Jalopnik: Contests

Jalopnik Photochop Contest: The GEM Peapod

Ben Wojdyla — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 14:40:00 EDT

When we spotted the GEM Peapod outside of Chrysler's world headquarters in Auburn Hills and later with an actual press release, we couldn't help but think it has a face made for photochopping. We mean come on, it's so smiley! As a result, we want you to put your clever caps on and chop the heck out of this thing. Don't feel limited to the gated, smiley community, there's always the possibility of making it frowny too. Or a tyrannosaurus rex. Whatever you want, just use your imagination. Whatever you decide to do, remember to e-mail me your work at ben@jalopnik.com and we'll have a run-off vote for the winner. Feel free to post 'em in the comments section and if you need a little help on how to do that, check out the commenting guide here. Now go have fun. Also, hit the jump to see how we started off the car Peapod-shopping craziness!

How Many Tecates Did Team Porcubimmer Swill? Closest Guess Wins A Team T-Shirt!

Murilee Martin — Tue, 06 May 2008 15:00:00 EDT

When you spend all your spare time for months beating a sub-$500 car into a 24 Hours of LeMons racer, you develop a powerful thirst. Team Porcubimmer decided early on in their build that their thirst would be quenched exclusively by those red cans from Mexico, and then they decided that the smell of stale beer in the garage was so good that they'd save all the empties. So now the question: how many cans did they guzzle? You can submit your guess at their site, and the winner will get a team "Pricks Outside" T-shirt. [Porcubimmer.com]

Postal Service Scion Hako Takes Top Honors

Ben Wojdyla — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 17:45:00 EDT

Congratulations to reader and USPS aficionado suzq044, for the commentariat have dubbed you the winner of the Scion Hako Redesign competition. We were pulling for the Hakominos and earlier the paper-and-tape Rothified Hako, but saying so may have steered voting so we decided not to. We have to say the entries were most impressive, ranging from incredible technical prowess to displays of absolute comic genius. To claim your prize suzq044, send an email to me and we'll get those sweet, sweet Scion hats in the mail tout de suite. Thanks to all who entered and hopefully Toyota got the clue that we were none too thrilled with their latest box on wheels.

Choose The Winner Of The Scion Hako Redesign Contest

Ben Wojdyla — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Despite the mass confusion we caused when the underfed server hamsters failed to order the galleries properly, yesterday's voting saw some clear front runners emerge in our effort to redesign the ugly-stick inspired Scion Hako Concept. While we're kind of disappointed the Burberry Wert version didn't make the cut, we completely understand there's only so much Wert the commentariat can take. In any case, the final five have been selected and now it's up to you to vote for our winner. If yours is among the chosen, make sure to jump into the comment section and lobby the cause. We'll be declaring the winner on Monday, so good night, and good luck.

Scion Hako Redesign Contest, Let The Battle Begin

Ben Wojdyla — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:30:00 EDT

We tried, we really did. We just couldn't cut the entries from the Scion Hako Redesign Contest down enough to make this voting process even mildly manageable. We apologize if your entry got left on the cutting room floor, but we were inundated with chops that ran the scale from amazing to amazingly awesomely bad. What we're left with is a set of forty of the best, worst, and most amusing redesigns for the fug-nasty Scion Hako. Since there are so many entries, we're going to let you narrow things down a bit. To keep things fair we stripped the names off and we're not going to name names on this round, just so some of you more popular hooligans don't win by sheer wit. Browse through the gallery and pick out your favorite, make a note of the number above the image and vote away. We'll take the top 5 vote-getters and have a vote-off tomorrow afternoon then send the winner some rad hats.

View this quiz on Quibblo
More quizzes on Quibblo

*EDIT: We tried to put the pics in order, but the internets are confounding us today

Redesign The Scion Hako Concept - Win Some Scion Hats

Ben Wojdyla — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:00:00 EDT

To say the Scion Hako Concept went over poorly with the Jalopnik staff would be something of an understatement. Every time we checked the front page we'd recoil in horror as the Hako scrolled past on the screen. It became the generic stake by which other cars were measured. "At least it's not the Hako" was heard more than once. Now, considering the depth of photochopping skill we see ~~from Chrysler~~ here on a daily basis, we're betting you guys can do better than the awkward and boxy "American vintage style" Scion touted at the New York Auto Show.

Instead of being only a contest for Photoshop whiz kids, for this one, we'll be giving bonus points to those who use the crudest software drawing package. If you send us a design using ASCII, you've got a better chance at winning than the guy using MSPaint who has a leg up on the guy using Photoshop. This is not to say the people using P-Shop can't win. Perhaps he or she uses a design completely consisting of a mosaic of kittens duplicated with the stamp tool. Be creative, be inventive, be original, and use curves, heavens knows Scion didn't. Send us your submissions via a post on this thread, or directly to myself at the address on the sidebar by Wednesday of next week. We'll cull the initial entries and let you all vote on the winner, then that lucky artist will see both of those sweet Scion hats arriving by mail for the efforts. Good luck, and may the best crappiest design win.

Plan on Dying From DUI This Holiday? Win a Free Coffin!

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 09:30:00 EST

A newspaper in St. Mary's, Maryland is offering a free coffin to the first person to kill themselves in a drunk driving accident over the holiday season. The editor's brother was killed by a drunk driver in 1975 and has been crusading against drunk driving ever since. It's a compelling message, though we wonder how effective it's going to be. Though we do hear Tony La Russa is an early favorite.

Reading the guy's newspaper (St. Mary's Today) makes use wonder if he isn't a bit off. That being said, I'm sure most of us have lost people we cared about to drunk driving and hope that no one has to claim the prize. [Total Lawyers Blog]

The Knittiest Car Accessory

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 10:00:00 EST

In an attempt to reach out to the important crafty demo, Scion launched their Crafty My Ride competition. The entrant with the craftiest accessory for the mini-Toyotas wins a brand spanking new xD and we're happy to throw our support behind these bizarre dashboard buddies. We haven't seen the other entries, so we're not sure if she's got the competition sewn-up, but we know she's made it into the top 20 at least.

