Unfortunately, "Chrysler New Yorker" only exists on four-track cassette tape, and my ol' Tascam Porta 01 died years ago. That means you don't get to hear that fine song, which thrilled dozens of Japanese college radio fans during the late 1980s. What you do get is the "music video" for the Murilee Arraiac song "Hajoi Hotai," which features the circa-1990 replacement of a 2-speed Powerglide with a junkyard Turbo Hydramatic 350 3-speed in a 1965 Impala. That's me with the Plumber Butt on the right left, and my friend ChunkyDeath on the right. Note ChunkyDeath's innovative "floor jack leg pump" maneuver.

Actually, you don't see many Alfas on the island, period; our last one was this '65 Giulia SS, which we saw last winter. Before that, we had this 164 L- a '91, just like today's car. What are the odds?

Alfa Romeo stopped selling cars in North America in 1995, and it was pretty clear to car shoppers that they'd be folding their tents for quite a while before that year. That means the original purchaser of this car loved the idea of a sporty Italian sedan so much that he or she didn't give a damn that the car would soon be an orphan, repairable only by cranky non-factory-authorized mechanics using parts shipped from Europe at fabulous expense. We can totally respect that decision.

I found this car parked about where I shot the 1932 Ford Model B and the Cressida Pizza Deliverator (apologies for the crappy camera-phone photos, but you use the camera you've got when you catch a car like this). It's obviously a driver, showing some signs of wear and tear. A vinyl top in 1991?

The Silver Spur II was the long-wheelbase version of the Silver Spirit, and it came with a built-in cellular telephone! The list price on this car was $159,000, or about $250K in 2009 dollars; these days, you can get a clean example for around 20 grand. Power comes from the venerable Rolls-Royce 412-cubic-inch V8, an engine family that has been in production since 1959.

You can usually find plenty of reasonably intact passenger-side seats at a wrecking yard, but I wanted a matching pair of buckets, narrow enough to fit the Sprite, with decent side support for the heavy G forces I'll be inducing with that oxcart highly sophisticated suspension, and in nice shape. Yes, that's pretty much impossible. But what's this? A 1991 Mazda Miata- a rare automatic-trans-equipped example- sitting among the Diamantes and Camrys in the import section of my local self-service junkyard… and the seats are just about perfect! They've even got the coveted headrest speakers, a real plus when you plan to install them in a rattly-ass British Leyland heap vintage sports car with a differential-shattering truck engine a spirited Japanese performance powerplant breathing through the cheapest glasspack I can find high-flow performance exhaust. Why didn't that driver's seat get snagged within 0.08 seconds of arrival on the yard?

Here's why: the car had been T-boned, hard, on the driver's side, and the driver's door was mashed into the seat and preventing it from sliding forward enough to provide access to the seat mounting bolts; the buckled floor wasn't helping matters, either. I could see the evidence of previous attempts at seat removal, but none had been successful. However, I always bring three secret weapons to the junkyard: a prybar and my steel-toed boots. After two hours of alternating expletive-picked door-prying sessions from the outside with even-more-expletive-packed door-kicking sessions from the inside, I succeeded in mutilating the door metal sufficiently to push the seat several inches forward- just enough so that I could just barely sneak a 14mm open-end wrench into the safety-glass-cube-packed space under the seat and get it onto the bolt head. Several square inches of shredded knuckle skin later, I had started both bolts turning (thank you, Japanese manufacturers and your insistence on high-quality fine-pitch fasteners). After that, it was just a matter of following these simple steps:

1. Spend several minutes positioning the wrench so that it feels as though it might be seated on the bolt head. Scream curses at the uncaring junkyard gods as another shard of glass goes under your fingernail.
2. Using all 1/16" of the available space, loosen the bolt approximately 3°. Curse yourself for deciding, several hours ago, that it wasn't worth the trip home to fetch a sledgehammer to bash that goddamn door completely out of the way and make this a three-minute job.
3. Repeat Step 1 and Step 2 until Bolt 1 is removed. Start over with Bolt 2.

Eventually, I prevailed. The seats were mine! They fit very nicely in the Sprite, and the tracks should be easy to mount. Now if I can just finish building the entire wiring harness from scratch...

You see, what we all really want to spend eternity with is a V12 Hell Project (actually, what I want is an inline 12, but that's another topic), and we can thank the Germans for really expanding our low-budget dodecahoonage options in recent years. That's twelve combustion chambers, each itching to free itself from the bonds of that confining head gasket seal… twelve sets of rings… bearings… twelve sets of everything, and none of it cheap! But the initial purchase of a V12 car- or cars- can be quite inexpensive, and thus is a true Eternal Damnation Project born!

