First Drive—2008 Buick Enclave [AutoWeek]

Related:
Pricing! Buick Enclave Breaks Out Of The Woods, Starts At $32,790; LA Auto Show Preview: Tiger Woods...Err...The Buick Enclave Is Finally Here! Huzzah! Huzzah! [internal]

...denying the claims of a four-door Mustang or Mustang wagon in the works. Cain, along with trusty sidekick and FoMoCo PR-pro Alan Hall told me this afternoon that:

"Mustangs are sporty, two-door coupes and convertibles."

Mainstream Mustangs [AutoWeek]

Related:
Pony Sedan? Ford Considers Expansion of Mustang Line [internal]

In this week's missive, AutoWeek's gone into high speculation mode regarding the next-generation Jaguar S-Type. They say (and frankly, they're not wrong) the success of the next S will likely determine Jag's fate. Considering the buckets of bucks Ford's poured over the cat in recent years, full envelopes had better start finding their way to the back room. AW says the next models will abandon styling tropes of the past and stake out new ground, led by design capos Ian "The Iron Pentagraph" Callum and henchman Julian "India Ink" Thompson.

The new model, due in 2008, AW says, have a steel monocoque, though the hood and trunk lid will likely be aluminum. It'll also sport a new 5.0-liter V8 producing in the 350-hp range. Judging from a published spec illustration, it seems looking to the Aston Martin Rapide for an approximation of the new model may not be the worst advice in the world.

Related:
Aston Martin Rapide Bows in Detroit [internal]

Tired of Crossovers? [AutoWeek]

Related:
AutoWeek Reveals GMT-900 Pickups Ahead of Launch

I'm not a big fan of bait and switch. For example, Automobile's June cover features the Bugatti Veyron's bodacious butt with the tease "Coast to Coast in the USA." In fact, Editor-in-Chief Jean Jennings drove the Bug from one side of Florida to the other. AutoWeek's editors may not practice this kind of morally reprehensible despicably dishonest deceit, but there's no question that they're willing to skirt the line between what they know we want and what they've actually got. Dozens of AW covers promise readers the inside dope on the latest four-wheeled crack — only to throw down a couple of pages of Photoshop fantasy with a bit of tarted-up conjecture. Jenis Meiners' WORLD EXCLUSIVE on the '09 Cadillac CTS Coupe is a perfect case in point.

Cadillac plans to re-enter the coupe segment with a powerfully-styled CTS-based two-door, possibly by 2008 as a 2009 model.

Cadillac had hoped to keep the lid on the project, which was pushed back because of General Motors's financial situation. The program has not been officially approved, but work is well under way — and "Bob Lutz really wants it," sources familiar with the project tell AutoWeek. "The biggest problem for this car is GM has other, more urgent business to take care of right now.

Obviously, getting to the truth of the matter isn't Meiners' main priority. First, Meiners' sources are patently fictional. "Bob Lutz really wants it," is the kind of made-up quote that belongs in a National Enquirer article on the secret sex life of septuagenarian auto execs. The clunky sentence construction used by the "sources" (not source) "familiar with the project" (but not directly involved) screams invention, along with that vague statement about "other" (what?) "more urgent" (such as?) business supposedly sucking-up GM's development cash.

As Foucault's Pendulum taught us, sometimes strange fiction turns out to be stranger fact. If AW's invisible friends are right, if GM can't afford to develop the new Caddy coupe because it lacks the cash, that's a HUGE story. (Either that or it lacks the brains; Caddy introduced the CTS four years ago, in 2002.) Oh wait. I forgot. AutoWeek's editorial department lives in an alternative universe. The single most important story in the automotive industry doesn't exist — save for a couple of columns that were about as urgent in tone as an episode of "Martha Stewart Living"; maybe less.

Cadillac's coupe will be based on the upcoming, second-generation CTS sedan, which was partially unveiled April 2 by GM vice chairman Lutz on the CBS newsmagazine 60 Minutes. On the program, Lutz pulled back a car cover revealing a dramatic Cadillac grille and headlight cluster, along with a taillight, but stopped short of showing the rest of the car. Now that our spies have snapped these photographs of the actual next-generation CTS in testing, it is obvious the car Lutz showed on 60 Minutes was the 2008 CTS.

