Amazingly, we saw European cars take seven of the first ten positions, with four BMWs, an Alfa Romeo, a Porsche, and a Volkswagen dominating the race. Mazda and Toyota have five LeMons wins apiece, so we have to think that they're sweating in the boardrooms of Tokyo and Hiroshima right about now. Look for factory-sponsored $500 cars in the near future!

The third annual Arse Freeze-A-Palooza was more like an Arse Cool-A-Palooza this time, due to the schedule putting the race in November instead of December. We had more cars on the track than we'd ever seen at any LeMons event, and the LeMons Supreme Court punished more miscreants than ever before (570 total black flags). We saw our first-ever Toyota Cressida, Renault Alliance, and Northstar-engined Cadillac. The LeMons tradition of Nissan Zs failing miserably continued, with seven 280ZXs and 300ZXs on the track and only one finishing in the top 100… at 99th place. The 2009 LeMons season is now officially over. See you in Phoenix next January!

Thanks to Daniel Zanelli, Kyle Ryan, and Larisa Wolf for photographic help; thanks also to the Faster Farms Non-Rotisserie Chickens for allowing me to bolt the PillarCam to their Belvedere.

Not enough LeMons action for you? Check out the top lemons of past races: Altamont '07 • Arse Freeze '07 • Altamont '08 • Ohio '08 • New England '08 • South '08 • Texas '08 • Arse Freeze '08 • Texas Spring '09 • South Spring '09 • Reno '09 • New Orleans '09 • New England '09 • Buttonwillow '09 • South Fall '09 • Ohio '09 • Texas Fall '09

1. Pandamonium Racing, BMW 325i
Overall Winner
Best Lap: 2:19;185

2. Eyesore Racing, Ghettocharged Mazda Miata
Winner, Organizer's Choice Award
Winner, Class Good
Best Lap: 2:16.282

3. Bavarian Beer Wagon, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:21.786

4. Team California Mille, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Winner, Highest Placing 70s Contender Award
Best Lap: 2:26.955

5. Formula BMW, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:21.671

6. Cajun Coonasses dba Speed Racer, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:29.481

7. Team Hurling Moss, BMW 2002
Winner, Class Bad
Best Lap: 2:27.843

8. Old Fast Auto Race Team, Porsche 924S
Best Lap: 2:21.181

9. Lil Smokey And The Bandit, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:19.227

10. $14 The Hard Way, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 2:23.799

11. Bunny With A Pancake On Its Head, Volkswagen Rabbit
Best Lap: 2:28.931

12. Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0, Geo Metro
Best Lap: 2:18.195

13. The Faustest Team, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:23.160

14. Los Cerdos Voladores, Plymouth Neon
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank Award
Best Lap: 2:23.146

15. 1Up Mother Cluckers - Well-Connected Nissan Freaks
Winner, Judges' Choice Award
Best Lap: 2:22.986

16. Lipstick On A Pig, Nissan Sentra SE-R
Best Lap: 2:24.079

17. Italian Stallions aka "The Fiat," Fiat X1/9
Best Lap: 2:25.618

18. Autobahn Society Racing, BMW 2002
Best Lap: 2:30.655

19. Zoom-Zoom...BOOM, Mazda 323
Best Lap: 2:29.873

20. Ecurie Ecrappe Autodenta, 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
Best Lap: 2:21.236

21. Heisenberg Racing, BMW 318
Best Lap: 2:21.422

22. Barbarian Motorworks, BMW 325eS
Best Lap: 2:21.164

23. Rockerz In Dockerz, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:34.323

24. The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, Peugeot 505 Turbo
Winner, Grassroots Motorsports Most From The Least Award
Best Lap: 2:27.088

