This collection is getting out of control fast, and with at least 21 races next year my rate of T-shirt acquisition is going to accelerate to an alarming level. When I admire the designs of the better shirts, however, the burden of being the caretaker of the LeMons T-Shirt Museum seems totally worthwhile. Let's check 'em out, starting off with the fine shirt created by BMW 2002-driving Team JDL. Note: when a shirt includes designs on front and back, I've included photographs of both sides.

Update: Team Jewish Defense League BMW has shirts for sale on Zazzle!

Click on the thumbnails below to see the rest of the Über Gallery.

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Click on the thumbnails below to see the rest of the Über Gallery.

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Click on the thumbnails below to see the rest of the Über Gallery.

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Click on the thumbnails below to see the rest of the Über Gallery.

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Click on the thumbnails below to see the rest of the Über Gallery.

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Speaking of the Lancia Scorpion, when is someone going to enter one in a LeMons race? What's it gonna take to get this fine race car out there, going toe-to-toe with the E30s and Miatas? OK, you know the drill: click on one of the thumbnails below to jump to one of the five Über Gallery sections.
Thanks to Nick Pon, Blake Rong, Jim Brennan, Terry Shea, WTIC Fox 61, Andy Wallwhore, Ron Vickers, and The Knights Who Say Ni-ssan for the photos!

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5

Need more citrus-flavored Über-ness? Check out the Laissez Les Crapheaps Roulez LeMons Über Gallery, Goin' For Broken LeMons Über Gallery, the LeMons South Spring '09 Über Gallery, the Gator-O-Rama LeMons '09 Über Gallery, the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza LeMons '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Yeehaw It's Texas '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Detroit-ish '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons New England '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons South '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons San Francisco '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Arse Freeze-A-Palooza '07 Über Gallery, and the LeMons San Francisco '07 Über Gallery.

In fact, the only Top Ten cars not made by Honda, Alfa Romeo, or Volvo were a Nissan 240SX and a Lincoln Continental Mark VIII (in 6th and 10th place, respectively). We saw some great themes and costumes at this race, too, as you can tell by looking at the above photo of the Victors Of War team, a Golf-racing bunch of New Jersey mooks. We also saw an extremely tough Index Of Effluency field, including a Saab 99, a Datsun 510, a '63 Corvair, a Peugeot 504, and a Chevy Citation X-11.

Chief Perpetrator Lamm, his flinty cold heart apparently slightly softer than usual for some reason, allowed the Citation X-11 team to substitute their Corolla- which we last saw upside-down at LeMons South- for the Chevy, which blew its engine during the transponder testing laps (it actually gets worse than that; we've seen LeMons racers blow up getting off the trailer in the past). After that, the Endurance Karting Miata team- you may remember them as the winners of the New England '08 race- was permitted to substitute another so-called $500 Miata after their engine started spitting valves out the tailpipe.

Here they are, every single car that managed to limp through at least a single lap at the 24 Hours Of LeMons New England 2009. Thanks to Nick Pon, Blake Rong, Jim Brennan, Terry Shea, WTIC Fox 61, Andy Wallwhore, Ron Vickers, and The Knights Who Say Ni-ssan for the photos!

#1: Kielbasa Kids, Honda Civic
Overall Winner
Best Lap: 31.011

#2: Scuderia Limoni, Alfa Romeo Milano
Winner, Class 2
Best Lap: 33.629

#3: Scuderia Testa di Spillo, Alfa Romeo Milano
Winner, Arbitrary Recipient Of A Bag Of Milano Cookies
Best Lap: 32.925

#4: Team Pro-Crash-Duh-Nation, Alfa Romeo Milano
Best Lap: 31.699

#5: Vermont Cow Tippers, Volvo 245
Best Lap: 33.165

#6: The Crazy Swiss & Crazy Chick, Nissan 240SX
Winner, Class 1
Best Lap: 34.307

#7: Keystone Kops, Volvo 244
Best Lap: 33.094

#8: Rhinoceros Racing Team, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 32.658

