Jalopnik: Crown Victoria

1984 Ford LTD: The Family Car Bob Bondurant Likes To Hoon

Murilee Martin — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:00:00 EDT

The Fox-based '84 Ford LTD really did handle pretty well… if you checked the boxes for all the suspension options that came on the cop version when you bought one, that is, and for some reason that bit of info doesn't get much play in this ad. This ad would have been far more entertaining had Mr. Bondurant taken the base version out for some door-handle-scraping racetrack action. Why, some madmen even autocross the Fox LTD!

This Cop's Beat is America, Son

Andrew Stoy — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 12:00:00 EDT

"Son, you know how fast you were goin'?" If we saw this red, white and blue P71 Crown Vic in our rear-view mirror, we'd hope to hell it was five under. [ZipperHead's MySpace Page]

See the rest of our Jalopnik Auto Flag-Elation here and check out our pre-Fourth Jalopnik Automotive Amerigasm here.

Derive More Pleasure From Owning And Using The 1955 Ford!

Murilee Martin — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:00:00 EDT

When was the last time you saw a car ad with some geeky intellectual explaining how the styling builds the "feeling of motion" into the shape of the car? It's impossible to imagine a present-day Ford being pitched with the line "When the design of a car expresses its function forcefully and imaginatively, of course we derive more pleasure from owning and using it!" The '55 Ford really was a good-looking car, and it sold in greater numbers than its Chevrolet rival... but which one starred in Two Lane Blacktop?

Want A 5-Speed Crown Victoria?

Murilee Martin — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

We all thought transplanting the drivetrain from a Lightning F-150 into a 2000 Ford Crown Vic was pretty cool, but some Panther owners might want to take on a less ambitious project that still makes our cars a lot more fun to drive. Say, grabbing the T-45 transmission out of a Mustang and installing it in a Panther, for example. Ford never saw fit to put a manual in the Panther, so it's not a straight bolt-in; that's why it's great to have the scoop from someone who's already solved all the problems involved with such a project. We've seen a very good how-to for those wishing to de-slushbox-ize their GM G-bodies, and now dRock96Marquis has put together a comprehensively documented and illustrated guide to doing the same with a 2003 Crown Victoria. [CrownVic.net]

Scarfing, Cellphone-Blabbing Driver Hits Cop Car, Surprised To Get Ticket

Murilee Martin — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 07:30:00 EDT

Justin D. Grill, 19, was just minding his own business, taking his '87 Crown Vic out for a little spin in Chippewa Falls. Oh sure, he had a sandwich in one hand and a cellphone in the other (no doubt delivering one of those riveting monologues that goes like "And so I MFFGP SMOFF told that sumbitch GLOOMPH NARF GLRMPH he could kiss my SPLRMPH GRUNCH..." and makes you wonder whether the unseen spirit of Miss Manners had a hand in subsequent events) when he sideswiped an oncoming police car on a bridge, but you really couldn't say that was his fault, right? His reaction? "I'm getting a ticket? For what?" [Chippewa.com]

Bearded Genius Creates Tric-Vic To Slow Speeders

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:45:00 EDT

Jim Hunt has channeled the power of the beard for good. Miffed at speeding motorists in front of his home in Summerville, South Carolina, Jim decided to build what has come to be known as the "Tric-Vic", a fake-out cop car which he says works to slow down the speeders. The clever lawn ornament is constructed of expanded metal and reflectors in such a way as to mimic the iconic look of a Ford Police Interceptor parked roadside. Why do we have the sinking feeling this is going to be the next "lady bending over showing her bloomers while working in the garden"?[via Youtube]

Google Street View Dishes Up Another Fascinating Slice-O-Life

Murilee Martin — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Now, we can't say for sure what sort of transaction was captured on film by the Google Street View photography vehicle; perhaps the Illinois gentleman with the roll of bills is negotiating for the purchase of an 80s Ford LTD. Whatever it is, we're seeing free enterprise in glorious effect here. Take that, Commies! Thanks to LTDScott aka Porcubimmer_4_Lyfe for the tip! [Google Maps]

North Las Vegas Barbie Ready For LeMons Action

Murilee Martin — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 17:00:00 EST

Even though an 80s Ford Crown Victoria with a 302 under the hood probably doesn't stand much of a chance of beating the nimbler cars, we're still rooting for Team Sin City LeMons. That's because they've got North Las Vegas Barbie riding on the bumper, a fur-covered roll cage, and some other nice features...

How about casino carpeting for a vinyl top?

These fearless Nevadans drove a woodgrain station wagon in the very first 24 Hours of Lemons race, and they're going to roll the dice again today!

Speaking of dice, check out this hood ornament. This car needs to be the Official State Car for the Silver State. Dice, chips, and cards- what more does a man need?