The same V6 engines offered in the CTS will power the coupe, but a V-Series coupe with a 400-hp-plus Northstar V8 is likely as well. Cadillac also is mulling a convertible version. "It would add cost, but convertibles are where the volume is generated in this segment," says a source.

Anyway, if you're inventing sources, it's a good idea to dream one up who knows what he's talking about. Discounting folding hardtops, there's only one coupe that outsells the hardtop version by a large margin: the Jaguar XK. But hey, I admire Meiners' Deep Throat's balls (so to speak).

While the CTS-based coupe could be developed quickly, there is speculation of a larger coupe with a V12 engine that carries design cues of the Cadillac Sixteen concept car and could be sold in the $75,000 range.

Now that's what I call a pipe dream. Again, Meiners' made-up possibility is actually what Caddy should be doing, or could be doing (if there's a product God in heaven). But it's journalistically irresponsible to put your own advice into an imaginary source's mouth. Think I'm making it up about Meiners making stuff up? Check this:

"The new vehicle is definitely a Cadillac," an insider says. "There is a lot of enthusiasm for it within the company." GM can probably expect that enthusiasm to extend to fans of the marque who appreciate its history."

Fans like... Jens Meiners? If that doesn't smell like phantasmagorical bullshit to you, you need to spend a little more time in the countryside. Anyway, it's bad enough that AutoWeek kisses ass and pulls punches in its car reviews. But allowing a journo to weasel his or her way through a puff piece clearly labeled "news" is just plain wrong. [by Robert Farago]

[Jalopnik's Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Between the Lines: Motor Trend on the Cadillac BLS [internal]

The future is a terrible investment. Consider Tommorow- land. Disney s ode to the joys of scientific progress has been causing the Mouse conniptions ever since it opened in 1967. And no wonder. Unlike the past, the future is always changing. One minute everyone s flying around with nuclear-powered backpacks popping food pills like a Jacqueline Susann character, the next they re freight training across intelligent highways in fuel cell minivans munching on apples genetically engineered to make them pay their taxes — er, more alert. Anyway, when Automobile decided to ask a futurist for a glimpse of the road ahead for their 20th anniversary issue, the results were bound to be debatable. But who knew they d be so predictable?

The photo for Car on Demand tells us we re in for some truly demented geek speak. It s a screen shot taken from Intrago s Mobility Network Manager, an imaginary device that drivers of the future will use to plan their journeys — and the only motorists aid I ve ever seen capable of making BMW s iDrive seem intuitive. Right; it s the future calling! Time to read the lead.

What if your second car was your cell phone? What if your second car could carry fifteen people; have a V10; get 70mpg; use gas, ethanol, diesel, hydrogen, or electricity for power; tow a trailer; be a convertible; and be equally at home on freeways, off-road trails, or bike paths? What if it made the air cleaner, the roads less congested, and your wallet fatter?

Of course, Dan Sturges is just messing with us. The President of Intrago (unfortunately, both entities actually exist) wants us to imagine a car share network accessed by your cell phone — ignoring the fact that the Mobility Network Manager s display screen would require 0.0006-sized font. Futurist that I am, I m jumping ahead. First, Sturges wants to establish his visionary cred. Take it away Dr. King:

I had a dream the other night that every vehicle on the road was either a hybrid or powered by fuel cells. The cars were beautiful and the technology was amazing- the only problem was that none of them were moving, trapped as they were in a massive traffic jam. I woke up realizing that simply using more fuel-efficient vehicles isn t going to do anything to relieve an overburdened infrastructure. We need a comprehensive answer that addresses efficiency as well.

Imagine one million cars parked all over a city, with credit card readers molded right into the driver s door. Customers could walk up to any available vehicle, swipe their card and drive away. All of their transportation needs could be managed via cell phone. Considering that the average American car is driven only one out of every twenty-four hours, it s easy to see the efficiency of the mobility by the mile approach.

With a tip of the hat to the future is closer than you think [but I wouldn t invest a plug nickel in it if I were you] Flexcar franchise, Sturges has us switching cars like Tarzan through the vines. He especially likes the idea of motorists doing half a Chinese fire drill as they enter a city, jumping from high-speed intercity automobiles into microcars or smaller vehicles in less time than it takes for a traffic light to cycle. I guess it s only a matter of time before credit card swiping is an Olympic sport. And no, Sturges is not talking about a nanocar; he s referring to the Segway!

(Yes, it s true that presently vehicles such as these, like the Segway, have struggled for traction, but remember that the bicycle was banned in Europe for five years after it was introduced.)