25. Socialist Dogsledders, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:24.155

26. Bernal Dads Racing, Volvo 245
Best Lap: 2:31.161

27. Scuderia Flat Pack, Volvo DL
BS Penalty laps: 4
Best Lap: 2:17.234

28. The Sharks, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:18.246

29. Frozen Assets, Plymouth Neon
Best Lap: 2:20.990

30. Absolute Lemon Motorsports, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:20.033

31. Falknor Auto Racing Team (FART), BMW 535i
Best Lap: 2:24.714

32. An Inconvenient Car, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:22.319

33. Planet Hell Racing, Porsche 944
Best Lap: 2:30.168

34. Clueless Party Vikings Vintage Racers, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:23.009

35. Uber Vogel Hans-Am, Mercedes-Benz 190E
Best Lap: 2:26.873

36. Free Range Racing, Toyota MR2

37. Team Cant Am, Volvo 242 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:27.579

38. Reversed Darwinism II: Brute Force And Ignorance, Ford Crown Victoria
Best Lap: 2:24.817

39. PIT CREW REVENGE, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:27.761

40. Filthy Faux Ford GT40, Ford Escort ZX2
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:25.862

41. Sierra Auto Recycling, Ford Crown Victoria
Best Lap: 2:28.674

42. Stars & Stripes Racing, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:23.415

43. Carpocalypse NOW!, Eagle Talon TSi
Best Lap: 2:24.613

44. Guud Humor Racing, Ford Ranger
Winner, Class Ugly
Best Lap: 2:25.495

45. Dust n Debris, Dodge Shadow
Best Lap: 2:31.937

46. Beaver Domination, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:22.313

47. POS Delivery, BMW 325i
Best Lap: 2:26.497

48. Red Rocket Racing, Toyota Celica GT
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:33.262

49. The Cannonball Bandits, Toyota Corolla FX16
Best Lap: 2:34.066

50. Carpet Pissers, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:25.011

51. Festiva Royale, Ford Festiva
Best Lap: 2:35.383

52. LowerGearEpisode2, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:20.892

53. Death Race 2000: Frankenstein's REVENGE, Mazda MX-6
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:28.969

54. Squadra Volante, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Best Lap: 2:32.232

55. Caffeine Unlimited, BMW E30
Best Lap: 2:24.698

56. Team Barbie, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:34.177

57. Deepest Valley Racing, Chevrolet Caprice
Best Lap: 2:32.734

58. San Jose Scalawags, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:27.099

59. Badagascar, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:23.847

60. Save The Whale, Ford Crown Victoria
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:15.069

61. Team California Mille #2, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Best Lap: 2:33.280

62. Redneck Racing Team (RRT), Cadillac Eldorado
Best Lap: 2:31.785
Image credit: Kyle Ryan

63. Team Petty Cash, Jeep Cherokee
Best Lap: 2:31.561

64. Size Does Matter, Plymouth Fury
Best Lap: 2:26.603

65. Purple Lemon Racing, Volkswagen Beetle
Winner, Index Of Effluency
Best Lap: 2:47.501

66. Mysteries Inc. Racing, Plymouth Voyager Turbo
Best Lap: 2:47.721

67. Fast Cat Jungle Racing, Toyota Cressida
Best Lap: 2:35.849

68. I Wanna Roc, Chevrolet Camaro
Best Lap: 2:30.398

69. Team Ken, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:31.182

70. TSP - Drivers In Training, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:25.481

71. Mazdarachis, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:12.311

72. Snobs On The Dole, Saab 9-3 Convertible
Best Lap: 2:27.135

73. Team King Crab, BMW 325i
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:37.413

74. Members Only, Porsche 928 Shooting Brake
Best Lap: 2:19.718

75. NYPD ITB, Mazda 323
Best Lap: 2:31.954

76. LEMON DEMOLITION, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:22.682

77. Sin City SCAR Wars, Pontiac Fiero
Best Lap: 2:30:263

78. Chim Chim Racing, Volkswagen GTI
Best Lap: 2:28.689

79. Snowspeeder Pilots Association, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:27.409

80. Gift With Purchase, BMW 325iS
Best Lap: 2:19.947

81. Hit & Run II, Mitsubishi Starion
Best Lap: 2:29.933

82. Magnum P.O.S., Honda CRX

83. Team Lightning McQueen, Pontiac Sunfire
Best Lap: 2:42.587

84. Yushin Maru Racing, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:04.824

85. B-Team, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:30.216

86. Unknown Fluids, BMW 633CSi
Best Lap: 2:26.837

87. Fart-Rari Racing, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:23.518

88. ONSET/TWTM2
Best Lap: 2:25.532

89. Runs Like A Raped Ape, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:20.101

90. The Big EASY, Porsche 914
Best Lap: 2:30.939

91. Fast Times @ Placer High, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:21.702

92. A+ Trailer Trash, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:26.694

93. The Flakes, Volvo 244
Best Lap: 2:32.852

94. Starsky and the Bandit, Ford Capri
Best Lap: 2:27.427

95. Team Dai Hard, Daihatsu Charade

96. ZZ Uber Das Driver: Uncle Uber Is Back, Volkswagen GTI

97. Frak This Racing / Lime Tigers, Datsun 280Z
Best Lap: 2:14.862

98. Knights Of The Round Track, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:32.676

99. 1320 Turners, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:19.039

100. D, C&H Taxi Co, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:31.928

101. Tercelators' Totally Bitchen Camaro, Chevrolet Camaro
Best Lap: 2:36.017

102. The Channel 4 News Team, Nissan 240SX
BS Penalty laps: 16
Best Lap: 2:25.019

103. Diplomatic Immunity, 1995 Mercedes-Benz S600
Winner, Heroic Fix Award
Winner, I Got Screwed Award
Best Lap: 2:43.869

