Big news, everybody! I’m going to be the next Secretary of the Department of Transportation of the United States! I can say this with confidence because I just applied for the job online, and I have a really good feeling about this.
I have so many ideas about how to revolutionize transportation in America, and this is going to be just the way to do it. Hell, growing up I had a big poster of Alan S. Boyd, first Secretary of the Department of Transportation, right over my bed! That right there, that’s fate. This was meant to be.
Plus, my lower-back tattoo is the mission of the Department of Transportation:
Serve the United States by ensuring a fast, safe, efficient, accessible and convenient transportation system that meets our vital national interests and enhances the quality of life of the American people, today and into the future.
That’s what I’m totally about! Holy shit, this is going to be great. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s how I filled out the Application form:
Please describe why you hope to be a part of the President Elect’s administration:
I’m certain I’d be a fantastic Secretary of Transportation. I’m happy to help change the oil in the Presidential Limo, and I have a lot of exciting, radical ideas for the future of transportation in America. I also am ready to force American automakers to build cars that I think are cool.
That field was limited to a number of characters, so that’s all the detail I could get into.
Hello New Government! You’re talking to your next Secretary of the Department of Transportation. I can absolutely make America Great – no, not just great, but fucking fantastic when it comes to transportation. I’m so crammed full of ideas it physically hurts. Take our old, outdated rail network: I have plans to replace it with the world’s first continent-wide jetpack network. Rail will be retained for automated cargo, but humans will soar. America’s automotive industry will soon become the vanguard of automotive advancement, with every manufacturer required to build the cab-over, air-cooled, rear-engined one-box supercars that America’s people demand and deserve. Also, we will permit Japan’s Kei class cars to be sold in the U.S., which will help everyone, somehow. I have great contacts in the automotive industry, and I think Elon Musk might even know who I am. Also, we’ll have a Mars colony in 3 years. I’m your man. Let’s do this.
This field didn’t allow for carriage returns, so I’m not thrilled about the formatting, but they get the idea. Also, limited character count there, too.
Please describe any additional qualifications:
Sure! I’m a writer for big-time automotive website, I own and operate multiple cars from the 1970s, generate ideas like most people generate urine, and have driven all sorts of crazy-ass cars and at least one tank. Some of those cars were amphibious, so I know about canals and estuaries, too.
More character restrictions! I have so much more to say!
R E S U M É
- 1991-1993 : University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, BA in Art History - 1989-1991 : Emory University, Atlanta, Georgia
1987-1989: Sold Apple IIs and Macintoshes at Byte Shop in Greensboro, NC
1990-1991: Bioelectronics technician at Yerkes Primate Research Laboratory
1997-2000: Mayor of Fairfax Ave, Los Angeles, CA (unofficial)
2000-2012: Mayor of Los Feliz, CA (unofficial)
2012-: Associate Editor of Jalopnik
2017-2100: Secretary of Department of Transportation (projected)
I edited this down a lot, and took some liberties to make it look like I had a little more elected-official experience, but everything is basically true. I added that last line in there because everyone respects confidence, right?
I didn’t mention this specifically in the application, but you know once I start my term in January, I got your back. You know the 25-year import rule? Gone. First day. Chicken tax? Out the door, motherfuckers, so start shopping around for that little truck of your dreams, to tow your late-model non-U.S. market car! I’ll be getting a Renault Avantime for my official car first day in office, just so you know.
Human driving will be protected by constitutional amendment, so no matter what happens with autonomous cars, we’re safe. Plus, now every city over 10,000 people must have a DOT-funded racetrack. Street racing deaths will be over.
Oh, and I will be forced to start a National Registry of Mustangs, just until we get a handle on the national Cars & Coffee security and safety situation. You understand, we have to keep America safe.
This will be a real victory for gearheads everywhere. In addition to meeting crash safety and fuel economy standards, carmakers will be forced to meet Standards Of Non-Boring. So, for any given carmaker, at least 25 percent of their fleet must be composed of engaging, interesting cars. Toyota better get started working on some amazing shit to balance all those Camrys.
I’ll sure miss writing here, but I promise you all, I can do so much more for you in my new position.
OK. I’m going to go throw some coffee in Patrick’s big smug face and let him know I got a new gig, and he can’t tell me what to do anymore. Wish me luck!