Just picture it: you head into the friendly blue-and-yellow warehouse store, shopping for a race car. Do you go for the Röttrï RX-7, or maybe the Chëëtüß E30? No, you want the Ford V8 in an intensely Swedish Volvo 240! Grab the flat-pack of the Swäpt V8olvo and put it on your heavy-duty shopping cart! I'll be wearing my Swäpt T-shirt with great pride.

Of course, had the Chief Perp and his minions applied negative points for BMWs that finished in the damn cellar (and counted Acuras as Hondas), the Constructor Championship would have gone to Honda… but it's not my place, as a lowly member of the LeMons Supreme Court, to quibble over decisions made against my strenuous objections; I must admit, however, that my refusal to help with the math involved with that idea helped torpedo Honda's chances, anyway. The good news: the team champion drove a General Motors product. USA! USA! USA!

Let's read what those ne'er-do-wells in Emeryville had to say about the 2009 24 Hours Of LeMons season champions, as we lift the text from the official press release:

It's finally here—the day you've all been waiting for. (You know, besides the day when daily beef jerky home delivery becomes a reality.)

Contrary to outward appearances, we've been paying attention this LeMons season, and have five prestigious awards based on the annual accomplishments of the manufacturers, teams, and drivers that make LeMons into the biggest freakshow in motorsports. So, without further ado....

2009 CONSTRUCTOR CHAMPION: BMW
Much to the chagrin of the judges, the relentless stream of LeMons E30s actually paid off in the end. Though plenty of Bimmers performed embarrassingly badly in '09 LeMons events, enough scored top-ten finishes to snatch the crown from 2008 champ Mazda. OK, E30 dudes, you've proved your point—now go get a Fiat and prove you can do it the hard way.

2009 DECONSTRUCTOR CHAMPION: FORD
The Deconstructor Champion is not necessarily the marque that is the most terrible. Rather, it's the brand that is the most spectacularly terrible. While we did have a Mustang win a LeMons race in '09, that feat was more than offset by the typical SHO pit, which always looks like ground zero of a Taurus jihad.

2009 TEAM CHAMPION: THE CALI CAJUNS
Living up to their name, the Cali Cajuns built two cars for west coast and southern events, and scored five top-ten (including four top-five) finishes in the six races they entered. The one hiccup? When they stuttered to 65th place at Goin' For Broken in Reno, driving a lousy Honda Prelude instead of their tried-and-true Saturn SC2.

2009 DRIVER CHAMPIONS: JEFF GRANBERRY AND SCOTT MCLEOD
Though the Cali Cajuns lost some cool points by punting the LeMons Event Manager mid-corner at the Arse-Freeze-Apalooza, we were too lazy to re-think the awards. Plus, these two freaks contributed to all five of those top-ten finishes—no one else even comes close.

2009 24 HOURS OF LEMONS COPPA di BONDO: RUBBER BISCUIT RACING
The Coppa di Bondo is awarded to the team that whinelessly plugs away, race after race, despite incessant mechanical tragedy. After adding a horrible VW Rabbit to their existing (and equally ghastly) Honda CRX, the Texas-based Team Blue Goose was certainly in the running. But after promising us hot girl bartenders from the team captain's restaurant and failing to deliver race after race, we passed the honors on to the Caprice-exploding Rubber Biscuit racing. Spotted at LeMons races from Toledo to Texas, the Biscuits always bring a smile, a little southern applejack, and a Chevy that's guaranteed to launch its con-rods into orbit. Never mind the fact that they could easily finish if they just bolted in a stock smallblock instead of trying to cheat with some guy's backyard "race motor"—these guys simply get it.

We've got to hand it to the California teams- for every team full of whiners who don't grasp that we don't give a rat's ass how the SCCA does things (California being the epicenter for this malady), we'll have another team that spent just as much time assembling their outfits as they did installing cheaty components on their cars. Let's take a look at some of the better team costumes since the last Costume Treasury:

We can thank LeMons Perpetrator and hyphy Oakland native Nick "Deuce Deuce" Pon, aka TheEastBayKid, for the idea.

We had a decent speaker/amp setup, a 400-watt amplifier and four 6x9 speakers stuffed into an old thrift-store particle-board speaker cabinet. It's visible on the roof of the Cursed VW Transporter in the photo above.


