Suitability Parameters:
Speed Merchants: No
Fashion Victims: Yes
Treehuggers: No
Mack Daddies: No
Tuner Crowd: Yes
Hairdressers: Yes
Penny Pinchers: No
Euro Snobs: Yes
Working Stiffs: No
Technogeeks: No
Poseurs: No
Soccer Moms: No
Nascar Dads: No
Golfing Grandparents: No
Very Serious Businessmen: No
Sheiklets: No

Also Consider:
• 2009 Subaru WRX
• E46 BMW M3
• E39 BMW M5
• 2009 Chevy Corvette
• 996 Porsche 911
• Lotus Elise SC and packing lightly
• 1990 BMW 325is w/springs and dampers; Yokohama AVS Intermediates; K&N filter; chip; exhaust; rebuilt engine and gearbox; $36,000 in your pocket.

Vitals:
• Manufacturer: BMW
• Model year: 2009
• Base Price: $35,600
• Price as Tested: $46,945
• Engine type: 3.0-liter twin-turbo inline-six
• Horsepower: 300 @ 5800 RPM
• Torque: 300 @ 1400-5000 RPM
• Transmission: 6-Speed Automatic
• Curb Weight: 3384 LB
• LxWxH: 171.7" x 68.8" x 55.4
• Wheelbase: 104.7"
• Tires: 205/50R-17 / 225/45R-17
• 0 - 60 mph: 5.2 seconds
• Top Speed: 150 MPH
• 1/4 Mile: 13.6 seconds @102 MPH
• EPA Fuel economy city/highway: 17/25 MPG
• NHTSA crash test rating: TBA

Also See:
• 2009 BMW 135i, Part One
• 2009 BMW 135i, Part Two

Acceleration: *****
The twin-turbo 3.0-liter inline-six is the pick of BMW’s range, providing its bigger, heavier cars with ample acceleration. Here, it’s ridiculously fast for a non-M car, and much, much torquier too. You can pretty much leave the gearbox in third for any serious driving, using the low-down grunt to carry you out of corners and the high-end rush to blast you down straights.

Braking: ****
Excellent both in town and at higher speeds, we couldn’t provoke any fade, which is not something we can say of most Bimmers.

Ride:***
Firm but controlled, just like a European performance car should be.

Handling: **
As a BMW fan, it hurts me to do this, but I’m knocking a star off for failing to live up to expectations. The BMW is a three-star handler when you want it to merit five stars. Sure it’s rear wheel drive, sure it’s got firm springs and dampers, but when pushed, it doesn’t communicate with nor involve the driver to the degree a true sports car should. It’s still fast, but beyond the sensation of speed, it’s just not fun or rewarding to drive.

Gearbox: ***
We’ve driven 135is with both manual and automatic transmissions. This time around we got lumped with an autobox. At normal speeds it’s fine, if unremarkable. At higher speeds it’s too keen to upshift, meaning planting the throttle results in several seconds of downshifting delay before the acceleration you want is achieved. Overriding the system with BMW’s frustrating paddle system results in reasonably fast shifts, but since both paddles go forward and back, you’ll be pushing one or the other the wrong way if you try to shift in a hurry. Luckily, you don’t need to shift much in the 135i, so by just selecting third gear, then getting on with driving, you don’t have to deal with the gearbox at all.

Audio: ****
Ours came with the optional $400 iPod adapter, $2100 iDrive Navigation and $595 Sirius radio. It sounded great and connected easily to an iPhone, which was also easy to control via iDrive. Sirius is also our preference over the more-common XM. We wouldn’t want to pay for these options ourselves though; the inline-six soundtrack is all we need.

Toys: ****
If you’ve used any previous generation of iDrive, you’ll be amazed by how simple and intuitive it is to use now. The best car-based human/machine interface on the market, it provides easy, eyes-free access to the decent navigation system and all the secondary functions.

Value: *
If the 135i handled, we’d be giving it at least three stars for value. But it doesn’t. So instead of a driver’s car, you’re paying $35,600 (base) for a car with compromised packaging. The $46,945 as-tested-here price is absolutely scandalous and leaves us wondering why anyone would spend this kind of money on a 1-series. The 2009 Subaru WRX starts at just $24,850, has real driver involvement, similar performance numbers and in hatchback form, real practicality. We couldn’t justify a 135i for ten grand more, but especially not for 20 grand more.