This was actually suggested as a re-gift by POLAR, but we can't help but sort of appreciate the effort for the one-off. [Scion]

Send In Project Car Hell Tips, Get A T-Shirt!

Murilee Martin — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:00:00 EST

Some of our favorite Project Car Hell cars have been those that we heard about from readers who emailed us tips, and we want to encourage even more of you to become PCH Tipsters. That's why I've ~~spent next to nothing~~ spared no expense to make these fine handcrafted T-shirts for our beloved Tipster Crew. Yes, starting with the ~~crappiest thrift-store shirts imaginable~~ the highest-quality shirts I could obtain, each color of ~~clearance sale spray paint~~ garment-grade dye was applied using only the ~~most hacked-together cardboard stencils~~ finest silk-screen gear.

Actually, these things were way more work than I bargained for- I ended up using 7 stencils in the design.

You get the Murilee Martin Lifestyle Brand logo (thanks to Ecurie Ecrappe for the idea) on the back; the photos below show how the MMLB logo was applied:

First, the Murilee Martin text goes on.

That green high-temp paint stays on pretty well in the wash.

Next, the skull's outline.

Maybe I should have used a darker color, but it's what I had.

Then the eyes, nose, and teeth get applied.

This is genuine gray primer, for the discerning PCH-er.

And, finally, the wrench-through-the-eyeholes treatment. I was scouring the internet for a nice wrench image when I realized all I needed to do was to grab a real wrench out of the toolbox and trace it. Funny how teh internets makes us forget reality.

And, there we have it!

So, you want to show off your Project Car Hell Tipster credentials, do you? Well, here's how you get a shirt:

1. You must email valid URLs for two potential PCH cars to me (murilee at jalopnik dot com). The cars don't need to have a common theme, but it's always fun if you can find a good theme to tie them together. Bonus points for finding car ads in obscure (i.e., non-Craigslist, non-eBay) sources. You do not need to write any copy for the PCH post, as that's my job (but feel free to do so if you're highly motivated to do some keyboard pounding).
2. I must use your tips in a Project Car Hell post. If I use just one of the cars I might send you a shirt anyway, but to be one the safe side you should try to find two really good ones.
3. If I use your tips, you must send me a shipping address. Outside of the US is fine. Shipping will be via the cheapest method possible, and I'll get to it when I get to it, so be patient.

OK? Tipsters, attempt to start your Hell Projects' seized engines!

2009 Corvette ZR1 Caught On Video At Laguna Seca Vettegasm!

Ray Wert — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 00:53:57 EDT

After that hot shot earlier, we didn't think it could get better. It did. Yup, now there's video straight from the folks at ALMS of the "p***y magnet" itself, the 2009 Corvette ZR1 taking its hot lap. It's almost as if they all knew this was going to happen. In fact it appears they did. We're expecting the Corvettegasm to continue throughout the weekend. Why we even thought we'd have to pay a bounty of $1000 for any of this is beyond us. [via ALMS]

2009 Corvette ZR1 Spotted At Laguna Seca, $1000 Bounty Goes Unawarded

Ray Wert — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 23:03:48 EDT

Sorry folks, it looks like even with our legions of loyal readers seeking a quick buck by way of our ground-breaking $1000 bounty on spy photos of the 2009 Chevy Corvette ZR1, it just wasn't enough to beat some kid in a forum. That's where we found this shot of the new super-Vette which apparently hit the track this afternoon for some hot laps in the hot Monterey sun. We now hear it's been boarded back up in its truck and is now Detroit-bound. But fear not, we won't be deterred. It's obvious we just need to snag some change from under the couch cushions to drop into the basket for our next bounty. Maybe we'll even double the price and see if we can snap shots of Zee Really fast One with even less camo — like none at all. [via Corvette Forum]

Mazda Teams with Facebook to Find Designer of the "2018 Mazda3"

Mike Spinelli — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 11:00:23 EDT

What will a Mazda3 look like in the year 2018? If you said something like "rotary-powered pinecone," you may have what it takes to win a new contest. Mazda's turning to Facebook to find new design talent as part of the Mazda Design Challenge. Contestants have to submit a 150-word description of their vision of the 2018 Mazda3, and an optional sketch. The winner will work with the counterintuitively American Franz von Holzhausen, director of Mazda Design in North America and his team to build a concept car that will debut at the Los Angeles auto show in November. Any ideas, oh peanut gallery of my eye?

Press Release:

WANTED: DESIGNER TO CREATE THE 2018 MAZDA3, LIVE ON STAGE AT THE LA AUTO SHOW IN A WORLD-EXCLUSIVE DESIGN CHALLENGE

IRVINE, Calif., September 27, 2007 - It's the ultimate assignment: tell Mazda what you think the 2018 MAZDA3 should look like. And better, if your design is chosen, you'll have the chance to put your talent where your mouth is at the Greater Los Angeles Auto Show, where you'll work with Mazda designers to bring your creation to life in front of more than a million anxious show-goers.

The "Mazda Design Challenge," launched today on Facebook.com (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7602701619), will enlist help from Facebook members across the United States to compete to design a future MAZDA3, Mazda's best-selling car globally. For the first time ever in the auto industry, the victor will work with Franz von Holzhausen, director of Mazda Design in North America, and his team, to bring the concept to life, live on stage at the 2007 Los Angeles International Auto Show.

To enter, contestants must submit a 150-word description of their vision of the 2018 MAZDA3 including an optional sketch drawing. The Mazda Design team will then judge each entry, choosing 10 semi-finalists. Five finalists will be chosen by the Facebook community. Each of the five finalists will be paired with a Mazda designer to hone their concept, which will then be judged and voted on in a second round by fellow Facebook members.

Voting will take place over the course of a week, with the winning designer traveling to Los Angeles to hone their work with the Mazda Design team. Over the course of the ten-day auto show, the winner will bring their vision to fruition, ending with a full-scale model that represents their view of what the 2018 MAZDA3 will be.

