There were a lot of good pranks listed in our Best Car Prank QOTD, but one answer from PatFromGundo tops them all:

A few years back, I purchased a flagging Detroit automaker and told the world it was a "marriage of equals."

"Without the burden of the Smart brand, the Mercedes group would have achieved a record operating profit of more than 4 billion euros last year, or $5.34 billion at current exchange rates. Instead, the group posted a 2.4 billion euros, or $3.20 billion, operating profit."

Report: Smart cost DaimlerChrysler 3.9 billion euros over four years (sub. req.) [Automotive News]

Related:
Detroit Auto Show Preview: The Smart Cars Are Coming...Still; A Prospective Smartamino; Smart Reveals 2007 Fortwo [internal]

How To [Apple.com]

Related:
iPhone "Should" Synch With Ford's Sync Infotainment System [internal]

"making the rounds at Chrysler's design studios, pointing out in detail what he likes and what he doesn't like and doling out assignments to employees the way he used to when he was No. 2 at Chrysler to Dieter Zetsche, now Daimler's chief executive, people familiar with the matter said...Company officials have stressed that Mr. LaSorda will remain chief executive. Mr. Bernhard, however, is poised to have a prominent role, as well...A person familiar with the matter says he will answer to Mr. Feinberg, not Mr. LaSorda, on Chrysler's performance. Mr. Bernhard already has an office on the executive floor at Chrysler's headquarters."

...be reporting to Cerberus chief Stephen Feinberg. So if you're wondering what he'll be doing — it's really plainly obvious and you shouldn't be fooled by his title as "Adviser to Feinberg." In actuality, Wolfgang Bernhard is running the Chrysler Group. Remember, Wolfgang's got a two-year non-compete clause worked into his contract with Volkswagen. So, when he separated from the automaker representing Deutschland back in January, we knew then he wouldn't be able to take over the Chrysler Group outright without some kind of a workaround. The adviser role? Enter the workaround. – Ray Wert

A Familiar Face Back at Chrysler (sub. req.) [WSJ]

Related:
One Down: Wolfgang Exits Stage Left At VW, Will Chrysler Group's LaSorda Be Next? [internal]

Related:
All our sales figures coverage [internal]

The only question we've got for Wert is: Fake bake much there? The only question we've got for you is: How many drinks was that?

On The Money [CNBC.com]

Related:
All of our Official Car Pundit Drinking Game coverage [internal]

On The Money [CNBC.com]

Related:
All of our Official Car Pundit Drinking Game coverage [internal]

ABC's Good Morning America knows that Cerberus isn't a car company, so they're quick to point the obvious fact out this morning in their coverage of the unwinding of the "merger of equals." Because they're a private equity company in addition to never manufacturing a vehicle before, it means they're looking at making some money on this whole venture (as opposed to what traditional US auto manufacturers have more or less been submitting on earnings forms for the past couple of years) doing one of two things. They could decide to make money immediately, via selling the Chrysler group off part and parcel — or they could decide to look at getting Chrysler all fixed up again with Wolfgang Bernhard (now an adviser to the Cerberus Group) at the helm. We're more inclined to believe the second of the two options is the most likely course of action — what with Bernhard's involvement as well as the UAW's tacit blessing of the decision. But either way, we're feeling this story's going to be the gift that keeps on giving to the automotive news media and talking heads pundits for quite a while to come — or at least until UAW negotiations grind everything to a halt later this year. – Ray Wert

Good Morning America [ABCNews.com]

Related:
Lasorda E-mail on the Unmerger of Equals; Corporate Unmerger of E-mails: Dieter Style [internal]

More news from the top on the de-Americanization of the German-American hybrid. Chrysler CEO, Tom Lasorda has followed Dieter with an e-mail of his own, but with less management speak and more nitty-gritty. The shocker here is that Tom tells us there are no further cuts planned and no interruption in the UAW contracts. What? Cerberus will have to actually reorganize the company and make it functional? Weird. He also touches on the topic of DaimlerChrysler Financial, which will apparently be split up in the deal as well. Some speculation is already brewing regarding a possible merger of GMAC and the Chrysler Financial businesses, since Cerberus has control of both. This of course is based on nothing, but that's what makes speculation fun. The contents of the programs representing that 19.9% retained have also come to light, consisting of...

