Face it, what does the $9,000,000 '62 Ferrari 330 have that a Malaise Era Alfa or Lancia doesn't have? Wait, don't answer that! Instead, consider this: for around 1/9000th the price, you can have a sporty machine from the very same country!

What kind of car can you get for $1,250 these days? Maybe a 15-year-old Sentra, speckled with shopping-cart dings and filled with the smell of countless spilled McDonald's chocolate shakes? Or an Olds Cutlass Ciera with a potato for a gas cap and Bondo-and-rust clusters falling off on every speed bump? How depressing! But wait- what if we were to find you a genuine Alfa Romeo GTV for that price? A car with just 58,000 miles on the clock, because more than half its life has been spent sitting in a garage… waiting for you to rescue it? No, really! Here's a "garage find" '74 Alfa Romeo GTV (go here if the listing disappears) for next to nothing. It appears to be complete, and the seller says the "motor and tranny seem to be somewhat clean and oil free," which we hope isn't referring to their innards. Who knows, it will never might start right up with a simple tune-up! You might need to do a little metal cutting and pasting once you do have it running, because the seller admits that it has "all the usual rust problems of an alfa," and the registration paperwork will require negotiating labyrinths of bureaucracy you never imagined existed a bit of work, due to the car's "unknown title." Is an unknown title worse than a missing one? Never you mind about that stuff- just buy this project and start enjoying the benefits of an Italian basket case daily driver in about 10 years no time!

Everyone loves an Alfa, of course, but what would Fabio drive? A Lancia, of course! You can still buy Fabio's Appia, which hasn't dropped in price by a single lira in the last couple of years, but you might not have the pecs and/or hair to pull off looking cool in a cute little sedan. But buy this '75 Lancia Beta (go "http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jalopnik/2009/11/75_lanciabeta-ss.jpg"/>here if the listing disappears) and you'll find your image on the covers of paperback bodice-rippers within weeks of getting it running. Of course, that might be akin to cleaning the Augean stables a couple of weekends of work, considering that it needs a "new timing belt to run and a little TLC" (translation for those of you who don't speak Craigslist-ese: "Something terrible is wrong with the engine, including what you hope will be just the timing belt"). But hey, Mr. or Ms. Thousandaire, imagine yourself behind the wheel of a genuine Italian sports coupe and it will all seem worthwhile.

Known as the Datsun 140J in Europe and the Nissan Violet in Japan, the Datsun 710 was priced between the sporty 610 and the bare-bones B210 in the North American market. You got a 100-horsepower L20 in your $3,469 2-door 710 in 1975, which was pretty steep compared to the $2,769 Pinto or the $2,786 Vega. In fact, $3,195 would have bought you a brand-new '75 Dodge Dart with a V8... but inflation and crazy gas prices were making the Datsuns look pretty good to car buyers back then.

It's always fun when I can get more than one DOTS car in a single photograph, as we see here with the '73 BMW 2002tii in the background.

Yes, it's a 1975 BMW 530i done up in Jägermeister Gruppe 5 flares, orange paint, and antlers. Rusty Bolt Racing managed to beat out a pretty tough IOE field, including a Fiat 124 Spider, a Plymouth Acclaim, and a Chrysler Sebring; the car was quite slow, but it kept going around and around and only lost a single wheel flare over the course of the weekend.

I'm proud to say that I had a small role in this triumph; back when the team was still wondering what to do with their newly-obtained bright orange future LeMons car, they emailed me to ask if I thought a Dukes Of Hazzard theme would be a good idea. We've had a few variations on the General Lee in LeMons already (including a Chevy Nova and a Nissan Sentra), so I suggested they keep brainstorming. This fine race car is what they came up with. Good work, Rusty Bolt Racing!

The Organizer's Choice Award went to the Barfing Duck Saturn SL Batmobile. There's quite a story behind this car…

At the LeMons South Spring '09 race, Team Barfing Duck had such a lame theme- some sort of "Driver Ed" thing- that we forced them to Sawzall a spoiler out of their trunk lid. They didn't whine about it, but they also gave no hints about the awesomeness that was to come.

One of the team members let his son use the car for his college commute (betcha he was the only student on campus with a caged Saturn), and a little tree-cutting mishap ended up crushing it while parked. What to do now?

Simple! Just chop the top, add fins and some black paint, and you've got a fairly credible Batmobile. The weight savings helped on the track, too, with the Barfing Ducks nailing down an excellent 9th-place finish. Congratulations!