PCH, Personal Dilemma Edition: Love (And Fear) The One You're With

Murilee Martin — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 15:00:00 EST

This series got its start- and continues to be so much fun for me- as a result of my own search for just the right personal Project Car Hell; I came close to buying the 20R-powered Austin Healey Sprite in the very first PCH, and I've been searching ever since. I considered and rejected the '65 Falcon wagon, and now it looks like my cousin might take on the '68 Torino GT himself. But then I realize that I have two machines with Super Sleeper Potential right under my nose: my daily-driver 1992 Honda Civic DX and 1997 Ford Crown Victoria P71! Why, I could turn either one into a ragin' dragstrip monster with easily-obtained hop-up gear right off the shelf! Gadzooks!

The 90s Honda Civic is edging ever closer to Ford Model A and '55-57 Chevy territory when it comes to the sheer number that have been sap-enhanced by wild-eyed hoons looking for crazy acceleration out of a once-sedate transportation car. Sure, most of the Civics you see on the street with 6" diameter tailpipes and Space Shuttle wings would be hard-pressed to buzz out a pathetic 15-second dragstrip pass, but don't be fooled by the foolish antics of the all-show-no-go crowd! Were I to go about upgrading my Civic, it would be done stealth-fashion: don't touch the body, use a quiet muffler, and keep the wheels/tires as stock-looking as I could get away with. I could stick with the D15B7 that's already there and add mild turbocharging... but why do that when I could add a quick 80 horses with a B18C plus ECU, transmission, and accessories, straight from Soichiro's homeland? The B18C isn't a particularly challenging swap into a 5th-gen Civic, so where's the hell? Well, here in California we have über-strict smog laws... and I'd need to make it even harder for my new VTEC setup to pass the test once I bolted on a supercharger. Then, of course, the stock suspension and brakes would need some help, and the list goes on and on. But who cares? Imagine the glorious torque-steering mayhem that would result from tripling the factory horsepower in an already funky-handling front-wheel-drive economy car!

A sleeper Civic would indeed be a great deal of fun, but our forefathers didn't invade Grenada so we could drive front-wheel-drive cars! Hell no! Rear-drive V8s colossi rule this land, buddy! My Crown Vic has a nice stiff cop-grade suspension and big brakes, but the 4.6 SOHC V8 leaves something to be desired in the power department. I could do what Quickvic did to his Crown Victoria and nitrous my way to glory... but that wouldn't be difficult enough. What I need to do is pick up this supercharged F-150 Lightning engine and transmission and stuff it into the engine compartment. The fun will be just beginning at that point, since California's smog referees are known to gaze disapprovingly upon truck engines in cars, even if the donor engine retains all its smog gear and is from a newer vehicle than the transplantee. Of course, I'll probably find at that point that the factory one-legger rear end (the San Joaquin County Sheriff's Department apparently didn't feel like spending the extra for limited-slip diffs in their detectives' cars) doesn't quite do the job of applying power to pavement, and (knowing Ford's love of pointless year-to-year hardware changes) getting all the engine accessories to work might be a beat-head-on-wall exercise in frustration. It will all be worth it, however, when I'm rumbling around town with a great big blower sticking through the hood of my Ford... oh, wait- wasn't this supposed to be a sleeper project?

100 Days In Project Car Hell

Imagine a Mercury Grand Marquis Universe!

Murilee Martin — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:30:00 EST

What if you were to turn on your TV in 1997 to find that every facet of reality had been changed to have some connection with the Mercury Grand Marquis? We're a little puzzled about the cops pulling over a Grand Marquis so they could drive it- do the Mercury badges really make it differ that much from the Crown Vic?

Engine Swap of the Day: Lightning-Engined Crown Vic

Murilee Martin — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 16:00:00 EDT

Now that we've seen a couple of Ford Crown Victorias getting into the 13s with a little nitrous oxide assistance, how about a 2000 civilian-spec Vic with the supercharged Triton 5.4 out of the Ford Lightning truck? Oh yes, and don't forget the Tremec 5-speed and 4.10 rear gears. Make the jump to see some burnout footage. [SuperMotors]

Administer Laughing Gas To Your Police Interceptor?

Murilee Martin — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 15:00:00 EDT

As the owner of a P71 Crown Vic, I can say it's not exactly a quick car (though I'm still bummed that Ford is axing the civilian version). Oh, sure, the 4.6 has decent torque and moves two tons of steel well enough to get the job done... but what happens when you say "Damn the transmission, full speed ahead!" and jolt your Crown Vic's engine with a healthy shot of En Two Oh? Good stuff, that's what happens. Watch the before-and-after runs of drivers Kellydood and Quickvic to see (and hear) what I mean. Yes, this does give me ideas...

