Chevrolet is very interested in letting you know that they’re “on fleek” with “the youths” these days, with their pocket-Victrolas and rat-tail haircuts and all that. Just to be really sure we know how down they are, they just issued a Chevy Cruze Press Release all in Emoji.

Just in case you’re less hip than Chevy, the PR has a short outdated-English explainer at top:

Words alone can’t describe the new 2016 Chevrolet Cruze, so to celebrate its upcoming reveal, the media advisory is being issued in emoji, the small emotionally expressive digital images and icons in electronic communication. Try and decode this news or watch for the decoder at 2 p.m. EDT on Tuesday. #ChevyGoesEmoji

... and here’s the full press release:

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m a busy man and can’t just wait for 2 p.m. Tuesday for a translation — I need it now. The current state of computerized Emoji-translation is still woefully inadequate, and the only living native Emoji-speakers known are currently kept in a special high-security enclosure in Harijuku, Tokyo.

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Luckily, I have two years of Emoji study at Vasser, and I spent two weeks in an intensive Emoji-immersion program where I was liquified and injected into the brain of a 15-year old girl. I can handle this.

So, after a lot of hard work and careful thought, I present to you the 2016 Chevy Cruze Emoji Press Release, translated:

Happiness Loves Car

City car music, stop. Negative time throughout cities is drama. A new car hatches with love. Switch into your phone, bowl the hypotenuse, and add gasoline to basketballs. Sporting goods ride bikes. Yes, new bread gets all dolled up to see a twin-Playboy bunny burlesque, text all the boys and girls from your phone. Car texts the businessman in his necktie, “New car idea is above Earth.”

• Right angle: Strong sports trophy will fall in love.

• Graph: Seven phones cool, 100% of books are number one. Cars love phones. Diamond scream. That computer. Music on low volume.

• Chair: Walking man, Salsa dancer, twin Playmates, answer woman.

• Gasoline: 2105:35/Bridge to 2016, up great job, much adulation, applause! Time passes to July 15, trending upward.

• WARNING: Think about a lot of luggage. Bidirectional OnStar.

• Car: Soon, to drive to flowers.

• Car: All major continents.

Car sunrise over the mountains, starry night, sunset on the water; mountain rainbow, a day passes in the city to the Golden Gate bridge at night! Car phones gasoline rollercoaster, 100% love checks out.

Search 1911, pin the city of the music car on the map, then stop. Chevrolet in all continents. Chevrolet to gasoline love jazz hands.

Surprised person use a computer or phone to visit www.chevrolet.com

You’re welcome.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.