Well, probably not- a career of filming Ukrainian junkies performing lewd acts with surplus Soviet Navy dental gear requires more dedication to one's craft than I can muster. Anyway, during 1984 and 1985 I put together a few short Super 8 films, with my sleazeball friends as cast and plenty of beater vehicles. You've already seen the protagonist of The Green Death, a cautionary sex-education film warning America's youth of a brain-dissolving STD, siphoning gas for his '68 Cyclone, and now I've dug up a few outtakes from The Phone Police, a crypto-documentary showing the psychosurgical methods employed by lab-coated, Ford Granada-driving rent-a-cops employed by The Bell System. We've got the beater 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air owned by my friend Willy (seen here flying off the hood of his car) and the evil ex-rental-car 1979 Ford Granada that spent most of the 1980s as La Familia Martin's vehicular punching bag; I believe it had already been wrecked and repaired with junkyard parts on three occasions at the time of The Phone Police's shooting.

I didn't take these photos, of course (I'm still being lazy, the day after my grueling 11-hour Ely-to-Denver jaunt). We can thank frequent Denver DOTSBE contributor Kitt for finding and shooting this beautifully battered '56 for us.

These days, you're most likely to see a '56 Chevy in pristine condition at a car show, probably with a Time Out Kid leaning on it and "The Book Of Love" playing on the PA for the 19,232nd time. It's refreshing to see one that clearly gets daily driving action at age 53.
Looks like the Gawker Server Hamsters don't like new galleries today- or maybe they're just on strike again- so you'll need to look at the photos the old-fashioned way:

Taking on the Citroën CX Pallas that won the last Choose Your Eternity poll would be akin to dragging a washing machine through a 100-yard gauntlet of meth-crazed chimps armed with tire irons... in other words, a walk in the park compared to the projects we'll be contemplating today. Adopting either one of today's exquisite machines would feel much like donning a wetsuit stuffed with Asian Giant Hornets and climbing into a Drum Debarker filled with burning creosote-soaked railroad ties and radioactive dioxin bottles packed with selenium tetra-azide. But, dammit, they're totally worth the pain!

Much as we love the Fieroborghini, bolting some Italian-looking plastic body panels on a Fiero isn't all that heroic a project (though installing a Cadillac 500 engine and front-drive transaxle out of an Eldorado does get our respect). No, your Fauxborghini needs more sweat, more blood, and a Nile's worth of tears. We're talking about a quasi-scratch-built backyard Countach here, based on a Detroit family car from the 1960s. That means something along the lines of this 1967 Ford-based Lamborghini project (go here if the listing disappears), which could obliterate drop into your life with megaton force for $795 or "an interesting trade option." Why, that price is down in 24 Hours Of LeMons territory (and I can guarantee a great deal of judicial slack when examining the budget of any team with the guts to bring this vehicle to a LeMons race), but we think it would be even more fun on the street. Now, this Fauxborghini- which appears to be have some '67 Fairlane DNA- lacks a few of the features you'd find on the real deal. We're pretty sure that Ferrucio Lamborghini never installed front drum brakes on any of his cars, and the same goes for the leaf-spring rear suspension. As for the drivetrain, it appears to be a Ford Windsor V8 mounted backwards and driving... well, we're not sure. Maybe a V-drive of some kind? A shaft coming off the front of the crank and driving a flipped-over Porsche 944 transaxle? Or maybe this project is meant to be a mid-engined front-wheel-drive car, which would be so completely wrong that it's just perfect! Thanks to Josef for the tip!

