the scene with his erect member exposed and hurling insults towards onlookers. It's doubtful there are words in the English language to properly berate this kind of irresponsible asshatery, but Hussain has been sentenced to eight years in jail, which is breathtakingly brief for such record-breaking levels of douchebaggery. [BBC.co.uk]

All five individuals where released from the hospital with minor injuries, and Lewis and Evans both went to jail for charges ranging from child endangerment and neglect to DUI, a charge which can be levied in Tennessee even if you aren't behind the wheel. After a performance like that, we sincerely hope nobody ever buys that dad a beer ever again. [WSBTV]

Boppre elected to celebrate Wednesday by getting drunk, and in an obviously solid cognitive state, decided to hop into his truck and go find a prostitute. Lady of the night found, Boppre decided smoking some crack with his new friend was a smashing idea, as was taking off their clothes and masturbating. And driving around. Speeding. Somewhere during the execution of this plan, Boppre misjudged a corner and crashed into a parked car at high speed. Car disabled, Boppre then grabbed his clothes and ran off like a streak in the night. His cunning plan was ruined when eye-witnesses followed him to a hiding spot and pointed the cops in his direction.

So what's next for Mr. James Boppre? Well, the judge in the case wanted to reward what he considered Boppre's good behavio, at least up to that point. He had managed to stay out of trouble up until his... you know... his booze, crack, hooker and car crashing binge — so the judge levied the minimum four-month jail sentence, prohibited him from driving for five years, added three years of probation and recommended counseling. We recommend sending this guy into the Yukon Territory with a shotgun, a fifth of Wild Turkey and a rubber chicken, just to see what happens. [TheRecord]