Unless, of course, the cargo includes a waterbed and a a few hundred hards of purple shag carpeting!

A new crank and bearing set are allegedly on the way (Summit Racing HQ is located nearby), so we hope to see this fine racing machine back on the track later today... or tonight... or tomorrow morning.

Meanwhile, it appears that every single one of the half-dozen Fieros is now broken, so we can expect to see them rendered down into a single FrankenFiero at some point this afternoon.

And that's not all- this mid-70s Chevy van boasts cubic yards of hipster accessories without being at all ironic and/or pretentious. I ran into this fine machine at the 24 Hours Of LeMons South Fall a few weeks back; its owner is a member of the USS Enterprise Ford LTD team.

Quadruple exhaust pipes, 8-ball shifter, North Carolina plates… and Tommy Chong's signature on the dash. Yes, it's for real!

We're going to fix that problem right now! I've finally found a genuine late-70s Chevy Van with authentic stripes and bubble windows. Let's get in the mood to appreciate this fine vehicle with the appropriate song:


Hmmm... that was actually kind of horrible. I was too young to drive back then, but I'm pretty sure Sammy Johns wouldn't have been my choice for custom-van soundtracks. See, that's what happened with Generation X and our damn cynicism and irony- we couldn't appreciate the simple pleasures of purple shag carpeting and CB radio. Anyway, it's good to see this battered but still recognizable Custom Van Era survivor still moving around under its own power.

Yes, that's an image of a bound and gagged woman etched into the driver's side door glass. The driver of this van must have had many lengthy discussions with members of the law enforcement community; I picture him looking exactly like the criminal silhouette on those Neighborhood Watch signs. These photos come to us courtesy of 24 Hours Of LeMons Assistant Perpetrator and BMW 2002 driver TheEastBayKid, via a lengthy chain of emails that took so long to filter down to me that the van was gone from the junkyard (located a mere 30 miles from me) by the time I heard about it.

Had it not already been fed to The Crusher, that window would now be framed, backlit, and mounted on my wall… right next to the bronze bust of Lenin that once adorned an Estonian post office.

But we're not talking a boring old Chevy, Ford, or Dodge here. If you're going to go to all the trouble of obtaining acres of deep-pile maroon shag carpeting and diamond-tucked velveteen upholstery, to commission an airbrush artist to create a mural representing an Aztec sacrifice on a Hawaiian beach in a space station, and to hire a 37th Degree Master Bongsmith to craft you a four-footer that matches your chrome exhaust stacks… well, all that effort would be wasted on some dime-a-dozen Econoline or Tradesman. Fortunately, Robert has found us a couple of great vans, either of which would make an excellent starting point for a lifelong deeply fulfilling custom van project. For this, he gets a Project Car Hell Tipster T-shirt (unless he takes a size other than S, M, or L, in which case he'll probably get a random 24 Hours Of LeMons team T-shirt).

Try to imagine that Johnson Messenger CB mounted next to an Octophonic Sparkomatic reel-to-reel deck, in a hand-carved mahogany console. What kind of van would best suit such a setup? Why, a Candy Apple Red Thames Freighter van, of course! We've admired the Freighter ever since seeing this super-original example at the Monterey Historics, but finding an example of Ford's British proto-Econoline is harder than finding a buyer for a foreclosed McMansion in edge-city Bakersfield. Don't give up hope, though, because this 1961 Thames Freighter has a top bid of just $1,200 and no reserve! It starts and runs, sort of, but "the interior needs everything," the brakes need work, and some glass is broken. There's rust. But who cares? Someday it will make this Freighter look subdued!