You'd be a Project Car Hell God or Goddess for sure, were you to get that Fairlaneborghini into daily-driver condition, but we understand that sometimes you need a generous helping of classic British luxury in your project. No, we don't mean yet another Jaguar, or even a Bentley or Rolls. We're talking Lagonda here! That's right, an Aston Martin-built updated version of the W. O. Bentley-designed prewar Lagondas, a car you have no hope in hell of ever obtaining. But wait! A miracle has occurred, and it has become possible to buy this 1956 Lagonda 3 Litre Saloon in a no-reserve eBay auction. Even better, the current top bid is only $1,000. Really! We're forced to admit that a few flies have found their way into the ointment here; in fact, the ointment is pretty much entirely flies. First of all, the incredible Lagonda Straight Six engine that propelled Aston Martin to glory in the 1950s... well, it's as gone as D.B. Cooper, and probably just as difficult to find today. The seller himself states that this project is "Broken down, incomplete and a restoration project only for the relentlessly ambitious or deranged." But come on, how hard could it be? Just start by getting yourself an appropriately powerful inline-six engine- say, this 2JZGTE/6-speed combo deal, for example- and then start casting and/or machining all the missing trim pieces from scratch. As for the interior, you'd be amazed what $500 will buy you at a Tijuana upholstery shop. No problem!

We've got representatives of each of the Big Three (sadly, no AMC products), from the days when Detroit ruled the automotive universe. Four from GM and one apiece from Ford and Chrysler. Tomsk writes:

1964 Buick Riviera: This second-year example of Buick's personal luxury coupe has arguably seen better days, but you've gotta admit, it looks positively menacing.

1963 Mercury Monterey: With Mercury having been against the ropes since...well...a long-ass time now, it's worth remembering just how rad their products once were. Take this 1963 Monterey Custom 2-door hardtop, complete with the "Breezeway" roll-down rear window and the accompanying oddball roofline.
Am I alone in having a burning desire to cruise this baby down the main drag on Saturday night with a certain J. Wagner snuggled up next to me on the big bench seat? Didn't think so.

1965 Chrysler: This majestic child of Ma Mopar, though clearly fallen on hard times (Dig the precision-engineered driver's window repair!), still has that certain presence about it. That certain GIGANTIC presence about it.

1956 Chevrolet: Considering how much coin Tri-Five Chevys command these days, you'd think a clean, stock looking '56 Bel Air 2-door sedan would at least be hidden under an industrial-strength car cover and parked in the driveway. Well, that isn't the case with this one, which apparently calls a Costa Mesa cul-de-sac home. I've always thought the '56 was the best looking of the three shoebox Bowties; how about the rest of the Commentariat?

1968 Pontiac Catalina: The current Pontiac advertising tagline is "Pontiac is Car." Unfortunately, the models other than those belonging to the G8 and Solstice families are not Car; they're things you use to cover the oil spots on your driveway.
However, there was apparently a time when all new Ponchos were indeed Car. Exhibit A: This 1968 Catalina ragtop. If Oprah had given these things away, she'd be President Winfrey now. Stick that hyperbole in your pipe and smoke it.

1962 Cadillac: This 1962 Cad (I'm fairly sure it's a Sedan deVille) has seen better days, but what state would the true Jalop rather have it in: An over-restored beauty you'd be scared to take out of its plastic bubble, or this property-value-sucking, pseudo rat rod form? Exactly.

I haven't had time to do many Project Car Hells lately, due to all the work caused by my personal Hell Project (which has been fully redecorated and looks far more evil than it did the last time you saw it). Last time we were here, the Mazda 323 GTX edged out the Shelby Dodge by a 55:45 ratio. Today we're going to reminisce about the good ol' days of the late 1950s, when recession coupled with the Big Three relentlessly crushing all competition resulted in rough times for marques such as Kaiser, Nash, Hudson, Packard, Frazer… well, you get the idea. Today we're going to take a look at a couple of projects that hail from their makers' final gasps for corporate breath: Hudson and Packard!