Just attach the jumper-cable clips to the vehicle's battery, hook up the iPod to the amplifier input, and crank up the Mistah F.A.B. It worked well, as you can see in the video from the Buttonwillow Histrionics LeMons last summer. At that race, we used the Department Of Highway De-Beautification Safety Truck as the Ghost Ride vehicle. Unfortunately, Mistah F.A.B. coupled with the "Bass Boost" equalizer setting on the iPod blew out most of the speakers on our GRTW Box, and in any case we needed something sturdy enough to withstand shipping to non-West Coast races. Junkyard time!

First, we'd need a bunch of tie-downs/speaker protectors. I headed over to my local self-service boneyard, figuring I'd find an old truck with a bunch of rusty-ass tie downs. But wait! Car door striker latches are made to withstand high-speed wrecks, every car has at least two of them, and they're held on with just two screws. No need to fight nasty, corroded carriage bolts on some junked '74 F-250 with a bed full of ossified dog poop. Problem solved!

I grabbed quite a few latches, all from Hondas and Toyotas; my design called for four, but there's no harm in a bit of junkyard overkill.

I figured I'd get some junkyard 6x9s and just build a plywood box with enough room for them, but it turns out that Bunny With A Pancake On Its Head VW Rabbit team captain and 1976 Audi Fox driver Casadelshawn holds a degree in Intergalactic Badasstical Speaker Design (note: I've forgotten all the technical terms Casadelshawn so patiently explained to me, including the name of his college degree, so I'll be making up every audio-engineering term from this point on), and he offered to help apply some, like, science to the design of Ghost Ride The Whip Box V2.0.

A little cutting and pasting of some scrap plywood went pretty easily, thanks to the miracle of drywall screws and Elmer's Glue. I was forced to buy longer countersunk machine screws to mount the door latches on 3/4" plywood, because the Toyota screws were too short. It hurts, paying for new stuff on a junkyard project!

Here's a top view of the super-scientific cabinet design, as suggested by 33rd Degree Master Speakerman Casadelshawn. The layout was limited by the requirement that the box be readily shippable to distant race tracks without incurring oversize fees from FedEx, so there was no avoiding right angles (which, according to Heisenberg's Fourth Theorem Of Boombox Design, should be shunned). Note the Intradimensional Thumpin' Doob Tubes™ (PVC pipe), which apparently enhance the rubber-mallet-on-skull effect of the bass. The idea here is to run one channel per pair of speakers, then place the GWTB Box V2.0 at an angle on the roof of the vehicle, so that spectators to the front and rear will get both left and right sides of the stereo.

The latches flank the side speakers, in order to protect them when the inevitible drop to the asphalt occurs. LeMons gear takes a serious beating. Cabinet pulls go on the ends, providing speaker protection as well as carrying handles.

The Total Mobile Audio T4404 amplifier goes into a protected-from-upside-down-droppage compartment on the top of the box.

Here's the high-tech power connection. Don't slam the hood all the way closed!

A few random car emblems give it that Murilee Martin Lifestyle Brand™ look. Spitfire, Buick, Jaguar, and a nice diamond-studded 22" emblem add class.

Some scavenged ropes and bungee cords keep it semi-anchored to the roof of my Crown Victoria, which edges closer to being sold to a LeMons team with every week that goes by.

And here we go! The Judges' Choice-winning 1Up SE-R team looks enthusiastic as they pay for their sins. Yes, I know I'm supposed to get out of the car and let it drive itself, but the Chief Perp nixed that idea for- get this!- safety reasons!

The guys from the Starsky and the Bandit Capri team also looked good during their Ghost Ride penalty. Let's watch some video!

These dudes proved to be the lamest Ghost Riders in LeMons history, trudging along like they'd been in the Bataan Death March for the last couple of days, but they said they'd form a mosh pit if we cranked up some Metallica. "Master Of Puppets" perked them right up! Later, we did the German Car Parade Of Shame, with several E30s, a Porsche 914, and a VW Golf doing a very slow lap of the paddock behind the Crown Vic and Rammstein cranking on the GRTW Box.