..."clean diesel engines, two-mode hybrids, fuel cells and other alternative powertrains that are especially important in this climate of rising consumer demand for more fuel-efficient vehicles. Other ongoing joint projects with Mercedes-Benz also will continue." So now I guess even though we'll no longer have a German-American hybrid, we will still have German-American Hybrids.– Ben Wojdyla

Dear Colleagues,

We are very pleased about the news today that DaimlerChrysler has signed a definitive agreement to sell Chrysler Group, including Chrysler Financial, to Cerberus Capital Management, L.P. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss this exciting news and what it means for the future of the Chrysler family.

We are confident that this transaction will create a stand-alone Chrysler that is financially stronger, with a winning combination of people, industry know-how, operational expertise and spirit of innovation that will accelerate the company's recovery and help us regain our position as a competitive industry leader.

As you know, DaimlerChrysler looked long and hard for the right partner for Chrysler in a competitive marketplace. We are confident that Cerberus is the right strategic buyer for Chrysler, with a long-term commitment to our growth and success. Cerberus has expressed great confidence in and respect for the people of Chrysler and our leadership team, and is committed to working constructively with both union leadership and Chrysler's management team to help us realize our full potential.

As a private (non-public) company, we will be better positioned to concentrate on our long-term plan for recovery, rather than on short-term results. With the financial strength and additional operational expertise brought by our investment partner Cerberus, Chrysler will renew its focus on what has always made us special: the passion, creativity and commitment of our employees, suppliers and dealers to delivering exciting Chrysler, Jeep and Dodge vehicles and quality Mopar parts to our customers.

The finance arm — DaimlerChrysler Financial Services Americas — also is affected by this decision. The most important piece of information is that Chrysler Financial will continue to support us and our dealers. However, the framework for DCFS will change. The company will be split up into two legal entities with Chrysler Financial as one company and Mercedes-Benz and DaimlerChrysler Truck Financial as another.

Our future success will be supported by our continued relationship with Daimler. We will continue to work together on technologies to bring even better products to our customers. In particular, we will continue to collaborate on technologies for clean diesel engines, two-mode hybrids, fuel cells and other alternative powertrains that are especially important in this climate of rising consumer demand for more fuel-efficient vehicles. Other ongoing joint projects with Mercedes-Benz also will continue.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Cerberus, it is one of the leading private investment firms in the world, with approximately $23.5 billion under management in funds and accounts. Currently, Cerberus has significant investments in more than 50 companies that, in aggregate, generate more than $60 billion in annual revenues worldwide, including Air Canada and GMAC. Cerberus is highly respected for its long-term investment horizon and focus on value creation. In addition, Cerberus has a team of experienced operational professionals that includes industry veterans with management backgrounds in the automotive industry.

You should know that there are no new plans — other than those previously announced — to reduce headcount. There are no additional job cuts planned in connection with the transaction announced today. This announcement also will not impact the provisions of the early retirement and buyout packages previously announced.

Additionally, we do not foresee any impact on current union contracts; all of the collective bargaining agreements remain in place, and the upcoming negotiations will take place as scheduled. Cerberus has worked together with unions in the past, and recognizes the important role they play for Chrysler.

The transaction is expected to close this summer. In the meantime, we will continue to operate under the vision established by the Recovery and Transformation Plan (RTP), which will return us to profitability in 2008 and will deliver 2.5 percent return on sales by 2009. There are several forward-looking elements in the RTP that take into account the realities needed to succeed in the global marketplace. We must grow our brands with strong, customer-focused products. We must defend our areas of strength in the North American markets, while growing internationally. And we must continue to build with alliances, partnerships and innovative approaches to our business challenges.