To conclude, Sturges whips out the old I m right, they re all wrong motif.

While automakers continue to search for the next people s car, this future suggests that consumers will not own just one vehicle, but instead will have a fleet of cars available at their fingertips. Rather than pursuing the next Model T, perhaps the focus should be on creating the Model E mobility system.

If that s E for Ecstasy, count me in.

RF

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Between the Lines: AutoWeek on Norway s Car Taxes [internal]

Our little corner of the infosphere is not immune from political considerations. We re often ground zero for petro-political debates about the connection between American foreign policy and the way the needle in your big-ass SUV's gas gauge swings to E like a Big Band bee-bopper. We re also the subject of discussions about the negative effect of the exhaust gasses blasting out of the conjoined pipes of your Cayman S on California s Mighty Redwoods. Zzzzzzz.

Yes, it s true: Most pistonheads are preoccupied by far more prosaic matters than the political bias of the American media. As far as I can tell, there s no left / right journalistic divide on whether or not GM should just shut the Hell up and go ahead and build the new Camaro before we completely lose interest in retro-designed cars; or if the Honda S2000 s slick shifting six-speed is the world s greatest gearbox in the history of the world ever because a bunch of people on the s2ki forum say it most definitely beyond-a-shadow-of-a-friggin -doubt is.

No wonder, then, that AutoWeek scribe Matt Davis wants to play a strange sport with readers of his Wheel Play column. Anyone fancy a quick game of let s see if I can convince you to pay more taxes on your car to rid America of its oil addiction and sweeten the air ? I don t know about you, but this sounds like fun!

Norway and Iceland are the only two deliberate holdouts in the "United States of Europe" vision for the European Union.

Is Mr. Davis unaware that an entire nation of French and Dutch voters delayed their habitual after-work drinking session so they could go and tell those scheming rat bastard Bruxellois bureaucrats to fuck off and die? Doesn t he know that the Swiss — the human equivalent of a System X supercomputer — rejected membership in the European Economic Area? I mean, it wasn t even the full Union. Just an area.

Doesn t Mr. Davis know that Denmark and Sweden rejected the Euro; two nations whose language makes the word uuuuurrrow sound so sexy you feel an almost testicular urge to learn their impenetrable mother tongue (so to speak)? Doesn t Mr. Davis know that less than three in ten Brits who could be bothered to answer a prying pollster s numbly worded, rain-soaked questions support the idea of European political and economic integration? That they believe, with no small amount of plausibility, that the whole Euro thing is little more than Germany s third attempt to take over the world?

Doesn t Mr. Davis know about the Euroscepticism in former communist countries like the Czech Republic, whose inhabitants are inherently war-like and three kinds of crazy? Why didn t Davis type european integration into the search bar at www.wikipedia.org, click on Euroscepticism, scroll down to the section marked Euroscepticism in Central and Eastern Europe and read that Czech President Vaclav Klaus said The enemies of free societies today are those who want to burden us down again with layer upon layer of regulations. We had that in communist times. But now if you look at all the new rules and regulations of EU membership, layered bureaucracy is staging a comeback ?

Both northern republics, with their extremely healthy economies (Iceland fish; Norwegian fish, oil, natural gas, lumber and high-tech), are hesitant to throw it all in with the southerners. The Norwegians in particular continue to live in a socialist system that mostly works brilliantly. Norway would undergo radical EU changes were its citizens to vote in favor of joining. Issue No. 1 in any socialist setup is taxation. To my point: taxes on new cars.

Bottom line: the average Norwegian knows his tax money pays for more than enough government pencil pushers without adding a couple of thousand more working out of Belgium.

That said, the Norwegian government is at least socialist enough to control all of the nation s oil production. And wouldn t you know, Norway is the world s third largest oil-producing nation, second only to our good friends the Saudis and our equally reliable friends the Russians. Last year, Norway sold $38.4b s worth of Texas Tea. With a 78% tax on oil company profits, the government s coffers are stoked enough to put a fiskerfarse in every pot and pay for sensitivity courses for all men aged eight and up. Of course, none of the money flowing through its oil spigots stops Norway from taxing the shit out of its people; you know, being a social capitalist system and all. Which is Davis point, I think.