Say It Ain't So: Ford to Axe Crown Vic, Report Says

Mike Spinelli — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 08:34:38 EDT

No matter that its dated appearance at Ford's auto show displays made it look like someone's grandfather was visiting — and had parked his car in the living room. The Crown Victoria is the last expression of a construct dating to the Eisenhower administration, and according to Ward's Auto, one soon to be mothballed. Ford's large, rear-drive municipal cruiser — Ward's sources say — will be eliminated from consumer lots the 2008 model year. Word is, it'll still be sold as a fleet car after that, though no word on whether it'll get a rumored style freshening. Send all condolences to The Society for The Preservation of 1979. (Thanks to Dave for the tip.) [Ward's Auto]

Michigan Cops Debate V6 Cruisers

Davey G. Johnson — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 20:30:00 EDT

The year we spent in Austin, Texas, was our first exposure to a proliferation of law-enforcement vehicles that weren't V8/RWD, unless you count Europe. And we have to say, that German officer who broke up our barbeque in the park didn't seem all that threatening in his Opel. Neither did the ATX PD in their Impalas. The Authority is just not there. Sure, badge, gun, travel, etc. And the fact remains that one doesn't necessarily need a Vic for most patrol duties. But there's something symbolic in such a vehicle. Wayne County, Michigan switched a couple of years ago. Oakland County's doing it now. But Macomb County top cop Mark Hackel has reservations, and the best observation: "It may be the politically correct thing. But it's not just about gas mileage." [Freep]

Cowboy Boots + Police Car = Wrecked Convenience Store

Murilee Martin — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 18:00:11 EDT

Leather boots may still be in style for manly footwear in Muskogee, but police officers in Trenton, Florida, will no longer be allowed to wear smooth-soled cowboy boots on the job. Sure, such boots give the wearer added authority, but they tend to slip off the brake pedal of a Crown Vic... which is what happened to Officer Michael Herko when he plowed his Police Interceptor into front doors of al Smokers Express convenience store. [Gainesville.com]

2008 Ford Crown Victoria Special Edition

Ray Wert — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 15:00:00 EDT

According to some shots procured by Popular Mechanics' Jim Dunne (he's still alive? Really — who knew?), Ford's gone Dave-alicious to the 2008 model of Ford's cop-car. That's right, the three-bar grille that screams "Hi, I'm An American" is the extent to which FoMoCo's changed the exterior of the 2008 Crown Vic. Oh wait, no, they've also dropped a special "Special Edition" chevron on the side of the front quarter panel and an odd little strip of chrome below the Dave look. We're going to go and vomit in our mouths a little bit. [Popular Mechanics]

American City With Most Taxis Per Capita?

Murilee Martin — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:30:48 EDT

Yep, it's Bethel, Alaska! With 70 taxis serving a population of 5,900, Bethel's 1:84 cab/resident ratio blows away New York City's miserable 1:149 figure. The reason? Bethel is inaccessible by road, so all vehicles must be flown or barged in; add to that the $5/gallon cost of gas and it just makes sense to call a cab. We just hope the drivers look out for moose. [Seattle Times]

If you see a Carrollton, TX police car where ...

Ray Wert — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 21:45:00 EDT

If you see a Carrollton, TX police car where it shouldn't be, or one that looks suspicious, call this number: 972-466-3333. It very well may be a fully loaded 2007 Crown Vic stolen off a Dallas-Fort Worth dealer lot on Friday. [Fox 4 News]

The Economics of Driving a New York City Taxi

Murilee Martin — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 10:30:22 EDT

Here's an interesting article that breaks down the profit-loss tightrope that New York cabbies must balance to have the numbers come out black at the end of the day. Annual gas expense for that yellow Crown Vic? $18,000.00. Most profitable fares? Midday airport runs. Cost of a NYC taxi medallion? Don't ask. And much as we like Crown Vics, it's time to bring back the Checker Marathon! – Murilee Martin

A Yellow-Cab Driver [New York Magazine]

Junkyard Finds: 1984 LTD Crown Victoria

Murilee Martin — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 11:20:14 EDT

The days of junkyards bursting at the seams with rear-drive cars packing big V8s are long gone, but you can still go into most self-service yards and find a couple of big 80s Fords with complete 351 Windsors...

Of the 200 or so engines Ford decided to call a 351, the small-block 351 Windsor was the only one that was reasonably easy to swap into a car that started life with a 289 or 302. It's a bit wider and taller, and in keeping with Ford tradition it doesn't share many parts with its nominal small-block siblings, but the Fox Mustang guys know it fits in a Fox car's engine compartment with medium sweat application. Sure, it generally requires a hood scoop or cowl to clear the air cleaner... but hey, that's not a bug- it's a feature).

In addition to the complete 351W with all accessories- including the electronic ignition system- this LTD's got a 4-speed AOD transmission (and you can tell the car started life as a police vehicle by the "Certified Calibration" label on the speedo). I know a guy who put this engine/trans combo in a '65 Falcon wagon and the result was a sweet-driving car that has good power and decent mileage.