#9: Team Submarine, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 32.643

#10: Police Brutality, Lincoln Mark VIII
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank
Best Lap: 33.854

#11: Team Teflon, Saturn SL2
Best Lap: 33.212

#12: Near-Orbital Space Monkeys, BMW 528e
Best Lap: 33.001

#13: Vlad The Impala, Chevrolet Impala
Best Lap: 32.868

#14: The Dirty E-Thirties, BMW E30
Best Lap: 34.262

#15: Nutjob Racing, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 32.899

#16: Duct Tape Motorsports, BMW E30
Best Lap: 31.505

#17: Hertzwen I.P. Racing, Volkswagen Jetta
Best Lap: 34.441

#18: Jackal And Hyde, Volvo 245
Best Lap: 33.702

#19: Boxy But Good, Volvo 740 Turbo
Best Lap: 33.992

#20: Buffalo Knuckles, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 31.724

#21: Camry Full O'Babes, Toyota Camry
Best Lap: 34.736

#22: Team Elemonators, Toyota Camry
Best Lap: 33.951

#23: Team UDMan/Trailing Throttle Oversteer, Chevrolet Corvair
Winner, Index Of Effluency + Class 3
Best Lap: 36.602

#24: Adopted By Jets, Saab 99
Winner, Grassroots Motorsports Most From The Least Award
Best Lap: 32.382

#25: The Ducks Of Hazzard, BMW 325iS
Best Lap: 32.225

#26: Team WWF, Datsun 510
Best Lap: 31.747

#27: Victors Of War, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 33.175

#28: Call On Your Mom, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 31.348

#29: The Knights Who Say Ni-ssan
Best Lap: 33.730

#30: NFW, Honda Accord
Best Lap: 33.582

#31: Got Wood Racing, Nissan Sentra
Best Lap: 32.531

#32: No Budget Racing, Pontiac Firebird
Best Lap: 33.279

#33: Chard Beef Racing, Buick Regal
Winner, Organizer's Choice Award
Best Lap: 32.343

#34: Cap'n Slow Racing, BMW 535i
Best Lap: 33.721

#35: Schumacher Taxi/Holy Crapitation, Chevrolet Citation X-11/Toyota Corolla FX16 (First car blew up, substitution allowed)
Best Lap: 32.822

#36: Dentonators, Volkswagen Golf
Winner, I Got Screwed Award + Whiny-Ass Crybaby Award (to team captain Yannis)
Best Lap: 31.637

#37: Endurance Karting/Just Having Fun, Mazda Miata (First car blew up, substitution allowed)
Best Lap: 31.416

#38: Monger Garage, Subaru Impreza Wagon
Best Lap: 33.183

#39: Team Farfumwinnin, Volkswagen Fox
Best Lap: 32.484

#40: PT Losers, PT Cruiser
Winner, Terrible Driving Even By Boston Standards Award
Best Lap: 33.504

#41: Sikorsky Hawks, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 33.887

#42: Jake & Elwood Racing, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 35.605

#43: The E-Lemon-Ators, Mercury Cougar
Best Lap: 34.160

#44: Rust In The Wind, Nissan 300ZX
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology Award (for leaf-blower supercharger)
Best Lap: 34.659

#45: Pimpala, Chevrolet Impala
Best Lap: 33.278

#46: Crumpled Rusted And Pathetic, Plymouth Laser
Best Lap: 34.649

#47: The Pride Of Stig (The P.O.S.), Nissan Sentra Wagon
Best Lap: 35.322

#48: We Buy Subprime, Subaru Outback
Best Lap: 32.586

#49: Cornell Ass Wheels, Saab 900
Best Lap: 34.794

#50: The B-Team, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 34.063

#51: Go Green Racing, Honda CRX
Winner, Most Heroic Fix Award
Best Lap: 33.904

#52: Team Panzers, Audi 4000 Quattro
Best Lap: 34.244

#53: Elmo's Revenge, Saturn SL2
Best Lap: 34.859

#54: Safari Taxi Co., Peugeot 504
Best Lap: 36.591

#55: Team Recession Racing, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 34.574

#56: Wee Beastie Racing, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 34.742

 

When you're done here, check out UDMan's account of his Corvair-racing adventures over at CarDomain. Above is the story the folks at Fox 61 in Hartford did on the race; click on the links below to see the top cars of previous races.