"The 'Mazda Design Challenge' is an exciting, interactive competition that capitalizes on the power and influence of social networking," said David Klan, director of marketing, MNAO. "By inviting young voices into the highly classified and secretive design process, Mazda will prove it's a company involved in an active partnership with its customers."

"Usually the design ideas come from inside our studio, but this is a rare opportunity for my team to look at design through our potential customers' eyes," added von Holzhausen. "Never before has any other automaker built a concept car on the show stand, in full view of show attendees. The pressure's really going to be on all of us - especially the contest winner - to get it finished in time for the closing weekend of the show."

Travel, accommodations, $1,000 spending cash and a new MAZDA3 to drive during their stay awaits the winner. In addition, the winner will have the opportunity to take the microphone to introduce the final concept at its unveiling on the final day of the show.

The contest is open only to residents of the United States, and begins on September 25 and ends on November 7, 2007 at 11:59 p.m. EST. Participants must enter by visiting Facebook.com.

Headquartered in Irvine, Calif., Mazda North American Operations oversees the sales, marketing, parts, accessories and customer service support of Mazda vehicles in the United States, Canada and Mexico through nearly 900 dealers. Operations in Canada are managed by Mazda Canada Inc., located in Ontario, Canada, and in Mexico by Mazda Motor de México in Mexico City.

Wango Tango! Dance Marathon for a Dodge Durango in Texas

Mike Spinelli — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 10:19:01 EDT

Anyone who's seen "Hands on a Hardbody" knows Texans will endure all manner of tediousness to win a truck. Not content to give Nissan the last word, Dodge is sponsoring an endurance dance contest, the "Dodge Durango Tango" at the State Fair of Texas today. The enduring hoofer — partnered with a life-sized doll dressed up with wardrobe props — will win a 2008 Dodge Durango. Appearing at the event will be Emmitt "Lost: Answers to the Name of 'Dignity'" Smith, who will endure his own marathon of PR copywriters' "dancing with the cars" puns. C'mon now, it's for charity. Every hour the contest lasts, the Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Dallas will receive $500. Now get out there and jingle-jangle your bone spurs.

Starion Racing Video Music Contest, Part 2

Mike Bumbeck — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:00:00 EDT

More eighties ~~bombast~~ music and STP helps the Starion slay an onslaught of Ford Sierras, BMW's, and even a Volvo in the second video segment of the contest. We're not sure if Andy Granatelli had anything to do with this STP race car, or what makes this second and near 20 minute video the Hot Version. Wait for it... – Mike Bumbeck

Starion Racing Video Music Contest, Part 1

Mike Bumbeck — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Long before editing software made it easy for even Chim-Chim to put together a video of his dancing cousins, it seems Mitsubishi assembled their own quality versions of racing videos. As far as we can determine from the eighties soundtrack, these two rolls were produced during the actual run of the Starion itself. The first person to correctly identify all songs featured in both videos will win a genuine used OEM hydraulic lifter from a 1987 Mitsubishi Starion ESI-R. This is video number one - We Are Fast. – Mike Bumbeck

PART 2; Contest Rules; 523 Horsepower Starion Bar-B-Que [Internal]

Digging for Oil: Volkswagen Seeks Oldest Running VW Diesel

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 08:42:32 EST

Our first run-in with a Volkswagen Rabbit diesel, sometime in the late 1970s, began and ended with the phrase, "Mister, I think your car's on fire." In the ensuing decades, the company's oil burners, now designated TDI, grew more prevalent, despite a few hiccups regarding quick-burnout glow plugs, tightened emissions controls and varying sulfur content. Now, the company's looking for the oldest running VW diesel in the US, which as Edmunds Inside Line points out, will likely be a 1977 Rabbit (12,393 were sold that year). The winning owner will get the use of a 2007 VW Touareg V10 TDI for six months. Not that they'll need it. Anyone who could keep a Rabbit Diesel running for 30 years could probably build his own car out of coffee cups and discarded lawn furniture, presumably at will. – Mike Spinelli

Volkswagen Kicks Off Search for Vintage Diesel Vehicles [Edmunds]

Business in the Front, Party in the Back: Jalopnik and Motortopia's Rate-a-Camino Contest, Still Judging for Now

Mike Spinelli — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 16:30:00 EDT

Here's your daily reminder that there are Caminos up on Motortopia in need of rating. Won't you please lend a hand to the Caminos less fortunate and rate them? For the price of zero cups of coffee, you can help one Camino submitter get a $50 gift certificate from eBay Motors. It's not a steak or a warm coat, but it's a start. Also, as we've said before, Motortopia will be an online outpost for the Jalop, so sign up now and send us a frend request — we'll be running similar contests, reader-car hoedowns and whatever else we (or you) can think of. We'll be announcing the winner of the Rate-a-Camino contest on Friday morning. Send any ideas to tips@jalopnik.com.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back: Jalopnik and Motortopia's Rate-a-Camino Contest, Still Judging

Mike Spinelli — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 15:59:00 EDT

Lest we not let you forget, the Caminos are up on Motortopia — and they need judging. The most highly rated "Camino" in the set will score a $50 gift certificate from eBay Motors for whoever sent it in. Also, as we've said before, Motortopia will be an online outpost for the Jalop, so sign up now and send us a frend request — we'll be running similar contests, reader-car hoedowns and whatever else we (or you) can think of. We'll be announcing the winner of the Rate-a-Camino contest on Friday morning. Send any ideas to tips@jalopnik.com.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back: Jalopnik and Motortopia's Rate-a-Camino Contest, Judging Now

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 08:30:36 EDT

Okay, kids. The Caminos are up on Motortopia — let the scrutiny begin. Remember, the most highly rated "Camino" will win a $50 gift certificate from eBay Motors for he who sent it in. Motortopia will also become an online outpost for the Jalop, so sign up now and send us a frend request — we'll be running other such contests, reader-car show-offs and whatever else we (or you) can think of. We'll be announcing the winner of the Rate-a-Camino contest on Friday morning. Go, now, do.

