Well, probably not- a career of filming Ukrainian junkies performing lewd acts with surplus Soviet Navy dental gear requires more dedication to one's craft than I can muster. Anyway, during 1984 and 1985 I put together a few short Super 8 films, with my sleazeball friends as cast and plenty of beater vehicles. You've already seen the protagonist of The Green Death, a cautionary sex-education film warning America's youth of a brain-dissolving STD, siphoning gas for his '68 Cyclone, and now I've dug up a few outtakes from The Phone Police, a crypto-documentary showing the psychosurgical methods employed by lab-coated, Ford Granada-driving rent-a-cops employed by The Bell System. We've got the beater 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air owned by my friend Willy (seen here flying off the hood of his car) and the evil ex-rental-car 1979 Ford Granada that spent most of the 1980s as La Familia Martin's vehicular punching bag; I believe it had already been wrecked and repaired with junkyard parts on three occasions at the time of The Phone Police's shooting.

That approach made sense, because Datsun dealers were getting tired of all the lust-crazed car shoppers passing them by in favor of custom vans equipped with purple shag carpeting and airbrushed bongs that matched the paint job. Emphasizing the car's "SX appeal" shouldn't have been necessary, though, because the Mid-Malaise 200SX was a good-looking machine that offered decent performance for the time: 97 horsepower in a 2,300-pound, rear-wheel-drive car wasn't too bad by '77 standards.

Let's take a look at the others before we admire today's street survivor:

First, this '72.

Another '72.

Yet another '72.

This '76.

This '77 Traveler.

And this final-year '80. OK, now on to today's truck!


This truck, built during the next-to-last year of Scout production, lives just around the corner from the super-clean '64 Galaxie 500 convertible we saw last weekend. It appears to be a daily driver. Who needs cup holders and faux wood dash trim?

Some might say that Alameda- which is quite urban, completely paved, snow-free, and lacking in any hills of any sort- isn't the kind of place where a Scout makes sense. We disagree, however; a Scout always makes sense!

Here we see a trio of hip Cutlass buyers choosing their Middle Malaise Era rides of choice. The Cutlass Supreme offered "style, value and good gas mileage," while the Cutlass Calais boasted bucket seats, special suspension, and full instrumentation." Naturally, the Cutlass Supreme Brougham was the pinnacle, with "richness inside you'd expect in bigger, more expensive cars."

The Spirit was built on the aging Gremlin chassis, and you could even get a not-so-quick AMX version. Still, we'd have taken the Spirit over the Chevette, if only for the possibility of getting a 304 V8 with a 4-speed.

Of course, that comparison isn't really fair, since the EPA used to run the "highway" test at a much lower speed, plus the Versa has all manner of safety gear and luxury accessories that 210 owners only dreamed about. Still, you'd think that we'd have made more progress on fuel economy in 30 years, no?

The area in which Tomsk shot these cars is an old stomping ground of mine, from back in my college days. Yes, when my hobbies included siphoning gas from a '68 Mercury whilst clad in a Dark Angel shirt and generally lowering UC Irvine's property values. In fact, this yellow Corolla sure looks like the one my freshman-year girlfriend had Earl Scheib shoot in "Sun Yellow" for $59.95 (seatbelts, tires, tailpipe, and all), if you assume that 20 years of Southern California sunshine might take a fearsome toll on a cheap paint job. We've also got a first-gen RX-7, of the sort that's getting seriously rare on the street these days. Tomsk describes them thus:

This early first-gen RX-7 looks to be a genuine survivor, from the jewel-like wheels to the badge one the rear proudly proclaiming the powerplant as 100% piston-free. Sure, the right front fender has seen a little action, but on the whole, you'd be pretty hard pressed to find a nicer example that doesn't live in a climate-controlled garage.

Aside from a full-tilt-boogie AE86, this Malaise Era Toyota Corolla 2-door is about as far removed from today's Maytag-esque Corolla as a car with the same name can get. Evidence: P*ssy magnet yellow paint, abundance of surfing-related stickers in the windows, and badges that proudly read "Deluxe" and "5 speed."

