The one that caught my eye first was the very clean, automatic-equipped 1976 BMW 2002. The odometer reads just over 4,000 miles, which means it's either a very well-maintained 104,000-mile car or a 4,000-mile car that spent several decades moldering in a driveway somewhere. When I mentioned this car to 24 Hours Of LeMons Assistant Perpetrator Nick Pon, he had to rush right over to the yard to pull some pieces for his '76 2002.

Right next to the 2002 sits a fairly complete 1970 Triumph Spitfire. The engine and front suspension look pretty nice; a Spitfire Hell Project owner could definitely feast on this junkyard find!

That's not enough? Hey, there's something for you lovers of vintage Japanese machinery as well: a California-built 1988 Toyota Corolla GT-S. It's an automatic car, and the underhood sticker identifies the engine as a 4A-LC… but that sure looks like a 16-valve 4A to me.

Now let's see what the Server Hamsters do when I present them with these photos in our new gallery style. Fasten your seatbelts!

Our last DOTS 2002 was also a '76, and now we're on the seventh in the series (after this '72, this '72, this '73, this '75, and this '75). That's two pre-Malaise examples, one small-bumper Early Malaise car, and four Monster Bumper Malaise-M-Ws.


Let's take a look at one of those monster bumpers. Granted, it's hard to imagine many cars that were uglified by such bumpers as badly as the 2002 (though the Spitfire managed to accomplish the feat), but the 5 MPH bumpers were way better at brushing off minor impacts than today's body-colored hardware. Was it worth it? More to the point, was 98 horsepower in a 2,383-pound car enough to deserve the Hofmeister Kink?

Yes, the Autobahn Society Racing crew has made a 2002 into a painstaking replica of the Frank Stella 1976 3.0 CSL art car. This car is a veteran of the LeMons SF '08 race, where it finished 24th. This time it finished 80th.


The Altamont-vet "tank 5 Series" got zapped with a 150-lap BS Penalty right off the bat, which didn't sit too well with the team. Their best lap of 1:36.896 was quite impressive, though eventually they got put on the trailer for running 60-treadwear racing slicks, and parking-lot drift hilarity ensued.


You can usually spot a veteran of the legendary "Demolition Derby LeMons" race, aka the Gimme Shelter LeMons SF Fall '07 event, just by looking at the body panels, but the Mach Schnell car seems to have been beaten back into a semblance of factory appearance. This time the Schnells came in 25th, with a blistering 1:33.594 best lap.


Another battered Gimme Shelter Altamont vet, the Foolz came in 31st this time.


With nine penalties at the Yeehaw It's Texas '08 event the Sharks got 30th place this time. They drove like madmen fleeing a bank robbery and were on the receiving end of a textbook PIT Maneuver at the hands of a crafty RX-7. They also feature prominently in the Pandamonium Jackass Highlights Video, but the Sharks really do understand the spirit of LeMons and we hope to see them in future races.


Plucked from a swamp in the damp Pacific Northwest, this car had lichens growing all over its bodywork (and the most perfectly preserved 2002 dash in the entire world, which is no doubt headed for a lucrative sale on eBay). Thanks in part to a 35-lap bonus (but mostly due to their black-flag-free driving), the Hurling Mossers stunned the LeMons community with a 7th-place finish. OK, they'd have been 34th without the bonus, but everyone was still quite impressed.


Why don't we see more E24s at LeMons? You can get them cheap, junkyard 5 series cars provide plenty of parts, and they're quite fast; check out the 1:35.405 best lap on this car!





Another fast BMW (1:37.924 best lap), held back by reliability issues (and a 15-lap BS Penalty). 59th place.


This LeMons veteran ran a best lap of 1:36.083, but… 52nd place. Damn electronics!


The Porcubimmer was back, and the "angry porcupine" look was a real crowd-pleaser out there on the track. This time, the car held together pretty well, and the team notched a 32nd-place finish- no easy task in this race. Best lap time: 1:37.461. You can get the full story at the team site.


We liked the decoration on this car, which was yet another sub-1:38 hot-rod BMW with reliability problems. 78th place. Check out their excellent highlight video:





These guys have the #1 24 Hours Of LeMons video on YouTube, but the Porsche 944 just wasn't ready for Thunderhill and they showed up in a substitute E30 instead. Electrical malfunctions, blah blah blah, the usual E30 refrain. 81st place.