In Norway, after the importer has its way with setting the price [of a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S], and after tacking on the 24 percent sales tax, then adding the engine dimension surtax and finally the horsepower surtax, my Norwegian friend says the price will come to roughly E250,000, or $297,000.

Only Denmark rivals Norway for this insanity that, in the end, is geared to keeping motorized traffic and pollution to a minimum while collecting huge luxury taxes. On the other hand, the environment in these extreme societies is crystal clean and the roads are perfect.

On one hand, Davis wants to create taxation shadenfreude. It is, after all, a terrific way to convince you that you just THINK you re paying high taxes on your motoring pleasure. In that sense, the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S is an inspired choice for an example of Norway s House of Horror automotive taxation: It s a hugely expensive, over-engined, geographically appropriate capitalistpigmobile that still seems way cool to AutoWeek s pistonhead audience. (Dude! Imagine driving that thing over some totally rad ice fields!)

In truth, Norway is a country of fuel-efficient Volkswagens and Peugeots. A glimpse at the tax bill for one of these more representative daily drivers would have provided a far better understanding of Norway s automotive tax burden. But hey, who needs genuine illumination when you re talking politics?

On the other hand, Davis lives in Italy, a left-leaning political clusterfuck if ever there was one. So he can t be quite sure how politically tolerant his bosses at AutoWeek are gonna be. So Davis probably figures it s best to play it safe and label Norway s Turbo-Porker taxes insane. This places him safely in the capitalist camp — where he s about as comfortable as a PETA activist sitting at the head table during Wild Game Night at The University Club. So the columnist quickly touts the benefits of this insanity.

With America s highways going to Hell in direct proportion to tax-cutting politicians seeking to hold office, I wonder if high taxes are that bad. Granted my own Italy is a monument to dysfunction regardless of the tax issue, but the more those seeking office here play the tax-cut game, the longer notorious stretches of highway construction will remain unfinished.

I know: low car use is a good thing for people who cherish a crystal clean environment and perfect roads (even if they can t afford to drive on them). As for the negative effect of tax-cutting US politicians (who? where?) on the state of American highways, the connection exists purely in Mr. Davis imagination.

The US federal excise fuel tax is currently 18.4 cents per gallon of gas, 24.4 cents for diesel. Three-quarters of the $40b generated goes directly to transportation. What s more (much more), the 2005 Highway Act adds another $244.6b of your hard-earned money to the exact same end. Sure, the bill contains lots of pointless pork — a gold-fenced pig farm full — but you gotta think there s plenty of money left over for a little tarmac here and there.

Mr. Davis writing betrays the fact that he firmly believes government can — and should — solve all of world s problems by throwing money — yours — at them. The more money government spends, the faster the problems disappear. Presto! If the strategy fails, it s because there wasn t enough money (again, yours). Ironically, Davis rant includes a tacit admission that government fraud, waste and corruption pretty much kills this taxes are good for you and me and everyone on the planet theory.

Davis finishes his paean to the joys of taxing the Hell out of US motorists by citing the eternal road construction afflicting Autostrada A3. He concludes with The Big Question:

Would ratcheting up the tax burden on passenger vehicles, Norsk style, automatically improve the air and roads? It may be too late for Italy.

RF

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Between the Lines: Daniel Howes on Presidental Help [internal]

Once upon a Time, millions of Americans digested the Newsweek with one of two general interest magazines. When it came to pop culture, Time and Newsweek spoke with one voice. And earned a reputation for being cursed; the moment an artist appeared on their cover(s), their cultural relevance was over. It s the same deal with AutoWeek. As soon as the car mag describes an automotive trend as being in the zeitgeist, it s already gone Beanie Baby. Victims include retro-muscle cars, rice rockets and now... hip hop car culture.

In 1986 RUN DMC teamed up with Aerosmith on Walk This Way, a song that in many ways marked the changing of the guard for the rock world and the beginning of a new era in pop culture. Hip-hop had become mainstream.

AutoWeek charged scribe Tamara Warren with the task of writing hip-hop car culture's epitaph — in the guise of a celebratory review. Warren s lead signals that she s not entirely comfortable with the gig: the in many ways qualifier hints at doubts about Mr. Steven Tyler s role in hip-hop s ascendancy. And I reckon she knows that the rock world would have a more careful and detailed analysis of this whole changing of the guard thing.

Like a foreign anthropologist narrating a slide show, Ms. Warren presses on through the thicket of her own passive prose, startling God-knows-who with the news flash that hip-hop has become a major playa in the automotive arena.