By all accounts, it was the most exciting Index Of Effluency battle in LeMons history. The Corvair proved so reliable that Toyota teams were feeling envious- yeah, we sure as hell didn't expect that from the oldest car ever to run in LeMons- but its lap times were on the slow side and its funky handling characteristics resulted in frequent visits to the Penalty Box. In the end, however, the much faster Saab just couldn't stay in one piece for long, and the trophy that LeMons insiders consider to be the most prestigious goes to the team captained by our own UDMan. Well done, Team Trailing Throttle Oversteer, and may this serve as an inspiration for future LeMons teams trying to decide on the right car!
Image source: Ron Vickers, SmokeyBurnout

Since an Integra has won in the past, a Honda victory isn't a particularly earth-shattering bit of news, but still quite an accomplishment. Not only did the Kielbasa Kids take the win, they did it by a massive 72-lap edge over the #2 car. Just goes to show that you don't need 300 (or even 100) horsepower to win this race! And, hey, would you believe that Alfa Romeo Milanos nailed down second, third, and fourth place? We'll have more photos for you later, as exhausted racers and officials get around to sending me their shots.
Image source: Ron Vickers

If you care, the Kielbasa Kids Honda Civic is still the lap-count leader, with the three Alfa Milanos ready to pounce if and when that fragile Honda head gasket lets go… but in the real battle, the 1971 Saab 99 refuses to cede the Index Of Effluency trophy (given to the team that accomplishes the most with the most hopeless vehicle) to UDMan's 1963 Chevrolet Corvair.

The Corvair has had zero mechanical problems, but by all accounts the handling has been on the scary side and the little air-cooled Chevy has been a regular defendant at the LeMons Supreme Court. The Saab… well, it breaks a lot, but it's actually getting around the track quite smartly during its periods of functionality.

Meanwhile, the Team WWF Datsun 510 has emerged as a possible longshot IOE candidate. Yes, we know, the 510 is actually a pretty good car and wouldn't normally be in the running for Effluency honors, but this one is so incredibly rusty that even native New Englanders are shocked that it didn't break into thousands of tiny pieces in its first 30 seconds on the track. While all this has been going on, the Chard Beef Buick Regal is now on its third junkyard engine of the weekend, and it's a testimonial to the massive and widespread mechanical carnage at this race that it's still in 40th place.


Here's a bit of race video for you.
Photo sources: Ron Vickers, Christine The Arc Angel, SmokeyBurnout

According to LeMons Perpetrator Nick Pon, the Pimpala spent five hours in the penalty box yesterday, due to "terrible" driving. When it came time for People's Curse ballots, the only question was whether or not the Pimpala would split the vote with fellow Impala Vlad The Impala and hand the Curse off to some non-Impala… but most of the other racers had sufficiently vivid memories of being pushed around by the Pimpmobile that it ended up being no contest.

We don't have any photos of the actual destruction yet (check in later), but here's how it worked: each team was allowed to choose one representative, no doubt selected on the basis of physical strength and/or width of mean streak, and one Implement Of Destruction (technically, the IOD was supposed to be a tool of some sort, but many interpreted this to include such "tools" as baseball bats and 6-foot lengths of steel pipe). Each team rep would be allowed five minutes with the Curse winner, to do his or her worst… and, by all accounts, the destruction was quite thorough.

Some chose to simply beat the crap out of the car's body, no doubt while howling imprecations at the Angry Racing Gods, et cetera, but others went apeshit with wire cutters and completely destroyed the wiring harness. Here we see the Pimpala team attempting to get the car back into raceworthy condition. Good luck with the wiring, guys!