Here's an obvious Demolition Derby LeMons vet, not to mention all the California LeMons races since then. This E30 stayed clear of electrical demons and came in 10th place; you'll enjoy the team's mini-documentary.


We love literary and/or mythological references in team names, and the wing on the 55th-place Faustest E30 did look good.


Great team name, though we can't imagine many high-school kids wanted the 325e more than the 325iS. Look at that 1:34.669 best lap! Damn, those E30s are quick… but what's with the 65th-place finish?


Gimme Shelter '07 vet here, as you can tell by the much-bent-and-restraightened bodywork. The Bears did quite well at Thunderhill, coming in 28th and running a best lap of 1:37.341.

This car belongs to 24 Hours Of LeMons Assistant Perpetrator and Ecurie Ecrappe member Nick Pon, better known around these parts as TheEastBayKid. He's an Oakland guy, but he had some business to attend to in nearby Alameda and I took advantage of the opportunity to shoot his daily-driver/vintage-rallyer 2002 while it was parked here.


It's a good solid car, but BMW restoration fanatics would likely find much to frown about here. The engine is dead stock, except for the air cleaner (1976 model year cars are subject to California's super-strict emissions-equipment laws), but the suspension has some upgrades that wouldn't please the numbers-matching crowd. This is our sixth Alameda DOTS 2002 (after this pretty nice '72, this total beater '72, this '73 2002tii, this automatic-equipped '75, and this work-in-progress '75), and I've got a few more photographed and ready to go. The 2002 is actually one of the most commonplace old cars on Alameda's streets, though not as easy to find as Beetles, Mustangs, or Darts/Valiants.

1972 was the last year before the Malaise Era, so the power was still there (though the new horsepower rating system pushed the numbers down) and the gigantic bumpers hadn't arrived yet at the time this car was imported.


Even though this car will need to bring tire chains to get to Tahoe this ski season- hey, that's why you need an SUV in coastal California, right?- the owner is willing to make some sacrifices in order to keep driving this car every day.

You know that cash-strapped police departments aren't going to have any money to replace their old Crown Vics with faster machinery once the Financiapocalypse really gets rolling, and budget money for helicopters? Forget it! In order to catch moonshine runners, they're going to have to do so at speeds of 130 MPH or less, which means a powerful, sophisticated German car should be able to stay safely ahead of John Law. Remember, though, that you need something big enough for substantial tanks of "whiskey" or "vodka" or whatever label the cartel wants to slap on their bottles, and the suspension must be able to cope with the added weight of all that highly flammable fluid sloshing around. That's why you need the might of a V12 and the heft of an 8 Series chassis, but how to get one without spending too much of your stash of gold ingots? Hey, bust out $5,750 of your soon-to-be-toilet-paper fiat currency, before The Fed gets all the printing presses rolling at full tilt, because this 1991 BMW 850i- conveniently located in moonshine-friendly Tennessee- is ready to go! It's "a serious car that needs just a little attention," so you figure a few turns of the wrench, the addition of a stainless steel (or rusty steel, to add healthy iron and nice "aged in oak" coloring) tank, and you'll be rollin' like Bob Mitchum!

You really think the revenoors ain't gonna upgrade their fleets with confiscated cars the minute chaos envelops the cities and the bread lines turn into something out of the Battle Of Hue? Brother, you know John Law is going to be 200 MPH-capable when that day comes; those that aren't running down moonshiners in ZR1s and R8s are going to be stuffing supercharged 5.4 engines in their Police Interceptors, and then where will your fancy-schmancy BMW be? We can't say what will happen to your car when they catch you, but you'll be sucking down lead fumes in the Tough On Crime Penitentiary™ Battery Recycling Plant, and you don't want that. That's why what you need is stealth- a car that blends right in, yet still has the speed to make the occasional high-speed dash to the finish line. Say, something like this 2003 Mercury Marauder, which is essentially a warmed-up Crown Victoria Police Interceptor and can be had, in this case, for just $5,500. Don't worry about the seller's statement "MADE A MECHANICAL REPAIR TO THE VEHICLE AND THE OWNER DITCHED IT," because the post-Financiapocalypse world will be full of easy and cheap ways to get totally realistic-looking registration documents. Of course, you'll need to do something about the engine, but F150 Lightning drivetrains ought to be getting pretty cheap by now. There's room aplenty for the requisite white-liquor tank, and a suspension built to withstand endless impacts with curbs and speed bumps should be able to take the pounding administered by logging roads and potholed post-collapse city streets better than anything out of Bavaria!