In fact, he's shot so many interesting cars and trucks down on the Newport Beach and Costa Mesa streets that I have no choice but to share some of them. We've seen other Tomsk DOTSBE cars before, and we're sure to see more in the future, since rust-free Orange County is loaded to the gunwales with old iron. First up is this trio of Malaise Detroit Iron, with each of the Big Three represented: a 1978 Buick LeSabre, a 1979 Lincoln Continental Mark V, and a 1974 Plymouth Duster. Technically, a Duster isn't a "Yank Tank," but imagine it parked next to some spindly Renault 5 and it might as well have clanking treads and a guy named "Sarge" at the wheel. Here's what Tomsk has to say about these fine machines:

1974 Plymouth Duster: Everybody loves Dusters, possibly because they attract comely young lasses like Ethel, but also because it was such a clean design. My research seems to suggest this is a '74, though the Mopar fanatics are welcome to correct me if need be. It even has the original "Plymouth Division" dog dishes. Le sigh...

1979 Lincoln Mark V: Picture this: It's 1978, and you need a snazzy, two-door way to get from one of your hoes to the next. Price is no object, as your girls make you more scratch than you know what to do with, nor is size, because you were a mildly successful truck driver before you decided to try your hand at pimping.
What to buy? You could get a Rolls Camargue or a Mercedes 450 SLC, but your father had instilled a strong sense of patriotism and respect for the American worker during those formative years where he beat you to a pulp while you cowered helplessly in your crib.
Okay, so it has to be American. A Cadillac Eldorado? No, because when Daddy wasn't wailing on you while pontificating on the evils of foreign goods, he was wailing on you while pontificating on the evils of front-wheel drive. "ONLY RUST-PRONE, COMMIE-MADE SHITBOXES SHOULD HAVE THAT LAYOUT!!!!" he'd bellow as he pummeled your still quite soft cranium with your favorite rattle.
So, no Caddy for you, then. How about the Chrysler Cordoba? That's a non-starter, too, as the accent of that car's pitchman reminds you of the time you caught your mom and the gardner playing "the game only grownups can play."
That leaves...the Lincoln Continental Mark V. But when you get to the Lincoln-Mercury dealer, you don't order any old Mark V. Oh, no sir; you plunk down the extra cash for the mofuggin' Cartier edition. When your customers see that name on the opera windows, they'll say to themselves, "This guy is the real deal. I should probably pay up, because if I don't, he probably will knock me out, stuff me into a safe, and drop aforementioned safe into the river."

Excellent choice, sir. Excellent choice.

Outside of North America, it was known as the Fiat 131, but to us it will always be the legendary Brava. What a fine project car a Brava would make, with its rear-wheel-drive layout and Italian soul, but you just can't find one these days. We'll have to settle for yet another 124 Spider, looks like… but wait! This 1979 Fiat Brava (go here if the ad disappears) is for sale, and the price is a lire-pinching $1,200! The seller says "Runs great, motor/trans tight," and it's been lowered and has a Spider rear axle swap. Were those modifications done with safety and reliability in mind? You'll find out!

When you're talking Fiat-Chrysler deals, the conversation is going to turn to the Chrysler TC By Maserati sooner or later; after all, Fiat owns Maserati now, and Chrysler owned a piece of Maserati during the Iacocca Era. We've seen the TC in the Hell Garage before, and for good reason: K-car underpinnings, Maserati branding, and turbocharging make for endless nightmares fun in the garage. In our search for just the right TC, we've found our Truth In Advertising Award winner for January, with this 1989 Chrysler TC by Maserati (go here if the ad disappears). With lines such as "I am looking forward to failing at selling it so I can go back to the owner and humbly request permission to have it crushed into little satisfying bits," you know you've got a motivated seller here. Most folks trying to sell a TC assume that the Maserati emblems mean that the car is worth 10 grand, minimum, and it takes them about 19 months of the car sitting at that price before they realize that there's something wrong with people and take it off the market. That means it's really tough to find one for just a grand, but: motivated seller in this case. It doesn't run. There are dents. The interior is sub-nice. But so what? Maserati!