The much-sought-after Heroic Fix Award went to the anti-Obama-themed, Soviet-flag-bedecked Hong Norr CRX. I've done a few Civic engine swaps, so I know what a knuckle-shredding ordeal it can be; that's why it was so impressive that the Hong Norr guys went through four engines over the course of the weekend (they're CRX drag racers and brought a big stash of nitrous-thrashed engines with death rattles). In the photo above, we see the final engine going up in flames.

You can still get a few of these scoops today, but never again will owners of custom vans, jacked-up Plymouth Satellites, and V8 Vegas have a selection like this. Many of these scoops are more or less loosely based on Big Three Detroit stuff, while many show obvious signs of Acapulco Gold inspiration. Which one would look best on your daily driver? I'm thinking my Civic would look good with the '67 Corvette-influenced scoop, flanked by a pair of Fairlane Thunderbolt-esque "Bubble Style" scoops, and my Crown Victoria is just crying out for a Vega Style Stinger scoop. We've got names and prices (keep in mind that the 1975 buck was worth approximately four 2009 bucks) with each scoop in the gallery below.

One Piece Pro Ram, $64.98
Ford Style Pro Ram, $39.98
T-Bird Type, $12.98
1967 Corvette Type Scoop With Spoiler, $29.98
Corvette Ram Injector (L88) Type, $39.98
Early Ramcharger Style, $32.98
Mopar Style Pro Ram, $44.98
Z28 Camaro, $44.98
"Six Pack" Type, $44.98
Bubble Style, $14.98
7" Tunnel Ram Scoop, $34.98
GT350 Shelby, $11.98
Tunnel Ram, $24.98
Hemi-Cuda Style, $29.98
Cobra Jet, $19.98
Two Piece Pro Ram, $59.98
Mini Scoop, $6.98
Tunnel Ram III, $29.98
Compact Scoop, $6.98
GM Style Pro Ram, $39.98
"Boss" Mustang Style, $34.98
Tunnel Ram II, $29.98
Injector Scoop, $14.98
69 Camaro Pace Car Type, $34.98
Mustang GT500 Style, $29.98
Vega Style Stinger, $27.98

This is our third MGB, after this '71 MGB-GT and this '73 MGB (some might say that this super-rare '69 MGC-GT counts as an MGB as well).

The "black bumper" MGs don't get much affection from the purists, partly because of the ugly 5 MPH crash bumpers, partly because of the DOT-mandated tall ride height, partly because of the increasingly horrible British Leyland build quality, but mostly because of the 62.5-horsepower engine. Yes, this car was so miserably underpowered that MG actually claimed a half-horsepower in the rating. However, since this one is a '75, it's exempt from California's emission laws. That means its owner is free to add go-fast goodies to his or her heart's content.

We really wanted to swap in a more potent small-block Ford and take the V8olvo to the dragstrip, then put the LeMons engine back in when we were done burning rubber and howling at the moon, but that fragile Dana 30 rear could never stand up to the abuse. It's on the ragged edge of disintegration right now, being road-raced with a 1986 Ford 302. Hellhammer had two choices: make the existing race car LeMons-ineligible by blowing the budget and putting a beefy Ford 9" or GM 12-bolt in it… or buy another cheap Volvo 240 and make a super-sleeper drag car out of it, keeping the Black Metal V8olvo on the LeMons circuit. And if you're going to do that, why, you might as well get the sporty two-door 242, preferably a '75 so's the smog cops don't kick down your door (1976 and newer vehicles must pass emissions tests in California). And, as luck would have it, Hellhammer did some horse-trading and now has a healthy 450-horse stroker small-block Chevy sitting in his garage, right next to a drag-ready Powerglide. As we already know, the Chevy fits nicely in the Volvo 240 engine compartment.

So, eventually the List That Is Craig's produced a long-dormant 1975 Volvo 242, sunk to its axles in the redwoods and ferns of the Santa Cruz mountains and priced down in scrap-metal territory. Bay Area law-enforcement types will tell you that these hills are a body-dump magnet for murderers from throughout the region, since it's freeway convenient, yet remote enough that suspicious eyes won't be on your digging in the nice soft shovel-friendly dirt… and you definitely get a weird, haunted vibe tromping through the woods in search of a cheap car (the secret meth labs and their twitchy, heavily-armed workers add a frisson of real danger to the experience as well). The guy selling the car was the property owner, but he was out of state and just mailed Hellhammer the key and bill of sale; we hooked up the trailer and ventured down some winding single-lane roads to find the car. There it was, right next to a long-abandoned Transporter!


The back window was busted out, so the interior was pretty icky after 10 years of exposure to the elements, but the mechanical stuff all looked solid. The junkyards are overflowing with well-cared-for Volvo 240s, so it's no sweat to find interior components in nice shape.


