This collection is getting out of control fast, and with at least 21 races next year my rate of T-shirt acquisition is going to accelerate to an alarming level. When I admire the designs of the better shirts, however, the burden of being the caretaker of the LeMons T-Shirt Museum seems totally worthwhile. Let's check 'em out, starting off with the fine shirt created by BMW 2002-driving Team JDL. Note: when a shirt includes designs on front and back, I've included photographs of both sides.

Update: Team Jewish Defense League BMW has shirts for sale on Zazzle!

Yes, everything was going just fine for this veteran LeMons team… until those pesky wheel studs decided they'd had enough. Fortunately, the driver walked away from the wreck, and the team was kind enough to donate their car as a substitute for the last-second-pardoned People's Curse winner. This is why LeMons racing requires those "overkill" roll cages and Snell SA2000 helmets.


And here's what it looked like from outside the car:

The Porsche 924-based Rooster Juice team would seem to be in good shape for Arse Freeze-A-Palooza acceptance, based on the video you're about to watch. Even though I'm not exactly the biggest Weezer fan in the world (to put it mildly), I had to watch this beautiful little film several times, just to catch all the jokes. Good work, Rooster Juice... and I suspect you've made enough of an impression on the shadowy Emeryville cabal that chooses the winning entries that we'll be seeing you at Thunderhill this November.


While you're here, might as well watch some footage from the Official Judge Murilee GrilleCam™, which the members of the Police Brutality MN12 Lincoln were kind enough to install in their extremely fast (though not particularly reliable) race car:


Here's some video from the S.O.B. VW Golf, a team we hammered with 128 penalty laps in spite of their donation of sombreros to keep the LeMons Supreme Court cool in the South Carolina sun.

We figure South Carolinians hadn't heard enough about Governor Mark Sanford's "Appalachian Trail Hike" disappearance to be with his Argentinean mistress, so we created the Cry For Me Argentina penalty with Gov. Sanford in mind. First, the team must mount a flagpole flying the flag of Argentina on the trunklid. Yes, the members of the Greyman Motor Club BMW 320i team are flying the flag upside down; we'll refer all outraged calls from the Argentinean Consulate right to them.

Then the miscreant driver had to write a long love letter to his Argentinean mistress on the car's roof. This dude seemed suspiciously skilled at writing letters to mistresses.

South Carolina was one of the states that more or less prohibited children from watching General Secretary Of The Communist Party Barack Obama's address to American schools, so we decided we'd do our duty as good gay-marriage-enforcing, tax-hiking, SUV-hating Californians by forcing miscreants to read Obama's speech. Because the secret socialist messages in the speech were hidden so effectively, LeMons Justice Lieberman mixed it up with lines from Trotsky, Lenin, Marx, and Stalin- you know, just in case folks didn't pick up on its call to revolutionary action. Judging by the "YOU LIE!" catcalls, we're pretty sure they got it.

So, the miscreant had to gather up all the children he or she could find; they'd serve as future guerilla fighters against the running-dog forces of counterrevolution. Here's a video of the Grayman Motor Club (which ran an E21 and and E30, both painted like Neapolitan ice cream bars and both frequent visitors to the Penalty Box) driver reading Great Helmsman Obama's call to arms:


While that was going on, we decorated the car in much the same manner as Obama plans to paint Air Force One. All hail Comrades Marx and Lenin! Oh, they hated this penalty in Kershaw!

New for LeMons South Fall was the Cone Of Shame penalty. The team currently running the highest black-flag count has to bolt the Black Cone Of Shame to the roof of their car. When another car surpasses their black flag total, we have the corner workers flag the car with the COS back in so they can hand it off to the new honoree.
The USS Enterprise Ford LTD looked especially good with the Cone Of Shame, which they so richly deserved after racking up seven black flags by Sunday afternoon. It brought back memories of the time the real USS Enterprise- which was ported in the Island That Time Forgot while I was growing up; its island was the tallest building in town- ran aground in San Francisco Bay. Badly done, guys!

Another new penalty was the West Virginia Homesteader. For this one, the miscreant's team must put the car up on four jack stands, then set up lawn furniture in front of the car and have high-calories snacks. This one inspired the telling a lot of good West Virginia jokes, most of which we can't repeat here.