Here's what we used for inspiration when determining the appropriate level of LeMons Ghost Ride enthusiasm:

Just in case you're too young to get the "Tigra and Bunny" reference:

Here's some in-car video from the Members Only car last weekend (before it was knocked out of the race with a rod knock), showing a dramatic battle between the 928, the Scuderia Flatpack (Some Assembly Required) V8olvo, and the U.S. BureauCRAP Nissan Maxima. All three cars show remarkably similar performance as they roar around Thunderhill Raceway, and along the way you'll get a nice tour of many of the Arse Freeze's more interesting entrants, including the Über Bird, the Saleen Renault Alliance, and the IOE-winning Purple Lemon Racing VW Beetle.

A lesson to those who think that going fast is the key to winning LeMons: all three of these super-quick machines were knocked out of contention over the course of the weekend; the 928's engine went kablooey, the Maxima was buried under an avalanche of black flags, and the V8olvo went onto its roof. 74th, 104th, and 27th place, respectively. OK, let's watch the video now:

Here's another video showing some "close call" highlights. The action never stops on a LeMons track!

Amazingly, we saw European cars take seven of the first ten positions, with four BMWs, an Alfa Romeo, a Porsche, and a Volkswagen dominating the race. Mazda and Toyota have five LeMons wins apiece, so we have to think that they're sweating in the boardrooms of Tokyo and Hiroshima right about now. Look for factory-sponsored $500 cars in the near future!

The third annual Arse Freeze-A-Palooza was more like an Arse Cool-A-Palooza this time, due to the schedule putting the race in November instead of December. We had more cars on the track than we'd ever seen at any LeMons event, and the LeMons Supreme Court punished more miscreants than ever before (570 total black flags). We saw our first-ever Toyota Cressida, Renault Alliance, and Northstar-engined Cadillac. The LeMons tradition of Nissan Zs failing miserably continued, with seven 280ZXs and 300ZXs on the track and only one finishing in the top 100… at 99th place. The 2009 LeMons season is now officially over. See you in Phoenix next January!

Thanks to Daniel Zanelli, Kyle Ryan, and Larisa Wolf for photographic help; thanks also to the Faster Farms Non-Rotisserie Chickens for allowing me to bolt the PillarCam to their Belvedere.

Not enough LeMons action for you? Check out the top lemons of past races: Altamont '07 • Arse Freeze '07 • Altamont '08 • Ohio '08 • New England '08 • South '08 • Texas '08 • Arse Freeze '08 • Texas Spring '09 • South Spring '09 • Reno '09 • New Orleans '09 • New England '09 • Buttonwillow '09 • South Fall '09 • Ohio '09 • Texas Fall '09

1. Pandamonium Racing, BMW 325i
Overall Winner
Best Lap: 2:19;185

2. Eyesore Racing, Ghettocharged Mazda Miata
Winner, Organizer's Choice Award
Winner, Class Good
Best Lap: 2:16.282

3. Bavarian Beer Wagon, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:21.786

4. Team California Mille, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Winner, Highest Placing 70s Contender Award
Best Lap: 2:26.955

5. Formula BMW, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:21.671

6. Cajun Coonasses dba Speed Racer, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:29.481

7. Team Hurling Moss, BMW 2002
Winner, Class Bad
Best Lap: 2:27.843

8. Old Fast Auto Race Team, Porsche 924S
Best Lap: 2:21.181

9. Lil Smokey And The Bandit, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:19.227

10. $14 The Hard Way, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 2:23.799

11. Bunny With A Pancake On Its Head, Volkswagen Rabbit
Best Lap: 2:28.931

12. Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0, Geo Metro
Best Lap: 2:18.195

13. The Faustest Team, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:23.160

14. Los Cerdos Voladores, Plymouth Neon
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank Award
Best Lap: 2:23.146

15. 1Up Mother Cluckers - Well-Connected Nissan Freaks
Winner, Judges' Choice Award
Best Lap: 2:22.986

16. Lipstick On A Pig, Nissan Sentra SE-R
Best Lap: 2:24.079

17. Italian Stallions aka "The Fiat," Fiat X1/9
Best Lap: 2:25.618

18. Autobahn Society Racing, BMW 2002
Best Lap: 2:30.655

19. Zoom-Zoom...BOOM, Mazda 323
Best Lap: 2:29.873

20. Ecurie Ecrappe Autodenta, 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
Best Lap: 2:21.236

21. Heisenberg Racing, BMW 318
Best Lap: 2:21.422

22. Barbarian Motorworks, BMW 325eS
Best Lap: 2:21.164

23. Rockerz In Dockerz, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:34.323

24. The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, Peugeot 505 Turbo
Winner, Grassroots Motorsports Most From The Least Award
Best Lap: 2:27.088

