How To Cook A Pork Shoulder On The Grill: A Good Day's Work, For Once

A truth of the modern workplace is that you do a lot of tedious bullshit—meetings and reports and conference calls, spreadsheets and data entry and friggin' change-controls, office politicking and ass-kissing and -covering, long hours and long commutes and long/haggard/grey faces and exhaustion—for the production of… » 6/01/14 12:42am 6/01/14 12:42am

How To Cook And Eat Whole Shrimp (Yes, Even Their Heads)

Generally speaking, we like shrimp. Your local supermarket testifies to this: Multiple sizes of shrimp of various provenance on display at the seafood counter; shrimp prepared and flash-frozen in wild variety (OK, maybe not wild variety, but anyway Captain Gorton breads them at least a couple of different ways) over… » 5/10/14 3:21pm 5/10/14 3:21pm

How To Make Chili Oil, AKA Liquid Fun

The problem with condiments is that even if they're theoretically intended to enhance or complement the flavors of a given dish, too often they just swamp those other flavors instead. Take, for example, ketchup, the iconic condiment: It doesn't taste bad (and anyone who tells you it does is more interested in… » 5/03/14 1:17pm 5/03/14 1:17pm

How To Make Fish Tacos, Perfection Now And Forever

Hell no, I don't need to persuade you to make fish tacos. Pfft. No way. It's spring; the sun is shining in a blue sky; birds were singing outside your open window when you awoke this morning, because you left your window open overnight, because that is what you do in springtime, because you are not Gargamel, and in… » 4/26/14 2:41pm 4/26/14 2:41pm

How To Grill A Flank Steak, The Steak For Socialists

We are Americans (no, not you, Canadians) (OK, you too, c'mon over here ya big galoots), and we like big hunks of steak*. To be precise, we like our own big hunks of steak: We like to saunter into Bob's House of Steak all bowlegged and gimlet-eyed like John Wayne and order for ourselves some great obscene wad of… » 4/12/14 4:03pm 4/12/14 4:03pm

How To Make Linguine With Clams And Bid Farewell To This Goddamn Winter

Groundhog meteorologists notwithstanding, seasons are shapeless, poorly defined things. To wit: Traditionally, in North America, the "winter" season is regarded as beginning at some point in the back half of December (the solstice) and extending into the back half of the following March (the equinox)—and yet,… » 3/15/14 3:28pm 3/15/14 3:28pm

How To Make A Ragù, Which Has Nothing To Do With Jars

By now you're likely well aware that the word ragù—although perhaps most frequently encountered with its accent symbol flipped over, emblazoned across ten thousand jars of tomato products in your local supermarket—has its own non-commercial definition, other than "bad-tasting Italian-themed ketchup." » 12/21/13 4:19pm 12/21/13 4:19pm

How To Make Home Fries, The Breakfast Of Sluggards

The basic idea is that breakfast is supposed to supply your wretched, dead-eyed carcass with enough chemical energy to work itself up into a state vaguely similar to the authentic vitality of the functional, well-adjusted people edging away from you in half-concealed disgust on the bus. This is why we are instructed… » 11/10/13 10:51am 11/10/13 10:51am

Screw Your Pumpkin Flavors: How To Make Apple Crumble

Fun fact! Careful examination of the historical record reveals that, whatever the goddamn Starbucks menu may suggest to the contrary, the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs between Sept. 15 and Dec. 20 is not a capital crime. Whether the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs in that time period… » 10/27/13 10:41am 10/27/13 10:41am

How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great

The first thing to do is clear up any misconceptions that the reason to make mashed cauliflower, and not mashed potatoes, is that mashed cauliflower is the more calorically or nutritionally upstanding choice. If that is what you are thinking, stop thinking that, because that is stupid. You're stupid. » 10/12/13 2:21pm 10/12/13 2:21pm

How To Make A Lasagna And Prepare For Hibernation

Time was, as summer rounded into autumn, you kept an eye out for that first cool, dry weekend after the leaves started to turn, when the air remained genuinely chilly in the shade all day long, and then you tilted back your floppy coppola hat, hooked your thumbs into your suspenders, gazed thoughtfully into the… » 10/06/13 12:45pm 10/06/13 12:45pm

How To Craft A Caesar Salad And Not Settle For Less In Life

You order a Caesar salad at your humble local steakhouse, or crummy chain Italian joint, or nightmarish, kitsch-bedecked, "Signature Bourbonzola Glaze®"-slinging pan-American shithole—They hire cute bartenders! you're now insisting, not a little bit defensively, as if that is not even sadder than going for the… » 9/07/13 2:42pm 9/07/13 2:42pm

How To Cook Bivalves, The Life-Affirming Pain In The Ass

Listen. Life is hard. You're tired all the time, you're overworked and underpaid, you never have enough time for anything and no one loves you and your hair, seriously, what are you even going for with that look, because it is not working. Most evenings, it's all you can do to doze off into a bowl of cereal and… » 8/24/13 4:23pm 8/24/13 4:23pm

How To Make Pesto, Using That Terrifying Basil Plant On Your Sill

Hey, remember back in the spring, when your significant other or roommate or own tragic propensity for impulsive decision-making came with you to the supermarket and got all, "Oooh, hydroponic basil plants!" and you bought one and took it home and planted it in a big orange bucket, your head swimming with visions of… » 8/11/13 10:36am 8/11/13 10:36am

How To Deep-Fry Soft-Shell Crabs (Yes, Dammit, Deep-Fry Them)

Deep-frying is bullshit. It's messy and labor-intensive and user-unfriendly. It requires a ton of oil, most of which will be wasted, plus—most of the time anyway—dumb annoying messy crap like egg wash and flour and breadcrumbs. In its worst, most diabolical incarnations, it even requires friggin' leavening agents,… » 7/13/13 1:51pm 7/13/13 1:51pm