Jalopnik Caption Contest: Dang 'ol Britney Spears Edition, Eh? Still Going

Mike Spinelli — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 18:04:55 EDT

The latest Jalopnik caption contest is still iin play. The entries are flying in like Britney Spears' relatives after her first record company advance. But she's not the focus of this here contest. Since we're holding to our disqualification of all Britney/Federline references. We'll be announcing the winner on Friday, so keep 'em coming to tips@jalopnik.com.

Jalopnik Caption Contest: Dang 'ol Britney Spears Edition, Eh?

Mike Spinelli — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 19:11:38 EDT

When a reader sent in this shot from Canada (thanks, Tony), our poor goofball-brain was knocked clean off its axis. A perfect opportunity, we thought, to launch into another Jalopnik Caption Contest. The only rule this time is this: Considering the obviousness of the Britney Spears redneck-to-nouveaux-riches narrative, we're disqualifying all entries with Brit as the subject. We're beyond that, people. (Well, we're not, but y'all smarty pantses surely must be.) Good luck — prize to be announced. Send 'em to tips@jalopnik.com.

Booty! Volvo Buries Pirate XC90, Finder Gets To Keep It

maustin — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 17:15:24 EDT

It's been going on for two weeks already, but Volvo has buried an XC90. Not just any XC90, mind you, but a Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest-themed XC90. Yeah, we're kind of wondering about how Vovlo and pirates go together too. But never mind that, because if you find the cargo container that the XC is sealed in, you get to keep the car. But how are you going to drive it with your peg-leg and hook? All you have to do is go to a Volvo dealership to get a map, and then get caught up on all the clues. The final clue comes out July 11th.

The Hunt [Volvo]

Related:
Habemus Volvo! Pope's New Whip [internal]

Make Love to Farago!

Davey G. Johnson — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 23:20:40 EDT

Our resident recently-bipolar commentator, one Robert Farago, is throwing a contest. After having snatched up the lascivious and hard-charging Jonny Lieberman, he's on a hunt for more talent. The winner gets the usual 50p-plus-pocket-lint afforded to TTAC writers as well as the attendant glory as being annointed by the industry's grumpiest middle-aged man as an astute commentator on things automotive. Oh, and a piece of a busted Ford GT. The subject? "The Truth About Muscle Cars." The limit? 800 words. Our entry? "Our muscle car got us mad gash. Our SUV doesn't." We win.

TTAC Writing Contest [The Truth About Cars]

Related:
The Truth About Jeep's Faulty Brand Compass [Internal]

New Year, New Caption Contest: Graphical Bimmer, the Winner

Mike Spinelli — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 09:36:39 EST

One Jalopnik commenter called it the "Where's the Beef" of the '00s, but the "Priceless" Mastercard slogan construction still appears to work as a comedic device. Readers have selected a winner for the first Jalopnik Caption Contest of the new year, and that is, "The "Dream BMW - $30,000; Wal-Mart Vinyl Graphics for BMW - $30; Spotting wanked out 82 Jetta with the same graphics - Priceless." Congratulations to Andy for walking away with the Jeep "lockbox" auto show swag that lengthened our airport security experience by 500%.

New Year, New Caption Contest: Graphical Bimmer, the Vote

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 17 Jan 2006 08:00:00 EST

Oh, you thought we forgot about the latest caption contest? Nope — we were just otherwise occupied by the Detroit auto show and a subsequent illness that had nothing to do with any particular vehicle we saw there (or even the unseasonably warmish, damp conditions). We're ready to go now, having identified a proper bit of Detroit swag as a prize — Jeep's lockbox press package, which could be quite a collectors' item in a few hundred years. Unlike other caption contests, this time we're bidding our car-nut gallery to make the final decision among the finalists we've already picked. Vote wisely, that lock box deserves a worthy home — especially after all it took to get past airport security. Set your pick after the jump.

New Year, New Caption Contest: Graphical Bimmer, Part 2

Mike Spinelli — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 12:01:00 EST

People, people, c'mon! We've gotten some decent entries for this, our latest caption contest, but the turnout has been fractional compared to previous ones. We know you're probably too busy nursing retinal dislocation from such an overblown graphical display, but open it up. Don't be shy, make with the captions. There's a prize, remember, though we've yet to identify a specific one — but it might involve some Detroit swag from next week's show, if there is any. Send 'em to tips@jalopnik.com.

New Year, New Caption Contest: Graphical Bimmer

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 11:01:25 EST

We're squeaking in the new year with a new caption contest that's sure to blow the lid off all caption contests that came before it. And even if it doesn't, who cares, it's two thousand freaking six, ferchrissakes! The photo comes courtesy of Metafilter Matt, who saw this poor, hyperchromatic Bimmer self-consciously parked outside a museum, hopefully not too near the Institute for the Treatment of Photosensitive Epilepsy. Send your entries to tips@jalopnik.com.

Jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest, Day 5: The Wi(e)nner!

Davey G. Johnson — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 20:32:03 EST

Alas, all good things must come to an end. And thankfully for some readers, they no longer have to look forward to a daily photo of a man doing the tube snake boogie with a Range Rover's tailpipe while gussied up like a Polk Street hooker. You know what we're talkin' bout, SF kids. In the end, there can be only one. And that one comes to us from Elliot: "Sure, the US was nice, but what Sigmar really missed about his semester at the Rhode Island School of Design was the parties."

It's got a certain je ne sais quois to it that was just that much of a cut above some other superb entries. Plus, we just like Rhode Island refs in general. We're not sure what Elliot won yet, but we promise it'll be something we picked out ourselves, it won't be pre-worn socks, and it'll have something to do with cars.

Anyway, here're a few more entries we found amusing:

Unofficial Second Place:
"The rest of the rugby team had thought that Gavin s oft-professed love of all things British was a mere bit of bluster, until after the fourteenth pint he produced the photographic evidence from his wallet." -Spencer

Other Worthies:
"Although Range Rovers do have a reputation for being temperamental, most owners find some flowers or a box of chocolates to be sufficient to keep the car running reliably. However, if you give the car an inch, she will take a mile, as this poor fellow found out." -Dylan

"Anxious to investigate the very Earthlike class M planet, the Enterprise away team beams to the surface. Almost immediately, it occurs to them that the Prime Directive says nothing about laughing one's ass off." -Tom

And, one more time, if you really need to see the uncensored version, click here. Thanks for playing everyone, and remember: keep one foot in the gutter, and one fist in the gold.

jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest, Day 4: Hooverin'!