Ever since we first met the Tempo Matador Hochpritsche, we've had this crazy idea that a full-on custom Tempo or Hanomag van would be the proper way to roll. In fact, a green-themed Tempo Matador, powered by a veggie-oil diesel and sporting a full-body airbrushed rainforest mural, hemp upholstery, and a pyramid-shaped meditation chamber in the back- now that's a custom van! Since most of the Matadors were made with clattery, smog-belching VW air-cooled engines (driving the front wheels), such a project has remained but a dream… until today! Would you believe that this Tempo Matador Diesel van is up for sale? We don't know the reserve price, but we suspect that there's not enough crack in the world to have made anyone feel optimistic enough to set the reserve on this terrifyingly wretched basket-case orphan somewhat challenging diamond-in-rough project much higher than the current top bid of $1,250. The seller doesn't provide any much useful information about this van in his or her description ("I don't know much about it but they are very hard to find in the U.S"). All emailed questions to the seller are answered with the following statement: "The I.D. plt says VIDAL U. SOHN TEMPO WERK HAMBURG-HAMBURG MATADOR ED 1.3 TO FAHRGESTELL-Nr serial # D6303581 wat.2700 lbs 1400." However, there isn't much rust, it appears that most of the glass and trim is intact, and that Hanomag diesel engine might be just a total rebuild a few minutes of tinkering away from rod-knocking roaring into death life!

Wimbles knows how to work a camera, took the time to ID all the vehicles he shot, and even cropped/resized them to the gallery-friendly 1280-pixel width we like best. This is the very best way to send in DOTSBE photos. I'll let Wimbles describe what he's found:

I'm relatively new to Jalopnik but I've always been interested in your Down on the Street series. I'm a college student going to school in San Francisco and I see a lot of cool old cars parked on the streets when I'm in town. Lately I've been photographing more and more of them in DOTS style and I figured I'd give it a shot trying to submit some for DOTSBE.

For starters, here's a 1973 Ford Torino sedan. This is probably the first one I've ever actually noticed on the street and caught my eye because I'm used to seeing the arguably better-looking Gran Torinos. Fancy seeing a plain blue, beat-up standard '73 Torino in a place as progressive as San Francisco! It was seen parked on Telegraph Hill.

I'm not sure about the year of the Dodge A-100 Tradesman, but it looks to be approximately a 1968 model judging by the style of badging and the reflectors on the doors. I could be wrong. Until I saw this one, I wasn't aware that the Tradesman name was used prior to the B-Series vans of the '70s. It appears to be in generally good condition for its age, though it has some worrisome rust on the passenger side doors. It was seen parked on Telegraph Hill near COIT Tower.
This van has been seen on DOTSBE before, but it was part of a series of street parking profile shots by Martin Taylor.

Continuing the Mopar series is a 1965 Plymouth Barracuda. I see this car parked and driving every so often and have had two opportunities to photograph it (evident from the markedly different weather in the various pictures). It is equipped with the 273CI Commando V8. It was photographed in the Financial District. Interestingly enough, I have seen another Barracuda (brown, '67-69) parked on this same street in the past and have gotten a couple of snapshots of it, but nothing DOTS-worthy.

Next up for this run is a 1979 Plymouth Sapporo which lives just north of Alamo Square. I have seen this car driving once. I actually stumbled upon its home by sheer coincidence while returning from a long walk to the Panhandle in a fruitless attempt to grab some DOTS photos of the Porsche 356 and Volkswagen Transporter Syncro 4WD extended cab utility body pickup I had briefly snapped on a previous date.

Lastly, we have a very interesting find. A 2002-05 JDM Daihatsu Move Custom, probably fresh off the boat in America as it has no plates. But they wasted no time in decking this little kei car out inside with everything kawai they could find. It has a sticker on the rear hatch from Uemuru Motor, which is apparently an auto wholesaler in Callao, Peru.

Looks like we've got three decades represented here: a '71-73 Dodge Tradesman 200 custom van, a star-spangled '67 or '68 Jeep Commando, and a well-worn '48-50 Dodge pickup. Here's what DodgePolara500 has to say:

I had to stop and get this one. A 70's Dodge Van tricked out in pimpin glory with a 1960's vintage Jeep Commander decked out in Bicentenial Garb! They were captured on a busy blvd in San Jose CA. which i think is home to many DOTs vehicles worthy of notoriety.
The Van is parked there regularly and they owner seems to move it often given the lack of debris and dirt on the tires. The Jeep is a new edition and I only saw it this morning. In one of the Snaps, you can see a VERY NICE 65 Caddy Couple deVille drive by. A veritable trifecta! I wish my shutter was quicker to grab some more shots.
I'll have to let your reader pick out the dates of the Jeep. The Dodge is most likely a 1972-3 model given the grill. The jeep has a sticker on the other side that says "This is not an abandoned vehicle" I didn't get it due to the heavy traffic, but I'll try again later.
This Dodge Pickup pilot house is around the corner from my house and has been on the street for as long as I have lived in my home (1992). It looks to be 100% original and unrestored with some great patina to it. The owner drives it regularly and has a model T tucked away along with a 64 Buick Wildcat Convertible which his son drives. I haven't seen it in a while, but when it comes home again, i'll snag that one too.