We've done BMW 750iL Hell before, and we'll certainly do it again, since that fine machine ranks up there with the Citroën SM and Porsche 928 in the all-time annals of the Hell Garage. Today, though, we've got a 750iL that plumbs new depths attains a new zenith of perfection: this Pimp Ride 1991 750iL convertible (go here if the ad disappears), which is priced at a pimp-on-a-budget $2,000. What's that you say? BMW never made a convertible 750iL? Exactly! You'll have the only one in town! And don't worry that it's some kind of crude backyard Sawzall job that compromised the structural integrity of that hyper-engineered chassis, because the seller says it has a "PROFESSIONALLY INSTALLED POWER TOP." Man, you'll have the time of your life offending BMW purists with this thing (a worthy goal in itself), and all the while you'll be enjoying V12 power and Iceberg Slim-grade smoothness. There's no word on the condition of the notoriously fragile transmission or banks of fritzy computers, but a little optimism will seal your fate make everything fine!

Those Yurpeans weren't the only ones to build V12s, you know; Ford was putting L-head and flathead V12s in Lincolns and Zephyrs way back in 1932. In fact, the original "Hot Rod Lincoln" by Charlie Ryan specifically refers to the V12 engine by number of cylinders, unlike the incorrect cylinder count used by Commander Cody in his better-known cover version. Let's hear the original now:



Fine, you may be grumbling to yourself at this point, but isn't this just another Murilee Digression™? You can't get a V12 Lincoln for anywhere near the price of that BMW! Wrong-o, my friends! I've found two V12 Lincolns for 500 bucks less than the Pimp Ride 750iL Convert! Impossible to believe? Then check out this two-fer-one deal on a pair of 1946 Lincoln sedans (go here if the ad disappears), priced at $1,500 or best offer! Yes, all the gratuitous italicization in the world can't lend enough emphasis to the sheer once-in-a-lifetimeness of that deal, and I'd be lowering my property values improving my quality of life with these impossible easy projects right now, were they not located in Texas. There's rust. Most Some parts are missing. Some folks - bad people- might try to tell you that the first model year of postwar Lincolns had such small production numbers that parts won't exist at any price, but don't listen to 'em! The seller says the engine in one was "verified to turn over several months ago," and that's all you need to know. And the engine repair manual is available free online, thanks to the Old Car Manual Project. Nothing to fear!

Here's a car you don't see every day: a 1991 Olds Cutlass Calais Quad 442. The last of the Olds 442s! Unlike the Million Dollar '70 Olds 442, this one is priced- at the time of this writing- in the four-figure range, and it's a rare one- only 204 were built. The seller claims the 190-horse Quad Four was good for 14-second quarter-mile runs in this car, which is pretty good for a front-drive GM car of its era, and the styling is very much of its time. You could go faster for less money, but it's an interesting bit of Detroit musclecar history. Is $8,500 a Nice Price… or is it time to head over to Booth Numbah Two for the crack pipe?
[eBay Motors, thanks to Maymar for the tip.]

You know what really counts most in the hearts of rabid highly devoted Italian-car freaks aficionados? Originality. A low-mileage original Italian supercar is sure to shatter your sanity knock 'em dead, but the prices- holy crap! Still, if you're willing to expend a lot of blood a little elbow grease, you can find a nice original Lamborghini that's been rotting stored for a decade or three and get it back into shape in your very own torture chamber garage. Say, something like this 1971 Lamborghini Espada, which has only 49,000 miles on the clock. OK, pessimists, we don't need to hear your oh-so-knowing snide comments about the way it's been sitting for either 26 years or since 1973, whichever you prefer. Yeah, every single component that ever touched any sort of fluid or allowed electrons to flow through it is going to be completely shot need some tinkering, but there's no rust and the interior is nice. All you need to do is find a source for thousands of a few replacement parts and you'll be at the beginning of an endless, painful journey ready to go!

Here we go, for the first time ever: two PCH cars from the same seller! You can get an Espada pretty cheap, so where's the exclusivity, eh? What you need, my friend, is a shiny yellow Lamborghini Murcielago! We've found one that's been in an apocalyptic top-speed wreck a bit of a fender-bender, and the starting bid is only 76 grand! Yes, this 1991 2005 Lamborghini Murcielago is completely destroyed has some damage, and we're pretty sure the seller is keenly regretting his sarcastic statement "Small little damage in the back, but otherwise ready to go." As we know, sarcasm is "common in the salvage industry," and remember: "If you are a girly man, idiot, freeloader, lunatic or other incompetent; please do not bid." You aren't allowed to go look at the car in person, sorry. But still, how hard could it be? It's a real Murcielago!