Davey G. Johnson — Sat, 17 Dec 2005 23:37:13 EST

Nothing excites the masses like a man in ladies' delicates with his bits 'n' pieces pointin' toward the out end of the combustion chamber that's what we always say. And apparently, we're borne out on this. Monday, we'll bring you the winner of this darn fool charade, but you've still got the weekend to toss your entries into the ring. Today's focus is on everyone's favorite lawman, J. Edgar Hoover. In case you wanna get a peek a the full scandal, the non-black-dotted version is here. As ever, entries go to tips@jalopnik.com, latest non-winny-yet-worthies after the jump.

"While he was considered a sharp dresser, little did those in Washington imagine that J. Edgar had a pension for limeys." -Alex

"J. Edgar Hoover aficionado loves new Range Rover." -Ross

On Ford's AFA Problems:
"Ford's attempt at winning back gay buyers goes a little too far." -Michael

"The president of the AFA? Oh, he's out working on his Landie. Can he call you back?" -Alex

More Honorable Attempts:
"Emissions Testing in Arkansas" -J.

"Ok Gerald, you win. You're right, you can do your Rover doggystyle; the McRib is yours. However, i'm keeping the fries 'cuz your manboobs, though ample, scream Brown Freelander, not Vesuvius Range..." -Andrew

"Check your vehicle often for performance robbing debris that may have become attached while driving thru unfamiliar areas." -Tom

"Derrick Smyth, Earl of the county of Buckinghamshire, poses proudly with his latest dogging conquest". -Snehal

"SWM - 45, 210, Blonde, BDSM, Crossdressing, Auto Enthusiast. Average bachelor looking for a woman who can operate an accelerator on my pristine Range Rover, age/race & looks are unimportant." -Jonathon

Fave of the Day:
Charles recent wager with Nigel over strict literal exactness had been going well that afternoon that is until Lucas Electric reared its head once again, causing the words Fuck this bloody piece of shit! to leave Charles lips before he thought of its newfound consequences.

And a Bit of Brown-Nosing:
"Okay Spinelli, NOW can I get an invite to become a commentor?" -Mason

Related:
Jalopnik's Bad-Photo Caption Contest, Day1; Day 2; Day 3 [Internal]

Jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest, Day 3: The Top Gear Refs!

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 20:53:59 EST

And the hits keep on coming as if Thriller were as long as Sandanista!. Actually, thinking about Michael Jackson singing along with the children on "Career Opportunities" really kinda freaks us out. But not as much as this photo, and some of y'all have really risen to the occasion. As always, the uncensored version is here, and your entries should be e-mailed to tips@jalopnik.com. Submissions remain open through Sunday, winner to be announced on Monday. Today we're highlighting the Top Gear-referencing bits, so click on through to the other side. Click on through to the other side.

"I'm Jeremy Clarkson reminding you to tune in to next week's episode of Top Gear." -Igor

"Man, those interns over at Top Gear are REALLY dedicated to their job!" -Jeff

On to the rest...
"His doctor's methods were unorthodox, but Marty was willing to try anything to get rid of the Land Rover shaped tumor on the end of his penis. Even dress up as a slutty Bea Arthur." -Rob

""Larry, tired of taking it in the rear at the Land Rover dealership, decides to turn the tables in his favor." -Sean

"Happy Holidays from the Northern California chapter of Earth First." -Ernest

Our Favorite of the Day:
"What, you thought Prince Charles married me for my good looks? It's because I can do this.
OK CHUCKIE, WRAP YOUR LIPS AROUND THE AIR SNORKEL, HERE COMES DUCHESS." -Ben

Jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest, Day 1, Day 2

Jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest, Day 2: The Bananas

Davey G. Johnson — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 21:01:27 EST

Jeebus, but the response to this thing's been overwhelming. We guess y'all are like us and simply can't resist writing about a middle-aged man in lingerie with his penis shoved into a Land Rover's exhaust pipe. If you missed yesterday's post, the link to the uncensored version is here. The banana-in-the-tailpipe ref is pretty obvious, so let's get those out of the way first. Click on for the first batch of non-winners. Think you can top 'em? Send in your entries to tips@jalopnik.com.

"I found the problem sweetheart; someone stuck a banana up your tailpipe." -James

"Ah, the old banna in the tailpipe..." -Kevin

"If you re trying to stop it from starting try using a potato like everyone else." -Bob

And now for a few of the more outside-the-box entries (weak pun intended):

"Well, I couldn't find the sheep, so I grabbed the Landie!" -Duane

"It's a '93...wait, '94...with the 4.2-liter V8, air suspension, and-Mind pinching my nipples? There we go!-sorrell beige Connelly leather in the interior. Still got it!" - Jonathan

"During your Land Rover Experience Tour, you'll have the perfect opportunity for hands-on experience with ALL of your Land Rover's off-road capabilities." - Christopher

"The problem with Truth or Dare is that the Dare always leads to something you never ever want to have to tell the Truth about." -Jay

"Well, Mary, since you won't let me do your tailpipe..." -Jeff

Jalopnik's Bad-Taste Photo Caption Contest!

Davey G. Johnson — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 22:30:40 EST

For reals, we found this photo while doing a Google image search for "tailpipe." We shared it with CTE and he was as disturbed as we were, which meant that it was time for, you guessed it, another Jalopnik Caption Contest! We have no idea what you're gonna win yet, but we'll figure it out in the next day or so. In the meantime, we've disabled comments on this one, so all entries need to come through tips@jalopnik.com. Our pathetic freebie attempt? "But Marlo, I thought this was gonna be a sure-fire way to qualify for the Wiener Nationals!" Also, if you really need to see the uncensored version, you can find it here. Good luck, cadets.

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 6: The Winners!