The Fiat Of Tomorrow guys were very, very unhappy about getting the West Virginia Homesteader penalty; we wanted to find them a harmonica so they could play some mournful blues. Wouldn't you know, the Alfa Romeo Spider beat them by a half-lap!

We resurrected the Chronic Search, in which the miscreants have 30 seconds to hide their "dope stash" in the car and the judges have 30 seconds to find it, but we replaced the dime bag of oregano with a huge brick of lawn trimmings. These BMW pilots tried to hide the "reefer" in the glove box- clearly we're not dealing with guys who grew up driving Camaros and listening to Black Sabbath here- and ended up donning the orange vests and picking up trash.

Sometimes a team gets punished for something that doesn't even take place on the track! This gentleman had built himself a high-speed, kart-engined beer cooler and was roaring around the paddock at not-so-safe speeds. For that, we made him eat a can of pork brains, using king-sized chicharrones as a utensil, while the team's race car sat and waited. OK, here's a gallery for yez:


And here's another penalty video, courtesy of those Amazon-drivin' Tunachuckers:

The recipe is quite simple: start with one banged-up W124 sedan, then find a wretched early-70s 350SL that's been sitting in a field so long that trees are growing through the engine compartment and buy it for $150. Transplant the 3.5 liter SOHC V8 and 4-speed manual tranmission from the R107 into the W124, and you'd think that would have been enough. But no! These madmen decided that they needed to do a chop job on the roof- supposedly performed by a guy who had just learned to weld that week- and the car looks much better this way. Even with a fairly trashed suspension (which enabled the Son Of A Blitzen to get through the BS Inspection with zero penalty laps), the car was quite fast, running an excellent 1:04.958 best lap (the quickest car had a 1:02.123 best lap) and placing 15th overall.

Check out the exhaust tips in the rear door! Somebody needs to build one of these things for daily-driver use.

Yes, it's a 1975 BMW 530i done up in Jägermeister Gruppe 5 flares, orange paint, and antlers. Rusty Bolt Racing managed to beat out a pretty tough IOE field, including a Fiat 124 Spider, a Plymouth Acclaim, and a Chrysler Sebring; the car was quite slow, but it kept going around and around and only lost a single wheel flare over the course of the weekend.

I'm proud to say that I had a small role in this triumph; back when the team was still wondering what to do with their newly-obtained bright orange future LeMons car, they emailed me to ask if I thought a Dukes Of Hazzard theme would be a good idea. We've had a few variations on the General Lee in LeMons already (including a Chevy Nova and a Nissan Sentra), so I suggested they keep brainstorming. This fine race car is what they came up with. Good work, Rusty Bolt Racing!

The Organizer's Choice Award went to the Barfing Duck Saturn SL Batmobile. There's quite a story behind this car…

At the LeMons South Spring '09 race, Team Barfing Duck had such a lame theme- some sort of "Driver Ed" thing- that we forced them to Sawzall a spoiler out of their trunk lid. They didn't whine about it, but they also gave no hints about the awesomeness that was to come.

One of the team members let his son use the car for his college commute (betcha he was the only student on campus with a caged Saturn), and a little tree-cutting mishap ended up crushing it while parked. What to do now?

Simple! Just chop the top, add fins and some black paint, and you've got a fairly credible Batmobile. The weight savings helped on the track, too, with the Barfing Ducks nailing down an excellent 9th-place finish. Congratulations!

The much-sought-after Heroic Fix Award went to the anti-Obama-themed, Soviet-flag-bedecked Hong Norr CRX. I've done a few Civic engine swaps, so I know what a knuckle-shredding ordeal it can be; that's why it was so impressive that the Hong Norr guys went through four engines over the course of the weekend (they're CRX drag racers and brought a big stash of nitrous-thrashed engines with death rattles). In the photo above, we see the final engine going up in flames.

