Calgary, which is a city in Canada, which is a mystical place that you can get to if you drive North enough on the highway, is experiencing some major flooding right now. That hasn't stopped some Calgarians from attempting a little boating, which is really totally stupid according to Mayor Naheed Nenshi.
I can't believe I actually have to say this, but I'm going to say it. The river is closed. You. Can. Not. Boat. On. The. River. I have a large number of nouns that I can use to describe the people that I saw in a canoe on the Bow River today. I am not allowed to use any of them. I can tell you, however, that I have been told that despite the state of local emergency I am not allowed to invoke the Darwin Law.
If you are on the river we have to rescue you. If we have to rescue you we are taking away valuable resources from others. Every time we have to pull a rescue boat onto the river it means there is not a rescue boat in a community that is flood. It is selfish and it is ridiculous for you to be on the river. So do not do it. Stay off the river no matter what kind of thrills you are interested in coming for and I won't use any of the nouns that I really want to use.
Now I'm pretty sure that Survival of the Fittest is the only Law of the Land in Canada, so the fact that Mayor Neshi can't invoke it must be a pretty big deal. It also doesn't help that the Calgary Saddledome, home to the NHL's Calgary Flames is flooded as well, and with hockey being Canada's raîson d'etre the morale of the city must be pretty low:
Calgarians (Calgarites?), if you learn one thing from Jalopnik, let it be this: DO NOT GO IN A BOAT. No matter how down your spirits get, try staying home and drinking Molsons or Labatts or whatever it is you drink until it's all over. Your city will be dry soon, and until then, your fellow Canadians will be making sure your spirits are up.
Gonna take the Flames a long fucking time to empty out the Saddledome with only 1 cup
— Cody Rose (@C_rose14) June 22, 2013