Of course, when you've got 55 destruction-maddened racers going at the car for five minutes apiece, a few of them are going to play bumper-jack drum solos on the engine itself, with unpleasant- and way difficult to fix- results on the valvetrain and intake manifold. Still, Team Pimpala isn't giving up!


Photo credits: Ron Vickers, Andy Wallwhore, Fox 61, Christine The Arc Angel

Is it possible that an Italian car might win the 24 Hours Of LeMons? Hell yes! An Alfetta nearly won the Goin' For Broken LeMons in Reno a couple months back, and the three Alfas currently running in second, third, and fifth places finished third, fifth, and sixth, respectively, in the 2008 New England LeMons.
How about a Volvo winning the race? It's never happened before, though we've seen quite a few Swedes in quasi-serious contention in the past. But the Swedes and Italians will need to get past the Kielbasa Kids' early-90s Civic sedan- you may recall that the Kielbasas finished second at the last New England race- and that looks to be quite a challenge. Here's the standings list at the end of Day One:

1. Kielbasa Kids, Honda Civic
2. Scuderia Limoni, Alfa Romeo Milano
3. Scuderia Testa di Spillo, Alfa Romeo Milano
4. Vermont Cow Tippers, Volvo 240 wagon
5. Team Pro-Crash-Duh-Nation, Alfa Romeo Milano
6. Team Submarine, Honda Civic
7. Keystone Kops, Volvo 240 sedan
8. The Crazy Swiss & Crazy Chic, Nissan 240SX
9. Rhinoceros Racing Team, Honda Civic
10. Police Brutality, Lincoln Continental Mark VIII

Meanwhile, the Index Of Effluency contenders appear to have been narrowed down to a mere two cars: UDMan's Team Trailing Throttle Oversteer '63 Chevy Corvair, which finished the day in 22nd place, versus the Adopted From Jets '71 Saab 99, 36th place.
Of the other contenders, the '74 Monaco tragically became a Ford Escort by race day, the Chard Beef Buick Regal (last year's New England IOE winner, pictured above) has suffered from a universe of mechanical woes (40th place), and the Safari Taxi Co. Peugeot 504 and Craptation Chevy Citation X-11 are out of it for the weekend (nuked engine for the Citation, massive systemic failure of all components- except, apparently, the ashtray- on the Peugeot). We've got BZR shooting photos for us, so check in later for a gallery of some sort.

So far, the glass appears to be bone dry and covered with leeches half full, as the ABJ team performs what appears to be major surgery on the rear suspension and/or axle and/or fuel tank. But plenty of racing remains, so we expect to see this fine example of Swedish steel dropping components on roaring around the track soon.

Thanks to Christine The Arc Angel for the great photos!

That's a photo from last year's New England race, in which the Kielbasa Kids came in a strong second place; as long as that head gasket holds out- always a big question mark with Honda products in LeMons events- they ought to be the team to beat.

But there's plenty of racing left; they'll be at it until 10:00 PM tonight, and the Buffalo Knuckles '86 Supra is already breathing down that Civic's neck. In third place is the Scuderia Limoni Alfa Romeo Milano (which finished third in '08), and the fifth-in-'08 Scuderia Testa di Spillo Milano is right behind it in fourth. The fifth-place Volvo 240 wagon run by Team Vermont Cow Tippers is no doubt making the Italians quite nervous- we're all familiar with the storied white-hot drama of world-class 240-versus-Milano competition- and there's just no telling what might happen next!

We can tell you what will happen next with the Index Of Effluency contenders, however. The Adopted By Jets '71 Saab 99 blew up early and often, and now sits in 49th place (out of 55), while its team tries to duct-tape it back into running condition; that's better than the Safari Taxi Peugeot 504, which has managed to climb to 50th place between lengthy wrenching sessions. The Craptation Chevy Citation X-11, which Assistant Perp Nick Pon describes as "hands down, one of the most horrible cars in LeMons history," clanked off the track with the driver unable to see past the clouds of toxic smoke pouring from the dash- didn't GM have a Citation recall over that issue, back in the day?- but the team is totally contending for the IOE with an intimidating 44th place. The Trailing Throttle Oversteer '63 Corvair has paid some visits to the Penalty Box, thanks to its Ralph Nader-enraging handling quirks, but has remained in good mechanical shape: 32nd place!

