As some of you are no doubt aware, I am currently on vacation. This means I've interrupted my usual schedule of a) waking up late, and b) sitting around the house no pants on, just so I could spend thousands of dollars to fly half-way around the world, where I am a) waking up late, and b) sitting around the house with no pants on. The difference, of course, is that I am now sitting around the house with no pants in Europe, where I don't understand anything on TV.
But anyway: since I'm out of town, I don't really have the chance to write my usual column here at Jalopnik. So I've decided to devote a few columns weeks to some different topics, starting with a list of some of the most ridiculous e-mails, comments, and messages I've received so far. Here goes.
Despite the fact that I'm pretty public with my e-mail address, I don't get very many angry e-mails. I suspect this is because writing an angry e-mail takes some serious hostility: you have to fire up your computer, write out the entire thing, keep your argument coherent, list your angry thoughts, and then press "send," knowing full well that the e-mail recipient is simply going to laugh at you and forward the e-mail to his friends.
That is, in fact, the case here, as I'm showing you the e-mail that gave me the idea for this column. It's from a reader named Darrin, and boy was he mad at my Ferrari drag racing column:
hey fuck face.
I read your stupid fucking post at jalopnik in which you make fun of poor white people for being different and then proceed to shit on their hobby and its practices and sayings while obviously knowing jack shit about drag racing. Good job on making yourself look like a snobby prick who speaks from ignroance.
let me guess. bought not built, right?
go fuck yourself
This one has it all: he addressed it "Hey fuck face." He misspelled "ignorance." He implied that I'm a loser because I didn't build my own Ferrari. But, most importantly, he signed off – in the part where the letter writer typically places a word to describe his own emotion, such as "Love" or "Sincerely" – with "go fuck yourself." It's letters like these that keep me going; keep me writing; and, most importantly, keep my friends entertained.
People are a lot more willing to comment on Jalopnik, where the replies are a little more anonymous. Oh, sure, there's always the contingent of people who are just mad at everything:
Thank God for 'Freedom of Speech' because Doug DeMuro is a real "Tool"....
So much assholery in this article and video.
Huh. Maybe you get lots of comments because this kind of joke is painfully unfunny?
But there's also a wide variety of readers who fall into the "take things way too seriously" camp, where it's about an article topic, or — more commonly — a place I've made fun of:
Oh, wow, did you spend nearly all afternoon struggling to figure out some way, just SOME WAY that you could have a flimsy premise upon which to do an article that is in fact not informative of anything useful but simply a vehicle for all your Ohio jokes and smarmy Ohio remarks?
Jesus Christ, man. Can you make a little bit of an effort to NOT to sound like a total prick with the "as if simply living in Ohio wasn't punishment enough" stuff?
Fuck you @DougDeDouchbag. Idaho has valet parking, we're just not stupid enough to hand over the keys you vapid shallow prick.
You really can't drive for shit can you? Watching you go around some of those corners was physically painful. I showed a friend this video and she said "what the fuck is he doing? Who taught this douche how to drive?" You should sell the Ferrari and spend money on driving instruction. Then go buy a car that isn't wayyy out of your talent bracket...
I see no humor in DUI's or drunk drivers. The amount of people killed and injured by these extremely irresponsible individuals is no laughing matter. I am glad to see you place no value on human life.
The best Jalopnik comments, however, come from people who just couldn't hold it in any longer. People who are so angry that they couldn't do it in one simple line, or a few sentences; they had to let loose in a long-winded diatribe. So angry that you can just imagine them sitting there, in front of the computer, writing it all out, thinking: Hah! I've got him now!
