Tomorrow marks the start of the only truly American holiday, besides Christmas, which is the Super Bowl. Vast quantities of chips, dip, 19-foot-long sandwiches, and various other culinary accoutrements will be consumed, while we all watch wealthy men with an undeniable preference for the Cadillac Escalade hurl themselves at each other with terrifying speed. But, while we're with friends, why don't we all admit what the game is really about?
Chicken wings, especially those of the Buffalo variety, are a beautiful game-day staple. They are spicy and flavorful, joyous and wonderful, from the original perfection to the delicate and discerning fusion hybrids that now are offered in abundance, and I have never in my life have ever met a single person who does not like them.
I am convinced that anybody who doesn't like chicken wings simply does not exist.
And, let's be honest, most people who will be watching the game tomorrow won't really care about the outcome. It's an excuse to gather round a ludicrously large television, drink too much beer when you really shouldn't because you've got work the next day, and manically consume vast amounts of buffalo wings with both fists. That's about it.
Getting chicken wings into your face begins with a fairly simple process. You either order them from your local wingz joint, or you make them yourself, or you heat them up from that sad frozen bag from Tyson that you find in the grocery store.
But let's say you're planning your own Super Bowl party, and you want the wings to be your monumental centerpiece. And you want a lot of wings, because your Super Bowl guests will not only consist of you, but also your friends Bryant McKinnie (Offensive Tackle, Miami Dolphins, 6'8", 352 pounds), Marcus Cannon (Guard/Tackle, New England Patriots, 340 pounds), Phil Loadholt (Offensive Tackle, Minnesota Vikings, 6'8", 343 pounds), and King Dunlap, who's got a name like King Goddamn Dunlap, is currently an offensive tackle for the San Diego Chargers, and is listed at 6'9" and 330 pounds.
King can make everyone else in the world look small.
Transporting your guests and their cuisine of choice can be a big task, so you'll need a big vehicle to do it in. And since these guys all earn more money than you ever will, and because none of them are actually playing tomorrow, they'll want to do travel in style, with class and comfort, with plenty of room to spare.
And while the 2015 Cadillac Escalade may no longer be the preferred mode of transportation for people in the rap game, it makes sense that people who hope to play in the big game one day will still want one.
So here we have our challenge. You, the driver, three of the most monumental athletes ever to grace professional sports, and their chicken wings, all in a Cadillac Escalade. But how many wings can fit in said Escalade?
For the purposes of our experiment, let's assume that for maximum wing stacking efficiency our players will only be able to eat flats, not drums.
Sorry guys, quantity over quality.
And also for the purposes of our experiment, let's assume an average wing size of 3 inches by one inch by half an inch. That gives you an average wing volume of 1.5 inches cubed.
EDIT: My original math was off. Boo. I've updated this post to reflect that.
Maximum cargo room in the 2015 Cadillac Escalade is 120.5 cubic feet, or 208,223 cubic inches. That means that the Cadillac Escalade can swallow 138,815 orangey-brown bits of golden goodness, or 34,703 wings per person. Assuming there's 60 calories in a wing, that's 2,082,230 calories. Each. Delish.
And since I'm not actually going to go about individually weighing 138,815 wings, the Internet says that each wing should weigh roughly an ounce. So 138,815 should only weigh about 8,675 pounds. Which I'm not sure the Caddy could handle.
Now that may sound like a lot of wings for you to eat, but remember the size of the people you invited to your party.
Let nobody say that your Jalopnik doesn't answer your burning Super Bowl questions, with important consumer advice.
Just remember the cleanup bill for shoving 138,815 cooked and sauced wings into a brand-new Caddy, with no packaging. I don't want to calculate the cleanup bill for that.
Photo credits: Shutterstock/GM, Calgary Reviews, Getty, GM