The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

It's a difficult world out there, people. War, poverty, brutality, corruption, social and racial injustice … these are not civil times we live in. Which is why, more than ever, we NEED the comfort and warmth that only life inside the Williams-Sonoma catalog can provide. Follow me, America. Follow me inside these… » 12/09/14 12:31pm 12/09/14 12:31pm

My Kid’s Insane List Of Reasons To Be Thankful, Annotated

I have an 8-year-old who has something of an overactive imagination, which is a good thing for a child to have, in theory. There are entire 10,000-word think pieces and scientific studies now about how all playgrounds should be replaced with an open field and a giant barrel of sticks so that kids can go construct… » 11/28/14 1:29pm 11/28/14 1:29pm

Crustless Sandwiches Will Destroy America

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering mugs, Adrian Peterson, safety monsters, and more. » 9/16/14 5:34pm 9/16/14 5:34pm

New-Car Smell Is Overrated

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering partners, air beds, office superpowers, poop, and more. » 8/26/14 3:38pm 8/26/14 3:38pm

​Laser Tag Is Fucking War

My plan was to fart. I ate a shitload of Chinese for lunch and five slices of pizza for dinner (CRUSHED those slices), and so I figured that if I farted long and hard enough, I would inflict damage upon my co-workers, regardless of my actual marksmanship. SHUT UP AND FART SMOG SOMEONE. That was my laser tag strategy. » 6/04/14 2:42pm 6/04/14 2:42pm

Bill Murray Crashes Bachelor Party, Gives Awesome Speech

In the video above, you see shape-shifting coyote trickster god Bill Murray walking in on a bachelor party in Charleston, dishing out some advice to everyone EXCEPT the groom. Here's reader Stephen with the background: » 5/27/14 10:24am 5/27/14 10:24am

How To Suck: A Special Message To The Graduating Class Of 2014

This is all about sucking, so I'll begin with me, in a parking lot, parked too close to the adjacent car. I open my car door and inadvertently hit the other dude's door. I pray that I haven't left a scratch, or a dent, or something substantial that would require insurance-card swapping and 10 minutes on the phone… » 5/18/14 5:51pm 5/18/14 5:51pm

The Night Johnny Carson Found Out His Wife Was Banging Frank Gifford

Tucked inside the Hunger Games promotional pamphlet that was last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly was a rather amazing book excerpt from Henry Bushkin, lawyer to the late Johnny Carson. In the excerpt (not yet online), Bushkin describes accompanying Carson on a late night break-in of his second wife's… » 10/07/13 3:45pm 10/07/13 3:45pm

The Ultimate Cookie Rankings

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering accents, WAGs, gym rats, poop, and more. Your letters: » 4/30/13 2:26pm 4/30/13 2:26pm

The Irresistible Horrors Of The US Airman’s Manual

A while back, a reader sent me a page from the US Airman's Manual that included the above instructions for pushing someone's intestines back into their abdomen. Time to explore this manual a little deeper. » 9/16/10 7:12pm 9/16/10 7:12pm