Don't forget the dog-dish hubcaps while you're grabbing parts! What car doesn't look good with dog-dishes? – Murilee Martin

Related:
Half-Price Day Junkyard Day [internal]

Skyscraper Taxi Rolling Out RIDES

Mike Bumbeck — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 19:30:00 EDT

The New York taxi as we know it has been around for 100 years as of this Wednesday. Some of the Crown Vics in the medallion fleet look as if they've been around for twice that long. Not this one. The crew at RIDES have built a skyscraper cab to celebrate this historic anniversary. The Donk-o-Cab will be on display at the New York Auto Show, and may be pressed into service post-show as a genuine New York City medallion was part of the build up. Just don't let the 30-inch spinners hypnotize you into paying too much fare, especially if the Mooninites are driving. Full press release after the jump. – Mike Bumbeck

12,700 NYC Taxis To Get Cheerful Floral Designs; We Learned About Love in the Back of a Dodge: Shatner!; More Crown Victoria

RIDES Magazine celebrates the 100th anniversary of the New York City Taxi with a nine-foot-tall skyscraper cab

New York, NY (April 3, 2007) - In celebration of the 100th anniversary of the modern-day taxi in New York City, RIDES Magazine will unveil a one-of-a-kind hi-riser taxi that sits nine-feet-tall on Wednesday, April 4, at the 2007 New York International Auto Show.

RIDES Magazine produced the tricked-out taxi for TAXI 07, an exhibit honoring 100 years of the New York City Taxi. The custom cab boasts 30-inch chrome wheels and tires, and was built in true NYC style, designed to turn heads with sky-scraping appeal.

"Standing out is no easy task in this city," said RIDES Magazine Executive Editor Brian Scotto. "So when we set out to build this skyscraper cab, we knew it had to be literally over-the-top to turn heads, but still embrace that classic New York swagger."

The car was inspired by the hi-riser movement - an urban automotive trend most often associated with "Donks," which are customized 1970s Chevy Caprices and Impalas on oversize wheels and tires, with lifted suspensions and loud paintwork.

RIDES Magazine will exhibit the taxi outdoors in the inner roadway of the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center, at 11th Avenue and 35th Street in New York City, from April 6 to 15. The display will be open to the public.

Vehicle Stats:
1996 Ford Crown Victoria with 30-inch MHT Dub Esinem wheels, 315/30/30 Pirelli Scorpion Zero Tires and custom lifted suspension, built for RIDES Magazine by Don Whitmire of Wheel Concepts, Staten Island, NY.

About RIDES Magazine
RIDES is an urban automotive lifestyle magazine that represents the worlds of "Street, Speed, Sound and Style." Unlike any other magazine in the marketplace, RIDES bridges the worlds between enthusiast and consumer magazines and captures the automotive lifestyle that appeals to both Diddy and Donald Trump. RIDES is published nine times per year and reaches 8 million readers annually. RIDES was the first mainstream magazine to cover the hi-riser scene and publishes DONK, BOX & BUBBLE, the only magazine dedicated to these types of cars.

Beware The Long Arm Of The Fake, Molesting Law

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 16:30:00 EDT

Adding more evidence to our ongoing belief that only criminals, miscreants or Jalopnik writers drive decommissioned police cruisers, a priest and alleged child molester in Bloomfield, Connecticut has been cruising around town in one (not pictured). According to reports, this is similar to other vehicles that the priest used (going back to the 1970s) to pick up young boys, feed them liquor and then... you know. Because he was a chaplain for several local police/fire agencies, he's been able to acquire cars equipped with full police packages. Some are calling for an investigation into how he got the cars, which seems like the least they can do. – Matt Hardigree

News Times Live Report: Priest Sued For Molestation Still Drives Police Style Car [AP via News Times]

Related:
Cop Impersonator Has Own Police Station [Internal]

Buy P71 Crown Vic, Get Cop Stuff!

Murilee Martin — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 11:10:20 EST

When you buy a towed-away car from a city auction, you get all the stuff in the car that wasn't ripped off by various city employees prior to the auction. But I figured, when heading to the government-vehicle auction, that the County Sheriffs would do a pretty good job of clearing out their crap from their cars before they let them go. Not so; my Crown Victoria came with a trunk full of police stuff, including big stacks of police paperwork plus the following...

Parole Handbook And Piss Sample Box
Actually, I got about 20 of the piss sample kits (thankfully, none contained piss). The Parole Information Handbook is full of helpful tips- did you know that not only are parolees prohibited from packing brass knuckles, they can't have knuckles made of any metal? Tough luck, wannabe recidivists, the ol' zinc-knucks trick won't work in the Golden State.

The Crime Kingpin's MR2
I'm assuming this blurry Polaroid was shot at a crime scene, especially since the next shot seems to be the same car.

The Kingpin's Tools Of Evil
Just put the damning evidence on the MR2's engine cover. Yeah, thought you could pack a can of Right Guard, did you? Not in this county, creep!

