(Hat tip to Craig for the tip!)

Among the many, many awesome things about this 8HP Kohler-powered motorized chair are the embroidered "NHRA" back, custom installed stereo, working headlights, a fake nitrous tank and braking parachute, a built-in cup holder and classy pinstriping. Oh, let's not forget the "Hell Yeah It's Fast" bumper sticker. If you happen to be anywhere near Proctor, Minnesota, be advised this magnificent piece of machinery will be sold off at the police auction in the near future. [The Smoking Gun]

The dainty Ms. Alysson White was swinging by the Howard Springs Tavern, where she regularly waitresses, to drum up some party goers for a friends birthday party, after which she hopped into a Toyota Hilux (we actually never knew to classify the Hilux as a ute) to head off to Humpty Doo for the party. Turns out the driver was nursing a 0.147 percent blood alcohol content and crashed the ute on the way. NT News reported there may have been some hanky panky going on during the ride which would have led to driver distraction and thus the crash.

Well, Ms. White would like to refute those claims in her hilarious account below:

"I was not sucking his d*** - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest, clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f****** rubber neck. If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarassing, I got caught sucking someone's d***' - but it is not true and that's what is p****** me off. It didn't happen like that at all - he was just going too fast. I don't understand where that story has come from.

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me.

"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.''

Both driver and passenger were taken to the hospital with minor injuries following the accident, and the driver was charged with drink driving, driving without due care, and driving without a license. Ms. White will likely be getting recruitment calls from local finishing schools. [NTNews]

Police stopped France and his housemate Russell Van Richmond for racing a Porsche Cayenne against a green Lamborghini across Seabreeze bridge. When they were pulled over Richmond, who is the son of one of J.C's dad's ex-wives, protested saying "I want your commander now. I am a France. Do you know what that means? We own this city."

It apparently didn't impress police because France was allegedly so drunk he could barely climb out of the car and had a bag of a "white, cakelike substance" in his pocket.

Richmond kept screaming to the police "I am gonna have your job. This is the biggest mistake ever. You are so done in Daytona." How Ironic.

According to reports, Richmond's last words to police were "Oh, shit" when they searched his pockets and found a tablet of hydrocodone.

Our favorite quote, though, was from an unidentified woman in Richmond's Porsche who told police he was "going so fast, I put my seatbelt on." We're pretty sure you should wear a seatbelt anytime you go out for a drive with a coked out, drunk person.

France has been suspended from Grand-Am indefinitely.

[Daytona News-Journal, Photo Credit: TMZ]

It sounds like the end of every story that starts out with tequila, but Mr. Schultz was pulled over for speeding yesterday and the officer on the scene couldn't help but notice the booze on his breath and his total lack of pants and skivvies. He was hiding his shame with a towel, though it wasn't completely doing the job. When asked where his pants were, he simply said he'd lost them. The officer did not find the missing pants in the car. Schulz is facing drunk driving charges, and will be forced to tell this story for all of eternity. [MSNBC]

Sgt. Joseph Spiekerman, 43, was arrested on the Upper East Side June 29th after mowing down Barry Gintel, 68, who had just purchased his morning coffee and a few rolls. The officer ran a red light in his Volvo and struck Gintel, who flew up to 20 feet according to an eye witness. When officers arrived at the scene, they noted Spiekerman's blood shot eyes and detected booze on his breath, which led to his arrest. Gintel was rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital where he underwent emergency surgery for two broken legs, broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and head and neck injuries. Gintel is currently recovering without comment, though we suspect his lawyer will have something to say eventually. [NY Post]

DeWitt, who played the character Janet Wood on the 70's sitcom "Three's Company," was pulled over when she ran a barricade in the Southern California town of El Segundo (which is only about a 20 minute drive from where the show was set in Santa Monica). The officer on the scene observed clues she'd been imbibing and administered a field sobriety test. She was of course over the limit and arrested, booked, and released later. [Freep]

Morgan’s new car had its first official day out at the Villa d’Este in April as part of the new car competition at the Concorso d’Eleganza. Based on last year’s AeroMax coupé, the SuperSports is built on the same ash bonded aluminum frame and powered by the same gorgeous 367 HP Bavarian V8, messerschmitting its way through quad sidepipes. Morgan has published a wealth of images about the car, yet failed to include one of its coolest feature: leather straps tucked in behind the passenger compartment for holding booze.

Although Charles Morgan’s quote in the company press release certainly hints at things:

The Morgan Aero SuperSports is a luxurious flamboyant sports car which also remains true to Morgan’s philosophy of lightweight minimalist simplicity. It is a celebration of our love of cars and the romance of travel and is a fitting model to announce during Morgan’s Centenary year.

The romance of travel! Their lightweight convertible will top out at 170 MPH, which must make for quite a challenge in popping and pouring champagne. Still—it is refreshing to see a car company embrace the decadent side of life. Fortunate for them that they don’t happen to be based in the United States: the federal warning labels would blot out the sun. And you certainly don’t want that to happen in a handbuilt convertible, now, do you?

Photos by the author.

This is like looking back on old-timey Looney Tunes cartoons where every other character is wielding a firearm and incredible violence is hilarious, stuff that just isn't done in modern cartoons, and yet, here it is in a fairly modern cartoon. Cartoon kids drinking, stealing, driving under the influence is an interesting choice. Of course, it's wrapped up with a bow as a cautionary tale against the dangers of alcohol, but we all know the truth. The writers and animators got bored and wanted to go edgy. They went edgy enough to get the episode banned from television, according to the YouTube poster. We're not sure if this is hilarious or just weird. [Youtube via Iodized]

Joseph W. Anderson, a West Baton Rouge Parish reserve officer and brother to the neighboring town's Police chief, was spotted swerving down a rural road and observed as he hit two trees and rolled his Toyota 4Runner three times. Witnesses rushed to the scene, brushed aside all the still-cold and half0empty beer bottles that had tumbled out in order to lift the truck off of Anderson's pinned arm. Somehow, the young Sheriff's deputy responding to the scene, one Ryan Polansky, "made an error" in failing to administer a breath test. The report listed "unknown" as the cause of the accident.

