[WastingTimeWithMikeAndAri]

With Mazda RX-7s taking the first two places at LeMons South (not to mention three of the top ten at the Arse-Freeze-A-Pa-Looza), you've got to figure you're looking at one of the all-time great budget race cars. Light, simple, and powered by a wailing rotary that's sure to give your competitors a migraine by the time the race is over... and you can get 'em for peanut shells! Say, this '85 RX-7 with an asking price of only $200. Two hundred bucks! Don't worry about that "not running" part, because the Wankel is such a simple engine- how hard can it be? You might even be able to sell off sufficient parts to come out ahead in the deal, leaving more money in your budget for beer and pornography safety equipment. Don't listen to the self-proclaimed experts who tell you that the RX-7's aluminum control arms make it too fragile to be out on a track with a bunch of big Detroit bullies, because you'll win for sure with yours!

Maybe you should listen to those experts who think the RX-7's inability to brush off impacts make it too much of a gamble at the 24 Hours of LeMons. Sure, the Mazdas finished first and second, but they got lucky! What you need is two tons of Detroit iron and a big ol' V8 to torque your way to victory. The Punisher Racing Caprice finished just four laps behind the winner, thanks to LT1 power and cop suspension... and you still have time to put together your own Caprice for the Texas race. Howzabout this '91 Caprice, with an asking price of $750? With five-buck gas looming, we're pretty sure you can negotiate the seller's price down, then sell some parts to get down below the 500 dollar limit. It runs fine (though you might want to be sure it has the LT1 and not the 305) and it only has 85,000 miles on the clock. There's some body damage, caused by a "commercial shoot driven by precision drivers" (that's reassuring, because you can't trust body damage caused by an ordinary driver on the way to the Stop-N-Rob), which is why it's so cheap. Throw some fat tires on it, maybe chop the springs, and you'll be the terror of Houston!

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Plastic surgery is never cheap, and this is no exception. Putting a Rolls nose on a Chevy seems to have had an impressive price tag. Rumors place it in the neighborhood of $150,000. But what's above the bottom line on that total? A $23,000 572 cubic-inch supercharged Merlin marine engine, for one thing. And those flashy TIS 30s run up to about $20 large. Candy-apple paint chipped in $12,000, and the air bag suspension another $7,000. Those are some hefty numbers, and we haven't even heard about the sound system or quite probably opulent interior yet. We believe the proper term in this case is not "creative," but dayum!

After seeing yesterday's Down On The Alameda Street car, I got to thinking about the whole Porsche thing. Yeah, they're driver's cars, all right... but take off your driving gloves and lose the precise German accent and let's talk about the fun-per-dollar (FPD) thing for a minute. Let's say you had the 12 grand or so it would cost to get a pretty nice 911SC like the one we saw yesterday. What's the FPD score on that compared to what you could do with a mean-looking '73 Caprice Estate wagon and, say, $11,600 worth of improvements?

First of all, you'd need to start with a Caprice Estate that once sported fake wood paneling, so that the remaining sunbaked adhesive could give its flanks that textured patina so prized by beater wagon aficionados. This car, spotted lowering property values in Alameda's East End, has patina aplenty!

Once you've got your '73 you'll need to do something about the drivetrain. This one's already got a 12-bolt rear, so the addition of a limited-slip diff with, say, 3.90 gears would be just the thing to get ready for the engine upgrade.

There's probably a 400 small-block under that rusty hood, but you get a way better FPD rating when you go big-block with your wagon, so we'd go ahead and put a 454 with the full complement of off-the-rack speed parts. Oh yeah, with Cherry Bombs for the exhaust.

And, of course, it goes without saying that you'd need a 4-speed (but keep the bench seat!).

Since even big-blocks and Muncies are cheap next to Porsche components, you'd still have money left over for decent tires, stiff springs, and the biggest swaybars you could possibly fit on a Caprice.

So, we're gonna hazard a guess that a clean '80 911SC gives you 6,000 Fun Units for your $12K, for a respectable 0.5 FPD score (imagine the fun of slicing those tight S-turns with the science of Herr Doktor Porsche at your command!). However, plugging in the attributes of a big-block 4-speed grimetastic Caprice Estate into the Jalopnik Radness-O-Lator produces an amazing 36,000 FPD, for a decisive 3.0 FPD reading! Because, face it, nailing second gear while completely sideways in a huge goddamn big-block station wagon and emerging from a vast cloud of rubber smoke like something out of the Book of Revelations just plain wins. – Murilee Martin

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Vista Cruisers And Sport Wagons, Ahoy! [internal]

In Qatar, you have bored hoons, sand dunes, full-sized rear-wheel-drive Detroit iron, and low-quality video equipment. Put them together and you get something like this video of a box Cadillac repeatedly getting two-wheel air. Apparently the participating hoons were attempting to roll their Caddy, a goal they finally achieved through sheer persistence. This one gets a massive deduction of 30 points because the creator filmed it off a video screen with a handheld camera (hey, analog video-capture cards are cheap, even in Qatar, so there's no excuse), but gets a 20-point bonus thanks to the sheer punishment endured by the hoon at the wheel. Hoon-O-Meter reading: 24 points. – Murilee Martin
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Hoon of the Day: Land Cruiser Abuse, UAE Style [internal]

Too early for a moment of Zen, you say? Ok, then, how about a wake-up call. This cartoonishly orange high-riser box Chevrolet Caprice fitted with $30,000 clear rims, performing a class-1 burnout, offers a more bracing start to the day than cold OJ ever could. Enjoy, in a sense. – Mike Spinelli

Cruisin' On My 30" Clears! {CarDomain Blog]

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SEMA Show: Clear Wheels [internal]

The Rides team unveiled an ber donk (technically, a "box") mid-80s Chevy Caprice that combines dubba-dubs with quad scissor doors, over and mega airhorns out front and a bigorific intake bulge. Scotto, what's witchu bwoy? [Gallery]

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Dumb Things I Gotta Donk Today: A Simpsons-Themed Riser [internal]

Taking this one apart would seem like a no-brainer. Sure, it's a garish mid-riser donk with wheels that look like a piece of George Clinton's mothership tumbled down and crushed Bootsy Collins. And sure, it's been airbrushed with characters from "The Simpsons." But we're not talking about Bart with an "Eat My Shorts" thought bubble. That's Abe Simpson, smack on the driver's door, followed by Mr. Burns and Nelson Muntz. Granted, he could have inserted Ralph Wiggum with his finger in his nose, or the Comic Book Guy holding that rare Mary Worth, or even Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. What we mean to say is, it could have been worse. Way worse. [Thanks to Eric for the tip.]

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Donk Donk, Who's There? Yoo Hoo Mobile [internal]