See What MR2 Ownership Leads To?
No way to tell if this guy has anything to do with the MR2 in the other two shots, but it makes for a better narrative to assume he's the mid-engined-Toyota-driving Kingpin, now back at HQ to rat out his X-1/9-driving accomplices. – Murilee Martin

Po-Po Crown Vic Recall: FoMoCo and the Wheels of Steel

Davey G. Johnson — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 15:30:00 EST

The Blue Oval is staring down the barrel of a recall involving 109,664 '03-05 Crown Victoria Police Interceptors due to possibly faulty welds in the cop-spec steel wheels that can lead to rapid deflation during hot pursuit. Two crashes have resulted due to failure of the welds, although Ford's disputing the claims, as the officers involved in the wrecks weren't injured. Apparently, the recall only extends to active-duty police vehicles; ex-police Vics aren't covered, as their owners are expected to refrain from high-speed hoonage. Hear that, Murilee? – Davey G. Johnson

Wheel Problems in Ford Cop Cars [Houston Chronicle]

If You Can't Buy It, Build It: Wanky The Safety Cat

Murilee Martin — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 12:05:00 EST

When I got my first beater car as a proto-hoon of 16, my dad had some excellent advice, straight from the Midwestern heartland where he learned about wrenching: "Son," he said, squinting at my barely-running Corona, popping the top on his can of Old Milwaukee, and taking a mighty swig, "You need to get yourself a JC Whitney catalog!" He knew the address by heart: JC Whitney, Chicago, Illinois, so that's what I wrote on the postcard requesting my first catalog. Soon the first of many wonderful pulp-paper treasures appeared in my mailbox, straight from the City Of The Big Shoulders...

...and the thing that caught my attention, each time I scanned its wondrous pages, was the Winky The White Cat listing. Soft, Fluffy... and Safe! Red Eyes Flash Warning!

Winky In 1982 JC Whitney Catalog
I wanted Winky for my car, to keep me safe with his soft fluffiness and his acrylon-like fur. But I was young and foolish, worried about image. What would my friends think? Could I blast Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables on the cassette and still sport Winky in the back window, all the while keeping some semblance of coolness? Sadly, a victim of teenage peer pressure, I couldn't bring myself to buy Winky. A few years later, JC Whitney stopped carrying him. Winky was no more.
Now, 25 years later, I realize that all is not lost. Yeah, I can't buy Winky (not a real one, anyway), but I can make my own! First, the ground rules for this project:
1. The stuffed animal to be used as the basis for the project must be some sort of feline (no skunks, sharks, lemurs, etc).
2. I must obtain all the necessary parts during one trip to the thrift store and one trip to the junkyard.
3. My Winkyesque Safety Cat must be removable (i.e., not hardwired to the car), so it may be transferred from car to car.

Source Of Stuffed Cats
Heading down to my local thrift store, I dug through a huge depressing bin full of cast-off stuffed animals. Stuffed cats are rare!

We Have The Technology. We Can Rebuild Him!
But eventually, after rejecting many bears, gorillas, and dogs, I found a beige-and-white stuffed cat puppet (with talking "meow box"). Price: $1.50.

Source Of Critical Safety Cat Components
Next, a quick trip to East Oakland and the nearest self-service junkyard, where I obtained the following:

Sven Says Fasten Those Seat Belts, By Yiminy, Erky-Derk!
A couple of Fasten Seat Belt warning lights from early-70s Volvos. These babies just pop right out of the dash with a little nudge from a screwdriver.

Giuseppe Says You Drive Your Fiat Too Fast!
Here's a real junkyard gem: A "Slow Down" warning light from a mid-70s Fiat 128. I'm not sure what triggered the Slow Down indicator, but given the era I'm guessing it was set to the new Malaise-friendly 55 MPH speed limit (and, knowing Fiats, it probably came on randomly and then triggered a wiring-harness fire). I figured I'd give my Safety Cat a "third eye" brake light, in honor of Elizabeth Dole, champion of the Libby Light. It was at this moment when the name for my cat appeared to me, as in a vision from the heavens: Wanky The Safety Cat!

Toyota Tercel 6-Pin Harness Connector
Now I needed some way to disconnect and reconnect Wanky from my cars' electrical systems, so I could move him from car to car. Knowing that when it's time for junkyard electrical hardware it's best to go Japanese, I sliced out both sides of the harness connector for the rear wiper motor on an '86 Tercel wagon- I only needed four contacts for Wanky's wiring (three lights and a ground) but a couple extras don't hurt.

Female Spade Connectors
I never have enough of these things in my collection of crimp-on electrical connectors (you always use up the female spade connectors first), so I hacked out a handful from a Saab fusebox. And with all needed junkyard goodies in hand, I hopped in the Crown Vic and headed home.

Safety-Cat Grade Lamp Cord
Dumping my loot on the workbench, I realized that I needed wire for Wanky's connections to the car's light system. Since I'd limited myself to single trips to junkyard and thrift store, I had to think fast. Then I remembered a big tangle of lamp cord in my box-o-broken-electrical-crap in the basement. Eureka! Then it was time to begin Wanky's conversion from talking cat puppet to Safety Cat. To the operating table!