According to LeMons Assistant Perpetrator Nick Pon, the Peugeot 504 sputtered to a halt and had to be pushed off the track two laps into transponder testing (which takes place at about 30 MPH, so you know that the weekend will be full of excitement for the Peugeot team if they can get the car out there during, like, real racing). The Team Craptation Chevy Citation X-11 lived up to all the advance billing and crapped out minutes later. The eagerly anticipated first-ever LeMons Datsun 510 fried its alternator and had to limp off the track, according to tweets from Team Knights Who Say Ni-ssan… whose 200SX has already lost an idler pulley. Not only that, the Team Crumpled Rusted And Pathetic Plymouth Laser just shed a wheel on the track, with unpleasant results.

On the positive side, UDMan's '63 Corvair hasn't missed a beat, continuing to rack up lap after lap. It's too early for Team Trailing Throttle Oversteer to start measuring garage shelf space for the Index Of Effluency trophy, but things are looking good for them so far. We'll be passing along photos and updates as they come in from Connecticut, so check in later!

Some said that even trashed 510s are too expensive, and others protested that LeMons was not worthy of the Bluebird's sacred steel… but next weekend we'll see a genuine 510 take to the track and battle for Nissan pride! Keep in mind that no Nissan product has ever placed higher than fifth in a LeMons race, so plenty will be riding on the somewhat rusty shoulders of the Team WWF '72 Datsun 510. Will it totally dominate? Here's what the team spokesman has to say:

Here are some before photos... The rust is oddly not everywhere... It is however extreme in the places that it does exist... We can actually reach through the center hump and grab the driveshaft...no spare tire hold... completely rusted out...

The car was a "hillclimb/solo 2" car in its past life and has some modifications to that effect...
I acquired it in December of 2006 with the intention to strip it of any usable parts... The main reason I took it was the 13x7 (not so easy to find) American Libre Wheels in great condition... with center caps!!!

Previous to my picking it up, it sat in the weeds with 4 flats and the belly resting directly on the dirt...It sat for about 12 years according to the person that was "keeping" it for a friend that moved to France...The friend ended up passing away there and the car just lay rotting away for years...

If it wasn't for the Lemons series... The car would have been done for, stripped and the remainder trashed...I think it is cool to be able to bring a one time competitor back to life for one more shot at glory...

With the exception of one of our drivers, we are a group of 50/60 something drivers four of whom competed against each othermore than 20 years ago in the northeastern US. Four of us are still active and two of us raced 510s.

Sponsored by SayNeverQuit.com, an "inspirational clothing company" we are "never quitting" and giving it one more shot with a "SayNeverQuit" Datsun 510. We will be doing our best to try to bring some glory to our favorite car... The Datsun 510...

At this point, all our European readers are no doubt sputtering "You ignorant American fools! The Peugeot 504, she is bulletproof!" Maybe so- hell, they made the things in Nigeria until just a couple years ago- and maybe my own painful experience as a 504 owner was just a bad dream. But, see, the Safari Taxi Company's Peugeot has the not-so-bulletproof PRV V6 under its hood (unless the team has found the time and budgetary room to mate a supercharged GM 3800 V6 to the Pug's torque-tube driveshaft), and that means these guys are already LeMons Legends!

You can head on over to WebRidesTV for LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman's complete team list now, and there you will learn that the track at Stafford will be graced by some pretty impressive machinery. If the 200-proof effluent combo of the Corvair, the X-11 Citation, and the Peugeot 504 just isn't enough for you, take note of the first-ever LeMons Datsun 510 (more on that later), the three Alfa Romeo Milanos, and the 1974 Dodge Monaco.
We'll have a poll to see which car you think has the best shot at the IOE, and of course we'll have our usual You Guess The Effluent Laps contest. This time, just state the total number of laps you think the Corvair, the Citation, and the 504 will finish, combined. Last year, the winner racked up 1,151 laps, so you can use that as a (very optimistic) baseline when making your guesses. The contest winner will be sent a box of obsolete LeMons T-shirts from 2006 that nobody will buy at the races top-quality LeMons gear, courtesy of 24 Hours Of LeMons HQ.