Packard purists tend to frown on the "Packardbaker" era, when Studebaker- itself on the financial ropes, though with nearly a decade of body blows left to absorb- badge-engineered its cars with Packard emblems. A painful fate for the once-upscale Packard brand, to have a buggy manufacturer owning its name, but a half-century has softened the blow, and the Packardbakers are actually considered pretty cool-looking machines nowadays. Why, even a diamond in the rough like this 1957 Packard Clipper could be made into a stunning machine, whether you take the restomod or numbers-matching restoration approach. For only 600 bucks, you get quite a bit… quite a bit of iron oxide, that is. But don't stress about that, because the seller states "the motor seems to be all there." We'd suggest setting it up with the supercharged 289 out of an Avanti; we suggest not putting a small-block Chevy in it, because some engine swaps are just plain wrong.

The Hudson story differs from Packard's in that the case could be made that all the mergers that eventually formed AMC from the corpses of several dead automakers eventually led to Renault and Chrysler, which still exist today. Still, 1956 and 1957 was really the final gasp for true Hudsons, and owning one from that era would give you, like, this totally ironic commentary on the current state of the American auto industry (of course, by the time you finished the project, there might not be an American auto industry, but we have no choice but to think positive thoughts when the flames of the Hell Garage are all around us). You figure it's tough to find a Hudson at anywhere near the same price as that Packard, but check it out: this 1956 Hudson Hornet, also priced at $600. Don't let the fact that this project is so hellish that it's already destroyed at least one marriage ("lost the house and the wife. needs to go now") scare you off, and the fact that it sat unpainted through three rainy NorCal winters shouldn't cause you the least bit of worry. It's still got the 308 flathead- yes, the same engine that owned NASCAR in the early 50s, so all you need to do is… well, OK, everything.

This is either a 1956 or 1957 model; I can't tell the difference, so I flipped a coin to choose. You Lincoln experts can save the day by pointing out what makes it one or the other. Either way, it's pretty solid and it runs; since it's too nice for rat-rod-ization, my guess is that it's going to go the restoration route.


Check out this fine trunk ornament. Knights! Coats of arms! Somehow, this schtick wasn't lame in the 50s, very much unlike the Broughamized cheeze Detroit pasted on their cars in the 60s and 70s. Or was it always cheeze?


And the vents behind the rear quarter windows- what's the deal here? They look functional, but for what? Rear-mounted air-conditioning unit? Early attempt at flow-through ventilation? Rear brake cooling for total hoons?

Why did Bhagwan Rajneesh have a fleet of 93 Rolls-Royces? I'll tell you why- the Rolls-Royce is the cult leader car! Look at David Koresh; much as we approve of the idea of a '69 Camaro sporting gold-plated valve covers embossed with "GO GO GOD 427," we all know things didn't work out so well for Mr. Koresh; anyway, you'd find rival cult leaders siphoning away your followers if you rolled in a lowly Chevy. Yes, when the rocks are melting and the hordes of hunger-maddened refugees flee the burning cities in search of canned goods and possum innards, you'll need unquestioning obedience from your holy warriors if you expect to live in luxury with your harem and treasure room… and that means you'd better get that Rolls now, while you can still find parts! We suggest this 1964 Rolls-Royce limousine, which is already located in a desert region suitable for your Holy Fortress and comes with a price tag of just $3,500. It needs an engine, which gives you the opportunity to install a big diesel powerplant. Why diesel? Well, that way you'll be able to fuel it on the fat rendered from the corpses of your rivals, which makes an impressive statement in addition to being an eco-friendly solution to cadaver disposal.

In the post-postmodern post-apocalyptic world, don't you think that the old rules for cult leaders might be irrelevant? The irony-steeped young men and women who will form your warrior brigades might well snort in derision at a Rolls-Royce, and then you'd have a big discipline problem just as the Kalashnikov-toting legions from the Beelzebub's Bastards gang roll up to your compound and start catapulting the corpses of cholera victims over the walls. You don't need that hassle, do you? But, as the all-powerful Top Honcho For Life, you still need British luxury, which is why this '56 Bentley S-1 is the car for you. As with the Rolls, its engine is trouble-free- in fact, the car is engine-free- so you'll have that much less work to do when it comes time to install that human-flesh-burning diesel. The car's description includes the cryptic statement "It is indoors so weather and darkness will not be an issue," which could form the basis of your soon-to-be-legendary "Weather And Darkness Will Not Be An Issue" speech, the one that inspires your army to bring you back a record-breaking number of trophy heads, a few dozen of which you'll be able to display on the cast-iron spikes you can mount on this car's bodywork for just that purpose.