You'll Be A New Cat After This Elective Surgery, Wanky!
Snip, snip, snip... I pulled out a few handfuls of plasticky "cotton balls" from Wanky's innards and continued the operation.

Those Old Non-Illuminated Eyes Have Got To Go
Once I had access to the inside of Wanky's head, I cut off the mounting anchors for the unseeing plastic eyes.

Wanky Won't Be Needing These Any More
Wanky's face looks a bit... featureless at this point. But not to worry! He'll soon be sporting some serious bionic safety hardware!

Wanky Will Speak With His Eyes, Not A Meow Box
Fishing around in the cranial cavity, I removed the little plastic box that made the stuffed puppet, in his previous pre-Wanky incarnation, emit a horrible electronic meowing noise.

Let's Give That Cat Some Backbone!
Since Wanky must show more steely resolve than in his previous life as a puppet, I fabricated this armature from genuine heavy-duty coat-hanger wire...

Ahhh, Getting Stronger!
...and inserted it into head and front legs.

Now Wanky Stands On His Own Feet
Puppet no more, Wanky now stands tall and proud, ready for the next step in his metamorphosis.

Making Sure The New Eyes Fit
Time for a test-fit of the Volvo Fasten Seat Belt Lights in the holes left behind by the old eyes. A little fabric stretching and they fit just fine.

Wanky Will See All With His Mystical Third Eye
Then a little precision neurosurgery to create the socket for Wanky's Third Eye brake light. Wanky will be have features undreamt-of by the original Winky.

All Three Lights Test-Installed And Looking Good
The Third Eye fits perfectly. All systems go!

The Smoke From Flux Is Filling My Lungs
Sorry, couldn't resist the Primus reference. Once we know the lights will fit in Winky's face, out they come and the soldering begins. I prefer to solder rather than use crimp-type connectors when possible. Each light has its positive lead go to a separate wire on the male harness connector, and all three lights connect to a common ground wire. The extra two leads on both sides of the harness are cut off close to the connector plugs.

Wanky Is Special, And That Means Special Electrical Tape
Double-wrap the soldered connections with genuine yellow electrical tape. Not sure why I have so much yellow electrical tape, but you use what you got on hand, buddy!

Cat Side Of Harness Is Ready To Implant
Once all the taping is done, Winky's side of the harness is just about ready for testing.

Labeling The Wires
At this point it's a good idea- well, a necessity, really- to label each of the wires on the vehicle side of the harness, while it's still easy to match them up with their counterparts on the Wanky side. Masking tape and Sharpy work well for this task.

A Source Of 12VDC Is Handy
Before implanting Wanky's new hot-rodded innards and stitching him up, the innards should be tested for proper functioning. For this I will need a source of 12 volts DC (or thereabouts); this old wall-wart adapter, with plug sliced off and stripped wire ends, will do nicely. Incandescent bulbs don't care about polarity, so no need to label the positive and negative leads from the adapter.

Success!
And the lights all work fine. Here they are, all hooked up to 12 volts together. After the test, into the cat go the lights and harness! Looking good, Wanky!

Wanky Gets Some Added Bulk
Wanky, having started life as a puppet, was a bit on the thin side, so I figured some DOT-approved Safety Cat Stuffing Compound (i.e., a pair of old socks) would be just the ticket.

You Can't Use Too Many Zip-Ties
A couple of zip-ties to ensure that the harness stays connected to the backbone and Wanky is ready to be stitched up...

Someone Stole My Red Swingline
OK, Wanky is getting stapled up. Staples are better-suited than stitches to withstand the massive G-forces sure to be placed upon Wanky when my Crown Victoria hits the Nimitz Freeway with every cubic centimeter of its 4.6 liters screaming for vengeance.

Wanky's Umbilical Cord
After the stapling is complete, the harness protrudes from Winky's belly. Now it's time to get the car ready to provide Wanky with a new home!

Drilling Hole Through Package Shelf
First, there needs to be a hole for the harness to pass through from the passenger compartment to the trunk (although the San Joauqin County Sheriff's Department- my car's original owner- had seen fit to drill about 100 extra holes in the car for their various pieces of cop hardware, there were none on the package shelf). Some quick work with the drill and that's done.

Car-Side Harness Connector In Place
Harness in place in Wanky's future spot. Now all that's needed is to hook up the wires to the car's electrical system.

Rear Light Harness Already Plenty Compromised
Fortunately, the SJC Sheriff's had already hacked into the harness feeding the Crown Vic's rear lights, no doubt for their gumball-machine flashers and whatnot (let's not discuss the scary stuff they did to the dash wiring), so I had ample locations into which I could splice Wanky's wiring. So, with a little help from a voltmeter, I ID'd the left and right turn-signal positive leads...