Yes, the X-11 is right up there with the Renault Fuego Turbo, the Lancia Scorpion, and the Humber Sceptre when it comes to 200-proof 24 Hours Of LeMons awesomeness: the "high-performance" version of what may well be the worst platform General Motors ever manufactured (cue the hate mail from enraged Pontiac Phoenix owners).



For '84, the Citation X-11 had functional cowl induction and 135 horses from its 2.8 liter V6, and it featured a better axle ratio and stiffer suspension than the base Citation. An X-11 should actually be pretty quick on the race track, if the performance of the closely related Cavalier wagon is any guide. You see, consumer-alienating stuff like 3/4" body panel gaps, overnight corrosion, window cranks that come off in your hand, etc., don't matter on a race car, so the X-11 will finally be in its element!

The last time we saw this team, things didn't go so well for their Corolla FX16. That car has been fixed by now, but the Schumacher Taxi Service will become Team Craptation for the 24 Hours Of LeMons New England race next month.

Equipped with active aerodynamic devices (toilet seats on the trunk lid) and the number 2, the Craptation will be out there waving the Chevrolet flag, right next to UDMan's '63 Corvair sedan. Do any other teams even have a shot at the Index Of Effluency? We'll see!

Here's what Craptation captain Jerry has to say about his team's race car:

The car: a daily driver last state inspected in 2006, this beast sat in a neighbor's front yard for sale for a few weeks. Each time I drove by, I wondered about it. it was so damned ugly no one would WANT it, especially not for street use. So I inquired, and it was all there—-V6, four speed, it started—-intermittently. I lowballed the guy with a $300 offer and he took it instantly. Guess I overpaid. Here's what it looked like then:
So we auotcrossed the car in November. On it's maidenm voyage, it was clear something was amiss with the suspension, but worse still, Rob, a Schumacher teammate, rode with and was upended when the passenger seat decided to break loose from the floor. Amid his laughter, all I could say to him after the run was "You broke my seat!"
The shock change and cutting of the springs helped a little , but it still has this incredible rear suspension setup.
The heater core came out with a BFH, but left this gigantic 18 inch hole in the firewall. Not to worry, we had a 1964 Rover door ready to give its life. So it was cut up and screwed in.
And the smog pump left the bay as well. It left a tube feeding into the exhaust which we quickly filled with a tree branch. Seemed to fit and it was free!
Now to solve why it's running so poorly. We pulled a plug wire and found wet plugs. hmmm. After some serious head scratching, we siphoned this out of the gas tank! In total we had over a gallon of water in there! ugh.
We raced the car again, and what a crowd gathered! This is a sexy beast! It still handles like crap, only now each time you unspring a side and then reload it, the spring makes a gawd awful BANG! Perfect for LeMons racing!
Theme. Why not run with the Craptation theme! We got number 2, and we are in process of adding the rolling portapottie features. The spare tire well makes an excellent reservoir for waste. Rob and I are demonstrating.
We still have work to do, on the beast. We've campaigned a number of cars in LeMons racing, but this was a new direction for us. We KNOW this car embodies the spirit of LeMons racing. A poor, orphaned American crapbox with no other possibilities of leading a useful life. We can't wait to bring it to Stafford.

There's been a huge shitstorm of controversy about the Black Widow Crisis on the 24 Hours Of LeMons forums, complete with conspiracy theories (in which yours truly is alleged to have been one of the Black Helicopter pilots involved in the cover-up) and attempts to make the rabble see reason. Of course, the People's Curse is here to stay- it's just too damn much fun- but we're definitely due for a history lesson here. After that, you can take the How Cursed Is My LeMons Car quiz and determine your Curse-O-Meter™ reading.