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After seeing that beautiful DOTS E-Type, it's hard not to yearn for a genunine, pre-Malaise XKE. The prices for nice ones are pretty brutal, unfortunately, but an enterprising gearhead such as yourself should be able to find a diamond-in-rough Jag and turn it into an envy-generator in no time! When you get a California car, such as this '67 XKE coupe, you don't even need to worry about rust... oh, wait. All right, this one does have rust, but you can breathe a sigh of relief upon learning that the spare tire well is solid. It was wrecked in the early 80s- that's right, nearly 30 years ago- and has been stored ever since; think of the low miles! Some stuff is missing, it goes without saying that every component involving electricity, fluid, or moving parts will need complete rebuilding and/or replacement, but look at the price tag!

Maybe the XKE just doesn't do much for you, or maybe the long-nosed Jags are just too common. You want something German, by Gott, and you don't want any damn snooty Mercedes-Benz or nobody's-ever-heard-of-it Borgward or Glas. How about an old BMW? Everyone's got a 2002, and those Isettas are just too silly... but hold on a second- what about a BMW 502? V8 power, great lines, and luxury fit for a wealthy postwar-recovery-boom industrialist. They're tough to find in North America, but Murph has helped us out by spotting this '56 BMW 502. Priced at just $11,500, this super-steal bargain will leave plenty of money in your Hell Project for trips to Germany to buy parts. And you'll need plenty of parts, because there's no getting around the fact that this thing is extremely rough. The condition is given as "Used," which- though uninformative- is definitely the truth (we think "trashed" would be more apt, but that's just us), but there's a V8 motor that might even be something other than a small-block Chevy, and it looks like more than 5% of the interior is still there!

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In '56, your half-ton Chevy pickup came standard with the 140-horse OHV six for the list price of $1,670. If that wasn't enough power for you, the 265 small-block was available.


Is that a propane tank? If this truck burns 'pane, it should be cheaper to operate than it would be on gas.


Now that we have a nice '56 Chevy truck to go with the nice '56 Ford truck we saw a few months ago, we have no choice but to have a poll to determine the readers' favorite.

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If there was ever a For Sale Down On The Street (Oakland Edition) feature, I'd nominate this car: A 1956 Mercedes 180, which has spent the past few weeks parked dangling its "For Sale" sign around upper parts of Broadway in Oakland. It looks really clean inside & out, and the UC Berkeley Central Campus sticker (these pull rank over regular student / faculty stickers) serves to reinforce stereotypes about kinds of tweedy people who own these cars in the East Bay. And no, this isn't some elaborate advertising scheme — I have no affiliation to this car nor its owner!
See you around the wrecking yards,
supercarnitas

Now let's hear something from one of Oakland's best rappers... and I'm sure as hell not talking about MC Hammer here:

Most folks call these cars Chrysler Imperials, but Imperial was a separate brand during the 1950s. Things got more muddled later on when the name was resurrected in the early 1980s, but in 1956 you had two choices: Imperial or Crown Imperial.


Here's the only shot I was able to get of this car for quite a while. The '56 Imperial came with a "poly" 354 engine; not a Hemi, but still quite powerful with 280 horses. Total weight? 4,680 pounds, about a half-ton lighter than it looks.


The interior is pretty nice, and check out that underdash A/C unit!