What we've got here is an original, 32,000-mile, modified-back-in-the-day 1979 Dodge van with all the right custom features. Let's run down the list: Shag carpeting on every possible surface? Check! Airbrush mural featuring science-fiction interplanetary landscapes? Check! La-Z-Boy chair? Check! Stereo with dual analog equalizers and 23-channel CB radio? Check, check, checkmate! It goes without saying that you'd need to have every Foghat 8-track every released if you owned this van… but you might have a tough time fitting all those tapes into your budget, because this fine machine ain't exactly what you'd call cheap: $15,000. That hurts, but you're going to have a tough time finding a time-capsule custom van in this kind of condition. Nice Price? Crack Pipe?
[Craigslist Dallas, go here if ad disappears. Thanks to Chris for the tip]

Our time-machine has the dial on 1979, and the location is São Paulo, to be more specific the VW booth at the "Salão do Automóvel"
See how forward thinking we were, a car on ethanol, does that not sound familiar today?
On the other hand the forward thinking stood still with the booth babes they looked more "nun" than "babe", also the air-cooled boxer was a best-seller.

This stretch of road is a popular spot to park cars for sale, since the traffic is so heavy. This Caddy, however, has no For Sale sign in sight; it may belong to the resident of a nearby apartment building, or it may be abandoned (this car has the telltale purple window tint, indicating that it is probably on its last owner). The APD is vigilant about this sort of thing, so a date with a tow truck may be in the offing.


These things listed at $21,735 from the factory, or about 65 grand in 2008 dollars. Power was provided by a 195-horse 425 (with 320 foot-pounds-o-torque, so it wasn't as sluggish as the horsepower number indicates).

We've seen the Porsche 928 in the Hell Garage before; in fact, we've had more 928s here than any other car! Why is that, you ask? They were insanely expensive, insanely hard to fix, and insanely (for their time) fast, and non-perfect ones are available for the same insanely low price as a 15-year-old Corolla, that's why! It goes without saying that everyone associated with the 24 Hours of LeMons race is praying for a 928 to show up, because it may well be the perfect car for that race: looks like a great race car on paper, glowing with cocaine-dealer aura, and 99.999% likely to disintegrate on the track. Now, we've never seen a running one for 500 bucks, but any 928 should contain sufficient eBay-able components to make cars in the $1000-$1500 price range fit the LeMons budget. We've found this '78 928 (go here if the ad disappears) located in Southern California- just in time for the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza race in December! The seller says he "was told by my mechanic that all it need to start running was a new fuel pump," so there ya go! It should fire right up once you rig up a junkyard pump out of a 280ZX (we're pretty sure a Porsche pump sells for $11,987 and requires 26 weeks ship time). And look at how nice it is- you're sure to find a gold mine of parts to sell!

Why don't racers ever run big rear-drive Japanese luxury cars at the 24 Hours of LeMons? Japanese cars are reliable, right? Forget about those head-gasket-popping Integras and CRXs, those breadstick-strength control arms of the RX-7s, and the beercan-grade construction of the FX16 Corollas! Instead, slide behind the wheel of an early-90s Mazda 929, Infiniti Q45, or Lexus LS400 and enjoy repeated breakdowns certain victory at Thunderhill while showing your sense of style and class. Can you really get such a fine automobile for a LeMons-appropriate price? That's like asking "Do Yakuza hit men have tattoos?" Of course you can! Why, I was able to find this '91 Lexus LS400 (go here if the ad disappears) after just a couple of minutes searching California Craigslist ads. The seller wants 800 bucks, but that ain't gonna happen, not with that crumpled sheetmetal and 190K miles on the clock; between the $600 you'll pay for it and the $400 worth of stuff you'll sell on eBay, this car might as well have "THUNDERHILL EXPRESS" painted on it right now. You'll get a 256-horse V8 (more than the Crown Vics that did so well in Toledo) and a weight you'll be able to get below 3,000 pounds once you rip out all the luxury crap, giving you the kind of performance that will have racers in lesser cars loaning you tools in the pits pounding their steering wheels with rage as you roar past. Oh sure, so-called veteran racers might point out that non-Detroit automatic transmissions- particularly those with nearly 200,000 miles on them- usually blow up in endurance races, and maybe you'll cut a crucial engine-control wire or two as you gut the interior, and the LS400's vast bulk might win it a date with the People's Curse excavator after you punt a few subcompacts into the tire barriers, but winners don't dwell on the negative!