For Toyota, three Supras and two Corollas have taken an overall LeMons win, while last weekend's Mazda victor made it two RX-7s, two Miatas, and a Protege. After that, Honda/Acura and BMW have two wins apiece. The heat was a major factor, with brake failures and blown head gaskets aplenty, and five cars caught on fire over the weekend. We also saw the LeMons debut of several Detroit machines, including a Contour, a Sebring, and a Beretta; the Contour and Beretta died during the first half-hour, but the Sebring went on to place an astonishing 14th.
Thanks to Ron Vickers and many others for the photos!

1. White Lightning, Mazda RX-7
Overall Winner
Best lap: 1:03.001
2. Lightning McQueen, Volkswagen Jetta
Winner, Class Good
Best lap: 1:02.123
2 BS Penalty laps
3. The Revenge Of Molde Carlo, Chevrolet Monte Carlo
Winner, Class Bad
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank
Best lap: 1:04.814
4. Black Sheep Racing, Nissan 300ZX
Best lap: 1:03.801
5. Flying Purple People Eater, Mazda RX-7
Best lap: 1:06.981
6. The Pig Rig, Honda Accord
Best lap: 1:05.126
7. Dai Mondai I, Toyota Celica
Best lap: 1:04.528
8. Dai Mondai II, Toyota Corolla FX16
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology Award
Best lap: 1:05.433
9. Barfing Duck, Saturn SL1
Winner, Organizer's Choice
Best lap: 1:05.979
10. Super Troopers Racing, BMW 325i
Best lap: 1:07.535
11. Howard J Turkstra Motorsports, Toyota Celica
Best lap: 1:07.178
12. Skid Marks Racing, Dodge Neon
Best lap: 1:05.669
10 BS Penalty laps
13. SHOboat Racing, Ford Taurus SHO
Best lap: 1:04.163
14. Work Release Racing, Chrysler Sebring
Best lap: 1:05.244
15. Son Of A Blitzen, Mercedes-Benz 300E
Best lap: 1:04.958
16. Schumacher Taxi / 2 Less Than Half, Audi 80 Quattro
Best lap: 1:07.540
17. Team Red Rocket, Ford Escort GT
Best lap: 1:05.303
18. Rubber Biscuit Racing, Chevrolet Caprice
Best lap: 1:05.475
19. Malt Liquor Tech Racing, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:05.901
20. Government Motors Racing, Mazda 626
Best lap: 1:05.843
21. Mod Squad Racing, Toyota MR2
Best lap: 1:06.139
9 BS Penalty laps
22. Overqualified: Drivers, Nissan 240SX
Best lap: 1:05.668
23. Magnum PU, Honda Prelude
Best lap: 1:05.037
24. DOS Boot Racing, Volkswagen GTI
Best lap: 1:06.959
25. Grim Reaper Racing, Ford Mustang
Best lap: 1:05.185
26. Sweede Lil Pigs, Saab 900
Winner, Class Ugly
Best lap: 1:06.212
27. Euro Trash, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:05.061
28. TAJ Escort Service, Ford Escort GT
Best lap: 1:06.789
29. Lab Rats Motorsports, Dodge Colt E
Best lap: 1:05.873
30. Saturn Five, Saturn SC5
Best lap: 1:05.684
2 BS Penalty laps
31. Furman/Limestone Team, Nissan 200SX
Best lap: 1:09.177
32. RiverRat Racing, BMW 318i
Best lap: 1:12.527
33. Infidel Racing, Ford Mustang
Best lap: 1:10.128
34. Endurance Karting, Mazda Miata
Best lap: 1:04.679
1 BS Penalty lap
35. Team Lap Dance, Honda CRX
Best lap: 1:13.149
36. Overqualified: Crew, Nissan 240SX
Best lap: 1:06.007
37. What's That Smell Racing, Volkswagen GTI
Best lap: 1:07.917
38. Rush Hour Racing, Ford Crown Victoria
Best lap: 1:06.606
39. CMP 1, Ford Taurus SHO
Best lap: 1:05.371
40. Team Danger Ranger, Ford Ranger
Best lap: 1:07.848
41. Got Gots? Racing, Mazda RX-7
Best lap: 1:08.240
42. Porta Joh Racing, BMW E30
Best lap: 1:04.363
1 BS Penalty lap
43. Greyman Motor Club Women's Auxiliary, BMW 320i
Best lap: 1:08.178
44. Our Lady Of Perpetual Downforce, Honda Civic
Best lap: 1:08.304
45. Tunachuckers, Volvo Amazon
Best lap: 1:08.605
Winner, Highest-Placing 70s Or Older
46. USS Enterprise, Ford LTD
Best lap: 1:04.424
47. Dog Ciao Racing, Alfa Romeo Spider
Winner, I Got Screwed Award
Best lap: 1:07.878
48. Fiat Of Tomorrow Racing, Fiat 124 Spider
Best lap: 1:08.031
49. Eager Beavers Racing Team, Honda Prelude
Best lap: 1:05.460
50. Team Beaver Hunt Racing, Ford Pinto
Best lap: 1:07.845
51. Jacky Ickx GT 30, Dodge Stealth
Best lap: 1:04.442