104. U.S. BureauCRAP, Nissan Maxima
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:23.578

105. Junk Yard Kats, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:25.387

106. Hit & Run, BMW 320i
Best Lap: 2:41.311

107. Punk Racing, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:19.362

108. A Lemon Entry, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:32.656

109. Nerd Herd, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:25.362

110. THUNDER RACERS, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:26.362

111. Team InternationOLVO (aka Damn Foreigners), Volvo 242 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:35.094

112. REDNECK RACERS, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:23.586

113. LOOSE NUTS CALIFORNIA, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:23.586

114. Huey Newis and the Lose, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:26.513

115. Unsafe At Any Speed, Chevrolet Corvair
Best Lap: 2:54.645

116. HomeTown Buffet / WOO WOOO!, Isuzu I-Mark RS
Best Lap: 2:35.967

117. Rooster Juice Racing, Porsche 924
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:35.773

118. Gimp Pimp, Cadillac STS
Best Lap: 2:29.979

119. E=MC HAMMERED, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:25.462

120. Audi In Wonderland, Audi 90
Best Lap: 2:28.695

121. Wienerschmoker II: Electric Boogaloo, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 15
Best Lap: 2:27.387

122. Rice Rocket Racing (the Sequel) or RQubed, Nissan 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:23.140

123. XDOG'S, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:31.199

124. Rockin Rollers, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:32.502

125. Faster Farms II: Non Rotisserie Chickens, Plymouth Belvedere
Best Lap: 2:32.949

126. Wedginator III, Triumph TR7
Best Lap: 2:30.420

127. Automatica, BMW 325i Convertible
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:26.283

128. Rubber Chicken Piccata Racing, Volvo 740GLE
BS Penalty lap: 4
Best Lap: 2:27.115

129. Blood Drive / Arcane Racing, BMW 530i
Best Lap: 2:24.252

130. Family Truckster, Ford Pinto
Best Lap: 2:29.685

131. F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team, Renault Alliance
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:42.831

132. The Black Flags, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:27.738

133. Project FATE, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:34.077

134. Leftover Parts Racing, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:32.608

135. 4 R's (aka 501k), Volkswagen Jetta
Best Lap: 2:30.428

136. Las Vegas Magic, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:25.497

137. Chicken Licken- Reburned, Nissan Stanza
Best Lap: 2:28.123

138. Killer Bees, MGB
Best Lap: 2:34.924

139. Pearl Harbor Racing, Datsun 200SX
Best Lap: 2:37.848

140. Angry Hamster Racing, Honda Z600
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology Award
Best Lap: 2:30.906

141. Magnum P.I.G., Toyota Celica
Best Lap: 2:30.847

142. Dudes of Hazard, Toyota Celica Alltrac Turbo
Best Lap: 2:31.097

143. Group of Foolz, BMW 533i
Best Lap: 2:41.045

144. Team Apathy, Saab 9000 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:33.079

145. Team Pyrite, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:29.821

146. Clunkers Refuge Racing, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:40.543

147. LITTLE WOODY, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:53.268

148. Blanco Basura Racing, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:33;837

149. Hatfield's and McCoy's, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 3:29.281

150. Kamikaze Ninjas With Lasers, Nissan Sentra SE-R
BS Penalty laps: 150
Best Lap: 2:26.620

151. Mark's Wife Won't Let Him Drive, Prosche 944
BS Penalty laps: 300
Best Lap: 2:19.175

152. Motoring J Style, Acura Integra
BS Penalty laps: 1,200
Best Lap: 2:22.508

Unlike most claimer races, in which any schmoe on the premises may claim a car for a specified sum, the fine print of the 24 Hours Of LeMons rulebook states that "At the end of the competition, the organizer—and nobody else, you lazy, better-car-wantin' bastids—may elect to purchase any vehicle from its owner(s) for $500. In other words, don't spend a lot on a cheater, cause if you do, you ain't gonna own it much longer." While Chief Perp Jay Lamm had considered claiming a car in the past (often with much encouragement to do so from the LeMons Supreme Court), he'd always chickened out with some lame excuse like "I have too many damn hoopty-ass cars at my house now, where am I going to fit another one?" Not this time! Since the Paraguayan Benz is essentially unregisterable, the engine will end up in a Model A owned by one of the Assistant Perps, while the rest of the car will likely be traded for a couple of boxes of rusty Alfa Romeo parts.

The good news for Team Diplomatic Immunity is that they went home with two major trophies: the Heroic Fix, for their 8-hour heater-hose replacement, and the coveted I Got Screwed trophy, for having their nice car snatched away from their clutches.