One of my favorite examples is this guy, who was so pissed off by my exotic car drawbacks column that he not only called out my appearance, noting that I am a "pasty-white, scrawny-ass Jew," but suggested it's time to "take my douchey ego somewhere else because its not flyin' here":
What exotic are we talking about in this video? You own the Italian equivalent of a Honda Civic. Congrats bro. Take your douchey ego somewhere else because its not flyin' here. Maybe if you had a car worth having an ego over it would be understandable to make 10,000 videos about your car. But here's the poblem- you have a 360- not only does no one care about your video, but furthermore, no one cares about your car. And thats coming from a Ferrari fanatic (me). The only reason I'd be taking pictures of your car is to send it to my friends to say "hey, check out this pasty-white, scrawny-ass Jew that thinks everyone envy's him over his thong sandels and run-of-the-mill Ferrari". You are the epitome of a person that wons a Ferrari simply for the social image. Rock on bro.
Admittedly, this reader probably had some excellent points in his mind, but he just wasn't able to get them down on paper (or proofread) before his mom insisted that he start his middle school social studies homework. The next guy, however, really laid down the law, back when I made fun of the Hummer H2:
My opinion as a veteran of desert storm and a 4 time bronze star recipient that I might look stupid n my hummer but unlike some people I have earned my right to drive my hummer. I just don't like to look like a man bitch in my cube and g wagon because I dont want people to know im a stay at home house maid and afraid for people to know what I really am driving my mini van. So this comes back to one important thing that as americans we should learn to mind our own business and if we dont like something dont buy it. Im not out running over cubes because I think they look like a box. I mind my own business and dont buy one. And look at how many veterans that drive hummers not because we want to look special but because unlike sum we earned our right. So next time anyone wants to throw off on hummers think about your veterans u r throwing off on some of us to and like I said before weve earned our right. The ones running their mouths probably were to scared to go fight for our country. Thanks for letting me post my opinion.. and to the ones that started the flipping off hummers they are probably just sum thugs that write on bridges and destroy our road signs. Instead of being so dumb and malking hummer driver's join the military where youve earned your right to run ur mouth not because we went and fought for your right to run your mouth about us. Thanks........
Now, I don't have a problem with military veterans. In fact, I happen to like most military veterans. But when someone — replying to an article about Hummers — starts their post with "My opinion as a veteran of Desert Storm and a four-time Bronze Star recipient," you just know it's going to be good. For those of you who don't want to pick through that, it's so good that — at one point — he calls me a "man bitch in a Nissan Cube."
Still, no one quite compares to this guy, who outs himself as an Evo driver — as if we couldn't tell:
SHUT UP, with your Ferrari crap. I'm sure I'm gonna get flamed here for saying so, because it seems that everyone here worships all your articles, but seriously STFU. Is it mandatory that in every article you post you have to somehow mention you have a Ferrari? Dude, I don't know if you know, but it isn't a new one, it's old and not really that great. You remind me of one of those people that buy a used car in a given manufacture to be able to say, "oh I own a (insert keyword car manufacture). Mostly, it's Bmw 3 series owners, who like to pretend that its actually an M3. It's basically the same as the people who get a porsche boxster and claim, "oh I own a porsche." Uh, cool? You must look pretty awesome when you go to a meet, and are surrounded by GT3s? I know that it's a bit different because Boxsters are actually not a bad car, but it's the brand name dropping that's rediculous. In the end, it isn't new, it isn't an actually desired Ferrari model, and no one cares. I'm not in the minority when I say that anyone who actually knows about cars, doesn't give two craps about your 90s Ferrari? If your intent is to pick up dimwitted women who just hear the keyword "Ferrari" and swoon, congrats. Otherwise, write a decent article without alluding to your amazing master race vehicle. What is hilarious is that my Evo, would destroy your steller Ferrari. So please stop.
The funny thing about most of the angry Jalopnik comments I get is they're all one big block of text. What happens, I suspect, is that these people are so mad at something they've just read on the Internet that they can't contain themselves. I can envision them, sitting there, slamming down on the keyboard, no time for punctuation, no stopping for line breaks. They have to get this out, so they can be HEARD, dammit!!!