What we've got here is an original, 32,000-mile, modified-back-in-the-day 1979 Dodge van with all the right custom features. Let's run down the list: Shag carpeting on every possible surface? Check! Airbrush mural featuring science-fiction interplanetary landscapes? Check! La-Z-Boy chair? Check! Stereo with dual analog equalizers and 23-channel CB radio? Check, check, checkmate! It goes without saying that you'd need to have every Foghat 8-track every released if you owned this van… but you might have a tough time fitting all those tapes into your budget, because this fine machine ain't exactly what you'd call cheap: $15,000. That hurts, but you're going to have a tough time finding a time-capsule custom van in this kind of condition. Nice Price? Crack Pipe?
[Craigslist Dallas, go here if ad disappears. Thanks to Chris for the tip]

Thought I'd send you these pics even though they didn't turn out so well. Sorry about the terrible camera phone quality. It was raining on/off and the light was terrible. The van was on Prince St. in Soho, it may be there again and I'll try to get better pics. I think it was an 80s Econoline, but I'm not sure what model. All labels were shaved. The rear lights look custom. The stained glass window was beautiful. The pics are mostly blurry, but the airbrush work was top-notch, 80s style.
The E-type is the 2-seater, 1960 something, parked on Orchard St and Stanton in the LES. Beautiful mint condition in and out. Unfortunately it started pouring as I was taking pics and couldn't get any more. It has a Hamptons window sticker, so I probably won't see it again.

The forward-control Ford Econoline vans of the 1961-67 period are great-looking little boxes, which makes us wonder why you hardly ever see one with the full in-the-weeds/custom-bodywork treatment. Why should VW Transporters have all the fun, know what I'm saying? Oh, sure, the force field created when Foghat albums met Acapulco Gold was powerful enough to draw in some flat-nose Econolines back in the 70s, but it's really time we started seeing modern interpretations applied to them. That's why you ought to gather together $2,150 (or whatever the reserve price might be) and hand it over for this lowrider '62 Econoline van. At first glance, it looks pretty good, but a few i's need to be dotted and some t's must be crossed before this van will be moving under its own power. First of all, the slammification process meant that the original I6 motor had to go and a V6 placed in its stead. "Placed" is the right word, because that's about all that's been done with the "rebuilt Buick" engine here. You'll need to figure out the rest of the driveline, too, and "some custom fabrication/sheetmetal work will be needed for doghouse, and to cover sections of floor that were cut to allow clearance of wheels, driveline, and rear axle." Easy!

Crusing down the ave in your Bajito y Sauvecito Econoline would be pure joy, but that joy will turn to panic when society collapses under its own stinking, corrupt weight. Yes, your slammed Econoline will be about as useful as tits on a boar hog when the cities are burning, the crazies are hunting for human meat, and you need to head to your fortified survival compound in the mountains. That's why your project Econoline should be this '66 with 4x4 conversion (go here if the ad disappears). It's got post-apocalyptic style galore as it sits, but you'll need to outfit it with armor plating, extra fuel tanks, and maybe some flamethrowers to keep the riffraff at a safe distance. The seller doesn't mention the running condition, but we're guessing this Econo can at least make noise with that 240 six-banger. More'n likely, you'll need to go through everything and fix some Field Expedient Engineering done during the drivetrain upgrade, and you'll definitely need to replace that slushbox with a manual.