Also attached to this message is a Q&A document with answers to other questions you may have today. In addition, you should expect frequent communication from the leadership team as this process moves forward.

As a stand-alone company, with strong backing from Cerberus, we must demonstrate once and for all that we can win in this global marketplace. It is ours to win. And we have it in our DNA to do just that.

On a personal level, as a fourth-generation Chrysler employee, this is a dream come true for me to be given an opportunity to work with you to restore Chrysler back to greatness. It will take hard work, but I know that I can count on you to do whatever it takes to get the job done.
Sincerely,
Tom

Related:
Corporate Unmerger of Emails - Dieter Style

May 14, 2007

Dear Colleagues,

This morning, we announced Cerberus will take an 80.1% equity position in Chrysler and its related financial services business, with Daimler retaining the remaining 19.9%. Following a relatively short but very carefully prepared and thorough review of options, we're confident that we've found the best solution for Chrysler and for Daimler. We are now working hard to formally conclude our agreement as quickly as possible.

Endorsing this decision is the toughest thing I've done in my professional career. Like so many of you, I have made a personal investment in and commitment to both Chrysler and Daimler. And this is exactly the reason that we explored all options to find the best solution for Chrysler's long-term future.

That said, I firmly believe this is an exciting day for Chrysler. It's a new beginning. Backed by a strong partner in Cerberus, Chrysler, as a privately held company, has the best opportunity for success and to realize its full potential.

Chrysler will be more agile and flexible. You'll also be better-positioned to seek out the automotive partners that best fit your needs. You can more sharply focus on the continued implementation of the Recovery and Transformation Plan, the first results of which we can already see.

Daimler and Chrysler will continue to work together, now as business partners, on key joint programs including procurement, powertrain development, logistics and financial services. Through a Joint Automotive Council, we'll coordinate and evaluate current and future programs that can help drive our mutual success.

You should all be proud of what you've accomplished in recent years at Chrysler. You've made significant gains in productivity, quality and cost reduction; launched a record number of new products; and fought it out in the toughest market in the world. You've built the strongest of the North American-based auto companies. I'm personally very proud to have been a part of that.

I know the road ahead won't always be easy. It never is. But I'm confident that Chrysler will come back strong as it has done so many times in its long history. And I look forward to working with Chrysler, our new business partner under Tom's able leadership, in the years ahead.

I wish you all every success.

Sincerely,

Dieter

Related:

Speculation No More! Chrysler Group Sold To Cerberus Capital Management!

Chrysler Group to Be Sold for $7.4 Billion [NYT]

Related:
All of our Chrysler Group Sales Speculation coverage [internal]

Russian billionaire buying Magna stake [Report On Business]

Related:
GAZ-ooks, Check Out The Plastic Rims! Russian Automaker Unveils Tiger-2 SUV Concept; Breaking Crazy Chrysler Speculation! Chrysler Swap For GM Ownership Stake; GAZ To Buy Or Not To Buy? [internal]

Despite the fact the German side of the German-American hybrid no longer wants anything to do with the 'merican side, the 'mericans are still trying to feel pretty inside. That's why they've released a set of four new ads touting their vehicles as being "engineered beautifully." That phrase apparently is the distillation of the fact that "...at its core, the Chrysler brand stands for stylish products, agile performance, refined quality and the confidence of being proud without being arrogant." Well, considering the fact that they're now seen as being Daimler-Benz's little whipping boy, I somehow don't know how much I agree with the fact that they're looking all that "proud" now, much less "arrogant." And don't even get us started on "agile performance" and make us bring up the new Sebring. But whatever it takes this jilted lover to get through the day, you know? Full release below the jump. – Ray Wert

Chrysler Brand Debuts Campaign with New "Engineered Beautifully" Theme Line Auburn Hills, Mich., May 7, 2007 -

Stunning design and innovative technology take center stage in the new Chrysler brand TV and print ads, which break on May 8, featuring the new theme line "Engineered Beautifully."