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This one's rough, but it's more "fixer-upper" rough than "downward spiral" rough, if I'm guessing correctly. It doesn't seem to drive much, but it has the look of a car with some spare parts waiting for it in the garage… and someday they'll be installed!


1975 is the newest a California non-diesel vehicle can be and still be exempted from the dreaded emissions test. That means that you can do something to upgrade the horsepower on this car from the factory 98 to a number with three digits, all the while staying legal. With all those junkyard 3-series engines available for next to nothing, the owner of this car has plenty of affordable and fun options to choose from. How about Megasquirt with dual throttle bodies?
Once you're done checking out the gallery, be sure to vote in the 1975 DOTS poll- remember, they're all smog-exempt here in the Golden State!

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Maybe this car isn't as cool as the daily-driver '73 2002Tii that lives a few blocks away, but it's been around Alameda forever and there's no reason to think it's going to be crushed any time soon.


It's been hit hard in the rear, the paint is chalky, and it looks like it runs a gauntlet of ball-peen hammers on the way to work every morning. Yet it sold new for $3,571, nearly $1,300 more than the Datsun 510 coupe.

First up is this BMW 633CSi, found in northwestern Denver by Ejacobs. This car looks about as nice as it's possible for a 25-year-old driver to be, particularly in a town with snowy winters and harsh sun.


Now it's Kitt's turn. This 2002 was shot last winter- yeah, it sometimes takes me forever to get to these photos- in the parking lot at the Arapahoe Basin ski area. Yes, Colorado BMW owners know you don't need a damn Explorer or Forester just to go skiing! This car's a little rough, but it still gets the job done after all these decades.


Here's a Malaise 2002 I found near the University of Denver; the square taillights and 5 MPH bumpers mean it's a '74-76 model, and it appears that Denver-registered vehicles newer than 1959 require biannual smog checks, so the owner of this rough-but-serviceable 2002 can't do much about the lo-po engine and remain legal. Can't they get rid of wood-burning stoves instead?

The engine in this car was rated at 98 horsepower when new, which doesn't seem so bad for a Malaise car of its size (even with the added 300 pounds of the Über Bümpers).


But this one has an automatic. Ach! Still, an auto-equipped '75 as original as this one must be a rare car indeed.


Hmmm... this reminds me that it's time we had another What To Drive In '75 poll! What car would be the best matchup with an automatic 2002?

In addition to having such historical significance, Richmond has plenty of good ol' iron oxide. Yes, metal parts tend to secede from their union with their host cars, and that's why this somewhat rusty 2002 (go here if the ad disappears) can be had for an asking price of just $300. The seller states "im told it runs but has a knock," which at least means it has some sort of engine that's intact enough to have moving connecting rods. Hey, just grab the M10 out of the first junked 320i you find, ignore the rust, and lower the tone at classy BMW events in your area. It's a 300-buck 2002!

Maybe you think modern electronics and Japanese V6s are the way to go, and have we got the car for you! Check out this 1992 300ZX (go here if the ad disappears), which "Blew transmission over 5 years ago" and has been sitting ever since. What could go wrong? Just put a junkyard trans in that bad boy and you'll be... sitting in the driveway, cursing. OK, we admit you might have some other issues with a car that's been sitting for five years, and that's not even counting the other broken stuff that the seller, er, forgot to mention in the ad. The seller wants $1500 for his or her Z32, but that "OBO" in the price (not to mention the "Looking to sell ASAP" bit) speaks volumes; we figure the actual selling price will be much lower.

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What kind of world is it where the asking price of a real Ferrari is lower than a lot of Fiero-based kit cars? Who would take the Fierarri over the real thing? That's why we couldn't quite believe our eyes when we saw this 1985 Ferrari Mondial Convertible (go here if the ad disappears) with an asking price of just 12 grand. Sure, the Mondial isn't quite as high-zoot as its more powerful siblings, but its owner can still hold his or her head high! This one looks pretty good, although it needs that TLC thing so many sellers mention. This statement might be of some interest to potential buyers: "engine was working fine up until a week ago when it just stopped." Yes, it just stopped- how big a problem could that be? Heck, maybe it's just a loose wire to the ignition system... or maybe the seller didn't have the time to type out "Engine was working fine up until a week ago when a terrible clatter arose from 'neath the hood, followed by a tremendous fireball engulfing the engine compartment, a hail of broken valves spraying out of the tailpipe, and the voice of Beelzebub on the radio, taunting me." No, it just stopped.