Some critter had been nesting in the engine compartment for quite a while. That old B21 isn't frozen and might work fine- and, in fact, there's been some crazy talk going around about building a Volvo-powered LeMons Spitfire- but it's going to need all those gnawed wires and hoses replaced. For now, it's going to sit in the weeds behind Hellhammer's garage, with all the other future project engines.


A couple hours of digging, cursing, and wrestling of floor jacks in the mud were required to get some good wheels and tires onto the car, enabling us to hook up a chain and drag it out with Hellhammer's beater Chevy pickup. Then we had a really exciting adventure rolling it down a long driveway to the main road, the nearest level spot to get it onto the trailer; this task was made (slightly) easier by the semi-functioning brakes. That's right, a Volvo can sit in the woods for 15 years and the brakes will still work! His plan is to get the body and interior looking good, then set it up as a street sleeper/weekend drag racer machine.

This one's rough, but it's more "fixer-upper" rough than "downward spiral" rough, if I'm guessing correctly. It doesn't seem to drive much, but it has the look of a car with some spare parts waiting for it in the garage… and someday they'll be installed!


1975 is the newest a California non-diesel vehicle can be and still be exempted from the dreaded emissions test. That means that you can do something to upgrade the horsepower on this car from the factory 98 to a number with three digits, all the while staying legal. With all those junkyard 3-series engines available for next to nothing, the owner of this car has plenty of affordable and fun options to choose from. How about Megasquirt with dual throttle bodies?
Once you're done checking out the gallery, be sure to vote in the 1975 DOTS poll- remember, they're all smog-exempt here in the Golden State!

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The Nova Custom was the mid-level trim package; you could get get the '75 Custom sedan for $3,415, and for another 75 bucks you'd have one with that lo-po 350 I mentioned earlier.


Of course, since 1975 and older cars are smog-exempt in California, there's nothing stopping the owner of this car from adding, say, 300 additional horsepower using cheap off-the-shelf performance parts. I'm often tempted to go the Nova + small-block route for my next project car, though I'd probably use one of the Buick/Olds/Pontiac Nova clones.


The Chevy dog-dishes look great on this car, which has been serving as basic transportation since Gerald Ford was in the White House. The four-door mid-70s Nova doesn't have enough collector value to survive on "classic" status, so this one is still with us thanks to its usefulness as a motor vehicle.

Since photographing this car downtown, I've found where it parks when off duty. Yes, it's a 33-year-old daily-driven Toyota. Who needs power door locks and cup holders?


According to the original California smog sticker, this Celica has the indestructible 20R engine. Only 90 horses, but they'd keep galloping for hundreds of thousands of miles.


2,270 pounds. That's 23 pounds less than the tiny '09 Yaris... and the Celica has rear wheel drive! Which one would you take? Airbags or character?

Datsun 280Zs are a dime a (rusty) dozen, but you don't see many mid-70s Fairladies in North America; it seems that those willing to go through the hassle of importing a classic JDM Nissan tend to go for the earlier models. Right-hand-drive, weird badges, and the utter impossibility of passing any sort of emissions test- sign us up! They're tough to find over here, but if you've got $1,200 burning a hole in your wallet you can buy this '75 Nissan Fairlady. Yes, just barely over a grand! You won't be able to just fire it right up, though; as the seller says: "It has been stored and has not been ran for a few years now and is looking a bit rough." See those tiny, blurry photos? Looks like a challenge, but it gets even better- those shots "were taken prior to storing so it looks a lot dirtier and rougher now." Using one of the Hell Project seller's favorite gambits, the Fairlady's owner wants you to know that this inexpensive- and totally easy- project has a "potential value of $40-$50k restored." Wow! It's like getting free money!

The early Mazda rotary wagons are pretty rare, but you can still find them. How about the early piston-engined Mazdas, though? When was the last time you saw a Mazda 1500 wagon? SoNaive found this '71 Mazda 1500 station wagon in Vancouver, for just $1,300 Canadian dollars. This was the "big" Mazda of its time, and featured styling by Giorgetto Giugiaro (the seller points out that "you may notice it looks like an alfa from the front," which may or may not be a very persuasive selling point in a wagon). The original 1500 engine is long gone, but not to worry- the seller "shoe-horned an '83 2.3 liter 200sx engine and 5spd transmission into place," which should work great as long as the shoe-horning was done with care. What could go wrong?

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This car definitely runs and drives, but with gas prices closing in on five bucks there's no telling how much longer it will be possible for its owner to quench the thirst of its 351, 400, or 460.