Also: did anyone catch that last line? "Your amazing master race vehicle?" If that's a sleight at Ferrari for being German, I think it's time that you take that Evo back to Korea, where it was probably built by Ho Chi Minh in Tiananmen Square. Jerk.
The best commenters, however, are from YouTube. This is a well-documented Internet phenomenon, and it certainly holds true for my videos. Oh, sure, there's the occasional insightful comment, such as "i think he writes 4 autoblog or sometin." But in general, these people are the true bottom of the barrel: the stupidest, most inane people you can find on the Internet. As a result, I don't read my YouTube comments — but I decided to go through my videos and collect some exceptional ones for you today. Here goes:
Lol. Drives old Ferrari and can't even drive it. My m5 would smoke your car.
Oh you're just a soft ass pussy. Sad to say my turbo zo6 02 corvette will likely compete with that $500,000 pos.
sell this old and ugly ferrari then get a GTR and there u go ;)
Why would you care about who drives this shitty old cheap smoker?
Nothing special about it. If it was new or rare and cost half a million more there might be a reason to care about who drives it.
Stupid peasant wanker douchebag.
I have one feeling about this video..
I hate you!!!
Is a sport car, why anyone will go to do grocery with a Ferrari??
Is not a daily driver, you retard!!!
I got this next comment on my Porsche Cayman S vs. Ferrari video comparison. Maybe I should take him up on his offer and correct him?
this is absurd. Ferrari's are cars that cost around $188,000 and up. a porsche like that is nowhere near that price. If Im wrong please correct me, but this guy is so biased its not even funny. I don't care about what he had to say in the beginning.
Here's another interesting one:
come to egypt and you will kill yourself in the first 10 meters
What does that even mean?
I was also a fan of this exchange:
YouTube Commenter 1: A sweaty geek is giving car advice LOL...yeah, right whatever. I'd take the awesome and beautiful 360 Modena anyday, you can go to hell with your boring porsche!
YouTube Commenter 2: You do realize he was president of Porsche of America
YouTube Commenter 2: But he's also a colossal douche
So I'm sweaty and a colossal douche. But I was president of Porsche of America! See, there's a silver lining to every YouTube comment.
A lot of people also had some harsh words for my "Does a Ferrari attract women" video.
It is not the car stupid, it is your FACE! go and look in the mirror.
You're handsome. You don't need a Ferrari.
And then there's the guy who knows what it takes to get women: a V8 Mitsubishi 3000GT, aka the "poor man's Ferrari":
Ok lets be clear because though the 360 is my fav. Ferrari. The most any car can do is complement wat u like not wat girls find attractive. Without a balance of confidence and the way u carry yourself, ur doomed because without that ur nothing. No matter wat u drive. I've worked in night clubs for years,I drive away every night with phone #s and loads of attention from girls. I only drive a custom V8 3000GT.aka poor mans Ferrari. Its all about ur intentions man.
Still, the best YouTube comments of all came from a user named "Pirrelli8," which I presume refers to his age. I say that because he misspelled "Pirelli" in his own username.
He starts off mad when I compare the Ferrari to a Lexus LS 460 luxury sedan:
Only in America you get stupid people like this to make a video comparing a big 4 door Sedan to a Legendary super fast 2 door exotic sports car. What are we exactly comparing here?, that lexus shit is clearly designed for an idiot person with a family or a person who needs an excuse to carry a bunch of people around. Ferrari's are however; are for Rich elite people with no children with class, taste, and deep pockets!
Folks. He states that the "Lexus shit" is clearly designed "for an idiot person with a family," or "a rich person who needs an excuse to carry a bunch of people around." ("Say, Worthington, I'm bored this evening. Perhaps we should use our Lexus shit to carry a bunch of people around!")