Sporting Adidas sneakers, the rappers from Queens set the stage for a culture rooted in branding and a conspicuous display of it. Now, 20 years later, a generation raised on rap music is a leading force in the marketplace. Hip-hop stars like Russell Simmons, Diddy and Jay-Z, clad in expensive-looking suits one day and tracksuits the next, are both tastemakers and household names. Hip-hop has not only grown up, it has taken over the driver s seat. Literally.

While you can t fault Tamara s courage — selecting relevant rap/hip-hop artists without seeming completely clueless is a daunting task — her second graph displays a textbook case of over-reaching editorial justification. Sure, you want to set-up your basic premise, but screaming THIS IS IMPORTANT! doesn t make it so. In fact, the louder you shout, the more heavy lifting needs doing (i.e., PROVE IT!). So...

That s because cars play as big a role in the hip-hop world as the music itself. It s not difficult to understand: A car (the flashier, the better) is the ultimate shout-out to the world that you ve made it from the ghetto, the Bayou, grandma s farm, wherever. Think of it as the ultimate bling.

When Cadillac Escalade fever hit following the SUV s 1999 redesign, it dawned on carmakers that catering to what the hip-hop generation wants was crucial to future sales. But keeping up with passing trends can prove daunting.

Warren, hyperbole is thy name. To claim that cars are as important to rap music as music is like claiming that hot dogs and beer are as important to baseball as the ball. The assertion that cars are the ultimate bling is slightly less absurd, but still dubious. What s worse, by ending her bad places to overcome for street cred list with wherever, Warren's potted history strays dangerously close to condescension — or worse.

At least Warren employs the correct urban slang expression to indicate the importance of one-upmanship within the genre. That said, it s ironic that the term shout out can also mean An inane activity chowing up airwaves, electricity, and bandwidth [www.urbandictionary.com]. OK, it s a cheap shot, but Warren s decision to trot out the Sclade to bolster her arguement about hip-hop's impact on the car world has got me a bit cranky. It's like relying on the pet rock to talk about today's stupid fads.

Anyway, now that automakers have been daunted, Tamara is free to insert a nice big plug for Scion into the heart of her thesis. Scion s sales and promotion manager Jeri Yoshizu does the honors, revealing that Hip-hop culture is not just music. See? She told you! [Quick aside: Did AutoWeek lose its New York Times Style Book?]

From there, Warren backtracks a bit, telling us that it s easy to write off hip-hop s influence — which is fair enough, given that AutoWeek has done so for the last twenty years. She provides an excellent description of hip-hop car culture s pervasiveness — and backtracks again.

While hip-hop has not influenced the creation of these brands, hip-hop s tastes are most prominent in the multi-billion-dollar aftermarket industry with chrome wheels, candy paint and car kits among today s trends.

Methinks Warren s displaying more than a little ambivalence between these lines. The writer soon loses her way entirely, abandonning her central premise to share a couple of Funkmaster Flex and Will Castro quotes on The Next Big Thing. In between, we re treated to some politically correct ethnic ass-kissing from Chrysler.

Before you know it (wakey wakey!), it s t-minus zero. Warren saves the best for last, and it comes from a surprising source: Slum Village band member T3 (personally, I thought T2 was da bomb).

Basically, what we bring to the table is the authenticity within the hip-hop community, says Slum Village s T3. It gets them a different demographic that they didn t touch.

As in so many of these features, the end should have been the beginning. Never mind. In this case, the whole article signals the beginning of the end. The only remaining questions is, what trend will Autoweek curse next?

RF

Hip-Hop is a Hit [AutoWeek]

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Between the Lines: AutoWeek on the Cadillac STS-V [internal]

Each year during the NAIAS Industry Preview days, AutoWeek hosts a Design Forum with big names in car design. At the end of the day, barring any deaths from excessive usage of words ending in "ism," the magazine announces its favorites of the year s cars on display. This year, the Forum looked at Iconic Design, awarding Carroll Shelby the inaugural AutoWeek Lifetime Achievement Award. Click through for the Forum's other award recipients.

Most fun: Nissan Urge Concept
What they said: While parked, you can play all your fave post-apocalyptic urban dash-and-smash games — specifically for now "Project Gotham Racing 3" — using the steering wheel and pedals. It sounds damned pleasurable, to be honest.
What we say: Needs a bigger screen. And a toaster oven.