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 29 Sep 2005 17:54:28 EDT

You thought the taunting would never end, didn't you? Well, it's here, and we've got a winner. Class, meet Stephen. He came up with a dizzying array of music all well-suited to the 1999 Mercedes-Benz CLR LeMans prototype racer. What makes Stephen's entry better than all the rest is not just the diversity of his song choices (everything from Diana Ross to H sker D ), but the way he related them to the aerodynamically unstable racecar, thus illustrating his knowledge of not only LeMans, but also busting out with some MB arcana that posts about SLKs just can't match, no matter how many Ted Leo or Mot rhead tracks you may throw at us.

For his trouble, Stephen scores Shut Up and Take It from Austin' TX's very own Pink Swords, all-girl Japanese sensation Gitogito Hustler's Gitogito Galore, and Nippon-born, Europe-based ber-rockers Electric Eel Shock's brand-spankin'-new Beat Me. Plus, he gets copies of Gearhead Records samplers Smash-Up Derby and The Thingmaker, as well as a Gearhead t-shirt of his choice. Our runners-up will receive copies of the two samplers, plus whatever other swag the folks at Gearhead HQ care to throw in.

Quoth Stephen:

Here's my selection. To be played whilst driving in the 1999 Mercedes CLR Le Mans racer.

1. The A Teens Upside Down
2. Diana Ross Upside Down
3. Salt N Pepa Upside Down (Round And Round)
4. The Ramones My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down
5. Westlife Flying Without Wings
6. R. Kelly I Believe I Can Fly
7. Seal Fly Like An Eagle
8. N*E*R*D Fly Or Die
9. Outkast Flip Flop Rock
10. The Blues Brothers Flip, Flop And Fly
11. H sker D Flip Your Wig
12. Any song you can think of by Lil' Flip
13. Vic Reeves Dizzy
14. Blackalicious First in Flight
15. Janis Joplin Mercedes Benz

Now can you guess what made the CLR so famous?

Besides yesterday's runner-up candidates, we got two late entries that were well worthy of inclusion and so we're extending the numbers of runners-up to four big almost-winners.

Sez Will:

This one's going to have to accompany, say, a 1989 190E, since I'm an unemployed fresh college grad and that's about the most I would be able to afford!

1. Les Savy Fav "We've Got Boxes"
2. Drive Like Jehu "Bullet Train to Vegas"
3. Fugazi "Do You Like Me"
4. Gang of Four "Damaged Goods"
5. Television "Marquee Moon"
6. Liars "Mr You're on Fire Mr"
7. Refused "Summerholiday vs. Punkroutine"
8. Botch "To Our Friends in the Great White North"
9. The Black Keys "10 a.m. Automatic"
10. The Hold Steady "Barfruit Blues"
11. Silkworm "I Hope You (Don't Survive)"
12. Hum "If You Are to Bloom"
13. Dinosaur Jr. "Freak Scene"
14. Dismemberment Plan "The City"
15. Big Black "The Model"

We know the indierock girlies would be a-swoonin' if you rolled up that pimped 190 E with "Freak Scene" blarin', Will. And once you score one of those hotties to take care of you, who needs a goddamn job?

And lastly a somewhat dirty entry comes a fellow Central Valley boy. Here's to hopin' you get outta there soon, Phil:

Here's what I'd be listening to if Mercedes decided to swap me one of their cars straight across for my ex-San San Joaquin County Sheriff's Crown Vic (accessorized with the scent of countless gallons of Stockton Drunken Parolee Urine, which I'm pretty sure is an option Mercedes doesn't offer):

1. Sister Double Happiness Wheels a Spinnin'
2. Melt-Banana "We Will Rock You
3. Mot rhead God Save the Queen (yeah Sid Johnny 1977 blah fuckin' blah, but Lemmie's version makes those London wankers sound like, well, London wankers)
4. Bo Diddley Aztec
5. The Stooges Dirt
6. Butthole Surfers Cowboy Bob
7. Agent Orange Bloodstains
8. Duane Eddy 40 Miles of Bad Road
9. Snakefinger Smelly Tongues
10. Flaming Lips Jesus Shootin' Heroin
11. Angelo Badalamente The Pink Room (from "Fire Walk With Me" soundtrack)
12. Throbbing Gristle Hot on the Heels of Love
13. Negativland Time Zones
14. X Adult Books
15. Smoke The Trip

Yes, the Valley is a strange, strange place, and Phil is obviously a strange, strange man (for example, he's one of the only entrants to get the infamous Mot rhead umlaut right, yet he misspelled Lemmy's name). Which is why we love him. And all of you, too. Thanks to everyone who participated. You're beautiful. To all the winners, you're obviously even more beautiful. And until next time, keep one foot in the gutter and one fist in the gold.

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 5!

Davey G. Johnson — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 16:54:14 EDT

Today we've got two playlists that are so incredibly great that if y'all don't step up right away, they're definitely gonna walk away with the the runner-up prizes. We're announcing the winner tomorrow, but you've still got time. If you think you can outdo these two, by all means, give it a shot. You'll walk off with some cool stuff from Gearhead Records as well as the knowledge that you're most certainly one of the rockingest automotive aficionados around, and definitely more worthy of your own model of Land Rover than P. Diddy. Once again, the rules.

Reader Justin bursts forth with a really solid compendium of trax to accompany the C43 AMG, noting that our original list may have influenced him. Do you hear that automakers? We're influential. Kowtow, ye titans of industry, kowtow!