Turn Signal Wires Installed
...and did the solder-and-yellow-tape business on them. The Crown Vic's trunk is so big that I can just sit cross-legged in it while stripping and soldering wires; very comfortable. That lamp cord looks high-performance, eh?

Tapping Into The Libby Light Circuit
It was a really tight fit to get to the harness feeding the center brake light and I didn't feel like getting a sore neck soldering in there, so I just crimped up a little spade-connector jumper-with-lead deal to insert between the two halves of yet another cop-car-gear connector. Can't always be a solder purist.

Rare Earth
The now-departed cop-car radio gear required plenty of ground connectors, so I attached the ground lead from the Wanky harness to this conveniently-located one on the trunk hinge bracket. A half-dozen or so zip-ties and the new wiring is all squared away. It looks like the factory did it (well, if the Ford assembly plant ran out of wire and had to start ransacking appliance cords from the office, that is).

Here's Where You Do Your Thang, Wanky!
Time has come to place Wanky on his throne, where he will proudly survey the landscape behind the car and warn approaching motorists of danger with his soft, fluffy safeness. The harness connectors are joined at last!

Left Turn Signal Works!
Now it's time for a NASA-spec Extreme Safety Cat Testing Regimen. First, the left turn signal. So far so good...

Right Turn Signal Works Too!
Flip the turn signal stalk to the right and- whaddya know? it's working on the first try!

SLOW YOUR ASS DOWN, YA MANIAC!
Wanky's all-seeing third eye (plus his regular eyes, as in the original Winky) will beam a message of safety to tailgaters.

Stopping And Turning?
And, when the brakes are being applied and the turn signal is on at the same time, the appropriate eye will blink while the others continue to indicate deceleration. Because Wanky, he is all about the safety, no?

View From The Driver's Seat
I was a little concerned that Wanky would block my view out the back window, but that's not the case at all. In fact, his acrylon-like fur provides a soothing sense of safety every time I glance in the mirror.

Heads Up! Wanky's On The Job Now!
And any concerns that my car would look less than dignified with Wanky standing guard are immediately swept away. Hell, his fur even matches the paint!

So now I've been driving with Wanky for a few days, and I must say the reaction from the driving public has been overwhelmingly... well, if I'm honest... confused. But I haven't been rear-ended nor shot, so I'd say Wanky's safety record has been perfect. So now, even if JC Whitney never brings back the original Winky The White Cat (camped-up reproductions for ironic hipsters don't count), I'll be basking in the safeness of my own custom-made Wanky The Safety Cat. And so can you- so get ye to the thrift store and junkyard! – Murilee Martin

JC Whitney Online Catalog [JC Whitney]

12,700 NYC Taxis To Get Cheerful Floral Designs

Murilee Martin — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 09:24:30 EST

What's the best way for New York City to celebrate 100 years of motorized taxis? Why, put flowery stickers all over every yellow Crown Vic in town, of course! The application of the decals, "symbolizing life, beauty, hope, joy, inspiration and healing," will not be mandatory, but it is hoped that cab owners will leap into the program with great enthusiasm. World peace to follow. – Murilee Martin

New York City In Full Bloom [Garden In Transit]

Cop Impersonator Has Own Police Station

Murilee Martin — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 14:07:35 EST

My daily driver is an ex-cop P71 Crown Victoria, so the reactions of other drivers (not to mention the gentlemen who tend to hang around East Oakland corner liquor stores) let me know that it's pretty easy to resemble a member of the law enforcement community without even trying. However, this Long Island man was trying, and not just with the police vehicle or even the mail-order badges- he set himself up in his own police station. And it goes without saying that he was willing to accept fines for traffic violations on the spot- in cash, natch- plus he needed that guy's SUV for his 'police investigation.' Busted. – Murilee Martin

Long Island man charged with impersonating cop [Gary Post-Tribune]

Related:
Team Police Officer Arrested by Polizei [internal]

Ohio One-Seven Want Their Crown Vics Fire-Suppressed

Davey G. Johnson — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 15:00:00 EDT

The union representing Ohio's state troopers has taken to pounding tables and calling out, "Thus, for the Albigensians!" Or, er, they're calling for fire-suppression systems on all of their patrol Crown Victorias, after a cruiser collided with a civilian vehicle and the roller's gas tank ruptured, leading to a fire that killed two officers and the driver of the truck they ran into. While the state has purchased two Vics with fire-suppression systems for evaluation purposes, the rest of the nigh-on thousand cars the law-enforcement agency uses daily go without active anti-flamb protection. A spokeswoman from Ford maintains that the vehicles are safe and that given the circumstances of the accident, the outcome wasn't unreasonable. The union, understandably, thinks otherwise. – Davey G. Johnson

Troopers union seeks cars with fire-suppression systems [Akron Beacon-Journal]

One Adam Twelve: Ford Crown Vic Due for Freshening in 2009

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:30:38 EDT

According to Law and Order magazine, those who thought the defender of the old guard — the Panther platform'd, body-on-frame Ford Crown Victoria — was on its way into mothballs should think another think. A slightly freshened Vicky is reportedly in the works for 2009. That's bad news for Dodge, which is making a major play for the police market with its Charger cruiser, but good news for the boys in blue who don't want to give up their CVPIs (Crown Victoria Police Interceptors) and for those Fordies who hang around the auctions waving fistfuls of sawbucks. [Thanks to Sajeev for the tip.]

