Even if we'd found an ad for the actual Apollo 16 Lunar Rover, hauled back to Earth by a North Korean spaceship, burned up on reentry, scattered all over Nunavit, and then gathered into a shipping container and mixed with the remains of a burned-out pinball machine warehouse, it still wouldn't be as tough a project as a basket-case Citroën SM. For this reason, we're going with a pretty solid example, in this '73 (go here if the ad disappears), which is priced at only $5,250. It starts up and the hydropneumatic suspension rises, so you figure you can just do a little bodywork and you'll have a nice car, right? Sure thing… only first you'll have to do a little futzing about with the fuel system, because the car has "fuel delivery issues due to dirty fuel tank carbs could use a good cleaning." You know, nobody calls they call that Maserati V6 the "Mopar Slant Six Of Italy" because it's amazingly simple and dependable, so most likely it will work perfectly after just a few spritzes of carb cleaner down those Webers. How can you lose?

A Maserati engine is great, and that SM is a gorgeous machine… but you're looking for a full-on Italian Hell Project, and we don't mean some lame Biturbo or prole-grade Fiat Spider. It's got to be a Ferrari for your garage… no, wait- it's got to be many Ferraris, in your garage, down the driveway, and parked on the lawn. Did I say "parked?" Maybe that's not the right word here; let's say "dropped" instead, because that's what you'll do with these four Ferraris. The eBay price is $3,000, with an unspecified reserve, but they're on Craigslist for only $1,500. They're apparently 308s and 328s, and with the addition of a few incredibly costly parts here and there you'll be able to put together one perfect car! OK, scratch that- with the addition of four 1978 Pontiac Bonnevilles and some plywood body panels, you'll be able to slap together four fully drivable 301-powered machines, and they'll be registered as Ferraris! Thanks to A Benz Apart for the tip!

Remember the Lancia Zagato? Of course not, and you Europeans are probably totally confused about that name slapped on what's obviously some kind of Americanized Beta, but enough of them were sold on these shores that it's now possible to obtain two of them (go here if the ad disappears) for just $1,500. One of them doesn't run, due to a "sticky" clutch arm, while the other one runs just fine, other than a slight problem with the fuel pump ("Sometimes you have to jiggle the fuel pump fuse to get it going"), which shouldn't raise even the tiniest red flag among those with experience working on Italian cars. You got lots of extra parts- in fact, sufficient parts to completely fill the bed of a full-sized pickup truck- and that means you should have enough stuff to get at least one of these fine Italian thoroughbreds back into tip-top shape. Right?

Just because a Citroën SM has never lost a PCH Superpower Challenge, does that make this matchup unfair to Italy? What if the Romans had had that sort of defeatist attitude? Why, they would have allowed those barbarians from the north to conquer them in that case... oh, wait. Anyway, we figure two Lancias might have a hope against a car built by a shotgun marriage of Maserati and Citroën, under the administration of two of the best-organized and efficient organizations the world has ever seen: the French and Italian governments! So here we go! My fellow LeMons judge, Herr Lieberman, has found this 1973 Citroën SM for us, and check out that price! Pick your jaw up off the floor, because we're talking about an SM priced well below four figures, and the auction ends in just a few hours. Unless the reserve is set at some absurd height, this might be the cheapest SM in the country! It doesn't quite run, but it's really, really close; once you deal with the engine- which "may be stuck"- and find a new transmission- which is missing- and then hunt down some new hydropneumatic suspension spheres and some other parts, and then deal with all the stuff that goes wrong when an insanely complicated car sits for close to two decades (a car built by the French and Italian governments, remember), and then fix the rusted-through body panels… well, at that point you'll find that you're only capable of composing really unwieldy run-on sentences full of digressions and tangents and you'll need a good stiff shot of absinthe just to drag yourself out to the garage and face your future, each day, until the warm embrace of eagerly anticipated death enfolds you. OK, fine, we know the SM is going to crush the Zagatos, but vote anyway.