Best concept: Dodge Challenger
What they said: it's a concept — but one that is so close to production quality in its near-perfect reproduction of the iconic 1970 Challenger as a modern day machine that we can almost smell the production-car rubber burning.
What we say: Two words: Hemi Tonka.

Most significant: 2007 Toyota Camry
What they said: Toyota will easily and quickly become #1 in the world after just one year of sales of this new Camry.
What we say: Toyota has taken nondescript to its highest order. Soon, the National Anthem will just be the hum of a VVT-i V6.

Best in show: Chevrolet Camaro concept
What they said: Only the second time in AutoWeek's long and illustrious tradition of awarding our favorite auto show models with big, fat, shiny trophies has a car won by unanimous vote. We certainly weren't alone in our admiration. At one point during the press preview it looked as if the number of top-tier designers from competing automakers outnumbered the members of the media swarming about the car.
What we say: That sharp-angled front end over egg-crate grillwork makes us picture a really angry 1978 Silverado pickup.

[with Kelly McGilvery]

AutoWeek Gives Editors' Choice Honors to Top Vehicles at Detroit's 2006 NAIAS [Yahoo! News]

What is it with AutoWeek and Cadillac? After giving the new DTS a free pass, the weekly car mag French kisses Cadillac s performance-tuned luxobarge, the STS-V. Promises Kept the cover headline proudly proclaims. For years GM said it would battle BMW s Best. Now it Does. The eagle-eyed lawyerly-types amongst you will notice that the copy doesn t say anything about the STS-V beating Bimmer s best. The fact that the issue also includes a review of the new BMW M5 might have something to do with it. Or not. Who knows what editorial disconnect creates AutoWeek s unintentional irony. But it sure is painful to read.

The hucksterism continues inside, where the headline again holds forth the tantalizing prospect of a killer Caddy — if not the actual fact. American Dream Come True the editors declare. Performance STS-V May be Cadillac s best . You ve got to wonder how a word like May creeps into a car mag s vocabulary. Either the STS-V is the GM division s best effort, or it isn t. And if Autoweek isn t in a position to make that call, who is?

Once again, scribe Bob Gritzinger is charged with the task of explaining away the discrepancy between hopeless hype and prosaic reality. To his credit, he feels obliged to get it over with right from the git-go.

General Motors Performance Division engineers will tell you that their pride and joy, the 2006 Cadillac STS-V, is more of an autobahn rocket than a hyperactive track star.

Unlike its race-bred sibling, the CTS-V, this latest model in Cadillac s performance lineup is not intended for hard cornering, hard braking, hard accelerating or hard anything. That s not to say the car can t handle hard charging, or that it won t match up well against the luxury performance competition; it s just not going to beat anyone up, including, most importantly, the person behind the wheel or the passengers.

In the next graph, Bobby G starts backpedaling furiously. First, he allows GM engineer John Heinricy to set the bar, painting the STS-V as a four-door version of a base C6 Corvette. Then, finally, Gritzinger cuts bait and runs.

For those looking for a BMW M5 in Cadillac clothing, that may not be enough. But for those seeking Corvette performance in a well-mannered, full-size rear-wheel drive American luxury sedan, STS-V is a dream come true.

So much for Bimmer battling. So much for Cadillac. So much for GM. And so much for AutoWeek. The General and the mainstream automotive press are in such shit shape for the exact same reason: they're both in the excuse-making business.

Cadillac s mission should be making the world s best cars, period. If they think it s OK to create vehicles that can barely best Chevrolet s best, instead of the whipping the foreign competition, they are doomed, doomed, doomed. By the same token, if AutoWeek thinks it s OK to co-spin, instead of faithfully reporting the truth, they are condemning themselves to editorial irrelevance and financial oblivion.

Make no mistake: These high-zoot Caddys are all fairly exclusive. Where CTS sells in the range of 70,000 cars per year and the STS about 35,000, only about 4000 CTS-V s go out the door a year- at a selling price in excess of $50,000 each. STS-V will likely half that number, selling just 2000 copies a year to an exclusive clientele capable of handling over more than $77,000. (For those keeping score, Cadillac plans to sell about 1000 of its $100,000-plus XLR-V s annually.)