"More than 80 percent of the Chrysler brand product portfolio is all-new or refreshed in the last 12 months with the recent introduction of the all-new 2008 Chrysler Sebring Convertible and the debut of the all-new 2008 Chrysler Town & Country later this year," said David Rooney, Director - Chrysler Marketing and Global Communications, Chrysler Group. "This is the perfect opportunity for us to showcase that there is more behind the sheet metal and distinctive style, and that every Chrysler possesses world-class quality and engineering at an extraordinary value."

Additionally, the all-new 2008 Chrysler Sebring Convertible marketing launch is May 8. The Sebring Convertible ads mirror the tone and style of the new Chrysler brand creative.

The all-new Sebring Convertible offers a sleek and elegant design, exhilarating performance with excellent fuel efficiency and a spacious interior. It also offers what no other convertible has offered before - three automatically latching convertible top options: vinyl, cloth and a body-color steel hard top, all of which can be retracted with a push of a button on the key fob.

"Chrysler is, and always has been, a brand made by and built for people with a passion for great cars," said Rooney. "Products like the 300 and Town & Country put us at the forefront of the industry in terms of style and design. At the same time, we have made great strides to become competitive and even surpass our competition in terms of quality and engineering. While we have made great strides, the perception has not caught up with reality in the marketplace. Our new communications direction will help get that engineering message across."

At its core, the Chrysler brand stands for stylish products, agile performance, refined quality and the confidence of being proud without being arrogant. The new Chrysler brand direction will communicate these core values through a unique combination of both striking design and innovation technology. Overall, Chrysler promises superior engineering and stunning designs built around customer's needs ... at a price that will surprise and delight. No other manufacturer can make this claim. It's the way our vehicles come together that sets us apart. Simply put, Chrysler vehicles are ... Engineered Beautifully.

Following are descriptions of the new broadcast spots, including those for the Chrysler brand, Chrysler Sebring sedan, Chrysler Sebring Convertible and Chrysler 300.

Technology Throughout (Chrysler Brand :60)
This lead spot focuses on the innovative features within every Chrysler vehicle and the engineering behind those features. It uses a unique and original CGI technique to showcase the technology and engineering behind key features that enable Chrysler vehicles to seamlessly adapt to everyday driving situations.

The vehicle is slowed down on the film at the very instant that a feature is engaged. The viewer is then taken inside to see the technology and craftsmanship that lies beneath. This spot showcases and links together the Chrysler 300, Aspen, Sebring Convertible and all-new Town & Country, along with shared technology of Multi-displacement System (MDS), Electronic Stability Program (ESP) and MyGIG™ Multimedia Infotainment System. It closes with a shot of the Chrysler brand lineup and the new tag line "Engineered Beautifully."

Taking Care (Sebring sedan :30)
This spot clearly demonstrates how every Chrysler Sebring sedan is meticulously designed and built to meet the everyday needs of customers through purposeful technology, not superficial features. It also shows how each feature has been designed and incorporated to further enhance their driving experience.

This commercial begins with the customer. The car and its features build around the customer piece by piece, via a unique CGI technique, as they interact with the various features of the vehicle. At the end, all the pieces come together to deliver the best possible driving experience - a beautiful "custom built" Sebring sedan.

Key to Happiness (Sebring Convertible :30)
This commercial features a highly energetic and emotional execution of the new brand essence. The Sebring Convertible is featured in a stylized setting designed to showcase its beautiful design and advanced engineering. The main product features are set in unique type on black art cards to maximize impact. The emotional music track provides a consistent undertone for the overall message of styling, design and technology.

The commercial begins with a shot of the all-new 2008 Sebring Convertible, showcasing its beautiful styling. The new Convertible hard top is shown along with the unique art cards to match. We see a few of the new technological features of the vehicle as well. These features, technological advancements and stylish design messages culminate to invite the consumer to hold the key to happiness.