Those who wanted to buy a new Mercedes-Benz 190SL roadster back in 1958 had to come up with $5,020, about $1,400 more than a new Corvette and about the same as a '58 Lincoln Capri hardtop. We're talking about quite the high-buck machine (though you had to spend twice as much to get its mighty 300SL sibling), and much in demand today. It's got some German notoriety, too, being known as the Nitribitt-Mercedes after the murdered Frankfurt call girl who drove one. If you've got $27,800 to spend on your next project- or even if you don't- why not blow it all invest it wisely in this '58 Mercedes-Benz 190SL (go here if the ad disappears)? Look at it! Sure looks nice... so nice that you shouldn't fear that "light rust on the floor," because the seller says right in the ad that it's an "easy restoration." Right! It's even got a rebuilt engine "that is bolted in the car," yet for some reason it's not running. Maybe a few turns of some carb screws, perhaps some futzing with the distributor, and it'll roar to life! It looks like most of the trim is still there, and maybe the interior is good enough, which leaves you plenty of time to puzzle out the drivetrain problems.

What are you, some kind of cheapskate? Only 28 grand, and for a German car? Where's the fun there? What you need is a super-rare Jag, say one of only 32 1956 XK140 dropheads with automatics and left-hand drive (go here if the ad disappears). Not only that, the seller wants to make it perfectly clear that this car was once ARBOUR GREEN, and that you'll need to get up off of $49,000 if you want to take it home. Whew, almost 50 grand! That's perfectly understandable when you learn that the seller estimates that "the car is 90 to 95% complete as to parts." Skeptical types might try to rain all over your parade by pointing out that 5% or 10% of an automatic-equipped 52-year-old Jaguar is a helluva lot of parts, but we'd counter by saying that maybe the missing stuff is the easiest 5 or 10 percent! Don't try to lowball this savvy seller, though, because it says right in the ad (twice) that "THE PRICE IS FIRM!!!" Thanks to htrodbldr for the tip!

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Sure, they don't look at all original, but I think Cragar SS wheels look good on this truck. The owner can always put tall skinny tires on dogdish-equipped steel wheels back on the truck, so purists need not fret.


This truck has some great emblems; in fact, I think the "Fordomatic" emblem shot is going to replace this '50 Pontiac hood ornament photo as the desktop wallpaper on my computer.


So now we have two 50s Ford pickups with bright paint colors in this series, the other being this '50.

Whatever the year, this is a seriously cool machine. I've been seeing this thing around town since I was a kid, so it's an Alameda institution by now. And, just in case you couldn't tell, Willys wants you to know that it's got four wheel drive.


From a distance, I though this thing might be a Land Cruiser/Rover, but up close it was clear this truck didn't come from Japan or England.


Seems like there should be winch in this picture, or at least a dead deer lashed onto a fender.


Wait, not deer- ducks!


While Alameda is pretty urban (population density higher than San Francisco's), you still see a fair number of head-to-the-hills type vehicles parked on the streets. You know, for when civilization collapses and all.

Apparently, the seller of this '49 MG TC has been deluged with insulting and/or combative emails about his car for quite a while now, judging by such statements as "If you do not understand the difference between a wood framed steel panelled body and fiberglass, please leave me alone. I do not need to be told this is a kit car by any more idiots. Nor do I care if you object to the modifications!" But... the question remains; what is this car, really? It's got a '79 Capri engine, Alfa Romeo wheels, and all manner of fiberglass, wood, and aluminum body modifications, so we're not sure how much MG is left. Still, the seller claims there's room for a small-block in the engine compartment- now there's an idea that gets our Stamp-O-Approval- and the price is just $5800.

Think an MG, even a '49, is just too common? You might want to size up the idea of buying this '56 Morgan 4/4, wooden frame and all. The original engine is long gone, replaced by a 1600cc unit out of an MGA, and it's missing all sorts of pieces. The asking price of $10,500 seems a bit steep as well, but as the seller says, "Sorry for the price, sorry that it is an old oil leaking English car, sorry I could not accept your 30% offer." The body has plenty of surface rust, but it seems to be of the non-penetrating California variety. You'd feel pretty snazzy- and pretty poor- after you got this fine British machine back on the road again!

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