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As you know, one of my favorite things to do is walk home from a party and hope I'll see something cool along the way (that's how I saw the DAF). Last Friday was no exception, around 11.30 pm, I was walking home and saw a graffiti that made me laugh : "Bruce"; not original but seemed hillarious at the time.

Then 2mins after Bruce, I saw a Simca 1100, my parent's first car ; I remember loving the glorious sound of its engine (probably faulty exhaust in retrospect) and deeply hearting that car. Ours was red/Orange, this one's green but it'll do.

A nearby restaurant owner told me it belongs to an old curmudgeon who doesn't drive it in winter but has been parking his car in this neighborhood for ever (must be a fair-weather Simca).

I came back the next day and the car was still there. Plenty of rust, but all the moving parts seem ok; exhaust also. Though this is a Simca, the grille they put in says Talbot, which had really confused me the previous night (not an absinthe evening, but Calvados works fine also I assure you) but actually tells us about its year:

With the unveiling of the Talbot name to replace Chrysler in July 1979, in France and other European markets the cars were renamed Talbot Simca 1100s, with Talbot badges on the bonnet and Simca badges on the tailgates. So this is the base version, the LS with 53 bhp, from 1979 or 1980. I love the rims, the three spoke steering wheel, and the hatchback design. cult car for me.

I tell you what, every time I see that three-across seating layout of the Matra Bagheera, it makes me ache for a Bagheera to call my own. You figure all the possible automotive seating layouts had been established a century ago, and then here come the French with a totally new approach. Sure, it's a crazy approach, but that's why we love French cars so much! The Murena was the successor to the Bagheera, and the seller of this '80 Matra Murena is quick to point out that "Only 6 are known to exist here." Stressing about hard-to-find parts? No need! This Murena is in "very good condition considering the age of the car," so what could it need? Turnkey operation, for sure- hey, this thing can hardly be considered a project at all! Well, the transmission is hosed ("deliberate and not fast shifts at high revs usually eliminates or lessens problem with 2nd gear"), there's a big crack in a rear fender (plastic body, just like a Fiero!), and no doubt some other surprises. Thanks to UDMan for the tip!

You've got to love that Matra, but where's the power? If you're going to plunge yourself into the never-ending agony infinitely rewarding world of French car ownership, don't you want something fast? Sure you do, and that's why Teargas has found us this 1979 Alpine A310. The '79 A310 was powered by the exact same Peugeot-Renault-Volvo V6 drivetrain as the one used in the De Lorean DMC-12, and if that's not a great reason to buy a car... well, there's really not much more to say, is there? Just like the Murena, the transmission in this car has some issues with second gear. You'll get around to fixing that problem, just as soon as you synchronize the six Weber carburetors. Yes, six- got to have one carb per cylinder in a true performance car, right? The windshield is cracked, but you get a new one (list price: $2,800, which should give you some idea of the cost of every single part, no matter how insignificant, on this car), and there's the somewhat disturbing statement "it was setup for rally and raced before that-by the previous ownder" in the description. Best of all, a "sterling silver Alpine collectible keychain" comes with the deal.

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Those stacked headlights and monstrous turn signal lights are as 1979 as odd-even gas days. Hey, maybe we'll have those again!


Even though cartrucks aren't really set up for serious heavy hauling, this Ranchero's bed is spacious enough to really test the limits of that LTD rear suspension. How much gravel can you haul in one load? How many pinball machines? How many street-sign shooting armed drunks and associated cases of Mickey's Big Mouth? Cartruck tradition is firmly behind the "test the load limits" school of thought.


You got a 151-horse 351 when you bought a new 1979 Ranchero. Don't dwell on that fact that the '09 Camry's base four-banger gets 158 horsepower out of 144 cubes, because the Ranchero has character!