Now that's class! A Cougar emblem in the little opera window! See, the Malaise Era wasn't entirely about diminished expectations- you could get down and funky with that special someone in the luxurious vinyl comfort of your Cougar's back seat, while the same activities in a cramped 60s Cougar would be more like a game of Twister inside a packing crate. Don't forget the Acapulco Gold and Foghat on the 8-track!


Sadly, those mean ol' bean counters at FoMoCo decreed that the super-cool sequential turn signals would be axed for this generation of Cougars, but the full-width taillights were partial compensation.

The Swinger was the name Chrysler put on the 2-door Dart with the Custom mid-level trim package. The Special Edition series was the priciest Dart, though the real hot ticket was the $254 "Hang Ten" package, which got you surfer-esque graphics and tape stripes.


The standard engine on the '75 Dart was the 96-horsepower Slant Six 225, though you could get the Dart 360 Sport with a V8 boasting 200 horses.


This Swinger is in decent condition, with all four hubcaps still present and accounted for and no visible rust. The vinyl top is bad (of course), but other than that it's weathered 33 years quite well.

It wouldn't be fair to break out the H-bomb of French Hell Projects (the Citröen SM), because we're fairly certain that nothing on the planet can beat the SM in a Project Car Hell matchup. But how about the Citröen CX? The early CX has many of the features that made the SM so wonderful and terrible, but with the added bonus of having been manufactured by a company in complete financial shambles (and with the involvement of both the French and Italian governments). So head on down to lovely Plant City, Florida, and hand over $2,500 for this 1975 Citröen CX 2000 (go here if the ad disappears). The seller doesn't mention anything about mechanical condition, because it's totally unnecessary; you know this car doesn't run! All we get from the seller is "4 cylinder cinline,its standard with red interior seats and holds up to five people," which leaves a whole lot to your darkest imagination. But maybe it will fire right up, the hydropneumatic suspension will leap to the proper height, and you'll roar off into the Plant City sunset with a Hell-free car experience... but that ain't the way to bet.

We all know that Porsche engineers don't compromise performance for any reason, including the sanity of the mechanics who will one day work on their cars. So if long-suffering (yet well-paid) wrenchmen Hans und Günter have to sweat out 72 hours of labor (using all manner of single-purpose, Porsche-only tools) in order to replace some tiny component buried beneath a fiendish labyrinth of impossible-to-reach fasteners... well, if that's the way to make the car perform 0.0019% better, that's exactly how Porsche will do it! And the 928 might be the purest expression of that philosophy, with its engine compartment completely packed with one of the most complicated V8s that ever made a veteran mechanic weep with frustration. And it's not just the engine- the whole car is a lunatic monkeypuzzle, and it will drive you mad. Of course, all is forgiven when you actually get to drive your 928, but getting an affordable one to that point takes some work. Nothing you can't handle, though... right? Right! So come on out to Redding, California, and peel off twelve Benjamins for this running, driving '81 928 (go here if the ad disappears). Yes, just $1,200 for a running 928! It's not perfect; the seller admits that it "nees some luv." We can see evidence of some family strife in the car's description ("bought it to fix up with my boys but they think it is ugly i say they have no class, anyway here it is"), so here's your chance to swoop in and grab this jewel before the boys reconsider. Hey, did Porsche paint those wheels at the factory?

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While non-pickup Chevelles of this era are a rare sight, you still see quite a few El Caminos. No doubt this is due to the usefulness of the truck bed motivating owners to keep the things running long after the non-bed-equipped A-bodies were crushed.


This '75, a fine example of the Malaise Era GM A-body, lives on the same block as the Bonus Cab '71 Chevrolet pickup; I think they may belong to the same owner. Since that owner is a high school classmate of Belvedere Adrian (who, by the way, informs me that the '71 has 454 big-block power), I can make some inquiries about this El Camino and see if I can learn more about it.


The Malaise El Caminos were bigger than the generations that came before and after them... but I'll bet this one is still lighter than the new Pontiac truckcar.

The engine in this car was rated at 98 horsepower when new, which doesn't seem so bad for a Malaise car of its size (even with the added 300 pounds of the Über Bümpers).


But this one has an automatic. Ach! Still, an auto-equipped '75 as original as this one must be a rare car indeed.


Hmmm... this reminds me that it's time we had another What To Drive In '75 poll! What car would be the best matchup with an automatic 2002?

Note: Since we've got two apiece '74 Porsche 911s and '77 Toyota Celicas, I'm choosing one apiece (yes, we have two '78 Colts, but one is a sedan and the other is a wagon). Now on with the Malaise!