52. Girls Of CMP, Mitsubishi Eclipse
Best lap: 1:07.000
53. Canada And Sons Racing, Nissan 300ZX
Best lap: 1:06.517
54. Rolling Chicane Racing, Honda Civic
Best lap: 1:06.967
55. Hammer's Heroes, BMW 320i
Best lap: 1:07.928
56. Monty Python's Flying CRX, Honda CRX
Best lap: 1:06.555
57. Team Fogbert, Acura Integra
Best lap: 1:07.604
58. Loose Tool Racing, Volkswagen Jetta
Best lap: 1:05.607
2 BS Penalty laps
59. Quattro Libre Racing, Audi 4000S
Best lap: 1:09.156
60. Subabros, Subaru SVX
Best lap: 1:04.040
61. BimmerForums.com, BMW E30
Best lap: 1:07.372
40 BS Penalty laps
62. BANG! BOOM! KAPOW! ZAP!!, Ford Probe
Best lap: 1:02.910
100 BS Penalty laps
63. Hong Norr, Honda CRX
Winner, Heroic Fix Award
Best lap: 1:03.450
64. Rusty Bolt Racing, BMW 530i
Winner, Index Of Effluency
Best lap: 1:10.752
65. Greyman Motor Club, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:06.347
66. Galactic Empire Racing, BMW 533
Best lap: 1:04.507
67. Beaver Liquors, Porsche 944
Best lap: 1:06.056
68. Domestic Violence, Ford Crown Victoria
Best lap: 1:06.639
69. Dawghouse Racing, Honda Prelude
Best lap: 1:06.128
70. Team PLN, Toyota Celica
Best lap: 1:08.356
71. Torquin' & Porkin', Toyota Supra
Best lap: 1:04.766
72. POS Racing, Honda Civic
Best lap: 1:07.223
73. Days Of Blunder Racing, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:08.489
74. Team SOB (South Of The Border), Volkswagen Golf
128 BS Penalty laps
Best lap: 1:06.913
75. Theoretical Racing, Datsun 280ZX
Best lap: 1:07.076
76. BMWTF!?!, BMW L6
Best lap: 1:05.225
77. Amaxophobe Racing, Pontiac Fiero
9 BS Penalty laps
Best lap: 1:09.908
78. Thinking With Our Diptsicks, Audi 100
Best lap: 1:06.823
79. JP Smith Builders (how come I'm the only one trying to write this off?), Ford Crown Victoria
Best lap: 1:08.192
80. NEZ Racing Technologies, Nissan 300ZX
Best lap: 1:08.454
81. Redneck Racin, Datsun 200SX
Best lap: 1:06.388
20 BS Penalty laps
82. Team Saab Story, Nissan 300ZX
Best lap: 1:07.275
83. CSI: Crime Scene Instigators, Acura Integra
Best lap: 1:06.178
84. American Aggression Racing, Honda CRX
Best lap: 1:06.875
4 BS Penalty laps
85. Henry Ford's Revenge, Ford Escort
Best lap: 1:08.315
86. Team Drinking And Driving, Honda Civic
Best lap: 1:05.773
87. German Garden Gnomes, Acura Integra
Best lap: 1:07.023
5 BS Penalty laps
88. Rusty Hood Racing, Ford Ranger
Best lap: 1:15.066
89. Miller Lite, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:08.914
15 BS Penalty laps
90. Dorifto Dogs, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:06.080
5 BS Penalty laps
91. Tip Of The Spear Racing, Mazda RX-7
Best lap: 1:08.320
2 BS Penalty laps
92. Police Brutality, Lincoln Continental Mark VIII
Best lap: 1:02.675
93. Team Phoenix, Porsche 944
Best lap: 1:06.566
94. Skool Boyz Racezing, Datsun 280Z
Best lap: 1:07.477
95. Dynocologists, Honda CRX
Best lap: 1:10.734
20 BS Penalty laps
96. Meaty Balls Racing, Honda Civic
Best lap: 1:12.157
97. Integrenaders, Acura Integra
Best lap: 1:07.159
98. Kharma Bomb Racing, Dodge Neon
Best lap: 1:06.439
99. Uranus, Dodge Daytona
Best lap: 1:05.852
100. rbankracing.com, Saab 900 Turbo
Best lap: 1:05.317
101. Flying Hawaiians, Porsche 944
Best lap: 1:07.102
102. Team Please Start Racing, Plymouth Acclaim
Best lap: 1:14.098
103. Beertech Racing The B Team, BMW E30
Best lap: 1:05.588
104. RacingNemo, BMW 325e
Best lap: 1:04.819
105. Team Fustercluck, Ford Mustang
Best lap: 1:14.078
106. Torqueless Rotards, Mazda RX-7
Best lap: 1:12.871
107. Schumacher Taxi CoROLLa, Toyota Corolla FX16
Best lap: 1:08.974
108. The Mint Milano, Alfa Romeo Milano
Best lap: 1:08.269
109. Lucky Racing, Mitsubishi Eclipse
Best lap: 1:14.466
110. Team SubarJew, Subaru Legacy
Best lap: 1:08.859
111. Bimmer Boys, BMW E30
Best lap: 1:08.714
13,500 BS Penalty laps
112. Scuderia Beretta Vendetta, Chevrolet Beretta
Best lap: 1:09.160
113. All American disgRacers, Ford Contour
Best lap: 1:15.520