Everything was going just fine for Der Wienerschmoker II, Electric Boogaloo (which somehow managed to get an M3 engine past the LeMons Supreme Court), but it turns out that more power doesn't necessarily result in a better race car. We're not quite sure what happened out there, but the result was one very bent-up E30. Note all the Bart Simpson Penalty writing under that Thunderhill dirt on the bodywork; perhaps we should have been harsher on the Wienerschmokers in the Penalty Box!

Wayne, aka Stratocastrator, was at the wheel and walked away from the wreck without a scratch. Being a veteran of decades of balls-to-the-wall dirt-track racing, he didn't consider this to be much of an impact.

Wayne's tough, but it turns out that the Volvo 240 is even tougher! You know all those ads Volvo used to run, touting the rollover protection of the 240? They weren't bullshitting- the roof wasn't even mashed down to the roll cage! According to team captain Hellhammer, all the car needs to run again is a new left front wheel.

But you don't care about all that stuff- you want to witness the carnage! OK, we're happy to oblige:

Thanks to Larisa Wolf for the photograph at top!

Their reward: overall win at the third annual Arse Freeze-A-Palooza 24 Hours Of LeMons! Even though it was yet another damn E30 (the third to take the overall win at a LeMons race, which ties the Toyota Supra for most LeMons wins by a single model of car), we felt pretty good about giving the trophy to these guys. You see, not only were they very infrequent visitors to the Penalty Box- in a race that annihilated the black-flag record, with a total of five hundred and freakin' twenty penalties over the weekend- but they had the class to relinquish number 43 so that the Über Bird team could Petty out their machine in proper fashion. Great job, Pandamonium!

That's not to take away from the accomplishment of Pandamonium Racing's BMW E30; I'll post about their overall win once I'm back to civilization. Now I"m going to pack up the Crown Vic and head south 130 miles. Check in later for more LeMons Arse Freeze roundups!

At this race, we've seen some normally bulletproof machines fall apart, while the Italian contingent (four Alfa Romeos and a Fiat) have proven completely trouble-free.

The failure of a tiny hose in the Paraguayan Mercedes-Benz S600 knocked the car out of the action for most of Saturday. The team was able to get a replacement hose, but had to remove approximately 10,000 oddball fasteners in order to access its hiding place beneath the intake manifold. Betcha this is a $15,000 repair at your local Benz shop! The car managed to get back onto the track late in the afternoon, and proved to be so slow and unwieldy that most of the People's Curse talk has died down. Would you believe that "V12" is not necessarily synonymous with "fast?"

The Angry Hamster Racing Magna V65-powered Honda Z600 turned out to be quite fast on the track... right up to the moment at which they started having problems with the gears in their snazzy CNC-machined direction-reversing gearbox. They lost some time on Saturday, but have returned to the action.

These Saab racers have done their best to carry on the LeMons Saab tradition of burning holes in their cylinder heads. Hope the local junkyards have another one!

The casualty rate among the Nissan Z contingent appears to be approaching 100%, with an epidemic holes in blocks, busted clutches, and impossible-to-diagnose electrical woes bringing tears to the eyes of Nissan lovers everywhere.

The video below, provided by the V8olvo team, tells the whole story. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and the Volvo will be ready to race later this morning. It seems unlikely that the TR7 can be fixed, but you never know what miracles of duct-tape repair might happen at a 24 Hours Of LeMons race!

We've got some still photos of the action as well, thanks to Jesse of the Killer Bee MGB team.

Well, he wasn't hurt in the wreck, that is; his teammates (including 5-time DOTS honoree WhatWouldJesseDo) might end up inflicting some bodily harm due to unhappiness over the self-inflicted PIT Maneuver that takes place in the video below. Here you will see the view from the Team Stimulus Package Honda Civic as the incident unfolds.

At this point, the #5 car sits just two laps behind the #1 car; in fact, a mere 10 laps separates the 20th-place car from the leader. We expect to see some reshuffling of these positions tomorrow. You'll find the complete standings, with best lap times, in the gallery below.

Of course, they've got quite a few cars looming in the rear-view mirror, and plenty of racing remains. Will they be the lap leader to start the race tomorrow? We'll see!

Will one of the motorcycle-engined machines dominate? Will the Über Bird use its superior aerodynamics to outrun the field? Will the Cressida and Maxima whip out some serious Japanese Luxo-Sportiness and totally own? There's just no telling! I'll do my best to post live updates, but all signs point to a very, very busy day in the Penalty Box.

I decided to mount the camera (a CHDK-hacked Canon A460) up on one of the metal pillars that supports the roof over the BS Inspection area, but I had no camera-mount bracket... until I stopped by the paddock space of the F-ING Fromage1 Renault Alliance team and picked up a shard of Oregon license plate and some random fasteners. Worked great!