Ford Police Advisory Board Spring 2006 [Law and Order via Crownvic.net]

Kickin' The (Oil) Habit In Vegas: More On Mark's Corny Ride

Davey G. Johnson — Sat, 22 Jul 2006 00:42:42 EDT

Our cross-country adventurin' boy in the alcoholic car, Mark Pike, has his first update from the road for us. It's short and sweeter than summer corn:

Since leaving Washington, DC powered exclusively by E85 fuel, we've driven through seventeen states, chilled with Governors, chatted with Congressional Representatives, and discussed boxers vs. briefs with Senators.

We've attended baseball games and churches, hung out with farmers and farmer's daughters, driven dump trucks, recorded rap songs, and eaten more beef jerky than is recommended by the Surgeon General.

Who said kicking the oil habit couldn't be fun?

We're about to leave Vegas right now, and I was hoping lucky number Red 21 would win us enough E85 fuel money to get us to the Pacific. Mark Twain was right, gambling is the stupid man's tax."

Keep checking back over the next couple of days — hopefully the free wi-fi will keep up for the rest of the trip. Also, check out our very own Robert Farago's talk with the young lad over on TTAC.

Here Today, Corn Tomorrow: The E85 Road Trip [TTAC]; Kick the Oil Habit Road Trip - Cruising on Homegrown Fuel [kickthehabit.org]

Tripping The Ethanol Fantastic: Mark Pike's Corny Cross-Country Ride

Ray Wert — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 17:15:42 EDT

The video above is what happens when you have Senator Barack Obama introduce some college kids with a lot of time on their hands and a lot of hatred of oil dependence in their hearts. Watch as Obama uses simplistic and ill-prepared talking points to explain how three college kids plan to strap themselves into a 2006 Ford Crown Victoria Flex-Fuel in Washington DC with a game plan of reaching LA and stopping only at gas stations pumping sweet light corn-flavored ethanol. So what you end up getting is the cross-country "Kick The Oil Habit" road trip. It's an idea that although great — would probably be easier with more stations than just the 750 or so currently stocking the yellow blend. But, wait — we feel like that's what Mark Pike, the leader of this zany adventure, wants to get across to us, the teeming, sweat-soaked masses. Maybe there's something we can do to get more stations serving corn-flavored fuel, even if it's less efficient, it still helps the US of A towards energy less-than-dependence — if only we knew how to help.

We contacted Mark and he's going to be providing an update or two for us from the road. Although we're a bit late to the party as they're allready in Vegas, we're happy to have the opportunity to hear more about Mark's Corny Ride. Check back for his first update later this afternoon.

Kick The Oil Habit

Insurance Institute Hits Them From the Side; Resulting Headlines Top List of Most Obvious

Ray Wert — Mon, 19 Jun 2006 12:37:31 EDT

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety apparently likes it like we do — releasing the results over the weekend of the 2006 side impact crashworthiness (we didn't even make that word up!) tests, and now we're treated to 75 articles in papers across the country all saying "Study: Side Air Bags Improve Safety." Well — umm — yeah, that's true, and thank you Associated Press for your hard work in making it clear to the whole world it's better to smack your head into a pillowy cushion of air than a piece of hard industra-plasti-vinyl with metal underneath. Geez.

Oh, the results? Is that what you're asking for? Well...

...the Chevy Impala and Toyota Avalon both received "good" ratings, the Buick Lucerne and Hyundai Azera received "acceptable" ratings and the Buick LaCrosse and Chrysler 300 received "marginal" ratings — all when tested with side airbags. Of the large cars tested without side airbags, the Chrysler 300, Ford Five Hundred and Ford Crown Victoria — all received ratings of "Poor." It should be noted that when the Ford Five Hundred was tested last year with side airbags, it received a Gold Medal — so it's got that going for it.

So remember kids, side airbags save lives.

Study: Side Air Bags Improve Safety [CBS/AP]
New side impact crash test results: Impala, Avalon are top large car performers [IIHS]

Cabamino! Taxichero?

Davey G. Johnson — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 18:01:34 EST

Our man in the Trans Am with a beer in his hand, Guy Overfelt kicked down this image of a pickup-taxi on the streets of San Francisco. His succinct statement was "WTF?" Our pithy analysis? "Totally. Fucking. Ruling."

Related:
More El Caminos [Internal]