25. Socialist Dogsledders, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:24.155

26. Bernal Dads Racing, Volvo 245
Best Lap: 2:31.161

27. Scuderia Flat Pack, Volvo DL
BS Penalty laps: 4
Best Lap: 2:17.234

28. The Sharks, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:18.246

29. Frozen Assets, Plymouth Neon
Best Lap: 2:20.990

30. Absolute Lemon Motorsports, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:20.033

31. Falknor Auto Racing Team (FART), BMW 535i
Best Lap: 2:24.714

32. An Inconvenient Car, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:22.319

33. Planet Hell Racing, Porsche 944
Best Lap: 2:30.168

34. Clueless Party Vikings Vintage Racers, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:23.009

35. Uber Vogel Hans-Am, Mercedes-Benz 190E
Best Lap: 2:26.873

36. Free Range Racing, Toyota MR2

37. Team Cant Am, Volvo 242 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:27.579

38. Reversed Darwinism II: Brute Force And Ignorance, Ford Crown Victoria
Best Lap: 2:24.817

39. PIT CREW REVENGE, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:27.761

40. Filthy Faux Ford GT40, Ford Escort ZX2
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:25.862

41. Sierra Auto Recycling, Ford Crown Victoria
Best Lap: 2:28.674

42. Stars & Stripes Racing, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:23.415

43. Carpocalypse NOW!, Eagle Talon TSi
Best Lap: 2:24.613

44. Guud Humor Racing, Ford Ranger
Winner, Class Ugly
Best Lap: 2:25.495

45. Dust n Debris, Dodge Shadow
Best Lap: 2:31.937

46. Beaver Domination, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:22.313

47. POS Delivery, BMW 325i
Best Lap: 2:26.497

48. Red Rocket Racing, Toyota Celica GT
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:33.262

49. The Cannonball Bandits, Toyota Corolla FX16
Best Lap: 2:34.066

50. Carpet Pissers, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:25.011

51. Festiva Royale, Ford Festiva
Best Lap: 2:35.383

52. LowerGearEpisode2, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:20.892

53. Death Race 2000: Frankenstein's REVENGE, Mazda MX-6
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:28.969

54. Squadra Volante, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Best Lap: 2:32.232

55. Caffeine Unlimited, BMW E30
Best Lap: 2:24.698

56. Team Barbie, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:34.177

57. Deepest Valley Racing, Chevrolet Caprice
Best Lap: 2:32.734

58. San Jose Scalawags, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:27.099

59. Badagascar, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:23.847

60. Save The Whale, Ford Crown Victoria
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:15.069

61. Team California Mille #2, Alfa Romeo Alfetta
Best Lap: 2:33.280

62. Redneck Racing Team (RRT), Cadillac Eldorado
Best Lap: 2:31.785
Image credit: Kyle Ryan

63. Team Petty Cash, Jeep Cherokee
Best Lap: 2:31.561

64. Size Does Matter, Plymouth Fury
Best Lap: 2:26.603

65. Purple Lemon Racing, Volkswagen Beetle
Winner, Index Of Effluency
Best Lap: 2:47.501

66. Mysteries Inc. Racing, Plymouth Voyager Turbo
Best Lap: 2:47.721

67. Fast Cat Jungle Racing, Toyota Cressida
Best Lap: 2:35.849

68. I Wanna Roc, Chevrolet Camaro
Best Lap: 2:30.398

69. Team Ken, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:31.182

70. TSP - Drivers In Training, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:25.481

71. Mazdarachis, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:12.311

72. Snobs On The Dole, Saab 9-3 Convertible
Best Lap: 2:27.135

73. Team King Crab, BMW 325i
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:37.413

74. Members Only, Porsche 928 Shooting Brake
Best Lap: 2:19.718

75. NYPD ITB, Mazda 323
Best Lap: 2:31.954

76. LEMON DEMOLITION, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:22.682

77. Sin City SCAR Wars, Pontiac Fiero
Best Lap: 2:30:263

78. Chim Chim Racing, Volkswagen GTI
Best Lap: 2:28.689

79. Snowspeeder Pilots Association, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:27.409

80. Gift With Purchase, BMW 325iS
Best Lap: 2:19.947

81. Hit & Run II, Mitsubishi Starion
Best Lap: 2:29.933

82. Magnum P.O.S., Honda CRX

83. Team Lightning McQueen, Pontiac Sunfire
Best Lap: 2:42.587

84. Yushin Maru Racing, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:04.824