At some point, of course, AutoWeek s Driving Impressions take on the STS-V will have to knuckle down and give us, well, driving impressions. After three techie graphs, paragraph 14 finally provides a little insight into the nature of the beast. It s quiet. Near-Lexus quiet, in fact. (You can almost hear Toyota sighing with relief.) Needless to say, in Gritzinger s world, it s a good bad thing.

For some of our testers the refinement may go too far- they don t think the engine feels quite as dramatic as 469 hp ought to feel. But all agree there is more than enough scoot under boot to make this unpretentious Caddy a sleeper on the street.

And, dare I say it, on the showroom floor as well. Anyway, our Between the Lines radar lights-up like a nicotine addict when Bobby G, self-effacing yet spirited manual driver that he is, tries to signal us that the Caddy s six-speed slushbox is a tad sluggish.

We d like the transmission to be a little quicker in its shift response, especially when pushing the limit, but then we re used to driving cars with manual gearboxes. For most drivers this gearbox will be more than responsive

As is the case in most of these half-assed "reviews", Gritzinger ends his piece by throwing a bone to a vehicle that can t live up to either his magazine s or the manufacturer s propaganda. He begins the STS-V s soft landing by reiterating the damned by faint praise idea that it s possibly the best car the division has produced. And then this:

Given that, the buying decision ought to come down to whether you prefer STS-V s elegant performance formula or the more rugged, racier edge found in more expensive competitors like the M5 (opposite page) and the Mercedes-Benz E55 AMG. Isn t it nice to have choices for a change?

Yes, it certainly is.

RF

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Between the Lines: AutoWeek on the Subaru Tribeca B9 [internal]

This Web site and others have savaged the Subaru B9 Tribeca for its hideous snout, ugly ass, cramped interior, hateful ergonomics, anemic engine, pathetic gearbox and piss-poor mileage. Needless to say, Rich Ceppos and his fellow AutoWeek scribes don t share our editorial freedom. The magazine s lucrative relationship with their auto making sponsors demands that all punches must be pulled, all dissing dissipated. So when AutoWeek s Autofile set its sites on the horrific B9, it was inevitable that it would read more like a bi-polar apologia than a coherent analysis.

Once again, AutoWeek signals its need to appease even before an article begins. STOP THE GRILLE-ING! the headline screams. Otherwise, Tribeca is OK . Methinks AutoWeek doth protest too much. In fact, the header makes the magazine sound like a wayward husband trying to drown out his wife s [accurate] accusations of adultery. More to the point, the subhead makes it perfectly clear that Autoweek s eds would have us believe from right from the git-go that Scooby s first-ever SUV is a perfectly adequate machine with a bit of unfortunate rhinoplasty. As if. If only.

Anyway, there is honor in AutoWeek s decision to start the Autofile with an acknowledgement of the Tribeca s nose problem — even if the writer chooses to hide behind Subaru s press release.

The B9 Tribeca is the new Subaru flagship and style leader. The company states its SUV debuts new design language for Subaru, featuring a distinctive grille theme derived from the company s aircraft heritage. Already the new grille has spread to the Impreza line.

That grille is causing controversy, however, as even the Subaru fans on staff dislike the new Tribeca s front. And yet those who don t like the grille evidently don t buy this SUV, as none of the Tribeca owners who responded to our request for comments even mentioned it. At least not as a complaint.

Said one respondent of the Tribeca, I love the unique Euro styling. This car is definitely not a me-too vehicle. Another said, What s not to like?"

What exactly do we learn from an assortment of carefully selected quotes drawn from a non-scientific sample of Subaru owners — especially when it s blended with the equally edited observations of professional car journalists? No more or less than what the editors want us to learn, without all the annoyance of personal responsibility.

In any case, the interests of fairness and accuracy would be better served if ALL quotes within the main text included specific attribution. An owner we heard from , some staffers , a third staffer — makes you wonder if the writer isn t simply making it up. Perish the thought.

Autofile goes on to slam the Tribeca — in the nicest possible way. Mileage is unexpectedly below 20mpg. Subaru overreached at the price. Acceleration runs created no great drama. Whilst braking, there was not too much squat nor too much pedal thumping drama. All the major punches save one ( The brakes were smoking after the second stop ) are accompanied by an apology.

Another staffer said the Tribeca doesn t fit his idea of a Subaru. I guess everybody feels a need to have a big ute in the marketplace these days, he said. Sure wish Subaru wasn t one of them. But he added the Tribeca interior is the nicest, most Saab-like interior he has ever seen in a Subaru. Very well-appointed, he said, with a strong layout on the center stack and lots of good places to put things.

