Ignorance + ambition = epic fail.

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But the Fiat--the Fiat dash has gauges--yes, the ad actually relays that information. So you will know how fast you are going (assuming you get it rolling), how much gas you have left (to keep trying to get it started), engine temp (well, warm, hot, cold as approximations) and who knows, maybe even RPMs! Battery status and possibly oil pressure.

And a family of mice. Well, the way mice breed, the inside, trunk and engine bay could be wall to wall mice corpses and effluvia. Many, many generations of mice. If you're lucky, you'll have an anaphylaxis melt down and die instantly. As you are rummaging around under the seats and pull out--what's this? A human skull, with millions of tiny tooth marks? GAAAK.

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I've always wanted an Esprit. This one makes me sad. Crappy original beats crappily modded in any rational comparison, but this is PCH.

I want the Lotus more: advantage Lotus.

The Lotus would be easier to find original parts for: advantage Fiat.

There is no way of knowing whether original parts would even fit the Lotus anymore without re-modification: Lotus FTW.

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Hell, if you're going to do a turbo Ford motor, why not turbocharged OHC? Shave off a bucketful of weight, comparable power output, and it's a four-pot just like it's supposed to be.

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The Fiat, on the other hand, appears manageable. A bit of interior work and some extermination (a cat can do both) and we're good to go, right? Normally being lived in by a family of mice makes for an automatic PCH win, but not this time.

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It's making me feel depressed.

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Although I like the bastardized Lotus (an Oldsmobile dash?!) I'm thinking the Fiat is the entrance ramp to the highway to hell. Think of it: Lotus eventually put a V8 into the Esprit, but Fiat? No sir, you'd be treading new ground for hoonage. I'd go with the subtlety of a 572 cid, blown GM Crate precariously mated to a junkyard found Turbo 400 (hell, you spent all your money on the engine and blower!). Your nuts aren't the plastic fake variety dangling from a F150's rear bumper, so you're not going to go with 4 wheel disc brakes, find some rust drums off a decaying Packard. You've missed the exit to Automotive Purgatory, and if you don't die from exhaustion with a wrench in hand, surely this little Fix-It-Again-Tony will finish you off.

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However, Hantavirus is only worth worrying about if it's the strain that causes hemorrhagic fever (i.e., the outbreak in the 90s that gave the virus media attention). That's an important distinction. Otherwise, it's a mere minor annoyance while you're learning Italian and devising means of offing yourself with a floorjack.

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No, the real reason we buy supercars like these are to get laid.

Oh come on, fess up, you know it's true as well as I do. You don't buy a Lambo because it handles brilliantly, or because it's stupidly fast. When are you ever going to use that? You buy one because it attracts more attention than Liberace, and with about as much subtlety.

So which one of these cars is going to attract the ladies? Do we even need to ask?

Okay, yeah, we're all guys here, we probably do. But here's an inside tip. I parked the Benz beside a silver Lotus Esprit at a hotel a few years back, and when my now-ex-girlfriend hopped out, I heard a gasp, and a little "Ohhh!" noise. I turned around, and she was standing beside it with this wistful, doe-eyed, nostalgic look on her face. Now, normally I'm the one to do that when confronted with an exotic car, so I was a bit puzzled. "It's nice," I agreed, "but why do you like this one so much?"

She whirled on me with a look of severe annoyance on her face, and immediately accused me of not being romantic. "Honestly, you men. Not a romantic bone in your bodies. This is a Lotus Esprit. The car driven by Richard Gere when he first meets Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman."

Now I'm not entirely sure what that movie is all about, as the one time I watched it, I was curled up on the couch with a buxom blonde in a low-cut shirt, and I think I spent most of the movie watching something other than the screen, but my research indicates to me that it is the kind of movie that women get all verklempt about. And every time I've refenced a Lotus to a female friend, she's responded with, "Oh, like in Pretty Woman?" So how well do you think the Fiat will fare against the Lotus in the ability-to-get-you-laid factor? Sorry, Tony, it's not going to convince her to come back to your mom's basement with you, no matter how many gold necklaces you're wearing.

The Lotus is precisely the kind of car that will have that magical ability. Sure, you have to watch that god-awful movie a couple times to get some pointers, but once you do, and you figure out how to pull off some of the smooth Richard Gere moves, the ladies will be like warm putty. Warm putty with moist eyes, and little puddles on the seats.

Uh... from the tears, of course.

And sure, it needs some repairs, and will likely bankrupt you, and may even drive you absolutely mad undoing previous "upgrades" and repairing original damage that may have been just bypassed or ignored, but you have the ultimate motivator! Just think of the p***y you're going to get with this car! The very thought of it will keep you working for hours, even days on end! You will have the Pretty Woman car, possibly the only car that every woman can spot from 4 blocks away! A coat of silver paint and a nicely tailored suit, and you get to have your pick. Oh, and a better engine. And probably a Mulligan on the entire interior. And some un-modifying of the body itself. No matter! "P***y, p***y, p***y!", you'll tell yourself, only without the asterisks.

Forgetting, of course, that by the time THAT piece of crap is fixed, you're going to need more blue diamonds than Hugh Hefner.

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