1. Death From Above 1979 Losing Friends
2. Stiff Little Fingers Suspect Device
3. Sex Pistols Bodies
4. Misfits Hybrid Moments
5. - Public Enemy Night Of The Living Baseheads
6. The Saints I'm Stranded
7. Jawbreaker Do You Still Hate Me?
8. QOTSA Millionaire
9. Slayer Reign In Blood
10. White Stripes Black Math
11. Bad Religion Generator
12. Refused Anything Off The Shape Of Punk To Come
13. Anything Off En Garde Criteria
14. "Thomas The Tank Engine Theme Song" (My son would be in the backseat...I mean there had to be a reason I got rid of an R32 to drive the 4-door Hammer.)
15. Ted Leo/Pharmacists The Great Communicator

Very solid, Justin. Nice, semi-obscure Jawbreaker, track, one of the better numbers from Ted Leo's magical The Tyranny of Distance (silly Ted Leo side note "Biomusicology" from that record was supposed to be our wedding march (when we were supposed to get married)) and Slayer! One note though, the Slayer album is called Reign in Blood. "Raining Blood" is the song title. Still, it's one of the finest displays of Spooky Hornet Metal ever recorded. And in the interest of full disclosure, we've let fly with the same brain fart numerous times.

Yes! Finally, somebody with a Unimog list!

As for the vehicle, although the "Funmog" is the ironic Mercedes of choice, I would most likely actually like driving the AMG E55 Wagon. How I would love pulling up to some 7-Series or Audi A8L blasting Zounds. A ridiculous car and Anarcho Punk, the ultimate combination.

1. The Band "Jawbone"
2. Palace Brothers "Work Hard - Play Hard"
3. The Clash "Police On my Back"
4. Gorilla Biscuits "Competition"
5. Guided by Voices "Closer You Are"
6. Zounds "Can't Cheat Karma"
7. The Distillers "Die on a Rope"
8. The Vandals "Pat Brown"
9. Misfits "Last Caress"
10. Replacements "Left of the Dial"
11. Rolling Stones "Heart of Stone"
12. Suicide "Cherree"
13. Avail "Dixie"
14. Ted Leo/Pharmacists "Since You've Been Gone/Maps"
15. Spoon "Anything You Want"

Wow, Ben. We can find very little fault with this list, although we'd probably go with a Distillers track from the first record, and if you're rollin' in a 'Mog, the natural Ted Leo choice is The Ballad of the Sin Eater (which we in fact rocked at karaoke just last night). And we totally agree anarcho punk and ridiculous vehicles are always a great combo. One of these days some guy will drive by cranking Rudimentary Peni in an Enzo and we'll just let go in our drawers right there. As a stupid name-drop side note, we were once interviewing Avail and Tim Barry mentioned that guitarist Joe Banks had totally redone their tour van himself. We couldn't help ourselves and asked, "Did he just use One Wrench?" We've rarely inspired so many groans.

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 1!; Day 2; Day 3; Day 4 [Internal]

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 4!

Davey G. Johnson — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 15:10:00 EDT

All right ladies and gentlemen, we're hoping you're adequately prepared to rock, because you've only got another day to enter our playlist contest. A Benz. Fifteen songs that go with said Benz. Any Benz you want. Playin' requests now from the bandstand. El Jalopnik combo; makes fifteen dollars a night. Weddings, parties, anything. And bongo jazz a speciality. Rules here. Prizes from Gearhead Records. Winners announced Thursday.

Our man Scott busts out with the double Merc action, giving us a 190E 2.3-16 and a 300 SLR.

190E 2.3-16:

1) The The "This is The Day"
2) English Beat "Mirror in the Bathroom"
3) Frank Zappa "Peaches en Regalia"
4) XTC "Mayor of Simpleton"
5) Beastie Boys "Rhymin & Stealin"
6) Furious 5 "Superrappin"
7) Traffic "Light up or Leave Me Alone"
8) Suicide "Dream Baby Dream"
9) "Dallas" TV Theme Song
10) The Deftones "Be Quiet & Drive"
11) Kraftwerk "Klingklang"
12) Chicago "I'm a Man" (the car is simply too white for the Spencer
Davis version)
13) Psychedelic Furs "The Ghost in You"
14) Duran Duran "Rio"
15) Robert Palmer "Sailing Shoes"/"Hey Julia"/"Sneaking Sally Through the Alley" Medley

300 SLR

1. Bobby Darin "Beyond the Sea"
2. Adriano Celentano "Tu Vuo Fa Americano "
3. Henry Mancini "Pink Panther Theme"
4. Harry Connick Jr "It Had to Be You"
5. Frank Sinatra "It Had to Be You"
6. Muddy Waters "She Moves Me"
7. Miles & Coltrane "Straight, No Chaser"
8. Leo Kottke "Red & White"
9. Little Charlie & the Nightcats "Eyes Like a Cat"
10. Lou Rawls "Girl From Ipanema"
11. Duke Ellington "Take the A Train" (version w/ Etta James)
12. Fats Waller "The Shiek Of Araby"
13. Benny Goodman "Flat Foot Floogee"
14. Count Basie/Tony Bennett "With Plenty Of Money And You"
15. Nina Simone "Sinnerman"

Wow, Scott. Both of these are fine, fine lists. We love the 190E comp especially, although it's got one glaring fault: the freakin' Deftones? While a coked-out junior exec might've listened to those puds back in the mid '90s, he'd be driving a 3-series. There's no way his 1980s counterpart would've been listening to them, which is too bad, because otherwise, that playlist sums the poor sap up perfectly. Plus, we're from Sacto and we we remember that at least half the band was pretty jerky and they acted like rockstars (in a bad way) before they ever had a record deal. Otherwise, fantastic effort. As for the SLR list? Well, who can't picture tooling through the French countryside in such a car, listening to such music? Wonderfully evocative, sir. Great job.

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 1!; Day 2; Day 3 [Internal]

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 3!

Davey G. Johnson — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 14:23:42 EDT

Okay kids, we're into day three of our rock 'n' roll playlist contest. Keep sending 'em in, and we'll keep critiquing your submissions. The deadline's Wednesday evening. The prizes are courtesy of the fine folks at Gearhead Records and include a t-shirt of your choice, as well as some choice slabs of rock 'n' roll. So keep the entries coming...we've seen some amazing stuff already. Remember, pick a Benz, any Benz, and choose fifteen songs appropriate to the vehicle. Include an explanation if you want. Please remember, there's an umlaut in Mot rhead. Forget that, and Lemmy's liable to move in next door to you and kill your lawn. Once again, the rules.