85. B-Team, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:30.216

86. Unknown Fluids, BMW 633CSi
Best Lap: 2:26.837

87. Fart-Rari Racing, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:23.518

88. ONSET/TWTM2
Best Lap: 2:25.532

89. Runs Like A Raped Ape, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:20.101

90. The Big EASY, Porsche 914
Best Lap: 2:30.939

91. Fast Times @ Placer High, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:21.702

92. A+ Trailer Trash, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:26.694

93. The Flakes, Volvo 244
Best Lap: 2:32.852

94. Starsky and the Bandit, Ford Capri
Best Lap: 2:27.427

95. Team Dai Hard, Daihatsu Charade

96. ZZ Uber Das Driver: Uncle Uber Is Back, Volkswagen GTI

97. Frak This Racing / Lime Tigers, Datsun 280Z
Best Lap: 2:14.862

98. Knights Of The Round Track, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:32.676

99. 1320 Turners, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:19.039

100. D, C&H Taxi Co, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:31.928

101. Tercelators' Totally Bitchen Camaro, Chevrolet Camaro
Best Lap: 2:36.017

102. The Channel 4 News Team, Nissan 240SX
BS Penalty laps: 16
Best Lap: 2:25.019

103. Diplomatic Immunity, 1995 Mercedes-Benz S600
Winner, Heroic Fix Award
Winner, I Got Screwed Award
Best Lap: 2:43.869

104. U.S. BureauCRAP, Nissan Maxima
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:23.578

105. Junk Yard Kats, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:25.387

106. Hit & Run, BMW 320i
Best Lap: 2:41.311

107. Punk Racing, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 10
Best Lap: 2:19.362

108. A Lemon Entry, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:32.656

109. Nerd Herd, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:25.362

110. THUNDER RACERS, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:26.362

111. Team InternationOLVO (aka Damn Foreigners), Volvo 242 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:35.094

112. REDNECK RACERS, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:23.586

113. LOOSE NUTS CALIFORNIA, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:23.586

114. Huey Newis and the Lose, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:26.513

115. Unsafe At Any Speed, Chevrolet Corvair
Best Lap: 2:54.645

116. HomeTown Buffet / WOO WOOO!, Isuzu I-Mark RS
Best Lap: 2:35.967

117. Rooster Juice Racing, Porsche 924
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:35.773

118. Gimp Pimp, Cadillac STS
Best Lap: 2:29.979

119. E=MC HAMMERED, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:25.462

120. Audi In Wonderland, Audi 90
Best Lap: 2:28.695

121. Wienerschmoker II: Electric Boogaloo, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 15
Best Lap: 2:27.387

122. Rice Rocket Racing (the Sequel) or RQubed, Nissan 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:23.140

123. XDOG'S, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:31.199

124. Rockin Rollers, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:32.502

125. Faster Farms II: Non Rotisserie Chickens, Plymouth Belvedere
Best Lap: 2:32.949

126. Wedginator III, Triumph TR7
Best Lap: 2:30.420

127. Automatica, BMW 325i Convertible
BS Penalty laps: 1
Best Lap: 2:26.283

128. Rubber Chicken Piccata Racing, Volvo 740GLE
BS Penalty lap: 4
Best Lap: 2:27.115

129. Blood Drive / Arcane Racing, BMW 530i
Best Lap: 2:24.252

130. Family Truckster, Ford Pinto
Best Lap: 2:29.685

131. F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team, Renault Alliance
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:42.831

132. The Black Flags, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:27.738

133. Project FATE, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:34.077

134. Leftover Parts Racing, Mazda RX-7
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:32.608

135. 4 R's (aka 501k), Volkswagen Jetta
Best Lap: 2:30.428

136. Las Vegas Magic, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:25.497

137. Chicken Licken- Reburned, Nissan Stanza
Best Lap: 2:28.123

138. Killer Bees, MGB
Best Lap: 2:34.924

139. Pearl Harbor Racing, Datsun 200SX
Best Lap: 2:37.848

140. Angry Hamster Racing, Honda Z600
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology Award
Best Lap: 2:30.906

