Meet The Dudebro Who Wants A DeLorean Because He Knows Tim Tebow

Supposedly, you can't get something for nothing. But what if you wanted that something really badly? What if you offered access to "hot bitches" to get it? What if you kissed unbelievable amounts of ass in your quest? And most importantly, what if you knew Tim Tebow in high school?

All of this and much, much more gets offered by a 26-year-old "boy" (we'll get to that in a minute) who recently emailed the reborn DeLorean Motor Company because he wants one of their cars — with or without a flux capacitor — at a discounted price.

So the young man wants a deal on a DeLorean. Who wouldn't want to drive one? He doesn't say how much of a price break he wants, and heavily implies that he should simply be given one as part of some kind of magical "pay it forward" scenario.

But none of that does his email justice. The message he sent is such a perfect combination of stupidity, entitlement, misogyny and dudebro-ism that it feels as if it was handed down to us from the Internet gods themselves.

We've done this young fellow a favor by redacting his name and email address. But we'd be doing the world a disservice if we didn't parse through the email he sent to DMC, one bit at a time.

Prepare yourselves. You're about to see some serious shit.

I just searched for Deloreans in Florida and I came across you Gentlemen. Let me open by saying I'm a 26 year old boy who has the utmost respect for nostalgia.

A 26-year-old "boy"? Really? I can already tell this isn't headed anywhere good...

One of my favorite films is Back to the Future and im not sure if you gentlmen bought your cars pre or post Marty McFly but i can tell you it doesnt matter because the Delorean is fucking awesome either way. Let's cut to the chase, im hoping one of you is a very wealthy man who doesnt mind parting with their Delorean for a tad less than price,

Yes, the DeLorean is "fucking awesome." We would agree. As you all probably know, DMC restores and reproduces these iconic cars for resale. Some of the cars in their current stock go for about as low as $31,000, which seems like quite a bargain considering all the work that goes into them.

So why should our friend the 26-year-old "boy" get one at a discount? First, there's his trade-in:

I have a 2002 Eddie Bauer Expedition and money that I'm Willing to part with.

Not just any Expedition — an Eddie Bauer Expedition, that most coveted of late 90s/early 2000s suburban soccer mom-mobiles. More importantly, he has money that he is willing to part with, an essential component in the purchasing of an automobile. Or any other good or service, really.

I can't offer much more than the fact that i'll treat her as the best piece of Ass i've ever had and offer the seller full reign at reuniting with her and me providing hot bitches whenever you want to see her again. Flux Capacitor doesnt have to be included.

Now I'm starting to understand the arrangement. You give me a DeLorean, Flux Capacitor-ed or otherwise, and I bring you "hot bitches," he says. And he'll treat the car like "the best piece of Ass" he's ever had.

I'm also beginning to see why he refers to himself as a 26-year-old "boy."

Meet The Dudebro Who Wants A DeLorean Because He Knows Tim Tebow

No joke if one of you is a philanthropist who doesnt mind taking a little less than asking price and we can work on making a kid the sweetest motherfucker on earth please let me know. Imagine if when you were a kid if someone gave you a '64 Mustang and said "get it kid, and eventually pay it forward". I know that each and every man I'm e-mailing is a straight pimp because if not they wouldn't have a Delorean.

Scientific fact: every man who drives a DeLorean is indeed a straight pimp. I believe studies have been done on this.

I don't ask for much and I'm not a lucky kid, I've worked my ass off for everything I've ever gotten and I'm willing to give a full biography, but if any of you gentlemen have a heart and vigor for making dreams come true please at least give me a shot to state my case for owning one of these beauties, I'm more than willing to drive anywhere and make any negotiations or terms to get one of these bad boys.

This is no joke, and I hope and pray that one of you gives me a chance to at least meet me and try to get one of the sweetest cars to ever touch planet earth!

Is he writing a letter to Santa Claus?

Okay. I can't make too much fun of him here. It's clear that he's passionate about DeLoreans, and he's making what he understands to be a longshot pitch for one. He wants the car. He's offering up what he has to get one. Maybe I've misjudged him.

I'm a business management grad and football player from Hawaii, I went to Nease with Tebow and he was my quarterback if that helps(if youre a Florida State and Deion Sanders lover that's my allegiance!)

Nope. Didn't misjudge him after all. Did you just make a long, exasperated sigh? That means you have a brain in your head.

How in the name of holy fuck would playing football with now-ex Jets quarterback Tim Tebow in high school "help" lock down a deal on a DeLorean?