Yes, the White Lightning Mazda RX-7 took the overall win by two laps over the Lightning McQueen Volkswagen Jetta, just hours after being spared the People's Curse. We're busy packing up the LeMons circus right now, but I'll try to get some more posts done once things calm down. Congratulations, White Lightning!

Not only that, the second-place Lightning McQueen Jetta got the second-most Curse votes. Now, the People's Curse really is a democracy, so the Mazda was going to get destroyed... unless the people could be persuaded to issue a pardon to the super-clean-driving, not-very-cheaty (and perhaps even totally legit) RX-7.

So, LeMons Chief Perp Jay Lamm appealed to the crowd for mercy on the wrongly accused White Lightning car, and the thumbs-up votes overwhelmed the highly vocal thumbs-down faction. Of course, some car needs to get crushed, and we had three volunteers: the Torqueless Rotards RX-7 (which flipped over yesterday), a head-gasket-challenged BMW E30, and a bedless Ford Ranger.

So White Lightning is back out on the track, and the Lightning McQueen Jetta is a couple laps back. When will the VW make its move? Will the Molde Carlo Chevy get past both? We'll find out!

The Tunachuckers were up late fixing their toasted engine compartment (thankfully, they brought many spare parts), and after a full rewiring job, carburetor repair, and a lucky brake hose find (the fire started when a brake hose burst and sprayed the exhaust manifold), they're back out there. Meanwhile, the Milano team spent all day and all night getting their engine back together- not bad by Alfa standards- and they're now roaring around the track. Things are about to get very, very hectic in the penalty box, so I need to go dispense some justice; check in this afternoon for possible updates.

That's right, the Molde Carlo, which spent most of the last race in a billion pieces in the pits (various brake, transmission, and engine ailments), has been quietly racking up laps and avoiding penalties, and it now sits just 8 laps behind the leader. If that's not surprise enough for you, check out the Black Sheep Racing Nissan 300ZX, which has stayed alive long after almost all the other Zs have blown up and/or crashed and will start the day tomorrow in fifth place. Remember, out of the dozens of Zs that have raced in LeMons, the most successful placed 8th overall (and, yes, this is one of the two Nissan Zs that have placed 8th).