That's the Murilee Arraiac song "Pancreas," which really had 'em dancing in the streets back in 1988. Enjoy.

That's right, it really is possible to obtain a great big Benz with a V12 engine, dent-free body, and cherry interior for 500 bucks. Now, some of you may be asking yourselves, "How in the hell could a car that sold new for $130,000 just over a decade ago possibly make it past the LeMons Supreme Court without getting issued so many penalty laps that the judges get carpal tunnel syndrome from writing so many zeros on the inspection sheet?"

We had a hard time believing it ourselves, but here's how it went down: the car was brought into the country by a Paraguayan diplomat (it still has diplomatic plates), and then some hazily-defined event took place that resulted in a drug-smuggling bust and the involvement of police personnel from several nations. After that, the car became permanently radioactive in the eyes of the DMV, with dealer after dealer attempting to wash it clean of its sins and register it for street use. No dice! Finally, all the optimism evaporated and the last dealer washed his hands of the car, selling it for a grand to... the same LeMons team that once ran a Jaguar XJ-S. They sold the driver's seat for 500 bucks, and that was that. The heater works, the roll cage was installed without trashing the beautiful wood-and-leather interior, and we bought the whole story. There's talk that one of the LeMons Perpetrators may get the Chief Perp to claim the car (as is his, and only his, right) so that he can drop the engine in a '27 Ford Tudor. The team members say they don't want to see this car ever again, once the race is done, so things might work out well for all concerned.

Yes, we've long wanted to see a big German car get turned into a Plymouth Super Bird, and now our dream has come true! A little sheet metal, a lot of Bondo, and the number 43 is all you need.

We gave one cheaty Integra team a choice: take five laps or flip a coin, with heads giving them zero laps and tails resulting in a massive 1,200-lap penalty. They took the coin toss... and got tails! We saw our first-ever LeMons Cressida, our first-ever LeMons 928, and the best LeMons Super Bird ever. More on the Über Bird a bit later; for now, a gallery of BS Inspection photos for you.

I could go on and on about the 200-proof, clear-quill engineering geekery that went into the Angry Hamster Z600- which, by the way, has a smaller footprint than a 4x8 sheet of plywood and will thus fit in the back of an Econoline van- but the entire story is summed up by this photograph. That's the billet-machined gearbox that the Angry Hamsters whipped up from scratch, in order to reverse the direction of the engine's output shaft (which rotated the wrong way for the Mazda rear end they're using) and offset the driveshaft closer to the vehicle centerline. Just look at it! Now multiply that sort of lunacy by everything on the car and you can see why we're in awe of this machine. 110 horsepower in a 1,260-pound vehicle ought to make for some decent acceleration, eh?

When the Metro-Gnomes heard about the Hamsters, they knew they couldn't stand pat with their front-wheel-drive CBR900 setup, and they'd blown their engine to hell at the Buttonwillow race anyway. Somehow they found the budgetary room to get a CBR1000 engine… which they proceeded to move to the rear of the car! Not content to go all Cro-Magnon on the car and just drop a junkyard live axle in the back, they went with the independent rear suspension route and simply moved the entire front suspension and drivetrain to the rear of the car. A junkyard Metro suspension with a lot of cool low-budget mods went in the front. And while the Angry Hamsters got all mathematical and shit with their project, the Metro-Gnomes simply broke out the zip-ties and Sawzall and made everything fit! Some beautiful junkyard ingenuity went into this car, and Dave Coleman (of the Goin' For Broken LeMons-winning Eyesore Racing Ghettocharged Miata team) has done an excellent job documenting all of it over on MotoIQ. Yes, the Eyesores, Hamsters, and Gnomes all know each other, so we figure the rivalry this weekend ought to be fairly friendly.

Who's got the edge? Well, the Angry Hamsters probably have the best power-to-weight ratio and, but the drivers don't have much wheel-to-wheel road-race experience and they didn't get the car finished in time to do any testing before race weekend. The Metro-Gnomes have three LeMons races under their belts, plus numerous track-day practice sessions, but they didn't have the benefit of a huge CNC machine shop for their fabrication needs and there's no telling how all their engineering will hold together under fire. Check in later to find out how they do on Day One of the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza 2009!

Angry Hamster Racing Honda Magna V65-powered Honda Z600

Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0 Honda CBR1000-powered Geo Metro

Ah, the Arse Freeze! Who could forget the incredible end-over-end Datsun B210 flip at the 2007 race? Or the upside-down '66 Plymouth Belvedere at last year's race? This year's race takes place a month earlier than its predecessors, so perhaps we'll get pleasant, sunny weather instead of the customary freezing winds and stinging horizontal rain.

