The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

It's a difficult world out there, people. War, poverty, brutality, corruption, social and racial injustice … these are not civil times we live in. Which is why, more than ever, we NEED the comfort and warmth that only life inside the Williams-Sonoma catalog can provide. Follow me, America. Follow me inside these… » 12/09/14 12:31pm 12/09/14 12:31pm

My Kid’s Insane List Of Reasons To Be Thankful, Annotated

I have an 8-year-old who has something of an overactive imagination, which is a good thing for a child to have, in theory. There are entire 10,000-word think pieces and scientific studies now about how all playgrounds should be replaced with an open field and a giant barrel of sticks so that kids can go construct an… » 11/28/14 1:29pm 11/28/14 1:29pm

​Laser Tag Is Fucking War

My plan was to fart. I ate a shitload of Chinese for lunch and five slices of pizza for dinner (CRUSHED those slices), and so I figured that if I farted long and hard enough, I would inflict damage upon my co-workers, regardless of my actual marksmanship. SHUT UP AND FART SMOG SOMEONE. That was my laser tag strategy. » 6/04/14 2:42pm 6/04/14 2:42pm

How To Suck: A Special Message To The Graduating Class Of 2014

This is all about sucking, so I'll begin with me, in a parking lot, parked too close to the adjacent car. I open my car door and inadvertently hit the other dude's door. I pray that I haven't left a scratch, or a dent, or something substantial that would require insurance-card swapping and 10 minutes on the phone with… » 5/18/14 5:51pm 5/18/14 5:51pm

The Night Johnny Carson Found Out His Wife Was Banging Frank Gifford

Tucked inside the Hunger Games promotional pamphlet that was last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly was a rather amazing book excerpt from Henry Bushkin, lawyer to the late Johnny Carson. In the excerpt (not yet online), Bushkin describes accompanying Carson on a late night break-in of his second wife's… » 10/07/13 3:45pm 10/07/13 3:45pm