Unbelievably, despite being in a truck that hit two trees, flipped three times, and having his arm pinned beneath the wreckage, Joseph Anderson was treated and released from the hospital the same evening with only minor injuries.

Addis Police Chief and brother to Joseph Anderson, Ricky Anderson, spoke with Polansky at the scene and claims he said "I told him I was not involved in it and to do whatever he needs to do. When it comes to family, I will not pull strings to get anybody out of anything."

This extreme case of obvious drunk driving has been brought to you by the State of Louisiana and the phrase "Yeah, right."
[The Advocate]

An unnamed woman attempted to ram a patrol car in Long Beach, CA. The car, responding to calls of a woman screaming in an intersection, then followed the Scion on a 40 mile chase at freeway speeds breaching the 100 MPH (xB's can go that fast?) barrier. The chase included moments where the Scion and officers drove against traffic, in circles in the median and most impressively, included a couple seconds when the woman exited the car to scream at the cops and flip them off. She was finally boxed in, pulled from the car and taken into custody, but seriously, that's a whole lot of crazy right there. [Huffington Post]

Mr. Sabold needs to go to jail for a mixture of driving while intoxicated and destroying a perfectly good exotic car (we think a Ferrari 575). The 911 operator, who sounds like my 5th grade bus driver, needs to get an award for putting the pieces together and talking the drunk loser out of his car before the train turns into an expensive Italian paperweight.

In addition to wrecking his car, the owner is happy to give his location and full name to the police, despite knowing he's probably drunk and now subject to arrest. The lack of self preservation instinct is overwhelming.

UPDATE: Turns out the Ferrari driver is the owner of Automotive Concepts, the "number one source for Luxury Automobile Service in the Dallas - Fort Worth area." Hilariously, his company bio states "[Jeff] has a passion of not only taking care of your luxury vehicle, but doing it right the first time."

Thanks Garrett & Lee for the tip!

[KXII]

The incident occurred March 4th, a Wednesday, was trouble as the underage driver was busted by Newark, Ohio police for driving under the influence and under a suspended license after he crashed the stool at an estimated 20 MPH. It may not sound very fast, but when you're on a barstool, drunk, bombing around at those speeds it probably feels like you're hitting top speed on the Mulsanne straight. Don't ask us how we know. (Thanks for the tip Chad) [9News]

McCahill rose to fame on The Girls Next Door reality show and secured the spot as Miss May 2009. Surprisingly, she achieved all of this without securing a law degree, which may explain why she told the officers she had "three shots" at Climax, the Chicago nightclub where she currently works, before driving. Brilliant.

Anyone currently having fantasies about Miss McCahill may be turned off by the fact she drives a Passat, and not something cool like Sarah Jean Underwood's Mini S.

[via Chicago Sun Times]

Easton, Pennsylvania resident Witmer believes his body is a sovereign nation, and therefore isn't subject to US or Pennsylvania law. He also argues there was no victim in his crime and is requesting a full trial so his case can be heard. He plans to represent himself. A defense attorney who's standing by in case Witmer does need representation reminded him an actual challenge to the traffic stop would need to be filed in order proceed to trial. [via Penn Live]

Thanks for the tip, Nick!

The officers became suspicious when they spotted, you know, the spray of sparks emanating from the rear of the car and pulled the man over. His intoxication became readily apparent when he displayed bloodshot eyes and uneven balance, officers managed to get the guy to blow a .20 BAC, and off to the slammer he went. In the pantheon of dumb things drunk drivers do, losing a tire is pretty low, but really funny. [SF Gate]

The girl was pulled over last Tuesday outside of Whangarei after police noticed erratic driving, when asked for identification she provided none, and then gave a false name which she then could not spell. At that point the delicate young flower was taken into custody and when a breathalyzer test was administered at the station, she managed 828 micrograms when 150 mcg is the legal limit for drivers above 15 and under 20. Needless to say she's been remitted to Youth Aid services where calls from the Maury Povich show have been coming in hard and fast. [Stuff.co.nz]

We almost mistook Mr. Torn for the crazy guy here in downtown Detroit who tries to sell bottles of his own urine as a vampire repellent, but sure enough, it's the gravel-voiced actor. He was nabbed on December 14th when Connecticut police pulled him over after spotting him driving in the breakdown lane with a Christmas tree strapped to the top of his 1994 Subaru. With a mug like that, it goes without saying that he failed his field sobriety test after giving up on it, complaining that the ground wasn't level enough. It never is when you're three sheets to the wind.

This isn't his first time around the block either, having faced similar charges in 2004 and 2007, with the last case resulting in a suspended license and a fine. Rip has pleaded not guilty to all charges in this go-round. When reached for comment, his liver stated "Are you booze? No? Then shut up and don't bother me." [PopEater]

Shepard was reportedly going 46 MPH in a residential zone in Normal, IL when he was pulled over by police. Oh, and by the way, he pulled over by parking his Chevy Tahoe on the curb.

Of course, that's not the most unheard of action while parking, given Shepard just officially became a senior citizen in November (turning 65). Ha! Old people jokes make us laugh! [via TMZ]