Not only do we get to see how the most complicated motor vehicle that $245 will buy performs on a race track, the freaks at Evil Genius Racing have converted it into a 928 Shooting Brake! Here's a photo shot at a track day on Thursday, showing the rear body structure; by race day it will be covered with sheet metal.

The 928SB did pretty well on its first visit to a race track. Well, it did puke all its transmission fluid on the track after 4.3 laps (precisely the number predicted by LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman) and the chopped springs turned out to be a bad idea, but after some tinkering it managed to run a very impressive 2:14 lap time... with a certain Über Spec Miata God behind the wheel. Go here for some in-car video.

Then we've got the F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team and their Renault Alliance. Words cannot adequately describe how much everyone at LeMons HQ has yearned for a Renault in a LeMons race, and now it's really going to happen! The brilliant theme speaks for itself, and the team captain happens to be Phil Frank, CCO of a company known for slightly pricier vehicles (Mr. Frank wants us to know that his employer is neither funding or condoning the team's efforts, but we suspect that stance will change if the Alliance takes the win). Will this Car Of The Year-winning Franco-Kenosha machine be able to withstand the overpowering EMP shock waves emanating from the Porsche's absurdly complicated electrical system? But wait, there's more!

You know what endurance road racing has been missing all these years? Jeep Cherokees duking it out with RX-7s and E30s! Some people- bad people- will try to tell you that a Cherokee doesn't belong on a demanding track such as Thunderhill, but Petty Cash Racing disagrees. Will the Cherokee be able to use that AMC inline six power to beat its natural rival, the Mysteries Inc Voyager Turbo minivan?

How about a Daihatsu Charade endurance racer? Yes, my neighbors with the '69 Morris Traveller have formed Team Dai Hard, and they'll be relying on that legendary Daihatsu racing heritage to carry them to victory.

We'll also have a Malaise Era Datsun 200SX, an air-cooled Beetle, a Mitsubishi Starion, Ford Capri, a '97 Nissan Maxima, and an alleged '95 Mercedes-Benz S Class. Not enough for you? The spectacle of the Magna V65-powered Honda Z600 taking on the Arse Freeze-winning Geo Metro Gnome (now upgraded with rear-wheel drive and a Honda CBR1000RR engine) ought to be worth the price of admission alone. In order to fit all 160 cars, the race will be using the full course at Thunderhill this time. That's right, you heard me right- the entire course, with all its hills and challenging turns! It'll be utter madness! So, here's the official team list as of a few days ago; last-second changes always happen, so be ready for surprises:

Unsafe at Any Speed, 1965 Chevrolet Corvair
Faster Farms II: Non Rotisserie Chickens, 1966 Plymouth Belvedere
Size Does Matter, 1967 Plymouth Fury III
Purple Lemon Racing, 1969 Volkswagen Beetle
Ecurie Ecrappe Autodenta, 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
Angry Hamster Racing, 1971 Honda Z600
Family Truckster, 1972 Ford Pinto Wagon
The Big EASY, 1973 Porsche 914
Starsky and the Bandit, 1974 Ford Capri
Team California Mille #2, 1976 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Autobahn Society Racing, 1976 BMW 2002
Team Hurling Moss, 1976 BMW 2002
Frak This Racing/ Lime Tigers, 1976 Datsun 280Z
Wedginator iii, 1976 Triumph TR7
Skid Row Racing, 1977 Chevrolet Camaro
Motoring J Style, 1977 Datsun
Killer Bees, 1977 MG MGB
Blood Drive/Arcane Racing, 1978 BMW 530i
Team California Mille, 1979 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Squadra Volante, 1979 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GTV
Rooster Juice Racing, 1979 Porsche 924
Italian Stallions aka "The Fiat", 1980 Fiat X1/9
Pearl Harbor Racing, 1981 Datsun 200sx
Unknown Fluids, 1982 BMW 633CSi
Hit & Run, 1983 BMW 320i
The Sharks, 1983 BMW 528e
Group of Foolz, 1983 BMW 533i
team power, 1983 BMW 633csi
Rice Rocket Racing (the sequel) or RQubed, 1983 Datsun Nissan 280ZX
LOOSE NUTS CALIFORNIA, 1983 Mazda RX7
Leftover Parts Racing, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Punk Racing, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Rockin Rollers, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Team Barbie, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Junk Yard Kats, 1983 Nissan 280 ZX Turbo
The Black Flags, 1983 Toyota Celica Supra
Bunny With A Pancake On Its Head, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit
Chim Chim Racing, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit
Team InternationOLVO (aka Damn Foreigners), 1983 Volvo 240 Turbo
Team Cant Am, 1983 Volvo 242T
TSP - Drivers In Training, 1984 Honda Civic
Team Ken, 1984 Mazda Rx7
A+ Trailor Trash, 1984 Mazda RX-7
Hit & Run II, 1984 Mitsubishi Starion
Members Only, 1984 Porsche 928
Fish out of Water, 1984 Porsche 944
F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team, 1984 Renault Alliance
ZZ Uber Das Driver: Uncle Uber is Back!, 1984 Volkswagen GTI
Mustard Yellow Volvo Doing 45 in the Fast Lane, 1984 Volvo 244
Bernal Dads Racing, 1984 Volvo 245
Bavarian Beer Wagon, 1985 BMW 325e
Wienerschmoker II: Electric Boogaloo, 1985 BMW 325e
Huey Newis and the Lose, 1985 Ford Mustang
Carpet Pissers, 1985 Honda CRX
Mazdarachis, 1985 Mazda RX7
Stars & Stripes Racing, 1985 Mazda RX-7
Sin City SCAR Wars, 1985 Pontiac Fiero
Snowspeeder Pilots Association, 1985 Toyota MR2
B-Team, 1986 BMW 325e
Formula BMW, 1986 BMW 325E
Barbarian Motorworks, 1986 BMW 325es
Faulknor Auto Racing Team (FART), 1986 BMW 535i
Festiva Royale, 1986 Ford Kia Festiva Pride
XDOG's, 1986 Honda CRX
LITTLE WOODY, 1986 Honda CRX Si
1320 Turners, 1986 Nissan 300ZX
Clunkers Refuge Racing, 1986 Nissan 300ZX
Project FATE, 1986 Nissan 300zx
Planet Hell Racing, 1986 Porsche 944
The Faustest Team, 1986 BMW 325
Red Rocket Racing, 1986 Toyota Celica GT
Knights of the round track, 1986 Toyota MR2
Nerd Herd, 1986 Toyota MR2
The Flakes, 1986 Volvo 244
Driving For Donations!, 1987 Acura Legend Coupe
Absolute Lemon Motorsports, 1987 BMW 325
E=MC HAMMERED, 1987 BMW 325e
Flamin' Rods, 1987 BMW 325is
Caffeine Unlimited, 1987 BMW E30
Tercelators' Totally Bitchen Camaro, 1987 Chevrolet Camaro
ONSET/TWTM2, 1987 Chevrolet Cavalier Wagon
Rockerz in Dockerz, 1987 Ford Mustang
Uber Vogel: Hans-Am, 1987 Mercedes 190E
Old Fast Auto Race Team and Sons, 1987 Porsche 924S
Mark's Wife Won't Let Him Drive, 1987 Porsche 944
The Cannonball Bandits, 1987 Toyota Corolla FX-16
Lil Smokey and the Bandit Racing, 1987 Toyota MR2
LowerGearEpisode2, 1988 BMW 325
A Lemon Entry, 1988 Ford Escort
Magnum P.O.S., 1988 Honda CRX
Cajun Coonasses dba Speed Racer, 1988 Honda Prelude
Hatfieldís and McCoy's, 1988 Nissan 300zx
The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, 1988 Peugeot 505 Turbo S
Dudes of Hazard, 1988 Toyota Celica
Free Range Racing, 1988 Toyota MR2
Yushin Maru Racing, 1988 Toyota Supra
Rubber Chicken Piccata Racing, 1988 Volvo GLE740
I Wanna Roc, 1989 Chevrolet Camaro
Team Dai Hard, 1989 Daihatsu Charade CLS
Clueless Party Vikings Vintage Racers, 1989 Ford Mustang
THUNDER RACERS, 1989 Ford Mustang
An Inconvenient Car, 1989 Ford Taurus SHO
Deepest Valley Racing, 1989 GMC Caprice
HomeTown Buffet / WOO WOOO!, 1989 Isuzu I-Mark RS
Team Petty Cash, 1989 Jeep Cherokee
Mysteries Inc. Racing, 1989 Plymouth Voyager Turbo
Team Red Beer, 1989 Toyota Camry
4 R's (aka 501k), 1989 Volkswagen Jetta
Runs like a Raped Ape, 1990 Acura Integra
Automatica, 1990 BMW 325i
Pandamonium Racing, 1990 BMW 325i
Team Pyrite, 1990 Eagle Talon
Guud Humor Racing, 1990 Ford Ranger Extended Cab
Las Vegas Magic, 1990 Honda CRX
LEMON DEMOLITION, 1990 honda CRX
Fast Times @ Placer High, 1990 Mazda Miata
San Jose Scalawags, 1990 Mazda Mx 5
Heisenberg Racing, 1991 BMW 318
POS Delivery, 1991 BMW 325i
Redneck Racing Team(RRT), 1991 Cadillac Eldorado
Blanco Basura Racing, 1991 Honda Prelude
NYPD ITB, 1991 Mazda 323
Zoom-Zoom... BOOM, 1991 Mazda 323
FartRari Racing, 1991 Mazda Miata
The channel 4 news team, 1991 Nissan 240sx
1UP Mother Cluckers - Well Connected Nissan Freaks, 1991 Nissan Sentra
Lipstick on a Pig, 1991 Nissan Sentra
Kamikaze Ninjas with Lasers, 1991 Nissan Sentra SE-R
Gift With Purchase, 1992 BMW 325is
Carpocalypse NOW!, 1992 Eagle Talon TSI AWD
Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0, 1992 Geo Metro
Death Race 2000: Frankenstein's REVENGE!, 1992 Mazda MX-6
Chicken Licken -Reburned, 1992 Nissan Stanza
REDNECK RACERS, 1993 Acura Integra
Beaver Domination, 1993 Honda Civic
Socialist Dogsledders, 1993 Honda Civic Type
Eyesore Racing, 1993 Mazda Miata
Badagascar, 1994 Acura Integra
Dust n Debris, 1994 Dodge Shadow
Bachelor Boys & The Lost One, 1994 Honda Civic
Magnum pig, 1994 Toyota Celica
Audi in Wonderland, 1995 Audi 90
Team King Crab, 1995 BMW 325i
PIT CREW REVENGE, 1995 Honda Civic
Diplomatic Immunity, 1995 Mercedes S Class
Los Cerdos Voladores, 1995 Plymouth Neon
$14 The Hard Way, 1995 Volkswagen Golf GL
Gimp Pimp, 1996 Cadillac STS
reversed darwinism II: brute force and ignorance, 1997 Ford Crown Victoria
U.S. BureauCRAP, 1997 Nissan Maxima
Frozen Assets, 1997 Plymouth Neon
sierra auto recycling, 2000 Ford Crown Victoria
Save The Whale, 2000 Ford Crown Victoria
Filthy Faux Ford GT40, 2001 Ford Escort ZX2
Team Lightning McQueen, 2004 Pontiac Sunfire
DC&H Taxi Co
Team Apathy: Blown Seal Racing
Snobs on the Dole
Team Red Bear