2nd place: Lightning McQueen, Volkswagen Jetta


3rd place: Molde Carlo, Chevrolet Monte Carlo


4th place: Flying Purple People Eater, Mazda RX-7


5th place: Black Sheep Racing, Nissan 300ZX

Here's a shot of their driver, moments after escaping his burning car at the side of the racetrack. BumperCam 2.0 (aka C PillarCam) captured plenty more good shots as well, so check back later for highlights.

That engine compartment looks pretty bad, but the Tunachuckers say they have all the parts they need to get the car back on the track tomorrow. In fact, they're already tearing it apart as I write this. Go, Tunachuckers!

Yes, the White Lightning Sawzall-convertible 1986 Mazda RX-7 (that's a photograph from the LeMons South Spring '09 race, since I haven't had time to shoot many photos today) is the current race leader. The team captain owns a rotary Mazda shop, and we've always been real suspicious of this car... but it's either totally legit or we're dealing with a South Carolinian Smokey Yunick here. Probably the latter, but ya never know, ya know?

The Torqueless Rotards RX-7 was doing pretty well... until it became a three-wheeler. The driver was fine, thanks to the magic of roll cage bars and seat harnesses, but the car is pretty much through. The driver thought that another car must have hit him, since the impact was so hard and unexpected, but the in-car video camera on the Our Lady Of Perpetual Downforce Civic let Chief Perp Lamm know that he'd need to invoke the "Why Am I On My Roof" penalty this time.

The car looked pretty fast on the track, but the huge clouds of white smoke pouring out the tailpipe seemed like a bad sign. They had some gaskets overnighted from Virginia, and even as the cars race (the green flag just dropped about 20 minutes ago ago), the team continues to work on their engine. We hope to see this fine Italian machine duking it out with its Fiat 124 Spider rival within the next hour or two!

Just go here to tune in. The LeMons Supreme Court and its extremely fair penalties should get some coverage, but for the most part you'll be watching $500 race cars drop bumpers and throw rods roar around the track.

Why, even E30 pilots were eager to have the new Noch Ein Scheiß-E30 ("Yet Another Shitty E30") stencil applied to their rides. Not only that, Walker has printed up a bunch of T-shirts bearing an even better version of the new design... and you can't buy one! Only those at Carolina Motorsports Park in person tomorrow will have a shot at the Next Big Thing in racerwear.

Sure enough, we handed out penalties galore. This time, we decided to start checking differentials on all the "$500 325e" cars, since BMW never installed limited-slip rears on the e version of the E30. Turns out that five different teams managed to buy a 325e that just happened to come already equipped with the LSD out of the 325iS. What are the odds? Nobody thought to claim they'd just welded the differential, for some reason. The result: penalty laps!

We've also started to get sick of certain themes. We'd seen a couple of cars sporting the Der Truffeljäger von Zuffenhausen aka "Pink Pig" paint job used on the famous Le Mans Porsche 917/20 in the past, but this time three teams showed up with Pink Pig paint jobs. We're also tired of military-aircraft themes, poop themes, and cop themes.

Since this is South Carolina, we were inspired by Congressman Joe Wilson to yell "YOU LIE!" at anyone who claimed their car had zero cheats. Surprisingly effective!

That's it for tonight- come back tomorrow and I'll try to do a few live updates. The TrackGeeks folks should have some live streaming video going once the green flag drops, so check that out. Tomorrow night I'll post the Day One standings.

We've got two Fiat 124s showing up, in order to do battle with the two Alfa Romeo Milanos, so there ought to be an all-Italian race-within-a-race going on. I'll be performing my judgely duties in style, thanks to the Roadmaster Mobile Justice Unit, and I'll do my best to keep the live updates coming. Let's hope I don't get a case of the Jake Leg from that moonshine!
As for the special Mark Sanford penalty, it involves the flag of Argentina and a love letter. Need we say more?
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