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This is the star of the show; the top seed. A seemingly indestructible 1973 Ford Mustang Mach 1 that runs from the law in a glorious 40-minute chase scene.
The local country radio reporter's ride, a Ford that might as well have "dorky" painted all over it.


A drop-top Ford with questionable structural rigidity that gets hit in the side so hard it splits neatly in half. Ridiculous, but funny.
The Belvedere rent-a-cop with a German Shepard. Attempts to chase down a tow-truck stealing a Challenger, and fails.


A burgundy Roller stolen in broad daylight from the airport drop-off curb; chauffeur left the key in it.
A Fleetwood serving as personal transportation for the ring-leader of the operation. An arranged assortment of sunglasses on the dash, and enough room for the whole crew to cruise around.


Stole a Challenger right off a dealership lot, then outran security even with the Challenger still attached. The star of the second best chase in the movie.
A poor little Type 3 that got flipped on its roof by Eleanor, starting a huge pileup. Cute car, humiliating role.


The Dodge carries the flag for all the cop cars in the movie. They're cool rides burdened by somewhat inept drivers.
One of the "girls" on the hit list, though it only appears on film for a moment. Not a hearse, but a custom station wagon.


License plate reads "OOO GAL." The Dodge was a stolen car wearing VIN tags from a wrecked donor; An identity thief before it was popular. Sadly, it had to go to the crusher once people started getting wise.
A new Plymouth out on a test drive gets smashed by a cop in pursuit of Eleanor.


Lyle Waggoner's Intermeccanica Italia swiped from spaced-out stoner cleaning it.
A stolen Corvette in a sizzling color. Not on film very long, but it leaves an impression.


The undercover cop that started the epic chase with Eleanor. It Went toe-to-toe with the Mustang, but couldn't quite keep up.
A nice bright green Dodge that suffered the fate of being crushed by a garbage truck rolling onto it.


An old sedan DeVille ridin' low. Occupants seemed to enjoy smokin' the herb so much that they drove the Caddy to self-destruction.
A Rolls limo big enough to carry a fully-assembled bicycle in the back seat with room to spare. Just wait for the chauffeur to leave the car unattended, insert the bike you rode up on, and drive away. Petty theft made high-class.


Don't get distracted by the girl, this DeTomaso is what you really want. She's just askin' for it, leaving the keys in the car like that.
This Jensen Interceptor is practically good enough for JFG, and it's apparently good enough to make the South American client's, list as well.


Fantastically obscure Manta Mirage stolen during a test drive. Salesman gets out to switch seats, thief slides behind the wheel and takes off.
The Maserati is another car on the list only appearing for a moment, but it's pure style.


A Cadillac filled with drugs, one of the few things to survive in the remake movie from 2000. How do you get rid of all that white powder? Burn it. Who cares if it's worth a million bucks on the street; these are responsible criminals.
The hopped-up Plymouth was on the screen for only a quick flash, but we're sure it's even quicker down the strip.


Parnelli Jones' Baja Bronco is the icon of off-road racing. But that didn't stop anyone from stealing it in the movie.
The Lamborghini is elegantly beautiful, but forgettable in this context.


Epic cool car and JFG resident, but it's too bad we can't see it's wacky suspension in action.
Who needs a high-tech anti-theft system? Just keep a tiger in your Cadillac.


Another limo left unattended and vulnerable. All the coolness factor of death with none of the emotional struggle.
Hard to say what exactly has been done to this Chevy Vega, but it sure ain't stock. Another one we'd like to see actually driving.


It looks plain on the outside because it's supposed to. There were two identical Fords used for scouting out all the cars on the to-be-stolen list before the day of the big hit. Equipped with walkie-talkies too!
Nothing says "Malaise Era" more than a Stutz. And this one was stolen right in front of a confused old lady. Classy.


[Screenshots are property of the movie's copyright holders; not Jalopnik]