Rick Reilly wrote a similar column back in his dorm days, but it was decidedly more succinct:
What a weekend, a real barn-burner!
First, mai thais.
Second, jai alai.
Third, blurry eyes.
Then, on the floor, half-digested, Doris the Lunch Lady's nuclear-hot jumbalay!
On the other hand, retirement is what conflicts with Mayweather's beliefs. But that's only because he prays to the God of Blowing Money on Stupid Shit.
I imagine he'll be bros with JFK in heaven. Not because they both have half a head, but because they both enjoy stealing inconsequential things from hapless women.
Also old news on SI's cover: the fact that Matt Barnes' shooting arm is literally growing cobwebs.
Hickey, I'm so happy to see you bringing the fútbol coverage. Now how about some Corinthians, eh?
What's up sportsfags? Who wants to drink a twelve-pack of Rolling Rock?
Defendant Identifiers, cont. :
Clothes: Damp
Teeth: Piranha
Scent: Pine-Sol
I'd love to make a Rovell-style joke about how much of a hit his net worth will take after divorce, but my calculator can't compute SHITSTAINEDBRIEFS/2.
I have it on good authority that the 3,761 calories of refined flour and high-fructose corn syrup -- two staples may hit the restaurant industry's $154 billion in annual flapjack sales hard if this weird weather trend continues -- has reduced Moore's 40 time by 0.00218 seconds, which, if the trend holds til next year, increases the odds of him dropping a Super Bowl winning catch by ten billionths of a percent.
In a past life, I worked as a lab technologist processing blood for HIV/hep testing. It's tough to get used to, knowing that of the thousands of samples you go through, some of them are positive.
Still, it was all fairly regimented, robot-like work, and wasn't exactly a high pressure environment. But one day my pair of bosses flipped out all of a sudden, and started rushing a single sample through processing in expert-super-speed-mode. It was a strange occurrence, and it took awhile to find out why.
A different section of the lab handled the processing of incoming samples from doctors. The firm's process involved splitting those samples and combining a few hundred of them into a single tube, under the assumption that the majority of samples tested aren't positive.
These guys doing the processing were mostly flunkies and hacks, and for some dumb reason the firm was convinced that their role wasn't as risky as what other sections did. So these guys tended to not worry about safety too much. And one of them, on that day, managed to somehow spray a blood sample in his face. Without goggles or a full-face mask on (I wore both when working with blood). Some got in his mouth. It also happened to be a sample that was going for individual testing after its second-round sample tube turned up positive. All in all, dude was sitting there waiting for us to process the blood that had a 1:16 chance of being HIV positive. That was in his mouth.
I never figured out what happened with him because I left the firm shortly after. Don't play with blood, folks.
Why are you stalking my glory days?
The death count keeps rising only because Charles Bronson thought "Al Ahly" was a dope dealer's "street" name.
You'd think he was some kind of jerkass or something.
Only now I realize what really killed him was being the fourth Hansen brother.
Zoology jokes always deserve a +1.
I've always thought that "Exelero" was a name perfectly fitted for a top-line refrigerator in The Sims.
THE RETURN OF SHEED IS IMMINENT! HOLY FUCKING SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Despite how much of a joke the phrase "hard-hitting news coverage" has become, that's some great coverage right there. LeDuff's personality is excellent, dude is an animal.