Subaru 2006 B9 Tribeca [AutoWeek]

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
Jalopnik Reviews: 2006 Subaru B9 Tribeca Limited, Part 1; Between the Lines: GM s LaNeve on Red Tag Sale [internal]

Automotive writers serve three masters: their readers, the publication and the manufacturers who supply cars — but not in that order. While you re guessing who goes where, October 17th s AutoWeek provides yet another off-kilter example of a tri-cornered car hack struggling to balance these forces. Steven Cole Smith supplies this week s lesson in comedic tightrope walking: a review of Jaguar s Super V8 Portfolio entitled More Super Than Clark Kent. Hang on; shouldn t that be more super than Superman? The headline is the first indication of Mr. Smith s, shall we say, ambivalence

Smith begins with a lengthy quote from Joe Greenwell, Chairman and CEO of Jaguar Cars. Joey G lays out the raison d etre and USP of the marque s special edition XJ in typical PR spin speak. But just when you thought AutoWeek s masthead-deprived reviewer was burnishing the average car journo's rep for kissing ass and rewriting press releases, Smith turns on Greenwell like a Rottweiler who s put up with a toddler s tugging for that tiny bit too long.

It s a good idea to start out these stories with earnest quotes from executives, because with their limited attention span that is often as far as they get before they turn the page.

Not that we re going to say anything bad about the Jaguar flagship, as it is not targeted at this precise demographic, an aging and overweight malcontent who couldn t afford one if his richest relative died and left him his mobile home and cats. Jaguar gave us a Portfolio to drive around in Las Vegas, and we appreciated it.

The review continues in multiple personality mode, as Smith struggles to turn negatives into positives. To wit: the writer s observation that the ZF transmission keeps pretty close tabs on the accelerator pedal and the steering is overboosted [sic] but that s simply Jaguar. But Smith can t help himself; he quickly slips back into laughing at the stupid rich white guys who shell out big bucks for these top-of-the-line limited editions:

Out back are Portfolio tailpipes, which are enormous chromed exhausts tips the size of Crisco cans affixed to what appear to be regular Super V8 pipes. Every time we saw a 1992 Civic sedan drive by that had been the recipient of a J.C. Whitney-type exhaust enhancement, we said, Look! Portfolio tailpipes!

Deploying the circle of life closing technique, Smith ends as he started: mocking a Jag exec while presenting a direct quote.

For those executives who skip right to the end of a story, here is what Bibiana Boerio, managing director of Jaguar Cars, says about this newest cat: The Super V8 Portfolio offers

2006 Jaguar Super V8 Portfolio [AutoWeek]

[Jalopnik s Between the Lines column parses the rhetoric of the automotive industry, and the media that covers it, from the point of view of that kid at the back of the class with ADD, a genius IQ and a thirst for mayhem.]

Related:
More Between the Lines columns [internal]

We never fail to be amused by automobile magazines and websites that struggle to maintain a critical edge without offending current or potential advertisers. This time out, AutoWeek's Bob Gritzinger is charged with the delicate task of telling the world that the 545i sucks, without telling them it sucks. In "weDrive the 5", Bob starts by saying you have to helm the 5 first and complain about it later. Hmmm. I think he means the Bimmer is a great steer but crap in every other way. Here's a classic quote:

But that s not to say the quarter passed without the usual round of kvetching about iDrive, complaining about the Bangle-esque styling, quibbling over lack of storage and inadequate cupholders, and growing concern over some odd creaking noises coming from the passenger-side seat or door panel. It s just that the passing of time seems to have helped put some of the negatives into perspective.

As one editor noted, he may not fully appreciate all the car has to offer, but he doesn t drive the 545i to wallow in luxury or to learn more about the much-maligned, multifaceted iDrive interface. I just ignore the big screen, turn off all the distractions, and I drive the 5, he said.

We love driving the 5 as long as we don t have to deal with too many of its luxury features. But maybe we ll even develop an appreciation for those touches as we drive on for another six months.

2005 BMW 545i: Second-quarter update [AutoWeek]

Related:
Jalopnik Reviews: 2006 BMW 750i, Part 1; Jalopnik Reviews: 2006 BMW 325i, Part 1 [internal]