141. Magnum P.I.G., Toyota Celica
Best Lap: 2:30.847

142. Dudes of Hazard, Toyota Celica Alltrac Turbo
Best Lap: 2:31.097

143. Group of Foolz, BMW 533i
Best Lap: 2:41.045

144. Team Apathy, Saab 9000 Turbo
Best Lap: 2:33.079

145. Team Pyrite, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:29.821

146. Clunkers Refuge Racing, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:40.543

147. LITTLE WOODY, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:53.268

148. Blanco Basura Racing, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:33;837

149. Hatfield's and McCoy's, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 3:29.281

150. Kamikaze Ninjas With Lasers, Nissan Sentra SE-R
BS Penalty laps: 150
Best Lap: 2:26.620

151. Mark's Wife Won't Let Him Drive, Prosche 944
BS Penalty laps: 300
Best Lap: 2:19.175

152. Motoring J Style, Acura Integra
BS Penalty laps: 1,200
Best Lap: 2:22.508

Unlike most claimer races, in which any schmoe on the premises may claim a car for a specified sum, the fine print of the 24 Hours Of LeMons rulebook states that "At the end of the competition, the organizer—and nobody else, you lazy, better-car-wantin' bastids—may elect to purchase any vehicle from its owner(s) for $500. In other words, don't spend a lot on a cheater, cause if you do, you ain't gonna own it much longer." While Chief Perp Jay Lamm had considered claiming a car in the past (often with much encouragement to do so from the LeMons Supreme Court), he'd always chickened out with some lame excuse like "I have too many damn hoopty-ass cars at my house now, where am I going to fit another one?" Not this time! Since the Paraguayan Benz is essentially unregisterable, the engine will end up in a Model A owned by one of the Assistant Perps, while the rest of the car will likely be traded for a couple of boxes of rusty Alfa Romeo parts.

The good news for Team Diplomatic Immunity is that they went home with two major trophies: the Heroic Fix, for their 8-hour heater-hose replacement, and the coveted I Got Screwed trophy, for having their nice car snatched away from their clutches.

Everything was going just fine for Der Wienerschmoker II, Electric Boogaloo (which somehow managed to get an M3 engine past the LeMons Supreme Court), but it turns out that more power doesn't necessarily result in a better race car. We're not quite sure what happened out there, but the result was one very bent-up E30. Note all the Bart Simpson Penalty writing under that Thunderhill dirt on the bodywork; perhaps we should have been harsher on the Wienerschmokers in the Penalty Box!

Wayne, aka Stratocastrator, was at the wheel and walked away from the wreck without a scratch. Being a veteran of decades of balls-to-the-wall dirt-track racing, he didn't consider this to be much of an impact.

Wayne's tough, but it turns out that the Volvo 240 is even tougher! You know all those ads Volvo used to run, touting the rollover protection of the 240? They weren't bullshitting- the roof wasn't even mashed down to the roll cage! According to team captain Hellhammer, all the car needs to run again is a new left front wheel.

But you don't care about all that stuff- you want to witness the carnage! OK, we're happy to oblige:

Thanks to Larisa Wolf for the photograph at top!

Their reward: overall win at the third annual Arse Freeze-A-Palooza 24 Hours Of LeMons! Even though it was yet another damn E30 (the third to take the overall win at a LeMons race, which ties the Toyota Supra for most LeMons wins by a single model of car), we felt pretty good about giving the trophy to these guys. You see, not only were they very infrequent visitors to the Penalty Box- in a race that annihilated the black-flag record, with a total of five hundred and freakin' twenty penalties over the weekend- but they had the class to relinquish number 43 so that the Über Bird team could Petty out their machine in proper fashion. Great job, Pandamonium!

That's not to take away from the accomplishment of Pandamonium Racing's BMW E30; I'll post about their overall win once I'm back to civilization. Now I"m going to pack up the Crown Vic and head south 130 miles. Check in later for more LeMons Arse Freeze roundups!

At this race, we've seen some normally bulletproof machines fall apart, while the Italian contingent (four Alfa Romeos and a Fiat) have proven completely trouble-free.