But then he gets really mad when I strap a TV on the roof. That's when he's "had enough":
Ive had enough take that car away from him immediately, he's clearly a stupid, pompous, and silly jerk he just got in the price range of still a very good Ferrari, they want be affordable that long, the prices will start to go up again eventually. Stop making these dumb ass videos about nothing, and learn how to appreciate such a rare, collectible, and unattainable car.
But in spite of this, he keeps watching my videos, which leads to the following diatribe about my comparison with the Porsche Cayman:
Doug, you're an ass hole and a pussy, which makes you an entirely overrated, under appreciative, and clueless fucked up individual; why would you compare a 1994 Ferrari Mondena to a 2014 volkswagen? How does a fucking 1994 porsche-volkswagen hold up to a 1994 Ferrari?, because, that's more of a fairer comparison, but in Hindsight, it's not really in all fairness because we both know the porsche is shit new or old compared to the Ferrari which is why you have to get a fully appreciated Ferrari that's 20 years old vs a new volkswagen-porsche. So now you know, and you can confirm that a Ferrari is the more entelligent, competent, and respectful choice, and also the Better Brand, it's a Real Exotic where volkswagen isn't. How does the Radio look?; you're a joke how does a 1994 porsche-volkswagen radio look, it certainly wouldn't look like a 2014 one does, would it?; ass whip!, go get a real job, because you suck at you're present occupation, you really call this work? the Gorilla did more work in the previous video, at least he didn't talk at all, you should have duck taped you're mouth before you started the video, because you have just about as much sense as a stuffed animal, you have just as many foam peanuts floating around in you're brain; all he done was enjoy the ride which is exactly what a dumb clueless fuck who knows nothing about Exotic car's should be doing, you should've been doing the same thing, because you're opinions are useless, you could've been more informative instead of criticizing something we all know you know nothing about in which this car, a Ferrari; which is in fact, a very special, rare, legendary, and indeed perpetually and insanely the pinnacle of excellence. You fucking Nutcase!
Note that I am both an asshole and a pussy. Other excellent lines include "the Porsche is shit or new or old compared to the Ferrari" (which is it?), and "ass whip! Go get a real job! … the Gorilla did more work in the previous video" and possibly my favorite line of all, where he calls the Ferrari "perpetually and insanely the pinnacle of excellence."
Maybe the best part is when someone calls him out for his comment on the Lexus video. His reply:
Any jake ass stupid enough to spend 80 Grand on a Toyota, em; excuse me a Texus or what ever they call that cheap ass depreciating, middle class fail, piece of shit that came around; approximately around 1988. This dumb ass car they claim is the pursuit of perfection, no; more like the pursuit of depression, and rejection. Look man lexus is little league and anyone or anybody who drives one is a fraud, it's just a Toyota. Luxury Sedan!, Ha, Ha Lol, lexus dosn't know shit about luxury or the car wouldn't be named lexus. It's not a Bentley, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin, or Jaguar, British engineers are the best when it comes to Sedan's and Luxury, Lexus is a Toyota, when the hell has Toyota been as good as a Bentley, RR, Aston Martin, or Jaguar. You're still a nobody if you drive a Texus, sorry. I'm not even going to mention Ferrari, it's insulting. Please don't bring up that shit about bmw, and the others it's just a waste of time and thoughts.
I challenge you to read to the second "Texus" without laughing. But then something magical happens: he sees a video where I just drive the Ferrari. No words, no comparisons, no TVs on the roof. His reply:
Now that's more like it!, less talking and letting the car speak for it's self.
And then he's done. No more replies, no more hostility. Maybe he likes me now. Maybe he'll come to Jalopnik. I hear they have a guy who used to be the president of Porsche of America. Unfortunately, he's also a colossal douche.
@DougDeMuro is the author of Plays With Cars. He owned an E63 AMG wagon and once tried to evade police at the Tail of the Dragon using a pontoon boat. (It didn't work.) He worked as a manager for Porsche Cars North America before quitting to become a writer, largely because it meant he no longer had to wear pants. Also, he wrote this entire bio himself in the third person.