Anyone who grows up messing with cars in Alameda will eventually come into possession of some sort of wretched patched-up beater of a 60s motorboat, even if that person knows nothing whatsoever about nautical crap. Someone will offer you a boat/trailer combo as part of a deal on a car, and you figure an engine is an engine, right? Next thing you know, you're roaring around on the Bay with all the required gear on board: boombox, cooler full of beer, and pirate flag. Of course, for every hour on the water you'll spend ten hours taking that goddamn outboard apart, fishing your car keys out of the water by the boat ramp, explaining to the Coast Guard why you don't have any life jackets or other required gear, etc., but you don't think about that stuff when you first score that $50 boat. The photo above shows me (left) and some of my scurvy friends lowering the value of all the rich folks' sailboats out near Alcatraz, circa 1993.


An important part of low-end boat ownership in Alameda is the whole parking thing. Your neighbors will hate you and your boat, once it's sat for more than a few days on their block, and communication with them will take place entirely through increasingly hostile notes. This one indicates that the battle is in its early stages; note the lack of profanity and/or enraged scrawl. By the way, I shot these photos over a month ago and the boat is still there.


Wouldn't this fine machine look right being towed to the Grand Street boat ramp behind the tow-ready '64 Olds Jetstar 88?


I'm saying this thing is a '71, but that's just because that's the date on the oldest Coast Guard sticker I could see on it; maybe it's a lot older and one of you Evinrude experts can give us a more accurate date of manufacture for this vessel. For now, admire how good it looks with a hot-rodded Fox Mustang in the foreground.

Looking up the Wikipedia entry for this car, I learned a really cool Alfa fact: in Chinese, "164" sounds like "all the way to death." For that reason, the 164 was badged as a 168 in Hong Kong. Of course, Alfa Romeo's profits from North America still went all the way to death by 1995, so this car is one of the last Alfas you could buy here.


In 1991, you could buy a brand new 164L for $27,500. That was about 7 grand cheaper than the least expensive BMW 5 series that year, but 5 grand more than a new '91 Cressida. The Cressida was probably faster, more comfortable, 4000% easier to service, and had an expected lifespan approximately 50 times longer than that of the 164, but who cares? Look at how pretty the Pininfarina car is! Come on, life's too short! Yes, such were the thoughts that doubtless went through the mind of the car shopper who purchased this car back in the days of Gulf War I. And look- it's still running 18 years later!

The BMW E23 745i was quite a machine, with the 252 horses churned out by its turbocharged/intercooled 3.2 or 3.4 liter I6 representing a very impressive figure for its era, but they weren't sold in North America. BMW shoppers had to make do with the naturally-aspirated 733i and 735i over here… that is, unless a buyer was willing to brave the wilds of the gray-market import jungle and bring one over from Europe. Many were willing, surprisingly enough, and you can get one for yourself if you're willing to do a little digging… and a lot of wrenching. If you're in a penny-pinching mood, you can find a cheapo 733 and a trashed 745 and join the two in unholy matrimony, like the seller of this '83 745i/'78 733i combo (go here if the ad disappears) was attempting to do before he or she ran out of time and money. The 745i was allegedly running when parked in March (the year isn't specified, but we'll be charitable and assume the seller means 2008 and not 1995), and it "still needs some love, but what 4dr 600hp classic luxury sedan doesnt." Hey, this must be one of those rare 600 horsepower E23s that BMW offered to its really special customers back then! There's no price given, but given the impossible somewhat challenging nature of this project and the tough economic times, we figure you'll be able to pick up both cars for the price of a 15-year-old Nissan Sentra.

Turbocharging is fun and all, but a big V8 directing mountain-moving torque loads through all four wheels is even better, yes? Yes! The early Audi V8 was a real monster, with 276 horses harnessed to the Quattro all-wheel-drive system in dauntingly complicated perfect harmony… but you couldn't buy one in North America! What is it with those damn Germans, keeping all the good stuff for themselves? Not to worry, though, because some Americans were willing to tread ink in the paperwork lagoon long enough to get themselves a shiny new V8 Quattro back in the early 90s, and- can you believe it?- now they've become fairly affordable. Think we're joking? Then take a gander at this here '91 Audi V8 Quattro (go here if the ad disappears) for the '92 Mazda 323-esque price of just $1,295. That's right, you can buy this car for a tiny fraction of the customs fees its original owner handed to the feds to get the car into the country in the first place! Isn't depreciation a wonderful thing? It seems to be in perfect condition, too… oh, wait, there's that bit about "Tiny oil leak, airbag and antilock lights are on." Well, how hard can a gusher out the rear main seal valve cover gasket leak be to fix, eh? And those warning lights- they're almost certainly just symptoms of total and catastrophic ECU failure minor glitches in the wiring; you'll have 'em sorted out years minutes after you tow drive your new white elephant daily driver home!