The failure of a tiny hose in the Paraguayan Mercedes-Benz S600 knocked the car out of the action for most of Saturday. The team was able to get a replacement hose, but had to remove approximately 10,000 oddball fasteners in order to access its hiding place beneath the intake manifold. Betcha this is a $15,000 repair at your local Benz shop! The car managed to get back onto the track late in the afternoon, and proved to be so slow and unwieldy that most of the People's Curse talk has died down. Would you believe that "V12" is not necessarily synonymous with "fast?"

The Angry Hamster Racing Magna V65-powered Honda Z600 turned out to be quite fast on the track... right up to the moment at which they started having problems with the gears in their snazzy CNC-machined direction-reversing gearbox. They lost some time on Saturday, but have returned to the action.

These Saab racers have done their best to carry on the LeMons Saab tradition of burning holes in their cylinder heads. Hope the local junkyards have another one!

The casualty rate among the Nissan Z contingent appears to be approaching 100%, with an epidemic holes in blocks, busted clutches, and impossible-to-diagnose electrical woes bringing tears to the eyes of Nissan lovers everywhere.

The video below, provided by the V8olvo team, tells the whole story. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and the Volvo will be ready to race later this morning. It seems unlikely that the TR7 can be fixed, but you never know what miracles of duct-tape repair might happen at a 24 Hours Of LeMons race!

We've got some still photos of the action as well, thanks to Jesse of the Killer Bee MGB team.

Well, he wasn't hurt in the wreck, that is; his teammates (including 5-time DOTS honoree WhatWouldJesseDo) might end up inflicting some bodily harm due to unhappiness over the self-inflicted PIT Maneuver that takes place in the video below. Here you will see the view from the Team Stimulus Package Honda Civic as the incident unfolds.

At this point, the #5 car sits just two laps behind the #1 car; in fact, a mere 10 laps separates the 20th-place car from the leader. We expect to see some reshuffling of these positions tomorrow. You'll find the complete standings, with best lap times, in the gallery below.

Of course, they've got quite a few cars looming in the rear-view mirror, and plenty of racing remains. Will they be the lap leader to start the race tomorrow? We'll see!

Will one of the motorcycle-engined machines dominate? Will the Über Bird use its superior aerodynamics to outrun the field? Will the Cressida and Maxima whip out some serious Japanese Luxo-Sportiness and totally own? There's just no telling! I'll do my best to post live updates, but all signs point to a very, very busy day in the Penalty Box.

I decided to mount the camera (a CHDK-hacked Canon A460) up on one of the metal pillars that supports the roof over the BS Inspection area, but I had no camera-mount bracket... until I stopped by the paddock space of the F-ING Fromage1 Renault Alliance team and picked up a shard of Oregon license plate and some random fasteners. Worked great!

That's the Murilee Arraiac song "Pancreas," which really had 'em dancing in the streets back in 1988. Enjoy.

That's right, it really is possible to obtain a great big Benz with a V12 engine, dent-free body, and cherry interior for 500 bucks. Now, some of you may be asking yourselves, "How in the hell could a car that sold new for $130,000 just over a decade ago possibly make it past the LeMons Supreme Court without getting issued so many penalty laps that the judges get carpal tunnel syndrome from writing so many zeros on the inspection sheet?"

We had a hard time believing it ourselves, but here's how it went down: the car was brought into the country by a Paraguayan diplomat (it still has diplomatic plates), and then some hazily-defined event took place that resulted in a drug-smuggling bust and the involvement of police personnel from several nations. After that, the car became permanently radioactive in the eyes of the DMV, with dealer after dealer attempting to wash it clean of its sins and register it for street use. No dice! Finally, all the optimism evaporated and the last dealer washed his hands of the car, selling it for a grand to... the same LeMons team that once ran a Jaguar XJ-S. They sold the driver's seat for 500 bucks, and that was that. The heater works, the roll cage was installed without trashing the beautiful wood-and-leather interior, and we bought the whole story. There's talk that one of the LeMons Perpetrators may get the Chief Perp to claim the car (as is his, and only his, right) so that he can drop the engine in a '27 Ford Tudor. The team members say they don't want to see this car ever again, once the race is done, so things might work out well for all concerned.

Yes, we've long wanted to see a big German car get turned into a Plymouth Super Bird, and now our dream has come true! A little sheet metal, a lot of Bondo, and the number 43 is all you need.