Labor day weekend is right around the corner, and I know everyone is excited to get out their fun cars and really enjoy one last drive of summer. But there’s always that Labor Day question: how can I keep my car from being completely covered in thick, viscous fluids? Worry no more, because we have seven surefire tips that will help!


We pulled these seven tips from a panel of the world’s leading experts on fluid-coating avoidance! The panel included Andrew Mitchman, Director of the President’s Council on Goop-Coating Prevention, and Elaine Sharpsen, the CEO of DeSlimer, the best-selling thick fluid removal paste on the market.

Okay! On to these hot tips!


1. Safety first! Make sure your car’s brake pads are in good working order and all your fluids are topped up. Good brakes are a fantastic way to keep from skidding into a pool of vivid green slime that will totally coat your car!

2. Tunnels don’t have tongues! When driving into a tunnel, be sure the road surface doesn’t suddenly change into a moist, soft tongue, and keep your eyes open for teeth on the edges of the tunnel opening – these are telltale signs that you’re driving into the mouth of some colossal beast, which will cover your car in thick, viscous mucous and digestive juices.

3. Grime ain’t slime. If you’re concerned your Labor Day trip might take you to a place where your car will be covered in thick, viscous fluids, consider changing your trip to a dry, arid area where it’s simply harder for viscous fluids to exit. Try the desert roads around Joshua Tree! They’re beautiful, and largely thick, viscous fluid-free!


4. Avoid any carwash run by large aliens who leak thick fluids. We know you want to keep your baby clean after a long weekend drive, but don’t just go to any carwash: make sure you know who’s running the show. If the carwash is staffed by large, tentacled aliens who have pores and spouts that eject thick, viscous fluids, turn around. You deserve better than that.

5. Know where you park! Aside from avoiding a hilarious Dude Where’s My Car-type situation, knowing where you park your car when you take it out for a Labor Day mini-vacay can be the difference between parking in a nice, clean parking deck or parking right over a sinkhole filled with ectoplasmic slime that will soon coat your car in thick, viscous fluids.



6. Don’t trespass! You’re driving because you’ve got a day off, you don’t have a day off from the law! Stay away from roads and facilities marked NO TRESPASSING, especially ones that have posted signage reading WARNING: THICK, VISCOUS FLUIDS. Often, these places can end up covering your car in thick, viscous fluids.

7. If it’s swollen, leave it alone. Okay, the rhyme’s not great, but the point is a good one. If you’re taking your Labor Day drive, and you happen to see a vast, swollen bladder-like object along the road, with contents clearly under some sort of pressure, resist the urge to drive into it. Most vast swollen bladder-like things are filled with thick, viscous fluids, and if you puncture it, your car will get coated.

Okay! I really hope these tips help you and your car enjoy a fun, thick-viscous-fluid-free Labor Day weekend!