I first heard from the machine-shop-owning, Mazda GTX-rallying, Human-Powered Land Speed Record-challenging engineer uber-freaks when they offered to take some of the useless-to-me extra parts that came with my 20R Sprite Hell Project. So, I headed on over to their East Bay shop with a Mazda RX-2 rear and some matching steel rims in the Civic.

The first thing I noticed was the aluminum five-man tandem bike on the wall, built while this team's head madman was studying engineering at a California university that will probably sue us if we mention its name in context with this "race car."

I must admit: for a completely stupid idea, this one is very, very nicely executed. The engine will go where the passenger once sat, with a machined-from-scratch gearbox to reverse the direction of rotation and send power to the driveshaft. Hell yes, it's going to be rear-wheel drive! This thing is going to be a total nightmare something of a handful on the track, what with all that power in such a short wheelbase, but there's no doubt that it will be quick... when it's not spinning out.

The Z600's front suspension was a little too fragile for racing duty (and let's not even get started on the stamped-steel brake calipers), so a Mazda RX-7 parts car donated its front subframe. Hey, what's a little narrowing and welding and endless fabrication? No problem!

With three weeks to, there's a terrifying amount of work left to do. The engine runs fine on a test bench, but the mounts, driveshaft, wiring, and a million other details need to be worked out. The good news is that the car is sitting in a fabulously equipped machine shop full of dudes who can just start whittling metal if they need a special part. 500 bucks worth of parts, 100 grand worth of labor: LeMons-approved! Meanwhile, the Metro Gnomes aren't standing still; they've switched to a bigger engine and rear-wheel-drive. They want you to know that they're totally legit, too! I tell you what, I'm counting the days until this matchup appears on the track. So when do we get to see a motorcycle-engined Subaru 360, eh?

The Porsche 924-based Rooster Juice team would seem to be in good shape for Arse Freeze-A-Palooza acceptance, based on the video you're about to watch. Even though I'm not exactly the biggest Weezer fan in the world (to put it mildly), I had to watch this beautiful little film several times, just to catch all the jokes. Good work, Rooster Juice... and I suspect you've made enough of an impression on the shadowy Emeryville cabal that chooses the winning entries that we'll be seeing you at Thunderhill this November.


While you're here, might as well watch some footage from the Official Judge Murilee GrilleCam™, which the members of the Police Brutality MN12 Lincoln were kind enough to install in their extremely fast (though not particularly reliable) race car:


Here's some video from the S.O.B. VW Golf, a team we hammered with 128 penalty laps in spite of their donation of sombreros to keep the LeMons Supreme Court cool in the South Carolina sun.