I'm really having trouble wrapping my brain around this one. But then again, I never played football with Tebow, so maybe I'm not meant to understand. (Odds are I'm a better quarterback than Tebow is, as is anyone with a pulse, but that's another matter entirely.)

Anyway. Continuing with the email:

If the Delorean falls through and you have a hook up on a white LeBaron i'll do that simply because Deion had one while he was in Tallahassee(drop top red interior, I'll take care of the PrimeTime license plate on the front)

Wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT.

If the DeLorean deal "falls through," you want... a LeBaron? Really? You sure about that?

Neon Deion apparently did drive a LeBaron back when he was in college. But that was in the late 80s. People didn't know any better back then!

At least he'll take care of the PrimeTime license plate. So that's good.

Either way I'm sitting here hoping that one of you gentlemen can sit back and say this kid has the chops, heart, and balls to stand up and say it's time for the Delorean to get his FUCKING ass back in the game.

Dude... you know John Z. DeLorean is dead, right? He's still dead, last I checked. And what "game" are you talking about? And why are you swearing at John Z. in all caps? Did he sell your dad some bad blow back in the 80s? Why are you so angry with him?

If we have to sit down and watch Back to the Future together and at least be gentlemen and friends than thats one step closer to me being on the level of a couple guys who get it...I'm attaching a couple images, #5 is real...What i'm getting to is it's time to pass the torch and if we need to sit down and drink fine Scotch I've got every Johnnie Walker, 10-12-15 of Macallan, Balvenie 12-14 caribbean and 17 double wood, it would at least be an interesting week to talk Delorean especially because TPC is coming up...

So yeah, DMC. If all that other stuff didn't convince you, let's drink a ton of scotch. Might as well.

I'm a mere two years older than this "boy," and I don't think I've ever been this worried for my generation's future than I have been until today.

If you can pull your face out of your palm long enough, here's the email in its entirety.

I just searched for Deloreans in Florida and I came across you Gentlemen. Let me open by saying I'm a 26 year old boy who has the utmost respect for nostalgia. One of my favorite films is Back to the Future and im not sure if you gentlmen bought your cars pre or post Marty McFly but i can tell you it doesnt matter because the Delorean is fucking awesome either way. Let's cut to the chase, im hoping one of you is a very wealthy man who doesnt mind parting with their Delorean for a tad less than price, I have a 2002 Eddie Bauer Expedition and money that I'm Willing to part with. I can't offer much more than the fact that i'll treat her as the best piece of Ass i've ever had and offer the seller full reign at reuniting with her and me providing hot bitches whenever you want to see her again. Flux Capacitor doesnt have to be included. No joke if one of you is a philanthropist who doesnt mind taking a little less than asking price and we can work on making a kid the sweetest motherfucker on earth please let me know. Imagine if when you were a kid if someone gave you a '64 Mustang and said "get it kid, and eventually pay it forward". I know that each and every man I'm e-mailing is a straight pimp because if not they wouldn't have a Delorean. I don't ask for much and I'm not a lucky kid, I've worked my ass off for everything I've ever gotten and I'm willing to give a full biography, but if any of you gentlemen have a heart and vigor for making dreams come true please at least give me a shot to state my case for owning one of these beauties, I'm more than willing to drive anywhere and make any negotiations or terms to get one of these bad boys. This is no joke, and I hope and pray that one of you gives me a chance to at least meet me and try to get one of the sweetest cars to ever touch planet earth! I'm a business management grad and football player from Hawaii, I went to Nease with Tebow and he was my quarterback if that helps(if youre a Florida State and Deion Sanders lover that's my allegiance!) If the Delorean falls through and you have a hook up on a white LeBaron i'll do that simply because Deion had one while he was in Tallahassee(drop top red interior, I'll take care of the PrimeTime license plate on the front) Either way I'm sitting here hoping that one of you gentlemen can sit back and say this kid has the chops, heart, and balls to stand up and say it's time for the Delorean to get his FUCKING ass back in the game. If we have to sit down and watch Back to the Future together and at least be gentlemen and friends than thats one step closer to me being on the level of a couple guys who get it...I'm attaching a couple images, #5 is real...What i'm getting to is it's time to pass the torch and if we need to sit down and drink fine Scotch I've got every Johnnie Walker, 10-12-15 of Macallan, Balvenie 12-14 caribbean and 17 double wood, it would at least be an interesting week to talk Delorean especially because TPC is coming up...