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V8, Leather, And Hoonage: The '84 Porsche 928S Knows No Other Way
The Porsche 928 may well be the most expensive car ever to get major TV advertising airplay, with the '84 928 listed at $44,000 (that's about 90 Gs in 2008 dollars). It seems wrong that the car in this ad has an automatic, but we can't argue with the sound of roaring engine and squealing tires. However, the 944 Turbo ad of the same era gets a higher rating on the Hoon-O-Meter.
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Goodyear Polyglas Tires Help Stereotypical Women Drivers
This commercial aired during the first Monday Night Football game in 1970 and proves just what everyone already knew: women can't drive worth a damn and need exceptional tires to compensate for the lack of driving ability. Of course, the woman in the video has to deal with construction, bumpy roads, detours and more while picking up her manly husband from the airport after a very long and manly business trip. It kind of reminds us of the shower scene from Psycho, which is fairly accurate given a woman behind the wheel was like being murdered, at least in the 1970s. [Youtube] (Thanks, Sugi)
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Mopar Ford. Will the single-digit gas mileage of the police car result in a drained fuel tank before the British Leyland build quality of the Spitfire sends it coughing to a halt on the shoulder in a cloud of wire-insulation smoke? We'll never know, because it turns out the Triumph wasn't running from the cops after all. Whew!
Big-Bumper Spitfire Saves The Day!
Try to imagine a not-so-hot pursuit between a Malaise Triumph Spitfire and a smog-motored mid-70s cop
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What's The Magic Word For '84? TURRRRRBO!
Was there any word that summed up the 1980s better than TURBO? Turbocharging was a magical thing back then, with electronic fuel injection finally making the technology work pretty well for street-driven vehicles. Turbocharged cars such as the Mitsubishi Starion and Buick Grand National let everyone know that the Malaise Era was finally over, and Nissan's 200SX Turbo was packed with all manner of 80s-tech gizmos in addition to forced induction. As the man says: "Give me a turbo and I come alive!"
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Day Of The Cat: 1973 Lincolns And Mercuries Greet The Dawn Of Malaise!
The cage door creeeeeaks open, (perhaps suggesting the rust that will soon assail most Malaise Lincolns and Mercuries), and the angry mountain lion struts out into a field full of parked cars. The Continental... the Marquis... Montego... Comet... Cougar... they're all here, and they're all packing more bloat and less power than ever before.
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'78 Civic Fits Four Shopping Bags, Will Fit In '08 Civic's Glovebox
No car illustrates the concept of Long Term Model Bloat better than the Civic (for a good example of Short Term Model Bloat, compare the 1970 Mercury Cougar with the 1974 version). Here's Honda boasting about the ability of the '78 Civic hatch's ability to swallow four shopping bags. The '78 Civic hatchback weighed 1,708 pounds... about 1,000 pounds less than the '08 Civic sedan.
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Nobody Outhustles The 1970 Hillman Hunter Hustler!
The Hillman Hunter was the Chrysler Europe machine that eventually became the Iran Khodro Paykan (and was related to many other British cars of its time). In 1970, Australians could buy themselves a rally-ized version called the Hustler, equipped with a twin-carb 1725cc engine, four-speed box, and one of the most bongo-riffic Sideburn Era ads we've ever seen. Here comes Hustler!
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Cheryl Tiegs Joins The Cat Set In Her '78 Cougar XR-7
While Farrah Fawcett merely allowed a cougar to sit on the roof of her car in her '75 Cougar ad, Cheryl Tiegs lets a mountain lion ride shotgun in her '78 (equipped with the hyper-Malaise "Midnight Chamois" option package). Not only that, but her hair totally out-feathers Farrah's, and her haunted mansion gives her more of an air of mystery. Did we mention the 134-horse 302 that came standard in this 3,800-pound car?
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Pretty Polly Stockings Make Great Jaguar XK140 Fan Belts!