Success (300 :30)
This commercial maintains a consistent tone with the Sebring Convertible "Key To Happiness" spot as it features the beautiful Chrysler 300 in a stylized setting. The main product features are set in unique type on black art cards to maximize impact. The emotional music track provides a consistent undertone for the overall message of styling, design and technology.

The commercial begins with a reveal of the distinctive front end of the Chrysler 300. As the 300 approaches the city, art cards are displayed showcasing the many premium features it has available. The spot culminates in a bold statement that captures what the Chrysler 300 is all about.

Multiple vehicles (300/PT Cruiser/Sebring Sedan :30)
Again, keeping with the tone of "Key to Happiness" and "Success" this spot features the Chrysler 300, PT Cruiser and Sebring sedan in beautifully attractive and stylized settings that capture the essence of what the Chrysler brand is all about. The main product features are set in unique type on black art cards to maximize impact. The emotional music track provides a consistent undertone for the overall message of styling, design and technology.

This commercial communicates the Chrysler brand's leadership in fuel efficiency, as well as its commitment to building quality vehicles that are unique in their distinctive styling and incredible value. No more is that present than with the award-winning 300, the technologically advanced Sebring sedan, and the stylish, yet functional PT Cruiser.

The television schedule features prime-time network and cable shows such as Grey's Anatomy, Boston Legal, Ugly Betty, Dancing with the Stars, Conan O'Brien, The Tonight Show, NBA Playoffs, Big Break 7, Larry King, Anderson Cooper, Nancy Grace, Headline News, Law and Order CI, Law and Order SVU and Dog Whisperer. The ads will also appear on other channels including TNT, TBS, Food Network Style Network, ESPN, CNBC, Fine Living Network, Bravo and The Golf Channel.

The print ads follow the same creative direction for a consistent tone and message. Product is the star with bold photography on colorful backgrounds along with highlighted technology features. The Chrysler print ads will run in Automobile Magazine, Aspen Peak Magazine, Car and Driver, Food Wine, Forbes, Golf Digest, Golf For Women, Jet, Martha Stewart Everyday, Motor Trend, National Geographic, The New Yorker, Road and Track, Southern Accents, Sunset, Tennis Magazine, Traditional Home and Travel and Leisure.

In addition to the new advertising, the Chrysler brand will showcase the all-new Sebring Convertible through two programs done with Hearst and Forbes magazines. The Hearst Awaken Your Senses program includes advertising, Web activity (www.awakenyoursenses.com), product displays and test drive components with the grand prize of an all-new 2008 Chrysler Sebring Convertible. The Chrysler brand is also the exclusive sponsor of one chapter of the Forbes 90th Anniversary Issue and Networking Special Report covering lifestyle elements surrounding careers, entertainment, leisure and design.

Chrysler Brand
Driven by award-winning new models, the Chrysler brand has seen a dramatic increase in sales, market share and brand image. Since 1990, Chrysler brand sales have more than tripled. No other American automotive brand has grown as much during the same time frame.

The Chrysler brand's succession of innovative product introductions continues to solidify the brand's standing as the leader in great design, purposeful technology and value. With the launch of the all-new 2007 Chrysler Sebring sedan and the 2007 Chrysler Aspen - the first-ever full-size sport-utility vehicle for the brand - the momentum is sure to continue with the launch of the all-new 2008 Chrysler Sebring Convertible and 2008 Chrysler Town & Country.

Exklusiv: Magna einziger Bieter für Chrysler [Automobilwoche via CNBC.com]

Related:
Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: UAW Mulls Chrysler Bid, CAW Says "Hell No!"; Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Magna Confirms "Involvement"; Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Some Guy In London Says Chance Of Chrysler Group Sale "Very Low" [internal]

"We're not interested...the workers already have everything invested in that company today including their jobs and their pensions."

UAW weighs Chrysler bid [Detroit News]

Related:
Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Magna Confirms "Involvement"; Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: An Inconvenient Sale? [internal]