Ferraris are pretty cool, but an '85 Ferrari may be Too Much Eighties, if you know what I mean and I think you do- everyone will think you spent stolen S&L money on hair transplants when they see you driving it. But you want an exotic Italian machine, don't you? How about moving into the 21st century, by picking up this 2002 Maserati Coupe (go here if the ad disappears) for an amazing $20,000? The seller claimed that it "Must be sold by 12/21/07," but the ad is still up a week later, so we figure the car's still available... maybe way cheaper than $20K by now, too. Why so cheap? We won't beat around the bush here: this Maserati's hit something pretty hard and the body is a mess (and, most likely, other stuff is broken as well). But the 385-horse V8 and paddle-shifted automatic are still in good shape, so you could have some fun with this thing. How about grafting the front body panels from an Olds Achieva onto this baby? Or maybe even order up the correct Maserati parts- hey, how much could that cost?

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Look how clean this guy is. Stee-rait, totally straight. Even the chrome is fab. Only in California. And you could park your Vespa on that back bumper.

Mick Dundee Impression: "You call that a Malaise Era bumper? This is a Malaise Era bumper." Crikey. And another thing, what is with that indicator light?

Need another reason to love this 2002? Feast your eyes on the tiller. Man, I want to lick that wood. What? I'm weird. And I'll lick the near perfect leather, too.

The engine is clean, but (surprise) leaks oil. And the sunroof (bigger surprise) leaks water. In fact, I've yet to meet a 2002 that doesn't leak water through the roof. We love that back in the day German makers would stamp their logo (Hi VW!) on every single engine component. I mean, they even stuck the roundel on top of the carb cover. So very, very cool.

Anybody left unbowed enough to argue that the new 3-Series is somehow good looking? We're smitten with this little sucker. Though, the bumper has to go.

Una mas para la caretera. Oh, also, it's for sale. $4,000. E-mail if you're interested.

Earlier this week, my recently X girlfriend came by my apartment for the awkward post relationship stuff exchange. And she was driving a 1973 Cherry Red BMW 2002, that her parents had bought for her just after the breakup. Talk about a way to get your mind off your troubles. As the little Bimmer drove away, I couldn't help but quote a magician named Gob and say, "I've made a huge mistake." So my question is, have you ever stayed in a relationship because of a car?

...I do remember quite fondly that my college girlfriend's best friend had a Honda Del Sol and whenever the three of us went anywhere, my girl had to sit on my lap. Was that part of the reason we were together for over 5 years? It didn't hurt. Much more memorable was a beautiful young lady I may or may not have met at the tail end of a binge of some sort. Ahem. Her mother — who was firgging loaded — felt that her little girl ought to have a safe, reliable car. So, she bought her an E34 540. And while this beautiful woman was easier on the eyes than most, I'm pretty sure I only put up with her endless drivel about astrology and auras because of the E34's throttle response. You?

In this corner, we have this Bavarian bully, which has been taken most of the way through a turbocharger installation. Imagine the fun you'll have when the boost kicks in and you start breaking drivetrain parts leave everything else on the road in your dust! Before that can happen, however, you'll need to deal with a few minor issues. For example, the turbocharger is fried and it looks like the plumbing isn't quite all there, and then there's the nagging question of whether the seller actually knew what he was doing when he put the engine together. On the happy side of the ledger, it does have a 5-speed, aftermarket sway bars, a limited-slip differential, and the body is in good shape. $3000 and it's your personal hell.

As we all know, the Japanese automakers have never backed down from their arrogant German counterparts, and this '71 Datsun 510 should be able to give the Turbo 2002 a run for its money, if not leave it in the weeds. Turbocharging is great, but we also dig a big, high-revving, naturally-aspirated four-banger under the hood, and with a 2.4-liter KA24DE under the hood, this 510 should get you arrested the first time you drive it accelerate like a striped ape. The seller is asking a thousand bucks more than the BMW's seller (in an ironic reversal of the original 510/2002 price ratio), but that's because it "runs good" (sic) and is rust-free; however, this ad has the scent of a seller who will respond favorably to a cash offer well below the asking price. The seller is a man or woman of few words, but we're pretty sure the statement "still a project" speaks volumes. What mysteries will you uncover as you dive into this car's innards? What scary corners have been cut? Most important, could it beat the Turbo 2002?

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