You know that zit you sometimes get in your middle back that you generally forget about unless the the damn thing explodes and turns red and starts to ooze puss? That zit is former Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli and he’s gushing greasy efluvia in this column for LinkedIn misleadingly titled “What I Learned Leading a Company Like Chrysler Through Bankruptcy — and Revitalization.”

Dude, Nardelli. You had it so good. The world almost entirely forgot about you. And then this happened. Let’s start with the first part, which is more about his time at Home Depot and not Chrysler:

Back in 2000 when I was named president and CEO, Home Depot was a $45 billion decentralized company with little ability to leverage its size. We created an information and supply-chain infrastructure that, along with other operational and growth enhancements, generated more than 20 percent average annual earnings growth. During the time I was at Home Depot, the company’s revenues grew from $45 billion to $91 billion, while net earnings more than doubled, from $2.5 billion to $5.7 billion.

Yeah, and you also lost a huge amount of market share, the stock dropped, you pissed customers and investors off, and so seriously fucked up Home Depot that they fired you and were willing to pay you $210 million to go away. You are so bad your absence was worth $210 million.

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You then landed at Chrysler and, while Chrysler was already about as stable and forward-thinking as late-era Blackberry when you arrived, the notion that you made it any better is just utter nonsense. Here’s what you said:

We streamlined the business and reduced our break-even with $5 billion less cost and a structure that would survive at 10 million unit SAR of sales. In addition, we established a cash council that met daily and approved commitments for expenditures.

Concurrently, we redeveloped the heart of the product line, bringing new life to the Jeep brand; producing the RAM 1500, Motor Trend’s Truck of the Year; creating the new Chrysler 300 and the Dodge Charger and Durango; and producing the new Challenger in a record 18 months.

With a good healthy balance sheet between cost out and revenue growth, we had a viable plan for operations that could move forward post-bankruptcy. Basically, we established a company with no debt, no accounts payable, and an enhanced dealer network. We also put into place major union contract improvements.

In your fucking dreams, asshole. Here’s what really happened:

While a few of those programs did exist while you were there, the extent to which they were your doing is roughly equivalent to the extent to which the Astros can claim their streak of wins this year is the result of switching to a new fabric softener.

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This whole thing is like if Neville Chamberlain wrote a column called “What I learned leading Britain into WWII — And how I won it!.”

You became CEO in August 2007 when Cerberus Capital took over and Chrysler was already in bad shape. When the economy collapsed your solution was to get government loans. Then, according to a Treasury Department auditor, the government tried to cut back on executive compensation before handing over more loans and what did you do? Said “no” and instead got expensive loans from private banks at higher terms.

And then you went bankrupt anyway, got a quickie government fix, and left. And not only did you go bankrupt, but before you did you and your shithead pals at Cerberus took Chrysler Financial — then only viable and sellable part of Chrysler — with you and sold it to make up your money.

You’re a shill, Bob Nardelli. A figurehead for a fucked up company and a fucked up system. You’re not even an empty suit, because I assume the shit would have to go somewhere. You are, then, a suit filled with shit.

Fuck you, Bob Nardelli.


Contact the author at matt@jalopnik.com. Photo Credit: Getty Images