Craig weighs in with this list:

SLK AMG Black w/ Red interior top down

1. Seaweed "Magic Mountainman"
2. Jawbreaker "Bivouac"
3. Afghan Whigs "Crime Scene Part One"
4. Gameface "Hey Radio"
5. Motorhead "Ace of Spades"
6. Muse "Hysteria"
7. Quicksand "Thorn In My Side"
8. Public Enemy "Bring The Noise"
9. Swervedriver "Duel"
10. No Knife "Academy Flight Song"
11. Juliana Theory "Is Patience Still Waiting?"
12. Evergreen Terrace "Sunday Bloody Sunday"
13. Sunny Day Real Estate "Seven"
14. Lazlo Bane "Overkill"
15. Mogwai "My Father, My King"

Man, this one started off with promise...Seaweed great opener, straight into the ballsy maneuver of placing perennial mixtape-ending noisefuck emo-opus "Bivouac" second. Points lost for the lacking umlaut in Mot rhead. No Knife covering Burma? Nice. And then it all starts to fall apart with the Juliana Theory and SDRE. Appropriate soundtrack for a lesser SLK, possibly, but not anything by AMG. Bonus points for busting out with Quicksand and PE though. (Still, we're partial to the version of "Bring the Noise" featuring Anthrax).

DJ ArcSine busts forth with his mad knowledge of angry Teutonic rockas:

Here's my take on a mixtape for a brand new G55 AMG. Geared for iron-fisted urban vehicular domination! All very angry German bands! Well, Slick Idiot is a German immigrant band and Beborn Beton isn't all that angry, but anyway...

1. And One "Deutschmaschine"
2. Rotersand "Exterminate Annihilate Destroy"
3. Funker Vogt "The Race is On"
4. OOMPH! "Der Neue Gott"
5. Noisex "Lust.Skull"
6. Galan Pixs "Liebeslektion" (Obsession Mix)
7. E-Craft "Titten"
8. Fiendflug "Stukas im Visier"
9. Slick Idiot "It Won't Do"
10. Laibach "Tanz mit Laibach"
11. SITD "Richtfest"
12. Forma Tadre "Plasmasleep"
13. Wumpscut "Die in Winter" (Haujobb remix)
14. Beborn Beton "Vorbei" (Fab7 remix)
15. Melotron "Folge Mir Ins Licht"

Wow, ArcSine. The only two bands we've heard on this list are Wumpscut and Laibach, so we're wholly unqualified to judge your entry. We dig the concept, though. A for effort. Not last place.

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 1!; Day 2 [Internal]

Mercedes-Benz Audio Crapfest, Jalopnik Contest, Day 2!

Davey G. Johnson — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 15:15:57 EDT

Who's got the most discerning car-obsessed readers on the web? Us, duh. This was proven yesterday when we initiated the first round of our latest Jalopnik contest, inviting readers to send in fifteen-song playlists to be paired with a Mercedes vehicle of their choice from any point in history. Gearhead Records, the fine folks who in the past have brought you excellent recordings by bands like the Hives, the Hellacopters and the Dukes of Hamburg (who recorded the greatest version of "Greensleeves" ever to cut wax), are offering up a passel of goodies to the folks who come up with the best playlists. Voting's open until Wednesday, with the winners to be announced on Thursday. After the jump, a couple of the latest entries, just so you kids know what you're up against. Oh, and here's the Official Gawker Media Contest Disclaimer Thingy.

My favorite Benz has got to be Robert Loggia's 1000+ hp 6.9 litre S class (wasn't it?) in that crappy David Lynch movie, Lost Highway. Given Loggia's character's temperment and the temperment of that bruiser Benz, I found myself in a metal mood and came up with the following:

1. AC/DC "Jailbreak"
2. Twisted Sister "I Wanna Rock"
3. The Darkness "Growing on Me"
4. (Hallo MTV! We are ze) Scorpions (!) "No One Like You"
5. Dio "Stand Up and Shout"
6. Iron Maiden "The Number of The Beast"
7. Stryper "To Hell With the Devil"
8. Extreme "Play With Me"
9. Megadeth "Holy Wars The Punishment Due"
10. Saxon "Wheels of Steel"
11. Motorhead "Ace of Spades"
12. M tley Cr e "Too Young to Fall in Love"
13. Ted Nugent "Wango Tango"
14. AC/DC "Money Talks"
15. The Upper Crust "We're Finished with Finishing School"

While Phil picked some seriously choice cuts, especially "Wheels of Steel" and "Stand up and Shout," the inclusion of Extreme and the omission of Mot rhead's all-important umlaut knocked him out of the running. Close, but Bob Lutz ain't gonna be handing you any Cohibas this round, pal. Better luck next time, Philliam.

Straight outta the greater Detroit metro comes Becki's list:

For the SLK 230 Kompressor (cherry red):

1. The Dickies "You Drive Me Ape"
2. The Briefs "New Shoes"
3. Blood For Blood "White Trash Anthem"
4. The Runaways "Cherry Bomb"
5. The Modern Lovers "Roadrunner"
6. 101'ers "Motor Boys Motor"
7. Fear Factory "Cars"
8. Flipper "Lowrider"
9. The Gits "Here's To Your F*ck"
10. Dropkick Murphys "Rocky Road to Dublin"
11. Nomeansno "Oh No! Bruno!"
12. The Clash "Police On My Back"
13. Stiff Little Fingers "Gotta Gettaway"
14. American Steel "Turn It Out"
15. The Business "Drinking and Driving"

While Becki's list is mighty impressive, (Flipper!) she misses on a couple of points: It's never a good idea to include Blood for Blood on any list except for a list of bands that suck. The 101'ers track almost negates that, but let's face it, while they were decent, the only reason anyone remembers them is because Strummer went on to front the Clash. But the unfortunate fly in the ointment here is the choice of American Steel's "Turn it Out," a song slain by practically every song on their first two albums as well as at least half the songs on their third. Oh, and "Suspect Device" would've gone better with the "Cherry Bomb" theme than "Gotta Getaway." That said, with the exception of the Blood for Blood gaffe, this one's definitely a worthy effort.