I've been to Detroit twice in my life. The first time I witnessed firsthand a friend's brother shoot dope and smoke crack before going back home to get bail money from mom to bail our friend out, who was arrested while on a very strong acid trip. The second time I was there was much more disturbing.

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You want to attract the Italian women who come over to the States with their fatcat Fiat-piloting executive husbands? Then be American.

Face it, Bianca isn't coming to the States so she can experience Americanized Italianesque marketing. She's here for the local flavor. So keep the $1500 shoes on the shelf, and whip out a pair of Red Wings. Sell her on those. No, they're not $1500, they're $150. It's what the butt-busting roughneck building your ersatz Fiats is going to be wearing, and they wear forever, so you actually get your money's worth.

Don't take her to Mario's. What the hell is Mario's, anyway? We don't get that here. Take her to Shoney's. Take her to P.F. Chang's. Take her to The American Cafe.

Fiat is buying into Chrysler so they can buy into the American market. Showing the Italians and their wives Italian anything is a complete and utter waste of time. Show them American!

Spit! Swear! Take up lots of room, make lots of noise, work like a mule and eat like a horse and screw like a bunny. That's American. Show them American goods in American markets, so they'll have a better handle on what they're getting into, and be better able to pitch their own wares, gain a good foothold in the market, and maybe drag Chrysler back from the brink. Because isn't that what they're here for in the first place, and make a buck while they're at it? You betcha.

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