You know that cash-strapped police departments aren't going to have any money to replace their old Crown Vics with faster machinery once the Financiapocalypse really gets rolling, and budget money for helicopters? Forget it! In order to catch moonshine runners, they're going to have to do so at speeds of 130 MPH or less, which means a powerful, sophisticated German car should be able to stay safely ahead of John Law. Remember, though, that you need something big enough for substantial tanks of "whiskey" or "vodka" or whatever label the cartel wants to slap on their bottles, and the suspension must be able to cope with the added weight of all that highly flammable fluid sloshing around. That's why you need the might of a V12 and the heft of an 8 Series chassis, but how to get one without spending too much of your stash of gold ingots? Hey, bust out $5,750 of your soon-to-be-toilet-paper fiat currency, before The Fed gets all the printing presses rolling at full tilt, because this 1991 BMW 850i- conveniently located in moonshine-friendly Tennessee- is ready to go! It's "a serious car that needs just a little attention," so you figure a few turns of the wrench, the addition of a stainless steel (or rusty steel, to add healthy iron and nice "aged in oak" coloring) tank, and you'll be rollin' like Bob Mitchum!

You really think the revenoors ain't gonna upgrade their fleets with confiscated cars the minute chaos envelops the cities and the bread lines turn into something out of the Battle Of Hue? Brother, you know John Law is going to be 200 MPH-capable when that day comes; those that aren't running down moonshiners in ZR1s and R8s are going to be stuffing supercharged 5.4 engines in their Police Interceptors, and then where will your fancy-schmancy BMW be? We can't say what will happen to your car when they catch you, but you'll be sucking down lead fumes in the Tough On Crime Penitentiary™ Battery Recycling Plant, and you don't want that. That's why what you need is stealth- a car that blends right in, yet still has the speed to make the occasional high-speed dash to the finish line. Say, something like this 2003 Mercury Marauder, which is essentially a warmed-up Crown Victoria Police Interceptor and can be had, in this case, for just $5,500. Don't worry about the seller's statement "MADE A MECHANICAL REPAIR TO THE VEHICLE AND THE OWNER DITCHED IT," because the post-Financiapocalypse world will be full of easy and cheap ways to get totally realistic-looking registration documents. Of course, you'll need to do something about the engine, but F150 Lightning drivetrains ought to be getting pretty cheap by now. There's room aplenty for the requisite white-liquor tank, and a suspension built to withstand endless impacts with curbs and speed bumps should be able to take the pounding administered by logging roads and potholed post-collapse city streets better than anything out of Bavaria!

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This car parks in front of the same house that was once home to the '85 Peugeot 505, and it's visible in the background of the shots of that car. However, that 505 sedan is now gone… replaced by a 505 wagon. Don't worry, Peugeot fans, we'll check out that car later on.


Only 2,223 Peugeots were sold in the United States in 1991, prompting Peugeot Motors Of America to say "See ya!" and close up shop. This car sold new for $17,770, which wasn't too bad for a European sedan at that time; the BMW 318i came with a price tag nearly $2,500 higher. However, when you could get a Honda Accord sedan for $12,825 that year, Americans weren't going to roll the dice on a brand that never was able to shake a rep for abysmal reliability built up during the Malaise Era.

1)You get in your Alfa in the morning and it doesn’t start, you,
A)Hop in one of your other cars and look forward to an evening of tinkering on the Spider.
B)Call AAA to tow the car to Bob’s and curse “that damn Alfa”.

2)You notice an oil spot on the driveway under the Alfa, you,
A)Put a drip tray under it
B)Call AAA to tow the car to Bob’s and curse “that damn Alfa”.

3)A clip breaks on the top boot, you,
A)Hit #1 on your speed dial and order another one from International.
B)Call AAA to tow the car to Bob’s and curse “that damn Alfa”.
C)Who needs a stinkin top boot?

If you answered B to any of the questions, don't call, you need a Miata. If you answered A, you’ll like this car.

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