So we got this babe driving down the coast in an old Jaguar and the Charge light comes on. What to do? Why, whip off one of her Pretty Polly stockings and tie it into the exact right length for use as a fan belt (we don't see her adjusting the tension, but we must assume that she's carrying a major set of tools if she's driving that thing out of sight of her garage). What happens next? It probably went like this: Sure, you'd figure there'd be a strict cause/effect relationship between the broken fan belt and the Charge light... but you'd be wrong! There's no such thing as a single equipment failure on an old British car; the broken belt was just a distraction from the real problem. Bad generator? Several connectors going bad at the same moment? Whatever it is, that other stocking isn't going to be much help when the next breakdown takes place a few miles down the coast!
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Malaise? What Malaise? British Leyland Has Just What America Needs!
You'll have fun in the sun, "motoring tops-down" in a spiffy new late-70s MGB, TR6, or Spitfire. Note how the horrifyingly ugly bumpers of the Spitfire are barely glimpsed as we see happy Americans driving hundreds of yards with no apparent electrical malfunctions. Sure, British Leyland gave up on the idea of selling MGs and Triumphs in the US just a year or two after this ad, but can't you feel the optimism here?
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Around The World At 154 MPH, No Problems
With most automakers, a claim that one of their cars was able to drive 31,000 miles in eight days with no breakdowns, at an average speed of 154 miles per hour... well, you'd probably call bullshit. But when Mercedes-Benz makes a claim like that, folks tend to believe it (especially back in the 80s, when this ad was made). No wonder a 190 of this era finished in the Top 10 at the last Altamont 24 Hours of LeMons! Hey, is that soundtrack from Dark Side Of The Moon?
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Gale Harold Tries, Fails To Sell Pontiac Azteks
Everyone laughs at the Aztek. Poor Aztek! But at least The General was trying something interesting, either ignoring the focus groups or selecting incredibly unrepresentative focus group members when they made their prediction that their über-cladded crypto-minivan would sell like crazy. And, as part of their ad campaign, they got Queer As Folk actor Gale Harold to do an ad for this fine motor vehicle; watch as he scarfs some sushi, then swings to the beat! Can you hear the marketing wizards bandying about words like "hip" and "urban" and "edgy" in their meetings?
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Marital Infidelity Prompts All-Triumph Car Chase
When you're caught in flagrante delicto by your special lady's husband and have to flee on foot while dressed in a towel, you might breathe a sigh of relief when you discover he plans to chase you in a Triumph Stag; after all, the timing chains probably won't hold out as long as your legs. But then, in one of those cruel twists of fate that seemed all too common in Malaise Britain, you find yourself in the waking nightmare of being forced to choose another Triumph in which to make your getaway!
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Ethel Lusts For Slant Six Duster, Mom Worried
A woman who feels great passion for a Chrysler A-body with Slant Six power and takes one on a test drive through a corn field? While we're pleased that Ethel has such an excellent sense of priorities, her mother seems hell-bent on getting her to stick a big icepick through her Mopar-loving frontal lobes, find a husband, and settle down for some serious breeding. But then why does Mom take A-body-addicted Ethel to the Duster pusherman?
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200 Chevettes For Sale Right Now! Imagine That!
You Chicago-area folks might remember Timmy of Long Chevrolet in Elmhurst, in which case you've already been inoculated against the effects of this stunning combo of Malaise Era machinery, bad suits, brain-scouringly bad UHF production values, and Timmy's shouts. Chevettes Chevettes Chevettes!
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Wide Plains, Road Trains, A Whole New World Ahead Of Me: Toyota Of Australia
American automakers aren't the only ones who play the bechmaltzed patriotism card in their ads, nor even the only ones who break out the mawkish country music in those ads. Here Toyota is letting Australians see how loving their land is the same as loving their Toyotas. It's not quite Morning In America, but it's striving for the same lump-in-throat effect.
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