In case you’re wondering, our car was equipped with $500 metallic paint, $600 cold weather package (heated seats and a ski bag), $3,400 Premium Package (power seats and some fancy, but irrelevant doodads), $1,200 Sport Package (Sports seats and thicker steering wheel + paddles), $1,325 automatic transmission, $2,100 navigation system (iDrive), $400 iPod adapter, $595 Sirius radio, $350 rear parking radar and an $825 destination and handling fee. Sure, we’d eliminate most of that if we were spending our own money (which we wouldn’t), but the 135i is still damn expensive.

Overall: **
A nice little car that’s insanely overpriced, sacrifices practicality and space for a longitudinal inline-six and rear wheel drive, which it then fails to take advantage of to become a real driver’s car. Great engine though.

Also see:
• 2009 BMW 135i, Part One

I’m certainly hoping so. The former owner of two E30s (a 1990 325is and a 1992 325iC), I’ve been left out in the cold by recent BMW products. Those E30s represented, to me at least, the perfect blend of sportiness and luxury. Just big enough for two people (four in a pinch) to ride in the supportive and comfy leather-clad, manual adjusting Recaros the E30 was almost two cars in one. You could choose to cruise around in a nice, classy looking luxury car or you could put the hammer down and out-drive Porsches on mountain roads. At 2865 lb (coupe) they were light. At 168 HP and 164 lb-ft they were, for the time, fast and even by modern standards they were torquey and smooth. More importantly, they put nothing between the driver and driving, they were real, honest to god, sports cars.

So hopping into the 135i on my way out of New York, I was really hoping to be able to recapture the sense of driving involvement BMWs since that time have slowly lost. Initial signs were good. Very good. Surprised by the amount of instantaneous power on offer, within 500 feet I had the car sideways on a highway on-ramp, my girlfriend’s motion sick sister screaming in the back seat.

The engine dominates initial driving impressions, overwhelming you with its torque and smoothness. Powerful enough to hussle the 4894 lb behemoth that is the BMW X6, here, in a car only a fraction of the size, it’s incredible. Driving it north on I-87, 3,000 RPM is enough to belt you into three figure, license-losing speeds much faster than expected. Delve into the higher RPMs and it feels M3 fast. BMW still knows how to build great engines, and this is probably the best of them.

Things settle down when you readjust yourself to how quickly the 135i can gather speed. Inside the cabin, the little Bimmer is a nice place to spend time. Only a little bit bigger on the inside than an E30, it’s luxurious in the front seat and offers rear seat passengers just enough space they’ll shut up and stop complaining — eventually.

Back when I was in school, I’d sneak out early every Sunday and take my E30 for a spin around a secret country route. Not able to do that every weekend now that I’m all grown up and Ray expects me to get work done, I nevertheless have a similar place that I go in the Catskills anytime I’m handed the keys to something fast. I took the Audi R8 there, the BMW M3 and the Jag XKR too. And that’s where I’m headed in the 135i. Out of all of them, this is the one I’m most excited about. The power, the size, the badge, this is the car for me. At least that’s what I thought until I got up there.

The backroads in the Catskills are narrow, tree-lined and gravel strewn. To go fast you need to have ultimate confidence in your car. That confidence comes through feel and feel is something the 135i doesn’t have. The steering wheel is dead around center, before firming up when turned. But it’s weight, not response that you’re getting. With all the silly nannies switched off, the 135i will oversteer with the best of them. But up here you need to know before that happens and in this car you don’t. Nor does the car reward driver input with involvement. I hate to say it, but the 135i is a fast, but ultimately, boring car to drive.

So here you have everything that should make a great a great BMW: the longitudinal six, rear wheel drive, small dimensions. But in the 135i you get the impression that those are more branding elements than something engineers have included for their fundamental rightness. Creating a car with the packaging compromises of a performance vehicle, but none of the things that would make those compromises worthwhile.

Is the 135i the simple, well-engineered driver’s car that will recapture the hearts of enthusiasts everywhere? I’m sad to report that it isn’t.

The Ramp, Part 1

The Ramp, Part 2

The Ramp. Part 3

Download the high res version at the site "Jeff Schultz" has set up for the movie: Rampenfest.com

Woe unto thee in cubical farms, for this is our greatest attempt yet to get you canned