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[Flickr]

Anyone who doesn't like the idea of a 50-year-old front-wheel-drive German car that looks like a Thunderbird and gets its motive power from a three-cylinder two-stroker... well, you've come to the wrong website! And since the rest of you presumably want to walk the walk in addition to talking the talk, we've got just the project to fill that empty space in your garage and create an even emptier space in your wallet: this 1958 Auto Union 1000 SP, which is currently sitting at a nice friendly sub-$2500 price, with no reserve. This is one of the most complete 1000 SPs you're going to find in North America, but as the seller says: "There are likely many missing parts." But haven't you always wanted to take a parts-shopping trip to Germany? Travel tip: airport security personnel frown on brake drum and carburetors in your carry-on baggage. The engine doesn't run (of course), and there's rust, and the upholstery has "exploded" from sun damage, so you'll never run out of things to work on! Thanks to MadHungarian for the tip!

It's tough to out-cool an Auto Union, but a Corvair van with a 70s custom job might do the trick... especially if it's a chopped, shortened Corvair van like this one from 1963. And the price- why, it was only $366.01 at the time of this writing, and that's with no reserve! It's hard to tell from the photos, but this thing may be designed for the driver's head to protrude through the sunroof, Rat Fink style (which means it needs a 5' long gearshift lever for the full effect). Now, the same busybodies who bleat about games of Midnight Drunken Lawn Darts being unsafe will no doubt point their bony puritanical forefingers at this van and tell you that a vehicle with super-short wheelbase and a six-cylinder engine in the back is a deathtrap. Pay them no mind- what this van needs is more power, preferably courtesy of an engine that will make Corvair purists hate you even more than they hate R***h N***r! How about the hairest, most hyperboosted Subaru six possible? Before you can get to that point, however, you'll need to deal with the rust. Lots of rust. Then you'll need to get custom glass made, because it seems to lack a windshield and (probably) door glass. And, of course, you'll need to get the most bongtastic 70s black-light interior money can buy, for reasons too obvious to get into here.

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We saw a Honda 600 in this series not long ago, and three of them before that. However, we have no choice but to return to our favorite motorcycle-engined Japanese car, because this here's a 1970 Honda 600 with truck bed. That's right, a 600amino with the hard part already done! We don't know how much it really costs, because the seller is "keeping the auction fair" by using a reserve price. But it'll probably be pretty cheap, because it's been sitting for at least three years (and perhaps 30 years before that) and, well, stuff goes wrong when a car sits for years. And how about the damning-with-faint-praise statement "ENGINE NOT SEIZED?" Sure, it might have an oil pan full of metal chunks, but you can still turn the crank! Not only that, it's "VERY UNIQUE," which is crucial for those of us who don't want somewhat unique cars. Just drop a Hayabusa in the front, a couple cases of Milwaukee's Best in the back, and you're ready to go!

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "There's nothing that can compete with a 600amino!" Normally you'd be right, but Bumblebee managed to find something that should send you staggering back in awed disbelief: this '74 Dodge van with truck bed. It's got the custom graphics, including an amazingly patriotic "TOY TRUCK" screamin' eagle on the hood. It's got the marker lights on the roof and the mis-aimed Malaise Style fog lights in the grille. It's got the deep-pile shag carpeting in the cab and even the CB radio. But most of all, it has stacks! Like the 600amino, this Vanpage has been sitting for a while- 10 years, in fact. But don't think of it as a nightmare of shrunken seals and cracked gaskets- think of it as a time capsule! The seller claims it starts and drives, and that the "AIR CONDITIONING works AWESOME." It comes from the seller's uncle in southern Kentucky, so it's authentic. We figure a quick trip to Tijuana for some interior upgrades and some 440 power and you'll be feeling mighty sharp in your new Vanpage.

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Ford sold Pintos with this sort of setup as a factory option package, but I can't be sure if this one is factory or customized. Either way, check out the stripes!
Apparently someone really, really wanted the speedometer and wasn't wasting any time about getting it, judging by the wreckage left behind in the aftermath of his or her frenzy.
With this Pinto you wouldn't even need to use the key for a key party- just get busy in the back!
Oh yes, shag carpeting on the walls. It's sad seeing this car among all the Tempos and Aspires in the Ford section of the jukyard. Dang, it's a shame this car couldn't be kept on the road!

But, most of all, the stinger dripping blood. Lots of blood. What does the Menacing Van Bee want from us?